Craigslist Scammer Got Me -- How to Get Over Post-Scam Emotional Crap?

January 30, 2005 11:23 AM

So, I just got scammed for a couple hundred bucks. It's not going to break the bank, but does anyone have any advice for how to get over the emotional crap that comes along with getting bamboozled? (more inside)
posted by arielmeadow to health & fitness (27 comments total)

By whom? friend? Family?
posted by nj_subgenius at 11:24 AM on January 30, 2005

Short version of the story: I bought something off of craigslist that was not what it was advertised to be. The worst part is that this is TOTALLY my own fault for not confirming the item I purchased during the money/item exchange. Fool and her money, soon parted, etc etc.

The seller is of course MIA, and realistically life will go on just fine...but does anyone have any tips for getting over the feelings of generalized distrust of the world, frustration with myself for being a dumb-ass, etc? I looked online for articles about recovering from scams, but my google fu is broken by my own self-loathing today. Help?
posted by arielmeadow at 11:26 AM on January 30, 2005

Call it tuition?
posted by five fresh fish at 11:29 AM on January 30, 2005

Here's one (ID theft related but covers some of what you say). Good luck,
posted by nj_subgenius at 11:34 AM on January 30, 2005

Here's another
posted by nj_subgenius at 11:39 AM on January 30, 2005

arielmeadow, we went through this a while back when my husband bought me a rare record for my birthday. The condition was misrepresented, and he was so disappointed, because that was all he'd bought me. He was able to leave some negative feedback but that's as far as he was able to resolve it. So, no more online purchases from a private seller without a lot of condition questions. There's nothing we want so much that we'll bid that blindly for it again. It was also a positive, in that we spend very little now on nonessentials, and that was one small thing influencing our decision.

five fresh fish nails it with his pithy remark. Console yourself that it's an inevitable part of your education as a buyer, that you'll use it as a lesson to buy smarter in the future, and that a lot of people have been taken for a lot more than you have. You make millions of purchases, large and small, over the course of a lifetime, and it's near impossible that at some point you won't get bamboozled. If you can keep it to the small stuff as opposed to getting screwed on buying the wrong house, car, or retirement stocks, you're still doing ok.
posted by melissa may at 12:02 PM on January 30, 2005

I'd review statistics regarding the enormity of internet scams. You're not alone. Besides, it seems like you misplaced your trust in the wrong person -- hardly an indicator of stupidity. Not like you dished out your bank account information to a stranger online to claim "lottery winnings".
posted by ori at 12:03 PM on January 30, 2005

If you are in the U.S., State Attorney Generals commonly have consumer protection offices. From what you explained, there may have been a deceptive trade practice . If you have a moment, you may want to report the incident to your Attorney General. Usually AGs provide forms or contact information on their web sites.
posted by quam at 12:19 PM on January 30, 2005

Do something nice for someone. Be part of something positive, and you will feel stronger for the effort.
posted by Jack Karaoke at 1:16 PM on January 30, 2005

You made a mistake. Singular. It does not mean you lack intelligence. It does not mean everyone is out to do you harm or has malice aforethought.

As pop-pysch as it sounds, give yourself some slack. Don't be so hard on yourself and remember this incident does not define you or have to mean a reshaping of self-perception.

I used to berate myself fairly harshly when something akin to this would come up. Now, I work to remember some of what I mentioned and change the focus of the vicious circle - using the time, thought and energy I would have put into donning the hairshirt toward resolution of the issue.
posted by sillygit at 3:08 PM on January 30, 2005

It might be worth eating this and as others have said, learning. Emotionally you'll be stronger knowing this won't happen again. It's most likely effortless to spend time on fixing your error unless you paid with a credit card.

Take some breaths, realize that life goes on, and money isn't what it is finally about.
posted by sled at 3:10 PM on January 30, 2005

It's most likely effortless...

Fruitless?
posted by fixedgear at 3:16 PM on January 30, 2005

Why do you immediately assume it's a lost cause? Depending on how you sent the money, you may be able to take steps to pursue the matter.
posted by MegoSteve at 3:24 PM on January 30, 2005

Myself, I find that pursuing the fraudster settles my ego. I've gotten quite good at it -- since I've started my business in 2003 I've written off perhaps $500 in bad debts (too lazy to check the books). I even managed to get an indonesian scammer so mad last year that he sent us "gifts" to try to screw us over for getting some cards cancelled (pointless because they would just get refused and sent back, although some of the gifts were funny, like the furry poster and Russian cigarettes. The bird feeder and motorcycle outfit were a surprise.)

