How do I get off a crazy guy's radar?
February 20, 2010 10:29 AM Subscribe
I've mentioned my neighbor here before, and I'm still having problems with him. I have quite inadvertently, while trying to live my own life, managed to upset a very unpleasant person who lives right across the street from me. There doesn't seem to be any chance he's ever going to get over it, so I need to know what I'm dealing with so I can determine how to behave around this person.
The short version is this. I have a parking space I don't need and I live in an area where parking is really difficult. A neighbor asked if he could use my space and unfortunately I said yes. He indicated he wanted me to use the space whenever I wanted, but to please schedule it in advance, and by the way if you ever need anything let me know. I never took him up on that because I didn't want his parking problems to become my parking problems - and I'm really uncomfortable with undefined expectations. However, I do occasionally have visitors and I had no interest in involving the neighbor every time I wanted to have a visitor. I want to come and go as I please, not schedule things with the neighbor. Apparently this makes me a bad person. He did some things that caused me to kick him out, and several months later I gave the parking spot to someone else to use. This was a mistake. I realize that now.
This was two years ago and he is still extremely unhappy with me. I am an introvert, I go to work every day, I run my errands after work, so that on the weekend I can stay home. This is how I've set my life up and like it that way. However, he's very loud, and I can often hear him badmouthing me to other neighbors. He seems to have them all wound up about the fact that I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. I'm certain no one would notice me or pay any attention to me if he wasn't out there constantly pointing it out. I hear him telling people this all the time (and I'm uncertain if he wants me to hear him or has no idea I can). And another favorite line of his is "I TOLD HER if she ever needed anything to let me know and SHE NEVER TOOK ME UP ON IT" yelled in a very angry tone and always followed by "Make sure you never ever speak to her. Don't ever talk to her." This has the result of making me feel very uncomfortable inside my own home. I've caught his roommate, and his roommate's friends (he has a new roommate; its not the same one from before) staring into my house watching me. So I keep my blinds shut now but this just further makes me feel uncomfortable inside my own home.
What I want to know is what is up with this guy? We were never friends, or dated, or anything. He's just the guy across the street. Why all this anger over a parking space that doesn't belong to him? Why the need to get the other neighbors on his side? And how should I behave around him? Avoid him openly? Avoid him not openly so as not to anger him further? Be obnoxiously friendly (not really my style). Is this guy just a bully or does he have a screw loose? And how do I get off his radar?
The short version is this. I have a parking space I don't need and I live in an area where parking is really difficult. A neighbor asked if he could use my space and unfortunately I said yes. He indicated he wanted me to use the space whenever I wanted, but to please schedule it in advance, and by the way if you ever need anything let me know. I never took him up on that because I didn't want his parking problems to become my parking problems - and I'm really uncomfortable with undefined expectations. However, I do occasionally have visitors and I had no interest in involving the neighbor every time I wanted to have a visitor. I want to come and go as I please, not schedule things with the neighbor. Apparently this makes me a bad person. He did some things that caused me to kick him out, and several months later I gave the parking spot to someone else to use. This was a mistake. I realize that now.
This was two years ago and he is still extremely unhappy with me. I am an introvert, I go to work every day, I run my errands after work, so that on the weekend I can stay home. This is how I've set my life up and like it that way. However, he's very loud, and I can often hear him badmouthing me to other neighbors. He seems to have them all wound up about the fact that I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. I'm certain no one would notice me or pay any attention to me if he wasn't out there constantly pointing it out. I hear him telling people this all the time (and I'm uncertain if he wants me to hear him or has no idea I can). And another favorite line of his is "I TOLD HER if she ever needed anything to let me know and SHE NEVER TOOK ME UP ON IT" yelled in a very angry tone and always followed by "Make sure you never ever speak to her. Don't ever talk to her." This has the result of making me feel very uncomfortable inside my own home. I've caught his roommate, and his roommate's friends (he has a new roommate; its not the same one from before) staring into my house watching me. So I keep my blinds shut now but this just further makes me feel uncomfortable inside my own home.
What I want to know is what is up with this guy? We were never friends, or dated, or anything. He's just the guy across the street. Why all this anger over a parking space that doesn't belong to him? Why the need to get the other neighbors on his side? And how should I behave around him? Avoid him openly? Avoid him not openly so as not to anger him further? Be obnoxiously friendly (not really my style). Is this guy just a bully or does he have a screw loose? And how do I get off his radar?
I don't know the answer to solving this, but this guy has a screw loose, and I seriously doubt the neighbors are on "his side." They probably just say whatever to get him to stop talking and go away.
I think a good first step, whatever you do after it, is to document every last thing he does in relation to you. I think avoiding interaction/confrontation with him while you are doing that is wise.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
I think a good first step, whatever you do after it, is to document every last thing he does in relation to you. I think avoiding interaction/confrontation with him while you are doing that is wise.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
I don't think you have anything to worry about at all. If I was one of your neighbours and he was telling me how awful you were (and I'd never been bothered by you at all), I'd be nodding and saying nothing waiting to get away from him, thinking that he was the kook and you were the poor unfortunate that has pretty much been randomly selected as his current 'cause'. This will pass, when he gets no reaction he'll move onto something/someone else.
"What is up with this guy?" He's an ass.
posted by Elmore at 10:42 AM on February 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
"What is up with this guy?" He's an ass.
posted by Elmore at 10:42 AM on February 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Here is what your other neighbors are thinking about Mr. Unpleasant:
Damn, I have to talk to that dude again. What a crackpot!
Here is what you should be worried about:
[Nothing]
He is that guy in your 'hood. Stop feeling uncomfortable in your own home*. Stop caring what he thinks of you or the way you live your life or what he says to the neighbors about you. Honestly, the fact that that guy is complaining about you probably paints you in a good light.
When you see him, greet him him with a smile in passing, like you would with a stranger on the street.
*One exception: DO care if you become worried that he will harm you (not just your reputation, you).
posted by sallybrown at 10:47 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Damn, I have to talk to that dude again. What a crackpot!
Here is what you should be worried about:
[Nothing]
He is that guy in your 'hood. Stop feeling uncomfortable in your own home*. Stop caring what he thinks of you or the way you live your life or what he says to the neighbors about you. Honestly, the fact that that guy is complaining about you probably paints you in a good light.
When you see him, greet him him with a smile in passing, like you would with a stranger on the street.
*One exception: DO care if you become worried that he will harm you (not just your reputation, you).
posted by sallybrown at 10:47 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
How does he know that you are home all the time unless he, too, is home all the time? You say you hear him saying all this? Is he just standing outside his house talking to people as they walk by? All signs point to him being mentally unstable. I agree with the above people. When he is badmouthing you to neighbors those people are nodding and smiling because they don't want to aggravate the crazy person. They are just trying to get out of there unscathed. I'm pretty sure all anyone feels is sympathy for you.
All signs point to "do nothing" unless you want to step up the crazy.
posted by smartypantz at 10:54 AM on February 20, 2010
All signs point to "do nothing" unless you want to step up the crazy.
posted by smartypantz at 10:54 AM on February 20, 2010
He's picking on you because he perceives you as a) a person with less allies in the neighborhood than him and b) someone who is just going to take it so it's safe to talk shit.
My guess is that he's drunk or high or brain damaged or manic and your neighbors don't give a shit about him or his weird theories. I know you're an introvert but it sounds like you're crossing the line into paranoia on this one and need input. I think you need to talk to your neighbors (women or couples) and ask them their impressions of his behavior. Tell them that you never thought this would go on so long and you are becoming genuinely concerned and do they think you should take action on it? Most likely they will tell you the guys entire life story. I'm sure they will also support you in whatever you do to make him stop being such an annoying ass.
posted by fshgrl at 11:02 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
My guess is that he's drunk or high or brain damaged or manic and your neighbors don't give a shit about him or his weird theories. I know you're an introvert but it sounds like you're crossing the line into paranoia on this one and need input. I think you need to talk to your neighbors (women or couples) and ask them their impressions of his behavior. Tell them that you never thought this would go on so long and you are becoming genuinely concerned and do they think you should take action on it? Most likely they will tell you the guys entire life story. I'm sure they will also support you in whatever you do to make him stop being such an annoying ass.
posted by fshgrl at 11:02 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Wow. Did you move next door to my Dad?
He's a control freak. He's never, ever going to change, have a second thought, come to his senses, change his mind, open his heart, etc. Not. Ever. The sun is going to come up tomorrow, and that guy will be the way he is. Two years? You'll never come off his radar.
Try to come to grips with that first.
The only thing you can do is change your mind about how you feel about this, and how you react to it. Just nod your head in a friendly way, don't engage and move on.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:02 AM on February 20, 2010
He's a control freak. He's never, ever going to change, have a second thought, come to his senses, change his mind, open his heart, etc. Not. Ever. The sun is going to come up tomorrow, and that guy will be the way he is. Two years? You'll never come off his radar.
Try to come to grips with that first.
The only thing you can do is change your mind about how you feel about this, and how you react to it. Just nod your head in a friendly way, don't engage and move on.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:02 AM on February 20, 2010
Response by poster: I own my condo, I don't rent, and I am quite actually stuck here (I owe way more than its currently worth). However, I like my little condo and would hate to allow him to chase me off.
I do not feel that he would harm me physically. I've never gotten that vibe from him. His roommate's friends creep me out a great deal the way they're always staring at me, but I still don't think anyone would harm me. I am afraid to park outside though and when I need to, I hide my car. I don't think vandalism is out of the question.
