Modern Wedding Questions from a modern kind of guy
April 6, 2010 10:18 PM Subscribe
1. How can I suggest that we'd appreciate gift cards or cash for wedding gifts? It's a second marriage and we're both grown-ups. We don't need towels or toasters- but we could definitely use a chainsaw or a good carry-on bag or a stand-mixer.
Do we really have to do the dance of the return line? Really? It's 2010.
we've been to the moon.
2. Also, our venue has a legal limit of 50 guests on the day of our wedding. It's a LEGAL issue. I'd love to invite everybody- I can't. I want to invite all of our friends to dinner a few nights before. How can I make this feel special, help these folks understand that they are precious to us, etc? Wine?
3. I'm not having a 'best man'. All my friends are good. I've having all the guys wear black and white (we all really like 'Reservoir Dogs'). What could they do that would be cool (besides carry us out on sedan chairs)?
1. You do know about wedding registries, right? Sounds like you might want to register at Sears or something.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:32 PM on April 6, 2010
posted by Sys Rq at 10:32 PM on April 6, 2010
How can I suggest that we'd appreciate gift cards or cash for wedding gifts?
You really can't. It's rude.
Do we really have to do the dance of the return line?
You don't have to do anything. Gifts are not entitlements, they are gifts. If someone gives you something you don't need, you can do whatever you want with it--regift it, sell it on ebay, throw it away--since it was a GIFT, you're no worse off than you were before.
How can I make this feel special, help these folks understand that they are precious to us, etc?
By not thinking of them as cash cows.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:35 PM on April 6, 2010 [13 favorites]
You really can't. It's rude.
Do we really have to do the dance of the return line?
You don't have to do anything. Gifts are not entitlements, they are gifts. If someone gives you something you don't need, you can do whatever you want with it--regift it, sell it on ebay, throw it away--since it was a GIFT, you're no worse off than you were before.
How can I make this feel special, help these folks understand that they are precious to us, etc?
By not thinking of them as cash cows.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:35 PM on April 6, 2010 [13 favorites]
What could they do that would be cool (besides carry us out on sedan chairs)?
Escort the old ladies to their seats. They love that.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:35 PM on April 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Escort the old ladies to their seats. They love that.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:35 PM on April 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why not just register on Amazon? It sounds like you have things you want and you know what they are, so I don't get what the problem is with registering for those. We recently went to a wedding where they did an Amazon registry and it was like 80% power tools. I thought it was pretty cool to register for a Dremel.
Ultimately you're not inviting the friends to the wedding. They know it, you know it, they know you picked a venue they couldn't fit in, and if they're going to hold it against you they will. You went with the venue anyway, so have a party and make it good but don't harbor any illusions that people who are hurt because they're not invited to your wedding won't still feel hurt.
posted by little light-giver at 10:36 PM on April 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Ultimately you're not inviting the friends to the wedding. They know it, you know it, they know you picked a venue they couldn't fit in, and if they're going to hold it against you they will. You went with the venue anyway, so have a party and make it good but don't harbor any illusions that people who are hurt because they're not invited to your wedding won't still feel hurt.
posted by little light-giver at 10:36 PM on April 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
As I'm sure many others will tell you, it is not polite to ask for presents and certainly not to advertise.Let parents and best friends know your preferences and pick one or two registries at places that have the kind things that you want - maybe Sear's and Macy's. Some people are going to want to pick out something tangible, a gift registry gives them an idea of what you would want.
As for the party, just explain why you are doing it and keep telling them how much they mean to you and how important they are to you. When I've been invited to these events, they have usually been after the wedding (celebrating the marriage) but good friends will accept whatever you create that seems reasonable.
posted by metahawk at 10:41 PM on April 6, 2010
As for the party, just explain why you are doing it and keep telling them how much they mean to you and how important they are to you. When I've been invited to these events, they have usually been after the wedding (celebrating the marriage) but good friends will accept whatever you create that seems reasonable.
posted by metahawk at 10:41 PM on April 6, 2010
1) You can't tactfully suggest anything about what you would prefer to receive as gifts, particularly in the wedding invitation. You really, really can't. Some people even think *registries* are tacky when included in a wedding invitation.
You can, however, say something if asked directly. You can also tell whoever is collecting the RSVPs that when people ask them, they might think about saying, "Well, if you must bring something, know that they have a lot of stuff and would love to make some improvements in their home/invest in a high quality appliance/etc." This is, at least in my circles, standard operating procedure and the way I usually find out about registries as well- I call and ask the folks hosting.
I always give cash as a wedding present, always...unless somebody I don't like particularly well requests it tactlessly in a wedding invitation and I have to get them something because they're related to me, in which case I get them something tiny from their registry, or if they used a ridiculous stupid poem to do so, I punish them additionally with a lovely all-purpose decorative glass bowl...but I'm a terrible judgmental person, as it turns out.
posted by charmedimsure at 10:43 PM on April 6, 2010 [14 favorites]
You can, however, say something if asked directly. You can also tell whoever is collecting the RSVPs that when people ask them, they might think about saying, "Well, if you must bring something, know that they have a lot of stuff and would love to make some improvements in their home/invest in a high quality appliance/etc." This is, at least in my circles, standard operating procedure and the way I usually find out about registries as well- I call and ask the folks hosting.
I always give cash as a wedding present, always...unless somebody I don't like particularly well requests it tactlessly in a wedding invitation and I have to get them something because they're related to me, in which case I get them something tiny from their registry, or if they used a ridiculous stupid poem to do so, I punish them additionally with a lovely all-purpose decorative glass bowl...but I'm a terrible judgmental person, as it turns out.
posted by charmedimsure at 10:43 PM on April 6, 2010 [14 favorites]
Yeah, unless you're from a culture where cash in envelopes is the preferred method, you're not going to get away with asking for cash. Register at Amazon and let people know, and expect to get the occasional bout of really weird gifts all the same.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:43 PM on April 6, 2010
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:43 PM on April 6, 2010
Miss Manners has a good suggestion:
Dear Miss Manners:
What is the proper way to request cash in lieu of gifts via a bridal registry?
Sit on the floor with a hat turned upside down on the floor beside you.
posted by sallybrown at 10:45 PM on April 6, 2010 [15 favorites]
Dear Miss Manners:
What is the proper way to request cash in lieu of gifts via a bridal registry?
Sit on the floor with a hat turned upside down on the floor beside you.
posted by sallybrown at 10:45 PM on April 6, 2010 [15 favorites]
1. We don't need towels or toasters- but we could definitely use a chainsaw or a good carry-on bag or a stand-mixer. Do we really have to do the dance of the return line?
You can register for whatever you want, including stores that offer chainsaws and carry-on bags and (what could be more BOG STANDARD THAN) stand-mixers.
2. Also, our venue has a legal limit of 50 guests on the day of our wedding. It's a LEGAL issue. I'd love to invite everybody- I can't. I want to invite all of our friends to dinner a few nights before. How can I make this feel special, help these folks understand that they are precious to us, etc?
