What am I so jealous of?
February 3, 2010 12:43 PM Subscribe
I'm jealous of an old friend's baby, have I made a big mistake?
Last week i found out an old friend has given birth to a little boy. I knew she was pregnant, but it didn't really sink in before.
On hearing the news, I found myself horribly, painfully jealous. To bo honest I have been for a while - she's a free spirit, travels a lot and doesn't settle. I'd love to live that life, but I chose to settle in a town where i could do the job i love, and enjoy urban life for a while.
This jealousy has made me afraid - have I chosen the wrong path? I'd love to be where she is right now - i always wanted to have kids young, but the time when I'd feel ready seems so far off - I'm only 27, I don't feel i have enough to give them right now, and I haven't achieved all I'd like to with my career.
Can any wise mefite give me an insight into this ugly, frightening feeling? I'd appreciate it. Be gentle with me - I know it sounds a bit "i want it all" and I'm not usually this shortsighted, but it's caught me off guard feeling this way.
Thanks to anyone who can share their take or experience.
Last week i found out an old friend has given birth to a little boy. I knew she was pregnant, but it didn't really sink in before.
On hearing the news, I found myself horribly, painfully jealous. To bo honest I have been for a while - she's a free spirit, travels a lot and doesn't settle. I'd love to live that life, but I chose to settle in a town where i could do the job i love, and enjoy urban life for a while.
This jealousy has made me afraid - have I chosen the wrong path? I'd love to be where she is right now - i always wanted to have kids young, but the time when I'd feel ready seems so far off - I'm only 27, I don't feel i have enough to give them right now, and I haven't achieved all I'd like to with my career.
Can any wise mefite give me an insight into this ugly, frightening feeling? I'd appreciate it. Be gentle with me - I know it sounds a bit "i want it all" and I'm not usually this shortsighted, but it's caught me off guard feeling this way.
Thanks to anyone who can share their take or experience.
Fracas makes good points. The grass is always greener on your neighbor's lawn. Etc.
posted by dfriedman at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2010
posted by dfriedman at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2010
So you're a twenty-seven year old female and your baby alarm has gone off?
Sounds pretty normal to me. These sorts of things have been discussed previously on the Green.
posted by valkyryn at 12:59 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sounds pretty normal to me. These sorts of things have been discussed previously on the Green.
posted by valkyryn at 12:59 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your current reasoning for not having kids yet seems sound. I would focus on those things instead of your past expectations for when you would have kids, which probably were based more on the fantasy of being a young mother than any kind of realistic planning.
One way of looking at things is that you always have the option to have/adopt children in the future and her child, as much as she loves him, will require a significant amount of resources and time that you are free to spend on other aspects of your life. It sounds like you have a great life, too, with a job and an urban life that you love.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 1:08 PM on February 3, 2010
One way of looking at things is that you always have the option to have/adopt children in the future and her child, as much as she loves him, will require a significant amount of resources and time that you are free to spend on other aspects of your life. It sounds like you have a great life, too, with a job and an urban life that you love.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 1:08 PM on February 3, 2010
Do you have a strained relationship with your parents? Find it a chore to talk to them? Or at least remember what a hard time you gave them when you were a teenager?
Your friend is staring down the barrel of all of that. I don't envy her. Don't see any reason why you should either.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:11 PM on February 3, 2010
Your friend is staring down the barrel of all of that. I don't envy her. Don't see any reason why you should either.
posted by Joe Beese at 1:11 PM on February 3, 2010
I don't think the OP is asking whether she should have kids.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:12 PM on February 3, 2010
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:12 PM on February 3, 2010
have I chosen the wrong path?
There is no path and no choosing.
Spend no time contemplating things not right in front of your face. Realize that doing that is just hiding from what is really happening to you now.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:15 PM on February 3, 2010 [31 favorites]
There is no path and no choosing.
Spend no time contemplating things not right in front of your face. Realize that doing that is just hiding from what is really happening to you now.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:15 PM on February 3, 2010 [31 favorites]
This isn't necessarily about kids or having kids. You were already jealous, and it seems like it wasn't just what she was doing, but who she is -- one of those amazing free spirits that charm everybody, light up a room, and are just great. Meanwhile, you're uptight and you worry. I've been there and I am there. It's probably that she was born was an attitude that makes her enviable. She's enviable because she's upbeat, yet I'm willing to bet she really envies you. Her life is settled somewhat permanently.
