Collegedorkfilter: He's acting like he's in love with me, and I feel the same, but he seems to have another girl. What do I do? Nerdy ass literary references, awkward silences, and lots of hot-wild cuddling action ensue!
posted by cheberet to human relations (41 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Long time listener, first time caller. I am in the midst of a college Romantic Situation and would like some advice.
Me: 21 years old, aspirant writer/new media geek, has done a lot of solo international travel, very independent, outgoing, eccentric, very into all manner of geeky-ass literary and history subjects. I was a loser of the profoundest variety in highschool and really thrived in college, albeit with a bunch of mental issues related to being a type A grades whore. Am finally sane and relaxed for the first time in a long while during my last semester of college. Am finally at a point where I might be able to be with someone. Sexually: have slept with a (small) number of guys in foreign countries, haven't been with the same person in four years, or had a boyfriend in that space.
This may or may not be relevant, but I am generally considered very physically attractive. Tiny, blonde, daily gym habit, outgoing and friendly, male conversation ends when I walk into the room, asked to do modeling stuff before (have decline), am usually pursued by two or three guys at any given time, you get the idea. This is all very weird to me as I was Queen of the Dorks in high school, but I suppose I should put it out there. I'm pretty insecure about my appearance and attractiveness to men but try to hide it since, well, no one wants to hear that.
Him: Year and a half younger then me. Super smart, very literary minded, a bit arrogant, has a sweet, giving side that appeals to me a lot, very witty and dry-humored, very physically attractive to me. Really gets me - we can talk and read together until five AM without noticing the time has passed, we love to ride our bikes together, cook together, et all. Young, arrogant (especially about his writing) and needs to do a lot of growing up....very socially awkward (and not entirely aware of this), not interested in many social niceties. We bicker with each other constantly in that highly enjoyable flirtatious way. He likes strong, confident women, and has noted (approvingly) that I'm "the only woman who can push me around." Which seems to be true. He seems to admire me a lot: he raves about my writing, talks about my travel adventures, stuff like that.
Situation: We met early in the semester, noted the other was attractive, and did nothing about it: I thought he was still wrapped up in his ex (a very good friend of mine, but this actually is not awkward), he was attempting to pursue another girl. We get to know each other a little better, and I decide to do nothing as I figure he's into another girl and I don't wish to complicate matters. In December, we finally sleep together after hanging out at a party - I have to initiate the kiss but he reciprocates big-time. We end up hanging at his house until late afternoon, cooking, having sex, and talking.
Winter break comes. We text a bit. I come back and decide to make a move on him: his ex/my friend indicates he had a good time with me, she thinks we'd be good for each other, he's fairly passive and she says I need to do something - and he's been flirting with me a lot. I come onto him and kiss him. He returns the kiss, pauses for six minutes, finally mumbles, "Um, so there's this other girl." Apparantly he had "deflowered" the other girl the night before. AWKWARD.
I gave him a measured but clear lecture on how he'd led me on a bit, and how I wasn't sure I could be his friend, et all. For the next few weeks, I do my best to cold shoulder him and ignore him.
Then he comes on back. He invites himself to my parties, he finds me on campus, he won't let me cut him out of his life. I begin to relax despite my better judgment. We end up hanging out together. We end up hanging out together one on one. We discover we have a ton in common and have a great time together. The other girl is never, ever mentioned or discussed. I hear through the grapevine he finds her uninteresting and would like to date someone who's more of an equal. He apparently talks about how awesome I am a lot to other people. We hug a lot but are very self conscious about physically touching one another.
Two weekends ago, the other girl is going away for the weekend. We end up spending three days straight together - crashing at one another's houses, staying up all night reading, talking, and cooking. There's a lot of talk from him about how I'm his favorite person here, all the party he needs is me and him, I'm the smartest person he knows, how awesome I am, how he could forget "other girl's name" and just hang out with me. He writes a (good) poem about me. Our friends notice we spent all weekend together and begin making side comments. We finally end up cuddling together. She comes back on Sunday but he spends that evening cooking and snuggling up to me. Okay.
