Wait, you know her from... where?!
January 28, 2010 9:57 PM Subscribe
RelationshipFilter: A girl I've never met is spending a few days at my boyfriend's house. Am I overreacting, given the circumstances? (long-ish)
Background: My boyfriend Greg and I are both from Sacramento, but I'm finishing up my last year of college in Texas. Greg is an old family friend who is a few years older than me (he's 26, I'm 22), and we started dating when I was visiting my parents over the summer in 2008 (~16 months ago). Thus our relationship has mostly been long-distance, but I'm planning on returning to Sac-Town and moving in with Greg after I graduate. In the meantime, we take turns visiting each other every month or two. When we're not together, we talk on Skype almost every night.
When we were skyping a few nights ago, Greg mentioned that his friend Lindsay will be in town for 4 days next week, and asked if I was okay with the idea of Lindsay staying at his house. I said yes, because Greg has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I did admit that it made me feel slightly uneasy/jealous. I had never heard anything about Lindsay before, so I figured she was probably an old friend from high school who needed a place to crash while visiting friends or job-hunting or something.
Last night, I asked a few more questions (what day Lindsay was arriving, how long they'd known each other, etc) and I learned that Lindsay is Greg's online friend from Boston. They've been talking for a few years, but they've never met in person before. Lindsay doesn't have any particular reason to be in Sacramento... in fact, the entire purpose of her visit is meeting/hanging out with my boyfriend, going to a concert together, sightseeing, etc.
I don't think that Greg is planning to cheat, or anything like that. But now that I know the whole story, I find the situation very odd, and I'm definitely not totally okay with it. It bothers me that Greg didn't explain the circumstances of the visit when he first brought it up, and I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of him spending every waking minute with a girl he's never met before. It just doesn't seem completely appropriate, given that he's in a monogamous long-term relationship. I've brought all this up with a couple of my friends, and there seems to be an interesting gender divide... my male friends don't think I have anything to worry about, while my girlfriends agree with me that it seems a little fishy.
I don't want to make a big deal about this if it turns out I'm being paranoid, especially since it's probably too late for Lindsay to alter her travel plans without losing a ton of money. So... am I being paranoid? Or am I being too trusting/naive? What's the best way for me to deal with my unease about this whole situation?
Background: My boyfriend Greg and I are both from Sacramento, but I'm finishing up my last year of college in Texas. Greg is an old family friend who is a few years older than me (he's 26, I'm 22), and we started dating when I was visiting my parents over the summer in 2008 (~16 months ago). Thus our relationship has mostly been long-distance, but I'm planning on returning to Sac-Town and moving in with Greg after I graduate. In the meantime, we take turns visiting each other every month or two. When we're not together, we talk on Skype almost every night.
When we were skyping a few nights ago, Greg mentioned that his friend Lindsay will be in town for 4 days next week, and asked if I was okay with the idea of Lindsay staying at his house. I said yes, because Greg has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I did admit that it made me feel slightly uneasy/jealous. I had never heard anything about Lindsay before, so I figured she was probably an old friend from high school who needed a place to crash while visiting friends or job-hunting or something.
Last night, I asked a few more questions (what day Lindsay was arriving, how long they'd known each other, etc) and I learned that Lindsay is Greg's online friend from Boston. They've been talking for a few years, but they've never met in person before. Lindsay doesn't have any particular reason to be in Sacramento... in fact, the entire purpose of her visit is meeting/hanging out with my boyfriend, going to a concert together, sightseeing, etc.
I don't think that Greg is planning to cheat, or anything like that. But now that I know the whole story, I find the situation very odd, and I'm definitely not totally okay with it. It bothers me that Greg didn't explain the circumstances of the visit when he first brought it up, and I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of him spending every waking minute with a girl he's never met before. It just doesn't seem completely appropriate, given that he's in a monogamous long-term relationship. I've brought all this up with a couple of my friends, and there seems to be an interesting gender divide... my male friends don't think I have anything to worry about, while my girlfriends agree with me that it seems a little fishy.
I don't want to make a big deal about this if it turns out I'm being paranoid, especially since it's probably too late for Lindsay to alter her travel plans without losing a ton of money. So... am I being paranoid? Or am I being too trusting/naive? What's the best way for me to deal with my unease about this whole situation?
If you trust him, then trust him. This sort of thing isn't that unusual. It's two friends meeting up and hanging out. You wouldn't feel the same if Lindsay were "Mike", would you? You sound insecure and are more than likely overreacting.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:23 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:23 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
When my buddy's girlfriend started doing some small-time modeling, she asked him why he didn't helicopter over here like most of the model's boyfriends who would sit on the couch in the studio for 5-6 hours at a go, keeping an eye on their gfs. "If you're going to cheat on me, you're going to cheat on me. If I have to be there 24/7 to make sure you're not stepping out, that's not a relationship I want to be in."
posted by jedrek at 10:30 PM on January 28, 2010 [38 favorites]
posted by jedrek at 10:30 PM on January 28, 2010 [38 favorites]
Seems kind of strange that he never mentioned his online buddy from Boston, especially when this buddy is so tight with him that she's now going to fly across the continent just to see him. You'd think that on one of those many, many, many skype calls he would have brought her up. Nevertheless, I can think of several reasons that why he might have played it this way that do not involve any intention to bone Lindsay. But whatever his motives, you have a right to be upset, if for nothing other than he was very inconsiderate in the way he handled things.
