Psyco in (former) social circle..SIGH.
March 6, 2010 1:15 AM Subscribe
How can I get this person OUT of my mind for good?
Two years ago I was involved with "Nick". Their was a mutual female "friend" whom I'll call "Hilda". Long drama filled story short, Nick devastated me and Hilda ate it up like a vulture! I confided my feelings about him to her and she not only agreed with me, she also told me what a "stupid whore" he supposedly said I was and other lovely epithets along those lines. So, she managed to push my buttons to the point of fiery rage about him and I believed her. I believed all of her b.s. believing she was my friend because she was not only agreeing with me, but adding more to it..like telling me about his new relationship. I finally got to the point that I just couldn't take her anymore once I figured out she was not only betraying me but also turning my other friends against me. I realize I let this happen by being gullible and trusting, so i do understand my part in that. What I didn't understand at the time is that Hilda has a pattern with Nick's "girlfriends"..weird, but true. I changed my number and cut all ties with Hilda and Nick. I was so angry however, that I opened my mouth and told EVERYONE of our mutual friends what she did. I realize I played right into her drama by doing that. Now from what hear, she is casing up Nick's girlfriend and trying to start shit with me because out of nowhere, I got a friend request from his girlfriend on facebook. Now I know it's ridiculous but Hilda mentioned that when we were "friends" Hilda said her and another friend used to send fb requests all the time to a certain person to piss them off. (yeah, grown woman btw.) I am certain that she is pumping up Nick's girlfriend and as much as they hurt me I hate to see some other poor sap being taken for a ride by Hilda. Because she is a sap, just like me. Nick's dating profile consists of women with little to no self esteem, substance abuse problems ect so on and so forth. I am better now I just can't stop being angry that Hilda keeps on doing this to people. I think she is a psycho, and I actually wish I could let Nick's girlfriend know what she's headed for. I want to just breathe deep and be glad she is out of my life but instead I am so angry! I want someone to see her for what she IS and NOT be like me and believe her b.s. I want to warn the girlfriend but I feel like that would just lead to more drama. sigh. Out of my life but still in my head. How to deal?
Two years ago I was involved with "Nick". Their was a mutual female "friend" whom I'll call "Hilda". Long drama filled story short, Nick devastated me and Hilda ate it up like a vulture! I confided my feelings about him to her and she not only agreed with me, she also told me what a "stupid whore" he supposedly said I was and other lovely epithets along those lines. So, she managed to push my buttons to the point of fiery rage about him and I believed her. I believed all of her b.s. believing she was my friend because she was not only agreeing with me, but adding more to it..like telling me about his new relationship. I finally got to the point that I just couldn't take her anymore once I figured out she was not only betraying me but also turning my other friends against me. I realize I let this happen by being gullible and trusting, so i do understand my part in that. What I didn't understand at the time is that Hilda has a pattern with Nick's "girlfriends"..weird, but true. I changed my number and cut all ties with Hilda and Nick. I was so angry however, that I opened my mouth and told EVERYONE of our mutual friends what she did. I realize I played right into her drama by doing that. Now from what hear, she is casing up Nick's girlfriend and trying to start shit with me because out of nowhere, I got a friend request from his girlfriend on facebook. Now I know it's ridiculous but Hilda mentioned that when we were "friends" Hilda said her and another friend used to send fb requests all the time to a certain person to piss them off. (yeah, grown woman btw.) I am certain that she is pumping up Nick's girlfriend and as much as they hurt me I hate to see some other poor sap being taken for a ride by Hilda. Because she is a sap, just like me. Nick's dating profile consists of women with little to no self esteem, substance abuse problems ect so on and so forth. I am better now I just can't stop being angry that Hilda keeps on doing this to people. I think she is a psycho, and I actually wish I could let Nick's girlfriend know what she's headed for. I want to just breathe deep and be glad she is out of my life but instead I am so angry! I want someone to see her for what she IS and NOT be like me and believe her b.s. I want to warn the girlfriend but I feel like that would just lead to more drama. sigh. Out of my life but still in my head. How to deal?
Yes, walk away. And remember: the more you insert yourself into other people's business and, without being asked, tell them what to do, the more you turn yourself into the psycho manipulator.
posted by blazingunicorn at 1:46 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by blazingunicorn at 1:46 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
II.1. Say to yourself first thing in the morning: today I shall meet people who are meddling, ungrateful, aggressive, treacherous, malicious, unsocial. All this has afflicted them through their ignorance of true good and evil. But I have seen that the nature of good is what is right, and the nature of evil what is wrong; and I have reflected that the nature of the offender himself is akin to my own – not a kinship of blood or seed, but a sharing in the same mind, the same fragment of divinity. Therefore I cannot be harmed any of by them, as none will infect me with their wrong. Nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him. We were born for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of upper and lower teeth. So to work in opposition to one another is against nature: and anger or rejection is opposition.
