sigh.

March 8, 2010 7:11 AM

Is it the depression or am I really just hopeless? More irrational, but firmly believed, info inside.

I'm getting really nervous that I'm just a really hopeless case.

I'm aware that I suffer from depression, and that this can cause feelings of hopelessness, but I've been on meds and in therapy since September, and things just don't seem to be getting any better.

My self-esteem is dismal. I spend much of my time with others thinking about how I am projecting myself. I spend most of my time with my partner worrying that I'm not being funny or charming enough. I spend all of my time at school fretting that I'm incapable.

It's really put a strain on all aspects of my life, and my relationship is something I would really rather not sabotage right now. It's pretty fresh and new and wonderful, and I just keep believing that my wimpy, whiny depression is going to drive my partner away. I also despair that the steps I've taken to get better haven't done much of anything (and this has included dose increases and several therapists).

I also find that when I'm feeling this self conscious I drive my partner away purposely, by acting aloof and distant.

Sigh.

posted by whalebreath to Human Relations (15 answers total)

One of the insidious things about depression is the difficulty in creates in understanding how severely you suffer from it. When I was a teenager, it never occurred to me that crushing daily hopelessness was outside the realm of normal adolescent moodiness.

Today, when I find myself feeling particularly grim, I stop and inventory my life to see if there are any objective facts about my situation to justify feeling that bad. When I find that there aren't, I take another 20 mg of citalopram.

Finding the right meds can take time. It's worth the investment.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:33 AM on March 8, 2010

Seconding what Joe Beese said, but also: have you considered telling your partner about your depression? I'm assuming s/he doesn't know since you state your relationship is "pretty fresh and new and wonderful" and thus in the early magical stages.

If, in a partnership, one of the partners has extremely debilitating depression or other mental illness, it is the other partner's right to decide whether s/he wants to stay in the relationship or not, particularly if it starts becoming taxing on his/her own mental health. However, if you don't tell that person, the chances of you driving him/her away are much higher because s/he doesn't understand what's behind your distant demeanor. The chances of your partner sticking with you through you trying to find the best combination of therapist/drugs/treatments is if s/he knows fully what's wrong, and that it's not him/her that's causing it.

So if you haven't? Please do speak with your partner. Your partner's full support can go a long way, too.
posted by Hakaisha at 7:43 AM on March 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

I think you perhaps haven't found the right mix of meds, therapist, or both. It sounds like you might have a dash of anxiety issues, too. Clearly I'm not a doctor nor your doctor nor your therapist, but when you say you 'worry' and 'fret' on a regular basis, I wonder if there isn't a bit of anxiety in there somewhere.

Keep at it. You'll find the right combination with patience and time. And make sure you're telling your therapist what you told us here.
posted by cooker girl at 7:45 AM on March 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

Agree with cooker. Plus diagnosis might be more than depression. Obsessive thinking could be anxiety or OCD mixed in with depression that results in a different type of meds and/or therapy.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I too suffer from depresison/anxiety and haven't found the right combo of therapy or meds. Just know that you're not alone and we're here to listen. Many hugs and thoughts. Keep going.
posted by stormpooper at 7:51 AM on March 8, 2010

I know this isn't actually an answer, but I don't believe what you posted was exactly a question. But what I have to offer is simple. I too have depression, to an often near crippling degree. But I'm fighting it. You're not alone, not by a long shot. If you ever need someone to listen, to talk to, or someone that might understand what you may be going through, you're welcome to message me.

Even if you don't message me, just know you're not alone.
posted by CapitalWasteland at 8:07 AM on March 8, 2010

Hakaisha's got it re: your relationship. You have to tell her what's going on and, especially, how it makes you act and feel. None of us can predict how she will take it. You have no idea what the results of this will be even though I will bet the depression is having you think that the results will be terrible. However, nothing good will ever come of being aloof and distant with no explanation.

Nothing is as bad as it seems. Leave the house. Be with other people. Exercise. Work hard to get the right treatment. This is going to be a battle, but it is a battle worth fighting for.
posted by griphus at 8:15 AM on March 8, 2010

I want to second what's been said about letting your partner know about how you've been feeling. Awhile ago, I spent a lot of time hiding how much I was suffering from those around me, especially those I was in a relationship with, and that was a terrible decision. Because (for example) my partner didn't know, I constantly worried, like you, about how I came off and when I would finally commit the fatal faux pas or reveal too much, only to be left. It caused me an enormous amount of anxiety and eventually destroyed the relationship.

