Sexual Hangups and the Long Distance Relationship
April 3, 2010 4:12 AM Subscribe
Long distance might be sweeping sexual hangups under the rug. How do I give myself an international reality check, or open up better (hotter?) lines of communication?
After a brief couple months together in the states, my partner and I are doing the long distance thing. We're studying abroad, but in staggered times, and after four months, I'm only just beginning my abroad adventure. Our connection is generally good, loving and balanced. Particularly at the beginning of SO's time abroad, and while I was home, all of the skyping and emailing let us be strong supports for one another at necessary times.
My sexual history is pretty typical, but with one neurotic, deep-seated aspect. I've always had a problem with not lasting long enough. Ever since I was 14 or so, I've fixated on this aspect of sexual performance and ballooned it into hardwired anxiety and negative association. I'd say in 2/3rds of my sexual experiences, whether masturbation or oral/vaginal sex, my sexuality feels like something other than myself, and a problem, and something I need to hide efficiently in pleasing the other person to the best of my ability or forgetting as soon as possible. It's not just about the climax, but when I am in this place, I feel entirely disassociated from my body, in a way that makes me lonely and frustrated. I maintain appearances and manage this to the best of my ability -- I've never been dumped for sexual performance, I have successful relationships that I usually break off abruptly. At this point, it's not so much a question of even caring to stopwatch-timed improve myself so much as just wanting to reclaim sexuality as part of me, something about myself that I can love, and not just some ugly, failing, external thing. I know that it has repercussions for the depth to which I connect with other people -- I think 'externalizing self-loathing' is something I've been guilty of, in the sense of making romantic messes.
So, back to the present. Now that I'm abroad, and there's excitement in the air and attractive strangers around, I realize that I've been beating down my sexual self rather than being friendly to it the past few months. My SO and I sometimes swap light sexual reference, but the most genuine excitement I've felt has been for an acquaintance back home, which I carefully managed, and now just being around strangers. Maybe these sound like two separate things, sexual commitment versus neurotic personal sexuality, but for me, it seems like making a Big Romantic Commitment is a little bit of a cop-out that keeps me out of the actual realm of having sex. I've tried talking about this a little bit with my SO, but it's tricky to explain how desire gets all tangled and complicated for me. It feels like sex isn't part of the equation at all right now, or if it shows up, it's phoned in. Not having it as a current aspect of our relationship both alleviates some of the guilt and frustration I feel and also intensifies it in my own, personal turf, even as I get some gusts of straight-up, biological, oh-hey-random-person sexual energy.
Whew, I'm sorry, I know that's a lot. My question is essentially: is there something I could do now, that I'm not currently doing, that would help me feel better about my sexuality? What can I expect from my SO? It's not like I'm going crazy right now, or that I'm especially stressed about my relationship. But I just have this sense that it's all built on a bad foundation. And that I need to be a little kinder to myself. My brother, voice of manly wisdom, tells me this relationship will be no good and to drop it. I'm not crazy crazy in love but this is definitely a good thing, and I would be remiss to squander it. Still, if there's something I need to do for myself, to get out of this sex-neurosis hole, I will do it, as that's something I live with every day of my life, and my SO and I aren't quite there yet.
After a brief couple months together in the states, my partner and I are doing the long distance thing. We're studying abroad, but in staggered times, and after four months, I'm only just beginning my abroad adventure. Our connection is generally good, loving and balanced. Particularly at the beginning of SO's time abroad, and while I was home, all of the skyping and emailing let us be strong supports for one another at necessary times.
My sexual history is pretty typical, but with one neurotic, deep-seated aspect. I've always had a problem with not lasting long enough. Ever since I was 14 or so, I've fixated on this aspect of sexual performance and ballooned it into hardwired anxiety and negative association. I'd say in 2/3rds of my sexual experiences, whether masturbation or oral/vaginal sex, my sexuality feels like something other than myself, and a problem, and something I need to hide efficiently in pleasing the other person to the best of my ability or forgetting as soon as possible. It's not just about the climax, but when I am in this place, I feel entirely disassociated from my body, in a way that makes me lonely and frustrated. I maintain appearances and manage this to the best of my ability -- I've never been dumped for sexual performance, I have successful relationships that I usually break off abruptly. At this point, it's not so much a question of even caring to stopwatch-timed improve myself so much as just wanting to reclaim sexuality as part of me, something about myself that I can love, and not just some ugly, failing, external thing. I know that it has repercussions for the depth to which I connect with other people -- I think 'externalizing self-loathing' is something I've been guilty of, in the sense of making romantic messes.
So, back to the present. Now that I'm abroad, and there's excitement in the air and attractive strangers around, I realize that I've been beating down my sexual self rather than being friendly to it the past few months. My SO and I sometimes swap light sexual reference, but the most genuine excitement I've felt has been for an acquaintance back home, which I carefully managed, and now just being around strangers. Maybe these sound like two separate things, sexual commitment versus neurotic personal sexuality, but for me, it seems like making a Big Romantic Commitment is a little bit of a cop-out that keeps me out of the actual realm of having sex. I've tried talking about this a little bit with my SO, but it's tricky to explain how desire gets all tangled and complicated for me. It feels like sex isn't part of the equation at all right now, or if it shows up, it's phoned in. Not having it as a current aspect of our relationship both alleviates some of the guilt and frustration I feel and also intensifies it in my own, personal turf, even as I get some gusts of straight-up, biological, oh-hey-random-person sexual energy.
Whew, I'm sorry, I know that's a lot. My question is essentially: is there something I could do now, that I'm not currently doing, that would help me feel better about my sexuality? What can I expect from my SO? It's not like I'm going crazy right now, or that I'm especially stressed about my relationship. But I just have this sense that it's all built on a bad foundation. And that I need to be a little kinder to myself. My brother, voice of manly wisdom, tells me this relationship will be no good and to drop it. I'm not crazy crazy in love but this is definitely a good thing, and I would be remiss to squander it. Still, if there's something I need to do for myself, to get out of this sex-neurosis hole, I will do it, as that's something I live with every day of my life, and my SO and I aren't quite there yet.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
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Break up and flirt away if you must, but have the courage to do it without an insurance policy, and the hurt feelings in someone else that would accompany it.
posted by smoke at 5:05 AM on April 3, 2010