Also, given that I'm a man, and therefore a pig, I'm thinking that if you could see a picture of her you'd be in a lot better situation to judge the threat level here.
posted by Crotalus at 10:33 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, given that I'm a man, and therefore a pig, I'm thinking that if you could see a picture of her you'd be in a lot better situation to judge the threat level here.
posted by Crotalus at 10:33 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm with Crotalus. It seems strange to me that you are only really learning the specifics of their relationship now. I can't really say whether or not suspicion is justified, but to me this kind of falls in the category of "potentially not cool."
posted by dhammond at 10:43 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by dhammond at 10:43 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I had an online friend fly out from to East Coast to visit me in California a few years ago, and it was a blast! For him, it was an excuse for a vacation with a free place to stay and a built in tour guide. It was totally innocuous; we didn't flirt online and we didn't flirt in person. We were just friends and him coming to visit didn't change that.
However, I don't think it is totally unreasonable to be uncomfortable; since you're long distance you don't have the option of meeting her, which would probably put your anxiety to rest. As it is, you'll just be imagining some hottie in skimpy pajamas on his couch while you're wearing sweats doing your homework (or am I the only one who does this?) Kidding aside, it's different because you can't be there and if he's busy doing host type things, you might feel like he's putting her before you. I would probably just ask if you can still catch up for a few minutes each night before you go to bed--not your normal long Skype conversations, but just enough so you can connect with him at night.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:47 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
However, I don't think it is totally unreasonable to be uncomfortable; since you're long distance you don't have the option of meeting her, which would probably put your anxiety to rest. As it is, you'll just be imagining some hottie in skimpy pajamas on his couch while you're wearing sweats doing your homework (or am I the only one who does this?) Kidding aside, it's different because you can't be there and if he's busy doing host type things, you might feel like he's putting her before you. I would probably just ask if you can still catch up for a few minutes each night before you go to bed--not your normal long Skype conversations, but just enough so you can connect with him at night.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:47 PM on January 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, if it's not clear...I am female.
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:49 PM on January 28, 2010
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:49 PM on January 28, 2010
Is the main purpose of her visit to attend the concert? The reason I ask is because I used to have a male pen-pal (this was in the pre-Internet/Skype days) whom I'd corresponded with for several years who was a big Paul McCartney fan. He had a steady girlfriend who wasn't a fan and he knew that I was a huge Beatles fan. Thus, when Paul was touring the US, instead of seeing him in his own town, Pen-Pal wrote and asked if I'd be interested in seeing Paul in my town with him if he flew down. I could also show him around town, etc, (and I could tell that he was fishing around for an invite to stay at my place to save him the cost of a hotel room). So anyway, he came, we attended the concert together and then spent three days seeing some local sights, hitting a few clubs. Nothing romantic whatsoever.
My point is, it is possible that this is a totally innocent and platonic relationship. But, depending upon how much of his daily life he shares with you, it does seem a bit odd that he's never mentioned this friend in Boston before. On the other hand, quite often people are very different when you spend every waking minute with them versus the way they seem when chatting online. Even if Lindsay has romantic ideas in mind, Greg may not be enamored with her once he spends so much quality time with her.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:07 PM on January 28, 2010
My point is, it is possible that this is a totally innocent and platonic relationship. But, depending upon how much of his daily life he shares with you, it does seem a bit odd that he's never mentioned this friend in Boston before. On the other hand, quite often people are very different when you spend every waking minute with them versus the way they seem when chatting online. Even if Lindsay has romantic ideas in mind, Greg may not be enamored with her once he spends so much quality time with her.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:07 PM on January 28, 2010
Trust Greg to do the right thing. If he does, he's a keeper. If he doesn't, you've found out he's not somebody you'd want for a partner anyway. Either way, you win.
posted by flabdablet at 11:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 11:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
Um, I disagree with most everything above: this is not cool, at all.
I'm a dude, and this is 100% not appropriate. If the girl was an old friend from high school or something, it would still be weird, but the fact that she's essentially a stranger makes this just flat-out wrong. And this is not a trust issue. It's a respect issue. IMO, it's REALLY disrespectful for him to even ask you to be OK with this. Of course you wouldn't be, and you shouldn't feel like an insecure loser for not being, because virtually no one in your shoes would be.
If he doesn't like not having the freedom to do something like this, then he doesn't understand the concept of a relationship. In fact, the whole relationship he has with this girl is questionable. Sure, he can have friends of the opposite sex, but there's a line he can't cross, and not being 100% transparent about this relationship with you, and asking to house her without you being there is far past the line.
My advice: Stop feeling guilty about being insecure about this situation. That's completely normal and appropriate. Tell him now you are not comfortable with it, and that's just the way it is. If he tries to convince you to feel otherwise, or tries to make you feel guilty, then he's wrong. And if he does it anyway (houses her), well, I'd really think about whether this guy is worth your time, because this kinda thing will likely happen again.
And remember, I'm a dude saying all this.
posted by JPowers at 11:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [24 favorites]
I'm a dude, and this is 100% not appropriate. If the girl was an old friend from high school or something, it would still be weird, but the fact that she's essentially a stranger makes this just flat-out wrong. And this is not a trust issue. It's a respect issue. IMO, it's REALLY disrespectful for him to even ask you to be OK with this. Of course you wouldn't be, and you shouldn't feel like an insecure loser for not being, because virtually no one in your shoes would be.
If he doesn't like not having the freedom to do something like this, then he doesn't understand the concept of a relationship. In fact, the whole relationship he has with this girl is questionable. Sure, he can have friends of the opposite sex, but there's a line he can't cross, and not being 100% transparent about this relationship with you, and asking to house her without you being there is far past the line.
My advice: Stop feeling guilty about being insecure about this situation. That's completely normal and appropriate. Tell him now you are not comfortable with it, and that's just the way it is. If he tries to convince you to feel otherwise, or tries to make you feel guilty, then he's wrong. And if he does it anyway (houses her), well, I'd really think about whether this guy is worth your time, because this kinda thing will likely happen again.
