How-to date a sexy vain woman who wants attention from the world when trust levels are low?.

February 22, 2010 11:30 AM

I'm 30 she's 25 and we have been dating for 1 year and living together for 3 months. She has decided she wants to do a "figure competition" (not to be confused with a fitness competition or bodybuilding competition). Given all of the trust issues in our relationship how can I come to terms with this?

She is working out with a personal trainer 5 days a week, following a strict diet from a nutritionist she has hired and is taking the competition very seriously.

I think it is great that she is following through one of her lifelong goals.

I dislike the fact that her lifelong goal involves standing up on a stage in a tiny bikini and high heels to be pose, be photographed and judged - but I admire all the courage, hard work, discipline, mental and physical toughness required to do what she wants to do.

I am not a huge fan of the competition itself but I have tried to be supportive. I've driven to a grocery store at 2am to make sure she had the food she needed. I've driven to Costco to buy up everything I wrote down on my shopping list from her diet. I've made countless trips to pick up food for her after work. I've woken up early to take pictures for her nutritionist. I've massaged her sore muscles. I've talked her out of postponing your competition when she was wavering. I've shown interest into her workouts and the competitions. I've helped motivate her and focus on winning. I've tried to genuinely be supportive of her. I DO want her to accomplish her goal - I may not like the competition itself, the vanity of the whole process, and the way the diet has changed the way we spend time together, but of course I do not want to see her fail and have never tried to sabotage her.

She dressed very scandalously before we got together (everything super short, super tight, lots of skin, lack of undergarments and admits that before me she did constantly crave attention from men (daddy issues long story). She now says that I give her all the attention she needs and has toned down the overthetop outfits.

Part of my problem certainly stems from the fact that she betrayed my trust early on in our relationship by having a clothed but very sexy photo shoot with a photographer she met while on vacation (tiny bikini's on the beach, sexy dresses and heels etc). She claims it was all very professional with a few other people from her hostel holding lights and suggesting poses and whatnot. She has done some modelling in her past both runway and photo shoots and I knew about this. She also invited an ex boyfriend to come meet her on this vacation before she left (I found an email) but claims that nothing would have ever happened - they are just friends now and she is in love and with me.

She also went out a bunch of times when we started dating with a 'friend' whom I was told about but never invited to meet. Turned out the friend was a guy she met at a bar the week before we met who asked her out on a date. They went out and then apparently decided they would just be friends. They continued to go out for dinners, drinks, comedy shows about once or twice a month while her and I were dating. I somehow got the impression he was an old friend and not a guy who pursued her before we started dating. I know the fact that he is a rich Dr. and I'm not made this worse in my mind. Eventually the truth about how they met came out, but she claimed that they were nothing but friends but agreed to stop seeing him at my insistence.

I have been trying my best to forgive and forget and to believe that all of this was on the up and up.

We worked through these problems and moved in together 3 months ago.

How can I become at peace with and support the fact that her new goal requires that she wear next to nothing to pose for cameras and judges?

I don't want to break up with her. I love her.

I'm not sure I can handle spending the rest of my life with someone who needs to show herself off to the world given the trust issues I have.

posted by stealabove to human relations (74 answers total)

If you want to date a model, this stuff comes with the territory.

Same with actresses.

If it's that big an issue, don't date models. Or actresses.
posted by dfriedman at 11:38 AM on February 22, 2010 [10 favorites]

What does your gut say?
Yes, that's right.
posted by gadha at 11:39 AM on February 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

You need to separate out the issues.

(1) She also invited an ex boyfriend to come meet her on this vacation before she left (I found an email) but claims that nothing would have ever happened - they are just friends now and she is in love and with me.

This would bother me.

The contest would not, given the facts that you have.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:40 AM on February 22, 2010 [5 favorites]

Well, I don't think not trusting someone who hasn't behaved in a trustworthy way means you have "trust issues."

I don't think she'll ever change such a fundamental part of her psyche and become less attention craving. First of all, it doesn't sound like she really wants to, and nobody will ever change if they don't want to. Second, if she did want to, this sounds like something that would take a lot of therapy and/or a major life-changing event.

If you're determined to stay with her, I don't think the way to do it is to be in denial of her traits and try to forget them. I think that will obviously be impossible as she continues to display them. I think the only way to do it is to truly accept that she's going to be like this forever, and she's going to keep doing things you find a bit over the line or shady.

This doesn't sound like a relationship that is ever going to make you happy.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:41 AM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

Seconding dfriedman.

This is what she wants her life to be...you just pretty much have to accept her life(without your internal judgment), or realize that you can't be with her.
posted by hal_c_on at 11:42 AM on February 22, 2010

P.S. The last time I heard of a situation like this, with a beautiful model who was somewhat male-attention-seeking, and a boyfriend who was attracted to her for probably those very reasons but got more and more upset about it when she didn't change and he couldn't control her, it ended really tragically. If you really can't handle this, please give up trying to control and change her, it's not going to happen, please just dump her.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:43 AM on February 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

She has real issues. The only thing that could possibly make your relationship work for the long haul is couples counseling.
Your concerns are as valid as her ways. Sometimes adjustments can be made, other times you chalk it up to experience and let the person go their own way.
There may be someone out there who is more of a soulmate for you than she was. You are in a challenging place. Best wishes on the choices you make.
posted by srbrunson at 11:43 AM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Was your post a letter that you'd written to her and then changed all the pronouns for mefi? If so show her the letter.
posted by chrillsicka at 11:47 AM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

As I read your post, I don't see any betrayals of trust. Perhaps a betrayal of what your attitude was about how she should behave...but...whatever.

I hate vanity in all its forms, and I think shopping and consumerism are sicknesses. However! This is entirely her call. I'd say it's really not up to you in the least if she wants to prance around in heels and a bikini. I used to have a friend who had your same issues with his fly ass girlfriend, he couldn't deal with people LOOKING at her all TIME. She's coming home to you dude, smiling at you, letting you put your hand around her.

If you're willing to toss away something good because you feel like your woman should behave herself and act in some certain way---you need to SERIOUSLY analyze what you expect from her and realize that she may, in all likelihood, stop doing it because you want her to--and in turn give up on something she's passionate about.

Again, these are your issues, not hers. She's not betraying anything, you don't own, rent, or lease her, nor do you get to lay claim to her time or attention.
posted by TomMelee at 11:47 AM on February 22, 2010 [10 favorites]

Figure athletes do not really function like models, strippers, or escorts. Some of them are models but that is a rare exception, and not the rule at all. As far as craving attention is concerned this is probably one of the more productive ways she could do that.

