FB FU
January 22, 2010 1:13 AM Subscribe
i was defriended on facebook by a guy i'm seeing. is this not as weird as i thinks it is?
last spring, i became facebook friends with a guy with whom i went to high school. although i knew who he was in high school, we didn't actually really know each other back then. occasionally, he'd leave flirtatious comments on my facebook but i never thought much of them (or him) because i was living my life, you know, in the real world. but about a month ago, i think probably out of boredom, i left a comment on his facebook and then for a week following, our interactions were fast, furious, and flirtatious on facebook. i noticed that he also was flirtatious with a couple of other girls on FB that he'd known in high school as well so i didn't think much of it. however, i happened to also be going back to my hometown (where he still lived) for a few weeks for the holidays so we agreed to meet up with some other high school friends who lived in town. we ended up really hitting it off.
so we'd go out and the date would always be fantastic, but then i'd get an email in the day or two following detailing all of his baggage, wondering why i was interested in him, reiterating he wasn't interested in a relationship, etc etc blah blah blah—basically freaking out. but then we'd ended up talking and he'd be normal and fine again. this pattern culminated in the facebook defriending.
WTH? okay, i mean, i know it's just facebook for petessakes but i think this is just…weird. i mean, after our first date, at his request, we stopped leaving flirtatious comments on each other's facebook pages but one girl he'd been flirting with (who he'd gone out with when she was back in town for the holidays, before he'd met me) is still leaving very flirty messages (which i don't really have a problem with as i'm not a jealous person). i normally never friend someone on FB that i am dating or sleeping with but then, i have never met someone from FB that i subsequently started dating either (i don't use FB as a tool for trolling for dates).
i found it bothersome enough to email him to let him know that it made me feel excluded and as tho he was hiding something from me or hiding me. his response was cryptic, the gist of it being that it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer. hunh?? am i making a much, much bigger deal of this than i should be? is this not as weird as i (and all of my friends) think this is? he's promised to get back to me about it but he hasn't yet.
some information that may or may not be a factor (and yes, i know a lot of this includes major red-flag type baggage—but those are things i am fully aware of and this is not a discussion about whether i should be involved with someone so addled—i really enjoy him immensely but because of his baggage, i seriously can't see anything beyond the moment, certainly not a viable long-term relationship without some serious thought…which isn't going to happen any time soon):
• he's been separated from his wife for almost three years and their divorce is just now finalizing. he and his wife have a very amicable relationship. in fact, they still technically live in the same house because they have four children and want to remain very involved with them. she has a boyfriend and essentially leaves the house after the kids are in bed and returns in the morning before they are up. neither of them see the situation changing. i also suspect there's a practical side to this arrangement in that the town they live in has quite a high standard of living and although his career would mean that he'd live incredibly well in most places in this country, it means he lives merely well in this town.
• they are ex-mormons so he grew up in a very conservative and judgmental environment and he still worries a lot about what ppl think of him. his family is on his FB as well but he sets filters on them. they didn't even inform their family of their separation until very recently, when the divorce was imminent. he also works for his father and often sees clients around town.
• after nearly 15 years of marriage he has stated he has no intention of getting into a serious relationship anytime in the foreseeable future. he expects never to marry again altho he has not ruled out a committed relationship somewhere down the line. he worries that, bc i am single and never married, and do have a desire to marry someday, that this will become a problem. he has stated that he would actually just prefer to have a casual sexual relationship with someone around town, but he hasn't met anyone with whom he's connected with so well until he met me. he claims not to be very good with women, but that's not been my experience of him. he's very personable and attractive and i think there are probably quite a few women who would love to date him. he's talked about just wanting to live his 20s now bc he never got to but he's also admitted that he's not currently seeing anyone other than me. however he is also very boyfriendy, texting/chatting/emailing/calling me several times a day. we have even made plans to come up and visit me in a few weeks. it's obvious that, despite himself, he really likes me a lot and doesn't know quite what to do about it.
