Support group drama, what to do?
March 7, 2010 11:48 AM Subscribe
My support group is having some drama that is making me uncomfortable. The leader is involved with the drama, so I don't feel I can go to them. I still feel the group is beneficial for me, should I stick it out?
I'm in a support group that is very small and at a recent meeting one of the members started bitching about a member who was absent. I stuck up for the person, particularly because I thought it wasn't okay for them to not be there to speak for themselves.
This hasn't happened before but I'm worried it will happen again. There are no other groups in my area for this specific kind of support, so I'm loathe to leave it. At the same time, I don't want to stick around if there's constant drama.
I'm in a support group that is very small and at a recent meeting one of the members started bitching about a member who was absent. I stuck up for the person, particularly because I thought it wasn't okay for them to not be there to speak for themselves.
This hasn't happened before but I'm worried it will happen again. There are no other groups in my area for this specific kind of support, so I'm loathe to leave it. At the same time, I don't want to stick around if there's constant drama.
If this is a 12-step kind of support group, there is a process called a "group conscience" which consists of re-examining the primary purpose of the group and searching for ways to better serve that primary purpose. For instance, talking about absent members may alienate new members as well as the person who isn't there. I would suggest going to the person in the group with the most "time" who was not piling on the absent member and talk with them about your concerns.
If it's not a 12 step program or if the group conscience doesn't work, there are online support groups, including some that meet "in person" with voice chat which might help you as well.
posted by elmay at 11:55 AM on March 7, 2010
If it's not a 12 step program or if the group conscience doesn't work, there are online support groups, including some that meet "in person" with voice chat which might help you as well.
posted by elmay at 11:55 AM on March 7, 2010
I just want to thank you for defending the person who wasn't there. The group definitely benefits from you! If you benefit from the group, stick with it.
If it happens again, can you meet with the culprit(s) in private and respectfully explain that they are detracting from the value of the group? In my experience with a similar situation, I quietly brought the offensive behavior to the attention of the offender, and it stopped.
posted by archivist at 2:05 PM on March 7, 2010
If it happens again, can you meet with the culprit(s) in private and respectfully explain that they are detracting from the value of the group? In my experience with a similar situation, I quietly brought the offensive behavior to the attention of the offender, and it stopped.
posted by archivist at 2:05 PM on March 7, 2010
It often happens that groups get preoccupied with absent members. Sometimes there's a bit of envy involved, like the person who's missing has better things to do, and here we are stuck with being in this depressing group.
It's hard to give concrete advice without knowing what kind of support group it is. I would think you could say simply that you'd rather the group not talk about absent members, because a) it's unproductive time - no one is getting support by talking about someone who's not there, and b) you don't want to be talked about should you be absent.
I think it's also *entirely* appropriate for you to say that, as much as you value the group support, you're starting to question whether you'll continue because there's some elements of the group process that makes you feel uncomfortable. You're thinking about leaving anyway - what have you got to lose?
posted by jasper411 at 2:06 PM on March 7, 2010
It's hard to give concrete advice without knowing what kind of support group it is. I would think you could say simply that you'd rather the group not talk about absent members, because a) it's unproductive time - no one is getting support by talking about someone who's not there, and b) you don't want to be talked about should you be absent.
I think it's also *entirely* appropriate for you to say that, as much as you value the group support, you're starting to question whether you'll continue because there's some elements of the group process that makes you feel uncomfortable. You're thinking about leaving anyway - what have you got to lose?
posted by jasper411 at 2:06 PM on March 7, 2010
Would you feel comfortable suggesting to the leader that the group set up guidelines by which to conduct meetings (a la 12-step process noted by elmay)? Many - in fact, most - groups have basic ground rules for conducting their meetings which include such things as no violence, physical or verbal; no foul or abusive language; comments must be limited to xx minutes, so everyone has a chance to share; no criticism or ridicule of the comments made by other people, etc. These kinds of guidelines are generally so unobjectionable that they are simply assumed to be in place, whether formally stated or not, because without them you would not have a supportive suport group.
Perhaps you could perpare a sample list of guidelines and ask the leader to bring it up at a future meeting. Include on the list something to the effect that the ban on criticism, ridicule, and verbal cruelty extends to absent members, perhaps even past members as well, so that everyone may feel safe expressing their true deep feelings without having to worry that their comments might be ridiculed in their absence.
This approach is general enough, I think, that the people who spoke about the absent member may not even think of their own past actions in connection with the new guidelines. Even if they do, no one's gonna be comfortable objecting to the items on this list; they're pretty much objection-proof. Like suggesting that guns be banned from schools, or something.
If these guidelines are formally in place, you can refer to them should anyone speak unkindly about an absent member in the future. It's always easier, and much more effective, to blame the "guidelines"
than it is to ask people to behave differently just based on your own personal preferences. "Hey, it's not me prohibiting this kind of conversation; it's the Guidelines."
posted by cookiesncream at 3:57 PM on March 7, 2010
Perhaps you could perpare a sample list of guidelines and ask the leader to bring it up at a future meeting. Include on the list something to the effect that the ban on criticism, ridicule, and verbal cruelty extends to absent members, perhaps even past members as well, so that everyone may feel safe expressing their true deep feelings without having to worry that their comments might be ridiculed in their absence.
This approach is general enough, I think, that the people who spoke about the absent member may not even think of their own past actions in connection with the new guidelines. Even if they do, no one's gonna be comfortable objecting to the items on this list; they're pretty much objection-proof. Like suggesting that guns be banned from schools, or something.
If these guidelines are formally in place, you can refer to them should anyone speak unkindly about an absent member in the future. It's always easier, and much more effective, to blame the "guidelines"
than it is to ask people to behave differently just based on your own personal preferences. "Hey, it's not me prohibiting this kind of conversation; it's the Guidelines."
posted by cookiesncream at 3:57 PM on March 7, 2010
Have a one-on-one conversation with the facilitator and explain how uncomfortable this episode made you. You might request that the group discuss and adopt a shared agreement not to talk about people who aren't there.
A competent facilitator will be fine with this conversation. If they get defensive or blamy, or if they have a hard time seeing why you might have a problem with what happened, consider it a red flag.
Moving forward, you might reflect on (and possibly discuss with the facilitator, especially if the topic is relevant to the focus of the group) your experience and beliefs about conflict, with the goal of discovering more options than swallowing your discomfort or leaving.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:51 PM on March 7, 2010
A competent facilitator will be fine with this conversation. If they get defensive or blamy, or if they have a hard time seeing why you might have a problem with what happened, consider it a red flag.
Moving forward, you might reflect on (and possibly discuss with the facilitator, especially if the topic is relevant to the focus of the group) your experience and beliefs about conflict, with the goal of discovering more options than swallowing your discomfort or leaving.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:51 PM on March 7, 2010
Following up on ottereroticist's comment, talking to the facilitator can be a good way to go even if they were the one who was talking rudely about the absentee. Sometimes people get in the habit of, mm, "commiserating" with others about someone else's flaws or habits, and don't realize there's anything wrong with it until after it's been pointed out. He might be feeling bad about saying something that made you (and possibly other members of the group) uncomfortable, but not know what to do to fix the situation in the future.
posted by Lady Li at 10:37 PM on March 7, 2010
posted by Lady Li at 10:37 PM on March 7, 2010
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posted by inturnaround at 11:54 AM on March 7, 2010 [1 favorite]