Doomed?
March 11, 2010 8:15 AM Subscribe
Is this relationship doomed?
I love my girlfriend. But her ex-boyfriend is apparently a "part of her family". They broke up years ago, but here's the kicker. All three of us work together. They sleep at each other's homes as friends. She openly admits that she loves him.
I'm fairly sure there is nothing sexual going on here, but she will go out of her way to try and avoid any discussion about this topic. I love her so much, and when we spend time together things are so amazing. But I just find it so hard to deal with the fact that she has sleepovers with her ex. And I feel so guilty asking questions like where does he sleep, and I feel like she doesn't empathise with me on this. To her it's just a friend etc. And every time I raise it, it becomes an issue about how much I trust her.
And now, because I've told her I had a problem with it, she has started lying to me about it. By omission admittedly. I texted her, and she didn't reply, and I didn't realise he had stayed with her til I saw them in at the same time at work the next morning.
And she seems to be looking for reasons to be annoyed at me. Things that aren't even my fault, or little misunderstandings that she tries to take as proof that I don't care about her.
Is my gut right? Is this relationship doomed?
I love my girlfriend. But her ex-boyfriend is apparently a "part of her family". They broke up years ago, but here's the kicker. All three of us work together. They sleep at each other's homes as friends. She openly admits that she loves him.
I'm fairly sure there is nothing sexual going on here, but she will go out of her way to try and avoid any discussion about this topic. I love her so much, and when we spend time together things are so amazing. But I just find it so hard to deal with the fact that she has sleepovers with her ex. And I feel so guilty asking questions like where does he sleep, and I feel like she doesn't empathise with me on this. To her it's just a friend etc. And every time I raise it, it becomes an issue about how much I trust her.
And now, because I've told her I had a problem with it, she has started lying to me about it. By omission admittedly. I texted her, and she didn't reply, and I didn't realise he had stayed with her til I saw them in at the same time at work the next morning.
And she seems to be looking for reasons to be annoyed at me. Things that aren't even my fault, or little misunderstandings that she tries to take as proof that I don't care about her.
Is my gut right? Is this relationship doomed?
doomed.
wait. work together?
double doomed. now you need to find a new job, too.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:20 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
wait. work together?
double doomed. now you need to find a new job, too.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:20 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes. It's doomed. She still wants this other guy, and is probably still physically involved with him. If she's not, she will be.
Please try to really read what you've written here. She loves someone else, she secretly spends time with him, she secretly stays the night with him, and she's picking on you for everything.
And that "you just don't trust me!" shit is classic cheater behavior.
posted by Coatlicue at 8:21 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Please try to really read what you've written here. She loves someone else, she secretly spends time with him, she secretly stays the night with him, and she's picking on you for everything.
And that "you just don't trust me!" shit is classic cheater behavior.
posted by Coatlicue at 8:21 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
"And she seems to be looking for reasons to be annoyed at me. Things that aren't even my fault, or little misunderstandings that she tries to take as proof that I don't care about her."
She's already done, now just trying to make it your fault when the inevitable comes. Don't let it come to that, just cut your losses now.
posted by amethysts at 8:21 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
She's already done, now just trying to make it your fault when the inevitable comes. Don't let it come to that, just cut your losses now.
posted by amethysts at 8:21 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I suggest you read the answers to this question. Most of them apply to you. (Yes, it's doomed.)
posted by meerkatty at 8:21 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by meerkatty at 8:21 AM on March 11, 2010
Chiming in with what's been said above but I'm wondering: how long have you two been dating? What's your current relationship status? Was this ex gone and then returned?
posted by dzaz at 8:22 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by dzaz at 8:22 AM on March 11, 2010
she will go out of her way to try and avoid any discussion about this topic
This, above anything, is a red flag for me. My first instinct is that her ex is gay but in the closet, and she doesn't want to discuss it for fear of work repercussions.
Why do you want to remain in a relationship with a woman that doesn't trust you or respect your feelings?
posted by muddgirl at 8:23 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
This, above anything, is a red flag for me. My first instinct is that her ex is gay but in the closet, and she doesn't want to discuss it for fear of work repercussions.
Why do you want to remain in a relationship with a woman that doesn't trust you or respect your feelings?
posted by muddgirl at 8:23 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Is my gut right?
Guts: rarely eloquent, but usually right, at least in my experience.
