Isn't this great? I mean doesn't this suck?
February 9, 2010 1:10 PM Subscribe
Language question: I'm searching for a word or phrase (in English or any language) that describes the act of communicating a positive opportunity/event/thing but then includes qualifiers that downplay the opportunity/event/thing.
Sort of like self-deprecating but a phrase/word that is external to self.
Example A: A friend exhibits to you a potentially exciting job opportunity but then includes qualifiers like: (a) you're probably over-qualified or (b) the company has lots of problems.
Example B: A friend gives you a shirt as a gift but then includes qualifiers that it probably won't fit or it probably isn't your color.
Example C (in a broader context): A spouse or partner tells you that the event sounds lovely and that they don't want to go to the event but they will go if you really want them to be there with you.
The communication frequently leaves the receiver of the communication in a sense of confusion about how to respond.
Sort of like self-deprecating but a phrase/word that is external to self.
Example A: A friend exhibits to you a potentially exciting job opportunity but then includes qualifiers like: (a) you're probably over-qualified or (b) the company has lots of problems.
Example B: A friend gives you a shirt as a gift but then includes qualifiers that it probably won't fit or it probably isn't your color.
Example C (in a broader context): A spouse or partner tells you that the event sounds lovely and that they don't want to go to the event but they will go if you really want them to be there with you.
The communication frequently leaves the receiver of the communication in a sense of confusion about how to respond.
Although I think the actual definition of that word is a legal one, it's come to take on more of a colloquial meaning like what you're describing.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:24 PM on February 9, 2010
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:24 PM on February 9, 2010
Ooh, sorry for posting thrice but I just found out that caveat has a verb form that might be closer to what you're looking for.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:26 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:26 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Bathos? Litotes?
posted by tigrefacile at 1:30 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by tigrefacile at 1:30 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hedge? Since that is its function. He is covering his investment on this being something you would like.
posted by Obscure Reference at 1:41 PM on February 9, 2010
posted by Obscure Reference at 1:41 PM on February 9, 2010
"Reservations"? Or just "qualifiers," as you yourself used.
posted by scratch at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010
posted by scratch at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010
These are politeness strategies. Brown and Levinson wrote the book, "Politeness: some universals in language usage" where they describe 2 basic properties of rational agents: positive face and negative face.
Positive face roughly equates to, "like me, like what I like"; negative face roughly equates to "respect my need for autonomy; don't tell me what to do." Some things we do or say in the world inherently impinge on these two types of face. Telling somebody that have bad breath threatens their positive face. Telling somebody to shut the window because it's cold threatens their negative face. We mitigate these face-threatening acts by using politeness strategies, which also come in two forms: positive and negative. A positive politeness strategy is one that attends to the hearer's needs/wants, etc. Saying, "You look very pretty today, but you could use a breath mint..." acknowledges the hearer's desire to be found appealing (to be liked). Saying, "You seem really focused on what you're doing, but since you're closer, do you mind closing the window?" acknowledges the hearer's desire to not be bothered. Note: positive doesn't always have to correlate with positive, and vice versa. See the links for other examples.
Anyways, long story short. Your friends are putting ideas out there that either say, "Hey I think this is great and you should too!" or "Hey, you should do X!" And then they're backpedaling to reduce the potential threat of telling somebody what to like or what to do. It's both selflessly motivated (I'm tailoring this idea for you, and including some off-record hedges for you to opt out), and selfishly motivated (I like this idea X and don't want to feel rejected by you if you don't like it; ie. I don't want to threaten my own face, so I'm going to hedge this a bit).
posted by iamkimiam at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Positive face roughly equates to, "like me, like what I like"; negative face roughly equates to "respect my need for autonomy; don't tell me what to do." Some things we do or say in the world inherently impinge on these two types of face. Telling somebody that have bad breath threatens their positive face. Telling somebody to shut the window because it's cold threatens their negative face. We mitigate these face-threatening acts by using politeness strategies, which also come in two forms: positive and negative. A positive politeness strategy is one that attends to the hearer's needs/wants, etc. Saying, "You look very pretty today, but you could use a breath mint..." acknowledges the hearer's desire to be found appealing (to be liked). Saying, "You seem really focused on what you're doing, but since you're closer, do you mind closing the window?" acknowledges the hearer's desire to not be bothered. Note: positive doesn't always have to correlate with positive, and vice versa. See the links for other examples.
Anyways, long story short. Your friends are putting ideas out there that either say, "Hey I think this is great and you should too!" or "Hey, you should do X!" And then they're backpedaling to reduce the potential threat of telling somebody what to like or what to do. It's both selflessly motivated (I'm tailoring this idea for you, and including some off-record hedges for you to opt out), and selfishly motivated (I like this idea X and don't want to feel rejected by you if you don't like it; ie. I don't want to threaten my own face, so I'm going to hedge this a bit).
posted by iamkimiam at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Damning with faint praise.
posted by zadcat at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zadcat at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
"covering all the bases" - perhaps you'll like this and perhaps you won't, and perhaps you'd think I was dumb for not mentioning it or perhaps you'll think I'm wasting your time to bring it up.
It's a sign that they're uncomfortable - they've got mixed signals coming in (a shirt I think she'd look great in + I know she is really skinny + she's very picky about her clothes) so they give mixed signals coming out (hey be excited, this is a gift for you + I bet you won't like it).
posted by aimedwander at 2:08 PM on February 9, 2010
It's a sign that they're uncomfortable - they've got mixed signals coming in (a shirt I think she'd look great in + I know she is really skinny + she's very picky about her clothes) so they give mixed signals coming out (hey be excited, this is a gift for you + I bet you won't like it).
posted by aimedwander at 2:08 PM on February 9, 2010
Response by poster: These are all great- I probably won't use any of them.
Just kidding, and from such different angles of thought. I like this example of Bathos:
"The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant."
Someone else suggested passive-aggressive. But, (grasping at straws) I am hoping that there is some relatively obscure word (possibly german origin) that would really hit the nail on the head in describing the entire interaction.
posted by surfgator at 2:10 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just kidding, and from such different angles of thought. I like this example of Bathos:
"The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant."
Someone else suggested passive-aggressive. But, (grasping at straws) I am hoping that there is some relatively obscure word (possibly german origin) that would really hit the nail on the head in describing the entire interaction.
posted by surfgator at 2:10 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Backhanded compliment" comes to mind, so maybe "backhanded [thing]."
posted by Etrigan at 3:19 PM on February 9, 2010
posted by Etrigan at 3:19 PM on February 9, 2010
The reverse of this is a "praise sandwich," where the good stuff is on the outside and the bad stuff in the middle.
Example:
"Debra, let's go over the meeting. Your hair looked great! You probably should not have vomited on the client, but your blouse also looked nice."
posted by charlesv at 7:30 PM on February 9, 2010
Example:
"Debra, let's go over the meeting. Your hair looked great! You probably should not have vomited on the client, but your blouse also looked nice."
posted by charlesv at 7:30 PM on February 9, 2010
FWIW, Tom Waits says in one of his songs "The big print giveth, and the little print taketh away."
posted by ZenMasterThis at 7:41 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ZenMasterThis at 7:41 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:14 PM on February 9, 2010