Figure competitors are probably most akin to bodybuilders on the other side of the gender line. To be successful, they need to have an almost obsessive emphasis on their training regiment and their diet (both of which can take a lot of time and effort to achieve). If someone is pursuing this, they almost certainly do not have the time or calories to spend on fucking around behind your bag, or going out to clubs and drinking.

My advice is to continue being supportive and involved. Figure is totally unlike modeling; it happens up on stage, and not with some skeezy photographer on a location shoot. Doing figure the "right" way will not put your lady into any of the weird, shady situations that you talk about in your post.

Try to think about it from the other side, do you think that bodybuilders wives get upset when they are on stage flexing their shit? No, they are ecstatic about it because it represents the culmination of so much work, effort, sweat and tears that they invested in preparing for the show.

Additionally, figure competitors normally go for a level of body fat (and a look) that is not particularly attractive to most people. No one will be taking these photos home and rubbing out to them, it just won't happen.

So, final thoughts:
-Figure is not sketchy from and exploitative POV
-Be involved so you can see if sketchiness (by your standards) could be taking place
-Be ready for an almost obsessive perspective on food and training, this obsession will (as you mentioned in your post) almost certainly spill over into your lifestyle.
-You are not sharing her body with the rest of the world, you are sharing her work and effort!

Good luck to you!
posted by milqman at 11:51 AM on February 22, 2010 [7 favorites]

Would you still date her if she were not attractive enough to be a fitness model? I'm not saying "ugly", but let's say was a pretty girl who got hit on in bars but not a model... would you put up with this behaviour then? No? Then end it. If you would tolerate it if she looked different, however, then you just need to come to terms that this is the kind of person she is. She may not be cheating on you, but she's going to have plenty of options if she choose.

The issue here is not the competition, it's the lack of trust. Trust, once lost, is very hard to rebuild.
posted by modernnomad at 11:58 AM on February 22, 2010

The "seeing guys behind your back" issues have disappeared, right? These happened when you were dating, so don't worry about it.

What the incident with the photographer seems to indicate more than anything else (taken together with the preference for sexy clothing and entering bikini competitions) is that your girlfriend is a bit of an exhibitionist, and likes to show off her body. She's probably just wired that way, and finds it fulfilling.

Sounds like you have to work on yourself, re: trust. It has nothing to do with your girlfriend.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:00 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

I also wanted to add that you are really addressing (and I think mixing up) two unrelated issues here:
-There are relationship questions and issues
-There is the introduction of figure competitions

If I were in your situation, I think I would look at these as two separate things. Your question makes it sound like figure competitions are an extension of a sketchy past. I am not convinced that this is the case. In your situation, the sketchy past is far more significant that the introduction of a sport/hobby. Handle that first, then independently decide how you feel about the figure stuff.

You know, IMHO . . .
posted by milqman at 12:02 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

A big second for TomMelee.

These are your issues. You need to get over it and let it go or let her go. Jealousy and insecurity will make quick work of ruining a relationship. She's coming home to you, right? Well then? I mean, men will look at your girlfriend/wife/whatever. Maybe some of them go home and whack off thinking about her. What's it to you? You just need to decide to be cool with it and trust her, or you need to face the fact that you can't deal with it and find someone who will stay at home and wear a smock.

alternatively, you can look at the situation like this: damn, my lady is fine. Look at all these guys just drooling over her. I am one lucky sonofabitch because I know I'll be walking out of here with her.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:02 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

you guys have different expectations about how much of her body is appropriate to show. it's her body, so she gets to make the call. you get to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who models/participates in figure competition.

to me - you sound controlling, overboard, and like you met someone and instantly started telling her how she was unacceptable. she can subvert everything about herself that you don't like - but that really never ends well. either accept her for who she is or let her go.

also "i found an email" - stop doing this.
posted by nadawi at 12:02 PM on February 22, 2010 [12 favorites]

She's probably just wired that way, and finds it fulfilling.

I think the "wired that way" comment in situations gives credence to the idea that the person has no control over what they do. I kinda gotta disagree with that...in most situations, not just this.

In this situation, it seems this is exactly what she wants...you're attitude is in her way.
posted by hal_c_on at 12:06 PM on February 22, 2010

Metafilter is amazing. I can't thank you all enough for sharing your opinions.

@gadha - my gut doesn't know in this rare case.

@Ironmouth - yeah it bothers me too...big time.

@ Ashley801 - she has apologized and said she made some bad choices but that nothing inappropriate ever happened - just pictures lots of people around blah blah.

I don't want to 'control her'. I want her to make choices that we can both live with. A compromise - Ie. (this is a real life example - If she wants to dress seductively she does it when we go out together not when she has a meeting with an investment banker about managing her portfolio).

@chrillsicka - yes it was and I did show her the letter. We are completely open about this entire situation - my issues and her issues.

@TomMelee - she betrayed my trust by inviting an ex to meet her while on vacation without me and not telling me about it - and by having some guy she met at her hostel take pictures of her ass on the beach. Not really appropriate behavior for a lady in love.

@srbrunson - couples counselling maybe..hmmm..

@milqman - thanks! Well said. She is 2.5 months into training so I'm experiencing it. Although it will get harder the closer to competition when she cuts weight.

I can't thank you all enough I hope to get more opinions these are great and very helpful for me to see many different perspectives on the situation.
posted by stealabove at 12:06 PM on February 22, 2010

My first reaction was that this is really weird, and you're right to feel uncomfortable with this. But, one way to look at it is that, before she met you, she was involved in an endless pursuit for the attention of men, but she realizes she can't do that any more, so she's thrown herself into this competition so that she can continue the chase in a different setting, but in a way that doesn't threaten the relationship.

So, in a sense, that's a good thing, the competition is a replacement for male sexual interest, a different arena in which to stage her fantasy--if it really functions that way for her. The danger is that she has a history of having multiple irons in the fire--what if she loses a competition or doesn't do as well as expected? Will she revert back to looking for men to validate her, possibly cheating on you? That would be something to be concerned about.
posted by AlsoMike at 12:14 PM on February 22, 2010

Weird that I'm the one with GIRL POWER feelings on this topic.