There's information you don't give that might be important in deciding whether or not you trust that her relationship with the ex is going to head in directions you don't like. (How long ago were they together? How long did that relationship last? Were they bestest friends who briefly tried to make it romantic and then gave up on the idea, or was this a passionate six-year relationship that doesn't quite seem to have ended?) But the main point is that she's already doing something you don't like, and that you have every right to ask some questions about - and she's responding to your totally reasonable concerns by finding excuses to be annoyed with you. Not good, that. Not good at all.
posted by Catseye at 8:24 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Guts: rarely eloquent, but usually right, at least in my experience.
There's information you don't give that might be important in deciding whether or not you trust that her relationship with the ex is going to head in directions you don't like. (How long ago were they together? How long did that relationship last? Were they bestest friends who briefly tried to make it romantic and then gave up on the idea, or was this a passionate six-year relationship that doesn't quite seem to have ended?) But the main point is that she's already doing something you don't like, and that you have every right to ask some questions about - and she's responding to your totally reasonable concerns by finding excuses to be annoyed with you. Not good, that. Not good at all.
posted by Catseye at 8:24 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your girlfriend has sleepovers at her ex boyfriend's house? WTF?? Your exclusive relationship with her is not doomed...it just never was.
posted by murrey at 8:24 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by murrey at 8:24 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I wish people who post anonymous relationship questions would specify some basic background info -- the ages of people involved, the length of your relationship, the history between the two of them, etc. This kind of thing is ALWAYS relevant.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for asking her about this. She's the one who should feel guilty about not being willing to talk to you about this.
Not only is muddgirl right about the "red flag" of her not being willing to communicate with you -- your whole question is nothing but giant red flags.
Look at it this way: the situation is so messed up that you're probably close to breaking up (even taking your question at face value that you haven't broken up already without you knowing it). So, you might as well have a completely open, honest, blunt conversation about it to try to salvage things.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for asking her about this. She's the one who should feel guilty about not being willing to talk to you about this.
Not only is muddgirl right about the "red flag" of her not being willing to communicate with you -- your whole question is nothing but giant red flags.
Look at it this way: the situation is so messed up that you're probably close to breaking up (even taking your question at face value that you haven't broken up already without you knowing it). So, you might as well have a completely open, honest, blunt conversation about it to try to salvage things.
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is so far beyond doomed that it's hard to not crack jokes about it.
Really, most of those signals alone are signs that the relationship is probably doomed. Ex sleeping over? Check. Lies by omission about ex? Check. Declares love for ex? Doomed without question, check.
Exit as gracefully as you can. She's still attached to him, you can see it, and your relationship with her simply isn't going to work. Start putting in applications elsewhere, unless you have the good fortune of working in an unrelated department and can avoid holding a grudge over the matter. You know what? Still put applications in elsewhere. You don't have to leave, but if you get that option, you might find it attractive.
posted by Saydur at 8:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Really, most of those signals alone are signs that the relationship is probably doomed. Ex sleeping over? Check. Lies by omission about ex? Check. Declares love for ex? Doomed without question, check.
Exit as gracefully as you can. She's still attached to him, you can see it, and your relationship with her simply isn't going to work. Start putting in applications elsewhere, unless you have the good fortune of working in an unrelated department and can avoid holding a grudge over the matter. You know what? Still put applications in elsewhere. You don't have to leave, but if you get that option, you might find it attractive.
posted by Saydur at 8:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it's totally fine to maintain close relationships with previous partners. However, if she can't empathize with your situation, and turns things around to make you look like the bad guy when you ask questions about where they sleep, then you are safe to assume either (a) she is hiding something from you and being manipulative, or (b) she is extremely inconsiderate. Both are bad.
posted by molecicco at 8:28 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by molecicco at 8:28 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
This isn't just doomed, it was doomed from before you ever had a relationship (let alone "exclusive") judging by her actions around and towards you. While you're at it, find another division, or even better another job if you can.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:30 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by zombieflanders at 8:30 AM on March 11, 2010
I had a girlfriend who did this. She had a distant ex that would hang out a lot and sometimes stay at her house. She pooh-pooh'd any objections I had and told me that it was all in the past. I thought it was weird, but I tried to be an adult about it and give her the benefit of the doubt.
They're married now (But in a loveless marriage and she wants to divorce him! Jokes on her!)
