Does He Even Want to Meet for a Date?
February 15, 2010 9:58 PM Subscribe
Does He Even Want to Meet for a Date?
So I'm a 27-year-old gay dude in a big city. I "friended" this hot Dominican guy on Facebook who's 34 because I saw him on a guest list for a party which I couldn't attend. He accepted the request and wrote back saying "No idea where you came from but you kind of lit up my screen ... so hello :)" I wrote back joking about why I friended him and we exchanged a few messages. He offered to buy me a drink some time so I said sure and mentioned Thu or Sat and dropped my cell no. Then he wrote, "Hey there! We could probably go to this cool bar in my nhood :) This week is bad but maybe the week after? Oh and my cell is 123.456.6789. Hugs, J"
So I texted him with "Hey J, this is Chris from Facebook. Just wanted to say hi. That bar sounds fun. Let's touch base later this week to set something up for next week. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!" He texted back with "Hey babe! Thanks for writing! What r u doing tonight?" I said "No plans yet really. What are you up to tonight?" He says "Dinner at friends house and then out to a bar." So my question is, does he even want to still meet for a date? He wasn't specific about next week and didn't exactly invite me to join him when he was going out to a bar last night (maybe he was just making friendly conversation over text?). But he did say I lit up his screen and called me charming. So do I get in touch with him later this week or move on?
So I'm a 27-year-old gay dude in a big city. I "friended" this hot Dominican guy on Facebook who's 34 because I saw him on a guest list for a party which I couldn't attend. He accepted the request and wrote back saying "No idea where you came from but you kind of lit up my screen ... so hello :)" I wrote back joking about why I friended him and we exchanged a few messages. He offered to buy me a drink some time so I said sure and mentioned Thu or Sat and dropped my cell no. Then he wrote, "Hey there! We could probably go to this cool bar in my nhood :) This week is bad but maybe the week after? Oh and my cell is 123.456.6789. Hugs, J"
So I texted him with "Hey J, this is Chris from Facebook. Just wanted to say hi. That bar sounds fun. Let's touch base later this week to set something up for next week. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!" He texted back with "Hey babe! Thanks for writing! What r u doing tonight?" I said "No plans yet really. What are you up to tonight?" He says "Dinner at friends house and then out to a bar." So my question is, does he even want to still meet for a date? He wasn't specific about next week and didn't exactly invite me to join him when he was going out to a bar last night (maybe he was just making friendly conversation over text?). But he did say I lit up his screen and called me charming. So do I get in touch with him later this week or move on?
Sounds like he was just asking about your evening because he enjoys talking to you. Unless you skipped something I'm not sure why you wouldn't follow up. Call him.
posted by Bonzai at 10:03 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by Bonzai at 10:03 PM on February 15, 2010
Get in touch with him later this week. It sounds like he was just making conversation for now, but I wouldn't suddenly assume he's no longer interested.
posted by Nattie at 10:06 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by Nattie at 10:06 PM on February 15, 2010
He's keeping in touch so that you know he's still interested. Now's a great time to get to know a little more about him before meeting for that drink.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:07 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:07 PM on February 15, 2010
cscott, I'm a straight guy with a constricted social life, but I can tell you without a second thought that if:
A. You're on the fence about whether someone is into you or not, and
B. You are interested, then
C. You should follow up with them and see where it goes
Also, relax.
I have now answered your current, and most of your previous questions. Good luck!
posted by StrikeTheViol at 10:19 PM on February 15, 2010 [12 favorites]
A. You're on the fence about whether someone is into you or not, and
B. You are interested, then
C. You should follow up with them and see where it goes
Also, relax.
I have now answered your current, and most of your previous questions. Good luck!
posted by StrikeTheViol at 10:19 PM on February 15, 2010 [12 favorites]
You have nothing to lose! Ask him out! Make it casual. If it doesn't work out, don't take it personally. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Good Luck
posted by Lylo at 11:29 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by Lylo at 11:29 PM on February 15, 2010
You have never met in real life, so he's unlikely to invite you along to his friend's for dinner. He's not sure where the night is going to go, so it sounds like he's considering that you guys meet up later. Stay cool and don't invite yourself along - if he calls you again and invites, awesome, but otherwise you should call/text him the next day with an invite and a plan.
posted by molecicco at 3:12 AM on February 16, 2010
posted by molecicco at 3:12 AM on February 16, 2010
I interpret this:
"What r u doing tonight? ... then out to a bar"
as a green light for you to invite yourself along to the bar with him. I would have responded "cool, whereabouts? I could use a drink myself!"
My advice: Next time, either make such an opening yourself, or take up one of his.
posted by Admira at 3:57 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
"What r u doing tonight? ... then out to a bar"
as a green light for you to invite yourself along to the bar with him. I would have responded "cool, whereabouts? I could use a drink myself!"
My advice: Next time, either make such an opening yourself, or take up one of his.
posted by Admira at 3:57 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know those previous dating questions you've asked in which people told you to calm down and stop overthinking everything?
That, again.
You've written him so many messages already that I think you should chill out and wait for the appointed time. Write him and say, "Awesome, have fun! See you next week!" And then resist the temptation to write him any more messages for a couple of days, unless he writes you first.
I think it does sound like he wants to go out with you, but you're a) over-eager and b) completely clueless when it comes to interpreting his responses, and the combination is going to ruin everything.
Pace yourself. Don't obsess. Don't over-analyze. Enjoy the tension. That's what dating is. Your desire to know everything and do everything right away is counter-productive.
posted by hermitosis at 6:43 AM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
That, again.