Well, this is bullshit. the LEGAL limit of persons is that of the venue that YOU chose. Having a pre-wedding "event" for people you chose not to invite to your wedding is definitely socially dodgy... It's so weird that it's hard for me to imagine how I'd react to such a thing (but I'd probably decline).
3. I'm not having a 'best man'. All my friends are good. I've having all the guys wear black and white (we all really like 'Reservoir Dogs'). What could they do that would be cool (besides carry us out on sedan chairs)?
I feel like there's a disconnect between not having a best man (because you're too cool for the theatricality of the standard Wedding Scene) - and expecting ALL of your friends to participate in some kind of Theater of You. If you want to eschew the traditional, then maybe let your "all good" friends enjoy themselves and wear what they like.
posted by moxiedoll at 10:46 PM on April 6, 2010 [10 favorites]
You can register for whatever you want, including stores that offer chainsaws and carry-on bags and (what could be more BOG STANDARD THAN) stand-mixers.
2. Also, our venue has a legal limit of 50 guests on the day of our wedding. It's a LEGAL issue. I'd love to invite everybody- I can't. I want to invite all of our friends to dinner a few nights before. How can I make this feel special, help these folks understand that they are precious to us, etc?
Well, this is bullshit. the LEGAL limit of persons is that of the venue that YOU chose. Having a pre-wedding "event" for people you chose not to invite to your wedding is definitely socially dodgy... It's so weird that it's hard for me to imagine how I'd react to such a thing (but I'd probably decline).
3. I'm not having a 'best man'. All my friends are good. I've having all the guys wear black and white (we all really like 'Reservoir Dogs'). What could they do that would be cool (besides carry us out on sedan chairs)?
I feel like there's a disconnect between not having a best man (because you're too cool for the theatricality of the standard Wedding Scene) - and expecting ALL of your friends to participate in some kind of Theater of You. If you want to eschew the traditional, then maybe let your "all good" friends enjoy themselves and wear what they like.
posted by moxiedoll at 10:46 PM on April 6, 2010 [10 favorites]
Best answer: A friend of mine, who had been living with her fiancee for 9 years and thus had a fairly established household, created a wedding registry with unusual items -
Spades for her garden, fruit trees, and so on.
Everyone loved it, and people had a lot of fun gift-wrapping the spades.
The way she did it was that her fiancee (who is a programmer) created an on-line registry (only accessible to wedding guests), where people could commit to buy [item X], or notify that they had bought [item X], but from whichever store they chose.
The website showed which items were committed to or bought, to avoid doubling up.
The website also said "I won't be offended if you don't buy me a gift, your presence is present enough."
The registry had a mixture of quite cheap items - salad spinners - and quite expensive items, so that people could choose whatever they felt was appropriate to their relationship with the couple, and to the guests available income.
Her registry also included quite a few "gifts to charity" - buy fresh water for a village and that sort of thing.
posted by Oceanesque at 10:53 PM on April 6, 2010 [11 favorites]
Spades for her garden, fruit trees, and so on.
Everyone loved it, and people had a lot of fun gift-wrapping the spades.
The way she did it was that her fiancee (who is a programmer) created an on-line registry (only accessible to wedding guests), where people could commit to buy [item X], or notify that they had bought [item X], but from whichever store they chose.
The website showed which items were committed to or bought, to avoid doubling up.
The website also said "I won't be offended if you don't buy me a gift, your presence is present enough."
The registry had a mixture of quite cheap items - salad spinners - and quite expensive items, so that people could choose whatever they felt was appropriate to their relationship with the couple, and to the guests available income.
Her registry also included quite a few "gifts to charity" - buy fresh water for a village and that sort of thing.
posted by Oceanesque at 10:53 PM on April 6, 2010 [11 favorites]
I've having all the guys wear black and white (we all really like 'Reservoir Dogs').
No, no, no, don't do that. I've had to go to a wedding where guests (guests! not the wedding party) were required to dress in certain colors, and it was annoying as hell and a huge hassle. It's your wedding – dress up however you want, but don't inconvenience people, especially your friends, with arbitrary whims.
posted by halogen at 10:53 PM on April 6, 2010 [9 favorites]
No, no, no, don't do that. I've had to go to a wedding where guests (guests! not the wedding party) were required to dress in certain colors, and it was annoying as hell and a huge hassle. It's your wedding – dress up however you want, but don't inconvenience people, especially your friends, with arbitrary whims.
posted by halogen at 10:53 PM on April 6, 2010 [9 favorites]
Hey, sorry dudes. I'd love for you to come to the wedding, but it's a LEGAL issue. No problem, you can just send CASH! It's okay, we're gown-ups.
This may be a problem for some of your friends. It's second marriage for both of you and you're both grown-ups. Why not emphasize friends and family, more than gifts?
"The dance of the return line? Really? It's 2010?" Consider putting this in the invitation. I'm having trouble thinking of a more offensive way of phrasing this.
I'm not saying that you need to have your wedding at a venue that allows more than 50 people. It's your wedding, do whatever you want. But putting restrictions on the gifts of people who aren't even invited can possibly cause offense that will NEVER be rectified.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:20 AM on April 7, 2010 [8 favorites]
This may be a problem for some of your friends. It's second marriage for both of you and you're both grown-ups. Why not emphasize friends and family, more than gifts?
"The dance of the return line? Really? It's 2010?" Consider putting this in the invitation. I'm having trouble thinking of a more offensive way of phrasing this.
I'm not saying that you need to have your wedding at a venue that allows more than 50 people. It's your wedding, do whatever you want. But putting restrictions on the gifts of people who aren't even invited can possibly cause offense that will NEVER be rectified.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:20 AM on April 7, 2010 [8 favorites]
Amazon wedding registry - ask for that chain saw, mixer, carry-on bag, accordion, dremel tool, cordless screwdriver and gift cards. People really want to buy you stuff on these occasions - the best you can do is guide them gently towards things you will actually find useful.
As to guests at the wedding. It's your wedding and you can only have 50 people there...choose wisely and be honest with your friends about the seating capacity. If they're really friends they will understand.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:38 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
As to guests at the wedding. It's your wedding and you can only have 50 people there...choose wisely and be honest with your friends about the seating capacity. If they're really friends they will understand.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:38 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Meh, in NY/NJ it's kind of tacky to not give money as a wedding gift. No need for people to get offended, the OP didn't say he's expecting anything, but really, when was the last time someone went to a wedding without a gift? The OP is just being realistic here - people WILL get him gifts, might as well make them more readily useable.