Time to get out before you're humiliated.
posted by orville sash at 8:30 AM on March 11, 2010 [10 favorites]
They're married now (But in a loveless marriage and she wants to divorce him! Jokes on her!)
Time to get out before you're humiliated.
posted by orville sash at 8:30 AM on March 11, 2010 [10 favorites]
I think this technically qualifies as cheating - emotionally. They don't have to be having sex to make it cheating. She's closer to him than you, and she's lying to you about it, plus turning the tables to make you the guilty party.
posted by lizbunny at 8:41 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by lizbunny at 8:41 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Try to bow out gently, without too much of a fuss, and you might still be able to have a pleasant work environment.
Continuing the 'relationship' is not going to end well.
posted by HFSH at 8:41 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Continuing the 'relationship' is not going to end well.
posted by HFSH at 8:41 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dude, she wants to break up with you and she doesn't know how. She's certainly lying to you, and probably cheating on you, and you'd be better off getting far far away from the situation.
If you're in a relationship you have the right to request honesty and boundaries. Unless you're in an open relationship, I just don't see how sleepovers like this are ever going to be ok, especially if they make you feel uneasy.
posted by ged at 8:44 AM on March 11, 2010
If you're in a relationship you have the right to request honesty and boundaries. Unless you're in an open relationship, I just don't see how sleepovers like this are ever going to be ok, especially if they make you feel uneasy.
posted by ged at 8:44 AM on March 11, 2010
Not to be too pointed about it, but I'm pretty sure she's already dumped you.
It's a shame she didn't actually let you know.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 8:45 AM on March 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
It's a shame she didn't actually let you know.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 8:45 AM on March 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
The answer to "Is my gut right?" is always "yes".
posted by ged at 8:46 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by ged at 8:46 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yes, your relationship is doomed.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:53 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:53 AM on March 11, 2010
Are you fucking serious? She's convinced you that YOU'RE in the wrong for feeling very uneasy about her sleeping at an ex's house? Fucking seriously? That's some manipulative shit.
I highly, highly doubt she's using his place just as a hotel. Obviously I have no idea what's going on but this is highly fucking weird. Let's think about Occam's Razor here. Seriously.
So, for those who are keeping score here, we've definitely got:
1. manipulative
2. insensitive
3. argumentative
4. uncommunicative
5. avoidant
And we've very possibly got:
1. unfaithful
2. unsafe sexual practices
I would love to know what's so fabulous about this woman that you tolerate all of the above. I know you have good times, etc. but really, all of them come with this big price tag that is absolutely not going away. She's made her decision and you're not the decision she made. As others have said, leave with your dignity and bow out now.
posted by December at 8:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I highly, highly doubt she's using his place just as a hotel. Obviously I have no idea what's going on but this is highly fucking weird. Let's think about Occam's Razor here. Seriously.
So, for those who are keeping score here, we've definitely got:
1. manipulative
2. insensitive
3. argumentative
4. uncommunicative
5. avoidant
And we've very possibly got:
1. unfaithful
2. unsafe sexual practices
I would love to know what's so fabulous about this woman that you tolerate all of the above. I know you have good times, etc. but really, all of them come with this big price tag that is absolutely not going away. She's made her decision and you're not the decision she made. As others have said, leave with your dignity and bow out now.
posted by December at 8:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're getting played. Leave now before any more damage can be done.
posted by rancidchickn at 8:57 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by rancidchickn at 8:57 AM on March 11, 2010
This is not at all a question of you wanting to "control" your girlfriend; it's an issue of communication and trust. It doesn't really matter what's going on or not going on with her ex--the point is that she doesn't trust you enough to be honest and open about it. No trust, no relationship.
posted by Go Banana at 8:59 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Go Banana at 8:59 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You should have started crafting your tell-off like yesterday. Seriously, your relationship with this girl is over already.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:04 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by WeekendJen at 9:04 AM on March 11, 2010
Do we have to bring up nonmonogamy in every relationship question even when it doesn't apply to the situation? Because if this woman was into nonmonogamy and was honest about it with her partners that would be just fine and this would be a very different question. But she's not that honest, nonmonogamous person. She's an adult; she could be that person. But she's not, she's just being an asshole to the OP.