And remember, I'm a dude saying all this.
posted by JPowers at 11:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [24 favorites]
How did he act when you were asking those additional questions?
posted by salvia at 11:29 PM on January 28, 2010
posted by salvia at 11:29 PM on January 28, 2010
IMO, it's REALLY disrespectful for him to even ask you to be OK with this. Of course you wouldn't be, and you shouldn't feel like an insecure loser for not being, because virtually no one in your shoes would be.
I would.
If ms. flabdablet wants to play host to anybody she damn well pleases while I'm not around, that's fine by me. I wouldn't worry about it for two seconds, because I have simply decided to trust her to do the right thing, always, as a matter of internal personal policy. I made that decision for nobody's benefit but mine, and I can assure you that the drama-free interior life it enables is absolutely worthwhile.
posted by flabdablet at 11:34 PM on January 28, 2010 [24 favorites]
I would.
If ms. flabdablet wants to play host to anybody she damn well pleases while I'm not around, that's fine by me. I wouldn't worry about it for two seconds, because I have simply decided to trust her to do the right thing, always, as a matter of internal personal policy. I made that decision for nobody's benefit but mine, and I can assure you that the drama-free interior life it enables is absolutely worthwhile.
posted by flabdablet at 11:34 PM on January 28, 2010 [24 favorites]
It seems strange to me that you are only really learning the specifics of their relationship now.
I understand that, though. I didn't tell my husband any details of online people I'd met for two whole years. Mostly because I didn't know how to explain it, because I wasn't sure myself what was happening.
"Yeah I met these people on the internet and now we are good friends. Some of them are guys. No no, people on the internet ARE real people. Yes, you CAN be good friends with online people...I think."
Finally, we got to meet a few of them and it became a lot easier to explain, and explain I did, just in little bits and pieces. He's pretty happy about it now. It must have been weird for him not knowing what I was doing, exactly, but he isn't a jealous person and wasn't bothered by that part of it, just a bit weirded out.
I do think you should share your worries with your boyfriend and tell him what you need from him to feel more secure. If he's a good guy he'll be happy to make you feel better. I like Desuetude's idea of a phone call in her presence to establish the reality of your relationship.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:34 PM on January 28, 2010
I understand that, though. I didn't tell my husband any details of online people I'd met for two whole years. Mostly because I didn't know how to explain it, because I wasn't sure myself what was happening.
"Yeah I met these people on the internet and now we are good friends. Some of them are guys. No no, people on the internet ARE real people. Yes, you CAN be good friends with online people...I think."
Finally, we got to meet a few of them and it became a lot easier to explain, and explain I did, just in little bits and pieces. He's pretty happy about it now. It must have been weird for him not knowing what I was doing, exactly, but he isn't a jealous person and wasn't bothered by that part of it, just a bit weirded out.
I do think you should share your worries with your boyfriend and tell him what you need from him to feel more secure. If he's a good guy he'll be happy to make you feel better. I like Desuetude's idea of a phone call in her presence to establish the reality of your relationship.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:34 PM on January 28, 2010
For me it'd depend upon whether or not having random friends to stay (particularly ones from the internets) were something that he regularly did. And, not that it's necessarily odd to not know details on everyone your significant other is spending time with, it would indeed annoy me in general not to have heard more about this person well in advance of her going to visit him. That's enough to dismiss paranoia in my mind. Filling in the blanks at the last minute- well after the time when any objections could be raised without placing the objector in a position of being the bad one for wanting to spoil expensive plans- is thoughtless if it's believable that he really would never imagine you might be uncomfortable with the situation. If not, it's pretty dickish.
Depressing data point: My s.o. during college was the visit-maker under pretty similar basic circumstances. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, since to not do so would have been mildly rude, and was rewarded by his explicit honesty in telling me a few weeks later about how exactly they'd spent their time together. In retrospect, the correct thing would not have been to say "no", but "bye".
However you decide to address it, I do not suggest that, in the interest of being an open-minded and non-jealous person at all costs, you simply shrug and let it happen without at least stating your feelings to him very clearly and weighing your intuitive reaction to how he responds.
posted by notquitemaryann at 11:35 PM on January 28, 2010
Depressing data point: My s.o. during college was the visit-maker under pretty similar basic circumstances. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, since to not do so would have been mildly rude, and was rewarded by his explicit honesty in telling me a few weeks later about how exactly they'd spent their time together. In retrospect, the correct thing would not have been to say "no", but "bye".
However you decide to address it, I do not suggest that, in the interest of being an open-minded and non-jealous person at all costs, you simply shrug and let it happen without at least stating your feelings to him very clearly and weighing your intuitive reaction to how he responds.
posted by notquitemaryann at 11:35 PM on January 28, 2010
Years ago, I was the one taking the trip to visit a girl I had connected with online. That visit turned out to be the punctuation mark that ended her relationship with her then boyfriend about whom I had heard nothing previously. I guess some of the comments above make clear that anything is possible, but I just don't think most people would fly across the country just to visit a buddy they had never met unless there really is more to be gained from the trip whether it's sight-seeing, a specific concert, or quite possibly, romance. And let's face it... Sacremento isn't exactly Paris.
posted by drpynchon at 12:21 AM on January 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by drpynchon at 12:21 AM on January 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
Is there any legitimate reason that could get you into his town during one of the four days, so you can have dinner with him and meet his friend at the same time? His response to this suggestion will tell you a lot about their relationship.
posted by davejay at 12:55 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by davejay at 12:55 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh, a few more thoughts: first, if he wanted to he could have hidden the fact of this girl entirely from you, so his admission might be a sign of honest intentions, or a sign that he felt guilty about it and felt like asking you would alleviate some of that guilt. So nothing definitive there.