Dude, you've been together a year. You've been living together for 3 months. That means that all the "trust violations" happened in the first 9 months of your relationship, which is 1, when they're supposed to happen and 2, really pretty early on.

She didn't tell you someone was gonna take her picture. Did she lie about it? If no, then she didn't violate trust. She met with an ex beau while on vacation (that you weren't on, which I think is important for a "couple in love".) and didn't tell you about it. Did she lie about it? If not, she didn't violate any trust. Likely she DIDN'T tell you, because like nadawi said, you're a little overbearing and seem that you need to tell her what's appropriate for her to do and to not do.

Did she fuck the guy she met at her hostel? Make out with him? Take penetration shots and put them on a website? She took some pics that don't conform to your idea of what they should be, and you're mad/sad/whatever and you sound like you wouldn't have taken them for her if she'd asked.

I didn't realize that, as guys, we get to pass judgement on what's appropriate behavior. I mean, let me tell you--- me and my girl have been together for 5 years, we just bought a house. I buy the food, and I cook it, and I clean up after it too. I also scrape all the snow. Also, she farts. Often. Talk about a girl who does things unbecoming for a lady in love. Know what's even worse? She talks to her old male friends on facebook. Some of 'em I've never even MET. I refuse to type in her passwords for her, because her email is hers and I don't WANT access to it. See, because I love her, and I respect her, and her life is hers to live including any screw ups she ever wants to make.

Doesn't mean I don't get irritated sometimes---but I get irritated because (mostly usually) she winds up upsetting herself or making something take longer or cost more money, not because she should know better than to do those things as a classy young lady.

I repeat, there is no ownership.

Ok, so sometimes I refer to it as "my ass" or more often "my mouth", but that's generally when we're naked and trying to fit together awkwardly.
posted by TomMelee at 12:20 PM on February 22, 2010 [8 favorites]

All the comments are helpful but some of the excerpts below I found especially helpful:

"Second, if she did want to, this sounds like something that would take a lot of therapy and/or a major life-changing event."

"a beautiful model who was somewhat male-attention-seeking, and a boyfriend who was attracted to her for probably those very reasons but got more and more upset about it when she didn't change and he couldn't control her, it ended really tragically. If you really can't handle this, please give up trying to control and change her, it's not going to happen, please just dump her."

"Your concerns are as valid as her ways. "

"Figure athletes do not really function like models, strippers, or escorts. Some of them are models but that is a rare exception, and not the rule at all. As far as craving attention is concerned this is probably one of the more productive ways she could do that."

"Jealousy and insecurity will make quick work of ruining a relationship. She's coming home to you, right?"

"you guys have different expectations about how much of her body is appropriate to show. it's her body, so she gets to make the call. you get to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who models/participates in figure competition. "
posted by stealabove at 12:24 PM on February 22, 2010

"and by having some guy she met at her hostel take pictures of her ass on the beach. Not really appropriate behavior for a lady in love."

maybe you don't mean to - but you really come off as super controlling and passive aggressive. there is no set "appropriate behavior for a lady in love" - there's just questions about if two people are compatible.
posted by nadawi at 12:24 PM on February 22, 2010 [10 favorites]

I also don't see how she has betrayed your trust. I think you might have been trying to control her actions too much when you were first dating - seeing other people is normal and expected among lots of people (who aren't necessarily actresses or models) unless and until a couple has a "talk" or some kind of agreement not to see other people. Etc.

This whole thing reads as, you have an awesome girlfriend who is free and fun and happy, and you're insecure about it because you're afraid you can't keep her attention since after all you're not a doctor but a friend of hers (who met her by asking her out a while back, and is therefore more of a threat) is a doctor.

So! On to the "how" part of your question - how to believe she's on the up-and-up, and to not be bothered by her being basically naked in front of other people. You're clearly on "alert" and feeling threatened, and I see at least two potential reasons & solutions for this feeling.

1) Reason: you had unreasonable expectations that she (of course) did not fulfill and that you need to change.
Solution: address your expectations of how women should act at the nascent stages of a relationship and with their friends who they might have at one time been romantically interested in. Read up on the various perspectives on this at ask.metafilter or other places to see the wide ranges of opinions, and realize that to the extent you and she had different expectations, her actions were not betrayals of you or your trust, or acting in a way that's out of character and thus might show her as prone to acting out of character - instead she was acting in a way in line with her own morals, standards, etc., and to the extent you can accept those you'll be better off. Maybe she just thinks that for the first few months it's not super serious, even if you're staying over most nights, and you thought it was serious. It sounds like you're already sort of working this stuff out through talking to her, but you really need to realize that until you talked to her she had no way of knowing that you two had different standards, so what she did wasn't an attack on you or the relationship.

2) Reason: you just have been hyper-alert since the start for *no reason* except for the fact that you're feeling some inferiority issues due to her being super hot and you being not rich or ____ enough to match up in the hotness to ____ ratio for men to women.
Solution: throw the hotness to ____ ratio out the window. The girl loves you, you love the girl, you're living together, things have progressed beyond the "do I have enough of 1, 2, and 3 criteria for her or is she going to leave me for some guy with ____ superficial qualities" stage.

To the extent there are other causes, other solutions may apply.

Also, I am very concerned that you forced her to give up a friendship, and that she complied. Please don't do this again, you're depleting the (generally large) amount of goodwill and leeway that each partner gives the other at the beginning of a relationship, and paving the way for a controlling and abusive situation down the road when you don't like other friends of hers.
posted by lorrer at 12:27 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think this competition is her way of still doing what she loves and what she thinks she's good at while respecting your feelings. She's not going out with other guys, she's not arranging photo shoots on the beach, she's not wearing the clothes she likes. She may be trying to get admiration for her body in a non-sexual way,praise for her strength and her dedication and her hard work. Yeah, okay, maybe:

her lifelong goal involves standing up on a stage in a tiny bikini and high heels to be pose, be photographed and judged

but what if she thinks that looking good is the only thing she's good at, and that's why she chooses activities that focus on her looks? People like to show off their skills, and maybe she's so used to being as seen as nothing more than a beautiful face and body that she's afraid gaining your trust means letting go of the only talent she has? If she was an amazing writer, would you be jealous if she published a book? Would you say, yeah, she went to this sketchy book reading and some newspaper reporter was asking her all about her prose?

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt here. Even more, though, I think you should make sure she knows you love her for more than her looks, and realizes you admire her talents, many of which have nothing to do with her body. If that's not true, then you need to let her be with someone who will.