The truth of the matter is that we don't know what is happening in her life and could be happening in it. You guys probably have a lot of different values and ideas about life, and you should just explore what you think. Also, you can't change who you are that drastically and become a hippy dippy. Her newborn could end up being a killer, drug dealer, NeoNazi, or a great person.
As someone in my 30s without kids, I had a really strong envy for my friends who married very early on and settled (I think this happened at 27-28), but only because I saw pictures and didn't know the full extent of their problems. And everyone, believe me, has challenges. Without a newborn, you don't have the challenges she does and I'm sure she wishes she were less of a free spirit so many times and just had the temperment that would let her get her life together.
posted by anniecat at 1:28 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
The truth of the matter is that we don't know what is happening in her life and could be happening in it. You guys probably have a lot of different values and ideas about life, and you should just explore what you think. Also, you can't change who you are that drastically and become a hippy dippy. Her newborn could end up being a killer, drug dealer, NeoNazi, or a great person.
As someone in my 30s without kids, I had a really strong envy for my friends who married very early on and settled (I think this happened at 27-28), but only because I saw pictures and didn't know the full extent of their problems. And everyone, believe me, has challenges. Without a newborn, you don't have the challenges she does and I'm sure she wishes she were less of a free spirit so many times and just had the temperment that would let her get her life together.
posted by anniecat at 1:28 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are not on the wrong path because, if you want it, the path you are on includes the "have a kid" option for another 15 years or so. Your friend no longer has the option to not have kids.
Enjoy life.
posted by bondcliff at 1:30 PM on February 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
Enjoy life.
posted by bondcliff at 1:30 PM on February 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
To be a bit more clear, this idea of a "path" is a construct. Must you really think of things in terms of a set of actions controlled only by you that results in you being in the exact position that you are in right now? It is a pretty unrealistic way of thinking about things in such a straight forward narrative structure, while ignoring the myriad ways that we are left without choice in this world.
Think of it this way--absolutely nothing stops you from walking out the door and living this life you believe you envy. You could abandon all you have done and throw it away for what your friend has. You could be pregnant within the next five minutes if you so chose and toss away everything you have worked for.
The fact that you see her choice as a path she has chosen and your choice as path that you value so highly that you cannot just throw it away indicates that you have some pretty solid reasons for being where you are right now. Otherwise, why not just run off?
posted by Ironmouth at 1:32 PM on February 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Think of it this way--absolutely nothing stops you from walking out the door and living this life you believe you envy. You could abandon all you have done and throw it away for what your friend has. You could be pregnant within the next five minutes if you so chose and toss away everything you have worked for.
The fact that you see her choice as a path she has chosen and your choice as path that you value so highly that you cannot just throw it away indicates that you have some pretty solid reasons for being where you are right now. Otherwise, why not just run off?
posted by Ironmouth at 1:32 PM on February 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
The wisest thing anyone ever said to me about life was something my best friend said in passing: "Accept that your life will never be normal and go on from there."
She was actually talking about something silly in passing, but I've come to process it as: there is no one universal "right path" or "wrong path". There is only "right for you" and "wrong for you." Whether what you are doing is right or wrong for you can change for lots of reasons, and can change an infinite number of times.
I'm reassuring you about that because you're asking yourself "did I do the wrong thing." As for where the jealousy may be coming from: part of that may be because being a new mother puts you into a very particular spotlight, and you're seeing a lot of people fuss over her right now. Which means your jealousy may be a very natural, human reaction.
Be patient with how you feel about things, and remember that you can always change your mind about your path. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:34 PM on February 3, 2010
She was actually talking about something silly in passing, but I've come to process it as: there is no one universal "right path" or "wrong path". There is only "right for you" and "wrong for you." Whether what you are doing is right or wrong for you can change for lots of reasons, and can change an infinite number of times.
I'm reassuring you about that because you're asking yourself "did I do the wrong thing." As for where the jealousy may be coming from: part of that may be because being a new mother puts you into a very particular spotlight, and you're seeing a lot of people fuss over her right now. Which means your jealousy may be a very natural, human reaction.
Be patient with how you feel about things, and remember that you can always change your mind about your path. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:34 PM on February 3, 2010
Someone asked a similar question yesterday so I'll give basically the same answer I gave there: I got married young, bought a little-bitty house, have two cats and a baby and a 10-year-old car and I work part-time so I can be home with my spawn. One of my best friends is single, has a kick-ass city loft, an exciting career with tons of travel, no pets, nothing tying her down.