Second, don't worry about being paranoid, or naive -- worry about being dishonest about your feelings, to yourself and to him. If the additional info you've found out is leaving you squeamish, say so, since open communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. "You know, I said I was okay with Lindsey staying with you, but after a while I realized I'm actually not really okay with it, specifically because [your reasons.] You're a big boy and you can do what you want, of course, but I want you to know I'm not casual about this; it's bothering me. If there's something you can think of that might help me cope with this, or anything you want to tell me that you think will help me be more understanding, I'd love to hear it." Something like that.
posted by davejay at 12:59 AM on January 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
Second, don't worry about being paranoid, or naive -- worry about being dishonest about your feelings, to yourself and to him. If the additional info you've found out is leaving you squeamish, say so, since open communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. "You know, I said I was okay with Lindsey staying with you, but after a while I realized I'm actually not really okay with it, specifically because [your reasons.] You're a big boy and you can do what you want, of course, but I want you to know I'm not casual about this; it's bothering me. If there's something you can think of that might help me cope with this, or anything you want to tell me that you think will help me be more understanding, I'd love to hear it." Something like that.
posted by davejay at 12:59 AM on January 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
It's weird, sure, but all you can do is trust him. If it goes awry, then that's what happens and everyone learns whatever lesson they're going to learn from it. If it doesn't, yay, you got to trust someone and have it rewarded.
posted by batmonkey at 1:16 AM on January 29, 2010
posted by batmonkey at 1:16 AM on January 29, 2010
He was honest, and trusting enough to bring it up with you; he did the right thing, right? Why would he not continue doing the right thing?
If he wants to break up with you, nothing you can do will change that fact, others or no. I'm a guy who has always had a majority of female friends - I just like girls better - and I would be disappointed and sad if any of my girlfriends had ever questioned my friendships, because they meant a lot to me and gave me a lot of support.
People on the internet don't know your boyfriend, your relationship, you two as a couple. You do know your boyfriend. If you trust him, you should let this weekend happen; and if you don't, you should break up immediately. Being with someone you don't trust is no kind of relationship, and being untrusted in a relationship is the worst.
posted by smoke at 3:06 AM on January 29, 2010 [4 favorites]
If he wants to break up with you, nothing you can do will change that fact, others or no. I'm a guy who has always had a majority of female friends - I just like girls better - and I would be disappointed and sad if any of my girlfriends had ever questioned my friendships, because they meant a lot to me and gave me a lot of support.
People on the internet don't know your boyfriend, your relationship, you two as a couple. You do know your boyfriend. If you trust him, you should let this weekend happen; and if you don't, you should break up immediately. Being with someone you don't trust is no kind of relationship, and being untrusted in a relationship is the worst.
posted by smoke at 3:06 AM on January 29, 2010 [4 favorites]
Personally, it sounds like he's being cool about it all and probably honest. I wouldn't trust her, though.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 3:59 AM on January 29, 2010
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 3:59 AM on January 29, 2010
Judging from your post title, you don't sound entirely comfortable with online relationships (however innocent) becoming real relationships, regardless of the genders and marital status involved. That's fine; I and a lot of people I know are the same way. But some people are entirely comfortable with it. It seems he's closer to that end of the spectrum.
So if you want to put the kibosh on this whole thing, you can do so without even broaching the subject of infidelity. But I would just go ahead and do so, to get it out in the open.
What I would do if I were you is say that "it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that this would feel and look a lot less weird if I was around when she came out to visit." Also, no harm in saying "I have no reason to trust her." Even if he's much more comfortable about online relationships becoming "real" than you, he must respect your wishes.
(P.S.: also a dude here.)
posted by AugieAugustus at 4:40 AM on January 29, 2010
So if you want to put the kibosh on this whole thing, you can do so without even broaching the subject of infidelity. But I would just go ahead and do so, to get it out in the open.
What I would do if I were you is say that "it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that this would feel and look a lot less weird if I was around when she came out to visit." Also, no harm in saying "I have no reason to trust her." Even if he's much more comfortable about online relationships becoming "real" than you, he must respect your wishes.
(P.S.: also a dude here.)
posted by AugieAugustus at 4:40 AM on January 29, 2010
Tell him you would like to speak with Lyndsey first.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:32 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 5:32 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Compare yourself with the girl in this thread whose partner doesn't want her at a conference. As Davejay says you should suggest that you visit at the same time. If he's cool with it, then it's cool, if he's not then it's not.
posted by roofus at 6:12 AM on January 29, 2010
posted by roofus at 6:12 AM on January 29, 2010
I guess some of the comments above make clear that anything is possible, but I just don't think most people would fly across the country just to visit a buddy they had never met unless there really is more to be gained from the trip whether it's sight-seeing, a specific concert, or quite possibly, romance. And let's face it... Sacremento isn't exactly Paris.
I flew halfway across the country to visit a friend of mine that I met online when I was in high school, and she lived in New Jersey. lol.
posted by dagnyscott at 6:18 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
I flew halfway across the country to visit a friend of mine that I met online when I was in high school, and she lived in New Jersey. lol.
posted by dagnyscott at 6:18 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Of course you wouldn't be, and you shouldn't feel like an insecure loser for not being, because virtually no one in your shoes would be.
Seconding flabdabbet. I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. Back when my serious relationship was long-distance, I didn't have a problem with similar circumstances.
I'm surprised that there aren't more people speaking in defense of visits by internet friends, given the community nature of this site.
posted by desuetude at 6:45 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding flabdabbet. I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. Back when my serious relationship was long-distance, I didn't have a problem with similar circumstances.
I'm surprised that there aren't more people speaking in defense of visits by internet friends, given the community nature of this site.
posted by desuetude at 6:45 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Anecdata point: my husband is just about the least jealous person I've ever encountered. In the past, both while we were long distance and when we were local, I've been able to do the following: take car trips with male internet friends we'd both only met once, go to meet-ups both alone and with him, go out drinking with friends of both sexes without him, hang out with male friends doing stuff like watching movies and drinking beer without him, hang out with his male friends without him. Clearly, he trusts me, and isn't an insecure, jealous person.