VII.26. When someone does you some wrong, you should consider immediately what judgment of good or evil led them to wrong you. When you see this, you will pity them, and not feel surprise or anger. You yourself either still share their view of good, or something like it, in which case you should understand and forgive: if, on the other hand, you no longer judge such things as either good or evil, it will be easier for you to be patient with the unsighted.
posted by koeselitz at 1:56 AM on March 6, 2010 [49 favorites]
Also, block all these parties (Hilda, Nick and new girlfriend) on fb.
posted by gadha at 2:22 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by gadha at 2:22 AM on March 6, 2010
This is what the block button is for. Use it.
Nick's current girlfriend will most likely not want to hear what you have to say. She's in the honeymoon stage where Nick can do no wrong and she's probably oh so grateful to have Hilda so on her side. She will learn soon enough and you will no longer be a part of the equation. I know the urge to "save" her from what you dealt with is overwhelming, but it'll be of no use. You can drag horse to water, and all that jazz..
posted by arishaun at 4:38 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nick's current girlfriend will most likely not want to hear what you have to say. She's in the honeymoon stage where Nick can do no wrong and she's probably oh so grateful to have Hilda so on her side. She will learn soon enough and you will no longer be a part of the equation. I know the urge to "save" her from what you dealt with is overwhelming, but it'll be of no use. You can drag horse to water, and all that jazz..
posted by arishaun at 4:38 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, to block them go into account, privacy settings and then block list. You don't need to get involved in her drama.
posted by Laura_J at 4:44 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by Laura_J at 4:44 AM on March 6, 2010
Cut the cord with all of that drama and get on with whatever else you have in your life. Hilda is no longer your problem because you have moved on from her, your feeble ex and all that silly, crazy, immature shit. Right?
posted by honey-barbara at 5:30 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by honey-barbara at 5:30 AM on March 6, 2010
Anon,
You're first question is: How can I get this person OUT of my mind for good? - which I'll get onto later.
After reading your question I can't help but feel that you believe it's your right (duty?) to put the world right about Hilda.
I understand the feeling though you really won't be able to get everyone to see what Hilda is. Some people get a kick from drama, in their and other people's lives. The conclusion I've come to is that you need to just learn the recognise the signs, and avoid these people as much as possible.
Life becomes so much more enjoyable when you can leave the drama at the theatre. And just deal with people who want to get along, and believe the best of their friends.
As for how to get her out of your head: exercise, meditation, practice a craft, and just count yourself blessed you are past the stage of having dealing with her.
I personally find the suggestion (I think it's Ironmouth's) of trying to feel these emotions and not engage to be useful.
posted by 92_elements at 7:07 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're first question is: How can I get this person OUT of my mind for good? - which I'll get onto later.
After reading your question I can't help but feel that you believe it's your right (duty?) to put the world right about Hilda.
I understand the feeling though you really won't be able to get everyone to see what Hilda is. Some people get a kick from drama, in their and other people's lives. The conclusion I've come to is that you need to just learn the recognise the signs, and avoid these people as much as possible.
Life becomes so much more enjoyable when you can leave the drama at the theatre. And just deal with people who want to get along, and believe the best of their friends.
As for how to get her out of your head: exercise, meditation, practice a craft, and just count yourself blessed you are past the stage of having dealing with her.
I personally find the suggestion (I think it's Ironmouth's) of trying to feel these emotions and not engage to be useful.
posted by 92_elements at 7:07 AM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
The best way to get someone out of your mind is to stop giving yourself opportunities to think about them. Block them all on Facebook and live your life in peace. Console yourself with the thought that people like Hilda generally lead miserable, lonely, awful lives, and their behavior reaps its own terrible rewards. I assure you that many more people are hip to her game than you realize, and I can promise you that she has a list of enemies as long as your arm.
Move on, don't look back, and next time, ask yourself why you'd even consider getting re-embroiled in this kind of nonsensical, juvenile drama. Does it make you feel important or needed? Do you maybe enjoy it a little? If you want to avoid people like Nick and Hilda in the future, figure out your own reasons for being drawn in by them in the first place.
posted by balls at 9:48 AM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Move on, don't look back, and next time, ask yourself why you'd even consider getting re-embroiled in this kind of nonsensical, juvenile drama. Does it make you feel important or needed? Do you maybe enjoy it a little? If you want to avoid people like Nick and Hilda in the future, figure out your own reasons for being drawn in by them in the first place.
posted by balls at 9:48 AM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
You are NOT going to be able to save every poor person who has the misfortune to interact with these two idiots. From what it sounds like, their behavior pretty much broadcasts exactly what type of person they are all the time. Other people will catch onto this on their own, without your interference. In the long term, people like this should be pitied, because it's hard to imagine that they are ever going to be happy or reasonably functional.