If you're somewhere where people would be appalled at the idea of you asking for cash, then register at the places that have chainsaws and whatever else you want. Hopefully people will get the message that you really just need to buy random household stuff instead of matching place sets, and maybe they'll give you gift cards for those stores. It's what I would do if I saw you registered at Home Depot but couldn't afford the chainsaw/bathtub/lawnmower that was on the registry.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 12:42 AM on April 7, 2010
If you're somewhere where people would be appalled at the idea of you asking for cash, then register at the places that have chainsaws and whatever else you want. Hopefully people will get the message that you really just need to buy random household stuff instead of matching place sets, and maybe they'll give you gift cards for those stores. It's what I would do if I saw you registered at Home Depot but couldn't afford the chainsaw/bathtub/lawnmower that was on the registry.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 12:42 AM on April 7, 2010
I think it's tacky to ask for gifts at a second wedding, but maybe that's just me.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:17 AM on April 7, 2010 [21 favorites]
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:17 AM on April 7, 2010 [21 favorites]
I think it's tacky to ask for gifts at a second wedding, but maybe that's just me.
I share this sentiment. Wedding gifts were traditionally to set up a young couple's household. It shouldn't be a windfall for anyone who ties the knot the 2nd (or more) time around.
If you really want to show your friends that it's about them, make it clear that no gifts will be accepted. Give a link to a charity for those who have to do something. I guarantee you'll still get stuff sent to the house anyway, but at least you tried to do the right thing.
posted by qwip at 1:31 AM on April 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
I share this sentiment. Wedding gifts were traditionally to set up a young couple's household. It shouldn't be a windfall for anyone who ties the knot the 2nd (or more) time around.
If you really want to show your friends that it's about them, make it clear that no gifts will be accepted. Give a link to a charity for those who have to do something. I guarantee you'll still get stuff sent to the house anyway, but at least you tried to do the right thing.
posted by qwip at 1:31 AM on April 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
As for your issue #2 - our venue has a legal limit of 50 guests on the day of our wedding. It's a LEGAL issue. I'd love to invite everybody- I can't. I want to invite all of our friends to dinner a few nights before. How can I make this feel special, help these folks understand that they are precious to us, etc? Wine?
It really does not matter how big the wedding venue is or how many people you invite. Someone will always feel left out, no matter what. That said, inviting your friends to dinner a few nights before the wedding may not be the best idea.
My friend's solution to the small wedding issue (because they had a very small wedding) was to throw a large celebratory wedding barbecue party as soon as the weather made it feasible to have an outdoor party. It turned into a bit of a potluck, as people wanted to bring food and help with decorations and stuff, but my friend and her husband provided beer, wine, champagne and lots of food. A good time was had by all. (They had a big yard to do this, but if you don't, possibly a friend or relative does, or you can find an alternative outdoor venue.)
posted by gudrun at 1:31 AM on April 7, 2010
It really does not matter how big the wedding venue is or how many people you invite. Someone will always feel left out, no matter what. That said, inviting your friends to dinner a few nights before the wedding may not be the best idea.
My friend's solution to the small wedding issue (because they had a very small wedding) was to throw a large celebratory wedding barbecue party as soon as the weather made it feasible to have an outdoor party. It turned into a bit of a potluck, as people wanted to bring food and help with decorations and stuff, but my friend and her husband provided beer, wine, champagne and lots of food. A good time was had by all. (They had a big yard to do this, but if you don't, possibly a friend or relative does, or you can find an alternative outdoor venue.)
posted by gudrun at 1:31 AM on April 7, 2010
In the UK, you can use a service like Bottom Drawer, where people buy "parts" of the gifts you specify. They're really giving you cash, of course, but it's a nicer way for people to feel they pay for something.
For my wedding, Mrs MM and I had been living together for some time and didn't need much of the usual stuff people ask for. But we did need a dining room table and some chairs. We divided up the table and chairs into $20 bits and people could buy as much or as little as they wanted to.
We also said to people that they didn't need to give us a gift.
I think WhattoGive works for the US.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:44 AM on April 7, 2010
For my wedding, Mrs MM and I had been living together for some time and didn't need much of the usual stuff people ask for. But we did need a dining room table and some chairs. We divided up the table and chairs into $20 bits and people could buy as much or as little as they wanted to.
We also said to people that they didn't need to give us a gift.
I think WhattoGive works for the US.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:44 AM on April 7, 2010
I wonder how much this is regional/cultural. I've been to three weddings recently (in NZ) where the invitation specified, in small print on the RSVP note, that in lieu of gifts the bride and groom would appreciate money.
At one wedding, the couple put a photo of an outdoor dining set they really wanted in the invitation, and a "wishing well" with a picture of the set was at the reception. Guests put in cards with cash, or just cards, or blank envelopes if they preferred to be anonymous. Some still gave gifts.
At another, the bride had written a (cheesy) poem saying that since they had been together for 10 years and had two kids, they didn't need gifts but wanted to go on a holiday, so provided a lovely box and envelopes for monetary gifts. Again, some brought gifts but most brought money.
My sister asked for money gifts at her wedding, and they had also been together for a long time before marrying. In NZ (or maybe just in my circle of family/friends, I don't know) the registry thing isn't really done, and I don't think it's considered rude here to ask for cash. On the contrary, I would say it saves guests some hassle and they can be aware that they're giving for a specific purpose.
posted by tracicle at 2:22 AM on April 7, 2010
At one wedding, the couple put a photo of an outdoor dining set they really wanted in the invitation, and a "wishing well" with a picture of the set was at the reception. Guests put in cards with cash, or just cards, or blank envelopes if they preferred to be anonymous. Some still gave gifts.
At another, the bride had written a (cheesy) poem saying that since they had been together for 10 years and had two kids, they didn't need gifts but wanted to go on a holiday, so provided a lovely box and envelopes for monetary gifts. Again, some brought gifts but most brought money.
My sister asked for money gifts at her wedding, and they had also been together for a long time before marrying. In NZ (or maybe just in my circle of family/friends, I don't know) the registry thing isn't really done, and I don't think it's considered rude here to ask for cash. On the contrary, I would say it saves guests some hassle and they can be aware that they're giving for a specific purpose.
posted by tracicle at 2:22 AM on April 7, 2010
I don't think its regional. Those horrible little poems are popping up all over the place, including the US and Australia. A lot of wedding planning websites advocate them, but according to etiquette, it is rude to make any mention of the gift in the invitation.
In my experience, your best option to not register at all. I got married five months ago, and due to a communication breakdown no one on my father's side of the family knew we had a registry. They all gave us cash gifts instead. A lot of people interpret a lack of a registry as indicating a preference for cash.
Its not foolproof, but then neither is writing "CASH ONLY" on your invites. Its a gift, people will give what they please.
posted by PercyByssheShelley at 3:38 AM on April 7, 2010
In my experience, your best option to not register at all. I got married five months ago, and due to a communication breakdown no one on my father's side of the family knew we had a registry. They all gave us cash gifts instead. A lot of people interpret a lack of a registry as indicating a preference for cash.
