Need hotter sex plz kthx!
April 5, 2010 5:49 AM Subscribe
I'm somewhat less than satisfied with my sex life. How do I talk to my girlfriend about this, without sounding critical or exacerbating her shyness (which is part of the problem)?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
(This will be fairly explicit. Just so you know.)
We've been having sex for about six months. She tells me all the time that she loves to have sex with me, wants to do it all the time, comes a lot when we do, and generally can't get enough of these biscuits. That's great!
But she is very submissive, passive, and shy. I don't mind playing the dominant role, but I literally have to do everything. She kisses back when I kiss her, but she never initiates a kiss (in or out of bed). I embrace her and stroke her and touch her (in bed), but she does not reciprocate. She will occasionally fondle my penis a little during foreplay, but it is infrequent and half-hearted. I always take off all of my clothes; I always take off all of her clothes. She lies there and receives. Rather than gradually heating up, foreplay often seems to be leading nowhere.
For a while I was having trouble, er, standing at attention—which puzzled me, because I'd never had that problem before. Finally, I realized it's because I'm not getting any foreplay, unless I ask for something specific. I've taken to asking her for fellatio to get me hard—which she does without complaint—but it's kind of a buzz kill to stop in the middle of awkward, one-sided foreplay and say "hey, can you please suck my dick for a couple of minutes so I can have sex with you?".
Also, she's very shy about her body. As a result, we've been mostly limited to missionary and (often at my prompting) cowgirl. Those are both fine positions, but they get boring after a while.
I've tried telling her what to do. I've tried just putting her hands, etc. where I want them. (She says she likes these things.) She's glad to give anything I ask for (which is appreciated), but I hate having to ask for everything—and there's never any enthusiasm behind her actions.
(On the other hand, she turns into an animal when she's receiving pleasure. She was dumbstruck when I showed her the dozen bite-shaped bruises she'd left on my chest one evening—she didn't remember doing it, and refused to believe it until I showed her.)
In general, we communicate well. She is aware that she is "shy" and "timid" in bed (her words), and we've talked about it a fair bit. (I haven't brought it up, but I talk openly and frankly about it when she does.) I've done my best to be patient and low-pressure, and to assure her that I'm enjoying sex with her (which is true, although my frustration is obviously growing). I've encouraged her and expressed appreciation when she does things I like. I've never pushed her to do anything she's not comfortable with; quite the contrary. I've gently communicated a couple of small things that I would like (e.g., if she would touch me more during foreplay), and she has been receptive—but so far hasn't actually done those things. I have been pretty GGG—she's said more than once that I spoil her (and I'm not complaining a bit; I enjoy doing it).
There is certainly more to our relationship than sex, and I hate to complain about this—because I adore her, and she is a total sweetheart to me, and otherwise things are pretty great. But, goddamn, I just want her to express some of the passionate feelings she keeps telling me about.
I know she wants to please me. I really want to respect her feelings and her boundaries. I don't expect her to start swinging from the chandelier overnight. I don't mind that she's on the shy side. But I gotta have something here.
How do I talk to her about this without making her anxieties worse? Is it even possible—or do I just have to accept that this (sweet, wonderful) girl might always be this way?