I think DTMFA is far, far overused on AskMe. But, geez, DTMFA. Your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong with the situation. Secret sleepovers with her "ex"-bf that she loves? So, so far from acceptable.
posted by 6550 at 9:05 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think DTMFA is far, far overused on AskMe. But, geez, DTMFA. Your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong with the situation. Secret sleepovers with her "ex"-bf that she loves? So, so far from acceptable.
posted by 6550 at 9:05 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
You cannot DTMFA fast enough in this case. Next time, set some proper boundaries. You have our permission to deem sleepovers w/ exes (seriously, WTF?) as a dealbreaker with future girlfriends. So sorry you gotta go through this. Feel free to memail me if you'd like a story or two about why getting out now is a good thing.
posted by EatTheWeek at 9:23 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by EatTheWeek at 9:23 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You talk about how much you love her and how amazing you think your time with her is. What does she think?
She says she loves this other guy. You don't say if she also says she loves you. You do say that she seems to be seeking reasons to get mad at you. That doesn't sound like she finds your time together as amazing as you do.
Honestly, it sounds like you have a crush on her and she's putting up with it for the moment. That's not a relationship, though. And it's not going to end well for you.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:31 AM on March 11, 2010
She says she loves this other guy. You don't say if she also says she loves you. You do say that she seems to be seeking reasons to get mad at you. That doesn't sound like she finds your time together as amazing as you do.
Honestly, it sounds like you have a crush on her and she's putting up with it for the moment. That's not a relationship, though. And it's not going to end well for you.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:31 AM on March 11, 2010
"she has sleepovers with her ex"
I am assuming you want a monogamous relationship with this person.
You don't have one.
Your gut is correct in this situation. A strong relationship is built on trust, and mutual respect. By your description, you have neither of those things.
posted by archivist at 9:34 AM on March 11, 2010
I am assuming you want a monogamous relationship with this person.
You don't have one.
Your gut is correct in this situation. A strong relationship is built on trust, and mutual respect. By your description, you have neither of those things.
posted by archivist at 9:34 AM on March 11, 2010
Mod note: few comments removed - OP has explained his relationship. DTMFA and "go poly" are not helpful beyond an initial mention, thanks
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:37 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:37 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yep, doomed. Your situation is a little unusual since it's usually the guy doing "his thing" and the girl waiting for him to "get over it" and settle down with her -- but despite the role reversal, the result will be the same in the long run. When "that" time comes, they're going to pair off and you're out (if you're still around). If you're into such things, I suppose you could enjoy the relationship while it lasts, such as it is... but definitely don't go planning your future around it.
Competing with the ghost of an ex- who died while they were still happily loved is impossible enough as it is -- doing so with the living and still happily loved... yikes.
posted by Pufferish at 9:50 AM on March 11, 2010
Competing with the ghost of an ex- who died while they were still happily loved is impossible enough as it is -- doing so with the living and still happily loved... yikes.
posted by Pufferish at 9:50 AM on March 11, 2010
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are being manipulated by her putting the ball in your court with the 'trust' issue.
This is not a trust issue. It is a boundary issue. And it is your issue. It sounds like you are giving up your boundaries because you "love her so much".
Also, are you really seeing her for who she is? Someone who (from your post) lies, who is constantly annoyed with you, who sleeps with her ex, who loves her ex, and who makes you feel guilty for trying to have your needs met?
I think you deserve better. Simply by the fact that everyone deserves better. Start from there.
posted by Vaike at 9:55 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is not a trust issue. It is a boundary issue. And it is your issue. It sounds like you are giving up your boundaries because you "love her so much".
Also, are you really seeing her for who she is? Someone who (from your post) lies, who is constantly annoyed with you, who sleeps with her ex, who loves her ex, and who makes you feel guilty for trying to have your needs met?
I think you deserve better. Simply by the fact that everyone deserves better. Start from there.
posted by Vaike at 9:55 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
The sleepovers clearly violate the boundaries of your relationship. But your girlfriend doesn't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, but your gut is right.
posted by halonine at 9:59 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by halonine at 9:59 AM on March 11, 2010
Chiming in with a vote for doomed, but one other possibility to consider.