Its not foolproof, but then neither is writing "CASH ONLY" on your invites. Its a gift, people will give what they please.
posted by PercyByssheShelley at 3:38 AM on April 7, 2010
1. You can't, at least not without insulting them. Well, for the noncash gifts you could register and direct anyone who asks to whichever friend/relative is taking care of the registry for you. But there's no nice way to ask for cash gifts unless you and the vast majority of your guests come from a culture where that's the norm, and if you did, you probably wouldn't be asking the question anyway.
2. By not asking for money at all and not asking for gifts upfront; that is, by not putting registry info in with the invitation, not mentioning gifts in any form anywhere near the invitation, even in the form "no gifts please" which is a recipreversexcluson. That way, you avoid the most reliable method of making them feel distinctly unspecial.
Other than that, your venue choice is made and some people will, reasonably or not, feel excluded and they may or may not express this to you. If you really want to make them feel special then you could send them a gift with a note thanking them for being such good friends over the years. Of course, unless everybody at the dinner is receiving a gift, you would need to deliver the gifts to the recipients' homes rather than present them publicly on the night.
3. They could show up and provide the usual assistance that wedding parties provide, and otherwise enjoy themselves as honored guests.
Or you could ignore all this and listen to the people who say they're used to direct or indirect ways of being asked for money at weddings and that it's the new/regional/whatever cultural norm. I will acknowledge that every wedding I've been invited to over the last decade has had multiple registry info included right there with the invitation itself, and that many of these included requests for cash. I've also had direct or strongly implied requests for cash printed on invitations to (potluck) engagement parties for weddings I knew I wouldn't be invited to (in the form of, "gifts are welcome but do be aware that we're flying home and can't take anything that will take up much room in our luggage...") Or had people say to me quite bluntly and in the same breath "I'm getting married in a year and I want vouchers", "I'm getting married in two weeks and I want vouchers". So you would probably get away with stuff like this, in the sense that you wouldn't be straying far from common practice as I've observed it. But no-one making requests in this way made me feel special, quite the opposite, and that was your question, so there you go.
posted by tel3path at 4:03 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
2. By not asking for money at all and not asking for gifts upfront; that is, by not putting registry info in with the invitation, not mentioning gifts in any form anywhere near the invitation, even in the form "no gifts please" which is a recipreversexcluson. That way, you avoid the most reliable method of making them feel distinctly unspecial.
Other than that, your venue choice is made and some people will, reasonably or not, feel excluded and they may or may not express this to you. If you really want to make them feel special then you could send them a gift with a note thanking them for being such good friends over the years. Of course, unless everybody at the dinner is receiving a gift, you would need to deliver the gifts to the recipients' homes rather than present them publicly on the night.
3. They could show up and provide the usual assistance that wedding parties provide, and otherwise enjoy themselves as honored guests.
Or you could ignore all this and listen to the people who say they're used to direct or indirect ways of being asked for money at weddings and that it's the new/regional/whatever cultural norm. I will acknowledge that every wedding I've been invited to over the last decade has had multiple registry info included right there with the invitation itself, and that many of these included requests for cash. I've also had direct or strongly implied requests for cash printed on invitations to (potluck) engagement parties for weddings I knew I wouldn't be invited to (in the form of, "gifts are welcome but do be aware that we're flying home and can't take anything that will take up much room in our luggage...") Or had people say to me quite bluntly and in the same breath "I'm getting married in a year and I want vouchers", "I'm getting married in two weeks and I want vouchers". So you would probably get away with stuff like this, in the sense that you wouldn't be straying far from common practice as I've observed it. But no-one making requests in this way made me feel special, quite the opposite, and that was your question, so there you go.
posted by tel3path at 4:03 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
There was a question like this a while back. MeFites are split on this. Some don't think it's tacky to ask for money. Many do. Unfortunately, MeFites are generally more forward thinking than the rest of the world (I.E.: your family, acquaintances) so if 65% of MeFites think it's tacky, the real world number is going to be more like 95%. My girlfriend and I did a honeymoon registry, put it on our wedding website, and never mentioned it again, and even THAT (a registry for something other than tangible gifts like crock pots and shit) generated a lot of controversy.
It's been said so many times it's exhausting, but it really is true. If you decide to have a wedding and you invite people from all over the place, and especially if you're inviting family, you need to immediately stop thinking about how it's a celebration of your marriage and start thinking about how to accommodate the most difficult people you've invited, and how to make everyone happy. Sorry. Also, it's probably best that you don't think of your wedding as a moneymaking enterprise.
posted by orville sash at 5:01 AM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's been said so many times it's exhausting, but it really is true. If you decide to have a wedding and you invite people from all over the place, and especially if you're inviting family, you need to immediately stop thinking about how it's a celebration of your marriage and start thinking about how to accommodate the most difficult people you've invited, and how to make everyone happy. Sorry. Also, it's probably best that you don't think of your wedding as a moneymaking enterprise.
posted by orville sash at 5:01 AM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
A nicer example I've seen: provide a gift registry option and an alternate option to contribute to a honeymoon/voucher.
A not-so-nice example I've seen: ask for honeymoon contributions and then don't take the trip and use the money for something else. There's two things in there that leave a bad taste (and the first always leaves the option open for the second).
Of course it's hard when people are generally get married later and are established to varying degrees (i.e. already have a casserole dish and a set of nice plates, for want of a better stereotype). People (like me!) also like selecting a gift they think the couple will like/love/cherish, especially if you're close. (Disclaimer -- I generally avoid registries (or get there too late because I'm so disorganised).)
posted by prettypretty at 5:13 AM on April 7, 2010
A not-so-nice example I've seen: ask for honeymoon contributions and then don't take the trip and use the money for something else. There's two things in there that leave a bad taste (and the first always leaves the option open for the second).
Of course it's hard when people are generally get married later and are established to varying degrees (i.e. already have a casserole dish and a set of nice plates, for want of a better stereotype). People (like me!) also like selecting a gift they think the couple will like/love/cherish, especially if you're close. (Disclaimer -- I generally avoid registries (or get there too late because I'm so disorganised).)
posted by prettypretty at 5:13 AM on April 7, 2010
You can't request gift cards or cash, it is still totally rude and tacky. Many people will give you money, however, and you can set up registries at places that have the things you need. Sears is a good place to register for a combination of tools and home goods. You can also register at Amazon for the ultimate in flexibility. I personally think registries are a little tacky, but they are way better than outright asking for gift cards and cash. The latter would require you to actually express that you expect gifts, and that is just a big faux pas.
As for the friends thing...I have had friends who had either really small weddings or who eloped. What they tend to do to celebrate with their extended group of friends is to do something AFTER the wedding so that they can see pictures from the big day. If I were in your shoes, I would make it very clear to all invited to this that they are not expected to bring gifts, because otherwise it is going to seem like a gross gift-grab ("Well, you weren't important enough to make it on to the wedding list, but here's a great opportunity for you to congratulate me and bring your gifts!"). I realize that is not your intent, but many weddings these days seem more focused on getting gifts than is comfortable for a lot of people.
