Misery, in need of company
March 18, 2010 7:49 AM Subscribe
How do I break someone's heart?
(I'm sorry for the length, I'll try to keep it reasonable)
I’ve been dating an amazing girl for almost five years. We met in our freshman year of college and we’ve lived together for almost three years. We love each other, are close to each other’s families, and have been together long enough that most people expect us to get married soon. Overall we have a very comfortable life together and share most of the same interests and hobbies, and we almost never fight or have any serious conflicts. I’ve had a few doubts about the nature of our relationship (this has been her first serious long-term relationship and sometimes I get the feeling that she is with me out of comfort more than emotion, or that her feelings are disproportionately affected by her need for comfort), but I love her and have been happy with the trajectory of our life together.
Two weeks ago my best friend (who I’ve been close to since the third grade) tearfully confessed that she was in love with me. She stated that she has felt this way since we were kids and has never found the right time to act upon her feelings, and has only told me this now because after a recent life-threatening medical situation she made a promise to herself to be a more open person. She made it clear that she understands that I’m in a relationship her intentions weren’t to break us apart; she merely needed to make her feelings known as she couldn’t hold them in any longer.
This has completely shattered my entire frame of mind. I’ve been in love with her for just as long, and like her I never managed to get the courage mustered or the timing right. For all these years I had no idea she felt the same way as I do, and I’d managed to push my feelings into some deep recess in the back of my head. I’ve never loved anyone more than I’ve loved her, and now these feelings have rushed back into the foreground.
Considering these emotions, there is no way I can stay in my current relationship. I’ve felt such guilt and such unimaginable confusion over the past two weeks that I can’t possibly continue on as is. Had any other person in my life told me that they were in love with me, even if I felt the same way, it would not have had this kind of profound effect. It would not be fair to my girlfriend whatsoever to continue our relationship; I can’t put these deep-rooted emotions back in the bottle, and short of removing my friend from my life entirely I don’t think I have the willpower to continue on as if nothing happened. I’m just going to put everything out in the open and hope the sky falls with kindness.
Any advice that can be given would be immensely appreciated. I have so few people aside from my direct family that I can talk to about this who are both close enough to help but removed enough to be unaffected by my decision. I’ve never broken up with someone before (I’ve only been dumped or had things fall apart mutually) and I know this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In the past even a non-serious mention of breaking up has been enough to hurt her, and I’m terrified of what I’m so close to doing.
(Anonymous as I have a lot of friends on metafilter. If anyone wants to message me directly they can email it to crossroads.askmetafilter@gmail.com. Thank you so much.)
(I'm sorry for the length, I'll try to keep it reasonable)
I’ve been dating an amazing girl for almost five years. We met in our freshman year of college and we’ve lived together for almost three years. We love each other, are close to each other’s families, and have been together long enough that most people expect us to get married soon. Overall we have a very comfortable life together and share most of the same interests and hobbies, and we almost never fight or have any serious conflicts. I’ve had a few doubts about the nature of our relationship (this has been her first serious long-term relationship and sometimes I get the feeling that she is with me out of comfort more than emotion, or that her feelings are disproportionately affected by her need for comfort), but I love her and have been happy with the trajectory of our life together.
Two weeks ago my best friend (who I’ve been close to since the third grade) tearfully confessed that she was in love with me. She stated that she has felt this way since we were kids and has never found the right time to act upon her feelings, and has only told me this now because after a recent life-threatening medical situation she made a promise to herself to be a more open person. She made it clear that she understands that I’m in a relationship her intentions weren’t to break us apart; she merely needed to make her feelings known as she couldn’t hold them in any longer.
This has completely shattered my entire frame of mind. I’ve been in love with her for just as long, and like her I never managed to get the courage mustered or the timing right. For all these years I had no idea she felt the same way as I do, and I’d managed to push my feelings into some deep recess in the back of my head. I’ve never loved anyone more than I’ve loved her, and now these feelings have rushed back into the foreground.
Considering these emotions, there is no way I can stay in my current relationship. I’ve felt such guilt and such unimaginable confusion over the past two weeks that I can’t possibly continue on as is. Had any other person in my life told me that they were in love with me, even if I felt the same way, it would not have had this kind of profound effect. It would not be fair to my girlfriend whatsoever to continue our relationship; I can’t put these deep-rooted emotions back in the bottle, and short of removing my friend from my life entirely I don’t think I have the willpower to continue on as if nothing happened. I’m just going to put everything out in the open and hope the sky falls with kindness.
Any advice that can be given would be immensely appreciated. I have so few people aside from my direct family that I can talk to about this who are both close enough to help but removed enough to be unaffected by my decision. I’ve never broken up with someone before (I’ve only been dumped or had things fall apart mutually) and I know this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In the past even a non-serious mention of breaking up has been enough to hurt her, and I’m terrified of what I’m so close to doing.
(Anonymous as I have a lot of friends on metafilter. If anyone wants to message me directly they can email it to crossroads.askmetafilter@gmail.com. Thank you so much.)
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
Oh, dear. I really don't see this ending well, for any of you. My true advice would be to stay with your current girlfriend, because the odds of your new/old relationship with best friend working out are very low. Things change when you change the nature of the relationship.
But I get the feeling that nothing anyone says will stop you from trying it out, so I will say be kind, don't burn any bridges, and if it all goes down in flames, remember that this too, shall pass.
Also, keep in mind that this:
"I love her and have been happy with the trajectory of our life together."
...is what all of us* hope for, and is more than a lot of people ever find.
I wish you luck, though, and minimal pain for each of you.
*with the gender of one's choosing, of course.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:08 AM on March 18, 2010 [10 favorites]
But I get the feeling that nothing anyone says will stop you from trying it out, so I will say be kind, don't burn any bridges, and if it all goes down in flames, remember that this too, shall pass.
Also, keep in mind that this:
"I love her and have been happy with the trajectory of our life together."
...is what all of us* hope for, and is more than a lot of people ever find.
I wish you luck, though, and minimal pain for each of you.
*with the gender of one's choosing, of course.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:08 AM on March 18, 2010 [10 favorites]
I’ve never broken up with someone before (I’ve only been dumped or had things fall apart mutually) and I know this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In the past even a non-serious mention of breaking up has been enough to hurt her, and I’m terrified of what I’m so close to doing.
Be honest, open and empathetic. You're following your heart and unfortunately, that's not the same direction your partner's heart is heading. Do the best job you can to explain why the relationship is over without being needlessly hurtful, but understand you can't save her from pain. A relationship this long, especially one where the partners seem headed towards the long-term, is going to absolutely crush someone if it's over.
Recognize that as a necessary evil, but be strong in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing. Once you've done the deed, respect the boundaries that she puts up, don't allow her to encroach too far into yours (i.e, calling you several times a day to try to get back together, etc.) and give it some time before you get into a relationship with your best friend. Even though you know she's the right one, you and your existing partner need to grieve what you've lost before you can start something else.
Be kind, but be firm. That's the best advice I ever got when it came to breaking things off.
posted by Hiker at 8:09 AM on March 18, 2010
Be honest, open and empathetic. You're following your heart and unfortunately, that's not the same direction your partner's heart is heading. Do the best job you can to explain why the relationship is over without being needlessly hurtful, but understand you can't save her from pain. A relationship this long, especially one where the partners seem headed towards the long-term, is going to absolutely crush someone if it's over.
Recognize that as a necessary evil, but be strong in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing. Once you've done the deed, respect the boundaries that she puts up, don't allow her to encroach too far into yours (i.e, calling you several times a day to try to get back together, etc.) and give it some time before you get into a relationship with your best friend. Even though you know she's the right one, you and your existing partner need to grieve what you've lost before you can start something else.
Be kind, but be firm. That's the best advice I ever got when it came to breaking things off.
posted by Hiker at 8:09 AM on March 18, 2010
Infatuation should not trump a stable, long-term relationship. A crush is based on fantasy - what could be. You HAVE a long term relationship with someone you love. After five years, it might not be butterflies-in-your-stomach love, but I would argue you have something better.
posted by Brodiggitty at 8:11 AM on March 18, 2010 [20 favorites]
posted by Brodiggitty at 8:11 AM on March 18, 2010 [20 favorites]
How do I break someone's heart?
Be gentle and honest; and expect that it will not be well-received.
As you describe it, your relationship with your girlfriend is awesome. The potential relationship with your best friend is exciting, and therefore extremely alluring. It's also an unknown entity. There's every possibility that you'll end your awesome relationship with your girlfriend to start this new thing, and it will not be what you hoped.