Let others know how you feel. While you, like me, want more than anything not to come off as "whiny," those who really care about you will not see it that way. Depression is one of the most debilitating and insidious illnesses there is, and the more you can let it out and let others know, the stronger you will be, and the more help you will have in combating the ruminations and repetitive negative thoughts. And hopefully, when your friends and partners are aware of what's going on, you'll have to think a lot less about how you 'project' yourself. This is something I also had a real hard time with at one point. But I realized as soon as I 'came out' to all my friends about my illness that I became much less self-conscious - because I was finally convinced that a) my friends really knew ME b) they actually cared about me a lot, because instead of running away screaming or shrugging off what I said, they stuck with me.

I also think you definitely need to meet with your psychiatrist and see if you can/should alter your meds, as it doesn't seem what you're on is working too well. Your therapist should also be involved in trying to improve where you're at as well.

As far as being 'hopeless' - not at all. There are an amazing amount of different treatment options, and each person's perfect treatment can be vastly different than another's. Seeing as you've only been treated for a couple months now, I would encourage you strongly not to feel 'hopeless.' If your therapist doesn't seem to be helping so much, chuck him/her and get a new one. Same with your psychiatrist. Do anything and everything you can to help yourself. New therapist, new psychiatrist, new meds, or even a new/altered diagnosis all will change where you're at. I've met people who have struggled with depression for decades, who have yet to give up hope, and I've met some for whom it took 10 years to find the perfect prescription of treatments. Not to discourage you more - many people are able to figure out what works best much, much quicker than that - but my point is that with depression, one never has to feel hopeless because there is always another avenue one may try, even if that means ECT or trying out the newest drug.

And the longer you live with the illness, the more used to its tricks you get, and you can become more proficient at shutting off negative trains of thought as they start, rather than after they're already circling in your head uncontrollably. Feel free to PM if you have any other questions, I really feel for you, as I've (even recently) been in a very similar place.
posted by operaposthuma at 8:20 AM on March 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

Hello,

Is it the depression or am I really just hopeless?

It's the depression.

More irrational [...] info inside.

And you know it's the depression.

Hang in there. It might be time to try different meds, but otherwise I think you've chosen a wise course to deal with the overall problem.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:48 AM on March 8, 2010

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. It really helped him to find out exactly what his diagnosis was. He always thought it was just "depression" so when he found out the root cause of the depression, he felt much more hopeful about his chances of finding support groups, finding books, and just dealing with it overall.

So you might find a competent psychiatrist and tell them that you want to get to the bottom of this. "What do I really have" should be a question they can start to help you answer by now.
posted by circular at 8:50 AM on March 8, 2010

Something you might say to your partner: "You are the bright spot in my life. If I seem distant, it is only to keep my darkness from sullying your light." It is not unlikely that's how you feel, in so many words. It is the weirdest thing to have a fabulous relationship, being very in love, and yet be depressed. It happens.
posted by Goofyy at 9:09 AM on March 8, 2010

Just another person chiming in with: it's the depression, you are not hopeless. I'm very familiar with what others are referring to in terms of the insidiousness of depression. It's very hard to see that you are subjecting yourself to self-critical, basically self-abusive thinking, and it builds on itself--at least, that's been my experience.

I won't pretend I know what the best course of action for you is, but ditto what other folks said in terms of trying new treatments: don't give up, if at first you don't succeed...etc. The solution is out there for you. And if you can push yourself to do those things you don't feel like doing like: getting out of the house, exercising, etc., and most importantly sharing this with your partner and friends, you will be better for it in the end.

I think it's also important to remember that this isn't forever--for me, another thing that is insidious about depression is this feeling like situations I'm in are world-ending, like it's not possible things could ever get better. Remember that this, too, shall pass. In and of itself that can be a really circular pattern that gets you down (at least, this is how I am).

I want to emphasize: you are NOT whiny, you are not that small person you seem to be telling yourself that you are, you are great and excellent! Fight hard to remember you are worthwhile and deserve to be treated well, especially by yourself! Truly, it feels so weird to be fighting with your own psyche, I know.

Best wishes to you.
posted by dubitable at 11:15 AM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh yeah, as others have said, also feel free to contact me if you want to talk...I may not be super responsive right now, as I'm going away for a week, so don't take it personally if I don't respond quickly!
posted by dubitable at 11:17 AM on March 8, 2010

Best answer: Oh, buddy, I been where you are. And see the evidence mounting here? It's definitely the depression. You're definitely not hopeless. Absolutely not. Not in the slightest.