I should point out that this guy is Ted Bundy charming. People like him. I even liked him initially. The Ted Bundy reference is not to indicate I think he's a serial killer; just that he puts on a charming facade and I think the other neighbors like him a great deal. And I'm the buzz kill that kicked that great guy out.
posted by Annashouse at 11:05 AM on February 20, 2010
I do not feel that he would harm me physically. I've never gotten that vibe from him. His roommate's friends creep me out a great deal the way they're always staring at me, but I still don't think anyone would harm me. I am afraid to park outside though and when I need to, I hide my car. I don't think vandalism is out of the question.
I should point out that this guy is Ted Bundy charming. People like him. I even liked him initially. The Ted Bundy reference is not to indicate I think he's a serial killer; just that he puts on a charming facade and I think the other neighbors like him a great deal. And I'm the buzz kill that kicked that great guy out.
posted by Annashouse at 11:05 AM on February 20, 2010
Best answer: He does not deserve a parking space in your head. Let him go. The only people who may be influenced by his gossip are also not worth your time--most will figure him out.
We were never friends, or dated, or anything.
This may be his problem. One of his problems.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:07 AM on February 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
We were never friends, or dated, or anything.
This may be his problem. One of his problems.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:07 AM on February 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
Wait, wait. OK this guy's a nut, and your other neighbors more than likely understand that.
But his roommates have been looking in your windows?? That is what I'd be worried about. As in call the cops next time.
posted by cmoj at 11:07 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
But his roommates have been looking in your windows?? That is what I'd be worried about. As in call the cops next time.
posted by cmoj at 11:07 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
The live-in son of my downstairs neighbors is one of these people. Just shine him on, everybody knows he's crazy. Nobody who says "don't ever talk to her" is ever taken seriously.
posted by rhizome at 11:11 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by rhizome at 11:11 AM on February 20, 2010
Yeah, aside from this crazy guy's rants, the window-staring thing is really creepy. How far away from your window are they when they're looking in? Maybe you could put up some sheer curtains that you can leave closed all the time but don't totally block the light, just so it'll be harder for them to actually see in.
posted by wondermouse at 11:14 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by wondermouse at 11:14 AM on February 20, 2010
Does that mean you are not even using the parking spot you took back from him? I feel like this would anger him more.
Also, the staring thing is worrying. I'd talk to the cops if this continues to happen. Even just to have it recorded that you are having problems with this guy and buddies. Especially if you fear vandalism. That's not cool.
posted by smartypantz at 11:14 AM on February 20, 2010
Also, the staring thing is worrying. I'd talk to the cops if this continues to happen. Even just to have it recorded that you are having problems with this guy and buddies. Especially if you fear vandalism. That's not cool.
posted by smartypantz at 11:14 AM on February 20, 2010
Best answer: So this guy yells about in the neighborhood telling people not to talk to you. The question is, would they talk to you, if you made them, or would they listen to what he has to say? The 'best answer' to your previous question was 'talk to your neighbors'. Seems good advice even now, introvert or not. Locking yourself up in your home with closed blinds doesn't seem sustainable.
Apparently this has been going on for more than a year. I don't believe that you can get "off the radar" of a person who has assumed the habit of discussing your private moves in public, unless he himself wants it to happen for some reason beyond your control. I'd probably put my energy into looking for a new place (on preview, I see the financial problem. I do not really see the "allow him to chase you off" thing. You've already allowed him to make you eat yourself up about his freaky behavior while you're, for Pete's sake, in your own home!)
And: hard as it may seem, don't let him trick you into wondering "what's up with this guy". He has some disturbing issues, if your description is accurate. What else would you like to know?
posted by Namlit at 11:19 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Apparently this has been going on for more than a year. I don't believe that you can get "off the radar" of a person who has assumed the habit of discussing your private moves in public, unless he himself wants it to happen for some reason beyond your control. I'd probably put my energy into looking for a new place (on preview, I see the financial problem. I do not really see the "allow him to chase you off" thing. You've already allowed him to make you eat yourself up about his freaky behavior while you're, for Pete's sake, in your own home!)
And: hard as it may seem, don't let him trick you into wondering "what's up with this guy". He has some disturbing issues, if your description is accurate. What else would you like to know?
posted by Namlit at 11:19 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
You give no reason to think he's violent (the neighbor, not the roommate), but has he *escalated* this behavior?
If there is escalation or you do suspect *any* potential for violence, a key question become: do you live alone?
Bare minimum, increase your security: change and improve locks, make sure your window coverings are opaque, keep a wireless phone in as many rooms as you can, have a good lock on an internal room to which you can retreat, consider a professional alarm system, make sure your friends or co-workers know your schedule and expect you to check in, be doubly cautious of coming home after dark - maybe vary your rhythms a little and don't always shop after work, go at lunch, etc. A dog might come in handy, esp. if you have a yard it can exercise in, since walking the dog around the neighborhood may invite further confrontation. On the other hand, it will help you meet and get to know your neighbors (I doubt they believe anything he says, like many above), who are probably your best line of physical security. Be aware and alert, don't leave the doors open when you're getting groceries from the front steps, etc. Get your mail sent to a Mailboxes Etc box or a PO Box, so there's no chance of him looking through your mail when you're not there.
If you have even a slight instinct that there's a potential for violence, you should perhaps go speak with a detective at your local police. They may or may not be responsive or helpful if you're not in a position to file any charges, but if you present a serious case for concern, in a calm and *documented* way (keep records of any suspicious or threatening activity), and you draw a sympathetic officer (I'd say try to speak to a female officer if possible), they can increase patrols in the neighborhood or otherwise keep this guy on their radar.
Ignoring is the right answer most of the time, but the few times it isn't can lead to tragedy.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:20 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
If there is escalation or you do suspect *any* potential for violence, a key question become: do you live alone?
Bare minimum, increase your security: change and improve locks, make sure your window coverings are opaque, keep a wireless phone in as many rooms as you can, have a good lock on an internal room to which you can retreat, consider a professional alarm system, make sure your friends or co-workers know your schedule and expect you to check in, be doubly cautious of coming home after dark - maybe vary your rhythms a little and don't always shop after work, go at lunch, etc. A dog might come in handy, esp. if you have a yard it can exercise in, since walking the dog around the neighborhood may invite further confrontation. On the other hand, it will help you meet and get to know your neighbors (I doubt they believe anything he says, like many above), who are probably your best line of physical security. Be aware and alert, don't leave the doors open when you're getting groceries from the front steps, etc. Get your mail sent to a Mailboxes Etc box or a PO Box, so there's no chance of him looking through your mail when you're not there.
If you have even a slight instinct that there's a potential for violence, you should perhaps go speak with a detective at your local police. They may or may not be responsive or helpful if you're not in a position to file any charges, but if you present a serious case for concern, in a calm and *documented* way (keep records of any suspicious or threatening activity), and you draw a sympathetic officer (I'd say try to speak to a female officer if possible), they can increase patrols in the neighborhood or otherwise keep this guy on their radar.
Ignoring is the right answer most of the time, but the few times it isn't can lead to tragedy.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:20 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The staring thing seems to be a deliberate attempt to creep me out (and in fact, it does work). If I take trash out to the dumpster, and they're out, they'll stop what they're doing and openly stare at me until I go back into the house. I have never given them any reaction and in fact pretend to be oblivious. I would have thought they would have grown bored with this by now.
I often like to be in my kitchen and I have a sliding door that does not even face their home, it faces another street. They will come around to that side of my house and stand out there and openly stare into my home. This is done on purpose for sure, but other than creeping me out, I don't know what their point is. I've jokingly told my sister I must be fascinating.
I'm reluctant to involve the police. It feels like I'd be just calling even more attention to myself, and giving this guy the excuse he needs to escalate.
In regard to being able to hear him, I'm on the second floor, and while I refer to him being across the street, he is really just across the alley. He has a naturally loud voice and yes, he does just stop random people on the street and badmouth me and I can hear him without making any effort to eavesdrop. I half suspect he knows I can hear him. I've committed to keeping my windows shut to keep his voice out of my home, but thats counter to how I like to live. I like fresh air flowing through the house and can't afford to run my AC all the time.
posted by Annashouse at 11:26 AM on February 20, 2010
I often like to be in my kitchen and I have a sliding door that does not even face their home, it faces another street. They will come around to that side of my house and stand out there and openly stare into my home. This is done on purpose for sure, but other than creeping me out, I don't know what their point is. I've jokingly told my sister I must be fascinating.
I'm reluctant to involve the police. It feels like I'd be just calling even more attention to myself, and giving this guy the excuse he needs to escalate.
In regard to being able to hear him, I'm on the second floor, and while I refer to him being across the street, he is really just across the alley. He has a naturally loud voice and yes, he does just stop random people on the street and badmouth me and I can hear him without making any effort to eavesdrop. I half suspect he knows I can hear him. I've committed to keeping my windows shut to keep his voice out of my home, but thats counter to how I like to live. I like fresh air flowing through the house and can't afford to run my AC all the time.
posted by Annashouse at 11:26 AM on February 20, 2010
Whoa. I just read your previous question where you mention the roommate let the air out of your tires and did "other nasty stuff." That *absolutely* merits a conversation with the police.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:28 AM on February 20, 2010 [12 favorites]
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:28 AM on February 20, 2010 [12 favorites]
The guy has a screw loose. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, you need to go to the police, and perhaps get a restraining order.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:29 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by KokuRyu at 11:29 AM on February 20, 2010
Sorry, Annashouse -- I didn't see your followup. But this is police business. How long has the staring and stalking been going on?
You're going to have to call attention to this situation. It's better than getting hurt.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:32 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're going to have to call attention to this situation. It's better than getting hurt.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:32 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
i'm normally not a fan of involving cops and lawyers, but this is a bit ridiculous. People going around to the other side of your condo in order to stare in the window at you is over the top.
