Whats a Dad to do?
March 1, 2010 12:06 AM Subscribe
My ex wife has asked that we re-define our child care financial situation.
She claims that she is making considerably less than what she was making when we created our documents with the help of a mediator and that she deserves more. At that time we decided on a number that was approximately 25% more than what the computation was in her favor.
She has made it clear in the past that she did not think the mediator was fair and pretty much refuses to work with him again on any issues unless I pay for it.
She has asked that I turn my recent financial records over to her lawyer in order to re-define the schedule.
I want to do what is right and what is fair and I would also like to minimize my costs as much as the next person.
What should I do?
Part two is recommendations for lawyers in the Los Angeles area that would specialize in this area should it come to that.
Thanks
She claims that she is making considerably less than what she was making when we created our documents with the help of a mediator and that she deserves more. At that time we decided on a number that was approximately 25% more than what the computation was in her favor.
She has made it clear in the past that she did not think the mediator was fair and pretty much refuses to work with him again on any issues unless I pay for it.
She has asked that I turn my recent financial records over to her lawyer in order to re-define the schedule.
I want to do what is right and what is fair and I would also like to minimize my costs as much as the next person.
What should I do?
Part two is recommendations for lawyers in the Los Angeles area that would specialize in this area should it come to that.
Thanks
Talk to a lawyer. Be very careful about posting anything online. Anonymise this post. I feel for you, but there are *way* too many factors here for anyone to give meaningful advice. Best of luck, and I hope you get some good recommendations.
posted by smoke at 12:13 AM on March 1, 2010
posted by smoke at 12:13 AM on March 1, 2010
yeah, unfortunately, if she has a lawyer, you need one too. it's not "if it comes to that", it's already there.
posted by nadawi at 12:46 AM on March 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 12:46 AM on March 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Nthing get a lawyer, and I could be wrong, but child support (at least in my state) is calculated on what the paying parent makes (and in some cases, owns).
If your income hasn't increased and you haven't received any inheritances or money otherwise, I don't see any reason why you'd be on the hook for more money, especially if you're already paying over the guideline.
posted by dzaz at 2:32 AM on March 1, 2010
If your income hasn't increased and you haven't received any inheritances or money otherwise, I don't see any reason why you'd be on the hook for more money, especially if you're already paying over the guideline.
posted by dzaz at 2:32 AM on March 1, 2010
Whatever you do, and however this plays out, remember that all the money, time, and effort being discussed and/or expended is for your child's welfare. People tend to forget that once lawyers get involved.
posted by headnsouth at 2:49 AM on March 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 2:49 AM on March 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
And consider any changes be paid directly from you toward 3rd party expenses. Make sure your money is going toward the childcare, not just into her general fund. Presumably there's some sort of daycare involved? If you're not already paying that in full then if there's any increase it would seem like a good idea to have it go there directly.
You can always make more money, what you can't get back is the healthy development of your child. Keep that in mind and seek ways to make that work out best for the child.
posted by wkearney99 at 5:40 AM on March 1, 2010
You can always make more money, what you can't get back is the healthy development of your child. Keep that in mind and seek ways to make that work out best for the child.
posted by wkearney99 at 5:40 AM on March 1, 2010
Nthing get a lawyer and annon this post.
Also if you can get your lawyer to force her to account for how the money she was already receiving is being spent.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:01 AM on March 1, 2010
Also if you can get your lawyer to force her to account for how the money she was already receiving is being spent.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:01 AM on March 1, 2010
She has made it clear in the past that she did not think the mediator was fair and pretty much refuses to work with him again on any issues unless I pay for it.
I know nothing about child support issues, but this statement really jumped out at me. I'm reading this as she doesn't want to mediate this. If she thought that particular mediator was unfair, she would be willing to find a different mediator. But she has already stated that she doesn't like the mediator, and that you must pay if you want to settle this through a mediator. If you want to mediate this, she just set up a great situation for her to challenge the mediation results because she's already expressed that she is against mediation and she could say that the mediator you pick will somehow be biased towards you (presumably because you chose them and you paid for it). I could be misinterpreting this, but it somehow sets a challenging tone to this whole thing.
You definitely need a lawyer, and I wouldn't turn over ANYTHING to her lawyer without expecting the same thing from her in return (on advice from your lawyer, naturally). And I agree with the idea of paying directly to the agency that is providing childcare (if that is the situation). I'd also see if there is any tax relief you can get if you wind up paying significantly more (whatever deductions there are for child care and such...I don't know the qualifications on that because I don't have kids).