There is, though, a third (nth?) option. If I may be a Polyamory Proselytizer for a moment, I'll point you toward the book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. It is possible (though improbable, yes) that you and your girlfriend could figure out a way to keep your relationship intact, and give you the option to explore the potential with your best friend. It's also possible, of course, that bringing up this option will be extremely messy and bad and relationship-ending, but it sort of looks like it's heading there anyway if you break it off.
I know open relationships are widely stigmatized, and that IANY, &c. &c.; but I am in a fantastic and strong now-four-year open relationship that began in monogamy. This is not to toot my own horn, but to say that I do know that this is not completely impossible.
That being said, before you do anything, remember just how damn alluring all new relationships seem at the beginning. How exciting and sexy and lusty and full of stomach-butterflies and shiny happy thoughts. Almost invariably, those feelings do fade, but in their place can be a deep and abiding connection that I daresay should be called "love". If you have that with your current girlfriend, sir or ma'am, think long and hard and then longer and harder about ending it. Or it will certainly be more than just her heart you end up breaking.
posted by davidjmcgee at 8:16 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Be gentle and honest; and expect that it will not be well-received.
As you describe it, your relationship with your girlfriend is awesome. The potential relationship with your best friend is exciting, and therefore extremely alluring. It's also an unknown entity. There's every possibility that you'll end your awesome relationship with your girlfriend to start this new thing, and it will not be what you hoped.
There is, though, a third (nth?) option. If I may be a Polyamory Proselytizer for a moment, I'll point you toward the book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. It is possible (though improbable, yes) that you and your girlfriend could figure out a way to keep your relationship intact, and give you the option to explore the potential with your best friend. It's also possible, of course, that bringing up this option will be extremely messy and bad and relationship-ending, but it sort of looks like it's heading there anyway if you break it off.
I know open relationships are widely stigmatized, and that IANY, &c. &c.; but I am in a fantastic and strong now-four-year open relationship that began in monogamy. This is not to toot my own horn, but to say that I do know that this is not completely impossible.
That being said, before you do anything, remember just how damn alluring all new relationships seem at the beginning. How exciting and sexy and lusty and full of stomach-butterflies and shiny happy thoughts. Almost invariably, those feelings do fade, but in their place can be a deep and abiding connection that I daresay should be called "love". If you have that with your current girlfriend, sir or ma'am, think long and hard and then longer and harder about ending it. Or it will certainly be more than just her heart you end up breaking.
posted by davidjmcgee at 8:16 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Consider this: even though the infatuation/love is wholly mutual, you will have built it atop of the shambles that your current relationship will become if you do break up with your girlfriend. I would say that's not a very good start to a relationship. You'd be guilty with the idea that you broke your ex's heart, your new girlfriend would be guilty with the idea that she broke you two apart (and I do think it's selfish to profess love like this after so long when the object of infatuation is in a committed, long term relationship; however, I realize no one's a saint).
If you really do want to try for it...be very, very careful. And be kind to your girlfriend: direct, open, empathetic; she's done nothing wrong. Neither have you.
Best of luck.
posted by Hakaisha at 8:21 AM on March 18, 2010
If you really do want to try for it...be very, very careful. And be kind to your girlfriend: direct, open, empathetic; she's done nothing wrong. Neither have you.
Best of luck.
posted by Hakaisha at 8:21 AM on March 18, 2010
I agree with everyone saying not to do it. You're on the verge of losing something great and trading it for something that may or may not be great.
I will say, that if you decide to go through with it anyway... please have the heart not to kick your girlfriend out of the house. I don't know what your current living arrangement is but if at all possible, you should move out, not her. After being unexpectedly dumped, the last thing she needs is to have to find a new home too.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:22 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
I will say, that if you decide to go through with it anyway... please have the heart not to kick your girlfriend out of the house. I don't know what your current living arrangement is but if at all possible, you should move out, not her. After being unexpectedly dumped, the last thing she needs is to have to find a new home too.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:22 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Stop making assumptions about other people's motives--do not, under any circumstances, mention to your current girlfriend that she should be ok with the break-up because "really, you're just with me because it's comfortable." If you want to end it, say so as clearly yet compassionately as you can to your current girlfriend--don't make it about how this is a good thing for her. It will be hard. She will be hurt. You cannot do anything to make her feel better about it.
That said, your post is full of extraneous information: "I've been with my girlfriend for five years and have concluded that, although she's a great person and I care about her, I need to break up with her; what do I say?" is very different from "I've been with my girlfriend for five years, and it's great, but really I think she's just with me because it's comfortable and it's her first relationship, and now my best friend--who I've been in love with for forever--says she's in love with me, and so now I need to break up with my current girlfriend, but how?" I mean, ultimately breaking up is breaking up, but it sounds like you want approval to break up under these circumstances as if your best friend's revelation has forced your hand. It hasn't.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:31 AM on March 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
That said, your post is full of extraneous information: "I've been with my girlfriend for five years and have concluded that, although she's a great person and I care about her, I need to break up with her; what do I say?" is very different from "I've been with my girlfriend for five years, and it's great, but really I think she's just with me because it's comfortable and it's her first relationship, and now my best friend--who I've been in love with for forever--says she's in love with me, and so now I need to break up with my current girlfriend, but how?" I mean, ultimately breaking up is breaking up, but it sounds like you want approval to break up under these circumstances as if your best friend's revelation has forced your hand. It hasn't.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:31 AM on March 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
Whilst I would say this is generally a terrible Idea; This is similar how my wife and I got together, many wonderful years ago.
However I've also had this same drama play out in utter and complete failure.
You do have to accept that your girlfriend will have a free pass to hate you forever and there is nothing you can really do about that.
This is a situation where you can't worry about right or wrong or what you ought to do. The train is off the rails here and one or both of these relationships is going to end, you have to decide what you want and commit your efforts to one course.
posted by French Fry at 8:32 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
However I've also had this same drama play out in utter and complete failure.
You do have to accept that your girlfriend will have a free pass to hate you forever and there is nothing you can really do about that.
This is a situation where you can't worry about right or wrong or what you ought to do. The train is off the rails here and one or both of these relationships is going to end, you have to decide what you want and commit your efforts to one course.
posted by French Fry at 8:32 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you break up with current girlfriend, don't do it to be with best friend, do it because you realize you no longer want to be with current girlfriend. Those are two completely different things.
Your new relationship is just as fragile as any other. Yes, there is a big tragically romantic story behind it, but you could easily start dating best friend and find out you're not actually right for each other. That doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, so long as you're truly breaking up with current girlfriend because that relationship doesn't work.
And don't bet on getting back with current girlfriend if things with best friend don't work out.
posted by sallybrown at 8:33 AM on March 18, 2010 [22 favorites]
Your new relationship is just as fragile as any other. Yes, there is a big tragically romantic story behind it, but you could easily start dating best friend and find out you're not actually right for each other. That doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, so long as you're truly breaking up with current girlfriend because that relationship doesn't work.
And don't bet on getting back with current girlfriend if things with best friend don't work out.
posted by sallybrown at 8:33 AM on March 18, 2010 [22 favorites]
Why don’t you start by having an open conversation with your girlfriend? Let her know this happened, explain how it’s been making you feel, and be open to where things go from there. Personally, I would far prefer to have my SO be honest and let me know what’s going on and let me be a part of the discussion on where the relationship goes than just being dumped without knowing the real issues. Plus having the conversation with her might give you a whole new perspective on the situation.
You did state that you’ve been in love with your friend for years, but even still you fell in love with and started a life with your current girlfriend. So have your feelings really changed one way or the other or is it just the excitement of possibility that is now making you think of leaving someone with whom you have a good life? Just something to consider.
posted by Palmcorder Yajna at 8:41 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
You did state that you’ve been in love with your friend for years, but even still you fell in love with and started a life with your current girlfriend. So have your feelings really changed one way or the other or is it just the excitement of possibility that is now making you think of leaving someone with whom you have a good life? Just something to consider.
posted by Palmcorder Yajna at 8:41 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're still pretty young (if you went to college at the usual age). You've been in a committed relationship for pretty much all your adult life. Maybe some time being single would be good. How about this: if you want to break up with the current person, do so. Then take at least a few months being single. If your friend is really interested in you as a partner, she will still be around. Or, who knows, you may get back together with the first person. But really experience being single for a whille.
posted by BibiRose at 8:42 AM on March 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 8:42 AM on March 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
You should only marry someone who you *really, really* want to be with forever, to the exclusion of all others. You obviously don't feel that way about your current girlfriend if this friend/potential gf of your can throw you so off-kilter.
So, despite all of these people telling you not to end your Good Thing with Current Girlfriend, I'm here to tell you that if you can imagine breaking up with her and being happier than you are now, it's already over.