Sometimes I feel jealous of her, because her life is so expansive and free and mine seems so small and shabby by comparison. But I was talking to her one day and found out sometimes she feels jealous of me because my life is so cozy and settled and hers seems so empty and unrooted by comparison.
We make choices and those choices do cut off other choices (travel is very hard for me these days, and I do love to travel), and it's natural to feel sadness or jealousy or even trapped when those choices are cut off, EVEN IF you generally feel good about your choices. I am very happy with my life, but I still sometimes feel sad for the lives I don't have.
A lot of people like to say, "Her life only seems great ...." I think probably your friend's life IS great, but she still sometimes feels sadness or wishes it were different or panics about it. I think YOUR life is probably great too, and all you're feeling is that normal uncertainty.
Can you visit her and get some baby snuggles in? Library babies are the best -- the babies you get to borrow, and give back when you're bored of them. :)
FYI, at 27 the time when I'd be ready to have a baby seemed unimaginably far off too. At 30, and fairly suddenly, I knew it was time to start.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:46 PM on February 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sometimes I feel jealous of her, because her life is so expansive and free and mine seems so small and shabby by comparison. But I was talking to her one day and found out sometimes she feels jealous of me because my life is so cozy and settled and hers seems so empty and unrooted by comparison.
We make choices and those choices do cut off other choices (travel is very hard for me these days, and I do love to travel), and it's natural to feel sadness or jealousy or even trapped when those choices are cut off, EVEN IF you generally feel good about your choices. I am very happy with my life, but I still sometimes feel sad for the lives I don't have.
A lot of people like to say, "Her life only seems great ...." I think probably your friend's life IS great, but she still sometimes feels sadness or wishes it were different or panics about it. I think YOUR life is probably great too, and all you're feeling is that normal uncertainty.
Can you visit her and get some baby snuggles in? Library babies are the best -- the babies you get to borrow, and give back when you're bored of them. :)
FYI, at 27 the time when I'd be ready to have a baby seemed unimaginably far off too. At 30, and fairly suddenly, I knew it was time to start.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:46 PM on February 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't have kids, and I've never wanted to have them. I have however had the experience of chuntering along quite peacefully in my life, then getting news from a friend and having a sudden and really quite surprising kick of pain/wistfulness/jealousy, because I realise my life doesn't have that thing (be it a job, a year working in Japan, or settling down with cats in my own apartment) in it at the moment.
Sometimes I think this feeling has useful information to give me about my life -- as in, maybe I do want to think about doing a similar thing and make concrete steps towards achieving that in a few years, or whenever I'm ready. To that end I could make changes in my life to reach that, or be more awake to opportunities to do cool stuff when they arise.
Sometimes however I think that this feeling is just me noticing that for whatever reason there are certain things I'm not doing right now. It's inevitable that at every point there will be certain things my life doesn't include. It is not necessarily good or bad that I am not about to move in with a boyfriend, backpack in New Zealand, own a cat or do an internship at the European Commission (I have had the wistfulness/jealousy thing about all these experiences, for what it's worth). It's sort of my heart waking up to the idea that things could be different. Sometimes that means I change the way I live, and sometimes I accept it as a feeling that is inevitable now and then, even if I know that the choices I have made are good for me and that I'm largely happy with my life.
Even if you do decide to have kids at some point along the road -- and being 27 and having a job you love does not at all represent any bridges burned -- I'm not sure jealousy/wistfulness/whatever it is always tells the truth about the world.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 1:50 PM on February 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sometimes I think this feeling has useful information to give me about my life -- as in, maybe I do want to think about doing a similar thing and make concrete steps towards achieving that in a few years, or whenever I'm ready. To that end I could make changes in my life to reach that, or be more awake to opportunities to do cool stuff when they arise.
Sometimes however I think that this feeling is just me noticing that for whatever reason there are certain things I'm not doing right now. It's inevitable that at every point there will be certain things my life doesn't include. It is not necessarily good or bad that I am not about to move in with a boyfriend, backpack in New Zealand, own a cat or do an internship at the European Commission (I have had the wistfulness/jealousy thing about all these experiences, for what it's worth). It's sort of my heart waking up to the idea that things could be different. Sometimes that means I change the way I live, and sometimes I accept it as a feeling that is inevitable now and then, even if I know that the choices I have made are good for me and that I'm largely happy with my life.