I think the next time that happens, you should call the cops. Tell them that there are men standing there staring into your window, and you're scared.
posted by bingo at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [12 favorites]
I think the next time that happens, you should call the cops. Tell them that there are men standing there staring into your window, and you're scared.
posted by bingo at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [12 favorites]
I agree about notifying the police. What about your condo association? The behavior you describe, even without the back history, is unacceptable. I would imagine that if you live in a predominantly owner-occupied community, residents are subject to bylaws with a board that handles matters relating to restricted parking, shared garbage facilities and keeping the peace. I'm not advocating an escalation of the crazy, but it might be a viable way to redress the actions of non-resident guests -- with support from neighbors.
posted by woodway at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by woodway at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do you have a camera? When they stare at you, take their picture. They'll love that.
posted by adamrice at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [22 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2010 [22 favorites]
If you have any access at all to a small (three would do) crowd of big, powerful, loud, and rough looking men, whether by family connection, any degree of acquaintance, or even a hiring hall, somehow induce them to come over to your house a day you know your neighbor will be home, and spend an hour or two in front of your place doing something which involves loud shouting back and forth in which your first name figures prominently, and lots of heavy, coarse laughter.
Since this all started with cars, maybe you could have them rotate your tires.
I strongly suspect your neighbor would become instantly more biddable.
posted by jamjam at 11:41 AM on February 20, 2010
Since this all started with cars, maybe you could have them rotate your tires.
I strongly suspect your neighbor would become instantly more biddable.
posted by jamjam at 11:41 AM on February 20, 2010
Coming around to the other side of your place to stare is crossing the line. You need to tell the police.
What would happen if you acknowledged them, like "hey, how's it going.....why are you staring at me?" Do you think you could make them uncomfortable enough to stop?
On preview: take their photo, both as evidence and to see if that will make them leave.
posted by smartypantz at 11:44 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
What would happen if you acknowledged them, like "hey, how's it going.....why are you staring at me?" Do you think you could make them uncomfortable enough to stop?
On preview: take their photo, both as evidence and to see if that will make them leave.
posted by smartypantz at 11:44 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
They will come around to that side of my house and stand out there and openly stare into my home.
That's not even remotely acceptable. These people are harassing you. The reason why they're still doing it is they get away with it. Hiding them and ignoring them hasn't worked so far and it's not going to work in the future, you need to talk to the police. Ring their non emergency number, tell them you're kind of embarrassed and not even sure if you should complain but it's making you feel like crap so you figured you'd ask, then talk to them about the situation and see what they say.
posted by shelleycat at 11:45 AM on February 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
That's not even remotely acceptable. These people are harassing you. The reason why they're still doing it is they get away with it. Hiding them and ignoring them hasn't worked so far and it's not going to work in the future, you need to talk to the police. Ring their non emergency number, tell them you're kind of embarrassed and not even sure if you should complain but it's making you feel like crap so you figured you'd ask, then talk to them about the situation and see what they say.
posted by shelleycat at 11:45 AM on February 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
I'm going to agree with those who have suggested talking to the police. Badmouthing can be filed under the heading of "ignore this loser," but the other things you've mentioned definitely call for outside intervention.
posted by thomas j wise at 11:46 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by thomas j wise at 11:46 AM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
I just read your earlier question.
Repeat after me: I deserve to feel safe in my own home.
The time for getting the cops involved was aaaages ago. The situation has escalated. They are going out of their way to scare you and intimidate you! They are making a deliberate effort to stare into your home! This is not normal sane behavior, and frankly I would be concerned about the next step being home invasion. They do not respect your privacy or your boundaries and it is long past time for the authorities to be involved.
Call the cops. Call them right now. Tell them the whole story. Discuss with them what the appropriate steps are--restraining orders, sending an officer to their door to talk with them, legal action. The next time these creeps are staring in your window, call the cops again and have them send an officer out.
I say again, you deserve to feel safe in your own home.
Slightly off-topic, but I strongly urge you to get some assertiveness and/or self-defense training. This has gone on way longer than it should have, and while it's nice to be nice, it's also good to know when that time has passed.
The time to be nice has passed.
Call. The. Cops. Now.
posted by athenasbanquet at 11:52 AM on February 20, 2010 [30 favorites]
Repeat after me: I deserve to feel safe in my own home.
The time for getting the cops involved was aaaages ago. The situation has escalated. They are going out of their way to scare you and intimidate you! They are making a deliberate effort to stare into your home! This is not normal sane behavior, and frankly I would be concerned about the next step being home invasion. They do not respect your privacy or your boundaries and it is long past time for the authorities to be involved.
Call the cops. Call them right now. Tell them the whole story. Discuss with them what the appropriate steps are--restraining orders, sending an officer to their door to talk with them, legal action. The next time these creeps are staring in your window, call the cops again and have them send an officer out.
I say again, you deserve to feel safe in your own home.
Slightly off-topic, but I strongly urge you to get some assertiveness and/or self-defense training. This has gone on way longer than it should have, and while it's nice to be nice, it's also good to know when that time has passed.
The time to be nice has passed.
Call. The. Cops. Now.
posted by athenasbanquet at 11:52 AM on February 20, 2010 [30 favorites]
I just read your previous question. I can't believe this guy is still harassing you!
You need to go to the police. Really, honestly, no more messing around and letting them intimidate you. Who cares what anyone else might think about you, you need to rock the boat here and get this douchebag dealt with.
I think you need a restraining order! Seriously, this is illegal behaviour.
Call. The. Cops. Now.
posted by athenasbanquet at 11:52 AM on February 20
NOW! Right now. Today. Not tomorrow. Just get it done.
posted by smartypantz at 11:59 AM on February 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
You need to go to the police. Really, honestly, no more messing around and letting them intimidate you. Who cares what anyone else might think about you, you need to rock the boat here and get this douchebag dealt with.
I think you need a restraining order! Seriously, this is illegal behaviour.
Call. The. Cops. Now.
posted by athenasbanquet at 11:52 AM on February 20
NOW! Right now. Today. Not tomorrow. Just get it done.
posted by smartypantz at 11:59 AM on February 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
I noticed this quote from your last question about these guys: "I am trying to be kind (please don't laugh)." This can get people in trouble -- get them to not cross the street when they see something shady up ahead; get them to hold the door to their apartment building open for the guy behind them, even if they don't recognize him; get them to close their blinds and hide rather than calling the police when people are harassing them and escalating.
If you felt safe, I'd agree with you that it's not something to call the police about. But you don't feel safe.
You've probably seen it recommended before, but there's no harm in reading The Gift of Fear, just for reassurance that you should be listening to your gut sense of unease here, rather than telling yourself all the reasons you shouldn't be doing anything about this.
So yeah, call the police.
posted by palliser at 12:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
If you felt safe, I'd agree with you that it's not something to call the police about. But you don't feel safe.
You've probably seen it recommended before, but there's no harm in reading The Gift of Fear, just for reassurance that you should be listening to your gut sense of unease here, rather than telling yourself all the reasons you shouldn't be doing anything about this.
So yeah, call the police.
posted by palliser at 12:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Disclaimer: I'm generally no fan of involving the police in petty disputes but this isn't petty anymore. The fact that you "jokingly" say he's Ted Bundy-charming is a huge red flag. Your gut is telling you something you don't want to acknowledge.
If this guy and his scumbag friends are stalking you inside your own home, which they are if they're going around to the side of your place and staring into your back door, then you need to contact the police. It's too late to worry about "drawing more attention to yourself", okay? This guy is fixated on you and is not going to stop until you take action to make him stop.
He's a bully. He gets a thrill out of knowing that he and his friends scare you. He sees you as a pushover, an easy and willing target. Prove him wrong.
Document everything. When he talks about you, write down what he said and when (date, time) he said it. When they're looking in your windows, take their picture. Get a cheap motion-activated webcam that stores information on a remote server. Point it at your back door and enjoy the fun of catching them in the act even when you aren't home, each and every time. Get a large dog from a rescue, if you can. Get some ADT stickers if you can't afford the actual alarm system. Meet and talk to your other neighbors. It might seem daunting, but you need to do it. Your refusal to get to know the others around you is aiding this guy in targeting you.
When they vandalize your car, file a police report. When you have photo evidence of them peering into your windows, file a police report. When you hear him screaming in the alley, write down what he's saying and then call in a noise complaint. Do this every. Single. Time. Show this loser that actions have consequences, and that the consequences of attempting to bully you will be very, very, very unpleasant for him.
Whatever you do, don't let this go on any longer. It's long past time to stand up for yourself.
posted by balls at 12:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [8 favorites]
If this guy and his scumbag friends are stalking you inside your own home, which they are if they're going around to the side of your place and staring into your back door, then you need to contact the police. It's too late to worry about "drawing more attention to yourself", okay? This guy is fixated on you and is not going to stop until you take action to make him stop.
He's a bully. He gets a thrill out of knowing that he and his friends scare you. He sees you as a pushover, an easy and willing target. Prove him wrong.
Document everything. When he talks about you, write down what he said and when (date, time) he said it. When they're looking in your windows, take their picture. Get a cheap motion-activated webcam that stores information on a remote server. Point it at your back door and enjoy the fun of catching them in the act even when you aren't home, each and every time. Get a large dog from a rescue, if you can. Get some ADT stickers if you can't afford the actual alarm system. Meet and talk to your other neighbors. It might seem daunting, but you need to do it. Your refusal to get to know the others around you is aiding this guy in targeting you.
When they vandalize your car, file a police report. When you have photo evidence of them peering into your windows, file a police report. When you hear him screaming in the alley, write down what he's saying and then call in a noise complaint. Do this every. Single. Time. Show this loser that actions have consequences, and that the consequences of attempting to bully you will be very, very, very unpleasant for him.