I asked him about this question this morning and he said, "Hell no that's not okay." When I asked why, he replied, "Do I even have to explain it? It should be self-evident. There are some things that just look so bad that any reasonable person would feel uncomfortable with it."
Oh, and we're both also big internet nerds who met on the internet and have friends from the internet.
I would be honest with him about this: tell him that now that you know more about the situation, that you're not entirely comfortable with it, and would like to arrange to visit at the same time, or have visits overlap. This is not an insecure, jealous-person thing to do. It's a rational response to a situation that, in many cases, would be seen as romantic from at least outside observers, if not either your boyfriend, or this girl, or both.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:11 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
I asked him about this question this morning and he said, "Hell no that's not okay." When I asked why, he replied, "Do I even have to explain it? It should be self-evident. There are some things that just look so bad that any reasonable person would feel uncomfortable with it."
Oh, and we're both also big internet nerds who met on the internet and have friends from the internet.
I would be honest with him about this: tell him that now that you know more about the situation, that you're not entirely comfortable with it, and would like to arrange to visit at the same time, or have visits overlap. This is not an insecure, jealous-person thing to do. It's a rational response to a situation that, in many cases, would be seen as romantic from at least outside observers, if not either your boyfriend, or this girl, or both.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:11 AM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
It is fishy for her to be staying with him. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel. I would tell your boyfriend that you're uncomfortable with it.
posted by bunny hugger at 7:13 AM on January 29, 2010
posted by bunny hugger at 7:13 AM on January 29, 2010
follow-up from teh OP
Greg does host a lot of out-of-town guests, some of whom were originally internet friends (a couple of whom were even female). But, in the past, they've always been people I'd heard PLENTY about well in advance of the visit. This is the first time he's told me about a visitor in such a vague way, and on such short notice. It's very out-of-character for him to mention plans in such a cursory manner. I would find this a bit odd even if the friend in question were male.posted by jessamyn at 7:28 AM on January 29, 2010
As to how he acted when I asked more questions... he wasn't evasive or defensive, but he still didn't volunteer any information I didn't press for. Single sentences, not a lot of details.
It's ok for you to feel however you feel about this. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to react. Some people would be ok with this, others wouldn't. You're one of the latter and that's perfectly fine, so just be honest with him.
I think the fact that they've been talking for a few years without having met makes things way more complicated than if they'd met and had been friends for several years. It could be completely, totally platonic on both sides, or it could be that Lindsay has built Greg up in her mind as a potential romantic partner. You have no way to know (and, really, neither does Greg).
I think that, at least for this first time taht they're meeting, it's reasonable for you to ask that she not stay with him. Does Greg have a friend or relative Lindsay could stay with? Could he put her up in a hotel?
Alternatively, could you fly out and stay with him for the time she's there?
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:31 AM on January 29, 2010
I think the fact that they've been talking for a few years without having met makes things way more complicated than if they'd met and had been friends for several years. It could be completely, totally platonic on both sides, or it could be that Lindsay has built Greg up in her mind as a potential romantic partner. You have no way to know (and, really, neither does Greg).
I think that, at least for this first time taht they're meeting, it's reasonable for you to ask that she not stay with him. Does Greg have a friend or relative Lindsay could stay with? Could he put her up in a hotel?
Alternatively, could you fly out and stay with him for the time she's there?
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:31 AM on January 29, 2010
This might have been brought up earlier in the thread and I just missed it, but ...
Lindsay knows you exist, right?
If your boyfriend neglected to mention Lindsay to you, is it possible he neglected to mention you to her? Could she have wildly different expectations about this weekend than he does? If I were in your position, I'd want to make sure (to whatever extent you're able) that all of you were on the same page about it.
posted by Alt F4 at 7:43 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Lindsay knows you exist, right?
If your boyfriend neglected to mention Lindsay to you, is it possible he neglected to mention you to her? Could she have wildly different expectations about this weekend than he does? If I were in your position, I'd want to make sure (to whatever extent you're able) that all of you were on the same page about it.
posted by Alt F4 at 7:43 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm pretty surprised by the responses in this thread, because it seems obvious to me that this is not kosher. Largely because of this: This is the first time he's told me about a visitor in such a vague way, and on such short notice. But not entirely.
Perhaps it's because when I was in the almost identical situation, myself, after I expressed misgivings and my boyfriend really dismissed/shamed me about them, I later found out they'd been flying around having sex with each other for months. So I could be projecting. I tend to think probably not though- because I think guts are usually right. Mine has never been wrong. Has yours?
I think there are several things you can do, some of which have already been mentioned in this thread.
1. Talk to Lindsay. Does your boyfriend resist this idea? Is Lindsay shocked to learn of your existence, hostile to you, or cagey?
2. Talk to your boyfriend. Ask him if he thinks Lindsay could be interested in him, etc. Is he defensive? Does he attack you or try to make you feel stupid?
3. Mention the happy news that you might be able to visit him for those same four days, too. Is he surprised, dismayed, discouraging?
4. Ask him whether you'll still Skype every night, as usual. I wasn't in an LDR with my boyfriend, our equivalent was that we slept over pretty much every night. I asked him if we'd still do that while his female friend was there. His response, "Uhhh she's painfully shy, it would probably be awkward for her to have someone she doesn't know over here that much." See how gung ho your boyfriend is about continuing your usual routine.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:47 AM on January 29, 2010 [4 favorites]
Perhaps it's because when I was in the almost identical situation, myself, after I expressed misgivings and my boyfriend really dismissed/shamed me about them, I later found out they'd been flying around having sex with each other for months. So I could be projecting. I tend to think probably not though- because I think guts are usually right. Mine has never been wrong. Has yours?
