Teenagers!
March 12, 2010 1:05 PM   Subscribe

My teenage daughter is constantly bragging about herself to complete strangers. What should I do?

She is bright, attractive, 16-going-on-seventeen, introverted, definitely not a follow-the-popular-crowd type, into science and nature. She has a good group of girlfriends, and gets plenty of positive attention at home. I make a point to let her know often how proud I am of her. We spend a good amount of time together and for the most part have a good relationship.

But lately she's started bragging about her accomplishments and activities to total strangers, and often it's inappropriate and unrelated to what is going on (for example, the waitress at IHOP really doesn't need to know she's in her third year of Mandarin Chinese). It's unsafe, and it's embarrassing. I've tried telling her to stop, but she gets very defensive and feels as though I'm trying to put her down. Which I'm not, I'm very proud of her and what she does, I just think it's rude to go around talking about oneself all the time. Nobody likes a braggart.

So my question is: Is this normal? I know teenagers are obnoxious, egocentric creatures, so maybe this bugs me so much because I have this angelic image in my head of what a young woman should act like. I think it's great that my daughter has so many interests (some of which are unusual for a girl her age) and is not afraid to be herself, but I think there's a fine line between being confident and being arrogant, and I need to know how to teach her this without crushing her spirit.
posted by cottonswab to Human Relations (49 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I know teenagers are obnoxious, egocentric creatures

Nail. Head.
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:09 PM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


It's unsafe, and it's embarrassing.

To who? You? Or the strangers?

Let the kid say whatever she wants to. If the thoughts are consistently unwelcome, she'll come to the realization on her own.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:10 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Maybe frame it in a different way - rather than making it about her, make it about the people she's bragging to. Pull a Great Gatsby on her:

"Honey, it's great that you're so accomplished! But you have to remember that not everyone else in life has had the same opportunities you've had. What if the waitress has to work all the time at IHOP to support her family, and doesn't have time to take interesting classes like she dreams? You'd be making her feel really bad even if you didn't mean to."

Has she had an experience where someone else bragged about something she found difficult? Is there a certain area she's not so great in? If so, that would be a good thing to bring up.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 1:10 PM on March 12, 2010 [33 favorites]


My 15 year old daughter is all about herself these days. I get frustrated, but I have taken the approach that it is a phase of which she will grow out. I hope so!!

I am not so sure she is being either confident or arrogant but more likely insecure and talking herself up.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:12 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Bragging as unsafe? Nothing from your post suggests "unsafe" to me, unless you mean that you think someone will hit her or in a jealous rage? Or perhaps you are a very wealthy family and she's bragging about your Ferrari, and you think she's at risk for kidnapping as a result?

I really don't see where unsafe comes into play here.
posted by dfriedman at 1:13 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Maybe she needs to start a blog.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:16 PM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


Best answer: If she's not following the popular crowd, chances are they're REALLY not following her. You can give her all the positive attention you want, but you're her parent and she can't trust what's coming from you to be objective about the things she's worked to achieve on her own.

My guess is that she wants to earn recognition to prove that she is appealing to other people, because she might not be getting that from the more popular members of her peer group. Why not tell the waitress at IHOP? If you can impress a perfect stranger (even if it's a perfect stranger who is being paid to be nice to you), you must be doing something right.
posted by Madamina at 1:18 PM on March 12, 2010 [4 favorites]


I'd say it's completely normal. My younger brother was the same way and it used to bug the hell out of me. My mother and father just shrugged it off and figured that he would figure out eventually that he's not the center of the universe, which he eventually did.

Like you said, all teenagers are obnoxious narcissists. The best course of action would probably be to roll with it.

Although I wonder, is this something that's more problematic now than it used to be? Now that every kid seems to be told from all corners that he or she is the best and can do anything (not saying this applies to you, just in general) is it any wonder they might seem a little more big on themselves than we remember being at that age?
posted by fso at 1:18 PM on March 12, 2010


Response by poster: Bragging as unsafe?