Whatever you do, don't let this go on any longer. It's long past time to stand up for yourself.
posted by balls at 12:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [8 favorites]
Is there a neighborhood association? As much as I would normally not involve them in what is essentially a personal dispute with a crazy person, he and his roommates are disturbing you. You absolutely should not have to hide your car to park. You own this place, it's yours, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. He's taking advantage of you.
posted by desuetude at 12:03 PM on February 20, 2010
posted by desuetude at 12:03 PM on February 20, 2010
OK, it initially sounded like guys were curiously looking into your window from across the street or something. Now it sounds much worse. It's not just about crazy neighbor dude; he and his roommates and their friends are actively harassing you and stalking you. You need to involve the police, or move somewhere else if you are not willing to do that.
I don't agree with people who have said you should take those guys' pictures when they stare into your window. That might incite them further, and you'd have no protection if they try to break in because you anger them by taking their picture.
posted by wondermouse at 12:05 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't agree with people who have said you should take those guys' pictures when they stare into your window. That might incite them further, and you'd have no protection if they try to break in because you anger them by taking their picture.
posted by wondermouse at 12:05 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh my god, I should have previewed after leaving this tab open too long.
Call the police. They're harassing you. Period.
posted by desuetude at 12:07 PM on February 20, 2010
Call the police. They're harassing you. Period.
posted by desuetude at 12:07 PM on February 20, 2010
Best answer: Oh yeah, and pick up two books and read them cover to cover:
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert Hare.
You need to learn to trust your gut, and you need to learn that some people are sick monsters who get a kick out of torturing normals.
posted by balls at 12:07 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert Hare.
You need to learn to trust your gut, and you need to learn that some people are sick monsters who get a kick out of torturing normals.
posted by balls at 12:07 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes. Cops. It was my suggestion a year ago, and I still stand by it. Tenfold now.
posted by Vaike at 12:15 PM on February 20, 2010
posted by Vaike at 12:15 PM on February 20, 2010
Agree with the above that it would have been a good idea to contact the police a long time ago. You have the car vandalism documented on AskMeFi. If you have any other stuff documented it would be good to take that along as well.
Do you have a family member, your mom, a sibling, a close friend, etc. that could come and stay a few weeks with you? It isn't good for you to be alone with them being so agressive.
Also agree that some self defense/ assertiveness training would be good for you.
You have taken this crap long enough. It is time to take a stand and hold your ground. You don't have to do it in an extrovert-agressive way. You have the law on your side. It's time to kick butt, girl.
Also, when you report it, make sure the officer you talk to seems to take everything seriously. You think police have been trained, etc., and most of them have been, but then you hear stories of one acting archaic...
Your neighbor is dangerous as a snake. Please be careful.
Do not accept his intimidation, but choose action that will change your circumstances, regardless of what your emotional preferences are.
Also, make sure someone knows to check in on you if you don't come to work, etc.
God bless you.
posted by srbrunson at 12:17 PM on February 20, 2010
Do you have a family member, your mom, a sibling, a close friend, etc. that could come and stay a few weeks with you? It isn't good for you to be alone with them being so agressive.
Also agree that some self defense/ assertiveness training would be good for you.
You have taken this crap long enough. It is time to take a stand and hold your ground. You don't have to do it in an extrovert-agressive way. You have the law on your side. It's time to kick butt, girl.
Also, when you report it, make sure the officer you talk to seems to take everything seriously. You think police have been trained, etc., and most of them have been, but then you hear stories of one acting archaic...
Your neighbor is dangerous as a snake. Please be careful.
Do not accept his intimidation, but choose action that will change your circumstances, regardless of what your emotional preferences are.
Also, make sure someone knows to check in on you if you don't come to work, etc.
God bless you.
posted by srbrunson at 12:17 PM on February 20, 2010
I'm reluctant to involve the police. It feels like I'd be just calling even more attention to myself, and giving this guy the excuse he needs to escalate.
Yeah, they're counting on this. You're letting them get away with this kind of stuff:
-he would let the air out of one of one my tires to punish me
-they will come around to that side of my house and stand out there and openly stare into my home. This is done on purpose for sure, but other than creeping me out
You are being harrassed. Period. The camera idea is a good one. But whatever you do, call the police.
No seriously; whatever ridiculous reason you're about to talk yourself out of calling the police with is endangering your saftey.
posted by spaltavian at 12:18 PM on February 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
Yeah, they're counting on this. You're letting them get away with this kind of stuff:
-he would let the air out of one of one my tires to punish me
-they will come around to that side of my house and stand out there and openly stare into my home. This is done on purpose for sure, but other than creeping me out
You are being harrassed. Period. The camera idea is a good one. But whatever you do, call the police.
No seriously; whatever ridiculous reason you're about to talk yourself out of calling the police with is endangering your saftey.
posted by spaltavian at 12:18 PM on February 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
These guys are making me so angry and I don't even know them (or you). You need to call the police and your condo association. It's time to take your parking space back and set some boundaries for appropriate behavior. No more letting air out of your tires or staring into your windows. I'm afraid for you that they might do worse eventually, but even if this doesn't escalate, what they're doing now is completely over the line.
posted by whitelily at 12:23 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by whitelily at 12:23 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Set up some webcams pointing at the back door, and any other windows that they stare into. Document everything they do, and go to the police with this.
posted by marsha56 at 1:06 PM on February 20, 2010
posted by marsha56 at 1:06 PM on February 20, 2010
And yeah, if at all possible, get a dog, a big one.
posted by marsha56 at 1:07 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by marsha56 at 1:07 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Another idea: have a professionally installed video surveillance system put in, and highly visible at that -- a camera in front and one on the side where they come around. Ideally, you'd get wireless internet cameras you could watch from work or from inside your house on your computer, and record their activities. Good motion-sensitive cameras that do this come from trendnet and panasonic and can be found on Amazon.com for around $150, but I suggest you have them installed by a handyman, high up and securely, outside the house. The visible presence of monitoring cameras can be a deterrent, and that way you're not physically confronting them camera in hand. You can accumulate recorded evidence of their comings and goings. You can do this yourself for a few hundred bucks, or subscribe to a professional home security company, which in this case sounds entirely worth it to me for around $120-150 a month in most situations (but you might still want to be able to monitor and record your premises youself).
Let them know they're being watched, but don't put yourself physically in their way.
posted by fourcheesemac at 1:11 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Let them know they're being watched, but don't put yourself physically in their way.
posted by fourcheesemac at 1:11 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
You "ignoring" (but not very well, they can see that) them is just encouraging them. Certain things, like staring from his front porch, acting dickish if you meet, those things you ignore. Intentionally provocative things like walking around to stare in your window, though, require a response. At least a "is there something I can help you with? Is there a reason why you're staring into my windows? Do I need to call the police?"
Depending on how I felt about my safety, I might just go out there and have it out in public. When I heard him saying my name, I'd go out there and ask "what is your problem anyway? I haven't done anything to you."
I'm a guy, though.
posted by ctmf at 1:11 PM on February 20, 2010
Depending on how I felt about my safety, I might just go out there and have it out in public. When I heard him saying my name, I'd go out there and ask "what is your problem anyway? I haven't done anything to you."
I'm a guy, though.
posted by ctmf at 1:11 PM on February 20, 2010
Oh my god, I am furious at these horrible people! Please feel my anger and contact the police. I also strongly, strongly, strongly urge you to install a video camera angled at the alley where these guys stand to look into your house and just set it to record 24/7. Let them see that your camera is there and keep the tapes so that you have a record of their behavior. There's a small but real chance that the knowledge that they are being taped will deter this completely inappropriate behavior by your neighbors, and if it doesn't, showing the tapes to the police will help the police fully understand the scope of the problem.
Seriously, their behavior is beyond the pale and you are completely justified in taking steps to protect yourself. You do not owe them anything. Do not let them bully you like this. They are 100% in the wrong. I am this close to coming over there and giving them a piece of my mind.
posted by prefpara at 1:19 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Seriously, their behavior is beyond the pale and you are completely justified in taking steps to protect yourself. You do not owe them anything. Do not let them bully you like this. They are 100% in the wrong. I am this close to coming over there and giving them a piece of my mind.
posted by prefpara at 1:19 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, if they have continued to slash your tires, point a camera at that spot. When they slashed your tires they were committing a crime. Call the police! Call them call them call them! Bullies are often cowards, and it may be that once a police offices has a chat with these assholes, they will back the fuck off. Do you have an assertive friend who can help you handle this situation, take you to the police station, etc.? Do you need such a friend? I'm in NY, memail me if I can help. I would be happy to.
posted by prefpara at 1:27 PM on February 20, 2010
posted by prefpara at 1:27 PM on February 20, 2010
Sorry about the multiple posts. I keep thinking of more things.
Just to be clear, you have done NOTHING that would justify their behavior and you ought to feel NO responsibility for this situation and NO guilt. Even if you had treated these guys like shit, given them the finger, told them to fuck off, and intentionally jerked them around and messed with their parking, they would not have been justified in slashing your tires, harassing you, and stalking you! They are criminals and you need to call the police about their criminal actions! You are 100% right and they are 100% wrong.
posted by prefpara at 1:31 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just to be clear, you have done NOTHING that would justify their behavior and you ought to feel NO responsibility for this situation and NO guilt. Even if you had treated these guys like shit, given them the finger, told them to fuck off, and intentionally jerked them around and messed with their parking, they would not have been justified in slashing your tires, harassing you, and stalking you! They are criminals and you need to call the police about their criminal actions! You are 100% right and they are 100% wrong.
posted by prefpara at 1:31 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
My neighbor downstairs is like the man you describe. We had an altercation over his three day parties. At first he would scream at me through his door as he heard me walking down the stairs. He bad mouthed me to all the neighbors who began to be cold to me. He would come out to the courtyard and yell at me through the windows.