I think there are several things you can do, some of which have already been mentioned in this thread.
1. Talk to Lindsay. Does your boyfriend resist this idea? Is Lindsay shocked to learn of your existence, hostile to you, or cagey?
2. Talk to your boyfriend. Ask him if he thinks Lindsay could be interested in him, etc. Is he defensive? Does he attack you or try to make you feel stupid?
3. Mention the happy news that you might be able to visit him for those same four days, too. Is he surprised, dismayed, discouraging?
4. Ask him whether you'll still Skype every night, as usual. I wasn't in an LDR with my boyfriend, our equivalent was that we slept over pretty much every night. I asked him if we'd still do that while his female friend was there. His response, "Uhhh she's painfully shy, it would probably be awkward for her to have someone she doesn't know over here that much." See how gung ho your boyfriend is about continuing your usual routine.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:47 AM on January 29, 2010 [4 favorites]
I can't speak for his (or her) intentions, but I've sort of been in a similar situation, as the Greg. A friend of mine visited me while I was in college. He's from Wales, I live in NJ. We had met before, but he'd just (maybe a month before) started seeing his gf. She was not entirely pleased, but he'd already booked the trip before getting serious with her. Our intentions were entirely pure, we had a great time, and I've been to visit him twice since and she and I now get along quite well.
I just want to say that it IS possible that it's purely platonic, and I know that my friend was hesitant to say too much to his girlfriend because he was worried she'd take it the wrong way. Sometimes intentions are pure but fear of alienating someone make things seem shadier than they really are.
Also, he called her every single day while he was away, and had long conversations with her... even while we were in Central Park! He was sure to keep her in the loop.
(In case it was not clear, I'm female.)
posted by inmediasres at 8:55 AM on January 29, 2010
I just want to say that it IS possible that it's purely platonic, and I know that my friend was hesitant to say too much to his girlfriend because he was worried she'd take it the wrong way. Sometimes intentions are pure but fear of alienating someone make things seem shadier than they really are.
Also, he called her every single day while he was away, and had long conversations with her... even while we were in Central Park! He was sure to keep her in the loop.
(In case it was not clear, I'm female.)
posted by inmediasres at 8:55 AM on January 29, 2010
NOT COOL. That was my gut reaction, at least. And it seems to be yours, as well. Did you know this online buddy even existed before you found out she was coming to stay with your boyfriend? If you didn't, not good. She is someone that is important to him, ergo you should at least be aware of her. Does she know that you exist? How long do they talk? What do they talk about? And the fact that you are halfway across the country and can't meet this girl and observe their interactions makes it even worse, from a is this cool or isn't it standpoint.
But Jedrek is right - if he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat, and if he isn't, then he isn't. There is really nothing you can do about it, and why would you want to stay with someone that would?
Upon preview:
This is the first time he's told me about a visitor in such a vague way, and on such short notice. It's very out-of-character for him to mention plans in such a cursory manner. I would find this a bit odd even if the friend in question were male. As to how he acted when I asked more questions... he wasn't evasive or defensive, but he still didn't volunteer any information I didn't press for. Single sentences, not a lot of details.
NOT COOL. RED FLAG. SOMETHING'S UP. ABORT MISSION.
posted by en el aire at 9:00 AM on January 29, 2010
But Jedrek is right - if he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat, and if he isn't, then he isn't. There is really nothing you can do about it, and why would you want to stay with someone that would?
Upon preview:
This is the first time he's told me about a visitor in such a vague way, and on such short notice. It's very out-of-character for him to mention plans in such a cursory manner. I would find this a bit odd even if the friend in question were male. As to how he acted when I asked more questions... he wasn't evasive or defensive, but he still didn't volunteer any information I didn't press for. Single sentences, not a lot of details.
NOT COOL. RED FLAG. SOMETHING'S UP. ABORT MISSION.
posted by en el aire at 9:00 AM on January 29, 2010
I don't think that Greg is planning to cheat, or anything like that.
If you believe this then that's that.
as desuetude said:
I'm surprised that there aren't more people speaking in defense of visits by internet friends, given the community nature of this site
Count me on the side of this opinion.
However in your post you express doubt; in your follow up you continue to express doubt. Ultimatly this comes down to weather or not you believe what you've said.
I don't think that Greg is planning to cheat
Only you can decide if that's true. And in this situation, given the distance, that's all that matters.
posted by French Fry at 9:28 AM on January 29, 2010
If you believe this then that's that.
as desuetude said:
I'm surprised that there aren't more people speaking in defense of visits by internet friends, given the community nature of this site
Count me on the side of this opinion.
However in your post you express doubt; in your follow up you continue to express doubt. Ultimatly this comes down to weather or not you believe what you've said.
I don't think that Greg is planning to cheat
Only you can decide if that's true. And in this situation, given the distance, that's all that matters.
posted by French Fry at 9:28 AM on January 29, 2010
I think all you can do is tell him, look, now that I know more about the situation, I'm really not comfortable with her staying with you. He did ask you, so he obviously has some interest in knowing how you feel about the situation. So tell him, and go from there.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:00 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:00 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is the first time he's told me about a visitor in such a vague way, and on such short notice. It's very out-of-character for him to mention plans in such a cursory manner. I would find this a bit odd even if the friend in question were male. As to how he acted when I asked more questions... he wasn't evasive or defensive, but he still didn't volunteer any information I didn't press for. Single sentences, not a lot of details.
Perhaps he's a little nonplussed by how she planned her visit as well, and is short on the details because he's now wondering about her intentions and a little embarrassed. "Anytime you're in town you're welcome to crash" isn't the same thing as "if you want to come visit me that'd be keen," but it wouldn't be the first time I've heard of this particular miscommunication.
