Dealing with Suicide
January 25, 2005 1:15 PM   Subscribe

Dealing with suicide. No, not me, someone in my family, who is now dearly departed.

Comments, suggestions, advice? Thanks.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)
 
Someone close to me died this way recently. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I can say that I am very sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself, however ridiculous that may sound right now, and accept the help that people will offer you. Here is a book that some have found helpful. I wish I had more to offer.
posted by jennyjenny at 1:47 PM on January 25, 2005


Please accept my condolences for your loss. Perhaps the following two articles may contain some information and comfort: Why People Give Up On Life and Have You Lost a Loved One to Suicide?
posted by spock at 1:53 PM on January 25, 2005


Back when I was in high school I had a brother and sister die (7 months apart). It was a very confusing time and quite difficult to figure out how to cope.

I found that no matter what people had experienced, no one really knew how to react. For myself I found that the best thing is to not be scared to tell people exactly what I needed. Maybe I wanted to be left alone, maybe to talk and get stuff out without any feedback/response, or maybe just to have someone around and that's it. Also found that initially, these things could change minute to minute.

Of course there is the whole thing of finding people to talk to, getting a support system set up, searching for people that have experienced similar things, finding a therapist and/or support group....these can be quite helpful as well. Since this happened within the family, I think it would be wise to talk with them and deal with things together. You may find that others are feeling just the way you are.

Eventually I realized what helped me quite a bit was understanding the "stages of grief" that we go through with this whole mourning stuff. Here's a link that I found with some simple google searching:
http://www.healingheart.net/grief.htm

Things can get really confusing. Odd emotions seem to come up out of no where. I remember many times when I just felt so different and so strange compared to the world around me. These stages may offer some insight as to what's going on. They did for me. And by the way, I found that if I fought any of these stages (sometimes I'd be able to temporarily stop them from happening), it would slow down the healing.

Hang in there.
posted by danuble at 2:01 PM on January 25, 2005


Many crisis centers associated with the American Association of Suicidology provide services for Survivors of Suicide (that refers to the loved ones of people who have completed suicide). Check here for some links and tips for SOS. At the bottom of that page, there's a link to a search function to find an SOS group in your area.
posted by joaquim at 2:34 PM on January 25, 2005


Understand that just as they chose to end their life, you can choose to go on living. Look at your life and accept its current condition, and focus solely on how you can make things better. Do not focus on your yearning to change the past. Acceptance is as inevitable as it currently seems impossible. Stay close to the people who care about you, and let your relative live on in your conversations and memories.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 3:34 PM on January 25, 2005


My father killed himself 2 years ago. Only advice I know is:

1) Expect the people close to person (yourself potentially included) to act irrationally for a period of time, potentially years. This happens anytime there's a sudden loss in a person's life. If it's other people, try to be understanding of behavior that makes no sense to you, or likely to them. If it's you, first of all don't allow yourself to beat yourself up for acting in ways you can't predict or comprehend; it's a spiral that takes a long time to get out of. Next, be aware that you're in an altered state, and try to avoid judgements that could be impacted by that. (Hard to do, I know, at best you can only hope to minimize it.)

2) There are no answers to the questions that come into yours' and everyone else's heads. No matter how confusing or cut-and-dried the situation may appear to be, surrounding it is a never-ending swirl of befuddlement and searching that don't have solutions. You have to accept this.

3) Again regardless whether it's regarding yourself or other people, the days will get better; it's true that time (and only time) will heal wounds like this. But it's not a linear improvement, the only way you'll know things are getting better is you'll have fewer 'bad days' -- Not that today is better than yesterday is better than the day before.

4) Echoing what others have said, hang in there, and stick close to the people who care about you. The silver lining, if there could be said to be one, is the thickening of bonds between people that results from the pain and difficulty. Even people who don't have any experience with significant loss can be a huge help by their presence alone.
posted by wolftrouble at 3:56 PM on January 25, 2005


I posted in the Blue a while back about a former roommate of mine committing suicide right in our apartment. A couple of thoughts:

1) No matter how close or distant you were, whatever happened the last time you two talked, it's not your fault. I know it can sound like a trite and obvious thing to say, but in retrospect, it helped to hear it aloud from a friend of mine. Don't waste time going down the finger pointing or "what if" route. Ultimately, it wasn't your decision to make.

2) Don't just carry on and pretend like nothing has happened at all. Instead, let things out and see if you can find some time to do something that's personally meaningful--go for a trip, paint a painting, volunteer in your community, whatever it is that you do to unwind (especially if it involves making something and/or helping other people). I memorize poems as a hobby, and with my roommate's suicide I set aside some time to commit Auden's Musee des Beaux Arts to memory. It helped me to put some perspective on things.

3) Many people suggested counselling to me, just because it's helpful to talk to someone about it. I have a healthy (read as: paranoid) skepticism toward the mental health establishment and thus I passed on that advice, but nevertheless it's something you might consider.

4) I have to echo what jennyjenny said: take care of yourself. Because no matter what happens with others, life is still passing each one of us by, every moment.
posted by DaShiv at 5:05 PM on January 25, 2005


Don't be ashamed of being angry at the dearly deceased. And find people who know how to support you.
posted by availablelight at 5:34 PM on January 25, 2005


Short version, from experience:

Everyone grieves and feels sorry for the suicide victim and wishes (and wonders, irrationally!) what could have been done, but it's really the devastating impact on the survivors that needs most desperately to be addressed.

The suicide victim has relieved himself of the pain he was in; but the pain and emotional confusion of the experience can impact the survivors literally for generations.

Long version (worth, I think, reading as well):

My grandfather died this way when I was five. I still don't have much advice to give, except that EVERYONE in the immediate vicinity of a suicide feels irrational self-blame.

All the people close to the victim should seek counselling immediately, maybe as a group, and talk out the guilt and blame and other emotions they feel. Putting it off buries wounds that never really heal, and it gets tougher and tougher to dig out old feelings and deal with them later.

Children, also, should not be "protected" from the situation. They need to know that something tragic happened and that the adults will be depressed and grieving for some time, and that this is natural and will pass, and that the new drastic change in the emotional environment is not the child's fault. Kids relate everything to themselves and feel an odd "connection" with their environment.

It's better for an adult to hug a child and cry and share the grieving than it is for the adult to withdraw for fear of scaring or harming the child with the reality of the tragedy and the grief that follows.

Some of my granDfather's children became alcoholics when he died and, over thirty years later, are still alcoholics. I see a counsellor occasionally (and think probably everyone should), and only recently some of the feelings of fear and concern I had as a child for my Mom and Grandmother have resurfaced, allowing me to deal with them. I'm not saying I'm a basketcase, but the point is that, even though I was just the grandchild of a suicide, the experience provoked emotions in me that needed sorting.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.
posted by Shane at 7:10 AM on January 26, 2005


My uncle committed suicide last spring. I think one of the key things for my dad (his brother) has been to let himself be angry -- after all, my uncle murdered my uncle, and my dad's upset about that, and rightly so. He said that it's hard especially since the person you're upset with is the person that you're grieving and missing, and you can't have them back and you can't punish them. There is never any justice and there are usually plenty of theories but no solid answers as to why.

I think what's helping us get through it is being open and talking about it and giving ourselves space to be angry, sad, confused, furious, frustrated, and to miss him and remember the good times along with the bad. Counselling is good too, my family had an opportunity to see a counsellor together, and they said it was nice to talk to someone who understood what they were going through and assure them that everything they were feeling was normal.

It's hard. It gets better, it becomes less overwhelming, but it'll always be there.
posted by heatherann at 1:04 PM on January 26, 2005 [3 favorites]


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