Is it possible that their relationship completely fizzled out sexually/romantically and now really do view each other as brother and sister? It's not impossible. You say they've been broken up for years, and I'll presume they had ample opportunity to get back together in the time since. They haven't. Why?
posted by fontophilic at 10:03 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is it possible that their relationship completely fizzled out sexually/romantically and now really do view each other as brother and sister? It's not impossible. You say they've been broken up for years, and I'll presume they had ample opportunity to get back together in the time since. They haven't. Why?
posted by fontophilic at 10:03 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd go beyond "doomed" and call this thing DOA. The good news is, I don't think that you actually have to go through the process of dumping her. It seems that it's already finished, and you might as well jst ask someone else out. (Easier if it's not at work this time, but YMMV.)
posted by Citrus at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by Citrus at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2010
No one can predict if a relationship is doomed for sure, but generally if you have to ask. And that's especially true on metafilter. But I would try not to get too emotionally invested in this girl
posted by delmoi at 10:44 AM on March 11, 2010
posted by delmoi at 10:44 AM on March 11, 2010
Is my gut right? Is this relationship doomed?
You get to set your own boundaries. If you are OK dating someone who openly states that they are in love with an Ex that they still hang out with and have sleepovers with, then, it is not doomed.
Otherwise, doomed.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:12 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You get to set your own boundaries. If you are OK dating someone who openly states that they are in love with an Ex that they still hang out with and have sleepovers with, then, it is not doomed.
Otherwise, doomed.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:12 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's been said before, but it's still good advice: Believe what people tell you about themselves. She says she's in love with someone else. Are you really ok with that?
posted by Space Kitty at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2010
posted by Space Kitty at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2010
You're not being treated well, and I agree with everyone that that's a bad indicator for the relationship.
As to what you should do, I don't think it's completely one-sided. Of course you can dump her now, you have ample justification (if you think any justification is necessary). Some people only feel in control if they are the dumper rather than the dumpee, and if that's a concern of yours then yeah you should get on it.
But you have an opportunity to de-escalate this relationship without cutting it off, if that's psychologically possible for you. If you think of her as someone you enjoy spending time with, rather than someone you LOVE, you may find that the things that really bother you right now are not very important. And that could be nice.
Anyway, seems like you have to disengage somehow. If she, um, really cares, and that bothers her, she can always let you know.
posted by grobstein at 1:15 PM on March 11, 2010
As to what you should do, I don't think it's completely one-sided. Of course you can dump her now, you have ample justification (if you think any justification is necessary). Some people only feel in control if they are the dumper rather than the dumpee, and if that's a concern of yours then yeah you should get on it.
But you have an opportunity to de-escalate this relationship without cutting it off, if that's psychologically possible for you. If you think of her as someone you enjoy spending time with, rather than someone you LOVE, you may find that the things that really bother you right now are not very important. And that could be nice.
Anyway, seems like you have to disengage somehow. If she, um, really cares, and that bothers her, she can always let you know.
posted by grobstein at 1:15 PM on March 11, 2010
The foundation of any relationship is trust. She is doing a lot to hurt your trust in her and doesn't consider it to be a big deal. If she is unwilling to address that, then you're looking at a major, major red flag. At the very least it means she's unwilling to compromise with you on something that's important with you, at the worst she's boning the guy. Get out if she won't reason about it.
posted by kryptonik at 1:28 PM on March 11, 2010
posted by kryptonik at 1:28 PM on March 11, 2010
Your soon to be ex-girlfriend does not have a reasonable definition of trust. For people preferring a normal definition of monogamy in relationships (basically everyone who wishes to be in a monogamous relationship) no sleepovers with the ex is not even on the board as debatable rules. End it because if you don't she's going to do it in a nasty, messy way, all the while making you out to be to blame for it all.
posted by nanojath at 1:32 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by nanojath at 1:32 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
As a data point: I have an ex-girlfriend who I am still very close with (hurray for good break-ups!). Anyways, we do say "love you" because, well, we still love eachother but are no longer "in love" with eachother. I actually just stayed at her place when I was out West (hurray for the Olympics!).
All that being said, if I had a girlfriend right now, I would have made different living arrangements for my trip out there and stayed at another friend's house instead. This would be regardless whether or not my hypothetical girlfriend expressed any reservations about it.
I would say that the fact she is still very close with her ex and they tell eachother that they love eachother is not necessarily a red flag in itself, but coupled with the other stuff (avoiding talking about it, getting angry at every little thing) is most definitely a concern.
posted by Anizev at 1:34 PM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
All that being said, if I had a girlfriend right now, I would have made different living arrangements for my trip out there and stayed at another friend's house instead. This would be regardless whether or not my hypothetical girlfriend expressed any reservations about it.