• he admits to being an overthinker. i think i have met my overthinking match. i think the reason i haven't overthought this relationship (aside from this facebook question), is because he's done enough for the both of us.
jesus, sorry this got so long…!
last spring, i became facebook friends with a guy with whom i went to high school. although i knew who he was in high school, we didn't actually really know each other back then. occasionally, he'd leave flirtatious comments on my facebook but i never thought much of them (or him) because i was living my life, you know, in the real world. but about a month ago, i think probably out of boredom, i left a comment on his facebook and then for a week following, our interactions were fast, furious, and flirtatious on facebook. i noticed that he also was flirtatious with a couple of other girls on FB that he'd known in high school as well so i didn't think much of it. however, i happened to also be going back to my hometown (where he still lived) for a few weeks for the holidays so we agreed to meet up with some other high school friends who lived in town. we ended up really hitting it off.
so we'd go out and the date would always be fantastic, but then i'd get an email in the day or two following detailing all of his baggage, wondering why i was interested in him, reiterating he wasn't interested in a relationship, etc etc blah blah blah—basically freaking out. but then we'd ended up talking and he'd be normal and fine again. this pattern culminated in the facebook defriending.
WTH? okay, i mean, i know it's just facebook for petessakes but i think this is just…weird. i mean, after our first date, at his request, we stopped leaving flirtatious comments on each other's facebook pages but one girl he'd been flirting with (who he'd gone out with when she was back in town for the holidays, before he'd met me) is still leaving very flirty messages (which i don't really have a problem with as i'm not a jealous person). i normally never friend someone on FB that i am dating or sleeping with but then, i have never met someone from FB that i subsequently started dating either (i don't use FB as a tool for trolling for dates).
i found it bothersome enough to email him to let him know that it made me feel excluded and as tho he was hiding something from me or hiding me. his response was cryptic, the gist of it being that it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer. hunh?? am i making a much, much bigger deal of this than i should be? is this not as weird as i (and all of my friends) think this is? he's promised to get back to me about it but he hasn't yet.
some information that may or may not be a factor (and yes, i know a lot of this includes major red-flag type baggage—but those are things i am fully aware of and this is not a discussion about whether i should be involved with someone so addled—i really enjoy him immensely but because of his baggage, i seriously can't see anything beyond the moment, certainly not a viable long-term relationship without some serious thought…which isn't going to happen any time soon):
• he's been separated from his wife for almost three years and their divorce is just now finalizing. he and his wife have a very amicable relationship. in fact, they still technically live in the same house because they have four children and want to remain very involved with them. she has a boyfriend and essentially leaves the house after the kids are in bed and returns in the morning before they are up. neither of them see the situation changing. i also suspect there's a practical side to this arrangement in that the town they live in has quite a high standard of living and although his career would mean that he'd live incredibly well in most places in this country, it means he lives merely well in this town.
• they are ex-mormons so he grew up in a very conservative and judgmental environment and he still worries a lot about what ppl think of him. his family is on his FB as well but he sets filters on them. they didn't even inform their family of their separation until very recently, when the divorce was imminent. he also works for his father and often sees clients around town.
• after nearly 15 years of marriage he has stated he has no intention of getting into a serious relationship anytime in the foreseeable future. he expects never to marry again altho he has not ruled out a committed relationship somewhere down the line. he worries that, bc i am single and never married, and do have a desire to marry someday, that this will become a problem. he has stated that he would actually just prefer to have a casual sexual relationship with someone around town, but he hasn't met anyone with whom he's connected with so well until he met me. he claims not to be very good with women, but that's not been my experience of him. he's very personable and attractive and i think there are probably quite a few women who would love to date him. he's talked about just wanting to live his 20s now bc he never got to but he's also admitted that he's not currently seeing anyone other than me. however he is also very boyfriendy, texting/chatting/emailing/calling me several times a day. we have even made plans to come up and visit me in a few weeks. it's obvious that, despite himself, he really likes me a lot and doesn't know quite what to do about it.
• he admits to being an overthinker. i think i have met my overthinking match. i think the reason i haven't overthought this relationship (aside from this facebook question), is because he's done enough for the both of us.
jesus, sorry this got so long…!
