How do we keep this from turning into Bride Wars?

March 13, 2010 11:10 PM

How can we prevent this ending up like "Bride Wars" when best friends got engaged a month apart and plan to marry the same summer?

We're best friends. We were absolutely inseparable in high school and even a couple of years after college are still very close. She will be my maid of honor and I will be a bridesmaid (since her sister will be MOH) in her wedding.

We got engaged a month apart, and due to the fact that we are both teachers, both plan to marry in summer 2011.

I am nervous this will turn into a crazy race to find the best date, the best venue, etc.

I am also worried neither of us will be able to feel like it's our own "special day", since dress shopping and everything else will inevitably turn into somewhat looking for ourselves instead of for each other.

How do we make sure this is a fun, exciting, cooperative time and not a jealous, competitive time? I don't want to lose my best friend!

posted by NHlove to human relations (20 answers total)

You could have a double wedding and combine resources.

If that's not acceptable (and I don't blame you if it's not) you can still make it fun to cooperatively plan and help each other with your separate days.
posted by amyms at 11:26 PM on March 13, 2010

Don't compare yourself to her. You'll drive yourself crazy. The fact that you're already thinking that you might end up competing or being jealous might mean that you're worrying too much over your wedding, or maybe not in the right mindset for the planning to be a good process for you. Your weddings are two independent events, and just focus on making yours the way that will make you happiest without going insane trying to make it happen. Don't have this idea that your wedding has to be absolutely "perfect." Nothing is. The key is to strike a balance between what you envision your wedding having, and what will be easier and less stressful to execute. It's your "special day" because you're marrying someone you love, and will have friends and family around to celebrate, not because you have a better dress or venue or date. Summer is a pretty long time... like three months long, so there's not really any reason to be fighting over dates and venues when there are 12+ weekends available. If y'all ended up having your wedding at the same place, so what? Your mutual friends will probably be glad that they already know how to get there.
posted by ishotjr at 11:29 PM on March 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know it may sound silly to say, but don't let it be competitive and jealous. Be happy for your friend and make that known. Be supportive and helpful and make the effort not to let anything get to the place where either of you will be uncomfortable. There is absolutely no reason to be competitive about it. Go into the whole thing without comparing the days/events/weddings. Each person has different ideas of what they want and what makes the day good for them. For me that meant a city hall wedding and a party in my backyard later. It would have been awful if we had anything other than that. Make sure to keep to what you and your fiancee want and be supportive of your friend for the day she wants. If there is some sort of problem, let it go, even if it means letting her be the bridezilla, let it go. It is ONE single day, just a day. Keep thinking about that... it's one day. I know we cannot help feel jealous for what we know are irrational reasons. Know this and feel your feelings at home in bed, but use your logic and brain when dealing with your responsibilities. Act on your rational logical reactions. I really don't think you'll have problems just because you are thinking about it, but talk about how to handle bad situations now. Congratulations!
posted by Swisstine at 11:31 PM on March 13, 2010

I don't see why it has to be competitive at all. If you really forsee this becoming a problem, i would ask her straight up, "Do you think we're gonna fall apart like that movie Bride Wars lol" and if she says "Haha I don't know, maybe!" Then you can say something like "Do you promise to tell me if I start acting crazy? And I'll stop? And if I tell you that you're acting crazy, you'll stop too?" Kind of like your own vows to each other, I guess.

I mean your day is still gonna be your day. You're not gonna look back in 20 years and say "I wish my best friend wasn't with me the day I found my wedding dress, because on that day I had to tell her that she had found some really great shoes!" I'm having a does-not-compute moment right now.
posted by amethysts at 11:33 PM on March 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

Are you guys marrying each other's ex or something? Two friends can certainly get married in the same season and have it be nothing but awesome. Just think: you have someone to bitch about mother-in-laws, crazy dresses, expensive food, and how to stretch a budget. Really - your day is your day. You'll each make it special in your own ways, and weddings are stressful enough without trying to imagine false competition here.

Bigger doesn't mean better, more expensive doesn't mean better, more guests doesn't mean better, a prettier location doesn't mean better. Better is: meaningful to you and your family, which includes your fiance, and within a budget that doesn't put anyone into debt. Even better: deciding to spend the rest of your life with a true love, and sealing that decision with a kiss in front of your friends and family. Everything else is gravy. Really.

Presumably you're not the same person, nor are you marrying the same person. All of those differences will lead to each of your ceremonies being unique, memorable, loved and cherished. Life isn't a race, and weddings aren't the litmus test for love or the strength of a couple.

