How Does One Become A Better Listener?
February 18, 2010 10:41 PM Subscribe
How does one become a good listener and, as a result, a better conversationalist?
AskMe has, in the past, helped me to mingle more effectively. That was a great help. But now I find that during my mingling and particularly during conversations I'm involved in, my mind starts to wander and before I know it, I'm just nodding politely. I don't like that I do this. I want it to change, especially because I know that doing so will help me become more engaged with the conversation.
I think the reason I'm essentially zoning out is because I have a pretty active mind. By that I mean I can concentrate on listening to something for a while, but then someone will say something that piques my interest and my mind will then start thinking all about that one thing. By the time I'm done with that, I've missed almost the entire conversation and anything useful I've thought to say about the previous topic is pretty much useless. I'm not sure how I can stop myself from zoning out like this (or better yet, thinking AND listening... that would be great!).
I think the other, related problem is that because I'm an introvert around new people, I like to think before I speak so I don't say anything dumb. This is probably why I like to focus on stuff I have an interest in, so I can think of lots of great things to say. Problem is, of course, that I think about these things too long.
So I recognise the problems but I can't think of any solutions (beyond remembering to tell myself to stop thinking so much when I'm involved in a conversation – something I’m not sure I’d always remember to do). Any tips that any of you can offer to help me become a better listener would be greatly appreciated.
AskMe has, in the past, helped me to mingle more effectively. That was a great help. But now I find that during my mingling and particularly during conversations I'm involved in, my mind starts to wander and before I know it, I'm just nodding politely. I don't like that I do this. I want it to change, especially because I know that doing so will help me become more engaged with the conversation.
I think the reason I'm essentially zoning out is because I have a pretty active mind. By that I mean I can concentrate on listening to something for a while, but then someone will say something that piques my interest and my mind will then start thinking all about that one thing. By the time I'm done with that, I've missed almost the entire conversation and anything useful I've thought to say about the previous topic is pretty much useless. I'm not sure how I can stop myself from zoning out like this (or better yet, thinking AND listening... that would be great!).
I think the other, related problem is that because I'm an introvert around new people, I like to think before I speak so I don't say anything dumb. This is probably why I like to focus on stuff I have an interest in, so I can think of lots of great things to say. Problem is, of course, that I think about these things too long.
So I recognise the problems but I can't think of any solutions (beyond remembering to tell myself to stop thinking so much when I'm involved in a conversation – something I’m not sure I’d always remember to do). Any tips that any of you can offer to help me become a better listener would be greatly appreciated.
you know back in high school when you had to do word problems? how you had to read a story and pick out the relevant parts so you could write and solve the equation? just pretend the people you're meeting are telling you a word problem you'll later see on a test. your job is to actively listen to pull out the data that you'll need later.
and to get there: active listening
posted by nadawi at 1:17 AM on February 19, 2010
and to get there: active listening
posted by nadawi at 1:17 AM on February 19, 2010
I have the same problem with the wandering mind. Just like in meditation, when I catch myself zoning out I just gently redirect my attention back to the conversation by making sure I am thinking about what is being said. Not just letting the words fall over my brain in patterns of sound (which, when I'm not engaged with the topic, can be awfully hypnotic in way that is particularly conducive to zoning out) but actually trying to make sure I understand.
A lot of time this involves asking questions. Clearing up a technical term, sorting out the relationships among characters in the "story" being told, asking for clarification of an opinion: "Wait, so I take it you're not a fan of Joe Politician? How come?"
Hmmm... I seem to be merely echoing what msalt said above. So I guess the point would be, I've started doing that and it really does help. I get lots of practice while listening to my programmer husband tell me all the technical details of his day. I've also found that I do the zoning out thing when I read (skimming the words with my eyes while my mind wanders off) and adapting the above techniques for reading have worked wonders for my comprehension as well.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:30 AM on February 19, 2010
A lot of time this involves asking questions. Clearing up a technical term, sorting out the relationships among characters in the "story" being told, asking for clarification of an opinion: "Wait, so I take it you're not a fan of Joe Politician? How come?"