I documented everything, sent him letters that I was planning to call the police, and take him to small claims court, and get him evicted.
Eventually, he alienated all of the other neighbors as well. He got an eviction notice from the landlord. Now he keeps to himself. I don't do anything to interact with him.
Take your living space back. Get reflective window covers so you can have your sunlight without anyone being able to see into your house. Get permeable drapes that allow air in and screen out prying eyes. Let others know you are being bullied, and create as much distance as possible from him. It's not illegal to be home as much as you want, and comfortable.
posted by effluvia at 1:38 PM on February 20, 2010
I documented everything, sent him letters that I was planning to call the police, and take him to small claims court, and get him evicted.
Eventually, he alienated all of the other neighbors as well. He got an eviction notice from the landlord. Now he keeps to himself. I don't do anything to interact with him.
Take your living space back. Get reflective window covers so you can have your sunlight without anyone being able to see into your house. Get permeable drapes that allow air in and screen out prying eyes. Let others know you are being bullied, and create as much distance as possible from him. It's not illegal to be home as much as you want, and comfortable.
posted by effluvia at 1:38 PM on February 20, 2010
The local police are your best source of advice for this matter. You should have documentation of a case number for insurance purposes at the very least. They might not solve the issue instantly. Don't let that put you off. Telling the police is positive no matter what.
My car stereo was stolen some years ago; I got a case number and had the insurance company repair my car. Time passed. Same car, same parking space, new stereo gone too. I reported the second incident, and the only reason the police investigated was due to the fact that the idiot left behind a wrench he used to smash the entry window. It was unnerving but not a personal matter. The police asked to be sure I was not threatened either time.
Your case is different. The car is NOT your biggest concern. Intimidation and aggressiveness endanger your safety and security. DO call the police, and describe everything you mention here. Find out what they say. They know the community better than any of us.
posted by woodway at 2:00 PM on February 20, 2010
My car stereo was stolen some years ago; I got a case number and had the insurance company repair my car. Time passed. Same car, same parking space, new stereo gone too. I reported the second incident, and the only reason the police investigated was due to the fact that the idiot left behind a wrench he used to smash the entry window. It was unnerving but not a personal matter. The police asked to be sure I was not threatened either time.
Your case is different. The car is NOT your biggest concern. Intimidation and aggressiveness endanger your safety and security. DO call the police, and describe everything you mention here. Find out what they say. They know the community better than any of us.
posted by woodway at 2:00 PM on February 20, 2010
Best answer: This guy and his friends are acting in ways that are off-the-charts unacceptable. You are reacting like you're doing something wrong. I would strongly encourage you to talk about this with a therapist or to take the above suggestion of assertiveness or self-defense training. And to discuss the situation with the police.
You're being harassed daily and your response is to want to call less attention to yourself? This is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to persuade or appease this person, short of moving away. You deserve to enter and leave your condo whenever you want, without harassment; to use or not use your designated parking space whenever you want; and to be treated civilly by your neighbors.
Moreover, it's OK to call attention to yourself. It's OK to be visible and confident. Being someone who attracts attention is not the same thing as being someone who deserves to be harassed.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:09 PM on February 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
You're being harassed daily and your response is to want to call less attention to yourself? This is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to persuade or appease this person, short of moving away. You deserve to enter and leave your condo whenever you want, without harassment; to use or not use your designated parking space whenever you want; and to be treated civilly by your neighbors.
Moreover, it's OK to call attention to yourself. It's OK to be visible and confident. Being someone who attracts attention is not the same thing as being someone who deserves to be harassed.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:09 PM on February 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Don't let him drive you crazy. Live your life. Ignore this guy. Do not let him intimidate you. That is his power over you. He is a problem, but your reaction to this him is YOUR problem.
If you feel your life or safety is in jeopardy, go to the police. Don't worry that they will no take you seriously, the police are there to protect you. Don't tell him you are going to the police. Don't talk to him at all.
Do not engage this man with email, letters, phone calls, conversation or any other mode of communication. Do not feed his ego. Tell yourself: this man does not exist to me. You are ultimately responsible for the way you act.
posted by fifilaru at 2:12 PM on February 20, 2010
If you feel your life or safety is in jeopardy, go to the police. Don't worry that they will no take you seriously, the police are there to protect you. Don't tell him you are going to the police. Don't talk to him at all.
Do not engage this man with email, letters, phone calls, conversation or any other mode of communication. Do not feed his ego. Tell yourself: this man does not exist to me. You are ultimately responsible for the way you act.
posted by fifilaru at 2:12 PM on February 20, 2010
And yeah, if at all possible, get a dog, a big one.
Always nice. Failing that, handguns are quite frightening to most people (not for everyone I know!).
posted by uni verse at 2:47 PM on February 20, 2010
Always nice. Failing that, handguns are quite frightening to most people (not for everyone I know!).
posted by uni verse at 2:47 PM on February 20, 2010
I agree that you need to involve the police. If you don't want cops at your house you could always go down to the station and talk to somebody face to face.
As far as the other neighbors go, maybe you could extend the hand of friendship. I am admittedly not a shy person, but I did grow up as an Army kid so I know how hard it can be to make friends. I say you should go to the store and buy a ton of cookies and take them to all your neighbors (except Crazy.) Don't make them yourself because some people may not trust food from you after all that Crazy has told them. (Store bought would also be proof that you do in fact leave the house!) Then go around to all your neighbors and introduce yourself. Tell them that you've decided that it's about time that you got to know all your neighbors but that since you're so shy it took you awhile to get up the nerve. Ask their names and try to make a little small talk for a few minutes, then excuse yourself to go deliver more cookies. Don't mention the incident with Crazy, in fact don't mention Crazy at all. Just show the people that you are normal and nice. After you've met them, if you see them on the street make an effort to smile and wave. Hopefully they will come to realize that you are totally normal and that Crazy is the one with the problem. If not at least you have been the classier person. (Of course you should only do this if you feel safe. Nervousness because you're shy is one thing, creeped out by your neighbors is different.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:51 PM on February 20, 2010
As far as the other neighbors go, maybe you could extend the hand of friendship. I am admittedly not a shy person, but I did grow up as an Army kid so I know how hard it can be to make friends. I say you should go to the store and buy a ton of cookies and take them to all your neighbors (except Crazy.) Don't make them yourself because some people may not trust food from you after all that Crazy has told them. (Store bought would also be proof that you do in fact leave the house!) Then go around to all your neighbors and introduce yourself. Tell them that you've decided that it's about time that you got to know all your neighbors but that since you're so shy it took you awhile to get up the nerve. Ask their names and try to make a little small talk for a few minutes, then excuse yourself to go deliver more cookies. Don't mention the incident with Crazy, in fact don't mention Crazy at all. Just show the people that you are normal and nice. After you've met them, if you see them on the street make an effort to smile and wave. Hopefully they will come to realize that you are totally normal and that Crazy is the one with the problem. If not at least you have been the classier person. (Of course you should only do this if you feel safe. Nervousness because you're shy is one thing, creeped out by your neighbors is different.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:51 PM on February 20, 2010
Best answer: For future reference, I'd suggest you consider that anyone who wants to borrow your parking place and puts such conditions as scheduling YOUR use in advance is somewhere in the loony spectrum. It may be too late now for you to set up your own conditions (as in, if you want guaranteed access, you'll need to pay me $500/month) but you do appear to need some counseling on being assertive and setting limits.
posted by path at 3:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by path at 3:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with a lot of the posts, especially jam-jam. When a bully or aggressor smells withdrawal, it actually can trigger pursuit. It's a sign of weakness, like turning your back on a tiger. You write like some lily who thinks of this interaction as some kind of offputting annoyance when these thugs are actively harassing you in your living space. It's understandable. I've been harassed by people and found myself doing the Swiss hostage routine. I couldn't find room to fight back because I was outnumbered and had no one who had my back. I was young too and so appeased or withdrew, which only created more of the same.
Now, I set strong boundaries, strong understandings and don't allow things to escalate by getting into strange scenarios if I can possibly avoid or prevent them.
I personally don't want to involve police in my affairs if at all possible. Having the police moderate a neighborhood bad vibe best wouldn't be my approach. However, I'm male and have a different sensibility about my personal space than a female would. I think jam-jam's idea is quite practical. Get some brawny male energy around your home for awhile. Have a couple of pet bad boys over, hopefully ones that won't create new problems, and have them quite visibly own your territory. Maybe send a few threat vibes in the general direction of your neighbor. This neighbor and roommates are cowards and thugs. Read some literature on people who have faced down armies. Put a baseball bat inside your door. Center your chi.
posted by diode at 3:13 PM on February 20, 2010
Now, I set strong boundaries, strong understandings and don't allow things to escalate by getting into strange scenarios if I can possibly avoid or prevent them.
I personally don't want to involve police in my affairs if at all possible. Having the police moderate a neighborhood bad vibe best wouldn't be my approach. However, I'm male and have a different sensibility about my personal space than a female would. I think jam-jam's idea is quite practical. Get some brawny male energy around your home for awhile. Have a couple of pet bad boys over, hopefully ones that won't create new problems, and have them quite visibly own your territory. Maybe send a few threat vibes in the general direction of your neighbor. This neighbor and roommates are cowards and thugs. Read some literature on people who have faced down armies. Put a baseball bat inside your door. Center your chi.
posted by diode at 3:13 PM on February 20, 2010
In addition to cops, do you have any friends who are slightly mouthier than you who visit occasionally? I've been the one to say "HEY! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OUT HERE!?" to my friends' neighbors when they didn't want to be the bad guy.
