How do I get over trust issues in a relationship?
April 6, 2010 5:24 PM Subscribe
How do I get over trust/anxiety issues in a new relationship, with an assist from email snooping?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in my late 20s and in my first relationship to last more than a month. My past relationships have mostly been with people I have been attracted to, but not connected with on a personal/emotional level. One of them was in a long-term relationship with another woman, who he didn't tell me about until we slept together, and two have made fun of me when I was in the room for not getting that they weren't "really" into me, and were actually dating or trying to date someone else.
I met my now-boyfriend about two years ago, when he was dating a friend of mine. I liked him pretty much right away, but tried to suppress it to be respectful of both of them and their relationship. They split up in October, and it later came out that he'd liked me since we met, too, and that was one of the things they had fought about when they were breaking up.
In November-December, he had an intense rebound relationship with a 21-year-old who'd just started hanging out in our social circle. I was out of town for most of it, so I didn't see it first-hand, but it was reportedly very close and intense, and she hurt him badly by dumping him for another friend of ours after saying she loved him and going through a pregnancy scare with him.
He and I got together in January, and it has been mostly wonderful. The only problem is my trust issues from my previous relationships, especially about the woman he had a rebound affair with. She hits the things I am insecure about from the times before when people have dumped me/made fun of me for thinking they wanted a relationship -- she is younger than I am, very thin, and dresses in a more trendy/funky/studenty way. (I like my own body and clothes, but hers are similar to the other women I've been thrown over for, if that makes sense.) I've talked about my trust/insecurity issues, both in general and about her specifically, to him, and he has been very reassuring and supportive. They are still friends, because she is still in our wider social group, but he doesn't see her in smaller groups much any more.
Today, I found he'd left himself logged into his email at my house, and (BAD DECISION ALERT) I went in and did a search for my name. I found an email exchange between them, back when he and I were getting together, referring to a time when they had been out drinking together and talking about me. He said something along the lines of, "Oh, don't mention what we said to anyone else, though, I really do like her, and I hate to think we have been laughing about her 'behind her back' or anything."
I know it's my own fault, but I can't get the picture of the two of them, making fun of me as close friends/recent ex-lovers out of my head. I already felt upset and insecure when I see her, because of my past issues and their previous intense closeness, but this has made it much worse. I love my boyfriend and I wish I could trust him and shut off the video of "boy goes out with trendy student girl, boy makes fun of me, boy dumps me for said girl" that keeps playing in my head.