The relationship with the other girl is very strange looking. They never touch each other or talk to each other much, or talk about one another. She follows him around social gatherings, while he attempts to avoid her. He takes pains to ensure she and I aren't in the same room or ever interacting together- like I haven't noticed. He will lie by omission to me about "having" to go see her or talk to her.
When he talks to me, it's like she doesn't exist. She's very sweet, retiring, socially awkward, quiet, and innocent, and although I'm certain she knows what's going on between us, I doubt she'll ever do anything to call him out. She is not a member of our group of friends, and none of our (very tight) group know much about her. In the super rare event of the three of us being in the same room, he often follows me around or talks mostly to me, ignoring her. This is, needless to say, shitty behavior. (They ran into me at a coffee shop a week ago, we all sat together, they didn't talk or look at each other for two and a half hours while he talked to me normally. WEIRD.)
Many of our friends are perennially unsure if they are actually together. He's mentioned (to people not myself, of course) "not wanting to be tied to one woman before" and has mentioned how his semi-relationship with her is very casual. I feel terrible for her, but some of my mutual friends think she's being a pushover and needs to woman up and dump him. Hem.
Fast forward to now. We're basically best friends. Whenever we're alone together or making dinner together (which we do often) we have a great rapport. We have a habit now of sitting down on a couch and inching closer and closer together, eventually feverishly cuddling up to one another/falling asleep in one another's arms/stroking one another's hair. I have made no moves to kiss him as I am unsure of his relationship with the other girl, and generally don't know how he'd react. He hasn't either, but damn, do I ever think we both would like to. He keeps on inviting me to crash on his couch after our late-night one on on one study marathons and I keep on declining.
Our group of friends has been getting into some stuff he and I don't approve of (hard drugs, scary drama, don't need to go into detail) and we've been very much relying on one another for company and support in our literary and dorky pursuits. (We spend a LOT of time in the library). He's mentioned on a few occasions that I'm one of four people he cares about or finds interesting - the other girl's name is very obviously left off that list. He talks seriously about coming to find me overseas next year, how he'd like to buy the library and live in it with me, talks about all sorts of future plans with me, is planning to stay for the summer so he can hang out with me all the time. Around me, he acts very much like a guy who's in love with me: staring at me, sitting close to me, staring into my eyes, hanging on my every word, pillow-talk like banter, et all. We call each other "babe" and "darling" when we're alone.
What do I want? I'm not sure.
I'm leaving the country at the end of the summer. I am, unfortunately, a little bit in love with him and haven't felt this way about a man in a year and a half. I am one of those poor SOB's who is attracted to almost no one, and so finding another guy is an unlikely occurrence. Maybe I'd like a brief, passionate, and highly literary fling with this guy that would probably involve flinging volumes of Browning at one another, followed by enjoyable sex and lots of cooking. I would like to have sex with someone more then once, you know?
He's treating the other girl very badly, and as many of our friends have noticed, I'm the only one who can cut him down to size (which he totally needs). I would not want a serious relationship with him due to his crap behavior of late and because of my own impending departure, but on the other hand, I think we could have a pretty enjoyable (and intense) fling. He spends more time with me then the other girl, and is behaving rather like my no-sex involved boyfriend. Our friends have noticed we talk about one another and behave as if we are dating one another, and often note that they thought we'd inevitably end up together.
Do I ditch him? Do I hang out with him less, despite the fact that he's one of my dearest friends? Do I call him out and demand he make a choice? I am afraid to do this as the rejection last time really hurt, and well....I HATE drama. I am also afraid that if we DID get together, he'd REALLY fall in love with me and that would be all kinds of messy.
Is there any possibility this is all platonic, or am I nuts? Admittedly, 20 year old guys having platonic snuggling/cuddling relationships with attractive girls they've slept with before...uh. I haven't had someone to snuggle with in four years and I will admit that I am REALLY enjoying finally having that in my life.
I'm actually semi-content with things as they are, but this probably is not a healthy situation by any means, and it's not fair to the other girl either. So, hive mind: have at it and thank you very much in advance.