And why do you care what she wears or who sees it? If you trust her, trust her.
posted by sallybrown at 12:29 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think the "wired that way" comment in situations gives credence to the idea that the person has no control over what they do. I kinda gotta disagree with that...in most situations, not just this.

She's wired the way she is. She can control her behavior, of course, but why in this case does she need to?
posted by KokuRyu at 12:31 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

@ TomMelee:

"Dude, you've been together a year. You've been living together for 3 months. That means that all the "trust violations" happened in the first 9 months of your relationship, which is 1, when they're supposed to happen and 2, really pretty early on." AGREED

"She met with an ex beau while on vacation (that you weren't on, which I think is important for a "couple in love".) and didn't tell you about it. Did she lie about it? If not, she didn't violate any trust. Likely she DIDN'T tell you, because like nadawi said, you're a little overbearing and seem that you need to tell her what's appropriate for her to do and to not do." She actually didn't meet with him she just invited him to meet her. And neglecting to mention that you are inviting your ex to meet you on a solo vacation (she booked the ticket a year before we met - and I couldn't take time of work to go) is a bit of a violation of trust no?

"you sound like you wouldn't have taken them for her if she'd asked." WRONG - Do you think I would end up in this relationship if I didn't have any mojo? :)

" I mean, let me tell you--- me and my girl have been together for 5 years, we just bought a house. I buy the food, and I cook it, and I clean up after it too. I also scrape all the snow. Also, she farts. Often." - That is not the type of relationship I am looking for but I am happy for you to be in one that works for you.

"I didn't realize that, as guys, we get to pass judgement on what's appropriate behavior" WRONG - I think it is okay for us to pass judgement - just as it is okay for girls to pass judgement on us as to what is appropriate behavior?

When I asked her if she would be upset if I took picture of a girl I met in a hostel, or invited my ex to meet me on vacation or a, b, c she said no she wouldn't have been okay with it is and she apologized and said she made bad decisions.
posted by stealabove at 12:32 PM on February 22, 2010

there is a guy out there who WANTS a women who shows off her body and flirts with other men. let her find him.

there is a girl out there who shares your values with regard to loyalty honesty and modesty. go find her

Also, a girl this vain will not be fun when her looks start to slip. bail now. my glass-half-empty two cents.
posted by nihlton at 12:35 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

(sorry, i should note: i recently got out of a situation very similar to this. She still loves me, and i still love her very much, and if I felt like there was a way we could be together and healthy, id call her... but after a year and a half of frustration and compromise that left both of us slightly unhappy, we realized it wasn't going to work.)
posted by nihlton at 12:37 PM on February 22, 2010

"I don't want to 'control her'. I want her to make choices that we can both live with."

Considering that all the choices SHE wants to make are choices you want her NOT to make, this sounds like you want to control her.

"she betrayed my trust by inviting an ex to meet her while on vacation without me and not telling me about it - and by having some guy she met at her hostel take pictures of her ass on the beach. Not really appropriate behavior for a lady in love."

a) This meeting with the ex never took place, right? Maybe she would have told you if it actually did. Just getting upset because she invited someone to hang out with her and then never hung out with him is a little overboard.

b) Pictures =/= cheating. It sounds like she likes pictures of herself, and she probably wanted some awesome pictures of herself while she was on vacation, and so she found someone to take them. She didn't have sex or kiss anyone else. You know about the pictures so obviously she didn't feel the need to keep them secret from you, which means SHE thinks everything is on the up-and-up. You need to just calm down.

c) There is no such thing as "appropriate behavior for a lady in love." Look, there's appropriate behavior for people in committed relationships. And that is not having other sexual/deep emotional relationships with other people. And it sounds like she's abiding by that. It's not HER fault you have some backwards, misogynistic view of how women should behave in relationships.

Honestly, I think this is more a problem with you and your trust issues than anything else. Just because she's showing her body off doesn't mean she's cheating on you or even thinking about cheating on you. It just means she likes to show off her body. If you can't live with that, that's your problem, not hers.
posted by distracts at 12:39 PM on February 22, 2010 [8 favorites]

Ps.

Yes we had had "the conversation" about dating each other exclusively and she initiated it.

She was the first to drop the L-bomb => then all the other stuff took place.

"Also, I am very concerned that you forced her to give up a friendship, and that she complied. Please don't do this again, you're depleting the (generally large) amount of goodwill and leeway that each partner gives the other at the beginning of a relationship, and paving the way for a controlling and abusive situation down the road when you don't like other friends of hers."

I felt that considering she lied about how and when they met (she eventually came clean about how they met at a bar and he asked her out right before we met) it was too much for me to handle -I felt she had been basically dating this guy behind my back - and we were about to move in together. Believe me I wish it had of gone down differently - ie. we all went out to comedy club together or she was honest about how and when they met.
posted by stealabove at 12:40 PM on February 22, 2010

Please keep the comments coming if anyone feels like there is something left to be said.

I really appreciate everyone chiming in. It's very helpful.
posted by stealabove at 12:48 PM on February 22, 2010

You know what?

I thought everything was OK here, that milqman et al had nailed it. I was clicking away when I noticed this...

"How-to date a sexy vain woman who wants attention from the world when trust levels are low?."

Emphasis, mine.

I think "vain" is an exceptionally pejorative term. Combo'd with "sexy" doubly so.

Unless she murders kittens, you should always refer to your live-in girlfriend in respectful terms. Instead, you broadcasted to the interwebs an exceptionally unflattering characterization of your Girlfriend's actions, motives and morals. Yuck.

While she is working on her outsides, I politely suggest you work on your insides.





(I see your problem now. You don't like her or respect her very much. Why did you move in together if you were still holding a grudge about earlier events? You should have just broken up. It's not fair to ask her to move in and then continue to punish her. Really.

I see the reason for this AskMe now. YES! When she figures out how you really feel about her (she will) there's no doubt she will move on and find someone "better" - as in someone who likes her better for the person she is. We all deserve to be with someone who truly honors us, after all

Your choice of titles betrayed the inner-you, OP. No laundry-list of how much you've done to help her train for this event will convince otherwise. I think your subconscious, at the very least, is trying to tell you something here. You should listen. If your GF has "daddy-issues" like you say, it's probably not cool for you to shit on her with your backhanded distain.