Yeah, I guess it does seem silly. I am a really reserved person, and I was raised that it's not good to talk too much to strangers or share too much about yourself to people you don't know. I realize that this may be more about me than her, which is why I'm asking the question. I'm not really sure at what point I should be concerned, and I don't want to saddle her with my own baggage. At the same time I'd like to raise a polite considerate adult!
posted by cottonswab at 1:20 PM on March 12, 2010


Best answer: My perception, based on viewing my four kids, who are now 17 - 23 years old, is that the junior and senior years of high school are a real pressure cooker. Bright kids feel like they are being judged and evaluated in this college preparation process, at the same time that they are very unsure of themselves and are judging themselves against what they think the expectations of the world around them are.

I found that I sometimes thought my kids were arrogant and was embarrassed by it, but I was also aware of how vulnerable they are. It sounds like your daughter may be in the similar position.

My only advice is that this doesn't sound unusual, that it is a mechanism related to the pressure that she is feeling for winding her way in the world, that getting into college and moving along changes their perception incredibly, and that she's okay and you're okay.
posted by Edward L at 1:22 PM on March 12, 2010 [7 favorites]


I think it's normal. I had a couple friends in high school who thought that the way to make a good impression with a new adult acquaintance was to cite their accomplishments and honors from school. I think it might be a side effect of the college admissions marathon that high school can be--teens are required to brag about their achievements to total strangers (admissions committees) in order to get into college, and there's a huge emphasis on trying to be impressive and amazing and unique when they talk about the details of their academics or extracurriculars rather than just an emphasis on sharing what is interesting to them personally.

If I did this in high school (doubtful, as I was always an absolute delight to be around as a teenager), I outgrew it, as did most of my friends. Even the one or two who still tend to brag a lot seem to be doing fine as adults: they have friends, jobs, etc.

I think that a lot of my friends and I got to college, met some people who were really invested in their amazing SAT scores, saw how silly that was, and realized we probably didn't need to be going on and on about our own accomplishments in high school. Keep an eye on this if you want, but I think it's just part of growing up--figuring out how to be smart and talented without needing everyone around you to know how smart and talented you are.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:25 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think your experiences growing up are a lot different than hers are in today's modern world where success is just a viral video on Youtube away and talent is celebrated endlessly on reality tv.

That said, it never hurts to get a good early lesson in humility. Maybe do a family volunteer activity with people who are clearly not as fortunate as her.

You could also get a little creative and make up a story to share your concerns with her. Something like "man, I had a really tough day today. I met an old friend from school and I really wanted to tell her about all the great things in my life and all that I've accomplished but it just didn't feel right because she's fallen on some really tough times and I realized that its not that important to brag about those things."

Maybe not that verbatim but you get the idea. Either way, teenage girls are all about ego and comparing themselves to others so there's probably not much you can do about this and just hope that she grows out of it as she matures a bit and learns there are more important things in life than comparing your worth to others.
posted by Elminster24 at 1:26 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Forgot to add...I had a tendency to do this with some of my friends when I got a cool job out of college. I have/had a big mouth and talked it up to be more than it was and they just ended up making fun of me for bragging about it. What really got me to stop though was when I was out with some female friends of theirs that I was just meeting and went through my spiel to try to impress them. I was later told by one of the guys that they thought I was trying WAAAAY too hard and that I'd probably be a lot cooler if I just stopped doing that.

I tell you what, nothing could get a young guy like me at the time to stop that crap faster than finding out it was hurting my chance with women.
posted by Elminster24 at 1:29 PM on March 12, 2010


Best answer: I wouldn't worry about it. Teenagers are very self-absorbed. This is the same thing that makes them think that absolutely everyone will notice the tiny little zit on their forehead.

Also, while most adults probably react favorably to hearing that she's in her third year of Mandarin Chinese, at school she most likely catches a lot of grief for being a nerd. So she's probably trying to reassure herself that not everyone thinks she's a dork, and just as soon as she gets out into the real world, with adults, then life will be so much better.