Plus, I'm of the mind that there are multiple potential partners for any one person. Both you and she will find other "matches"--even if this whole best-friend-from-3rd-grade thing doesn't work out.
Like The Winsome Parker Lewis says, give your current girlfriend every possible consideration during this breakup, which will, as you know, totally wreck her.
posted by tk at 8:45 AM on March 18, 2010 [8 favorites]
So, despite all of these people telling you not to end your Good Thing with Current Girlfriend, I'm here to tell you that if you can imagine breaking up with her and being happier than you are now, it's already over.
Plus, I'm of the mind that there are multiple potential partners for any one person. Both you and she will find other "matches"--even if this whole best-friend-from-3rd-grade thing doesn't work out.
Like The Winsome Parker Lewis says, give your current girlfriend every possible consideration during this breakup, which will, as you know, totally wreck her.
posted by tk at 8:45 AM on March 18, 2010 [8 favorites]
I realize the above doesn't answer your original question. If you're going to break up, you still have that to contend with. There's scads of good breakup advice on askmefi.
posted by BibiRose at 8:45 AM on March 18, 2010
posted by BibiRose at 8:45 AM on March 18, 2010
Don't do anything yet. Wait for two or three weeks more weeks, until the shock of being told this has passed, and think carefully about what you want to do. You sound like you are caught in a very emotional moment, and you need to make sure that your response is not something made in the moment too--eventually this feeling will fade too. Your current girlfriend sounds like she's worth at least thinking about rationally before you pull the plug on the relationship. I'm only guessing at this, but how serious was this medical condition your friend had and how much of a role is it playing in your decision making?
While you're waiting, think about whether or not your best friend is as compatible with your life goals as your current girlfriend, as well thought of in your family, and as similar to you in interests and hobbies. If you're satisfied with your answers to these questions, then you've also had time to get emotionally ready to break this relationship off. Two more weeks is nothing.
posted by _cave at 8:46 AM on March 18, 2010 [13 favorites]
While you're waiting, think about whether or not your best friend is as compatible with your life goals as your current girlfriend, as well thought of in your family, and as similar to you in interests and hobbies. If you're satisfied with your answers to these questions, then you've also had time to get emotionally ready to break this relationship off. Two more weeks is nothing.
posted by _cave at 8:46 AM on March 18, 2010 [13 favorites]
Give yourself at least four more weeks before you do *anything*. You are in friggin' shock, your emotional world has been upended, and you need time to adjust before any decisions are made.
You have a lot to lose here any direction you take it, and a month of personal discomfort now will go a very very long way towards helping you choose the right path for the long term.
How do I break someone's heart?
Directly and with no BS. "This is what I feel, and this is what I am planning to do." It's important to be sure of both of those before you say that, obviously.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:53 AM on March 18, 2010
You have a lot to lose here any direction you take it, and a month of personal discomfort now will go a very very long way towards helping you choose the right path for the long term.
How do I break someone's heart?
Directly and with no BS. "This is what I feel, and this is what I am planning to do." It's important to be sure of both of those before you say that, obviously.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:53 AM on March 18, 2010
Wow. I wonder how people can be so confident in predicting an unhappy future for you, while at the same time seeming to have totally skimmed your question. (OP is not talking about a "crush" or an "infatuation" but a long-term relationship with a best friend. Also, how the hell does any of us know that she is going to break his heart?)
Hiker's advice is good: be kind, clear, firm, respectful. Above all, avoid the temptation to try and caretake your former partner through the breakup. You can't break up together; she will have to find her own way forward.
Also, don't get too swirled up in the operatic drama of it all. Yes it's a shock; yes it hurts; but breaking up happens for most people several times in life, and it holds the potential for blessings as well as pain.
Both of you are going to create this experience by your choices, attitudes, and behaviors. It only has to be a horrible traumatic long-term mess if you both choose to play it that way.
posted by ottereroticist at 8:56 AM on March 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
Hiker's advice is good: be kind, clear, firm, respectful. Above all, avoid the temptation to try and caretake your former partner through the breakup. You can't break up together; she will have to find her own way forward.
Also, don't get too swirled up in the operatic drama of it all. Yes it's a shock; yes it hurts; but breaking up happens for most people several times in life, and it holds the potential for blessings as well as pain.
Both of you are going to create this experience by your choices, attitudes, and behaviors. It only has to be a horrible traumatic long-term mess if you both choose to play it that way.
posted by ottereroticist at 8:56 AM on March 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
You seem to blame your girlfriend for staying with you out of convenience and comfort. Why were you with your girlfriend if you were in love with someone else?
If you are in love with someone else, you've wasted 5 years of your girlfriend's dating life. (And 5 good ones - college!) Expect her to be hurt when you break up with her and pissed later.
How do you break up with her? You tell her and then you get the hell out of her life. You aren't friends. You don't cuddle up to her family and friends. You make yourself gone. Do this for her, because she needs time to get over the break up and anger and get on with her life. Don't think that you can come back to your girlfriend if things don't work out with the other girl. Your current girlfriend deserves a clean break.
posted by 26.2 at 8:56 AM on March 18, 2010 [13 favorites]
If you are in love with someone else, you've wasted 5 years of your girlfriend's dating life. (And 5 good ones - college!) Expect her to be hurt when you break up with her and pissed later.
How do you break up with her? You tell her and then you get the hell out of her life. You aren't friends. You don't cuddle up to her family and friends. You make yourself gone. Do this for her, because she needs time to get over the break up and anger and get on with her life. Don't think that you can come back to your girlfriend if things don't work out with the other girl. Your current girlfriend deserves a clean break.
posted by 26.2 at 8:56 AM on March 18, 2010 [13 favorites]
Lots of good advice here. All I can add is that you may want to prepare yourself for the real possibility that the best friend will not find you nearly as attractive after you dump the girlfriend and make yourself fully available for her. Many people find potential energy more attractive than the kinetic kind, and a young adult who has just gone through a life-threatening crisis might not be thinking as clearly as usual. Of course it's very romantic to think that a medical scare will shake us out of our torpor and illuminate the true path and meaning of our lives like it does for people in movies, but it's at least equally possible that a person in that position is just frazzled and frightened and feeling (understandably) a pronounced need for security and care.
Also, do you think it's possible that you may be projecting on your girlfriend the casual attitude about your relationship that you perhaps wish that she had, at least at this time, so as to assuage your feelings of guilt?
posted by applemeat at 8:58 AM on March 18, 2010 [16 favorites]
Also, do you think it's possible that you may be projecting on your girlfriend the casual attitude about your relationship that you perhaps wish that she had, at least at this time, so as to assuage your feelings of guilt?
posted by applemeat at 8:58 AM on March 18, 2010 [16 favorites]
Before you get moving on breaking up with your current girlfriend, ask yourself how you'll feel if getting together with your new flame turns out to be a disaster and you find yourself alone in a few weeks, or few months, or in a year. Will you feel that a) the now current girlfriend and you weren't right for each other and your break up was inevitable regardless of the circumstances? Or b) will you feel like you sacrificed something good for nothing?
This is one of those situations that could go either way, and none of us can really know what your best move is. But I'd say if you don't feel as though you would feel like a) would be your take on the matter, stay put.
posted by orange swan at 9:00 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is one of those situations that could go either way, and none of us can really know what your best move is. But I'd say if you don't feel as though you would feel like a) would be your take on the matter, stay put.
posted by orange swan at 9:00 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Being the dumper is notoriously tricky, even in the most casual of situations. You, however, are pretty much screwed. I have to say, though, that if my best friend with whom I've been in love since grade school declared his undying love for me, I'd be in the same spot as you right now. So, ignoring whether or not whatever will work out with whoever, I have a few suggestions to keep from being the asshole ex boyfriend.
First, give yourself at least two more weeks to think things over. Anybody in a committed relationship can have second thoughts when confronted with a lifelong fantasy, but give it a whole month and you will at least have had time to see if thoughts of life without your current girlfriend persist over the course of normal living. Don't force yourself to act happy or have sex or whatever you don't want to do, but be sure that the current girlfriend knows it's got nothing to do with her. She'll undoubtedly try to figure out what's up, so by the time you start in on The Talk she'll have braced herself.
Try your damned best not to inconvenience your girlfriend in any way except emotionally. You're hurting her, and while it hurts you too, you're the one taking initiative so you have to accept that it's your fault. That's okay. Life is messy. But you need to be the one moving out. You need to help make sure your girlfriend can pay rent until she can move or find a roommate. Do you share a car? Share grocery bills? Figure out, ahead of time, how to split things up so that she's left with everything that she needs, except for a boyfriend. Then, when she gets angry and irrational and refuses to accept your logical plans to split things up equitably, you need to be prepared to adjust the plan accordingly. Basically, take stock of your life together and figure out a bunch of different ways to excise yourself cleanly.