I repeat: In addition to cops and condo association. Not instead of. And just in case you're talking yourself out of unleashing some what-for on these bullies, remember that you don't need to wait for "one more incident." This is ongoing intimidation. The cops might take down your complaint and then ask you to call when there's a dude staring at you. That's okay, it's the documentation that's important. Get on their radar.
posted by desuetude at 3:25 PM on February 20, 2010
I repeat: In addition to cops and condo association. Not instead of. And just in case you're talking yourself out of unleashing some what-for on these bullies, remember that you don't need to wait for "one more incident." This is ongoing intimidation. The cops might take down your complaint and then ask you to call when there's a dude staring at you. That's okay, it's the documentation that's important. Get on their radar.
posted by desuetude at 3:25 PM on February 20, 2010
If you can afford to do so, and are inclined towards this type of exercise, I suggest you hire yourself a personal trainer who will come by your home on a regular basis. A large, powerfully muscled male personal trainer... to teach you yoga. (I promise you, they exist!) It will help balance you and strengthen you, both physically and emotionally, with the added bonus of Neighbor McJerkface both seeing you comfortable in the company of a large and intimidating man, and wondering what sort of asskicking training you might be receiving.
However, I totally want to repeat everyone's suggestion that you absolutely need to call the cops on this stupid douchebag and his stupid douchebag buddies posthaste. Creeps like that don't just give up and quit their bullshit; they need someone to layeth the smacketh down upon them, be it figuratively or literally. (Not to suggest that you confront him physically, god no. Leave the confronting to the cops.)
posted by elizardbits at 3:35 PM on February 20, 2010
However, I totally want to repeat everyone's suggestion that you absolutely need to call the cops on this stupid douchebag and his stupid douchebag buddies posthaste. Creeps like that don't just give up and quit their bullshit; they need someone to layeth the smacketh down upon them, be it figuratively or literally. (Not to suggest that you confront him physically, god no. Leave the confronting to the cops.)
posted by elizardbits at 3:35 PM on February 20, 2010
Best answer: I read your last question and this question. And it has seriously scared me. They way you have dealt with this and the way you write about it... you and I seem to have the exact same personality and between the two posts, I know that this is *EXACTLY* what I myself would have done if I was in your situation. The wanting to be nice, the avoidance of getting cops involved, not wanting to call attention to myself, etc, everything sounds exactly like me. Even thinking that any part of this is your fault, sounds like me. As in you and I are seriously the same person. I am so scared that I will find myself in a situation like this someday.
But me actually being outside of the situation and just reading about them, I want to pull my hair out about how submissive you are being, how you are so afraid to protect yourself.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! You are right, you deserve to feel safe in your own home. And your need to start taking the very good advice that these nice mefites are giving you. Stop trying to be nice. Stop hoping that the situation will just diffuse itself. It is obvious that neither of these things are working. Your last post was more than a year ago!!!! They have not gotten tired of harrassing you since then, it's never going to happen, unless you start standing up for yourself. Please do!
posted by cheemee at 3:49 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
But me actually being outside of the situation and just reading about them, I want to pull my hair out about how submissive you are being, how you are so afraid to protect yourself.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! You are right, you deserve to feel safe in your own home. And your need to start taking the very good advice that these nice mefites are giving you. Stop trying to be nice. Stop hoping that the situation will just diffuse itself. It is obvious that neither of these things are working. Your last post was more than a year ago!!!! They have not gotten tired of harrassing you since then, it's never going to happen, unless you start standing up for yourself. Please do!
posted by cheemee at 3:49 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
You need to document everything. EVERYTHING. Start now and write down everything that has happened since the beginning. Print out any emails where you discussed the matter with your friends, print out the AskMe thread and put it all in a big folder. Then you need to make friends with your local police officers. I can tell you from experience that they won't just swoop down and take your stalker off to jail but they will work with you if you will work with them. It takes time though. Include your condo association. Get email addresses and forward the cops and the association documentation of any new incidents and cc them to your file. Get in contact with a local stalkers support group and see if they can give you advice on collecting evidence.
Be prepared to be told that standing in the street is not illegal, nor is talking shit about your neighbors. Be prepared to find out that this guy knows the finer points of stalking laws in your locale and stays just on the right side of them.
I think being more assertive is critical but if you're not the kind to get in his face then you need to take this guy on on your own terms. You are smarter than him and probably have much better legal and friend resources so use them. Find out what you need to do to get him charged or evicted and doggedly pursue it until he leaves you alone. You did not start this feud but you need to be of the mindset that you're going to win it.
And get to know your normal neighbors, I guarantee you they think the guy is a total whack job no matter how "charming" he is. To most people that is a big red flag anyway.
posted by fshgrl at 3:50 PM on February 20, 2010
Be prepared to be told that standing in the street is not illegal, nor is talking shit about your neighbors. Be prepared to find out that this guy knows the finer points of stalking laws in your locale and stays just on the right side of them.
I think being more assertive is critical but if you're not the kind to get in his face then you need to take this guy on on your own terms. You are smarter than him and probably have much better legal and friend resources so use them. Find out what you need to do to get him charged or evicted and doggedly pursue it until he leaves you alone. You did not start this feud but you need to be of the mindset that you're going to win it.
And get to know your normal neighbors, I guarantee you they think the guy is a total whack job no matter how "charming" he is. To most people that is a big red flag anyway.
posted by fshgrl at 3:50 PM on February 20, 2010
In addition to documenting and calling the police which I assume you have done already (it really is a very good idea, please do it -- this has nothing to do with parking spaces and everything to do with criminal, harassing behavior), I think you need to talk to your most immediate neighbors if you haven't already. I know you are shy but you need to reach out to some allies which are your closest neighbors, especially anyone who has a similar front-row seat to this other guy's behavior. So, surely you have other neighbors who have windows facing these guys? Go talk to them. Tell them what the story is and that you need to know if they see anything else going on and to please call the cops if they see these guys harassing you or behaving weird on your property. You are isolating yourself it seems like and I promise that if you calmly just ask your neighbors to keep an eye out for you that they will do that. It will make you feel better, too, to know that your neighbors have your side of the story. Bring a friend with you if that will make you feel better. And of course you need to contact your homeowner's association -- he's not on the board, is he?
posted by amanda at 3:55 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 3:55 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
They will come around to that side of my house and stand out there and openly stare into my home.
Definitely time to call the police.
posted by hermitosis at 5:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Definitely time to call the police.
posted by hermitosis at 5:02 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer:
You were nice to these guys, but instead of being grateful or responding in kind, they took advantage of your kindness (and still do). At that point, I would have said that the deal is off. If your choice is to have an empty parking spot staring at them, because they can't be bothered to clean out their garage, there's not a damn thing they can do about it, except park in your spot after you turn off the lights. When they do that, you should, without turning any lights on, have their vehicle towed, and that should stop.
I will tell you that, if you continue to be nice and continue with the avoidance and non-confrontational manner, you will be writing back to AskMeFi in a year or two with the exact same problem, because this guy (and his roommates--what's up with a landlord who talks his roommates into being whackjobs? Is there some special category online for this?) will be doing the same shit he's doing today. There's no damage to their lifestyle by doing this. They don't have to worry whether their blinds are up, or whether they need to take out the trash, or what time they have to be going in or out, because, right now, they're free, and you're inside your home feeling very uncomfortable, and have been for two years.
If this was your baby sister, would you tell her to be continue being nice and hope that they'll go away, even if they haven't done so yet for two years, or would you advice her to file a report with the police and start documenting their activities?
What you should do is go talk with the police. There doesn't need to be a restraining order, unless you want there to be one, and the police may advise against it, to avoid escalating the situation. If you don't want to openly take pictures or video of them walking around and staring at you, you could place the camera on a counter with a view of them, and simply turn it on and record video. When they start banging their trash bin and yelling, especially if they do this at the same time every day, record a video of them doing it. Same when they get loud and talking with the neighbors.
Get to know your neighbors. You don't have to talk about the whackjob right away. They might raise the subject themselves.
If you want to be introverted, nail jello to the wall as a hobby, worship staplers, or do whatever, you have every right to do that, without regard to whatever whackjob might think of it.
If you want to get therapy to become more assertive, read Gavin de Becker, take self-defense courses, that's all fine and will improve your quality of life, but...
This was two years ago and he is still extremely unhappy with me. I am an introvert, I go to work every day, I run my errands after work, so that on the weekend I can stay home. This is how I've set my life up and like it that way. However, he's very loud, and I can often hear him badmouthing me to other neighbors. He seems to have them all wound up about the fact that I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. I'm certain no one would notice me or pay any attention to me if he wasn't out there constantly pointing it out. I hear him telling people this all the time (and I'm uncertain if he wants me to hear him or has no idea I can). And another favorite line of his is "I TOLD HER if she ever needed anything to let me know and SHE NEVER TOOK ME UP ON IT" yelled in a very angry tone and always followed by "Make sure you never ever speak to her. Don't ever talk to her."First, if I was a neighbor whom he was telling this to, I'd be thinking, "well, no wonder she never comes out, if she has to deal with this whackjob!" Then, if you approached me and started telling me how this guy was bothering you, and can I help by noting any strange behavior for police reports, I would absolutely, with no hesitation whatsoever, say yes.
You were nice to these guys, but instead of being grateful or responding in kind, they took advantage of your kindness (and still do). At that point, I would have said that the deal is off. If your choice is to have an empty parking spot staring at them, because they can't be bothered to clean out their garage, there's not a damn thing they can do about it, except park in your spot after you turn off the lights. When they do that, you should, without turning any lights on, have their vehicle towed, and that should stop.