And at this age, you being proud of her doesn't count for much. You're a parent, therefore by definition you are uncool. Plus, you are a parent, therefore you will say you are proud of her even if you aren't, and kids know that.

This too shall pass.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:29 PM on March 12, 2010


Best answer: I went through a version of this phase when I was younger, and had a few of the adults in my life come down on me fairly harshly in regards to it.

She'll grow out of it. And if my experience is at all indicative, the damage you could cause by trying to get her to stop might outweigh any potential benefit. You'll probably never see that waitress again (and presumably, she understands that teenagers are sometimes self-absorbed) but I still cringe in horrified embarassment ten years later when I remember being called out on my own moment of self-aggrandizement.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:30 PM on March 12, 2010 [7 favorites]


Bit of a long shot here but is there any way you could get her to focus on building rapport with people by focusing on them? Like umm uh a family interview project or uh something?
posted by DarlingBri at 1:45 PM on March 12, 2010


If she's really into accomplishments maybe you can suggest that building really good social skills would be something worth pursuing?
posted by orme at 1:46 PM on March 12, 2010


Have her read Dale Carnegie. Seriously, learning what it means to become interested in other people is the antidote for the self-braggadocios disposition.
posted by yoyoceramic at 2:09 PM on March 12, 2010


She'll eventually do this to a few people who won't be willing to humor her, and they'll take her down a peg or two with snarky replies. Then after a while she'll realize how egocentric she's being. Just wait it out.
posted by lizbunny at 2:16 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


It's hard to have good self-esteem when you're a teenage girl. When I was reading your question all I could think was it's really fortunate that she's affirming her accomplishments rather than feeling like crap or thinking that she's a failure. And honestly, being able to toot your own horn and feel good about your accomplishments is a great skill to have to get ahead in life.

The other part of it (knowing when this kind of behavior is appropriate) is about maturity and teenagers are notoriously not mature. She will grow out of it in time, but I think it's pretty harmless (if somewhat irritating to others) right now.
posted by Kimberly at 2:17 PM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I think the most important thing to remember is that teenagers are vulnerable, they are trying to figure out who the hell they are and what their life is about. Don't come down on her too hard, and definitely don't comment on the behavior in front of witnesses.
If you feel the need to talk to her about it, try to stick to your own perspective without trying to project. (i.e. "I feel uncomfortable sharing personal accomplishments with strangers because it seems too self-aggrandizing..." etc. NOT "nobody likes a braggart, dear.")
posted by purpletangerine at 2:41 PM on March 12, 2010


Best answer: I could very well be wrong, but she sounds like a big nerd to me. Excited about what she's interested in clueless about the fact that most people just don't care. Some will find her arrogant. Fellow nerds will brag back and befriend her. Others, like me, will find her social ineptitude kind of charming and wish they were more like her.
posted by kitcat at 2:49 PM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]


If need be, turn it around and ask her if she likes it when other kids brag to her the way she does. She probably doesn't. Then hopefully she'll put two and two together.

If that doesn't work eventually one of her friends will hopefully dump the chair out from under her after she says something annoying and she'll start to change. That's what helped me grow out of it!
posted by thorny at 2:52 PM on March 12, 2010


This was me, fifteen years ago. I grew out of it. So will your daughter.
posted by EarBucket at 3:00 PM on March 12, 2010


Let her be. My mom was always taking my cocky teenage self down a notch. She probably had the best of intentions, but I would kill to have that amount (or maybe a little less) self-confidence now.
posted by kookaburra at 3:15 PM on March 12, 2010