The actual breaking up will take a while. Have the honest talk that lays everything out clearly from your perspective. Ask her how she feels about everything. She could refuse to speak, she could sob for a day, she could run away to a friend's house. Don't leave things hanging for more than a day, but still give her space. Have somewhere that you can go to, if she tells you to get out of the house, and tell her where you'll be so she can find you. Let her know that you would be breaking up with her regardless of the other woman, and make sure that's true in your heart before you start figuring out any of the rest of this stuff.
Socially, you share friends, activity partners, places of business that you frequent, right? Well, say goodbye to most of them, for a good long while. It is extremely rare the young broken up couple that can keep the same social groups and habits they have before the split without extremely awkward consequences for everyone involved. Expect people to take sides. Don't play games with anybody, be gracious and accept invitations if you're asked out to places, but don't be surprised if you're shunned, at least for a couple of months, especially if you start dating the best friend right away. Remember, this will all be your fault, even if the girlfriend isn't satisfied or whatever you've rationalized for now, so you'll have to quietly take whatever she dishes out to you. At the same time, don't martyr yourself. Contradiction after contradiction! But seriously, let yourself be sad. Let yourself work through the emotions. Don't bottle them up. You'll be mourning the end of a relationship.
If she's rational and logical and pleasant about the entire situation, count your lucky stars. If she wants to be friends, go for it, but don't try to be friends right away, instead make sure she realizes that you're leaving and will be deliberately keeping out of her way for a while, for everyone's peace of mind. If she tries to get back together with you in the next few days, weeks or months, be absolutely certain that you're going to say no to her. Otherwise, you'll not only be hurting the both of you again, but also your other friend, as the catalyst for this whole thing, will be hurt too. Sorry.
posted by Mizu at 9:17 AM on March 18, 2010 [7 favorites]
First, give yourself at least two more weeks to think things over. Anybody in a committed relationship can have second thoughts when confronted with a lifelong fantasy, but give it a whole month and you will at least have had time to see if thoughts of life without your current girlfriend persist over the course of normal living. Don't force yourself to act happy or have sex or whatever you don't want to do, but be sure that the current girlfriend knows it's got nothing to do with her. She'll undoubtedly try to figure out what's up, so by the time you start in on The Talk she'll have braced herself.
Try your damned best not to inconvenience your girlfriend in any way except emotionally. You're hurting her, and while it hurts you too, you're the one taking initiative so you have to accept that it's your fault. That's okay. Life is messy. But you need to be the one moving out. You need to help make sure your girlfriend can pay rent until she can move or find a roommate. Do you share a car? Share grocery bills? Figure out, ahead of time, how to split things up so that she's left with everything that she needs, except for a boyfriend. Then, when she gets angry and irrational and refuses to accept your logical plans to split things up equitably, you need to be prepared to adjust the plan accordingly. Basically, take stock of your life together and figure out a bunch of different ways to excise yourself cleanly.
The actual breaking up will take a while. Have the honest talk that lays everything out clearly from your perspective. Ask her how she feels about everything. She could refuse to speak, she could sob for a day, she could run away to a friend's house. Don't leave things hanging for more than a day, but still give her space. Have somewhere that you can go to, if she tells you to get out of the house, and tell her where you'll be so she can find you. Let her know that you would be breaking up with her regardless of the other woman, and make sure that's true in your heart before you start figuring out any of the rest of this stuff.
Socially, you share friends, activity partners, places of business that you frequent, right? Well, say goodbye to most of them, for a good long while. It is extremely rare the young broken up couple that can keep the same social groups and habits they have before the split without extremely awkward consequences for everyone involved. Expect people to take sides. Don't play games with anybody, be gracious and accept invitations if you're asked out to places, but don't be surprised if you're shunned, at least for a couple of months, especially if you start dating the best friend right away. Remember, this will all be your fault, even if the girlfriend isn't satisfied or whatever you've rationalized for now, so you'll have to quietly take whatever she dishes out to you. At the same time, don't martyr yourself. Contradiction after contradiction! But seriously, let yourself be sad. Let yourself work through the emotions. Don't bottle them up. You'll be mourning the end of a relationship.
If she's rational and logical and pleasant about the entire situation, count your lucky stars. If she wants to be friends, go for it, but don't try to be friends right away, instead make sure she realizes that you're leaving and will be deliberately keeping out of her way for a while, for everyone's peace of mind. If she tries to get back together with you in the next few days, weeks or months, be absolutely certain that you're going to say no to her. Otherwise, you'll not only be hurting the both of you again, but also your other friend, as the catalyst for this whole thing, will be hurt too. Sorry.
posted by Mizu at 9:17 AM on March 18, 2010 [7 favorites]
I've done it. Exactly the same situation 10 years ago. The shock of breaking up with my long-term partner led to a four month emotional meltdown. Picked myself up, went to the girl I believed was "the one". In that time she'd move on and figured out that she just "wanted what she couldn't have". Three months later tried to get my first girlfriend back, and she - rightly - said no.
Moral of the story: there are deeper and more complex forces at play than true love.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2010 [10 favorites]
Moral of the story: there are deeper and more complex forces at play than true love.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2010 [10 favorites]
Life is not a romcom. The way you framed your question sounds like the plot of a movie where the hero discovers his true love in the waning moments of the movie, escapes his comfortable-and-safe-but-passionless-or-otherwise-wrong existing relationship, and falls into the arms of the bestfriend/sidekick woman he loved all along.
IMO, you break up with your girlfriend IF AND WHEN the relationship doesn't work. Not because the grass is suddenly greener elsewhere. I've got news for you: In the long race of life, the grass will FREQUENTLY be greener where you aren't. People with successful, long-term relationships make a commitment to someone "for better or for worse" because in any long-term relationship, there is a "for worse." That's true of your parents, your children, your partner, your friends, your job, etc. If your modus operandi in life is to jump ship to something that looks better whenever you get to the "for worse" part, you will spend your life chasing rainbows but tasting bitterness because it never quite works out.
You're HAPPY in your current relationship, you identify very few problems with it, almost all of which are minor, normal bumps. There is nothing in your post to indicate you want to break up because of PROBLEMS with your girlfriend -- only because of your desire to chase something "better."
Sometimes it does work out, as a couple posters have pointed out, but FAR more often I see people in good relationships destroy that relationship to chase something "better" -- only to do it over and over and over, and then wonder sorrowfully why they can't find a "good" relationship. They're constantly attempting to "trade up" (whether that's a superficial trading up for looks and status, or whether that's a trading up for more passion/love/connection -- which I think is in some ways just as superficial because it's typically very self-centered and self-focused rather than other-centered and other-focused, which is probably why they never find ENOUGH of it in their relationships).
I think you have two sequential questions that you're trying to turn into one concurrent question: First, do you break up with your girlfriend? That is ENTIRELY about the relationship you have with her, now. AFTER you break up with your girlfriend, and you can't guarantee what happens during that break-up, IF your best friend is still available, IF she is still interested now that you're not unavailable (because many of us do fix our crushes and affections on people who are unavailable and therefore safe), IF her feelings haven't changed now that she's past the emotional status of her medical crisis, IF you aren't too broken-hearted yourself, THEN you ask yourself if you want to be with the best friend.
I also find it slightly worrisome that two people who are SOOOOOOO close to each other as you and your best friend managed to spend two decades or so madly in love with each other but NEVER COMMUNICATED THIS DESPITE YOUR CLOSENESS, even through the awkward, bad-decisiony teenaged years. If it were me, that would give me pause ... you obviously don't communicate very well.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:40 AM on March 18, 2010 [26 favorites]
IMO, you break up with your girlfriend IF AND WHEN the relationship doesn't work. Not because the grass is suddenly greener elsewhere. I've got news for you: In the long race of life, the grass will FREQUENTLY be greener where you aren't. People with successful, long-term relationships make a commitment to someone "for better or for worse" because in any long-term relationship, there is a "for worse." That's true of your parents, your children, your partner, your friends, your job, etc. If your modus operandi in life is to jump ship to something that looks better whenever you get to the "for worse" part, you will spend your life chasing rainbows but tasting bitterness because it never quite works out.
You're HAPPY in your current relationship, you identify very few problems with it, almost all of which are minor, normal bumps. There is nothing in your post to indicate you want to break up because of PROBLEMS with your girlfriend -- only because of your desire to chase something "better."