And, of course, now I have another indonesian scammer to screw over again. This time I won't bother telling him I cancelled the cards. The gifts were fun the first time, but I think the mailman got tired of lugging heavy gifts to our store only to have to take them back again.

There's another incident I'd love to talk about, but due to a settlement in my favour, I'm not going to discuss it.

The only thing is, after you start tracking things like this, you start to stereotype people. For example, anyone who acts like they should be on American Chopper is a deadbeat and needs to pay up front. Anyone driving a truck is a bad debtor and needs to pay up first as well.

Oddly enough, we've more than made up the missing debt by selling off the computers of people who, after calling them dozens of times and sending them notices, don't pick up their computers for over 6 months (after that point we consider the account a lost cause and sell the computer as collection of the debt -- yes, our contract says that after 30 days we own the computer, so 6x that period is being REALLY gracious).
posted by shepd at 3:38 PM on January 30, 2005

I got scammed shortly after moving to NYC -- a couple of con artists working the "I'm lost in the big city and I need to find this address" game -- and after I got over the immediate shame/rage reaction (fortunately I didn't lose too much money, not having much to lose) I took the pentafish's approach and regarded it as tuition. I also gained a tremendous respect for the acting abilities of professional conmen, and will never again scorn anyone who gets scammed.
posted by languagehat at 4:00 PM on January 30, 2005

If you have enough information about them to send them money and get an item from them, there's a good chance you have enough information to track them down and fuck them over a bit.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 4:48 PM on January 30, 2005

Oh yeah, what is a "lost in the big city and need to find this address" game?
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 4:50 PM on January 30, 2005

Many years ago I bought a Newton from some jerk in Hawaii. The Newton never arrived and the guy mocked me when I emailed him. Recently I went to Hawaii for a conference and if I still had his contact info I would have tried to look him up, and done what I don't know. Point being that it's really easy to let crap like this stay with you if you don't consciously make yourself move on. You are ahead of the game because you apparently figured this out.
posted by mecran01 at 7:45 PM on January 30, 2005

The worst part is that this is TOTALLY my own fault for not confirming the item I purchased during the money/item exchange.

I'd try to leave this mindset behind. Getting scammed is not totally your fault -- it's not your fault at all. It's the fault of the jerk who did the scamming. You may have not done your homework like you were supposed to, but you're also not the one committing the crime. I've gotten the short end of a deal or two in my time, and always hated the tsk-tsk-tsk of people who make me feel like it's my fault for not being on my guard. It's self-defeating.

Listen to sillygit: You made a mistake, and now you won't make the same one again. You're still a smart cookie.
posted by hifiparasol at 8:00 PM on January 30, 2005

"I'm lost in the big city and I need to find this address" game? Am I supposed to know what that is already? Care to explain so we don't get bamboozled too?
posted by grouse at 8:06 PM on January 30, 2005

Thanks everyone for the words -- the item I bought (a computer) was a gift for my mother, so I'm trying to convert the frustration in to goodness by rebuilding it bit by bit and fixing it up for her. I may have overspent for the machine, but with new hard drive here and a new modem there I can rescue the experience into something useful.

All I have is a hotmail addy and a cell phone (unanswered) for the seller, and I paid in cash. Not much of a chance for recourse, so just trying ot make the best out of it.

Thanks again for all the help and advice. The "tuition" comment was quick, to the point, and especially helpful. :)
posted by arielmeadow at 9:55 PM on January 30, 2005

I got swindled for about $10 when I first moved to the city by what I suspect is a variant of the "I'm lost in the city . . ." game. Long story short: a reasonably well dressed person approaches you. They are frantic and apologetic of the interruption. My particular con man had just had his car stolen on his way back to meeting his family. The cops wouldn't help him and he couldn't contact his family to let them know where he was. He needed $20+ dollars for a cab fair, etc., etc. etc. The story can go on forever and no matter what you ask they have an answer. They promise to give you the money back through the mail - all they need is your address. Anyway, after 10 minutes you're willing to give this person anything to get off your back. Now when people approach me with this I tell them I've heard it before and walk off.

I agree with the "tuition" comments as well. For some people it's $10 and for some it's $10,000. Just try not to be a sucker.
posted by quadog at 11:51 PM on January 30, 2005

Yeah, "tuition" sums it up nicely. After being scammed or ripped off I have muttered "a good education is expensive". "Tuition" is pithier.

Thinking about ways you could have avoided the scam are good too and could be useful in the future, when you will surely meet more scammers. But don't dwell on your scammee status. Happens to everyone, and $200 is small potatoes considering the life savings that some lose to con-artists.
posted by telstar at 12:43 AM on January 31, 2005

If you have a hotmail address for the guy, have you tried taking a look at the headers of any emails you received from him for his IP address? From there you can find out his ISP, and report him to them.
posted by MegoSteve at 4:46 AM on January 31, 2005

what is a "lost in the big city and need to find this address" game?