Man, my kid just came out of that phase, and am I ever glad. I found that particular trait uncomfortable because I remember that awkward, not sure about my self-esteem phase from my own teen years. I was a reserved child, and would expound my own greatness in my head, but my son is mouthy, and would tell perfect strangers about this, that or the other thing that was so perfectly awesome and unique to him, it would make me cringe.
I took the Gatsby approach cited above, and although it didn't work immediately, it did sink in, and my son has grown/phased out of that awkward self-esteem building period wherein it was important to build himself up outwardly in order to feel good about himself inwardly. As others have mentioned above, this too shall pass. Teenagers are pretty rotten, I will be the first to tell you, but if you play your cards right, when they come out the other side, they can be pretty special people.
Good luck!
posted by msali at 3:18 PM on March 12, 2010


If she brags about her Chinese classes, tell he she can show off by helping Chinese emigrants fill out paper work at the community center. If she brags about how strong she is, get her to move furniture around for old people. Good at math, get her to help blind people with their taxes.

Get creative, she will soon tone it down. There is a difference between being confident and proud in ones abilities and being a braggart.
posted by wrnealis at 3:23 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Your example didn't sound particular narcissistic to me. I'm sure it depends on the way it was said, but telling someone you're in your third year of Mandarin isn't necessarily bragging - it seems like it could just be sharing information. Telling everyone that you have been getting straight A's in Mandarin, or making sure everyone knows your SAT scores, or something like that, which provides only flattering information (ie, "I have been judged excellent in this regard") rather than more general information regarding interests, would be different. But if she's just talking about things she is into, I don't really see the problem.
posted by mdn at 3:27 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Totally normal behavior, and good on her for being proud. However, you're right that there is a social cost to being a braggart, and making her aware of it is a reasonable thing for a parent to want to do.

I suggest sitting her down one day after she's done this (without any comment from you) at a restaurant or whatnot, and explain: "Hon, there are two words I want you to look up: 'Braggart' and 'Humility.' The reality of your accomplishments are amazing, and you should be very proud of them -- but how you represent those accomplishments to other people has a huge impact on how people perceive you."

Then leave it at that; the ball's in her court to elect to grow or ignore your recommendation, and she's a big girl now, she'll learn sooner (through reading those definitions and applying her own interpretations) or later (when one of her peers that she respects and admires tells her to stop bragging all the time.)
posted by davejay at 3:43 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


Oh, and does she read a lot of fiction? A lot of young adult fiction addresses personal growth, where people mature and grow and learn to do amazing things but also learn to be humble about them. I have no specific recommendations, but someone else might.
posted by davejay at 3:47 PM on March 12, 2010


As the total opposite of your daughter when I was a teen, I think you should just let it play itself out.
The world will knock her down sooner or later on its own, and it's best if you're the support and the one on her side.

Also, it is a great skill for college interviews and job interviews. Because I was so shy and hated talking about myself or *godforbid* bragging, it was really hard to sit there and tell someone why they should accept me instead of everyone else and why I am special, even if I could think of one or two things.

Let her be and just roll your eyes to the waitress behind daughter's back if you want to show that you're not serious about her behavior.
posted by rmless at 3:51 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think of it this way--the troubles she could be having if she had very low self-confidence are so, so much more terrifying. Your highly confident daughter has a great chance at escaping an eating disorder, depression, self-injury, suicidal thoughts/attempts, abusive relationships, peer pressure, teen pregnancy, dying from alcohol poisoning at a high school party...
posted by so_gracefully at 3:59 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


1- We don't grow out of these "phases" until someone points out the folly of them. There is wisdom in letting some things work themselves out, but that doesn't mean to ignore them either. The way to approach something like that is not to scold or scowl, but more like respond the same way you would if a peer did something like that.

2- I don't know about anyone else, but I'd feel a lot worse about myself if I was going around acting like a boor/jackass and nobody cared enough to point it out to me.

3- Are you sure she isn't feeling anxious about something else, and this current phase is some kind of cover/coping mechanism?

