Seeking advice on suggesting casual sex to a friendly ex

March 14, 2010 8:45 PM

Question on the practice of and etiquette involved in a "booty call."

Hi AskMe. I was hoping for the hivemind's advice on how to approach a kind of sexual relationship that I've never tried before. Basically, I've arrived at a point in my life where I'm considering doing the whole casual hookup thing for the first time ever.

Here's the situation I'm working with: the last woman I was seeing seriously and I split up about a year ago. It was an amicable break owing more to the basic incompatibility of where we were both at in our lives more than any lack of affection or care for each other. We had our difficulties, of course, but it was no hard feelings, let's stay friends, please do take care of yourself, you know? And we have. We've not hung out a bunch since we split up, but we've kept in touch and gotten together for quick visits here and again. The other day we had a really excellent conversation in which we unpacked and finally addressed a bunch of the snarls of our relationship and break-up. It felt really good to have the air cleared the rest of the way. She's doing really well these days and I'm really glad to know that.

While the reasons our committed, monogamous relationship did not work out remain as valid as they were a year ago, it must be said that we're still attracted to each other and sexuality was never among our incompatibilities. And here's the thing: my luck at dating since she and I split has been ... not great. It's been over a year since there's been any intimacy in my life and, honestly, I'm losing my goddamn mind. I've been a serial monogamist up until now and never really done the casual sex thing before. But this dry spell has got to end and I can't help but wonder if maybe this friendly ex of mine might be in to helping me out with that. Far as I know, she hasn't been seeing much of anyone since we split up either.

I've never broached such a subject before, AskMe. Have you? Neither of us seems to have any interest in restarting our romance, but this extended period of celibacy is really messing me up. Would any of you be so good to share your experience or advice regarding casual sex with fondly remembered exes? I really don't want to just use her or disrespect her or disgust her or anything, and it doesn't seem like it should be so difficult to suggest to her that maybe we do something again that we once had just the greatest time doing, but this is very new social territory for me and I could really use some guidance. What do you think? How have you handled similar situations? How should I proceed?

Please use [e-mail] if you would prefer to keep your answers private or have any followup questions or anything like that.

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 answers total)

I think that you probably should be able to bring this up in a semi-upfront way that is not skeazy by waiting until a time when you're having a nice talk and saying something like..."Geez, you know I think we made the right choice in breaking up because of circumstances but it's too bad because sometimes I miss the fun we used to have-do you miss that part too?" A guy used this with me a long time ago and I got the memo. Just be careful to make it clear that you are hoping for just the sex because going out one night and falling into bed spontaneously might lead her to believe that you are back together, meaning you get to break up all over again. It sounds like you two have a decent friendship here so you should be pretty straightforward about it. Truthfully if she is the type of woman who is okay with casual sex, she'll get the picture fast. If she is not that kind of woman, nothing you say is going to make her change her mind and she might not like your suggestion, but it's not like you're going to get back together, so you really haven't lost anything.
posted by supercapitalist at 9:04 PM on March 14, 2010

The other day we had a really excellent conversation in which we unpacked and finally addressed a bunch of the snarls of our relationship and break-up. It felt really good to have the air cleared the rest of the way. She's doing really well these days and I'm really glad to know that.

I think you should be happy with this and focus your energy elsewhere. Look, like everybody else, I've had casual sex with some of my exes (after a month, a year, etc.). You know what you're getting into sexually, but you don't know how things will play out emotionally (for your former SO, if not for you) and if you're at some sort of good equilibrium I think you should just leave it there. Obviously, none of this applies if you're looking to start a relationship again, because that comes with another set of issues. FWIW I think having a person of the desirable sex who thinks highly of you and will say so to other persons of the desirable sex is worth leaving as is; you can always have just sex with people you haven't invested a lot of time and friendship in already.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 9:06 PM on March 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

The fact that you already had such a satisfying and productive reunion is pretty remarkable. Don't push your luck.
posted by hermitosis at 9:27 PM on March 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

Getting stuff out in the open and unpacking is a great thing. Just remember that the moment you hop back into bed is the moment you start re-packing that suitcase again.