I would say that the fact she is still very close with her ex and they tell eachother that they love eachother is not necessarily a red flag in itself, but coupled with the other stuff (avoiding talking about it, getting angry at every little thing) is most definitely a concern.
posted by Anizev at 1:34 PM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
No, dude, everything is fine! Your situation is perfectly normal, you're freaking out over nothing. When you are paying child support for another man's child your journey will be complete. Have fun! Start giving her money, too. Get a hotel room once in a while so your love and her ex can stay at her home sometimes. It's only fair so they can feel comfortable. Why are you so selfish?
Cut your losses and move on, without a goodbye.
posted by eccnineten at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2010
Cut your losses and move on, without a goodbye.
posted by eccnineten at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2010
My brother's part of my family, and he and I don't have sleepovers, and I don't go around rhapsodizing about how much I love him.
Aside from that though there are some behaviors that are gigantic warning signals to me, regardless of what the situation is. The ones that your gf is displaying are:
1) You try to tell her about how you feel/a problem you are having, and rather than communicate about it and work it out in good faith, she responds by trying to shame you. ("You just don't trust me.")
Shaming is THE biggest sign to me that a person is manipulative/dishonest.
2) You've caught her lying to/hiding things from you.
I think people who lie are not good people to be in relationships with, period. (I count lying by omission and simply being misleading as lying, the point is that they're not upfront people.) What's especially ironic about this is she did this after she just lectured you about how you should trust her more! Sorry, but I think you're perfectly reasonable not to trust someone secretive and sneaky.
Finally, I hate to say this, but the fact that she's looking for reasons to be mad at you is often a warning sign that you are about to be dumped, soon.
I would dump her if I were you.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:39 PM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Aside from that though there are some behaviors that are gigantic warning signals to me, regardless of what the situation is. The ones that your gf is displaying are:
1) You try to tell her about how you feel/a problem you are having, and rather than communicate about it and work it out in good faith, she responds by trying to shame you. ("You just don't trust me.")
Shaming is THE biggest sign to me that a person is manipulative/dishonest.
2) You've caught her lying to/hiding things from you.
I think people who lie are not good people to be in relationships with, period. (I count lying by omission and simply being misleading as lying, the point is that they're not upfront people.) What's especially ironic about this is she did this after she just lectured you about how you should trust her more! Sorry, but I think you're perfectly reasonable not to trust someone secretive and sneaky.
Finally, I hate to say this, but the fact that she's looking for reasons to be mad at you is often a warning sign that you are about to be dumped, soon.
I would dump her if I were you.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:39 PM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think it's actually possible that she's not fooling around with her ex. I just think it's really ridiculous that she would think you should be cool with her sleeping over at his place, and that she won't stop doing it. You're not asking a lot and you obviously do trust her a lot to allow her to continue to do it. She may think she's being completely reasonable because she's not cheating, but no one in their right mind wants to have a relationship with someone who spends their nights with their ex-boyfriend instead of with them. Dump her. After enough guys dump her for the same reason, maybe she'll get the message.
posted by Nattie at 2:23 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Nattie at 2:23 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Sweetie, I love you so much, and when we spend time together things are so amazing. But I just find it so hard to deal with the fact that you have sleepovers with your ex. Your relationship with him is so intimate that I don't think there's room for me. I've tried to discuss it with you, but I don't feel that's been successful."
Give her a chance to speak. Then tell her that as long as she has an intimate (sexual or not) relationship with a former bf, you don't feel that the relationship is sustainable.
posted by theora55 at 2:33 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Give her a chance to speak. Then tell her that as long as she has an intimate (sexual or not) relationship with a former bf, you don't feel that the relationship is sustainable.
posted by theora55 at 2:33 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Jesus you're a bunch of cynical fuckers.
FWIW I am friends with all of my exes. I still love all of my exes, too - why wouldn't I? The girlfriend is not saying she's in love with the ex; she's saying she loves him. I'm sure she loves her sister, her cousin, many of her best friends and her dog, too. I'm really unclear as to why loving someone you slept with X years ago gets a special category of suspicion.
I have been on several vacations with one of them, and none of those vacations involved any sex or any sexual contact at all. And believe me, that is not because I am some sort of paragon of virtue or particularly gifted at monogamy, either. It's because that simply doesn't make up part of how I see that person or react to them emotionally any more. We're just friends.