I will tell you that, if you continue to be nice and continue with the avoidance and non-confrontational manner, you will be writing back to AskMeFi in a year or two with the exact same problem, because this guy (and his roommates--what's up with a landlord who talks his roommates into being whackjobs? Is there some special category online for this?) will be doing the same shit he's doing today. There's no damage to their lifestyle by doing this. They don't have to worry whether their blinds are up, or whether they need to take out the trash, or what time they have to be going in or out, because, right now, they're free, and you're inside your home feeling very uncomfortable, and have been for two years.
If this was your baby sister, would you tell her to be continue being nice and hope that they'll go away, even if they haven't done so yet for two years, or would you advice her to file a report with the police and start documenting their activities?
What you should do is go talk with the police. There doesn't need to be a restraining order, unless you want there to be one, and the police may advise against it, to avoid escalating the situation. If you don't want to openly take pictures or video of them walking around and staring at you, you could place the camera on a counter with a view of them, and simply turn it on and record video. When they start banging their trash bin and yelling, especially if they do this at the same time every day, record a video of them doing it. Same when they get loud and talking with the neighbors.
Get to know your neighbors. You don't have to talk about the whackjob right away. They might raise the subject themselves.
If you want to be introverted, nail jello to the wall as a hobby, worship staplers, or do whatever, you have every right to do that, without regard to whatever whackjob might think of it.
If you want to get therapy to become more assertive, read Gavin de Becker, take self-defense courses, that's all fine and will improve your quality of life, but...
And how do I get off his radar?posted by SillyShepherd at 5:27 PM on February 20, 2010 [2 favorites]After two years of being nice, and seeing zero results, the only way to get off their radar is to put him into the police's radar. Lower the fucking boom on him and his fucked up roommates. I can pretty much guarantee that, after he (or they) greets an officer at his door, this shit will stop, unless he really wants a police record. You can talk to the police and file a report without pressing charges, unless you choose to press charges.
Please, please, pretty please, with refried beans and guacamole on top, talk to the police about this. I'd like to see you ask questions about cooking beans, or Firefox, or other stuff, mkay?
1) Are there any LEOs on AskMeFi who can weigh in on this? Anyone?
2) Yes, someone was bothering me. I tried to be nice and put him off, but he continued to give me the willies. It took a third party to get him to back off and, since he doesn't like his picture taken, if we are in the same orbit, I always have my camera and take pictures without regard to whether or not he likes this.
Have you read this definition of stalking? Do you understand that you have a Resentful Stalker? This man is harassing you, intimidating you and committing criminal damage against your property.
I would start keeping a log, or retroactively re-create an account, and go to the police using the words "stalking" and "harassment" and "criminal damage." I would also seriously consider seeking a restraining order in consultation with an attorney.
I think a restraining order would be difficult to get, but I'd want to know what the common benchmark for attaining one is in my jurisdiction, and I'd make getting one a long-term goal. IANAL.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:49 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would start keeping a log, or retroactively re-create an account, and go to the police using the words "stalking" and "harassment" and "criminal damage." I would also seriously consider seeking a restraining order in consultation with an attorney.
I think a restraining order would be difficult to get, but I'd want to know what the common benchmark for attaining one is in my jurisdiction, and I'd make getting one a long-term goal. IANAL.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:49 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe do some research into the effectiveness of restraining orders before putting too much faith in them.
What's the cost, personal and financially, of just moving somewhere better, vs. the cost of getting hurt, physically or emotionally, by this evil person? Oh, and be sure that if you move, whoever replaces you drives a car and takes the spot.
In some areas of the country where I've lived they would suggest inviting over some male friends to clean their guns on the porch.
posted by mecran01 at 8:17 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
What's the cost, personal and financially, of just moving somewhere better, vs. the cost of getting hurt, physically or emotionally, by this evil person? Oh, and be sure that if you move, whoever replaces you drives a car and takes the spot.
In some areas of the country where I've lived they would suggest inviting over some male friends to clean their guns on the porch.
posted by mecran01 at 8:17 PM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Lots of people have recommended speaking with the police, and you've favorited some of those, so I'm hoping you've taken it seriously. Since you earlier mentioned feeling uncomfortable about speaking with the police, I'd like to share my own stories, in the hopes it will "normalize" the police experience for neighbor weirdness.
I too was once a nice, submissive person (I'm a woman). Constantly forgiving people and "letting them live life as they desired" and "have their own opinions", which in my case translated to having no boundaries of my own (had a lot to do with my abusive parents), kept me in an emotionally abusive relationship that eventually escalated to the guy hitting me, and proposing marriage so that he could sleep with other women and not have to commit to them. (Yeah. He put his marriage proposal in those words.) I said "no" and left him; he took everything we owned, except my clothes. Everything. Kitty-cat included. I didn't involve the police, fearing it would only make him angrier. He also threatened to kill me. "Eh, no big deal, it's just anger because I broke up with him, he'll get over it." I did cut off all contact, which was made easier by the fact that he couldn't ask for anything else from me... I regret not involving the police now. Especially given what I learned from neighbor situations later.
My first rental apartment had an upstairs neighbor who would get drunk and toss his furniture onto the floor... at two in the morning. He would yell at me when I politely asked him to quiet down. My landlords, who knew of the abusive relationship I'd been in before, and who had supportively encouraged me to be more assertive, asked me to please call the police about it. I did. It worked, though I had to call several times. The police were always helpful and kind, and never told my upstairs neighbor that I was the one who called. The police know how vengeance works, and they won't put you in a position where a risky person knows you called them.
While renting that place, I found a great apartment with a patio on an inner courtyard, that I purchased two years ago. Not long after moving in, I "met" my courtyard neighbor, the woman who lives on the ground floor apartment in the building across from mine. She said, and I quote, though translated from French (she's originally from East Germany, btw): "you fucking bitch with your goddamned stinking cat, I hope you die!" I looked at her and said, "my cat is fenced in,the fence reaches the roof. There's nowhere he can get through, and everything is clean. I don't think he's causing any problems." She replied: "I'll fucking kill your cat!!" I did not speak to her any longer. Not. One. Single. Word.
She cut holes in my fencing and put shit (yes, excrement) on my patio. Used condoms too, at times. Dried out bread, which I feared was poisoned; in any case I never let out my cat (now cats, I adopted a second) without first thoroughly inspecting my patio and removing stuff. She'd stare at me and cackle when I looked in her direction, sometimes adding "I'll poison your cats as soon as I can, dirty whore!" Wheeee... She too told other neighbors what an awful person I was.
I phoned the police. I filed complaints, detailing all the threats and property damage/trespassing. It turned out that this woman had been physically abusing her two sons, and her husband, and had attacked her niece too. With the addition of my "outside" complaints, the police had good reason to make another personal visit to her. It helped convince her husband to leave her for good, finally, and take their sons to safety. That was a year ago, and I have no idea what the cops said to her... all I know is that I've never seen nor heard from her since, even though she still lives in her place. She makes a point of keeping out of my way now, even keeping her shutters closed all day, and my kitties are safe and sound.
One thing the police told me: if someone threatens to kill you, you do not need a witness to report it. My neighbor had made veiled threats, "I hope you die" and that sort of thing, which aren't quite the same. But, obviously, the police understood there was indeed a threat intended. So they told me that, to reassure me that I could come to the station ASAP if she ever did threaten my life directly, and they'd come immediately to interview and handle her.
I have had nothing but supportive, positive experience with the police in the years I've been phoning them. They're there to protect, not just punish. Don't worry - you're reasonable, you have clear and valid complaints, they will take you seriously and give you supportive advice (unless you come across a bad apple... but I phoned the police over a period of four years and never had a problem, so I think/hope bad apples are rare). Please, please contact them. You'll gain confidence in yourself and in others - it's meant the world to me to have my own complaints handled promptly, seriously, and with care. It's a healing experience in itself.
posted by fraula at 4:29 AM on February 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
I too was once a nice, submissive person (I'm a woman). Constantly forgiving people and "letting them live life as they desired" and "have their own opinions", which in my case translated to having no boundaries of my own (had a lot to do with my abusive parents), kept me in an emotionally abusive relationship that eventually escalated to the guy hitting me, and proposing marriage so that he could sleep with other women and not have to commit to them. (Yeah. He put his marriage proposal in those words.) I said "no" and left him; he took everything we owned, except my clothes. Everything. Kitty-cat included. I didn't involve the police, fearing it would only make him angrier. He also threatened to kill me. "Eh, no big deal, it's just anger because I broke up with him, he'll get over it." I did cut off all contact, which was made easier by the fact that he couldn't ask for anything else from me... I regret not involving the police now. Especially given what I learned from neighbor situations later.
My first rental apartment had an upstairs neighbor who would get drunk and toss his furniture onto the floor... at two in the morning. He would yell at me when I politely asked him to quiet down. My landlords, who knew of the abusive relationship I'd been in before, and who had supportively encouraged me to be more assertive, asked me to please call the police about it. I did. It worked, though I had to call several times. The police were always helpful and kind, and never told my upstairs neighbor that I was the one who called. The police know how vengeance works, and they won't put you in a position where a risky person knows you called them.
While renting that place, I found a great apartment with a patio on an inner courtyard, that I purchased two years ago. Not long after moving in, I "met" my courtyard neighbor, the woman who lives on the ground floor apartment in the building across from mine. She said, and I quote, though translated from French (she's originally from East Germany, btw): "you fucking bitch with your goddamned stinking cat, I hope you die!" I looked at her and said, "my cat is fenced in,the fence reaches the roof. There's nowhere he can get through, and everything is clean. I don't think he's causing any problems." She replied: "I'll fucking kill your cat!!" I did not speak to her any longer. Not. One. Single. Word.