Hmmm... I seem to be merely echoing what msalt said above. So I guess the point would be, I've started doing that and it really does help. I get lots of practice while listening to my programmer husband tell me all the technical details of his day. I've also found that I do the zoning out thing when I read (skimming the words with my eyes while my mind wanders off) and adapting the above techniques for reading have worked wonders for my comprehension as well.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:30 AM on February 19, 2010
a good listener and, as a result, a better conversationalist
That's not necessarily as straightforward a relationship as it may sound.
I've gone through life with people telling me what a great listener I am. That listening, as far as I can tell, has simply involved being with a person and letting them speak, occasionally nodding or saying 'hmm' or 'oh' or making the right facial expression. I am genuinely listening at these times, but I'm contributing virtually zero to the conversation. And people say I'm a really good listener.
Conversely, I'm a very poor conversationalist. I find myself in much the same situation as you in that my input is very sparse, and often by the time I've thought of something worth saying, the conversation has often moved on.
But what I've learned by being with people who are good at conversation is that it's really very little to do with finding something interesting to say, or honing an idea to perfection before letting it out. Like others have said, it's all about asking questions. In any conversation you need to be focussed 100% on the other person. Play the role of a detective - your aim should be to understand what the person is talking about, and that means filling in any blanks in the information they're giving you. A dumb question is often better than no question at all. Sometimes it's just about feeding something the other person said back into the conversation - "He really said that?" or "That's interesting - how does it work?", just to get the other person to flesh things out and keep talking.
When it comes to adding your own input into the conversation, it's pretty much as simple as waiting for the other person to ask you questions just like you've been asking them; if they don't make any attempt to learn anything from you, then it's they who are the bad conversationalist, not you. And avoid storing up a big reserve of information that you feel is interesting, then waiting for the opportunity to brain-dump it into the conversation. Of course, you can steer the conversation towards a particular topic if that interests you, but it's very much a case of putting out a line and some bait; if you don't get a bite, you need to forget it and move on.
And try to avoid turning a conversation into an exchange of anecdotes - this is always a danger when one or both parties aren't great conversationalists. Exchanging interesting or amusing stories can be fun, but try to break it up if you see it happening, again by asking questions about things the other person says, or by saying something that diverts the conversation to something else. Just throwing in something simple like "By the way, have you seen (person) lately?", or "Have you heard the news about (something, someone)?", or even "What are you doing this weekend?" can quickly refresh a conversation that's starting to drift into boring territory.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:38 AM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
That's not necessarily as straightforward a relationship as it may sound.
I've gone through life with people telling me what a great listener I am. That listening, as far as I can tell, has simply involved being with a person and letting them speak, occasionally nodding or saying 'hmm' or 'oh' or making the right facial expression. I am genuinely listening at these times, but I'm contributing virtually zero to the conversation. And people say I'm a really good listener.
Conversely, I'm a very poor conversationalist. I find myself in much the same situation as you in that my input is very sparse, and often by the time I've thought of something worth saying, the conversation has often moved on.
But what I've learned by being with people who are good at conversation is that it's really very little to do with finding something interesting to say, or honing an idea to perfection before letting it out. Like others have said, it's all about asking questions. In any conversation you need to be focussed 100% on the other person. Play the role of a detective - your aim should be to understand what the person is talking about, and that means filling in any blanks in the information they're giving you. A dumb question is often better than no question at all. Sometimes it's just about feeding something the other person said back into the conversation - "He really said that?" or "That's interesting - how does it work?", just to get the other person to flesh things out and keep talking.
When it comes to adding your own input into the conversation, it's pretty much as simple as waiting for the other person to ask you questions just like you've been asking them; if they don't make any attempt to learn anything from you, then it's they who are the bad conversationalist, not you. And avoid storing up a big reserve of information that you feel is interesting, then waiting for the opportunity to brain-dump it into the conversation. Of course, you can steer the conversation towards a particular topic if that interests you, but it's very much a case of putting out a line and some bait; if you don't get a bite, you need to forget it and move on.
And try to avoid turning a conversation into an exchange of anecdotes - this is always a danger when one or both parties aren't great conversationalists. Exchanging interesting or amusing stories can be fun, but try to break it up if you see it happening, again by asking questions about things the other person says, or by saying something that diverts the conversation to something else. Just throwing in something simple like "By the way, have you seen (person) lately?", or "Have you heard the news about (something, someone)?", or even "What are you doing this weekend?" can quickly refresh a conversation that's starting to drift into boring territory.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:38 AM on February 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
The real question you are asking is how to feign/maintain interest in a subject which doesn't interest you...Like a long dissertation on someone else's health or diet or fitness regimen.