Or perhaps there are some clearly superficial reasons why even if he were single, he would not be romantically interested in her, but he doesn't want to tell you what they are because he fears that it will make him sound like a jerk or like he's reaching for excuses.
posted by desuetude at 10:08 AM on January 29, 2010
Perhaps he's a little nonplussed by how she planned her visit as well, and is short on the details because he's now wondering about her intentions and a little embarrassed. "Anytime you're in town you're welcome to crash" isn't the same thing as "if you want to come visit me that'd be keen," but it wouldn't be the first time I've heard of this particular miscommunication.
Or perhaps there are some clearly superficial reasons why even if he were single, he would not be romantically interested in her, but he doesn't want to tell you what they are because he fears that it will make him sound like a jerk or like he's reaching for excuses.
posted by desuetude at 10:08 AM on January 29, 2010
I have someone I only know from online who I've offerred my place to if they were travelling in the area. I wouldn't have occurred to me to explain the relationship because there isn't one. When we're bored at work we chat about the 2 topics we have in common and that's it. There's ZERO chemistry. So the OP not having heard about the details before doesn't strike me as suspicious.
If you're really worried, maybe you can have a mutual friend stop by to say hi or drop something off? If I were your guy, I wouldn't mind at all, especially if you explained it was for your peace of mind. Anything that would let me keep you feeling secure AND let me have friends of the opposite sex would something I'd wholeheartedly endorse.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:26 AM on January 29, 2010
If you're really worried, maybe you can have a mutual friend stop by to say hi or drop something off? If I were your guy, I wouldn't mind at all, especially if you explained it was for your peace of mind. Anything that would let me keep you feeling secure AND let me have friends of the opposite sex would something I'd wholeheartedly endorse.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:26 AM on January 29, 2010
Also, Sacramento's not Paris, but people do travel there for business, and a lot of people use it as a jumping off spot for skiing.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:27 AM on January 29, 2010
posted by small_ruminant at 10:27 AM on January 29, 2010
Sac's not the ends of the earth, is all I'm saying. But yeah- a whole visit of just hanging out sort of needs a chaperone just for everyone's peace of mind.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:28 AM on January 29, 2010
posted by small_ruminant at 10:28 AM on January 29, 2010
It just doesn't seem completely appropriate, given that he's in a monogamous long-term relationship.
Are you sure Greg feels that this is the nature of your relationship? I ask because, although you have been "together" for 16 months, as you say it has been mostly long-distance. And though you say you are planning on moving in after graduation, you haven't really said if this was your idea, Greg's idea or something you both mutually decided.
In other words, are you so sure that you are THE girlfriend, or did you just assume you were both exclusive in this relationship?
Because it certainly sounds, from your follow-up, as if Greg is interested in Lindsay in the same way he is in you.
posted by misha at 10:48 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Are you sure Greg feels that this is the nature of your relationship? I ask because, although you have been "together" for 16 months, as you say it has been mostly long-distance. And though you say you are planning on moving in after graduation, you haven't really said if this was your idea, Greg's idea or something you both mutually decided.
In other words, are you so sure that you are THE girlfriend, or did you just assume you were both exclusive in this relationship?
Because it certainly sounds, from your follow-up, as if Greg is interested in Lindsay in the same way he is in you.
posted by misha at 10:48 AM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't be cool with this at all - but of course different people have different relationships, expectations, and histories. If this bothers you, know at least that it would bother some other people too and you're not crazy for the way you're reacting.
I would have asked for more details the very night this was brought up, so that I wouldn't have to go "My previous yes..? It's now a no..." which is always awkward, I understand. Still, if you try to swallow it down and pretend you're still okay with the idea, it could begin to unravel your relationship. People aren't very good, on average, with overcoming suspicion and distrust without directly dealing with it.
Tell him that this is starting to bother you a lot, and that with the details you've dragged out of him, you've changed your mind. Tell him you're surprised that he's not volunteering information without you asking him for it - and that this is making the circumstances different from his previous hosting. You're not comfortable with this, and you'd prefer it if alternate arrangements be made. It's not an unfair request.
(IMO, girlfriend trumps out-of-town female friend he's never before mentioned who is suddenly planning to spend 24/7 with him for several days. Lack of communication builds distrust!)
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:28 AM on January 29, 2010
I would have asked for more details the very night this was brought up, so that I wouldn't have to go "My previous yes..? It's now a no..." which is always awkward, I understand. Still, if you try to swallow it down and pretend you're still okay with the idea, it could begin to unravel your relationship. People aren't very good, on average, with overcoming suspicion and distrust without directly dealing with it.
Tell him that this is starting to bother you a lot, and that with the details you've dragged out of him, you've changed your mind. Tell him you're surprised that he's not volunteering information without you asking him for it - and that this is making the circumstances different from his previous hosting. You're not comfortable with this, and you'd prefer it if alternate arrangements be made. It's not an unfair request.
(IMO, girlfriend trumps out-of-town female friend he's never before mentioned who is suddenly planning to spend 24/7 with him for several days. Lack of communication builds distrust!)
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 11:28 AM on January 29, 2010
In the not cool camp. And a little rebuttal to the people who say "all you can do is trust him"-- I think that is dangerously naive on two levels:
1. STDs.
2. More abstractly, does everyone remember how much it sucks to have your trust absolutely shattered by someone you care about? It's not something you easily move on from. If there are warning signs, and by the follow up from the OP, it seems there clearly are, I think the person in question has a duty to herself to act to find out if she has reason to be suspicious. She should trust her own intuitions, not just blindly trust him.
posted by the foreground at 11:59 AM on January 29, 2010
1. STDs.
2. More abstractly, does everyone remember how much it sucks to have your trust absolutely shattered by someone you care about? It's not something you easily move on from. If there are warning signs, and by the follow up from the OP, it seems there clearly are, I think the person in question has a duty to herself to act to find out if she has reason to be suspicious. She should trust her own intuitions, not just blindly trust him.
posted by the foreground at 11:59 AM on January 29, 2010
Man, I've had oodles of friends I met online stay with me; I have also flown around the world and stayed with people I was meeting IRL for the first time. Female and male. I am of the mindset that if someone is going to cheat, they'll cheat regardless. You can't keep it from happening. All you can do is drive them and yourself crazy with paranoia.
