I'm just not that into you.
April 7, 2010 12:53 PM Subscribe
Please help me dump someone that I'm not actually seeing.
I recently signed up for a dating site and met up with a guy. We had fun, but on contemplation, it's clear that we both want quite different things. He seems like a nice guy, quite sweet, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I do want to communicate that I don't see us having any kind of future together, in any shape or form.
I'm having trouble wording what to say. I don't want to use a variant of "it's not you, it's me", because that's a cop-out and isn't true. I also don't want to just drop off the radar and never message him or speak to him again, because I think I owe him the common decency of an explanation. He also doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take a hint. I need some suggestions for what to say, and Miss Manners isn't really providing me with many suggestions for ending an internet-based hookup.
Any ideas?
I recently signed up for a dating site and met up with a guy. We had fun, but on contemplation, it's clear that we both want quite different things. He seems like a nice guy, quite sweet, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I do want to communicate that I don't see us having any kind of future together, in any shape or form.
I'm having trouble wording what to say. I don't want to use a variant of "it's not you, it's me", because that's a cop-out and isn't true. I also don't want to just drop off the radar and never message him or speak to him again, because I think I owe him the common decency of an explanation. He also doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take a hint. I need some suggestions for what to say, and Miss Manners isn't really providing me with many suggestions for ending an internet-based hookup.
Any ideas?
Best answer: Please do this.
"Matt, I had a lovely night. But on reflection I don't really see this going any further, and feel its better to be honest now then create any drama down the line. I hope you understand. Really hope [SOME GUMF REFERING TO AN IN-JOKE FROM THE DATE].
Best of luck with everything.
Solomon"
Then go and meet some friends of yours get drunk and forget about it all.
It's one date. He'll be able to take it. And will probably appreciate your honesty.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 1:02 PM on April 7, 2010 [10 favorites]
"Matt, I had a lovely night. But on reflection I don't really see this going any further, and feel its better to be honest now then create any drama down the line. I hope you understand. Really hope [SOME GUMF REFERING TO AN IN-JOKE FROM THE DATE].
Best of luck with everything.
Solomon"
Then go and meet some friends of yours get drunk and forget about it all.
It's one date. He'll be able to take it. And will probably appreciate your honesty.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 1:02 PM on April 7, 2010 [10 favorites]
Wait for him to ask you out, and then say something along the lines of "I think you're very nice, but I don't see this working out. Thank you for asking though." Done.
posted by brainmouse at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by brainmouse at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2010
Response by poster: Once, and we slept together. If it was the case that there hadn't been any contact since, I'd just let the matter drop, but I've received several messages from him since then. It's clear that he's read more into things than I did.
posted by Solomon at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by Solomon at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2010
Hey, I had a good time [doing activity] with you the other night, but I don't think we should see each other again. Take care,
Mathilda
posted by ludwig_van at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mathilda
posted by ludwig_van at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
"hookup" to me implies that they hooked up and some sort of explanation might be nice.
I don't see anything terribly wrong with what you wrote originally:
Hey guy - that was fun, but on contemplation, it's clear that we both want quite different things. You seem like a nice guy, quite sweet, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't see us having any kind of future together. Take care and thanks (or whatever). - You
posted by lilnublet at 1:04 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't see anything terribly wrong with what you wrote originally:
Hey guy - that was fun, but on contemplation, it's clear that we both want quite different things. You seem like a nice guy, quite sweet, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't see us having any kind of future together. Take care and thanks (or whatever). - You
posted by lilnublet at 1:04 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I enjoyed meeting you, but on thinking more about it, it's clear we want different things, and well, the spark just wasn't there for me as I'd hoped it might be. I wish you well in your search.
Solomon"
You don't have to (and can't!) take responsibility for his feelings. Just be polite and honest.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 1:06 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Solomon"
You don't have to (and can't!) take responsibility for his feelings. Just be polite and honest.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 1:06 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't say anything about whether he's actually calling or trying to make plans to get together with you. If he's not, you don't need to do anything - there's nothing more obnoxious than someone assuming you're interested in them when you're not and "dumping" you. If he should call or email you again, you say, "You seem like a sweet person and I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're looking for the same things. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone really great very soon." Just keep it simple, short, kind, and honest.
Just cutting someone off is really kind of rude, and yes, I know people do it routinely, but that doesn't make it okay.
posted by orange swan at 1:06 PM on April 7, 2010
Just cutting someone off is really kind of rude, and yes, I know people do it routinely, but that doesn't make it okay.
posted by orange swan at 1:06 PM on April 7, 2010
"We had fun, but on contemplation, it's clear that we both want quite different things. You seem like a nice guy, quite sweet, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I do want you to know that I don't see us having any kind of future together, in any shape or form."
You already got it.
posted by genesta at 1:07 PM on April 7, 2010
You already got it.
posted by genesta at 1:07 PM on April 7, 2010
Whoa! Should have previewed.
You slept together, which means you need to call or email and tell the guy as nicely as possible that you had a great time but aren't looking for the same things.
And next time, make your intentions clear to the other person, and find out his, BEFORE you sleep with him.
posted by orange swan at 1:09 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
You slept together, which means you need to call or email and tell the guy as nicely as possible that you had a great time but aren't looking for the same things.
And next time, make your intentions clear to the other person, and find out his, BEFORE you sleep with him.
posted by orange swan at 1:09 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yeah, a simple "I had a good time the other night but I've actually been thinking that we shouldn't see each other anymore. You're a cool guy and I'm glad to have met you, but I don't feel a strong connection between us, and well it's probably best that things don't go any further" email is really all that's called for or necessary here.