Now, when you read that, when you read this thread. notice how that little fucking gremlin wrapped round your brainstem tries to tell you different? Is that interesting, how this infestation you're struggling with right now tries to swarm over any hope you might begin to feel? This is the very modus operandi of depression. But I tell you true that the head that depression is now haunting yours and there are steps you can take immediately to make that head a toxic place for depression to try operating.

There's lots of time-tested methods. Some will recommend volunteer work, others therapy and medication or a healthy change up for your diet. You'll hear that you must get out into the sun and, to be sure, spring is coming right now.

For my part, everything I've mentioned did help a bit, but the thing above all that demolished my brain gremlin was exercise, exercise, exercise and yet more exercise. The most reliable agents of my redemption are my dumbbells and your bike. I'm not sure exactly what yours shall be, but I'm certain that physical activity can only help you. Absolutely, 100%, sure-as-the-sky-is-blue certain, okay? Try a bunch of stuff until you find something you enjoy. Even a daily thirty minutes of walking will get you off to a good start, and if you do this in the ever-brightening sun, so much the better!

At this early stage, even your self-loathing can be fuel for the process. I can recall feeling my endurance flag while I still hated myself, then deciding that if I was such a fucking scumbag then I deserved the physical pain I was putting myself through. Out of this urge to destroy myself, I started pushing the limits of my endurance which is of course when the monster endorphin surges started hitting. It was rapturous, my friend, unbelievably exhilarating.

The point is that depression cannot survive in the neurochemical environment that even semi-regular exercise creates. Beta endorphins are like goddamn kryptonite to that monster in your skull. I promise you, this will happen for you if you keep at it. Just doing the counts is, I found, a welcome change from thinking about what a sack of shit I was. And when the switch flipped, I'd feel like singing after a workout.

Just try it. This works every time, sure as a muscle worked becomes a muscle toned. And just think how far it'll go towards your feeling better when you and your partner start noticing how your body is changing!

Feel free to Memail me if you wanna talk some more.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:46 PM on March 8, 2010 [15 favorites]

You're not a hopeless case.
It can be hard to separate the symptoms of the depression from your own personality, but it's important to try to remember that you are ill. You can get better.

Please stick with the treatment, whatever you find works for you. I started treatment for depression around the same time as you, and I'm just starting to feel a difference. I've not found the perfect solution yet, but I'm starting to feel better. It's very difficult when things just seem to be the same, even though you're taking medication and in therapy, but it does take time, and please try to keep faith that things will get better.

If you haven't told your partner, I'll echo the others here and say that it really might help if you do. I didn't tell my parents about it until very recently, and it's taken a huge amount of stress out of my life. It was hard, but it was harder keeping it a secret, hiding it constantly, and trying to pretend that everything was fine. I also felt guilty, that they thought I was being lazy or something when there was a reason why I wasn't coping with everything like normal. Now that they know, they can start to understand, and start to help as well.

Also, if you want to talk, do message me. Good luck!
posted by pocketfluff at 3:36 PM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

It seems like most people above me already said what I wanted to say, but I just wanted to add a few things.

Depression can be debilitating, and for many people it's difficult just to realize that they need help. That's not an easy task, but you've already managed this, so congratulations! Also, please keep in mind that you've only been at this since September. Depression is not like a flu or a broken arm, you can't just take some medicine and get some rest and be cured in a few months, but it seems that you are on the right track. Also, please remember that just because one medication isn't helpful doesn't mean that all medication won't be helpful; the same is true with therapists. It can be a process to find the right fit for you, and it's not easy.

For me, even getting diagnosed with depression was helpful in me getting better. I started to understand that my abysmal lack of self-esteem, my hopelessness and anxiety might not be because my life was hopeless and miserable and awful, I might feel that way because I am depressed.

I was talking with a friend some time ago, who also went through a period of pretty significant depression, and we both felt that we could take a positive thing away from it. When we started getting better, days that just might be okay for most people, were great days for us. When I could have a day where I didn't have circular self-depreciating thoughts, or feelings of hopelessness, and just get through the day okay, it was like an achievement I could feel good about.

I'll also echo everyone above me and suggest you talk to you partner about it, so they can understand what is going on with you. I don't know about your relationship with your family, but you may want to talk about it with them too. I never wanted my family to know, but when they found out they were surprisingly supportive, and I found out several of my family members had dealt with depression as well.

best of luck, feel free to contact me if you want to talk.
posted by inertia at 4:57 PM on March 10, 2010