Sometimes it does work out, as a couple posters have pointed out, but FAR more often I see people in good relationships destroy that relationship to chase something "better" -- only to do it over and over and over, and then wonder sorrowfully why they can't find a "good" relationship. They're constantly attempting to "trade up" (whether that's a superficial trading up for looks and status, or whether that's a trading up for more passion/love/connection -- which I think is in some ways just as superficial because it's typically very self-centered and self-focused rather than other-centered and other-focused, which is probably why they never find ENOUGH of it in their relationships).
I think you have two sequential questions that you're trying to turn into one concurrent question: First, do you break up with your girlfriend? That is ENTIRELY about the relationship you have with her, now. AFTER you break up with your girlfriend, and you can't guarantee what happens during that break-up, IF your best friend is still available, IF she is still interested now that you're not unavailable (because many of us do fix our crushes and affections on people who are unavailable and therefore safe), IF her feelings haven't changed now that she's past the emotional status of her medical crisis, IF you aren't too broken-hearted yourself, THEN you ask yourself if you want to be with the best friend.
I also find it slightly worrisome that two people who are SOOOOOOO close to each other as you and your best friend managed to spend two decades or so madly in love with each other but NEVER COMMUNICATED THIS DESPITE YOUR CLOSENESS, even through the awkward, bad-decisiony teenaged years. If it were me, that would give me pause ... you obviously don't communicate very well.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:40 AM on March 18, 2010 [26 favorites]
You sound a lot like me and my ex-boyfriend that I started dating in college, except I didn't dump him for anyone else. I dumped him because I was bored in the relationship and I didn't feel I could provide him the sort of emotional support he needed. It sounds like you feel the same way. Although you recognize that she is a great girl deserving of a great relationship, your heart just isn't in it. It sounds to me like that issue and the best-friend-love issue are completely different things.
Truly, if you've never loved anyone more than you've loved your best friend, girlfriend included, it's not fair at all to your current girlfriend for you to stay with her. She deserves better, even if she doesn't know that. But you're not going to try to convince her of that; you're going to hurt the hell out of her. No way around it. Give her time and give her a clean break, you move out of the house, etc. Don't tell her you're dumping her for someone else, because really you aren't.
It won't be easy at all - when I dumped my ex, I cried all day and then I missed him for a while. But it was the right thing to do, and now, a few years later, he's happy with someone else, and so am I.
posted by wondermouse at 9:42 AM on March 18, 2010
Truly, if you've never loved anyone more than you've loved your best friend, girlfriend included, it's not fair at all to your current girlfriend for you to stay with her. She deserves better, even if she doesn't know that. But you're not going to try to convince her of that; you're going to hurt the hell out of her. No way around it. Give her time and give her a clean break, you move out of the house, etc. Don't tell her you're dumping her for someone else, because really you aren't.
It won't be easy at all - when I dumped my ex, I cried all day and then I missed him for a while. But it was the right thing to do, and now, a few years later, he's happy with someone else, and so am I.
posted by wondermouse at 9:42 AM on March 18, 2010
There is, though, a third (nth?) option. If I may be a Polyamory Proselytizer for a moment, I'll point you toward the book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. It is possible (though improbable, yes) that you and your girlfriend could figure out a way to keep your relationship intact, and give you the option to explore the potential with your best friend.
Just wanted to quickly say-- if you end up doing this, please don't do it just to keep your current gf around as an option while you see if things with the other girl work out. And if you can tell that your current gf only agrees to it just to desperately keep you around somehow, I don't think that would be very nice either.
I think this is a good idea only if everyone is genuinely enthused about it.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:54 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just wanted to quickly say-- if you end up doing this, please don't do it just to keep your current gf around as an option while you see if things with the other girl work out. And if you can tell that your current gf only agrees to it just to desperately keep you around somehow, I don't think that would be very nice either.
I think this is a good idea only if everyone is genuinely enthused about it.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:54 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Considering these emotions, there is no way I can stay in my current relationship.
this is not a fact. You mean to say you strongly do not want to stay in your current relationship. You, in fact, could stay in your relationship if you wanted to. Literally there is no one forcing you to do anything. The fact that you feel an emotion doesn't mean you are compelled to act upon it.
Now ask the question of yourself again.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:01 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
this is not a fact. You mean to say you strongly do not want to stay in your current relationship. You, in fact, could stay in your relationship if you wanted to. Literally there is no one forcing you to do anything. The fact that you feel an emotion doesn't mean you are compelled to act upon it.
Now ask the question of yourself again.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:01 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Whoah there, big fella.
Right now, you and your longtime friend are in the OMG!!1! stage, and you're both still all woozy and drunk with emotion.
This feeling will pass. Just lie down or sit down and put your head between your knees.
This is NOT the time to be breaking up with anyone, period.
Let this sucker cool down, keep it to yourself and don't, for C'thulhu's sake tell your current girlfriend or encourage your friend any further.
What's that saying "This, too, shall pass"?
This woozy feeling will pass, and you can think it through calmly and with concern and empathy for all concerned.
Your current girlfriend might not be The One, but this is not the time to preemptively pull the trigger just because you're feeling a little OMG!1!!
posted by willmize at 10:02 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Right now, you and your longtime friend are in the OMG!!1! stage, and you're both still all woozy and drunk with emotion.
This feeling will pass. Just lie down or sit down and put your head between your knees.
This is NOT the time to be breaking up with anyone, period.
Let this sucker cool down, keep it to yourself and don't, for C'thulhu's sake tell your current girlfriend or encourage your friend any further.
What's that saying "This, too, shall pass"?
This woozy feeling will pass, and you can think it through calmly and with concern and empathy for all concerned.
Your current girlfriend might not be The One, but this is not the time to preemptively pull the trigger just because you're feeling a little OMG!1!!
posted by willmize at 10:02 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Eyebrows McGee wrote....
I also find it slightly worrisome that two people who are SOOOOOOO close to each other as you and your best friend managed to spend two decades or so madly in love with each other but NEVER COMMUNICATED THIS DESPITE YOUR CLOSENESS, even through the awkward, bad-decisiony teenaged years.
This sets off big alarm bells for me too. If the hormones didn't drag it out of you I have serious concerns about your sexual compatibility.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:03 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
I also find it slightly worrisome that two people who are SOOOOOOO close to each other as you and your best friend managed to spend two decades or so madly in love with each other but NEVER COMMUNICATED THIS DESPITE YOUR CLOSENESS, even through the awkward, bad-decisiony teenaged years.
This sets off big alarm bells for me too. If the hormones didn't drag it out of you I have serious concerns about your sexual compatibility.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:03 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Would you be dumping your current girlfriend in this hadn't come up? Are you thinking that she might dump you eventually because she is in it for comfort and may find something more electric down the road?
You need to read this thread 3 times, and then take the longest walk EVAR. After returning, read this thread again, and take the second longest walk EVAR.
You'll know what to do after that.
posted by jasondigitized at 10:26 AM on March 18, 2010
You need to read this thread 3 times, and then take the longest walk EVAR. After returning, read this thread again, and take the second longest walk EVAR.
You'll know what to do after that.
posted by jasondigitized at 10:26 AM on March 18, 2010
One question you really need to ask yourself is if you'd rather be with no one than in your current relationship. If you break up with your girlfriend and, for whatever reason, things with your best friend don't work out, you can't depend on this girl being there to take you back with open arms. If she did, she would probably never trust you again. You should plan on giving yourself a decent-length break between relationships rather than jumping into another one right away, give your head a chance to clear, and see how you would feel about that. And take jasondigitized's advice about taking a really long walk, and then another one.
posted by wondermouse at 10:27 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wondermouse at 10:27 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't. Happiness you have is better than any you can imagine.
posted by scruss at 10:43 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by scruss at 10:43 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't know if you should be with your newly revealed love, but you should still break things off with the current girlfriend. It doesn't sound like you're really in love with her, just comfortable. You both deserve the opportunity to meet and marry people you're really in love with and who are really in love with you back. Don't just plod along and get married out of inertia, spending the rest of your lives feeling half-alive.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:48 AM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 10:48 AM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
You're about to make a mistake. Please give yourself more time before you do something. You're emotional and thinking you have to do something right now, but you don't. Why do you think you must do something only two weeks out? Is she going to recind her confession if you don't act now? Is she going to date someone else? Is she going to give up? None of that sounds like sustained love it would need to for this to make sense.
If your friend is really in love with you, has been for over a decade and really truly wants to be with you, she'll wait another month. Both of you should be able to calm down and still feel in love if this is real.
And it's probably not real. She said what she said out of an emotional trauma and her words aren't truer than the decade-plus of nothing happening. I could let crushes slide, but if I was honestly in love, I couldn't do nothing for that long. Even if I thought my feelings weren't mutal, I'd at least hint at my feelings.