She cut holes in my fencing and put shit (yes, excrement) on my patio. Used condoms too, at times. Dried out bread, which I feared was poisoned; in any case I never let out my cat (now cats, I adopted a second) without first thoroughly inspecting my patio and removing stuff. She'd stare at me and cackle when I looked in her direction, sometimes adding "I'll poison your cats as soon as I can, dirty whore!" Wheeee... She too told other neighbors what an awful person I was.
I phoned the police. I filed complaints, detailing all the threats and property damage/trespassing. It turned out that this woman had been physically abusing her two sons, and her husband, and had attacked her niece too. With the addition of my "outside" complaints, the police had good reason to make another personal visit to her. It helped convince her husband to leave her for good, finally, and take their sons to safety. That was a year ago, and I have no idea what the cops said to her... all I know is that I've never seen nor heard from her since, even though she still lives in her place. She makes a point of keeping out of my way now, even keeping her shutters closed all day, and my kitties are safe and sound.
One thing the police told me: if someone threatens to kill you, you do not need a witness to report it. My neighbor had made veiled threats, "I hope you die" and that sort of thing, which aren't quite the same. But, obviously, the police understood there was indeed a threat intended. So they told me that, to reassure me that I could come to the station ASAP if she ever did threaten my life directly, and they'd come immediately to interview and handle her.
I have had nothing but supportive, positive experience with the police in the years I've been phoning them. They're there to protect, not just punish. Don't worry - you're reasonable, you have clear and valid complaints, they will take you seriously and give you supportive advice (unless you come across a bad apple... but I phoned the police over a period of four years and never had a problem, so I think/hope bad apples are rare). Please, please contact them. You'll gain confidence in yourself and in others - it's meant the world to me to have my own complaints handled promptly, seriously, and with care. It's a healing experience in itself.
posted by fraula at 4:29 AM on February 21, 2010 [5 favorites]
I should add, there aren't restraining orders in France, otherwise I'd have gotten one for my neighbor. But the police essentially achieved the same thing when they spoke with her, since she's left me alone ever since. You could ask the police if a restraining order would be a good choice; sometimes it can escalate things, since it does spell out "Person X wants Person Y to leave them alone" - Person Y then knows for certain it's Person X who complained... I believe that's something discussed in Gavin de Becker's "Gift of Fear".
posted by fraula at 4:39 AM on February 21, 2010
posted by fraula at 4:39 AM on February 21, 2010
Annashouse, could you please let us know how you are and what you decided to do? Please know I said a prayer for you and others seem equally concerned. You are our Askmefi friend and we care that the situation is resolved for you and you are safe.
posted by srbrunson at 4:52 AM on February 21, 2010
posted by srbrunson at 4:52 AM on February 21, 2010
MeFites are pretty super; we're good listeners in person, too. I can vouch for the fact that meetups can be a relief if you've been feeling alone, and shy people are very much welcomed.
posted by woodway at 5:52 AM on February 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by woodway at 5:52 AM on February 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I want you wall to know I've read every piece of advice here, and appreciate all your support. I wanted to assure you I am going to the police first thing tomorrow. I am currently printing off all sorts of emails I've written over the years to take with me, and I'm bringing a friend with me for support. I'm going to them, not having them come here, and I'm going before work so I won't be finding any reason during the day to talk myself out of it. Plus my friend will not allow that.
I wanted you to know your words and suggestions did not fall on deaf ears!
posted by Annashouse at 7:23 AM on February 21, 2010 [14 favorites]
I wanted you to know your words and suggestions did not fall on deaf ears!
posted by Annashouse at 7:23 AM on February 21, 2010 [14 favorites]
Good luck, Annashouse, I think you'll feel much, much better after you've had a talk with them.
posted by amanda at 7:44 AM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 7:44 AM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm relieved that you are going to the police, and that you have a good friend who is supportive (and strong-armed). Best of luck and hope you finally find the peace that you deserve. Hugs to you and your friend.
And, apologies for the wonky formatting of my post.
posted by SillyShepherd at 9:08 AM on February 21, 2010
And, apologies for the wonky formatting of my post.
posted by SillyShepherd at 9:08 AM on February 21, 2010
Good for getting the police involved - that's the right thing to do. At least there will be documentation of the harassment. In your place, I would also call the police to MY house if any vandalism or overt intimidation was going on, just so he could see the cop car and some pointing in his direction. That won't get him arrested or anything, but might make him think twice next time he's tempted, knowing that the police will consider him suspect #1.
It may also help to think of what's going on in this way - your neighbor is being territorial. He's projecting power over the common area (his yard, the sidewalk, the neighbor relationships... eventually getting very aggressive by claiming YOUR parking space and the surroundings around YOUR condo to look in your windows) to deny you comfort in those areas. Why he's so competitive instead of cooperative that way isn't because of the parking thing, the parking thing is PART of that. It's a little battle he lost in the overall crazy-man axis and allies game he's playing with the neighborhood.
If you look at it that way, you can't retreat into your house and hole up while he "owns" the common area and gets increasingly aggressive about even the areas you own. You have to push back and "take up some space" in the neighborhood. Get all your friends over for a house party in your yard (with loudish music, that "intrudes" on HIS space sometimes.) Have kids over that play in the street out front (unless it's a busy street, of course.) Make your own friends with the neighbors. Park your car in your space. Invite some friends over to park in his space once in a while, then breezily apologize. Basically act like you own the whole damn neighborhood just as much as he does. You aren't a visitor. It's a stupid territorial chess game. You don't have to let him intimidate you.
Obviously, if you feel physically unsafe around the guy or his friends, don't instigate shit. But don't let him just play "oh, i'm a big tough guy here so you better watch out" games if he's just a blowhard.
posted by ctmf at 10:09 AM on February 21, 2010
It may also help to think of what's going on in this way - your neighbor is being territorial. He's projecting power over the common area (his yard, the sidewalk, the neighbor relationships... eventually getting very aggressive by claiming YOUR parking space and the surroundings around YOUR condo to look in your windows) to deny you comfort in those areas. Why he's so competitive instead of cooperative that way isn't because of the parking thing, the parking thing is PART of that. It's a little battle he lost in the overall crazy-man axis and allies game he's playing with the neighborhood.
If you look at it that way, you can't retreat into your house and hole up while he "owns" the common area and gets increasingly aggressive about even the areas you own. You have to push back and "take up some space" in the neighborhood. Get all your friends over for a house party in your yard (with loudish music, that "intrudes" on HIS space sometimes.) Have kids over that play in the street out front (unless it's a busy street, of course.) Make your own friends with the neighbors. Park your car in your space. Invite some friends over to park in his space once in a while, then breezily apologize. Basically act like you own the whole damn neighborhood just as much as he does. You aren't a visitor. It's a stupid territorial chess game. You don't have to let him intimidate you.
Obviously, if you feel physically unsafe around the guy or his friends, don't instigate shit. But don't let him just play "oh, i'm a big tough guy here so you better watch out" games if he's just a blowhard.
posted by ctmf at 10:09 AM on February 21, 2010
Just a note that a formal restraining order/order of protection might not be a practical route at this point, as it would essentially make it impossible for the guy to live there (usually they specifiy that person x can't be within y feet of person z, in addition to not person x not contacting person z in writing or via phone.)
Yeah, that would be GREAT, but the chances that a judge is going to force someone (and their roommates) out of their home without there being a strong personal connection is maybe not great. I'm not a lawyer, and the particulars might be different where you live, but several of my friends have had to get restraining orders for various circumstances.
That's not meant as discouragement whatsoever. The police can question the guy about his behavior and investigate him without you needing to file an order of protection, of course.
posted by desuetude at 10:23 AM on February 21, 2010
Yeah, that would be GREAT, but the chances that a judge is going to force someone (and their roommates) out of their home without there being a strong personal connection is maybe not great. I'm not a lawyer, and the particulars might be different where you live, but several of my friends have had to get restraining orders for various circumstances.
That's not meant as discouragement whatsoever. The police can question the guy about his behavior and investigate him without you needing to file an order of protection, of course.
posted by desuetude at 10:23 AM on February 21, 2010
It is extremely difficult to get a restraining order unless you have documented threats that are verifiably from him to you, i.e. recordings of his voice saying he's going to kill you or emails. It's easier if you were in a relationship and there was any type of domestic violence, but it depends on where you live. Hopefully the police intervening will be enough and you can file harassment charges with enough documentation, but people saying "get a restraining order" probably haven't tried to get one. It's way, way harder than most people think.
CCTV with audio and motion detector capabilities will give you all the evidence you need for harassment and even stalking charges. THAT could lead to a restraining order pretty easily, so there's my suggestion.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:08 AM on February 21, 2010
CCTV with audio and motion detector capabilities will give you all the evidence you need for harassment and even stalking charges. THAT could lead to a restraining order pretty easily, so there's my suggestion.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:08 AM on February 21, 2010
Thanks for letting us know your plans. Will check back here occasionally to see if anything else is posted. Best wishes on your trip to see the police in the morning.
posted by srbrunson at 11:59 AM on February 21, 2010
posted by srbrunson at 11:59 AM on February 21, 2010
Hoping things went well at the police and that you are ok.
posted by cheemee at 8:55 PM on February 24, 2010
posted by cheemee at 8:55 PM on February 24, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'd say ignore him. Eventually someone or something else will overwrite his misdirected anger at you and will redirect it elsewhere. Or not, he may just be a jerk forever. Do you own or rent?
posted by fenriq at 10:37 AM on February 20, 2010 [1 favorite]