I want to get out of the self-pity loop
February 11, 2010 9:39 AM Subscribe
Snap me out of becoming obsessively shallow and insecure.
I'm a 22 y.o. female. Just recently, I broke up with my boyfriend because he's moving to another country. He was my first love and now, post-breakup, I'm acting very crazy and losing what little self-respect I had.
Before I go into what I've been doing, here's a back story: A couple months into our relationship, my now-ex cheated on me with much prettier women, and after he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again, I stayed with him because I loved/idolized him. As the months went by, however, I became more and more insecure. His past girlfriends were all very pretty and one of them was even an accomplished model/musician. In comparison, I am socially awkward, plain Jane. I am also very flat-chested, with a pear-shaped body, something that has always made me feel unattractive and less of a woman. My ex has NEVER made any comments to attack my physical appearance (although he has said how, as a guy, he really liked boobs). Our relationship was mostly defined by me trying to please him and win his attention. Although I knew he cared for me, I never felt that he loved me, in the sense that he'd be willing to commit to me, and so I ended up throwing myself at him over and over again and used sex in an attempt to bring him closer to me. I didn't feel like I had a very important place in his heart. Most of the time I tried to hide these insecurities from him by placing him in the spotlight.
Now that he's leaving, I know that I should take this opportunity to work on myself. But I haven't. I do feel like I was genuinely in love with him, but I also know that I was incredibly dependent on him for my happiness. Just having him in my life made me feel like less of a loser. I still see myself as that shy, awkward kid who got picked on a lot in middle school. Instead of moving on, I've started to obsess over the types of gorgeous women he's likely to get with. After I found out he cheated on me, I myspace-stalked his ex girlfriends, telling myself that I'd never be as pretty or as talented as them. I got a kick out of hating on myself and became very self-obsessed.
For the past couple of days, I've stalked his facebook exchanges/all his internet activity, looked up videos/pictures of beautiful women on the internet and compared them to videos/pictures that I take of myself to make myself feel inferior. I try to make myself feel like shit on purpose and I neglect all my responsibilities as a result. I haven't left home in days (well there is the blizzard...), haven't showered, and eat cereal all day. I feel locked into this useless loop of self-hate and I want it to stop. I really have a lot of work to do and have been unproductive for days. I feel unmotivated and have stopped believing in myself.
I am going to start seeing a therapist next Tuesday because I know these are issues that I can't keep ignoring, but until then, I'd appreciate any advice to help me get over myself, to really convince me that beauty isn't everything and that life isn't a race that I've lost by not winning the genetic jackpot. I want start working towards becoming someone I can admire and respect. Email at: firstname.lastname@example.org