To make it special, maybe do a nice dinner and make each guest a favor of some sort (nothing stupid/useless, maybe some nice candy or a bottle of wine if you can spring for it) and include a personal note to each friend thanking them for being such great friends. Another nice idea is to use the opportunity to take photos with all your friends, and then give them a copy (while you keep and possibly display copies, yourself).
posted by tastybrains at 5:16 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for the friends thing...I have had friends who had either really small weddings or who eloped. What they tend to do to celebrate with their extended group of friends is to do something AFTER the wedding so that they can see pictures from the big day. If I were in your shoes, I would make it very clear to all invited to this that they are not expected to bring gifts, because otherwise it is going to seem like a gross gift-grab ("Well, you weren't important enough to make it on to the wedding list, but here's a great opportunity for you to congratulate me and bring your gifts!"). I realize that is not your intent, but many weddings these days seem more focused on getting gifts than is comfortable for a lot of people.
To make it special, maybe do a nice dinner and make each guest a favor of some sort (nothing stupid/useless, maybe some nice candy or a bottle of wine if you can spring for it) and include a personal note to each friend thanking them for being such great friends. Another nice idea is to use the opportunity to take photos with all your friends, and then give them a copy (while you keep and possibly display copies, yourself).
posted by tastybrains at 5:16 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
We used Amazon as our registry. They have it set up so that you can register for practically anything that is available for sale on the internet.
I registered for a goat, as a joke.
3 people tried to purchase it for us.
Moral of the story: don't register for a goat unless you ACTUALLY WANT ONE.
posted by Seppaku at 5:54 AM on April 7, 2010 [22 favorites]
I registered for a goat, as a joke.
3 people tried to purchase it for us.
Moral of the story: don't register for a goat unless you ACTUALLY WANT ONE.
posted by Seppaku at 5:54 AM on April 7, 2010 [22 favorites]
Sorry but any reference to gifts at a second wedding is gross. Grown ups who already own toasters need to buy their own chainsaws, and any registry at all is kind of tacky to me. If someone wants to surprise you with a wine of the month club membership or something that's all well and good, but it shouldn't really be presented or thought of as an opportunity to rack up the little items the household has been missing.
And nthing that there's no way to make up to people you didn't invite to your wedding by 'letting them know they're special' -- not inviting them is the thing that lets them know how you feel. If you need to have a limited wedding, I think 50 is pushing the number of 'special' people, which really, if you're only inviting the special people, is just parents.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:01 AM on April 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
And nthing that there's no way to make up to people you didn't invite to your wedding by 'letting them know they're special' -- not inviting them is the thing that lets them know how you feel. If you need to have a limited wedding, I think 50 is pushing the number of 'special' people, which really, if you're only inviting the special people, is just parents.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:01 AM on April 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
A wedding isn't a fundraiser. If you think some people are going to insist on sending you something, tell them you're registered at whatever place has what you want.
posted by Elsie at 6:03 AM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 6:03 AM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Have your guys wear sunglasses or something that is the color of a character from Res. Dogs, since they all went by Mr. Pink, Mr. Blue, etc. The biggest smartass in the bunch should be Mr. Pink ;)
posted by wwartorff at 6:08 AM on April 7, 2010
posted by wwartorff at 6:08 AM on April 7, 2010
Regarding your first issue, people who love you want to give you something that they think is a good gift. Some people don't like giving cash; some people want to give you a solid thing that they can picture you using in your daily life. I personally, would jump at the chance to buy someone a chainsaw as a wedding gift off their registry. It makes people who love you feel good to give the gift they think will make you happy--even if what they think is a good gift doesn't match what you think is a good gift. This is why we do the dance of the return line. Whatever you do, and whatever you get, write thank-you notes quickly. This will be easier after a 50-guest wedding than after a 300-guest wedding. Also, for every person who thinks gifts for a second marriage are tacky, there will be another person asking where you're registered, so I'd advise creating a small registry and not telling people unless/until they ask specifically; some people will give you cash, some will decline to give anything, and others will give you stuff, regardless of any requests or plans you make.
Regarding #2, as tastybrains suggests, I'd do a party after the wedding. A dinner before the wedding seems a bit too... engagement party? rehearsal dinner? one of those things that includes people who are invited to the wedding, too. I'd be a little miffed if I were invited to a party to celebrate an awesome upcoming wedding that I'm not invited to, whereas I'd happily attend a party celebrating my friends' recent marriage.
I don't know if maybe this is just the way your question is written, but it seems like you want to both do nontraditional things like not have a best man or whatever else and have everyone's approval. Whatever you do, traditional or not, someone will disapprove and it will be ok.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:11 AM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Regarding #2, as tastybrains suggests, I'd do a party after the wedding. A dinner before the wedding seems a bit too... engagement party? rehearsal dinner? one of those things that includes people who are invited to the wedding, too. I'd be a little miffed if I were invited to a party to celebrate an awesome upcoming wedding that I'm not invited to, whereas I'd happily attend a party celebrating my friends' recent marriage.
I don't know if maybe this is just the way your question is written, but it seems like you want to both do nontraditional things like not have a best man or whatever else and have everyone's approval. Whatever you do, traditional or not, someone will disapprove and it will be ok.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:11 AM on April 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Agreed that the dinner/party should be after the wedding and, if possible, should be advertised less as a celebration of your recent exclusive marriage and more as a welcome-to-our-marital-home blowout.
posted by acidic at 7:01 AM on April 7, 2010
posted by acidic at 7:01 AM on April 7, 2010
You could solve 1 and 2 by running a lottery for tickets to the reception...
I kid. If you explain to people that the venue is too small for a big do they'll understand. If not, that's not really your problem. Regarding gifts, I think it's ok to mention, just don't make a big deal out of it. I've been to a wedding where the folowing was added to the invite: 'If you were thinking of getting a gift we'd appreciate vouchers, but no worries if not. See you on the big day!". I would say no on the dress code, but it depends on your guests, are they the dress-up type?
posted by freya_lamb at 7:02 AM on April 7, 2010
I kid. If you explain to people that the venue is too small for a big do they'll understand. If not, that's not really your problem. Regarding gifts, I think it's ok to mention, just don't make a big deal out of it. I've been to a wedding where the folowing was added to the invite: 'If you were thinking of getting a gift we'd appreciate vouchers, but no worries if not. See you on the big day!". I would say no on the dress code, but it depends on your guests, are they the dress-up type?
posted by freya_lamb at 7:02 AM on April 7, 2010
Have you heard about this website? I've heard people rave about it...
posted by ohyouknow at 7:45 AM on April 7, 2010
posted by ohyouknow at 7:45 AM on April 7, 2010
I think if you're going to do this and not make those not invited to the ceremony feel like they're total B Listers, you need to 1) make the party after the wedding, and 2) make it fun and casual. Fun and casual is not making them dress up like they're in your bridal party, nor is it making them participate in community theater (unless you think that's really everyone's bag, which I suspect it isn't), nor is it inviting lots and lots of people for what might be perceived as a gift grab. (I'm not accusing you of this, but I've been on the B List before and *everyone* thought the purpose of the invite was a gift shakedown because the event felt so tacked-on.) Open bar and great music in an unusual or cool venue goes a long way to making people feel special.