Sorry, dude. You crafted that title and chose those words - not me. I doubt your GF thinks of herself that way. Maybe you should ask her if it's OK with her that you do?
posted by jbenben at 12:56 PM on February 22, 2010 [6 favorites]

"As far as craving attention is concerned this [figure competition] is probably one of the more productive ways she could do that."

"My advice is to continue being supportive and involved."

"Sounds like you have to work on yourself, re: trust. It has nothing to do with your girlfriend."

"Reason: you had unreasonable expectations that she (of course) did not fulfill and that you need to change.

Solution: address your expectations of how women should act at the nascent stages of a relationship and with their friends who they might have at one time been romantically interested in.

Read up on the various perspectives on this at ask.metafilter or other places to see the wide ranges of opinions, and realize that to the extent you and she had different expectations, her actions were not betrayals of you or your trust, or acting in a way that's out of character and thus might show her as prone to acting out of character - instead she was acting in a way in line with her own morals, standards, etc., and to the extent you can accept those you'll be better off.

Maybe she just thinks that for the first few months it's not super serious, even if you're staying over most nights, and you thought it was serious.

It sounds like you're already sort of working this stuff out through talking to her, but you really need to realize that until you talked to her she had no way of knowing that you two had different standards, so what she did wasn't an attack on you or the relationship."


This sounds like exactly what I need to do. Thanks everyone.
posted by stealabove at 12:56 PM on February 22, 2010

Arghh.

How-to date a sexy vain woman who wants attention from the world when trust levels are low?."

There. Fixed.
posted by jbenben at 1:00 PM on February 22, 2010

@jbenben - she refers to herself as vain. She is extremely vain and not ashamed of it. It's frustrating it's "who she is". I didn't mean to broadcast unflattering actions, motives and morals. I'm sorry. I'm trying to come to terms with what's happened and trying to move forward.

"Why did you move in together if you were still holding a grudge about earlier events?"
This all came out literally the day before we signed the lease.
posted by stealabove at 1:05 PM on February 22, 2010

I'm not sure I can handle spending the rest of my life with someone who needs to show herself off to the world given the trust issues I have.

So don't then. There are plenty of women who are as attractive as your girlfriend but do not behave in the way she does. Don't assume that this kind of exhibitionism/attention-seeking has to come with the territory.

Also you have my permission to think that figure competitions, bodybuilding, etc. are bullshit. Physical training is an unqualified good, but when training becomes all-consuming and yet its only purpose is to achieve a certain superficial appearance that is not necessarily healthy or sustainable, you're right to dismiss it as vanity. Just my opinion, of course.
posted by ludwig_van at 1:12 PM on February 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

Did she lie about it? If not, she didn't violate any trust.

This is hilarious.

Did she fuck the guy she met at her hostel? Make out with him? Take penetration shots and put them on a website?

Well, even if she did, but he didn't ask about it… no violation of trust, right?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:12 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

@ lorrer - "I also don't see how she has betrayed your trust. I think you might have been trying to control her actions too much when you were first dating - seeing other people is normal and expected among lots of people (who aren't necessarily actresses or models) unless and until a couple has a "talk" or some kind of agreement not to see other people. Etc."

"Unless and until"...We had already had that conversation and she initiated it...
posted by stealabove at 1:41 PM on February 22, 2010

My biggest concern would be the invitation to another man to meet her while she's on vacation. Unless there's an understanding of an open relationship, I see that as a violation of your trust. For those ladies saying they believe that his concern is, "controlling," I wish they would turn it around. I'm wondering if any of these same women would feel the same way if they found out that their boyfriend had invited a lady to "meet him on vacation." Would you feel that your concern about that be considered, "controlling? Or, would it be considered a warning sign?
posted by Gerard Sorme at 2:03 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

A lot of red flags...

Your attention will never be enough for her. It is now because she gets so much from everyone else. But as a previous poster pointed out, when age rears it head on all our looks...and hers...there will be a void...and your attention alone will never be able to fill it.

And on top of that--the need to be friends with old BFs and aborted romantic interests? Doesn't she have any same sex friends like most people in committed relationships?

Puh-leez.

I'm probably going to get this all wrong, but there is an old post on AMF that I can't find that talks about a girl concerned about her BF who was taking pictures of other women, sometimes in their home, without her knowledge/permission. DTMFA was the overwhelming opinion. Is there a difference between being the photographer and the photograph-ee? No. Now I'm sure someone will remind me of some details in that post I forgot about...
posted by teg4rvn at 2:08 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

the ex on vacation thing - first - was she on vacation in the place that he lived? was she vacationing with a group of people and are they still friends after the breakup?

it's not that one singular thing he's mentioning is or is not controlling - it's his entire attitude towards her body. it comes off as him thinking that because they're together, he owns her skin and how she shows it.
posted by nadawi at 2:08 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

@TomMelee - she betrayed my trust by inviting an ex to meet her while on vacation without me and not telling me about it - and by having some guy she met at her hostel take pictures of her ass on the beach. Not really appropriate behavior for a lady in love.

So says you.

Look, maybe she was aiming for a hook-up with an old boyfriend, and maybe she doesn't tell you she is able to be friends with her exes because you're a jerk who would freak out on her if you knew.

I'm having trouble finding any scenario in which a clothed photo shoot could be construed as betraying any kind of trust, especially given that she's got an established interest in fitness competitions and modeling-type pursuits.

You may love her, but please think long and hard about whether you like her. And I mean her, as a person, the way she is, and not as some fantasy of what you imagine she would be like if only she conformed to your ideas of what was appropriate behaviour for a "lady in love".
posted by jacquilynne at 2:29 PM on February 22, 2010 [8 favorites]

Figure competitions are more like a fitness pageant, if that makes sense. It's not exactly about sex because there are specific criteria the competitors are trying to meet.

But if you were attracted to her because of how she dresses and acts towards men, and she has toned it down for you somewhat, you can't expect her to become Debbie Dowdy so you can make sure to have her all to yourself.
posted by ishotjr at 2:30 PM on February 22, 2010

stealabove, you've completely taken me out of context. Sugarcoat all you want. There's always some excuse you can come up with, and so far in this thread you have.

"Sexy Vain Woman" is an exceptionally pejorative phrase, especially when directed at one's significant other.

You did. Own it.
posted by jbenben at 2:33 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think "vain" is an exceptionally pejorative term. Combo'd with "sexy" doubly so.