Even if you do decide to have kids at some point along the road -- and being 27 and having a job you love does not at all represent any bridges burned -- I'm not sure jealousy/wistfulness/whatever it is always tells the truth about the world.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 1:50 PM on February 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
Jealousy is such a powerful emotion. It is probably clouding how you see yourself right now. Hang in there. And try not to let it turn you away from your friend or her child. They can enrich your life whatever direction it takes, and your honest introspective spirit will surely enrich that kid.
posted by Bet Glenn at 1:56 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Bet Glenn at 1:56 PM on February 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're not happy with your life; your jealousy comes from an assumption (possibly untrue) that her life is better than yours. It may or may not actually be, but it doesn't matter, because you're not in a competition and often the idea of something turns out to be a lot more appealing than the reality.
You have a job you love, and you're only 27. I know people who are older than you and had kids younger, and hate their jobs and wish they were in your shoes. That's how life is, we see the things we want and hate that we don't have them. Take steps to get what you want, one by one, after making sure you really want them (with kids, volunteer to help out and spend time with people who have just had them, and you'll get a taste for how awful it can be in the short term with the payoff coming as the kids get older -- for many, that's a process they're not willing to go through, but they take great pleasure in being an unofficial aunt or uncle getting their baby fix as needed.)
Data point: I'm 39, and have two four-year-olds. When I was 27, I was still trying to find a job I loved (I didn't start my current career -- which I love -- until I was 28, and I was starting from the ground up for very little money at that point so I didn't love it like I do now.) So you have time, provided you start taking small steps in the right direction.
As for the right direction: you won't know until you start going the wrong way and decide "ew, that's not it." So get to changing and trying new things.
posted by davejay at 2:15 PM on February 3, 2010
You have a job you love, and you're only 27. I know people who are older than you and had kids younger, and hate their jobs and wish they were in your shoes. That's how life is, we see the things we want and hate that we don't have them. Take steps to get what you want, one by one, after making sure you really want them (with kids, volunteer to help out and spend time with people who have just had them, and you'll get a taste for how awful it can be in the short term with the payoff coming as the kids get older -- for many, that's a process they're not willing to go through, but they take great pleasure in being an unofficial aunt or uncle getting their baby fix as needed.)
Data point: I'm 39, and have two four-year-olds. When I was 27, I was still trying to find a job I loved (I didn't start my current career -- which I love -- until I was 28, and I was starting from the ground up for very little money at that point so I didn't love it like I do now.) So you have time, provided you start taking small steps in the right direction.
As for the right direction: you won't know until you start going the wrong way and decide "ew, that's not it." So get to changing and trying new things.
posted by davejay at 2:15 PM on February 3, 2010
Only a person with a shocking lack of introspection would never wonder about the road not taken, or have moments of doubt about where they are in life.
You're fine. Carry on.
posted by adamrice at 2:17 PM on February 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
You're fine. Carry on.
posted by adamrice at 2:17 PM on February 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
One of my favorite quotes is, I think, applicable here:
"Every ship is a romantic object, except that we sail in. "
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:40 PM on February 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
"Every ship is a romantic object, except that we sail in. "
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:40 PM on February 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
follow-up from the OP:
Thanks to everyone who answered. Your collective responses have profoundly helped me to move on from this little emotional rut I fell into. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.
Viva les mefites...
posted by jessamyn at 5:53 AM on February 4, 2010
Thanks to everyone who answered. Your collective responses have profoundly helped me to move on from this little emotional rut I fell into. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.
Viva les mefites...
posted by jessamyn at 5:53 AM on February 4, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Have you ever spent a long time - at least a couple weeks - with a family who has a baby? Having kids is one of those things I feel our culture is quite duplicitous about: they're cute, they're fun, but they cry a lot and they need you all the time and the wonderful soul-filling feelings of Joy At Being A Mother are fleeting at best for most women. She's probably as jealous of you for your settled, stable, urban life of uninterrupted sleep and job satisfaction. Kids are an enormous pain in the ass in addition to being a wonderful, joyous experience - sometimes, although rarely, both at the same time.
posted by Fraxas at 12:50 PM on February 3, 2010 [12 favorites]