Casual relationships are just that - casual, perhaps, but still relationships, with dynamics and feelings and dangers. Even if it's just a "booty call," keep in mind that for better or for worse, you're really starting a new relationship with this person.
posted by bicyclefish at 9:41 PM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

This is a bad idea for a number of reasons but a text along the lines of "How would you feel about a saucy hookup for a couple of hours?" isn't the worst notion on earth. Close to it, I admit, but not the worst.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:42 PM on March 14, 2010

Dooooon't dooo iiiiiit!

Casual sex needs to be uncomplicated for it to work without drama. You know what's NOT uncomplicated? An ex with whom you actually have a good, functional relationship. That's novel and rare and wonderful and don't fuck it up.

The people I've had the most success at having casual sex with have all been friends of mine who are dear to me, but with whom I am not particularly close. Someone in my improv troupe, someone I got together to improvise music with, someone on my debate team in college...etc. The nice thing about them was that even if things managed somehow to get fraught, there wasn't too much at stake to lose.

One of the sad things about growing up is that the sheer number of people in your friends group dwindles, so there are fewer horny, single, safe and loosely connected people around you. But I think you should try to figure out who in your life fits that bill before you fuck up something nice out of desperation.

Also: there is a ton of free porn on the internet, and masturbation rocks. I'm just sayin'. not that that's any substitute for actual y'know sex. but still better than ruining a good friendship over.
posted by socket wench at 9:58 PM on March 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

It will end in tears. Trust me on this.
posted by sequin at 10:27 PM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

Beanplating here. Don't "DO" it, and don't "NOT DO" it either. Go out for drinks. Get drunk. See what happens. Chances are, you'll hook up, because that's what horny ex's do. Chances are also that she won't invest any more into it than you, because things have been pretty clear up to this point.

And if nothing happens, or you get a firm, but non-verbal rejection, so be it. Nothing gained, nothing lost.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 10:29 PM on March 14, 2010

The person didn't ask "should I do it," they asked "how should I go about it?" It's not anybody else's place to say "don't do it, it'll only end in tears." It doesn't always. And even if it does, sometimes sexual satisfaction after a year-long drought is worth the ensuing emotional distress.

But yeah, ask her out to have a drink, or to do something non-serious that you know you'll both enjoy. Don't be overly blunt about it, or make her feel cheap. But do make sure you're both on the same page of understanding that the sex is strictly casual.
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:37 PM on March 14, 2010

Done it, it was awesome, we're the kind of exes that give each other tips on technique.

So...the major issue is that now you've worked out the issues in your relationship. You're a bit lonely.

I suggest accepting that you might have weird, clingy, neurotic, illogical, irrational, silly, awkward feelings after the event. Just accept it as a possibility. When/if they happen, remember: you don't have to act on your feelings. They are a weird combo of brain chemicals and genuine regard, and they might FEEL important, significant, meaningful. But the situation hasn't changed. So as important as they seem, they do not change anything; do not allow them to affect your behavior.

There's no way to guarantee that your FEELINGS will stay casual. You can, however, ensure that your BEHAVIOR stays casual. Don't call her more than you normally do, maybe a nice text saying thanks for a great evening, and then be chill about it.

If you're disgusted by my approach to romantic feelings or I sound like a heartless robot, or if you think it's impossible to control behavior when the feelings are there, then I recommend against it.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:53 PM on March 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've done it, but it was made easier by the fact that we were not/do not intend to be in the same city very often (so, it's not going to become a relationship by accident). We were out for drinks (a friends birthday), went back to my place to watch TV and it went from there - like a first date, sort of. We are still good friends, and I'd probably do it again.
Mostly, what the detective squad says above sounds accurate.
posted by jacalata at 12:47 AM on March 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

What you have already is precious. Don't reach for the sledgehammer.
posted by spaceandtime30 at 6:39 PM on March 21, 2010