Seriously- grade schoolers brag to strangers. High schoolers brag to friends, family and acquaintances. I'm sure there's nothing *wrong*, but it's still weird. Maybe she is just coming out of her shell and still learning how to engage with adults on an adult level. But if your interpretation of the level of non-relevance is accurate, it seems weird to me. But again, not bad weird. Just a sign to keep an eye out and make sure nothing else is going on.
posted by gjc at 4:48 PM on March 12, 2010


She'll probably grow out of it, but even if she doesn't, is it really all that bad? Recently I've been noticing how the relentless self-promoters have been getting published while the modest and self-effacing get nothing.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:02 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Everything looks like a nail when you're holding a hammer... but I'm reading a book called The Self Esteem Trap. It thoughtfully explores the dynamics of the "supportive" parenting and teaching conventions of the past half century.

While the book probably won't spell out a remedy for your discomfort or your daughter's bragging, it seems likely to provide some perspective on what she's going through.
posted by maniabug at 6:40 PM on March 12, 2010


I suggest sitting her down one day after she's done this (without any comment from you) at a restaurant or whatnot, and explain: "Hon, there are two words I want you to look up: 'Braggart' and 'Humility.' The reality of your accomplishments are amazing, and you should be very proud of them -- but how you represent those accomplishments to other people has a huge impact on how people perceive you."

Davejay's words here seem perfect to me, but I think if said directly to her, could lead to awkwardness, hurt feelings and defensive denials and might not get her to notice that there is a problem.

Rather than sitting her down and saying these words to her face, write them down in a note, leave them in her room where she's sure to find it, and say nothing to her about it, unless she brings it up.

Do this one time and one time only.

It might not sink in right away. But will give her some helpful advice to think over and process in her own way and in her own time.
posted by marsha56 at 6:44 PM on March 12, 2010


While "nobody likes a braggart" I think our society does a great job in making it acceptable to put people down and celebrate our talents and accomplishments. I think it squelches people and keeps them in their "place," whatever that is. I think people should be more effusive about their talents and accomplishments, frankly. I hate the whole shoegazing bs.

I wish I had had this level of self-esteem in high school. I wish my parents had supported anything I did to try to have self-esteem, instead of telling me constantly to stop patting myself on the back, refuse to go to events in which I participated and was proud of my contribution, not be excited when I achieved something I was proud of.

I realize you think that you are being supportive of your daughter but being a teenage girl is hell on earth and even with girlfriends and a solid family it is walking on broken glass and hot coals. Every word from you HURTS. The smallest side comments my Mother thought nothing of at the time wounded me for years, even though she was driving the car and dealing with the carpool kids and wasn't thinking.

If you try to squelch what she is doing it will have more of a harmful impact than letting her continue to do it and find out FROM SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS NOT A PARENT that it's inappropriate.

IF you try to hammer lessons in "humility" or "braggart" to her, you will SHUT HER DOWN. She will grow out of it; she will learn her lessons on her own time; one day she will chirp about being fluent in Mandarin to someone who is REALLY fluent in Mandarin and she will learn a valuable lesson about humility without having her mom lecture her (which will be her perspective no matter how well-meaning you are).

I think your daughter is awesome.
posted by micawber at 7:48 PM on March 12, 2010 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks for all the great answers, it's really helped me to put it in perspective. I forget how rough high school is, and I think the responses suggesting that she's likely feeling the pain of being "different" and pressure to succeed are probably right on.
posted by cottonswab at 7:55 PM on March 12, 2010


For what it's worth, though it's embarrassing to you, I think other people are probably just mildly amused by it. I sympathize, but as others have pointed out, teenagers just kind of do that sort of thing and it's not going to catch anyone offguard. It probably doesn't stand out much to her peers, many of whom probably act the same way, and everyone older than her knows well enough that it's probably a phase. I know it hardly registers in my mind when a teenager says something that doesn't seem very self-aware.
posted by Nattie at 8:03 PM on March 12, 2010


Response by poster: I'd also like to say something else about my "unsafe" comment in the question, because I couldn't think of a way to articulate it earlier....I think it just makes me uncomfortable because I feel like her looking to total strangers for validation/approval makes her more vulnerable to them? if that makes any sense... Like I feel like some unscrupulous person could really take advantage of her by playing to her ego. Maybe that's an over-reaction, I dunno. It just makes me worry.
posted by cottonswab at 8:04 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


It's super that your daughter feels good about herself and is doing interesting, rewarding things. However, as someone whose mother is exactly like this--talking about what she does with total strangers; having no interest in others; bragging about everything--I wouldn't assume she'll grow out of it. Maybe she's just egocentric.
posted by sfkiddo at 9:41 PM on March 12, 2010


cottonswab, I think you're right on the money about feeling uncomfortable because of the validation/approval angle.

