In a tough spot with my parents. Trying to find life direction while living at home with two parents that HATE each other to the core. Advice if you've been in a similar situation, please.
I had stopped going to college 2 years through to work in a field I was potentially interested at the time. I lived in 2 apartments in 2 years. The second one, had a real bad vibe through the place, everyone was real down on their luck, I started smoking pot again, something I had kind of written off as elementary a few years before that, the lease was up, I had no plans, I just went back home. For a year I continued to work a little (by a little I mean I was doing freelance 2-3 days a week) spending a lot of time (23 at this point) thinking what the hell I was to do about my life. Smoking a lot of pot, drinking a lot of beer, making beer. Heh, I thought about going to brewing school, but the hobby wasn't about a career, it was about making beer and drinking it, and having people agree that it's cool. Like I said, a year had gone past, and I'm smoking out my window living at home trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. Subconsciously, I'm really depressed. I wouldn't say it or do anything about it, but I definitely was.
I was feeling out for the first time how different the home was. A new situation where I'm not going to school, where my dad is not going to work (he was laid off 2 years ago, still looking for a job, that's another hill of beans...); we all live in the same house, but we don't really live. Everyone is in a melancholy idle.
Anyways, time was coming around to where I was going to decide what to do with my life, which, at that point, was going to brewing school. It was crunch time, and no one knew it but me, that I had to chose something different than what the year had been, stagnant in every way. Brewing school, though cool in it's own regard, wasn't what I wanted. It was a hobby for me, I didn't want it to be a job. The wheels were turning though, the act of truly asking myself, "is this what I really want?" got me to put the pipe down for a couple nights. Around this time, I can't remember what I was doing, but I was at my computer, and my mother came in my room and confronted me about something, can't remember what exactly she said, but because I felt like she was in my space, talking about something I didn't want to hear, I pretty much told her to eff off. And though my family will ignore each other and isolate ourselves from each other, very rarely will we have genuine conflict.
When she left, I still had the feeling of standing my ground, and the heat you get from being mad, but I also felt like a real butt hole for not talking to my either of my parents, telling them what my plans were, because at that point no one including myself knew. I told myself I'd apologize for that, and let my mom know what the last year has been like for me. Well, as I apologized I started to cry, it was the first time in a while I let somebody who I cared about, know what was on my mind. It reminded me when I was young and if something was wrong, I could spill my guts out to my mom. I talked about not knowing what to do about a career, I talked about feelings of insecurity from all sorts of fronts.
It was at this particular point she decided drop the fact "Dad wanted to Divorce me while you were living in the city"
followed by, "I probably shouldn't have said that..."
My guts were on the floor, far before she mentioned that. It had been a long time since I had been that vulnerable, and I knew prior to that moment, that things weren't great between my folks, but to use my emotional state, as a tool, to get your side in. Just blew my mind. I hardened back up. The conversation wound down, I didn't say anything about how that comment made me feel. But man it effed my mind. Being in that real fragile state, to be mishandled in that state, made me think of all the times as a child, where I was taken advantage of like that.
Made me think a lot about my parents marriage then (as a child) and now. The fact it's ugly now doesn't help past memories. Soon after were my apologetic feelings toward my dad. Getting on him for all the hypocritical stuff, and everything else in between; anger residing from feelings like he didn't take the time to raise me... I now saw him as an old man with a real bitch of a wife, the life he set up for himself, and me myself this idiot stoner, wasting my time being mad and not doing anything. Just wasting my time, fretting the past. Really hit depression hard for about a week after that.
The thing that really sucks from my perspective is how this all happened. I'm not going to get into it completely, but it deals with, big surprise here, money. Situation makes my Dad look like a coward, and my mother looking like she finished "parenting" so she could cash out, and shit didn't work out, when Dad didn't like her strong arming him on what to spend money on. Ugly, really ugly. What's worse, they play the same game they did when I was 5, like which one can they make worse in front of their children to get sympathy points.
I wrote a letter to my mother. It was for her and her alone and for her to know what I knew, and where I stand on how she and my father act towards each other. When I was done writing it, and re-reading it... it was nasty. I couldn't give it to her. Here is a quote on one issue: "So I want to be clear right now. If your plan is to be as shitty to Dad as possible and hope to outlive him while befriending his family for their money, I'm going to have 0 respect for you. If Dad were to die tomorrow, and we were at the funeral, and your sobbing with his family about how much you miss him, 0 respect from me. Just know that. I mean, what would you have? You want to be 60 years old with the people you criticized (rightly in every regard) your entire life?". Woof. Right? How do you tell someone that? What sucks is, I used to love these people, we used to love each other. There's no trust any more, and no genuine talk.
I read a great post here
, a lot similar feelings there. A recurring answer was not to do anything. Yet, I feel like that's all I do. Makes me feel like a cog that is played and not spoken for, that sucks. I also hate the feeling of leaving them for dead. Shit's complicated. I should say the week after I was the most depressed, I started seeing a family shrink. I had no one I could talk about this -anyone I felt trustworthy to talk to-, so at that time it was the best way to go. It wasn't perfect, but it got some sober thoughts in order. I quit smoking pot in November, decided I didn't want to drink for year in december, don't know if I'll last the whole year, but I sure as hell want some time to regroup after just smoking and drinking and not giving a shit for a year. If I go to school like I am now, full time living at home, I will finish my bachelors in a year. Told myself after I was done, I could just throw my camping shit in a car and hit the national parks. This for some reason eased the paranoia of finding the perfect career right away.
If you've been in similar circumstances, any advice handling matters like this would be greatly appreciated.