Maybe you two should have lunch and talk about what you always imagined, but what you might be thinking about now, and share good ideas. You'll see the differences emerge already.

And repeat after me: at no point should you utter the words, "but she stole x idea from me!!" Because all weddings are the same, and all weddings are unique. Your goal is to have a lovely ceremony for yourself, and support your friend as she creates her own lovely ceremony. They're two totally independent activities, except you each have special insight into each other's lives at that moment.
posted by barnone at 11:39 PM on March 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

Ooooor you could reposition the wedding day as a ceremonial beginning to a civil union before your friends and family. What makes it 'your' special day anyway? Seems to me there's simply way to much worrying about the day and not enough about the life.

Maybe your partner would be a better source of advice than an internet forum. You do have one who, y'know, is going to play a significant part in the proceedings?
posted by mce at 12:10 AM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

Ignore your impulse to try to make things perfect. They won't be. They never are for weddings. Something will go wrong, usually minor, that will upset you beyond consolation if you're looking for perfection.

That said, try to help each other out. Talk it over with her. Hug it out. Maybe you'll find that one weekend isn't doable for her family or his family to attend, but good for yours.

And it will be your special day, because you will be with the person you love and you will be pledging to stay with them until "death do you part". Someone loves you...you and only you. Isn't that enough to make it special?
posted by inturnaround at 3:09 AM on March 14, 2010

Both of my sisters were married in August, though a year apart. And both of them had weddings to attend in the September after for close friends. And, you know what? It wasn't an issue. My sisters' weddings were about my sisters and their husbands. Their friends' weddings were about their friends and their new spouses.

It came up that they talked with each other about djs and flowers and the like, but that was it. Each party was so focused on their own wedding planning there wasn't much room for competition. All the couples were different and their weddings reflected that. For them, at least, it was a non-issue.
posted by zizzle at 4:54 AM on March 14, 2010

What if you both sit down with a couple of neutral parties and go through a quick rundown of the major parts of each wedding, just to see how similar your ideas of the perfect wedding even are?

Start with things like:

Date
Location of ceremony
Location of reception
Type (formal, semi formal, casual, theme, etc)
Colors
Dress type
Cake
(Go through a wedding planning guide and pull out any other areas you think you might want to discuss)
I would probably even do a little research and make a storyboard of my ideas, but I'm a little type-A like that sometimes.

If you find that you have some areas that overlap, discuss what that might mean. Could you both live with having the same color dresses for the bridesmaids? If not, what are some other options of colors that you might consider? Negotiate with each other. If someone ends up going bridezilla and won't negotiate at all, it's time to re-evaluate what - and who - are really important for this special day.

I think acting like grown ups (civility, negotiation, compromise) will go a long way towards avoiding jealousy and competitiveness - especially if you have a good idea of what your perfect wedding looks like in your mind before you dive in.

I know a lot of people get knee deep into planning and then realize their dream wedding has changed substantially into something different. Be prepared for those moments, but also be ready to ask yourself - am I veering towards this new course because BFF is doing it or because I have really changed what I desire for this part of the wedding.

Also, if you are still worried this will be a race between you both to get the "best" of everything, you guys might agree to work through a wedding planner calendar together, so each decision comes at the same time and you can both talk about each decision as it comes.

I can't think of something I would love more than planning m dream wedding alongside my best friend planning hers. I think this will end up being a great memory for you both.
posted by prettymightyflighty at 6:05 AM on March 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

If you're over the age of 25, realize that your mutual friends who actually matter won't be comparing your cakes, color schemes, dress styles, etc. in a critical way. These details only seem important to the actual people getting married, and perhaps an inlaw or two. All weddings mostly look alike to everyone else, anyway. It's really about the two individuals getting, well, married, and your feelings about them.
posted by availablelight at 6:58 AM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

Focus more on what marriage means and less on the details of the wedding.
posted by Kangaroo at 7:34 AM on March 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

To keep things from turning into a competition, it's helpful to think about what the essence of a "competition" is--two people doing something that is judged by outsiders according to some external standard.

Take the focus off the outsiders (trying to impress your guests) and external standards (trying to match cultural expectations of "the perfect wedding"). Instead, focus on what is most meaningful and pleasing to you.

This will naturally lead you towards different visions of an awesome wedding and all its details. You can each have distinct, "best for you" weddings that will be memorable to your guests because they are an expression of self-actualization.
posted by drlith at 7:40 AM on March 14, 2010

Pick one small thing to be competitive on. The rest you agree not to be competitive on. It should be something ridiculous and funny.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:45 AM on March 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

Why would you want to race to get "the best date"? Wouldn't that only create a situation where you're not able to attend the wedding and vice versa? Would you really not want your best friend at your wedding?

