Why am I crying during sex?

February 3, 2010 2:09 PM

I've never cried during sex. But with this guy, I do. What's this all about?

Divorced for 6 years (had been married for 18), completely non-sexual for over 7. With ex-husband (and maybe 10 partners before him), I kind of enjoyed sex but it never, ever felt like an expression of emotion; it was more of a release.

I've been dating this guy for about 3 months and since the first time together, it feels different. Most of the moves are the same as everyone else I've been with except for this: when we're fooling around (and when we have sex), he asks me to look at him. So I do. But when I do, I get completely choked up, such is the overwhelming rush of emotion I get. And postscript, the sex itself is just completely, insanely hot. We both feel really comfortable and open.

After a post-sex conversation recently, he said that making love with me is completely exciting and fun and all that, but he feels very connected. It feels special and new and all of that glowy "I think I love you" stuff.

And this is new for me.

So tell me, does this kind of overwhelming rush of...I don't know...I almost want to tell him I love him...emotion happen to anyone else?

What does this mean? I really like it, but, it's new. And scary.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 answers total)

Are you recently on birth control? When I started on the pill I went totally emotionally overwhelmed on my boy for like a week before the chemicals sorta evened out.
posted by NoraReed at 2:21 PM on February 3, 2010

You may wish to refer to this and this.
posted by Madamina at 2:22 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's perfectly normal. Don't overthink it. It sounds like you and he are both comfortable with each other so why worry?
posted by Lobster Garden at 2:29 PM on February 3, 2010

I had the same response (well, the rush of emotion, not the crying so much) to the first sexual partner I had who made looking at each other during sex a big part of things. He was, incidentally, also the first sexual partner I had that I actually communicated with about sex.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:29 PM on February 3, 2010

Sometimes my SO will ask me to look at her. To postpone, just for a second, whatever I'm thinking about, and look at her. And when I do, I feel...accepted.

This, to me, is very different, and far more intimate, than feeling desired. And these moments are what living is for.
posted by nickjadlowe at 2:49 PM on February 3, 2010 [24 favorites]

Looking someone in the eyes during sex can be really intense, especially if it's new to you. You're letting him see you at your most vulnerable, and that's an uncomfortable and powerful feeling. If he doesn't want you to look away, you can't really escape from the feeling, and it builds to the point of being overwhelming.

I don't think it's uncommon to want to blurt out declarations of love during/after intense sex. I've felt that way with someone, but later I decided that the feeling wasn't love so much as a deep bond of trust that was forming. I hadn't experienced anything like it before, and it really was frightening.
posted by arianell at 2:50 PM on February 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

Looking someone in the eyes during sex can be really intense, especially if it's new to you.

This. Which doesn't deny good communication and an openness between you; arguably if you didn't feel that way, looking each other in the eyes might derail things rather than enhancing things.
posted by davejay at 3:09 PM on February 3, 2010

It means that you've got something very special. Yes, it's normal--like diamonds are normal--but rare and precious. Don't take it for granted.
posted by sambosambo at 3:30 PM on February 3, 2010 [15 favorites]

You've been non-sexual for seven years, and you're connecting to another person and letting them into your life, and being vulnerable after heartbreak.

Big heady stuff.

Proceed cautiously, and enjoy it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:38 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

This happened to me with my first boyfriend and with my current boyfriend. Not with anyone in between.
Hard to explain but I am sure it is normal. Though it isn't something that happened every time. Once in a while... probably when I was feeling vulnerable or small and found comfort in the arms of my lover.
I likened it to tears of joy for being so close to someone that i loved so much. The release of being able to be that open with someone is very moving.
posted by fogonlittlecatfeet at 3:47 PM on February 3, 2010

Visual contact can kind of make the difference between two bodies doing it and two people doing it. Hooray!
posted by carlh at 4:13 PM on February 3, 2010

arianelle has it. Sometimes if you're especially emotionally connected during sex, it can also feel like you're emotionally NAKED, so whatever fleeting emotion bobs to the surface just shoots straight out. Especially so if you're feeling really emotionally close to someone after 6-7 years of "not stellar."

Just roll with it. My hunch is that in time it'll lessen a bit; fogonlittlecatfeet also has it that it's tears of joy. I've gotten that a few times as well, as well as getting sex-induced giggle fits and all sorts of other things.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:40 PM on February 3, 2010

you're crying because you haven't had sex for 7 years. when you used to be a runner and start jogging again after 7 years of inactivity, your body will cry. same thing with sex.
posted by defmute at 6:02 PM on February 3, 2010

Nthing what most have said --- it's the CONNECTION that is awesome. Being able to be vulnerable and have someone WANT you to be that way is pretty intense. (sigh - wish I had that. It is what makes all the difference (IMO)).
posted by Mysticalchick at 5:53 AM on February 4, 2010