If you care about making the invitees feel special, it can't be about putting your gift requests for a second wedding front-and-center. Really, I'd ditch the gift idea entirely unless people are really set on giving you something, and then you can refer them to a registry. You're grownups who've been previously married. You had your gift moment already. Just make it about celebrating your marriage and the wonderful friends and family you have and don't stress about getting and returning a salad spinner.
posted by *s at 7:45 AM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you care about making the invitees feel special, it can't be about putting your gift requests for a second wedding front-and-center. Really, I'd ditch the gift idea entirely unless people are really set on giving you something, and then you can refer them to a registry. You're grownups who've been previously married. You had your gift moment already. Just make it about celebrating your marriage and the wonderful friends and family you have and don't stress about getting and returning a salad spinner.
posted by *s at 7:45 AM on April 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
The traditional way to ask for cash for your wedding is to not register at all. You'll get some things you don't want, but you'll also get cash from a lot of people.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:00 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 8:00 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is a bit redundant but it bears repeating. Just a few days ago I saw a wedding invitation that said (on the third line or so, no less!) that cash gifts were appreciated. I thought this was extraordinarily foul.
The next line said the couple is registered at Target.
Look, if you're gonna shake people down, at least try to do it subtly. Have a separate piece of paper in the invitation or something.
I understand the motivation for registries--some guests like to give gifts and they appreciate having a list to pick from--but good grief don't put this on the third line of the invitation.
posted by massysett at 8:06 AM on April 7, 2010
The next line said the couple is registered at Target.
Look, if you're gonna shake people down, at least try to do it subtly. Have a separate piece of paper in the invitation or something.
I understand the motivation for registries--some guests like to give gifts and they appreciate having a list to pick from--but good grief don't put this on the third line of the invitation.
posted by massysett at 8:06 AM on April 7, 2010
Since you have plenty of stuff, you don't need wedding gifts. You can make everybody feel special by saying, honestly, We want to celebrate with our family and friends, and, since we've been married before, we don't need gifts. Register at Amazon for 10 household things you could use. If, and only if people ask where you're registered, you can tell them. Traditionally, 2nd weddings generate smaller, or no, gifts, as you are presumed to have already set up households.
It's fine to tell people, It's a small venue, so we weren't able to invite everyone, but we hope you'll come to a BBQ, open house, etc. Potluck would be a good plan. When people aren't invited to the wedding, they are not expected to bring gifts. For the after-the-wedding event, if, and only if people ask where you're registered, you can tell them to bring lots of champagne to the party.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on April 7, 2010
It's fine to tell people, It's a small venue, so we weren't able to invite everyone, but we hope you'll come to a BBQ, open house, etc. Potluck would be a good plan. When people aren't invited to the wedding, they are not expected to bring gifts. For the after-the-wedding event, if, and only if people ask where you're registered, you can tell them to bring lots of champagne to the party.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on April 7, 2010
I don't know which is more troubling: a huge, expensive wedding for a very young couple where you make a bet with yourself on how long the marriage will last, or a wedding between old, seasoned pros who have gone through it all before and see it as a way to accumulate wealth while celebrating themselves.
Marriage is a ritual celebrating a social passage. Society (i.e. your circle of friends and family) is invited to watch as you legally bind yourself to another person. What it isn't is a theatrical show where you two are the stars and people pay for the privilege of watching you.
Lecture over. Try to pretend that you are not expecting presents. In fact, don't expect presents from people who are not invited to the actual ceremony. Instead, the custom is to have an "at home" party sometime after the wedding. Then you can show off your new home, and it can be as formal or as informal as you wish. I've never heard of a "Wedding Eve Dinner" and would think it would be fraught with unspoken questions ("Why didn't they invite us to the wedding? They invited Sue, what makes her so special?")
Your At Home party can be just as soon as you wish. My husband and I were married at CIty Hall Dec 31 and had a New Year's Day open house with food and champagne from 12:00 to 5:00. Some people brought presents, some didn't. Everyone was welcome.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:06 AM on April 7, 2010
Marriage is a ritual celebrating a social passage. Society (i.e. your circle of friends and family) is invited to watch as you legally bind yourself to another person. What it isn't is a theatrical show where you two are the stars and people pay for the privilege of watching you.
Lecture over. Try to pretend that you are not expecting presents. In fact, don't expect presents from people who are not invited to the actual ceremony. Instead, the custom is to have an "at home" party sometime after the wedding. Then you can show off your new home, and it can be as formal or as informal as you wish. I've never heard of a "Wedding Eve Dinner" and would think it would be fraught with unspoken questions ("Why didn't they invite us to the wedding? They invited Sue, what makes her so special?")
Your At Home party can be just as soon as you wish. My husband and I were married at CIty Hall Dec 31 and had a New Year's Day open house with food and champagne from 12:00 to 5:00. Some people brought presents, some didn't. Everyone was welcome.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:06 AM on April 7, 2010
Moral of the story: don't register for a goat unless you ACTUALLY WANT ONE.
posted by Seppaku at 8:54 AM on April 7 [9 favorites +] [!]
Conveniently, there is a way to give people goats for their weddings! When Mr. Ant and I married, it was both our second weddings. Neither of us wanted to do the gifts thing, so we requested Heifer animals instead.
I think it's important to remember that although wedding gifts are practically compulsory, they are gifts and you should be grateful for what you receive, no matter what it is. If it's not useful to you, return it, sell it on eBay, re-gift it, whatever. Have some humility.
posted by workerant at 9:31 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Seppaku at 8:54 AM on April 7 [9 favorites +] [!]
Conveniently, there is a way to give people goats for their weddings! When Mr. Ant and I married, it was both our second weddings. Neither of us wanted to do the gifts thing, so we requested Heifer animals instead.
I think it's important to remember that although wedding gifts are practically compulsory, they are gifts and you should be grateful for what you receive, no matter what it is. If it's not useful to you, return it, sell it on eBay, re-gift it, whatever. Have some humility.
posted by workerant at 9:31 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Since this is a second marriage and you are both grown ups, maybe you don't really need wedding gifts?
On preview, this has already been said.
posted by serazin at 9:58 AM on April 7, 2010
On preview, this has already been said.
posted by serazin at 9:58 AM on April 7, 2010
One of the things that's nice about wedding gifts is getting things you didn't ask for. Yes, some will be not to your taste, useless, etc. and they will make their way to a return counter/bottom shelf/re-gifting opportunity. But others will be beautiful and cherished and remembered as coming from a specific person. 14 years on, I don't remember who gave me what on my registry list, but every time I pull out the blue handmade glasses, I think of the cousin who found them and thought of us.
posted by Sukey Says at 10:17 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Sukey Says at 10:17 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Any mention of gifts even, "Please no gifts" is tacky. "We've got what we need, cash only please" is infinitely more tacky.