The solution with regards to that question is to ask her when she's planning on having it. If she doesn't know, ask her to keep you appraised, and tell her you'll do likewise. Because, after all, it's important that you're both able to be there.

As for the other stuff: seriously, fuck it. Your worth is not decided according to how pretty your dress is on your wedding day, and the prettiness of your friend on her wedding day has no impact on you. This is not a zero-sum game. Realize that the conception of a wedding as a status symbol/competition is entirely created by the wedding industry to make you feel crappy and spend more money. The way around it is to refuse to play. You are not a princess and don't need to act like one, especially as far as valued friendships are concerned.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:55 AM on March 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

I attended several friends' weddings the summer I got married, and yeah, I did some comparing. It's unavoidable. But the overwhelming impression I took away was that no wedding is perfect, as long as both people show up at the altar it's pretty much ok whatever else happens, and that one person's dream wedding is different from another person's is different from another person's and on and on.

It might help if you maintain a little distance. The maid of honor does not need to be involved in every decision. So, don't go dress shopping together--take your mom or sister or another friend, someone who isn't planning her own wedding. Go look at potential venues with your fiance. And so on. Geography and work schedules prevented me from doing much, if any of the planning/shopping with my maid of honor, and that was fine. I didn't miss out on any critical part of having a wedding, the wedding was fantastic, and we're still great friends. If shopping together for both weddings will cause problems, don't do it. There's no need to.

I don't suggest this because this is a competition, but because doing those things with your best friend may well feel like one. Don't give yourself the option of thinking that way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:11 AM on March 14, 2010

Why would you expect your relationship with your best friend to be anything like Bride Wars? Maybe it's just because I was so offended by the sexist nature of that film, but seriously. Don't take behavioral cues from movies. Especially not Bride Wars. Women don't need to fall for the expectation that they will turn into monsters in the months leading up to their wedding.
posted by smalls at 9:11 AM on March 14, 2010 [4 favorites]

I think Ironmouth's suggestion is the best one. Compete over Best Wedding Reception Dance Routine or make your respective Best Men have a rap battle or arm the page boys with inflatable hammers and arrange a date where you can command them in a ground war. The rest of it you'll be too busy to worry about, but when there's an elephant in the room, the polite thing is to introduce him/her to everyone.
posted by RokkitNite at 9:13 AM on March 14, 2010

Get together and talk about your concerns.

Agree to take turns being 100% there for each other. When she's dress shopping, don't dress shop. Don't be a bride. Be her best friend. Expect the same from her, and if she doesn't live up to that, ask her firmly and calmly to be your best friend. Make sure you both get enough "IT'S MY DAAAAAYYYY" time.

Agree to communicate when you feel like the other person isn't there for you. Agree to cut each other slack. Agree to love each other and forgive each other. Agree that you will piss each other off and agree that you won't build up any resentments.

Apologize early and often. Send lovely notes or emails about how much you love her plans and are looking forward to her wedding.

You won't change now that you're engaged. You'll be you, but stressed out and pulled in a lot of different directions. What's new! The societal expectation that brides turn into crazy psycho stereotypical competitive selfish bitches is ridiculous and sexist. We feed girls the Perfect Wedding myth from birth and then we make women terrified of being a Bridezilla if they try to get what they want. It's silly. Most engaged women I know (including myself) were perfectly pleasant, considering they were planning a huge party and getting ready to make an enormous commitment.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 9:51 AM on March 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, and you will reduce the stress if you eschew the myth that your wedding will be unique. It will not. Weddings have been happening for thousands of years. Your marriage will be unique. Your wedding--well--not so much. If you both have the same cake topper, well, whatever.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 9:53 AM on March 14, 2010

I think if you see yourself as a team, rather than opposing competitors, that may help extremely well. I'm in a workplace of 20 (mostly females) where there are 6 weddings being planned over the next 24 months. There is a joy in sharing all of their tips, dresses with each other, they all bring business cards and magazines in like they're trading marbles in elementary school. In your planning, involve people who aren't getting married any time soon.

You'll have different budgets, visions for your perfect day, so why compete? Share the love, marvel at the wondrous things that are different about your weddings, and share a conspiratorial giggle over the things that are the same or similar -- like you've both just figured out a clever trick.
posted by chronic sublime at 4:18 AM on March 15, 2010