Seconding this. You do not respect this woman. You look down on her. You are trashing her out on the Internet. You can look down on people all you want, but do not take them as lovers. This is unhealthy and maybe even abusive. Start respecting and loving your girlfriend, or end this relationship.
posted by massysett at 2:40 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

There are some women who are so addicted to public adulation and attention that, even though they truly crave the love and security of a one-on-one relationship, they just cannot bring themselves to forego that outside approbation that says "you're hot, you're attractive, you're appealing." Take Marilyn Monroe, for example, or Madonna. They went through X amount of men with whom they were at one time truly in love (supposedly) but "the other man" in their lives was always the camera, the press, the audience.

I've driven to a grocery store at 2am to make sure she had the food she needed. I've driven to Costco to buy up everything I wrote down on my shopping list from her diet. I've made countless trips to pick up food for her after work. I've woken up early to take pictures for her nutritionist.
Has she done anything in a similar vein for you? For example, my husband has gotten out of bed at 2AM and run to the local party store to get me some pop when I got thirsty late at night. But, on the other hand, when he had oral surgery I unflinchingly replaced his bloody mouth packing and also prepared and served his chicken broth and liquid-y Jello. If you were suddenly semi-bedridden for a week for some reason, would your girlfriend run to drugstore at 2AM to pick up your prescriptions? Would she help you to the bathroom, attend to your toilette and forego her daily workouts so that she could remain by your side? If not, then your situation hints at a very one-sided relationship.
posted by Oriole Adams at 3:15 PM on February 22, 2010

stealabove, I don't think any of us out here on the net can resolve the trust situation for you -- that's something that time and your gut will do for you, one way or the other.

But I do find it interesting, and I think a good sign, that she's the one who refers to herself as vain. That suggests that she's got some perspective on her own character, and is trying to find a way to express her basic impulses (which aren't gonna change) in a way that can work with a relationship. Good luck!
posted by martin2000 at 3:18 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wrong. Vain and sexy are not being used pejoratively here. Sexy is in no way pejorative in my world. Vainity is. But the fact is she is both sexy and vain. The good and the bad - and I'm trying to deal with both facts.

Some of you are nuts. If your SO left you and ended up in a hotel room with a stranger she just met and they had a sexy photoshoot together - this is completely okay? I am controlling for thinking it's a bit of a betrayal of trust?? That is absurd.

You have told someone you love them, asked them if they want to be exclusive, and then you invite your ex to come meet you secretly?

To those of you who think I'm controlling or a jerk for being uncomfortable with that - you have no idea what a healthy relationship is.
posted by stealabove at 3:19 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

@Oriole Adams - yes she would do all those things for me and more as would I.

@ nadawi "it's not that one singular thing he's mentioning is or is not controlling - it's his entire attitude towards her body. it comes off as him thinking that because they're together, he owns her skin and how she shows it."

I understand that it is her skin and she can show it how she likes - but that does not mean I am a controlling jerk for sharing with her what I am comfortable with.

She has the choice to do what she wants - but that choice will have consequences.

I would expect the exact same thing for the ways in which I choose to live my life and my partners responses to my decisions.
posted by stealabove at 3:29 PM on February 22, 2010

If your SO left you and ended up in a hotel room with a stranger she just met and they had a sexy photoshoot together - this is completely okay?

Given your previous comments that there were other people there at the time? Yes, I think that's completely okay.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:30 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

>>You have told someone you love them, asked them if they want to be exclusive, and then you invite your ex to come meet you secretly?>>

I'm a little confused by this. She made some vacation plans before you two were together. She invited you to come along, but you couldn't make it. Separately, she asked an ex if he wanted to see her during the vacation. Would she have wanted to see him anyway whether you were there or not? Is it possible they're really just friends now and nothing beyond friendly would've happened? Was it really a big secret that she was thinking of meeting up with this guy, or did she just not think she needed to inform you because it wasn't a big deal?

The way you respond to this makes it sound like she's not allowed to see any exes for any reason now that she and you are together. That strikes me as unreasonable. I am friends with a couple of my exes and have made it very clear to my loving boyfriend, who I love, that I am allowed to hang out with these people if I choose to. He is to trust me that nothing uncool will happen while I'm with them, just as I would have to trust him with the same if he were friends with one of his exes. There would still be some jealousy there, and some concern, but realize that's your problem for being jealous, not hers for wanting to hang out with a friend.
posted by wondermouse at 3:43 PM on February 22, 2010

She sent him a sexy picture and some winks about how he should meet her and he'd be missing out blah blah blah.

It was totally not cool. She completely apologized to me after I found out. When I asked if she would have stuck around if situations were reversed she wasn't sure she would be able to.

Come on people - she knows it was wrong. She admitted as much and apologized and asked for forgiveness.
posted by stealabove at 3:46 PM on February 22, 2010

@wondermouse - Suuure your bf and you would be cool with it - BUT would you be cool if you found out he set out to meet up with an ex secretly and was never planning on telling you about it?? Would that raise a flag with you?
posted by stealabove at 3:49 PM on February 22, 2010

It depends on the situation. Sometimes a person will avoid telling their partner about certain things because they know their partner will freak out about it, even though it is completely innocuous (not that that makes for a good relationship). Sending this guy a sexy picture and being all suggestive about meeting up with her is not a cool thing to do - I agree with that. It sounds to me like you two are not compatible. It doesn't sound like you like anything about her, really, except maybe for her appearance.
posted by wondermouse at 3:56 PM on February 22, 2010

1. When you say She has the choice to do what she wants - but that choice will have consequences.... I'm not sure what you mean by that. I don't think you're threatening or anything, but I fail to see what options you have besides be ok with her (and stay) or be unhappy with her (and break up). It seems like you're not feeling ok at all - but you're looking for some kind of set of boundaries or rules that'd make you feel better about the relationship (given who she is, given whatever baggage you bring to the table) and I don't think there's anything you can do to change all of the things about her that trigger anxiety in you. I don't think there's anything she could do to stop triggering anxiety in you, even if she stuffed herself into a tiny box. It's not that either of you sound like bad people, but you don't talk about her like you're half of a sustainable couple, let alone a great one.
2. I see you're new, and I don't want to get too meta - but it's frowned upon to chime in so much in a thread, and especially frowned upon to speak angrily to the people who have taken the time to read all of this and to offer the suggestions that you solicited.
posted by moxiedoll at 4:02 PM on February 22, 2010 [6 favorites]

It's can be tough to be in a relationship with a good looking person, especially when they know it :). My S.O. gets a lot of attention from women, and he enjoys it. I've been through varying waves of insecurity and jealousy over what I thought was overly flirty behavior on his part. I think the important thing to keep in mind is what YOU are comfortable with. A lot of the insecurity you are feeling right now is tied to your girlfriends past behavior. If you've talked about it, and she's acknowledged why it might make you feel uncomfortable, then you really have to let it go. You may never be fully comfortable with this type of competition - but you can greatly help yourself by expressing what you need to feel secure going forward.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:07 PM on February 22, 2010

Sorry - i didn't know it was frowned upon to chime in so much. My apologies.