That's just the way etiquette goes.
That said, if you registered for a chainsaw, second wedding or no, I'd totally buy it for you. Not only that, but I'd make sure it was gassed up, sharpened and bundled with two pairs of safety goggles, just in case you felt like cutting the cake with it.
I wouldn't worry too much though, in this day of fairly common second weddings, I don't think too many people are going to be asking for your china pattern. Cash is kind of a default gift at second weddings.
Regarding the party, it's cool that you want to celebrate with friends, but I'd do it _after_ the wedding(and even the honeymoon, if you're doing one).
Anything you do before a wedding is going to be associated with the real event, whether you intend it to or not.
An event after the wedding is more of a "Let's blow some of these gift cards on booze and play with a chainsaw" vibe and is definitely less formal.
Regarding your "best men".
Ushers for grandmas, aunts, mothers, is always a "ooh la la" thing, especially if your friends are dapper.
Maybe a crossed swords line but with canes?
posted by madajb at 10:56 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's just the way etiquette goes.
That said, if you registered for a chainsaw, second wedding or no, I'd totally buy it for you. Not only that, but I'd make sure it was gassed up, sharpened and bundled with two pairs of safety goggles, just in case you felt like cutting the cake with it.
I wouldn't worry too much though, in this day of fairly common second weddings, I don't think too many people are going to be asking for your china pattern. Cash is kind of a default gift at second weddings.
Regarding the party, it's cool that you want to celebrate with friends, but I'd do it _after_ the wedding(and even the honeymoon, if you're doing one).
Anything you do before a wedding is going to be associated with the real event, whether you intend it to or not.
An event after the wedding is more of a "Let's blow some of these gift cards on booze and play with a chainsaw" vibe and is definitely less formal.
Regarding your "best men".
Ushers for grandmas, aunts, mothers, is always a "ooh la la" thing, especially if your friends are dapper.
Maybe a crossed swords line but with canes?
posted by madajb at 10:56 AM on April 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
When people ask you where you're registered or if you just want cash, you can say "Honestly? No gifts are necessary, but if you want to bring something, we'd prefer the cash." If people don't ask, there is no way to tell them. Sorry.
posted by KathrynT at 11:35 AM on April 7, 2010
posted by KathrynT at 11:35 AM on April 7, 2010
I know a couple of people who passive-aggressively punish people who ask for cash in the wedding invite by buying them hideously ugly silverplate OBJECTS (the more useless, the better) and then having them engraved so the couple can't return them. And then enthusiastically asking about how much the couple is enjoying them over and over so the couple feels guilty sending it to Goodwill.
I am torn between horror and admiration at this behavior, to be quite frank. Usually when a wedding invitation specifies cash, I just decline the invitation. Obviously they're trying to make more off me than they're spending on me, so I'll just save them the cost of me attending. (When an invitation comes with registry cards, I make a Marge Simpson noise but deal with it. When an invitation comes without registry cards, I am delighted and usually a check of two or three stores online turns up the couple's registry with me even having to call.)
Related, I'm not entirely sure why putting tacky rudeness in cutesy poems is imagined to make it less tacky or less rude. Now it's just tacky, rude, and twee.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
I am torn between horror and admiration at this behavior, to be quite frank. Usually when a wedding invitation specifies cash, I just decline the invitation. Obviously they're trying to make more off me than they're spending on me, so I'll just save them the cost of me attending. (When an invitation comes with registry cards, I make a Marge Simpson noise but deal with it. When an invitation comes without registry cards, I am delighted and usually a check of two or three stores online turns up the couple's registry with me even having to call.)
Related, I'm not entirely sure why putting tacky rudeness in cutesy poems is imagined to make it less tacky or less rude. Now it's just tacky, rude, and twee.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
It seems really tacky to me to register or ask for any type of gift for a second wedding. People don't usually have baby showers for each baby. I think of marriages the same way. If I had been to your first wedding, I would not be inclined to spring for another gift. Unless I was a very close family member or friend, I wouldn't even go to the second wedding. I'm sorry, but it seems tacky to have a big second wedding (if both of you have been married before... if one of you hasn't been married before, then a big wedding might make sense).
I don't know how large your family is, but do you really have over 50 close friends/family members? If I was a close friend/family member and wasn't invited to a wedding that had 50 guests, I would feel like I was unimportant to you. If it was a smaller wedding - less than 25 or so, I would understand. I come from a small family though.
I don't know if it's your intention, but your question comes off as a bit money grubbing and if you are appearing this way to your guests, you might create some ill will.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:13 PM on April 7, 2010
I don't know how large your family is, but do you really have over 50 close friends/family members? If I was a close friend/family member and wasn't invited to a wedding that had 50 guests, I would feel like I was unimportant to you. If it was a smaller wedding - less than 25 or so, I would understand. I come from a small family though.
I don't know if it's your intention, but your question comes off as a bit money grubbing and if you are appearing this way to your guests, you might create some ill will.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:13 PM on April 7, 2010
You can register for these things, but only have the places where you registered shared by word of mouth or on your wedding website, NEVER on your invitations. You can't ask for money. I guess you could tell the people VERY close to you that you want cash and they could tell people that if they ask what to get you.
I think you are kidding yourself that it is a legal reason why you can't invite people to the wedding. Unless you were doing it backwards, you figured out how many people you would invite and then searched for a venue based on that number. Tell people you want to have a small wedding or you can only afford to have a small wedding, not the legal thing because if you really wanted them there you would have just picked a different venue.
posted by NHlove at 2:10 PM on April 7, 2010
I think you are kidding yourself that it is a legal reason why you can't invite people to the wedding. Unless you were doing it backwards, you figured out how many people you would invite and then searched for a venue based on that number. Tell people you want to have a small wedding or you can only afford to have a small wedding, not the legal thing because if you really wanted them there you would have just picked a different venue.
posted by NHlove at 2:10 PM on April 7, 2010
Response by poster: OP here.
I cannot believe how badly I stated my question.
I must have...because most of these answers have so, SO misread what I asked.
For those who were polite and didn't call me tacky or cheap or versions of the above, I thank you.
For the rest of you: I just kinda skipped over those.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 7:52 PM on April 7, 2010
I cannot believe how badly I stated my question.
I must have...because most of these answers have so, SO misread what I asked.
For those who were polite and didn't call me tacky or cheap or versions of the above, I thank you.
For the rest of you: I just kinda skipped over those.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 7:52 PM on April 7, 2010
Please, feel free to rephrase it. I'm pretty sure I didn't miss the parts where you said you wanted gifts at a second wedding and that you'd prefer they took the form of cash or gift cards, though. Here, I'll point them out:
How can I suggest that we'd appreciate gift cards or cash for wedding gifts? It's a second marriage and we're both grown-ups.