Sorry, didn't mean to be mysterious, I just didn't figure the details were relevant to answering the question. As usual, there are two conmen. A accosts you on the street: bewildered, foreign accent, clutching a slip of paper with an illegible address and phone number, he explains that he just got to the city and has only this contact, can you help him? Being the good-hearted sort, you try to make out the address. At this point B shows up: friendly local, curious about what's going on. You explain. B gets involved, you wind up lending the foreigner money which B repays you, except it turns out the envelope is full of torn newspaper. I've mercifully forgotten the details, and I know you're thinking "what a dumb jerk, never give money to strangers," which is what I would be thinking if I'd heard this story; all I can say is that you have no idea how persuasive these guys can be unless you've experienced it. They awaken every helpful instinct you have and are very good at anticipating and lulling your natural suspicion.

I'm glad to say that some time afterwards I successfully resisted a guy claiming he needed bus fare to visit his sick sister upstate -- he lived in the building and would definitely repay me tomorrow. This guy suckered my girlfriend, my roommate, and other people in the building, but my antibodies had been built up. Turned out he was a junkie (who did, however, have a mother in the building who paid back the victims with heartfelt apologies).
posted by languagehat at 7:05 AM on January 31, 2005

A few years ago someone was handing out flyers on Oxford Street in London, for a closing down sale the following week - PlayStations for £20, CD players for £5, and loads more stuff. I called a friend, told her, and we went there together. Turned out to be a regular scam thing: it was in an empty building just off Oxford Street, and they displayed the items for half an hour, then locked the doors and started a dodgy "auction". We all had to pay £5 to be in it, then they sold black bags "filled with electronic gear" to, in hindsight, their stooges, who walked off with bagfulls of stuff. We had to keep paying to stay in the "auction", but we were never quite quick enough to big for the latest bag of stuff. By the end, some people wanted to pay several hundred pounds for some of the bags, and were escorted to the nearest ATM by a couple of goons - one couple were tourists, and must have been cleaned out. My friend got wise and left, but I was convinced she was being silly, so I stayed. She came back and dragged me out - she'd phoned the cops, and it was a scam they were well aware of, but apparently could do nothing about it. The auction ended at that point, and to reward those of us still there, they gave us a "gift", which was so heavily wrapped in tape, we couldn't open it there and then. They told us to go, to open it later - when I opened it, it was a cheap, crappy battery shaver, probably worth about a pound, if that.

Looking back on it now, it is SO obviously a scam, and it seems really stupid of me to have fallen for it. But at the time, I (and the others) were convinced that if we just stuck it out a bit longer, we'd walk off with a huge bag of expensive stuff. Luckily, I only lost £30 - my friend lost about £10, which I paid her back for, as she wouldn't have been there if I hadn't called her (I insisted she take it, I felt so guilty). I felt bad about it for about a year, seriously, I felt so stupid. Everyone I tell the story to is amazed that I fell for it, and I'm not gullible normally.

You can't blame yourself for this. These people have spent years crafting and honing their scams and skills, they do it for a living. I was just a punter looking for a cheap PlayStation. Now, I don't feel bad about it, because it fooled so many people, and the scammers are professionals. I didn't lose that much cash, and, like the other here say, I won't get fooled again. Ever. If £40 is the price to pay for that, then I got off lucky, I reckon.

Another way of helping might be to read about the people who got stung by the 419 scam (Nigerian email thing) - or anyone else who was more gullible than you. At first, you think "what a dumbass, falling for that", but it puts it into perspective when you've been scammed yourself...
posted by ralphyk at 9:30 AM on January 31, 2005

There's a well-dressed guy in midtown Atlanta that wanders the streets trying to convince people that his luggage was lost by the airline and he's in town to give a lecture on Epidemiology or some CDC related topic and he needs his medication (aids, diabetes, what have you) which was in his luggage and he just needs enough for the co-pay at the pharmacy on the corner.

I am like the meanest, most unempathetic person when it comes to people on the street (unless they are performing or selling "art"), but for some reason I totally believed this guy and his story. I really felt bad for him. Fortunately, my S.O. did not (which totally caught me off guard since she is the empathetic one). She prevented me from parting with my money and sent the man packing, so to speak. We saw him a few hours later chatting up another couple. He gave us dirty looks. We laughed loudly as we walked by. Lesson learned.
posted by shoepal at 1:16 PM on January 31, 2005