How do I stop thinking about self-sabotaging my relationship?
March 8, 2010 5:40 AM   Subscribe

How do I stop myself from having thoughts of self-sabotaging my relationship and being really insecure? I think I need therapy. How do I choose a therapist?

Basically when I am with my boyfriend everything is wonderful. He is outrageously caring and loving and has so many personality traits I would want any partner to have. We have similar tastes in lots of things, everything is peachy keen. For the 3 months of my entire 16 month relationship where I wasn't like this constantly I was definitely thinking he was marriage material.

However when I am away from him I feel like I'm not sure how much longer we're gonna last, which scares me. I think about breaking up a lot but I rationally really feel that is not right at all.

I recently came to the conclusion I am trying to self-sabotage this. I'm so scared he's gonna leave me or we'll otherwise break up and I will get hurt, so I want to leave him. Our relationship is a really good thing but I'm so scared of the end I know will eventually come I want to mess it up.

I also read some stuff about borderline personality disorder and oh god oh god I hope that isn't me, but I found myself identifying with a lot of that stuff. In some ways I want to break up just to create drama in the relationship and see how much he cares about me or something but really I know this is dumb dumb dumb and I really shouldn't do it, even if I think about it all the damn time.

I also find all the tiny negative things with the relationship and bring them up often and my boyfriend gets hurt by this. Honestly our relationship is excellent, or would be excellent if I would stop freaking out! Everything is just so scary. I really think we're gonna break up. Even though everything is excellent. I don't think this is normal at all. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want him to leave me but I'm also scared of staying.

So any advice about this whole thing would be appreciated, but I bet I'm mostly gonna get "see a therapist" and I am really starting to agree.

My parents got divorced when I was 11, there were many allegations of abuse, and it took me years to get over it. It didn't help that my parents acted pretty insane throughout the whole multiple-year long process of their divorce. I think that might have something to do with it, maybe.

So how do I choose a therapist? There are like 10 different types of therapy, which would be best for me?
What do I say when I go to therapy?
Bonus points if you have recommendations for therapists around Detroit.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't really have any advice as to how to choose a therapist, other than asking for recommendations from someone you know, but don't worry about what to say when you get there - your therapist will guide you through the first steps when you get there.

As to diagnosing yourself, please be gentle with yourself. Don't get too worked up about thinking you fall into one or another category right now. It's great that you are taking steps to look at your behavior (which, trust me, isn't a common M.O. for borderlines, so congrats either way on that).

Good luck.
posted by Pax at 6:19 AM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I don't know if it's okay for me to dodge the specific question of finding a therapist, but I hope I may be helpful in giving you something to consider for processing/discussion as you keep working this--

my relationship is also ideal and excellent in every way.

Due also to divorce when I was young, and infidelity in past relationships,
I also have a background that is hard to overcome when it comes to trusting and to live a healthy life with my partner.

I recommend trying to approach therapy as something that will assist you in accessing the methods and the truths that are in you already, like muscles that need to be trained and flexed, as opposed to something that will cure the issue like a wonderdrug-- something outside of you. it takes long-term working and making new realizations about yourself.

specifically, when you are with your boyfriend, try to use an association mechanism, or just a simple mental note, to remember the reality of your genuine relationship; then "take out" that knowledge later when you are alone and struggling, and understand that the sabotaging, or paranoia (or however you've come to identify it)-- doesn't have a chance against what your relationship is truly made of.

sometimes you have to know when you don't feel.
posted by herbplarfegan at 6:40 AM on March 8, 2010 [6 favorites]


Therapy is a good option for you because you are clearly aware of what's going on - you just need some help and an objective perspective to help you step through it. I agree 100% with Pax that your introspective nature isn't common for a BPD.)

I don't have any suggestions on how to find a therapist other than asking friends and those you trust who might know. I can analyze things to death in my head and start spazzing out and it was really helpful to have someone tell me I was spazzing out for no reason.

MeMail me if you need to talk more. I'm happy to listen and offer thoughts or suggestions as needed. You'll be fine. :)
posted by Mysticalchick at 6:41 AM on March 8, 2010


Wow I logged in today to write the exact same question.
I actually did break up with my girlfriend the first time we dated, I think for these reasons. We're back together now, and I go through little spells of acting really aloof towards her just so that she'll have to fight a little for me and thus reaffirm her love and commitment to me. It's messed up!

I'm in therapy and I guess maybe maybe it's starting to help. I would recommend CBT for what you're going through.

Good luck.
posted by whalebreath at 7:03 AM on March 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


I also read some stuff about borderline personality disorder and oh god oh god I hope that isn't me, but I found myself identifying with a lot of that stuff.

It would be extremely unlikely for a Borderline to diagnose themselves or even recognize themselves as such.

There are like 10 different types of therapy, which would be best for me?

I had a lot of the same issues and found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped me a lot. Everyone is different though.

So how do I choose a therapist?

Generally by referral. If you know anyone who has had good therapy, ask their therapist for a recommendation. If you have a good GP, ask them for a recommendation. Failing those, call up the a major university health center and ask them for a recommendation.

You may need to talk to a few different therapists to find the right one for you personally. Don't worry about wasting anyone's time; This is how patients and therapists find each other.

What do I say when I go to therapy?

Bring a print out of this question. Things will flow naturally from there.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:03 AM on March 8, 2010


Do some internet searching in your area with name of city + counselling or therapy referral service. Many areas have this, and for a fee, you go to an intake counselor, who will listen to what your therapy needs are, and then you get to have a session with 3-4 recommended therapists so you can see which one you click with. (If you really don't click, they will send you out to a few more.)
posted by micawber at 11:42 AM on March 8, 2010


Nthing "find referrals and then check them out". Also want to emphasize that one visit does not obligate you, and that many therapists offer a free first visit.

First try to figure out what you want to get OUT of the therapy. Your therapist will not be able to magically fix you - any therapist who claims otherwise is not worth seeing. They will be able to help you figure out why you are feeling the things you feel, and doing the things you do. That will hopefully allow you to change your behavior, but it's you figuring things out, and you do the changing.

So what you should talk about on the first visit are what you're feeling (as you did above), and why you don't like it. Then go with the therapist that you feel engaged with you the best.

Also, you didn't ask, but consider discussing all of the above with your boyfriend.
posted by contrarian at 12:54 PM on March 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


oh yeah, and I agree with you. You need a therapist.
posted by contrarian at 12:54 PM on March 8, 2010


Psychology Today has a pretty good therapist search tool.
posted by hazel at 1:18 PM on March 8, 2010


I have never looked for a professional, but as one that also does some sabotaging in a few relationships, may I suggest journaling? As ridiculous as a "Dear Diary" is, it can be very helpful to get things off your chest without it affecting your boyfriend. Also, it allows you to have a record of your thoughts and concerns to which you can refer back to and go: WTF was I thinking???
posted by penguingrl at 3:29 AM on March 18, 2010


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