It's weird, but he's already given you his answer - sort of - and that's probably as much of one as you're going to get. I'd chalk it up as a loss and move on.
posted by Xany at 1:50 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Xany at 1:50 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Cowardly dumping through the ages:
1900 - send a letter
1950 - make a telephone call
2000 - send a text
2010 - defriend on Facebook
Seriously, my guess is he's defriended you because he wants to keep it private from you that he's exploring other romantic options through Facebook. What you likely don't want to know is that he's flirting with people who aren't you.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:55 AM on January 22, 2010 [31 favorites]
1900 - send a letter
1950 - make a telephone call
2000 - send a text
2010 - defriend on Facebook
Seriously, my guess is he's defriended you because he wants to keep it private from you that he's exploring other romantic options through Facebook. What you likely don't want to know is that he's flirting with people who aren't you.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:55 AM on January 22, 2010 [31 favorites]
Response by poster: Muffinman, I already know he's flirty with ppl on FB. I don't have a problem with it and he knows that. That's partly why I thought it was so weird. And he didn't dump me; as I said before, I'm actually the only woman he's seeing, as it were.
posted by violetk at 2:05 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by violetk at 2:05 AM on January 22, 2010
they still technically live in the same house
Fixed that for you.
Yes, you *are* making a much bigger deal of this than you should be... because this guy is Drama With a Capital D. Put simply, you will flirt and spark with other people who do not do weird shit like this. Now go find 'em!
posted by Cuppatea at 2:18 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
Fixed that for you.
Yes, you *are* making a much bigger deal of this than you should be... because this guy is Drama With a Capital D. Put simply, you will flirt and spark with other people who do not do weird shit like this. Now go find 'em!
posted by Cuppatea at 2:18 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
Unfriending someone on Facebook isn't weird. What might be weird is why they took that action.
Ask the guy why he did it. Then you'll get your answer, and be able to progress from there. If he doesn't give you an answer, you still kind of get one.
This relationship would appear to be over (which sounds to me like a good thing for you). Is that what you're asking us?
posted by Solomon at 2:47 AM on January 22, 2010
Ask the guy why he did it. Then you'll get your answer, and be able to progress from there. If he doesn't give you an answer, you still kind of get one.
This relationship would appear to be over (which sounds to me like a good thing for you). Is that what you're asking us?
posted by Solomon at 2:47 AM on January 22, 2010
he is hiding something from me and hiding me.
Not only do you know why he did it, but you probably know what he is hiding. Yeah it is weird.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 2:48 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
Not only do you know why he did it, but you probably know what he is hiding. Yeah it is weird.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 2:48 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
this is not a discussion about whether i should be involved with someone so addled
But, you're not genuinely "involved" with him. He lives with a woman, he flirts with many others, he just took up using^H^H^H^H^Hseeing you recently, he's stated that he has no intention of getting into a serious relationship and that he wants local casual sex, and you are not even Facebook friends.
posted by kmennie at 3:19 AM on January 22, 2010 [29 favorites]
But, you're not genuinely "involved" with him. He lives with a woman, he flirts with many others, he just took up using^H^H^H^H^Hseeing you recently, he's stated that he has no intention of getting into a serious relationship and that he wants local casual sex, and you are not even Facebook friends.
posted by kmennie at 3:19 AM on January 22, 2010 [29 favorites]
As a recovering chronic relationship overthinker myself, I feel for you. Your list of analysis of his baggage and justification of his resulting behaviors is very much the sort of thing I used to spend a lot of time putting together myself. But the fact of the matter is this: he has a ton of issues, and those are his problems. Combined with what chemistry you shared, they may seem like an exciting project to tackle, but dating should not be a project, if you are looking to be happy. Instead, focus on how he is making you feel. Excited, sure...but one can also read that as agitated. What I'm hearing is that he makes you uneasy, and that despite telling yourself you can trust him, you don't. And really, you want someone who is available to you...defriending you on Facebook is a clear sign he is not. Do yourself a favor and let this go, so you can free yourself up for someone worth the energy, who you can be happy with now, not five years from now when he theoretically gets his shit together.
posted by dawnoftheread at 4:04 AM on January 22, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by dawnoftheread at 4:04 AM on January 22, 2010 [4 favorites]
I've defriended people for spamming me with app, event or group invitations; for making posts on my wall that I didn't like, and for tagging me in unflattering photos.