And yes, I'm married and yes, my partner knows all this and no, he doesn't have an issue with it. He knows I've built a life I love with him and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardise that.
So whatever - the situation your girlfriend describes is perfectly plausible to me. That said, different people have different thresholds for jealousy and insecurity and should probably make an effort to be with partners who are very well matched in that department. It sounds like you guys are not so much.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:50 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
FWIW I am friends with all of my exes. I still love all of my exes, too - why wouldn't I? The girlfriend is not saying she's in love with the ex; she's saying she loves him. I'm sure she loves her sister, her cousin, many of her best friends and her dog, too. I'm really unclear as to why loving someone you slept with X years ago gets a special category of suspicion.
I have been on several vacations with one of them, and none of those vacations involved any sex or any sexual contact at all. And believe me, that is not because I am some sort of paragon of virtue or particularly gifted at monogamy, either. It's because that simply doesn't make up part of how I see that person or react to them emotionally any more. We're just friends.
And yes, I'm married and yes, my partner knows all this and no, he doesn't have an issue with it. He knows I've built a life I love with him and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardise that.
So whatever - the situation your girlfriend describes is perfectly plausible to me. That said, different people have different thresholds for jealousy and insecurity and should probably make an effort to be with partners who are very well matched in that department. It sounds like you guys are not so much.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:50 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
and yes, my partner knows all this and no, he doesn't have an issue with it
This == communication. You know what ISN'T communication?
posted by muddgirl at 2:59 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
This == communication. You know what ISN'T communication?
she will go out of her way to try and avoid any discussion about this topic...Please, assume that the rest of us are answering in good faith. Of COURSE we have friends or ex-lovers that we are close to. Perhaps that we even love. BUT we are OPEN about the situation with our current lovers. Just like you clearly are.
posted by muddgirl at 2:59 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Benefit of doubt is one thing, keeping your dignity is another. The latter is always yours to maintain and others can't treat you any better than you treat yourself.
Get a new girl and a new job.
And yes, "gut feelings" are almost always right.
posted by xm at 10:37 PM on March 11, 2010
Get a new girl and a new job.
And yes, "gut feelings" are almost always right.
posted by xm at 10:37 PM on March 11, 2010
Came in to second theora55.
I agree — red-flag football, the gut and all. However, humans also have the amazing ability to refine their inner narratives into plotlines that can come as a complete surprise to fellow witnesses of the same events. What to you was a rational discussion of her habits and relationship with this "ex" may have been to her a HUMUNGOUS, IRRATIONAL JELOUS HISSY FIT that she is now cowering and ducking from at all costs, which would explain the non-communicativeness. We on the intertubes have no way to tell.
I also agree that omission is just as destructive to trust as a boldface lie. But please, step back if you can and ask yourself honestly what your part is in creating the situation. Years ago I had been unfaithful to a very significant other. SO's method of inquiry consisted of an insecurity-fueled tirade somewhere along the lines of "So you went out and found someone younger because you're bored with me???!!?1!!!?" to which I honestly replied NO, because that wasn't what happened, however the leading question and the verbal attack did make it impossible for me to open up about what HAD happened at that moment.
As others in the thread have pointed out, it is possible to be friends with ex-s. You yourself say "I'm fairly sure there is nothing sexual going on..."
Since you seem to care, please make the effort to have a straightforward discussion using the script theora55 has given you. Try and create an open space where you are sure you are being clearly heard with regard to your boundaries (no sleepovers, right? or is it not okay, at this point, for them to be friends at all?), and where she can speak her truth without fear of being trashed. Maybe she does need to tell you she slept with him, but doesn't want to lose you. Maybe she's freaking out because your behavior reminds her of situations in her past. Her rationalizations might not make sense to you. They might not make sense to HER once she starts hearing them out loud.
It may not work. But you will know that you've made every effort to be a clear communicator, and take the high road in the name of love. YOU are the only element of this situation that is in your control.
Your gut MAY just be telling you that communication in this relationship is at an impasse and that it is stressful.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 11:41 PM on March 11, 2010
I agree — red-flag football, the gut and all. However, humans also have the amazing ability to refine their inner narratives into plotlines that can come as a complete surprise to fellow witnesses of the same events. What to you was a rational discussion of her habits and relationship with this "ex" may have been to her a HUMUNGOUS, IRRATIONAL JELOUS HISSY FIT that she is now cowering and ducking from at all costs, which would explain the non-communicativeness. We on the intertubes have no way to tell.