Block their accounts, chill out on FB for a little while if you want to, and refocus on things in your life that aren't ridiculously full of drama. If it helps, think of this: you're probably upset with the insanity of this situation because it's something that you aren't used to. They are stuck in situations like this all of the time because of the choices that they make.
posted by _cave at 12:14 PM on March 6, 2010
Block their accounts, chill out on FB for a little while if you want to, and refocus on things in your life that aren't ridiculously full of drama. If it helps, think of this: you're probably upset with the insanity of this situation because it's something that you aren't used to. They are stuck in situations like this all of the time because of the choices that they make.
posted by _cave at 12:14 PM on March 6, 2010
Nthing what others have said about blocking their accounts. It's time to stop showing any outward behaviour that indicates that you give them a second thought.
Also nthing that attempting to warn others probably won't go well, so you're better off not trying it. Besides, you told everyone in your social circle. You are not the right person to tip off his new gf, but it's possible that someone else will. It's out of your hands though, so just remember that and take no action, however tempting.
Finally - you may need to ruminate and obsess for a while. You went through a shocking experience unlike anything that happened to you before. So despite what conventional wisdom might say, you might need to "brood" and "dwell on it" (go through supposedly unhealthy thought processes) in order to "work through it" (go through supposedly healthy thought processes). So next time you're in a situation that reminds you of anything that happens in this one, you can ask yourself "where have I felt this feeling before"? And you'll be able to compare the two and possibly avoid getting fooled again, or else feel reassured that you're not being made a fool of.
posted by tel3path at 1:02 PM on March 6, 2010
Also nthing that attempting to warn others probably won't go well, so you're better off not trying it. Besides, you told everyone in your social circle. You are not the right person to tip off his new gf, but it's possible that someone else will. It's out of your hands though, so just remember that and take no action, however tempting.
Finally - you may need to ruminate and obsess for a while. You went through a shocking experience unlike anything that happened to you before. So despite what conventional wisdom might say, you might need to "brood" and "dwell on it" (go through supposedly unhealthy thought processes) in order to "work through it" (go through supposedly healthy thought processes). So next time you're in a situation that reminds you of anything that happens in this one, you can ask yourself "where have I felt this feeling before"? And you'll be able to compare the two and possibly avoid getting fooled again, or else feel reassured that you're not being made a fool of.
posted by tel3path at 1:02 PM on March 6, 2010
Step back for a second and ask yourself this
What behavior are you engaging in?
There's Hilda who talks behind other people's back insinuating things about other people.
There's you who talks behind Hilda's back insinuating other people about Hilda.
Yes, your intentions are noble but the people who hear you talk about her with no warning will consider "you" as a person who engages in insinuation
and/or
the people who will hear from you about Hilda who already know her have a higher chance of disagreeing with you (especially if they haven't had this sort of experience with Hilda.)
YOUR Best bet: Get involved with your life. You have seriously been wronged, it's the first time it's been so deep. I've been there, talk about it to a close friend (who will eventually get bored about it but will lend a "listening" ear at the start and will eventually tell you to move on with your life.)
The more you focus on it, the bigger your anger becomes, the bigger the issue becomes. Even attempting to solve it involves you reliving the pain, which makes it worse. Go out or join a gym or hang out more with positive influences in your life, do other things and see your life alter for you.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 6:14 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
What behavior are you engaging in?
There's Hilda who talks behind other people's back insinuating things about other people.
There's you who talks behind Hilda's back insinuating other people about Hilda.
Yes, your intentions are noble but the people who hear you talk about her with no warning will consider "you" as a person who engages in insinuation
and/or
the people who will hear from you about Hilda who already know her have a higher chance of disagreeing with you (especially if they haven't had this sort of experience with Hilda.)
YOUR Best bet: Get involved with your life. You have seriously been wronged, it's the first time it's been so deep. I've been there, talk about it to a close friend (who will eventually get bored about it but will lend a "listening" ear at the start and will eventually tell you to move on with your life.)
The more you focus on it, the bigger your anger becomes, the bigger the issue becomes. Even attempting to solve it involves you reliving the pain, which makes it worse. Go out or join a gym or hang out more with positive influences in your life, do other things and see your life alter for you.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 6:14 PM on March 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Don't wrestle with pigs. The pig likes it, and you wind up covered in shit." Remove yourself from the drama.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:32 PM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:32 PM on March 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
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posted by bam at 1:43 AM on March 6, 2010