Clear your head, maybe go on a trip.
posted by spaltavian at 10:59 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
If your friend is really in love with you, has been for over a decade and really truly wants to be with you, she'll wait another month. Both of you should be able to calm down and still feel in love if this is real.
And it's probably not real. She said what she said out of an emotional trauma and her words aren't truer than the decade-plus of nothing happening. I could let crushes slide, but if I was honestly in love, I couldn't do nothing for that long. Even if I thought my feelings weren't mutal, I'd at least hint at my feelings.
Clear your head, maybe go on a trip.
posted by spaltavian at 10:59 AM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why don’t you start by having an open conversation with your girlfriend? Let her know this happened, explain how it’s been making you feel, and be open to where things go from there. Personally, I would far prefer to have my SO be honest and let me know what’s going on and let me be a part of the discussion on where the relationship goes than just being dumped without knowing the real issues.
This seems like a terrible idea, because, let's be honest, your current girlfriend has no say in whether you will stay with her or not ... so "letting her be part of the discussion" seems to send a signal that she has some say in the matter, which is a cruel thing to convey to someone who really has no say in it. Why invite her to be "part of the discussion" when her wishes don't mean shit?
posted by jayder at 11:03 AM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
This seems like a terrible idea, because, let's be honest, your current girlfriend has no say in whether you will stay with her or not ... so "letting her be part of the discussion" seems to send a signal that she has some say in the matter, which is a cruel thing to convey to someone who really has no say in it. Why invite her to be "part of the discussion" when her wishes don't mean shit?
posted by jayder at 11:03 AM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
after a recent life-threatening medical situation she made a promise to herself to be a more open person
Shes going through something, be careful.
posted by MiffyCLB at 11:26 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Shes going through something, be careful.
posted by MiffyCLB at 11:26 AM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Two weeks ago my best friend (who I’ve been close to since the third grade) tearfully confessed that she was in love with me. She stated that she has felt this way since we were kids and has never found the right time to act upon her feelings, and has only told me this now because after a recent life-threatening medical situation she made a promise to herself to be a more open person.
This sounds pretty dramatic. But you might as well breakup with your gf, tell her the entire truth (she will definitely not like you at all but she deserves to know that you think you're in love with someone else so she can meet someone who will really love her), and you and the new girl can have your relationship (which, I predict will crash and burn due to how dramatic it sounds already, but that's life).
Good luck.
posted by anniecat at 11:33 AM on March 18, 2010
This sounds pretty dramatic. But you might as well breakup with your gf, tell her the entire truth (she will definitely not like you at all but she deserves to know that you think you're in love with someone else so she can meet someone who will really love her), and you and the new girl can have your relationship (which, I predict will crash and burn due to how dramatic it sounds already, but that's life).
Good luck.
posted by anniecat at 11:33 AM on March 18, 2010
I had a similar confession from the girl next door when I was dating someone else. I always liked the girl next door a lot too, but had never acted on it. I stayed with the girl was dating. We've been married 25 years.
I think if I had gone with the girl next door, we would have had romanticized, fantasized impressions of each other and it wouldn't have worked out.
That's my experience.
posted by Doohickie at 11:37 AM on March 18, 2010
I think if I had gone with the girl next door, we would have had romanticized, fantasized impressions of each other and it wouldn't have worked out.
That's my experience.
posted by Doohickie at 11:37 AM on March 18, 2010
One of the most useful things I've ever heard anyone say is "just because you have an emotion doesn't mean you have to act on it."
posted by MsMolly at 11:38 AM on March 18, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 11:38 AM on March 18, 2010 [10 favorites]
Just...don't. I agree, your "best friend" was being selfish when she decided to be "open" with you. Dating her would not necessarily be what you're imagining. I, once, had a "best friend" confess his feelings to me when I was going through a somewhat confusing time. It caught me off guard, and I ended up dating him. Turns out, he was every bit as selfish in a relationship as he was when he confessed his feelings to me. EVERYTHING was about him. We had a horrible relationship, and have not spoken since the break-up. This is an area where you need to tread very carefully, and DON'T make your decisions based on emotion. Use your head here. Don't leave your current relationship. You may very well regret it.
posted by I_love_the_rain at 11:51 AM on March 18, 2010
posted by I_love_the_rain at 11:51 AM on March 18, 2010
Considering these emotions, there is no way I can stay in my current relationship.
I agree with this, and disagree with everyone who disagrees with it.
But, I think the reason not to stay in the current relationship is only because you know your best friend is in love with you.
I think it's wrong period to be in a relationship with an unwitting person who doesn't know how you really feel, when you're more in love with your best friend, no matter how the best friend feels about it.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:53 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree with this, and disagree with everyone who disagrees with it.
But, I think the reason not to stay in the current relationship is only because you know your best friend is in love with you.
I think it's wrong period to be in a relationship with an unwitting person who doesn't know how you really feel, when you're more in love with your best friend, no matter how the best friend feels about it.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:53 AM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Assume you stay with your GF, and eventually marry her.
Will it always gnaw at you that there might have been "something better" out there? Or in your eyes is your GF awesome enough that that "something better" just won't matter?
The words comfortable and trajectory to describe a relationship are strange, and never fighting is also strange - every couple fights. My $.02.
posted by nyc_consultant at 12:52 PM on March 18, 2010
Will it always gnaw at you that there might have been "something better" out there? Or in your eyes is your GF awesome enough that that "something better" just won't matter?
The words comfortable and trajectory to describe a relationship are strange, and never fighting is also strange - every couple fights. My $.02.
posted by nyc_consultant at 12:52 PM on March 18, 2010
We love each other, are close to each other’s families, and have been together long enough that most people expect us to get married soon. Overall we have a very comfortable life together and share most of the same interests and hobbies, and we almost never fight or have any serious conflicts. I’ve had a few doubts about the nature of our relationship (this has been her first serious long-term relationship and sometimes I get the feeling that she is with me out of comfort more than emotion, or that her feelings are disproportionately affected by her need for comfort), but I love her and have been happy with the trajectory of our life together.
You're going to do what you're going to do, and likely, as other folks say, you'll regret it in whole or in part. I hope you don't, I hope you end up really happy, just like in Some Kind of Wonderful, but, you know, John Hughes is dead.
I'd like to point out something different, however. Love is not a "pure" emotion. Indeed, no emotions are pure. Loving someone because you feel comfortable and secure with them is not somehow less loving than loving someone who excites you every day. It doesn't feel different, it doesn't look different, it isn't different. There may be things that make you love someone more or less, but those things don't inform you of the true and pure nature of love, they inform you of the nature of love for you. People love for all kinds of reasons, people get from love all kinds of things. All of those reasons are good reasons, all of those things are good things. If you have a respectful, loving, committed, and mutually beneficial relationship with your partner it doesn't matter at all why she is loving, committed, respectful, and working for your mutual welfare. It just matters that she is.
In other words, we are all strange beasts in our innermost lives, and the reasons for our wants and desires are nowhere near as important as the way we treat the people around us.
This has little bearing on whether you leave her or not, your decision about that is one for your conscience. But there may come a time in a future relationship, maybe even the next one you're in, where you start to second guess the reason for your good fortune (because, let's face it, having a good, loving relationship is GREAT fortune), and you can maybe stop yourself and just think about how good you have it instead.
posted by OmieWise at 1:06 PM on March 18, 2010 [9 favorites]
You're going to do what you're going to do, and likely, as other folks say, you'll regret it in whole or in part. I hope you don't, I hope you end up really happy, just like in Some Kind of Wonderful, but, you know, John Hughes is dead.
I'd like to point out something different, however. Love is not a "pure" emotion. Indeed, no emotions are pure. Loving someone because you feel comfortable and secure with them is not somehow less loving than loving someone who excites you every day. It doesn't feel different, it doesn't look different, it isn't different. There may be things that make you love someone more or less, but those things don't inform you of the true and pure nature of love, they inform you of the nature of love for you. People love for all kinds of reasons, people get from love all kinds of things. All of those reasons are good reasons, all of those things are good things. If you have a respectful, loving, committed, and mutually beneficial relationship with your partner it doesn't matter at all why she is loving, committed, respectful, and working for your mutual welfare. It just matters that she is.
In other words, we are all strange beasts in our innermost lives, and the reasons for our wants and desires are nowhere near as important as the way we treat the people around us.
This has little bearing on whether you leave her or not, your decision about that is one for your conscience. But there may come a time in a future relationship, maybe even the next one you're in, where you start to second guess the reason for your good fortune (because, let's face it, having a good, loving relationship is GREAT fortune), and you can maybe stop yourself and just think about how good you have it instead.
posted by OmieWise at 1:06 PM on March 18, 2010 [9 favorites]
Why have you not yet gotten engaged to your current girlfriend? You've been together for five years yet not taken the next step. Why?