I also agree that omission is just as destructive to trust as a boldface lie. But please, step back if you can and ask yourself honestly what your part is in creating the situation. Years ago I had been unfaithful to a very significant other. SO's method of inquiry consisted of an insecurity-fueled tirade somewhere along the lines of "So you went out and found someone younger because you're bored with me???!!?1!!!?" to which I honestly replied NO, because that wasn't what happened, however the leading question and the verbal attack did make it impossible for me to open up about what HAD happened at that moment.
As others in the thread have pointed out, it is possible to be friends with ex-s. You yourself say "I'm fairly sure there is nothing sexual going on..."
Since you seem to care, please make the effort to have a straightforward discussion using the script theora55 has given you. Try and create an open space where you are sure you are being clearly heard with regard to your boundaries (no sleepovers, right? or is it not okay, at this point, for them to be friends at all?), and where she can speak her truth without fear of being trashed. Maybe she does need to tell you she slept with him, but doesn't want to lose you. Maybe she's freaking out because your behavior reminds her of situations in her past. Her rationalizations might not make sense to you. They might not make sense to HER once she starts hearing them out loud.
It may not work. But you will know that you've made every effort to be a clear communicator, and take the high road in the name of love. YOU are the only element of this situation that is in your control.
Your gut MAY just be telling you that communication in this relationship is at an impasse and that it is stressful.
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 11:41 PM on March 11, 2010
maybe is it just me...but i am a firm believer that if you are in a committed relationship, you should be the #1 person in their life and vice versa. clearly, from what you post, it does not sound like you are #1 in her life. do you really want this? are you comfortable with this spot? from my personal experience and observations of people having been in this situation, the SO taking the backseat to the lingering ex never wins. she is obviously clinging to him. there is obviously history, perhaps stronger than what you two share. either way, you are not numero uno in her life and no one deserves that.
posted by penguingrl at 2:52 AM on March 12, 2010
posted by penguingrl at 2:52 AM on March 12, 2010
I'm super close with my ex and have been for 10 years, love him, and def consider him part of the family (or rather his family consider me part of theirs!). If I was dating someone who had a problem with that, I would seriously reconsider whether the person I was dating was suitable.
BUT when I stay at his, I make it VERY CLEAR that's where I'm going, sleep on the sofa, and answer all calls/texts from my boyfriend. It's not that she has a close ex that's the problem, it's that she's lying to you and it doesn't really matter who the guy is she's lying to you about.
posted by Cuppatea at 2:59 AM on March 12, 2010
BUT when I stay at his, I make it VERY CLEAR that's where I'm going, sleep on the sofa, and answer all calls/texts from my boyfriend. It's not that she has a close ex that's the problem, it's that she's lying to you and it doesn't really matter who the guy is she's lying to you about.
posted by Cuppatea at 2:59 AM on March 12, 2010
This would be the type of thing I would walk away from without even a goodbye. You'll see them at work; maybe you can channel some energy into your resume.
posted by chrillsicka at 5:29 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by chrillsicka at 5:29 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah I don't know. One person who is technically my ex (and I say technically because he's really just my friend now, and the fact that we were romantic at one point is so secondary to us both that it's almost forgotten) is also my best friend now. Last time I went to visit him, I stayed in his apartment while his now girlfriend wasn't there and it was all totally above board.
However this concerns me: And she seems to be looking for reasons to be annoyed at me. Things that aren't even my fault, or little misunderstandings that she tries to take as proof that I don't care about her. Yeah, that doesn't sound too good. You need to have a sit down about this, or the relationship is doomed for sure.
posted by grapesaresour at 11:56 PM on March 13, 2010
However this concerns me: And she seems to be looking for reasons to be annoyed at me. Things that aren't even my fault, or little misunderstandings that she tries to take as proof that I don't care about her. Yeah, that doesn't sound too good. You need to have a sit down about this, or the relationship is doomed for sure.
posted by grapesaresour at 11:56 PM on March 13, 2010
I'm fairly sure there is nothing sexual going on here...
I'm sorry, your answer is incorrect!
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:40 PM on March 14, 2010
I'm sorry, your answer is incorrect!
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:40 PM on March 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by the foreground at 8:19 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]