You've written him so many messages already that I think you should chill out and wait for the appointed time. Write him and say, "Awesome, have fun! See you next week!" And then resist the temptation to write him any more messages for a couple of days, unless he writes you first.
I think it does sound like he wants to go out with you, but you're a) over-eager and b) completely clueless when it comes to interpreting his responses, and the combination is going to ruin everything.
Pace yourself. Don't obsess. Don't over-analyze. Enjoy the tension. That's what dating is. Your desire to know everything and do everything right away is counter-productive.
posted by hermitosis at 6:43 AM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Some toughlove, dude: I think your tendency to obsess over every. Single. Little. Thing. in your dating scenarios is really hurting you. Look at the questions you've posed here on Meta: analyzing, overanalyzing, reanalyzing, re-reanalyzing.
It might be helpful for you to figure out why you're doing that (something in your past? Inexperience? Self esteem issues?). Once you figure out the root of the problem, find a way to address it, whether it's therapy or something confidence building like volunteer work, school, etc. But at the rate you're going with these questions, it looks to me like you're going to stress yourself out over any potential good dating situation that comes your way. And dating partners pick up on that type of waffle waffle indecision and over-analysis. It's exhausting to date someone who's indecisive and overly analytical about the relationship, quite frankly.
We're all creatures of confusion and lack of confidence at one point or another, but this appears to rear its ugly head for you all too frequently. I think your energy at this point is better spent addressing why that is, as opposed to trying to find some sort of reassurance via the people you date.
posted by December at 8:31 AM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
It might be helpful for you to figure out why you're doing that (something in your past? Inexperience? Self esteem issues?). Once you figure out the root of the problem, find a way to address it, whether it's therapy or something confidence building like volunteer work, school, etc. But at the rate you're going with these questions, it looks to me like you're going to stress yourself out over any potential good dating situation that comes your way. And dating partners pick up on that type of waffle waffle indecision and over-analysis. It's exhausting to date someone who's indecisive and overly analytical about the relationship, quite frankly.
We're all creatures of confusion and lack of confidence at one point or another, but this appears to rear its ugly head for you all too frequently. I think your energy at this point is better spent addressing why that is, as opposed to trying to find some sort of reassurance via the people you date.
posted by December at 8:31 AM on February 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sounds like he was just asking about your evening because he enjoys talking to you.
Ha, um. Maybe! Or, you know, when a guy texts you at night and writes "What r u doing tonight?" it is because he is thinking he can probably come over and have some hot gay sex with you. (I mean, 99 times out of 100, in my experience. Just saying.)
I think you should reel this back from text? You have entered into a slight (fixable!) mess because you guys have taken this to text before you've EVEN MET. Set a date. Go on the date.
Or you know, next time he asks what "u r" doing tonight, just text back "Just chillin, no plans, what's up" and he'll be like "Let's grab a drink" and then you'll have short-circuited the whole date thing into booty-calling because the "drink" will take place 100 feet from his apartment and, ta da.
Which may not be what you want! Or it may be! Have a good time!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:41 AM on February 16, 2010
Ha, um. Maybe! Or, you know, when a guy texts you at night and writes "What r u doing tonight?" it is because he is thinking he can probably come over and have some hot gay sex with you. (I mean, 99 times out of 100, in my experience. Just saying.)
I think you should reel this back from text? You have entered into a slight (fixable!) mess because you guys have taken this to text before you've EVEN MET. Set a date. Go on the date.
Or you know, next time he asks what "u r" doing tonight, just text back "Just chillin, no plans, what's up" and he'll be like "Let's grab a drink" and then you'll have short-circuited the whole date thing into booty-calling because the "drink" will take place 100 feet from his apartment and, ta da.
Which may not be what you want! Or it may be! Have a good time!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:41 AM on February 16, 2010
Also, may I piggyback on December's comment above as well? It seems like a lot of your interactional confusions stem, IN PART, from multiple communication methods. Email + phone! Facebook + text! Cut that out!
Also? Looking at your past questions, I think the answer lies in: do what you want to do! Do you want to call a guy? Call him! Do you want to ask someone out? Ask him! Do you not want to see someone? Don't see them! Put the focus back on YOU and what YOU WANT, and stop worrying! If you're not having a good time, you're doing it wrong.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:45 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also? Looking at your past questions, I think the answer lies in: do what you want to do! Do you want to call a guy? Call him! Do you want to ask someone out? Ask him! Do you not want to see someone? Don't see them! Put the focus back on YOU and what YOU WANT, and stop worrying! If you're not having a good time, you're doing it wrong.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:45 AM on February 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: You guys are right. I think it's all about low self-esteem. I never believe it when, on rare occasions, an attractive guy seems to take an interest in me. And even when they do, I read too far into every little thing, expecting them to flake out and move on to better dates. And the last thing I want is to miss some obvious sign that "he's just not that into me" to avoid humiliating myself. So ya I need to address that somehow ... Part of it is also the fact that I'm a member of a small ethnic minority (South Asians) in this country. Most gay men are not used to seeing guys who look like me and tend not to take an interest. That makes things harder.
I'll text him a little later this week about next week. And sorry for all the ridic questions.
posted by cscott at 4:27 PM on February 16, 2010
I'll text him a little later this week about next week. And sorry for all the ridic questions.
posted by cscott at 4:27 PM on February 16, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
If he never makes any concrete plans with you, move on. But the best person to ask if he wants to meet up for a date is him...
posted by Solomon at 10:03 PM on February 15, 2010