I'm sorry that I didn't take the time to write out the many many many reasons why I love her. I do like a million things about her that have absolutely nothing to do with her appearance.

You are right moxiedoll - I am looking for a set of boundaries or rules. Is that a bad idea?

Don't all relationships have explicit/implicit boundaries and rules for what is and what is not considered acceptable behavior by each partner?

And by accepting consequences for those actions I am simply implying that our relationship could come to an end because of either of our actions. Is this abnormal?

If I was to continue to do something that she expressed concerns about - but I did it anyway because it was more important to me her concerns - or if I expressed concerns about something and she did it anyway - then there would be consequences.

In this case a breakup.


I'm sorry for coming across as angry. I love you all and appreciate every single comment and second that was spent reading and responding no matter what the response. Truly :)
posted by stealabove at 4:20 PM on February 22, 2010

About being cool with it -- sure, as it happens, I might have a roughly equivalent story. I'd been dating Mr. Sculpin for a few months when he skipped out on doing something we'd planned together in favor of spending time with his ex-fiancee for a hands-on "healing session" in the apartment they used to share. (After they'd broken up, she had joined a cult, learned a few biofeedback tricks, and become convinced that she had magical powers.) When I eventually found out about this, I was annoyed and weirded out. You can bet I expressed myself vividly and got the details about just what exactly a healing session entailed. He apologized. Once I'd calmed down, we had a talk about who this woman was and what she could talk him into.

And then... that was it. I didn't get all histrionic about "Trust betrayed!" or worry that I'd gotten suckered. I didn't pressure him to be grateful that I was sticking around. It didn't poison our relationship. It was just this thing. Eight years later, it's funny. There's a lot of ground between "absolutely no problem at all" and "totally messes with your head". Just because you don't like something doesn't mean you have to puff yourself up into a defensive fury for the next several months.

Lay off the drama and the controlling/anxious behavior, or break up. Better yet, do both. Because it sounds to me like she needs a man who has his head screwed on very well indeed, and you are not that man.
posted by sculpin at 4:37 PM on February 22, 2010

It seems like there isn't really a meeting of the hearts in this relationship. When you're in a really good relationship, you have pretty similar standards about things that are important to you. I think you should let this girl go; it sounds like she's still figuring out what kind of attention she wants from others, and it's painful to be with someone who's figuring that out, male or female.

So let her go, let go emotionally of the things she did that you felt were wrong, and meet another lovely lady who wants you and only you. This may feel weird at first, but soon you'll find that it's much more comfortable than being with someone you have to police.
posted by clockzero at 5:41 PM on February 22, 2010

Did she ever actually cheat on you? Because the only borderline situation is that male friend of hers, and I'm not getting the sense she's cheated.

This reads as you being really controlling. Why - besides just being the man - do you think you should have so much say in what she does since she's not risking your health or well being? She has never actually cheated on you.
posted by medea42 at 5:42 PM on February 22, 2010

So the consensus here is basically that I have no business telling my girlfriend what she should wear, who she should talk to, or what she should do while we are in a relationship together.

She should do what she wants to do - and if it doesn't jive with my standards of what is appropriate or acceptable in a relationship then I should walk away from the relationship and make no attempt at developing boundaries for us both as to what is appropriate or not appropriate.

Is this about right?
posted by stealabove at 5:53 PM on February 22, 2010

Yes. You came off as angry at the end. In the beginning you came off as controlling and insecure, also disdainful.

From all of this, we can easily imagine how you act with your girlfriend when you try to "discuss" with her the emails you found (snooped), those friendships of hers that inspire jealousy in you, the outfits you disapprove of, and the new and useful (to you) boundaries you seem to be forever attempting to impose upon her.

Everything I just detailed is via your own in-thread replies. I didn't need to re-interpret much, save suggesting "snooping" for "found" concerning your girlfriend's private emails because, well, let's be honest, eh. And as far as using or reinforcing denigrating terms or phrases - everybody here can use a dictionary and we know when you use words like "vain" and "scandalously" you aren't paying your girlfriend compliments. Whether or not she uses those terms herself is irrelevant.

Ahem.

Somebody must have flagged it, but after one of your rants above I wrote "Seek Therapy."

I mean it, too.

You are not in a healthy place about this relationship. I fear for you both. When we hurt others with our words, actions, or suspicious thoughts - we also hurt ourselves.

You're locked in an unfortunate situation. Your girlfriend sounds like she's working out some personal issues. Some of us here are telling you that you have personal issues, too. Taking these issues out on her, whoever is to blame, it's not helping. Furthermore, you seem to feel this is all on her, and few people here agree with you because your underlying attitude towards your girlfriend really clouds the issue.

Upon Preview - everything sculpin just said. Nicely put!
posted by jbenben at 6:02 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

stealabove, there's no consensus here. I think if you re-read some of the helpful comments upthread you'll find a lot of good thoughts, some of which may apply to you and your situation.

My personal attitude towards relationships is pretty different from yours, but I think we can both agree that what is essential is open and honest communication. You two need to agree on whatever you both can agree is acceptable -- freely and without coercion --- and then be prepared to openly and honestly deal with any kind of transgression in a mutually respectful fashion.

Just take it from that point of view. All the other stuff in the thread about what is or is not okay is just noise -- the only people who can decide what is okay is you and your partner. So make that decision and then understand that shit happens, mistakes are made, and if things are discussed early, honestly and reasonably that much more can be forgiven than if stuff is covered up, hidden or lied about.

Best luck to you.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:03 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Is this about right?"