Hey, I had a good time [doing activity] with you the other night,
[doing activity] is my new favorite euphemism.
posted by Nothing... and like it at 1:17 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hey, I had a good time [doing activity] with you the other night,
[doing activity] is my new favorite euphemism.
posted by Nothing... and like it at 1:17 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't want to hurt his feelings
He also doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take a hint.
The latter may negate the former and may require you be bluntly obvious.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:21 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
He also doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take a hint.
The latter may negate the former and may require you be bluntly obvious.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:21 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Previously. (same title and everything...)
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:23 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:23 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I had a good time the other night but I've actually been thinking that we shouldn't see each other anymore. You're a cool guy and I'm glad to have met you, but I don't feel a strong connection between us, and well it's probably best that things don't go any further"
Actually, I think something like the above isn't strongly worded enough. If he's really the type that doesn't take a hint, a message like that just gives him to many things to think over and wonder about, while pining for what if, what if. I mean if you had a good time, the why wouldn't want to have more good times?!
Try this:
"Hey, saw your messages, but I'm not interested in pursuing anything further with you, at all. I'd like to just say goodbye, repeat that I'm just no interested in going any further at all, wish you well and tell you take care.
Goodbye."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:28 PM on April 7, 2010
Actually, I think something like the above isn't strongly worded enough. If he's really the type that doesn't take a hint, a message like that just gives him to many things to think over and wonder about, while pining for what if, what if. I mean if you had a good time, the why wouldn't want to have more good times?!
Try this:
"Hey, saw your messages, but I'm not interested in pursuing anything further with you, at all. I'd like to just say goodbye, repeat that I'm just no interested in going any further at all, wish you well and tell you take care.
Goodbye."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:28 PM on April 7, 2010
I don't want to hurt his feelings
He also doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take a hint.
These aren't compatible. You slept with him, he wants to see you again; he's going to be at least a little hurt. You can minimize the pain by being polite and not writing a whole little essay about how great he is (really, this hurts more), but you will hurt him. Accept this, do the damage, and move on.
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:46 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
He also doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd take a hint.
These aren't compatible. You slept with him, he wants to see you again; he's going to be at least a little hurt. You can minimize the pain by being polite and not writing a whole little essay about how great he is (really, this hurts more), but you will hurt him. Accept this, do the damage, and move on.
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:46 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I had fun with you the other night, but I'm just not "feeling it", y'know? I think we should just end things here. Good luck out there, goodbye!
posted by lizbunny at 1:46 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lizbunny at 1:46 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell him you got back with your ex. Or that your husband found out, and he's a psycho cop.
posted by eas98 at 2:16 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by eas98 at 2:16 PM on April 7, 2010
I hate the idea of someone telling me there was little spark or they didn't feel it, cuz then I really do think it's me.
I think I'd prefer to hear that they enjoyed my company but think we're looking for different things and left it at that.
posted by dzaz at 2:35 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think I'd prefer to hear that they enjoyed my company but think we're looking for different things and left it at that.
posted by dzaz at 2:35 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Been on the guy-end of this before. Thought the sex meant she was really into me but it really meant she was into the sex that night and nothing more. She told me something to the effect of, "You're hot, and I'm sure I'm not the first girl to sleep with you on the first date, but I really don't want a second date, thanks again for the amazing night, I'll never forget it.." and then she hung up. I was hurt for like 15 seconds and then was eternally flattered, and still am 20 or so odd years later. Trust me...he'll go into his next relationship with a lot more confidence with this approach as opposed to the it's me not you tack.
posted by teg4rvn at 2:48 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by teg4rvn at 2:48 PM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Two simple steps:
1) Say something about how you had a good time. The purpose of this is to keep him from obsessing over the idea that maybe you just didn't like the sex.
2) Say something crystal clear and short indicating your lack of interest in continuing. It makes almost no difference what it is, and the less specific it is the better. The purpose is to discourage him from thinking that maybe he still has a chance if he can talk you out of whatever the reason was.
posted by bingo at 2:49 PM on April 7, 2010
1) Say something about how you had a good time. The purpose of this is to keep him from obsessing over the idea that maybe you just didn't like the sex.
2) Say something crystal clear and short indicating your lack of interest in continuing. It makes almost no difference what it is, and the less specific it is the better. The purpose is to discourage him from thinking that maybe he still has a chance if he can talk you out of whatever the reason was.
posted by bingo at 2:49 PM on April 7, 2010
Oh, but nthing the part about waiting for him to contact you. Few things are more irritating than getting rejected by someone you weren't planning to pursue.
posted by bingo at 2:50 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by bingo at 2:50 PM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
What Dzaz said-- be honest, quick, grown-up, and just tell him "I enjoyed your company, but we're looking for different things." The most painless option at this point is to respect him enough to tell him the truth, and respect yourself enough not to sneak away like a burglar. A quick email is fine (unless you feel like you said things that led him to think that you were definitely interested in pursuing a relationship together, in which case you should probably call him so he can be mad at you for a minute if he needs to). Don't try to get into apologies, explanations, or anything else that will make it more emotionally complicated for him to process-- I've been on both sides of this, and that's my advice based on my experience and the responses I've had from people. Good luck, and good for you for trying to do it properly!
posted by neitheror at 4:53 PM on April 7, 2010
posted by neitheror at 4:53 PM on April 7, 2010
Hmmm. Not sure if I agree with that approach. It sounds pretty arrogant to assume you know what they are looking for, just cause you slept with, and had a few emails from them.
If someone told me after one date that 'WE'RE looking for different things,' my response would be 'er I'll be fucking judge of what I'M looking for, but thanks very much.'
posted by spaceandtime30 at 7:36 PM on April 7, 2010
If someone told me after one date that 'WE'RE looking for different things,' my response would be 'er I'll be fucking judge of what I'M looking for, but thanks very much.'
posted by spaceandtime30 at 7:36 PM on April 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by The Lamplighter at 12:58 PM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]