Money makes people get weird. Do what's right for your children, but also protect yourself in the process. Good luck!
posted by MultiFaceted at 7:18 AM on March 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know nothing about child support issues, but this statement really jumped out at me. I'm reading this as she doesn't want to mediate this. If she thought that particular mediator was unfair, she would be willing to find a different mediator. But she has already stated that she doesn't like the mediator, and that you must pay if you want to settle this through a mediator. If you want to mediate this, she just set up a great situation for her to challenge the mediation results because she's already expressed that she is against mediation and she could say that the mediator you pick will somehow be biased towards you (presumably because you chose them and you paid for it). I could be misinterpreting this, but it somehow sets a challenging tone to this whole thing.
You definitely need a lawyer, and I wouldn't turn over ANYTHING to her lawyer without expecting the same thing from her in return (on advice from your lawyer, naturally). And I agree with the idea of paying directly to the agency that is providing childcare (if that is the situation). I'd also see if there is any tax relief you can get if you wind up paying significantly more (whatever deductions there are for child care and such...I don't know the qualifications on that because I don't have kids).
Money makes people get weird. Do what's right for your children, but also protect yourself in the process. Good luck!
posted by MultiFaceted at 7:18 AM on March 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
She has asked that I turn my recent financial records over to her lawyer in order to re-define the schedule.
(IANAL, obviously)
Is the OP obligated to do this? Obviously the long-term strategy here is to get a lawyer, but need he rush out now to do it? What's striking me is that she's asking for this, not her lawyer.
If there's a legal structure in place for child support, and no one is in material violation, wouldn't the reasonable thing to do in response to this be to refuse and make her lawyer officially initiate something?
posted by mkultra at 7:42 AM on March 1, 2010
(IANAL, obviously)
Is the OP obligated to do this? Obviously the long-term strategy here is to get a lawyer, but need he rush out now to do it? What's striking me is that she's asking for this, not her lawyer.
If there's a legal structure in place for child support, and no one is in material violation, wouldn't the reasonable thing to do in response to this be to refuse and make her lawyer officially initiate something?
posted by mkultra at 7:42 AM on March 1, 2010
If there's a legal structure in place for child support, and no one is in material violation, wouldn't the reasonable thing to do in response to this be to refuse and make her lawyer officially initiate something?
This is very bad advice. The general principle in common law jurisdictions is that the losing side bears the costs of the wining side (in addition to their own). Unless you want to be on the hook for her lawyer's fees, lawyer up.
This is not legal advice, I am not your lawyer - you need advice from one qualified in your jurisdiction who specifically practices family law.
posted by dmt at 9:11 AM on March 1, 2010
This is very bad advice. The general principle in common law jurisdictions is that the losing side bears the costs of the wining side (in addition to their own). Unless you want to be on the hook for her lawyer's fees, lawyer up.
This is not legal advice, I am not your lawyer - you need advice from one qualified in your jurisdiction who specifically practices family law.
posted by dmt at 9:11 AM on March 1, 2010
dmt: The general principle in common law jurisdictions is that the losing side bears the costs of the wining side (in addition to their own).
Are you sure about this? From what I understand, it's usually a discretionary matter for the judge.
Also, this request came from the OP's wife, not her lawyer. It's not clear that any legal gears have actually been put into motion, which is why I'm questioning whether it's worth doing anything until that happens. If the wife wants to change the terms of an existing deal, why wouldn't you let her incur all the expenses until you're actually obligated to do something?
posted by mkultra at 9:49 AM on March 1, 2010
Are you sure about this? From what I understand, it's usually a discretionary matter for the judge.
Also, this request came from the OP's wife, not her lawyer. It's not clear that any legal gears have actually been put into motion, which is why I'm questioning whether it's worth doing anything until that happens. If the wife wants to change the terms of an existing deal, why wouldn't you let her incur all the expenses until you're actually obligated to do something?
posted by mkultra at 9:49 AM on March 1, 2010
dmt, from the posting history it looks like the poster is in the U.S., not the U.K.
posted by dilettante at 9:59 AM on March 1, 2010
posted by dilettante at 9:59 AM on March 1, 2010
Download the free trial of Dissomaster, plug in your numbers, plug in her numbers, and see what guideline is. It does seem fair that a change of circumstances (salary reduction or increases/changes in parental time/changes in insurance cost for the children) would require a review and possibly an adjustment in child support, but as far as I know California family law starts with guideline (as pulled from Dissomaster). I think that would be a good information-gathering starting point for you, that you can share with her to show that she's already receiving more than guideline. Good luck, I'm dealing with something similar now (skyrocketing insurance costs being the current thorn in my side.)
posted by mochilove at 1:08 PM on March 1, 2010
posted by mochilove at 1:08 PM on March 1, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
How to get a lawyer - a mefi comment by crushonastick
How to get a lawyer - from the mefi wiki page
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:13 AM on March 1, 2010 [1 favorite]