I am really glad my fiance doesn't feel "disrespected" by the idea of me knowing men other than him. But then, he wouldn't be my fiance if he was that insecure.
posted by Windigo at 12:12 PM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am really glad my fiance doesn't feel "disrespected" by the idea of me knowing men other than him. But then, he wouldn't be my fiance if he was that insecure.
posted by Windigo at 12:12 PM on January 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think it's not out of line to ask Greg if you guys can schedule a Skype session while Lindsay is around-- after all, if she's going to become a regular occasional houseguest, you guys should take steps to get acquainted.
The reaction to the concept should tell you more about the deal.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 12:56 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
The reaction to the concept should tell you more about the deal.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 12:56 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
...I think I may have come off a bit harsh in my last post on re-reading it. Uncomfortable is uncomfortable, and while I am not a subscriber to the proximity=temptation schoolbook, I do understand the natural desire to know who this person is. I would certainly ask for a chance to "meet" her - either friend her through Facebook, or Skype with her, or whatever other route would open up lines of communication between you and her.
posted by Windigo at 1:18 PM on January 29, 2010
posted by Windigo at 1:18 PM on January 29, 2010
This seems fishy. He never mentioned her, but they're close enough that she's going to fly across the country for a multi-day visit? He also doesn't seem to be making much effort to make you feel comfortable with it: in addition to just mentioning this friend for the first time, he didn't invite you to come along, he didn't give you much notice about the trip, and he hasn't been entirely upfront about the circumstances. Even if he's never before given you a reason not to trust him, those seem to me to be big red flags. And even if he's acting innocently now, you probably need to have a separate conversation about how to handle things like this in the future.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 4:33 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 4:33 PM on January 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think in this situation you have the right to ask a ton of questions, tell him you're uncomfortable, and ask that he calls you a lot and Skypes with you just as much (if not more!) when she's there, in order to put your mind at ease. This is what a good boyfriend would do if his girlfriend was feeling uncomfortable about a situation (with good reason!). If he gets annoyed or seems uncomfortable about reassuring you a lot, then I wouldn't trust him. Sure, sometimes people need unreasonable amounts of attention and reassurance, but he himself should see how weird this must be for you and should want to try to do whatever he can to make you feel better about it and understand it more, if the visit really is innocent.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:43 PM on January 29, 2010
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:43 PM on January 29, 2010
I just wanted to add that in my situation:
-the other girl knew about me, and, not only didn't care, but as I found out later was even more drawn to my boyfriend because he was taken;
-my boyfriend offered to let me talk to her/meet her when I asked, and was bizarrely interested in that prospect (he made it clear of course that I shouldn't expect to spend *too* much time there while she was over.)
So even if your boyfriend is okay with you talking to Lindsay/making her aware of your existence, that doesn't necessarily mean anything, if he has the sociopathic traits that I think my ex had.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:05 PM on January 29, 2010
-the other girl knew about me, and, not only didn't care, but as I found out later was even more drawn to my boyfriend because he was taken;
-my boyfriend offered to let me talk to her/meet her when I asked, and was bizarrely interested in that prospect (he made it clear of course that I shouldn't expect to spend *too* much time there while she was over.)
So even if your boyfriend is okay with you talking to Lindsay/making her aware of your existence, that doesn't necessarily mean anything, if he has the sociopathic traits that I think my ex had.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:05 PM on January 29, 2010
does everyone remember how much it sucks to have your trust absolutely shattered by someone you care about? It's not something you easily move on from.
Not easy, indeed.
Worth doing, though, when the alternative is a lifetime of fear, mistrust, suspicion, drama and loneliness.
The thing to keep in mind is that the person you dumped when they betrayed your trust was someone else, not your present partner, and that it is not necessary to destroy the relationship in order to save it.
All of the above, of course, only makes sense for relationships built on love. Love and trust go hand in hand. If you're in a relationship with someone you don't love, but merely want, I have no useful advice to offer; I have always chosen not to waste my time that way.
posted by flabdablet at 6:51 PM on January 29, 2010
Not easy, indeed.
Worth doing, though, when the alternative is a lifetime of fear, mistrust, suspicion, drama and loneliness.
The thing to keep in mind is that the person you dumped when they betrayed your trust was someone else, not your present partner, and that it is not necessary to destroy the relationship in order to save it.
All of the above, of course, only makes sense for relationships built on love. Love and trust go hand in hand. If you're in a relationship with someone you don't love, but merely want, I have no useful advice to offer; I have always chosen not to waste my time that way.
posted by flabdablet at 6:51 PM on January 29, 2010
I am a male. I can tell you that if a male values his relationship with a woman he will not put her in situations that make her feel uncomfortable regarding the opposite sex. If you feel the least bit uncomfortable, let him know.
Tell him this: "I am not comfortable with you having another woman in your home. If you value our relationship, please cancel the visit."
If he dismisses you, break up. Better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings.
posted by candasartan at 1:12 PM on February 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell him this: "I am not comfortable with you having another woman in your home. If you value our relationship, please cancel the visit."
If he dismisses you, break up. Better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings.
posted by candasartan at 1:12 PM on February 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
It might make you feel a WHOLE lot better if you tell Greg "look, it's fine, I trust you, of course you can have friends visit, but could you just do me the immense favor of calling me to chat for a few minutes when she's around to establish that your hypothetical LDR girlfriend is a real person?"
posted by desuetude at 10:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [6 favorites]