The problem these days is increasing hypersensitivity about certain issues--thus sticking to safe conversation topics becomes very important.
I think Bea Arthur may be right, just keep asking questions of the other person maybe you'll find something in common that is interesting to both.
posted by AuntieRuth at 4:19 AM on February 19, 2010
The problem these days is increasing hypersensitivity about certain issues--thus sticking to safe conversation topics becomes very important.
I think Bea Arthur may be right, just keep asking questions of the other person maybe you'll find something in common that is interesting to both.
posted by AuntieRuth at 4:19 AM on February 19, 2010
Consider for each thing the other person says: "What questions could I ask about that?". When you hit upon a good one, ask it.
posted by BaxterG4 at 9:50 AM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by BaxterG4 at 9:50 AM on February 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, accepting that you will "go away" for a moment every now and then, especially in longer monologues, a good way to recover is actually just to ask, "Wait, I'm sorry, come again?" Most people will interpret this as an attentive listener asking for clarification on some point he didn't follow, rather than an inattentive listener trying to get back in. Also, I've found that most people give more interesting clarifications than explanations. My pet theory is that clarifying usually involves intuitive, hand-waving analogies and more attention to how well you're understood.
posted by d. z. wang at 11:51 AM on February 19, 2010
posted by d. z. wang at 11:51 AM on February 19, 2010
Another good tip is, be totally honest about when you don't understand a reference or term that they say. "Wait, I'm sorry, but what is transubstantiation again? I don't actually know what that means." You learn, they feel smart. You just have to get over the risk of looking dumb.
posted by msalt at 12:41 PM on February 19, 2010
posted by msalt at 12:41 PM on February 19, 2010
Catch yourself going off guard and say something like "I'm thinking about what you have said, could you please repeat the last thing you said?"
posted by iNfo.Pump at 12:46 PM on February 19, 2010
posted by iNfo.Pump at 12:46 PM on February 19, 2010
I really enjoy listening to people (unless they are truly clueless about the amount of space they are taking up with monologues). I suspect that honest enjoyment of the practice makes me a good listener, so I'd say try to find a way to really enjoy it. Like maybe imagine you're listening to an awesomely fascinating podcast?
Also, I ask a lot of questions. The trick with questions is to focus on what the speaker is interested in about their story. For example, if someone says, "I overdrew my bank account, so I had to borrow money from my brother and while I was at my brother's house, he told me about the most awesome movie!" If you are my mom, you will ask, "You overdrew your bank account?!!" which would be the part of the story that would interest/alarm her. If you are a good listener you will say, "Oh, what movie?" because that is the part of the story the speaker is interested in.
Also, I clarify and reflect back in my own words (active listening). So if the person says, "I overdrew my bank account, and everyone at the store was staring at me in this horrible way!" you say, "Oh no, how awkward!" Or if they say, "That movie made me cry so much," then you say, "It was so sad?"
Asking questions and reflecting back makes the person feel heard, but it also keeps you as the listener awake and engaged.
posted by serazin at 11:25 AM on February 22, 2010
Also, I ask a lot of questions. The trick with questions is to focus on what the speaker is interested in about their story. For example, if someone says, "I overdrew my bank account, so I had to borrow money from my brother and while I was at my brother's house, he told me about the most awesome movie!" If you are my mom, you will ask, "You overdrew your bank account?!!" which would be the part of the story that would interest/alarm her. If you are a good listener you will say, "Oh, what movie?" because that is the part of the story the speaker is interested in.
Also, I clarify and reflect back in my own words (active listening). So if the person says, "I overdrew my bank account, and everyone at the store was staring at me in this horrible way!" you say, "Oh no, how awkward!" Or if they say, "That movie made me cry so much," then you say, "It was so sad?"
Asking questions and reflecting back makes the person feel heard, but it also keeps you as the listener awake and engaged.
posted by serazin at 11:25 AM on February 22, 2010
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People talking are usually interested in what they're talking about. Make it a puzzle to find out why it's so interesting to them, to essentially become them mentally as nearly as possible.
posted by msalt at 11:09 PM on February 18, 2010 [3 favorites]