The answer to that question may tell you everything you need to know about your current relationship regardless of the other potential relationship.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:10 PM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
The answer to that question may tell you everything you need to know about your current relationship regardless of the other potential relationship.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:10 PM on March 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it is to be done, it best be done quickly.
posted by jadepearl at 2:06 PM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by jadepearl at 2:06 PM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
How to break up nicely with someone who is really nice:
- do it on a Friday after she comes home from work (if she works), not on a Sunday night after midnight so she'll be up all night crying and have to call in sick.
- sit down with her and just tell her, don't tell her in the morning you would like to tell her something after work because that just really sucks and builds up tension.
- tell her first, before anyone else. Do not call her friends in advance and tell them she may need a shoulder to cry on, that is just rude.
- don't share unnecessary detail, just say it isn't working out and it isn't her fault.
- be firm that you don't think there is a way to work things out, you have thought about that a lot.
- be ready to leave right away, know where you luggage is so you can throw all clothes and important personal items in it quick.
- don't get all fussy about taking half the bedding, half the towels etc. Just buy yourself new ones.
- don't go into finances, who keeps what etc right away. Give her some time to cry and think and email her after 2 days asking how she would like to split any remaining credit cards, bills, etc.
- do not go anywhere she might go for at least 3 months. Make sure you don't turn up at any parties where she will be. Do not socialize with her friends and family.
- do say you would like to be friends, but that it is a good idea to put some distance between you two for now, so maybe in 6 months or so you could hang out, but not now.
posted by meepmeow at 2:49 PM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
- do it on a Friday after she comes home from work (if she works), not on a Sunday night after midnight so she'll be up all night crying and have to call in sick.
- sit down with her and just tell her, don't tell her in the morning you would like to tell her something after work because that just really sucks and builds up tension.
- tell her first, before anyone else. Do not call her friends in advance and tell them she may need a shoulder to cry on, that is just rude.
- don't share unnecessary detail, just say it isn't working out and it isn't her fault.
- be firm that you don't think there is a way to work things out, you have thought about that a lot.
- be ready to leave right away, know where you luggage is so you can throw all clothes and important personal items in it quick.
- don't get all fussy about taking half the bedding, half the towels etc. Just buy yourself new ones.
- don't go into finances, who keeps what etc right away. Give her some time to cry and think and email her after 2 days asking how she would like to split any remaining credit cards, bills, etc.
- do not go anywhere she might go for at least 3 months. Make sure you don't turn up at any parties where she will be. Do not socialize with her friends and family.
- do say you would like to be friends, but that it is a good idea to put some distance between you two for now, so maybe in 6 months or so you could hang out, but not now.
posted by meepmeow at 2:49 PM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
Why is everyone so against this? He's in his early 20's and doesn't seem to know what he wants. Spending your youth in a long term relationship only ends badly no matter what. If it wasn't this best friend, it would be something else. You have to know what's out there before you can appreciate what you have.
I say go for, get your heartbroken or not, be single for a while if thats possible and see what's out there..be young.
posted by mattsweaters at 2:58 PM on March 18, 2010
I say go for, get your heartbroken or not, be single for a while if thats possible and see what's out there..be young.
posted by mattsweaters at 2:58 PM on March 18, 2010
As others have noted, your "best friend" is incredibly selfish. Who does that to someone in a committed long-term relationship?
We have this bizarre confessional culture, where we believe that getting stuff of our chests to the person who is the subject of our emotion is the panacea for our life's troubles. Of course communication and discussion and revealing and workshopping things and talking about them with people in our life is vitally important, but not every. single. time. we have an emotion we can't handle. (I'm not shaking a finger at everyone but me, I've been guilty of the same thing :\ )
I want to ask "what was she hoping to achieve?" but clearly she's got what she wanted because her "revelation" has you questioning a whole lot of stuff you had previously taken for granted.
posted by prettypretty at 3:15 PM on March 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
We have this bizarre confessional culture, where we believe that getting stuff of our chests to the person who is the subject of our emotion is the panacea for our life's troubles. Of course communication and discussion and revealing and workshopping things and talking about them with people in our life is vitally important, but not every. single. time. we have an emotion we can't handle. (I'm not shaking a finger at everyone but me, I've been guilty of the same thing :\ )
I want to ask "what was she hoping to achieve?" but clearly she's got what she wanted because her "revelation" has you questioning a whole lot of stuff you had previously taken for granted.
posted by prettypretty at 3:15 PM on March 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
(whoa, I did a whole lot of ranting, but not a whole lot of answering the question!)
I agree with others who've suggested you wait a bit, let the emotions simmer down a bit and then make a decision. But I think that involves not seeing your current situation as "intolerable" but really taking a step back and trying to make an honest assessment (always easier said than done, I know).
posted by prettypretty at 3:18 PM on March 18, 2010
I agree with others who've suggested you wait a bit, let the emotions simmer down a bit and then make a decision. But I think that involves not seeing your current situation as "intolerable" but really taking a step back and trying to make an honest assessment (always easier said than done, I know).
posted by prettypretty at 3:18 PM on March 18, 2010
Like a bandaid, once you've completed decided (and I echo those who advise reconsidering things on your own before saying anything), just tell her what's happening quickly, directly and honestly. Do not use stupid clichés like 'follow your heart' or 'explore this'. Just explain how you feel in 5 sentences or less and leave.
And then get everything together to get your butt out her house (or, if she wants to move out, to make it easier for her to move) as quickly as possible. The broken-up-but-still-living-together period is the hardest of all. I also like the Friday night advice that meepmeow has: want to know what it's like going to a job interview the day after being dumped? Not fun.
Also, keep in mind that even if you might still want to be friends, she might not want to talk to you again. That's really her right - don't be pushy about continuing the friendship if she doesn't want to happen.
posted by Kurichina at 3:54 PM on March 18, 2010
And then get everything together to get your butt out her house (or, if she wants to move out, to make it easier for her to move) as quickly as possible. The broken-up-but-still-living-together period is the hardest of all. I also like the Friday night advice that meepmeow has: want to know what it's like going to a job interview the day after being dumped? Not fun.
Also, keep in mind that even if you might still want to be friends, she might not want to talk to you again. That's really her right - don't be pushy about continuing the friendship if she doesn't want to happen.
posted by Kurichina at 3:54 PM on March 18, 2010
" Spending your youth in a long term relationship only ends badly no matter what."
Demonstrably false.
posted by DWRoelands at 4:09 PM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
Demonstrably false.
posted by DWRoelands at 4:09 PM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'm going to disagree with the majority here and say - if you really feel this strongly, you owe it to yourself to check it out. (Though I'd give it a little more time to make sure you're not just caught up in someone else's hormones.)
I was once in a similar situation when someone I deeply loved broke up with me and then regretted the decision later, when I was deeply in love with and committed to someone else. I'm ruining a beautiful love story by giving it to you in a nutshell, but in the interest of time: I told my current partner everything I was feeling, explaining why I was so torn. She told me that she knew I'd always regret it if I didn't get to the bottom of my feelings - and let me go to explore them. I did, and realized without a doubt that my current partner was the one for me - and she still is, 7 years, 3 kids and not a single regret later.
You may not be lucky enough to have a girlfriend who is secure enough to let you go to see if you'll come back. Maybe she'll let you explore how you feel with your friend while keeping the door open for you to come back if you want, maybe she won't. But either way, I think being honest about what's going on is the right thing to do. If the ties between you and your friend are as strong as you say they are, I think you'll always regret it if you don't. And while your girlfriend may be deeply hurt by the break-up now (though you seem to doubt that's the case), I think she'd be much more deeply hurt by finding out years down the line that you've actually been in love with someone else the whole time - particularly someone she thinks is your platonic friend.
The ending of a relationship is painful, but it's deception that shatters your heart, your self-esteem, and your joy.
Good luck.
posted by widdershins at 4:21 PM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was once in a similar situation when someone I deeply loved broke up with me and then regretted the decision later, when I was deeply in love with and committed to someone else. I'm ruining a beautiful love story by giving it to you in a nutshell, but in the interest of time: I told my current partner everything I was feeling, explaining why I was so torn. She told me that she knew I'd always regret it if I didn't get to the bottom of my feelings - and let me go to explore them. I did, and realized without a doubt that my current partner was the one for me - and she still is, 7 years, 3 kids and not a single regret later.