So if you've done any of those things, that might explain it.
posted by Mike1024 at 4:16 AM on January 22, 2010
So if you've done any of those things, that might explain it.
posted by Mike1024 at 4:16 AM on January 22, 2010
I'm not sure I understand what your question is. However, I agree with Cuppatea. This guy is total drama and your continued involvement with him will likely require your continued participation in his silly games. If that's what you want, then fine, but don't be under any illusions.
posted by Lleyam at 4:20 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by Lleyam at 4:20 AM on January 22, 2010
So a guy who lives with another woman and flirts with several women blocks you (and only you) from his Facebook? I don't see the problem here at all.
Sometimes when you want to avoid the drama, you don't go the the theater.
He is the theater.
posted by inturnaround at 4:42 AM on January 22, 2010 [37 favorites]
Sometimes when you want to avoid the drama, you don't go the the theater.
He is the theater.
posted by inturnaround at 4:42 AM on January 22, 2010 [37 favorites]
I think you already know what's going on here---you emailed him to say you felt excluded, like he was trying to hide something from you or hide you. Probably both. I agree with the comments above; this is way more drama than anyone needs.
posted by violette at 4:47 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by violette at 4:47 AM on January 22, 2010
I'm actually the only woman he's seeing, as it were.
You may be the only woman he is seeing, or not. There might be other women he wants to be seeing and he is too cowardly to tell you directly. In fact, that is what I would suspect and I'd dump him so fast his head would spin. Because even if he ISN'T seeing another woman, this guy doesn't treat people the way that they should be treated. Period.
Think about it. What behavior are you looking to change? You can't change the way he treats you. Do you want to "catch" him at something and shame him about being such a jerk? You might end up catching him at something shifty if you pursue this hard enough, but at great expense to your sanity and reputation. You'll catch him, and he'll say, "She was so crazy about this she drove me to see someone else!"
Best thing is to cut ties completely and move on.
posted by jeanmari at 4:53 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
You may be the only woman he is seeing, or not. There might be other women he wants to be seeing and he is too cowardly to tell you directly. In fact, that is what I would suspect and I'd dump him so fast his head would spin. Because even if he ISN'T seeing another woman, this guy doesn't treat people the way that they should be treated. Period.
Think about it. What behavior are you looking to change? You can't change the way he treats you. Do you want to "catch" him at something and shame him about being such a jerk? You might end up catching him at something shifty if you pursue this hard enough, but at great expense to your sanity and reputation. You'll catch him, and he'll say, "She was so crazy about this she drove me to see someone else!"
Best thing is to cut ties completely and move on.
posted by jeanmari at 4:53 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
he's talked about just wanting to live his 20s now bc he never got to
what if he was dating multiple women, as some men do when they're in their twenties and not certain about settling down?
from my experience men who are in this stage don't tell the women they're dating about the others. but if there are multiple 'dates' (and a mormon family that may not approve) and one such date becomes too flirtatious in a public forum like facebook, they might just delete her.
maybe don't believe everything you are told. it's a shit lesson, but:
he's admitted that he's not currently seeing anyone other than me.
isn't always true.
posted by skauskas at 5:11 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
what if he was dating multiple women, as some men do when they're in their twenties and not certain about settling down?
from my experience men who are in this stage don't tell the women they're dating about the others. but if there are multiple 'dates' (and a mormon family that may not approve) and one such date becomes too flirtatious in a public forum like facebook, they might just delete her.
maybe don't believe everything you are told. it's a shit lesson, but:
he's admitted that he's not currently seeing anyone other than me.
isn't always true.
posted by skauskas at 5:11 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's partly why I thought it was so weird. And he didn't dump me; as I said before, I'm actually the only woman he's seeing, as it were.