For better or for worse, that's what teenagers do - look for validation in the wrong places. It's a battle you can't help her with, though; you can only treat the wounds when she comes limping in from friendship dissolution/nasty breakup/other. And that's okay. That's what parents are there for and it's awesome when they do that.

Your daughter sounds reasonably smart. Some people spend their whole lives getting screwed over because of their egos. It will probably only happen once or twice with her.
posted by smoke at 10:06 PM on March 12, 2010


It's got to feel like you're being put down, if your parent tells you that you are X kind of person and nobody likes X kind of person.

Also once you get out into the professional world, and have been long taught that it's unbecoming to say anything about your own accomplishments, well.. that's how women make less than men and get passed over for promotions.
posted by citron at 10:18 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


Read this Tiger Beatdown post immediately: Girl Culture and the Race to the Bottom. It discusses the way female bullies choose their victims by picking on the girl who seems most confident.

When I read it, I was struck with shame over my lifelong discomfort with people who strike me as more confident than I thought they ought to be - what nonsense! The world will beat your daughter down plenty, like it does with the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong - some people really do still strike me as obnoxious braggarts. But this doesn't really correlate to whether or not they talk about their awesomeness; it correlates to whether they show interest and enthusiasm about other people's awesomeness, too.

Maybe instead of telling your daughter to stop talking about herself, you can engage her in more discussions about what other people are doing, too? Or brainstorm together on how to draw people out of their shell and find out what their passions are? As an extra perk, it's really a lot of fun to explore people that way!
posted by Eshkol at 10:20 PM on March 12, 2010 [2 favorites]


This is your first crack at parenting a teenager, isn't it?

Brace yourself.
posted by flabdablet at 11:57 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]




"I think it just makes me uncomfortable because I feel like her looking to total strangers for validation/approval makes her more vulnerable to them? if that makes any sense... Like I feel like some unscrupulous person could really take advantage of her by playing to her ego. Maybe that's an over-reaction, I dunno. It just makes me worry."

I hear you loud and clear on this. Confidence is one thing, sending out signals that predators can pick up on is another.

From your explanation, I would want to be certain that her comments are simply expressions of confidence, and not shot-in-the-dark, subconcious pleas for attention. If they are the latter, maybe she needs to be made aware of the type of person who makes it their business to identify, hone in on and prey on kids who send out such signals.

I am not saying you need to scare her, but somehow find a way to determine why she feels the need to seek affirmation outside her regular sphere of contact and address it as you see fit.

What is she expecting in return when she makes these statements to strangers? Does she seem disappointed if they don't praise her or express admiration? Does her mood or demeanor change if they don't react/respond positively? Can you tell if it's goal-seeking behavior or just a kid happy to blow her own horn?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:32 AM on March 13, 2010


Meant to add, if you do find that she's dealing with a need to validate herself, it would be valuable to get that knowledge now and steer her toward alternate ways of filling that well. If she can't feel successful or accomplished unless others tell her so, that would be something I would want to work on sooner rather than later.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:44 AM on March 13, 2010


Can you explain more specifically why you feel that her talking about her activities and interests is bragging?

I mean, she might be bragging, but she might just be making conversation about things that interest her, too, and I can't tell from your question which is which. Talking about oneself might be self-involved, but it's not necessarily bragging.

Is it a tone of voice she uses or the specific words she chooses?
posted by jacquilynne at 9:34 PM on March 13, 2010


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