You may not be lucky enough to have a girlfriend who is secure enough to let you go to see if you'll come back. Maybe she'll let you explore how you feel with your friend while keeping the door open for you to come back if you want, maybe she won't. But either way, I think being honest about what's going on is the right thing to do. If the ties between you and your friend are as strong as you say they are, I think you'll always regret it if you don't. And while your girlfriend may be deeply hurt by the break-up now (though you seem to doubt that's the case), I think she'd be much more deeply hurt by finding out years down the line that you've actually been in love with someone else the whole time - particularly someone she thinks is your platonic friend.
The ending of a relationship is painful, but it's deception that shatters your heart, your self-esteem, and your joy.
Good luck.
posted by widdershins at 4:21 PM on March 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think comfort is really an under-rated commodity. I love comfortable couches, comfortable beds. I love feeling comfortable, I love knowing that I'm making someone else feel comfortable. I love being comforted. I love comfort food and drink, comfortable feelings with friends and colleagues, feeling comfortable in myself. Being comfortable in terms of wealth, status etc. I really value comfort, in relationships and otherwise. I could never be in a relationship where I didn't
*labored metaphors ahead*
Now you're just a wee little sprat, and the hard thing about being a wee sprat is figuring out what you actually value in a relationship, and where that quality sits in the continuum of how much of it you can reasonably expect. Also, I think, when you're younger, you kinda feel like relationships should be a lot of fireworks, and then you feel guilty for feeling that, and then you just don't know how many fireworks are appropriate. Fireworks are dangerous; you don't even know if you're qualified to handle them or not. They look so spectacular but all that noise and fury can be tiring after a while, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that every relationship has some fireworks, but sometimes, it's not fireworks you're looking for but a toasty, crackling fire, that will burn steadily and quietly for a long time. Being okay with that is true comfort.
I also think it's very hard to figure out what you really value in relationships, until you've lost one that had those qualities - which is why so many people tend to have one, horrifically, soul-destroying-let's-listen-to-Nick-Cave-for-a-month break up, and then find things settle down a lot after that.
Not an easy decision, best of luck to you, matey. Word to the wise: don't jump into new girl's pants immediately. It will only hurt your ex.
posted by smoke at 4:23 PM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
*labored metaphors ahead*
Now you're just a wee little sprat, and the hard thing about being a wee sprat is figuring out what you actually value in a relationship, and where that quality sits in the continuum of how much of it you can reasonably expect. Also, I think, when you're younger, you kinda feel like relationships should be a lot of fireworks, and then you feel guilty for feeling that, and then you just don't know how many fireworks are appropriate. Fireworks are dangerous; you don't even know if you're qualified to handle them or not. They look so spectacular but all that noise and fury can be tiring after a while, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that every relationship has some fireworks, but sometimes, it's not fireworks you're looking for but a toasty, crackling fire, that will burn steadily and quietly for a long time. Being okay with that is true comfort.
I also think it's very hard to figure out what you really value in relationships, until you've lost one that had those qualities - which is why so many people tend to have one, horrifically, soul-destroying-let's-listen-to-Nick-Cave-for-a-month break up, and then find things settle down a lot after that.
Not an easy decision, best of luck to you, matey. Word to the wise: don't jump into new girl's pants immediately. It will only hurt your ex.
posted by smoke at 4:23 PM on March 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
This best-friend chick can't be THAT much awesomer than your current partner. I'll bet if you cut her completely out of your life for a while (perhaps a LONG while) you'd find your loving feelings for your partner will return and someday, you will look back on this and wonder what the hell you were thinking.
What you are feeling right now is almost certainly limerance, not love, and it is a terrible state of mind for making major, life-altering decisions.
You sound as if you were happy with your current partner before the shit-stirring best friend came around and lobbed her little emotional grenade at you. Your limerant feelings were rekindled so strongly because suddenly you realized there was "hope" for a relationship with this friend. Limerance lives on hope and thrives on obstacles, and I can guarantee that if you leave your girlfriend and get together with your friend, all hope realized and all obstacles overcome, it will only be a matter of time before the spark fizzles out and at best things will be... comfortable. At worst, you'll be overcome with disappointment in the new relationship and wistful regret for the old one, once sanity returns and you realize what a good thing you threw away.
I know whereof I speak. I spent more than a year in the throes of an intense, painful crush that made me believe I had fallen out of love with my husband and caused me to seriously think I ought to get a divorce. There were several reasons I didn't go through with pursuing it, not the least of which was that I couldn't bring myself to hurt my husband who I still cared deeply about (even though at the time I was certain I only loved him "as a friend.") So I stuck it out, even though the process of getting over the crush was agonizing (I mean cry-myself-to-sleep horrible and awful) for a long time. Months, actually. Meanwhile, I worked on the marriage relationship in various ways, even though my heart was mostly not in it for awhile. But eventually the crush faded away, and what do you know, I'm back in love with my husband and very happy, and occasionally look back on the crush days and wonder "what the hell was I thinking???"
At least take a good long time to think about what you really want to do. There is really no hurry. And maybe stay the hell away from best friend for awhile while you get your head on straight. No sense in letting her muddy up the waters any more than she already has.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:31 PM on March 18, 2010
What you are feeling right now is almost certainly limerance, not love, and it is a terrible state of mind for making major, life-altering decisions.
You sound as if you were happy with your current partner before the shit-stirring best friend came around and lobbed her little emotional grenade at you. Your limerant feelings were rekindled so strongly because suddenly you realized there was "hope" for a relationship with this friend. Limerance lives on hope and thrives on obstacles, and I can guarantee that if you leave your girlfriend and get together with your friend, all hope realized and all obstacles overcome, it will only be a matter of time before the spark fizzles out and at best things will be... comfortable. At worst, you'll be overcome with disappointment in the new relationship and wistful regret for the old one, once sanity returns and you realize what a good thing you threw away.
I know whereof I speak. I spent more than a year in the throes of an intense, painful crush that made me believe I had fallen out of love with my husband and caused me to seriously think I ought to get a divorce. There were several reasons I didn't go through with pursuing it, not the least of which was that I couldn't bring myself to hurt my husband who I still cared deeply about (even though at the time I was certain I only loved him "as a friend.") So I stuck it out, even though the process of getting over the crush was agonizing (I mean cry-myself-to-sleep horrible and awful) for a long time. Months, actually. Meanwhile, I worked on the marriage relationship in various ways, even though my heart was mostly not in it for awhile. But eventually the crush faded away, and what do you know, I'm back in love with my husband and very happy, and occasionally look back on the crush days and wonder "what the hell was I thinking???"
At least take a good long time to think about what you really want to do. There is really no hurry. And maybe stay the hell away from best friend for awhile while you get your head on straight. No sense in letting her muddy up the waters any more than she already has.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:31 PM on March 18, 2010
Having not long ago been "the best friend", don't be too harsh on her needing to speak.
In my version, it was clear that there was something well amiss in our friendship, and it took large amounts of courage from both of us to talk it out and figure that there was some intense unresolved attraction along with the long lasting deep care for each other.
He's still with his fiancee, and I'm still unresolved - but with the acknowlegdment there, we at least have honest foundations to figure out what on earth happens to our relationship from here. No comments either way on what to do... messy for all, but not impossible to survive.
posted by liss at 4:55 PM on March 18, 2010
In my version, it was clear that there was something well amiss in our friendship, and it took large amounts of courage from both of us to talk it out and figure that there was some intense unresolved attraction along with the long lasting deep care for each other.
He's still with his fiancee, and I'm still unresolved - but with the acknowlegdment there, we at least have honest foundations to figure out what on earth happens to our relationship from here. No comments either way on what to do... messy for all, but not impossible to survive.
posted by liss at 4:55 PM on March 18, 2010
I'm not going to make predictions - maybe the sky will fall with kindness, sometimes it does.
If you're going to break up...
1. Move out.
2. Don't make your mutual friends take sides. Maybe you should let her have the friends and the hobbies, after all, you'll have your best friend, maybe.
3. Don't tell her what she's thinking. She might not be with you just because it's comfortable. Your feelings are not her thoughts.
If you went to college at 18 or 19, then you are 23 or 24 right now - confusion and drama are all pretty normal.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:14 PM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you're going to break up...
1. Move out.
2. Don't make your mutual friends take sides. Maybe you should let her have the friends and the hobbies, after all, you'll have your best friend, maybe.
3. Don't tell her what she's thinking. She might not be with you just because it's comfortable. Your feelings are not her thoughts.
If you went to college at 18 or 19, then you are 23 or 24 right now - confusion and drama are all pretty normal.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:14 PM on March 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
person for whom you should dump a good/happy relationship.
This woman will break your heart. Guaranteed.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:07 AM on March 18, 2010 [25 favorites]