YES. Because you sound like a scolding parent instead of a romantic partner.
posted by jbenben at 6:04 PM on February 22, 2010

I have no business telling my girlfriend what she should wear, who she should talk to, or what she should do while we are in a relationship together

I agree with this. You are not her keeper. You need to trust that she will be faithful to you no matter what she wears, who she talks to, or what she does.

if it doesn't jive with my standards of what is appropriate or acceptable in a relationship then I should walk away from the relationship and make no attempt at developing boundaries for us both as to what is appropriate or not appropriate

No, if it doesn't jive then you need to (1) examine your standards to make sure you're acting like a partner and not a keeper (hint: telling someone what to wear is not acting like a partner), (2) discuss your feelings (not standards) with her, and listen and respect her feelings (which she seemed to do well when you discussed the vacation situation), and (3) decide whether or not you can trust your partner, and from there decide if you should walk away.
posted by sallybrown at 6:08 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

You are right moxiedoll - I am looking for a set of boundaries or rules. Is that a bad idea?

Don't all relationships have explicit/implicit boundaries and rules for what is and what is not considered acceptable behavior by each partner?

Look at how your questions have changed throughout the course of this thread. In the original question and your first few follow-up replies, you were only looking for ways to get over your trust issues. But now it doesn't sound like you're interested in getting over them at all, only in getting your girlfriend to change for you.

From everything you've said, it sounds like she has made efforts to change in order to please you - you say she stopped dressing so scandalously and also that she apologized for what she did to harm your trust to begin with, and it doesn't sound like she's actually done anything really sketchy since the beginning of your relationship.
posted by wondermouse at 6:12 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

She should do what she wants to do - and if it doesn't jive with my standards of what is appropriate or acceptable in a relationship then I should walk away from the relationship and make no attempt at developing boundaries for us both as to what is appropriate or not appropriate.

You are absolutely allowed to have standards about what is appropriate and acceptable in a relationship. You are justified in setting boundaries for what behavior you will accept in a relationship. You are encouraged to clearly state those boundaries to your girlfriend. You BOTH will then (hopefully) come up with some ground rules for moving forward. You're the only person who is qualified to decide what you absolutely can or can't deal with and you're allowed to have your opinions. If you can't find common ground on those issues that are important to you, then you will most likely find yourself moving on. I recommend that you spend some time figuring out what you do want, rather than what you don't want and moving on from there - right now it sounds like you're hung up on what are for you very big negatives, and that's a tough spot from which to negotiate. Be aware that if you find yourself making ultimatums, you will have to accept the consequences.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:24 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb

Ain't it the truth babe?

It seems to me this is about you developing boundaries for her and deciding what is appropriate for her. When you're the one with the trust issues. Work on your own issues and don't make her and her wardrobe the problem. Look in the mirror. No, you don't have any business telling an adult woman what to wear, who to talk to, or how to behave.

She has the choice to do what she wants - but that choice will have consequences.

This is disturbing stuff.
posted by citron at 8:57 PM on February 22, 2010

You have trust and jealousy issues that are exacerbated by her attention-seeking. One of her life goals is to excel in a dumb, attention-seeking hobby. The two things just aren't compatible.
posted by electroboy at 9:27 PM on February 22, 2010

Go ahead and ask for the boundaries you want and ask her if she can keep those boundaries. You're not acting as her "keeper" when you ask for her and you to come up with mutually acceptable boundaries.

And trust is earned. It is a feeling, not a reward you give someone. And she's done a lot of things that make you feel less trusting towards her than you'd like.

What's needed between you two is a good long talk. Accepting that you might not be able to work it out and have to break up is the first step in that process. Then, from strength you can ask for what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe with your partner and right now you do not feel safe because of some things she has done that were painful to you.

So sit down and define those boundaries and leave if she does not keep her word to you.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:16 AM on February 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

So the consensus here is basically that I have no business telling my girlfriend what she should wear, who she should talk to, or what she should do while we are in a relationship together.

I would never tell someone I was dating what to wear, who to talk to, or what to do. I would tell her how her actions made me feel, and if we had a good relationship, she might adjust her behavior to some degree based on that. Or she might explain why she was acting in a certain way, and I would decide that even if it made me uncomfortable, I could live with it. Or maybe it would turn out to be a basic incompatibility.

If someone I was dating TOLD me how to dress / who to talk to, I would probably break up with her.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:27 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I would never tell someone I was dating what to wear, who to talk to, or what to do

I would tell someone I'm dating not to send to their ex a flirty e-mail with sexy pictures inviting them to go on vacation with them. Call me controlling.

OP, don't sell yourself short. You are entititled to ask for what you want and find some one willing to give it to you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:35 AM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am 25. I have seen the best bodies of my generation destroyed by Myspace Whoreography. Myspace Whoreography has faded, but has been replaced with Facebook Whoreography. Some people (both genders) enjoy spending hours taking sexy / suggestive pictures of themselves to post on social networking sites so that others post comments on the pictures about how HAWT they look. They have no emotional attachment to the anyone who takes the pictures, they have no emotional attachment to anyone who comments on the pictures. It's like how you or I would feel if everyday while we were walking down the street, random cars threw money out to us. I would not care who threw the money, what their motivations were, how big their penis was, I would just like the money. Yoiur girlfriend's "money" is attention.

Your only real issue here is whether you want to deal with that. If you do, fine stay together knowing that she likes to look sexy have have other people know and acknowledge it. If you don't want to deal with it, break up and find someone more into painting, cooking, dancing - anything other than being a self proclaimed sexpot.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:41 PM on February 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

"So the consensus here is basically that I have no business telling my girlfriend what she should wear, who she should talk to, or what she should do while we are in a relationship together. "

yes. you can say "it makes me uncomfortable when you wear x/talk to x. it gives me doubts about whether we should be together or not." if you then find yourself saying this a lot, stop being with her.

the thing is, there is a girl out there that would think you're a vain shallow prick because you're out there, showin your wrists and ankles to every hussy and harlot on the beach. For shame.

While you and I "know" that bathing shorts are totally acceptable, this hypothetical partner would be seriously hurt. Find someone who shares your values so you don't have to A) curtail the freedoms she feels entitled to or B) sulk while she enjoys them and the expense of your peace of mind.
posted by nihlton at 12:51 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

stealabove: Don't all relationships have explicit/implicit boundaries and rules for what is and what is not considered acceptable behavior by each partner?

No.
The only the boundaries and rules in mature sustainable relationships are those set by the individuals themselves on their own behaviours.

There may, however, be agreements such as never talk down to the other, always act with kindness and good manners, and listen and speak fearlessly.

Relationships are built on respect not rules.
posted by Kerasia at 4:39 PM on February 23, 2010 [1 favorite]