If that last bit about grown-ups was you meaning to say you wanted cash because it's a second wedding and you don't feel like returning gifts that duplicate things you already have at home - I got it. It doesn't change my view that asking for any gifts at all at a second wedding is tacky.
So is whining that you might have to *gasp* return gifts people went out of their way and probably over budget to buy in the first place. And so is your by-the-by dismissal of those here who took time to answer your question and maybe save you some embarrassing "Jesus, how tacky" comments in real life, Mr Grown-Up. My congratulations to your ex.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:14 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
How can I suggest that we'd appreciate gift cards or cash for wedding gifts? It's a second marriage and we're both grown-ups.
If that last bit about grown-ups was you meaning to say you wanted cash because it's a second wedding and you don't feel like returning gifts that duplicate things you already have at home - I got it. It doesn't change my view that asking for any gifts at all at a second wedding is tacky.
So is whining that you might have to *gasp* return gifts people went out of their way and probably over budget to buy in the first place. And so is your by-the-by dismissal of those here who took time to answer your question and maybe save you some embarrassing "Jesus, how tacky" comments in real life, Mr Grown-Up. My congratulations to your ex.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:14 AM on April 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Well, I personally don't feel a big judgment about the post. I mostly worry that if you the OP totally dismiss the feedback you've gotten here, you may inadvertently offend some of your real life loved ones, which I'm sure you want to avoid!
Congratulations on getting married and good luck in figuring this out in a way that works best for everyone.
posted by serazin at 7:58 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Congratulations on getting married and good luck in figuring this out in a way that works best for everyone.
posted by serazin at 7:58 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
For the rest of you: I just kinda skipped over those.
I think you should really read them, paying particular attention to posters who (like serazin most recently) point out that you could be offending people pretty seriously. It's true that some individuals just get offended by certain lapses in traditional etiquette; if you simply disagree with that stance, read those posts and move on. But-- judging from your description only-- you are planning to do a combination of things that could end up leaving people not just offended, but upset and I daresay hurt. People take how you treat them with regard to your wedding as a very serious sign of how you feel about them and some of the things you propose to do will not soon be forgotten.
Please understand; I'm not talking about people being all Miss Manners on your ass. I'm talking about, just for instance, a family member who recently spoke to me with tears in his eyes because he'd been excluded from a certain wedding. Pretty much his whole branch of the family was cut out, and I'm sure it was for what seemed like logistical reasons, but that couple hurt at least the handful of people I happen to have heard from since, and those people will probably never think about them in quite the same way again. (I attended the wedding, some aspects of which which didn't improve my own opinion of this couple. Oh, and they were on in years, not getting married for the first time either.)
posted by BibiRose at 10:19 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think you should really read them, paying particular attention to posters who (like serazin most recently) point out that you could be offending people pretty seriously. It's true that some individuals just get offended by certain lapses in traditional etiquette; if you simply disagree with that stance, read those posts and move on. But-- judging from your description only-- you are planning to do a combination of things that could end up leaving people not just offended, but upset and I daresay hurt. People take how you treat them with regard to your wedding as a very serious sign of how you feel about them and some of the things you propose to do will not soon be forgotten.
Please understand; I'm not talking about people being all Miss Manners on your ass. I'm talking about, just for instance, a family member who recently spoke to me with tears in his eyes because he'd been excluded from a certain wedding. Pretty much his whole branch of the family was cut out, and I'm sure it was for what seemed like logistical reasons, but that couple hurt at least the handful of people I happen to have heard from since, and those people will probably never think about them in quite the same way again. (I attended the wedding, some aspects of which which didn't improve my own opinion of this couple. Oh, and they were on in years, not getting married for the first time either.)
posted by BibiRose at 10:19 AM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yeah, for the OP: I'd appreciate it if you WOULD rephrase, because I can't see any other way to read the question as written, and I'd like to give useful advice. I mean, I went to Real Live Charm School and everything, it would be great for it to be useful to someone.
posted by KathrynT at 10:41 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by KathrynT at 10:41 AM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I came in to post this:
As a recent bride (March 20 !) at a first wedding for both but we're early 40's/late 30's, we didn't need any THINGS, but money toward a honeymoon/house would've been great. So we just registered no-where. We didn't mention a registry or gifts anywhere on the invite or website. When people asked we said we had everything and their presence at our wedding was our present. I felt great about it because I always thought there wasn't much of a difference between listing a registry and asking for cash. It's a wedding. No cover required.
The upshot is that when people hear no gifts and know that you aren't fabulously wealthy, some give you gift cards or cash. And a few lovely gifts too!
But the attitude in your second post struck a note even more wrong than the wrong note your original post struck. You have a weird sense of gratitude.
posted by Jezebella at 7:08 PM on April 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
As a recent bride (March 20 !) at a first wedding for both but we're early 40's/late 30's, we didn't need any THINGS, but money toward a honeymoon/house would've been great. So we just registered no-where. We didn't mention a registry or gifts anywhere on the invite or website. When people asked we said we had everything and their presence at our wedding was our present. I felt great about it because I always thought there wasn't much of a difference between listing a registry and asking for cash. It's a wedding. No cover required.
The upshot is that when people hear no gifts and know that you aren't fabulously wealthy, some give you gift cards or cash. And a few lovely gifts too!
But the attitude in your second post struck a note even more wrong than the wrong note your original post struck. You have a weird sense of gratitude.
posted by Jezebella at 7:08 PM on April 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
Dear OP, I came off more judgmental than I wanted. But, maybe you would learn from reading the answers.
posted by theora55 at 10:51 AM on April 9, 2010
posted by theora55 at 10:51 AM on April 9, 2010
Best answer: On further thought: I am guessing you were aiming for some degree of humor in your first post; it didn't apparently register with most people, and that's why all the negative responses came as a surprise.
On a practical level, you don't really have much of a dilemma. To stick to traditional etiquette, about all you need to do is
1) Register with Amazon or wherever you can get those things you actually want. If people ask what you want, you can say gift cards if you feel comfortable doing that.
2) have a party that's larger than the wedding, but after the party and not presented in any way as a B-list pseudo-wedding.
This has all been suggested by various posters and is not much different from what you were planning anyway. Good luck and best wishes!
posted by BibiRose at 12:02 PM on April 9, 2010
On a practical level, you don't really have much of a dilemma. To stick to traditional etiquette, about all you need to do is
1) Register with Amazon or wherever you can get those things you actually want. If people ask what you want, you can say gift cards if you feel comfortable doing that.
2) have a party that's larger than the wedding, but after the party and not presented in any way as a B-list pseudo-wedding.
This has all been suggested by various posters and is not much different from what you were planning anyway. Good luck and best wishes!
posted by BibiRose at 12:02 PM on April 9, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Don't ask them for money or gift cards. Sorry, dude, you just can't.
posted by salmonking at 10:25 PM on April 6, 2010 [29 favorites]