Bzzt. Sorry. Wrong. In fact, I bet you five bucks that you're wrong. I'll even give you odds.
I mean, really, what else do you think the stuff he's hiding from you that he thinks you don't want to hear could possibly be?
Totally seeing other people. Cut your losses and ditch the dude.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:28 AM on January 22, 2010 [10 favorites]
Bzzt. Sorry. Wrong. In fact, I bet you five bucks that you're wrong. I'll even give you odds.
I mean, really, what else do you think the stuff he's hiding from you that he thinks you don't want to hear could possibly be?
Totally seeing other people. Cut your losses and ditch the dude.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:28 AM on January 22, 2010 [10 favorites]
Sorry if this seems harsh, and sorry for the stalking, but given that 9 of your previous 20ish questions have been relationshipfilter, you might want to think about why you keep getting into these situations.
posted by desjardins at 5:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 5:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [9 favorites]
It sounds to me like this guy is emotionally unavailable, and you want more from this relationship than you're willing to admit.
posted by cottonswab at 5:40 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by cottonswab at 5:40 AM on January 22, 2010
he's talked about just wanting to live his 20s now bc he never got to
Look, all things Facebook aside... run the hell away for your own good, okay?
posted by rokusan at 5:45 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Look, all things Facebook aside... run the hell away for your own good, okay?
posted by rokusan at 5:45 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
It means he doesn't want to see you anymore, sorry.
posted by autoclavicle at 5:56 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by autoclavicle at 5:56 AM on January 22, 2010
after nearly 15 years of marriage he has stated he has no intention of getting into a serious relationship anytime in the foreseeable future. he expects never to marry again altho he has not ruled out a committed relationship somewhere down the line.I really feel for you. It may sound flip, but it's become a really good rule of thumb.
he has stated that he would actually just prefer to have a casual sexual relationship with someone around town, but he hasn't met anyone with whom he's connected with so well until he met me.
When someone tells you something about themselves (over and over), believe them.
He's just finalized his divorce, still lives with his ex-, has kids, flirts heavily with other women, and has de-friended you on FB.
These are red lights and klaxons warning you that you're trying to have a relationship with someone who simply isn't emotionally available or able to give what you need. You're a convenience to him.
And you deserve better.
posted by canine epigram at 6:05 AM on January 22, 2010 [13 favorites]
This guy is bad news and you are in denial. And giving everything that he's shown about himself, why do you continue to put up with this? You need to seriously take a look at yourself and ask why you don't respect yourself enough to not put yourself through this.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:09 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:09 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
It sounds like he's closer with some other girl, and when she saw that he was flirty with you on Facebook, said that wasn't cool and to defriend you. Other even crazier explanations are possible, but the bottom line is: boy is crazy. I know it's weird and thus the fixation on it right now, but trying to get into the head of a crazy person to untangle their motivations is only gonna make you crazy, too.
posted by Nattie at 6:13 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Nattie at 6:13 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dear AskMe,
I'd like to hook up with women I knew from high school with minimal hassle and without my wife finding out. How would I go about this?
posted by electroboy at 6:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [6 favorites]
I'd like to hook up with women I knew from high school with minimal hassle and without my wife finding out. How would I go about this?
posted by electroboy at 6:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [6 favorites]
I'd like to hook up with women I knew from high school with minimal hassle and without my wife finding out. How would I go about this?
Previously
posted by electroboy at 6:39 AM on January 22, 2010
Previously
posted by electroboy at 6:39 AM on January 22, 2010
he's talked about just wanting to live his 20s now bc he never got to
et voila! This is how he's rolling right now. Living at home with 'mum', chasing hot gals from school on the crazy internets and monosyllabically responding to any hassling questions from adults.
Carry on your way I reckon.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:50 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
et voila! This is how he's rolling right now. Living at home with 'mum', chasing hot gals from school on the crazy internets and monosyllabically responding to any hassling questions from adults.
Carry on your way I reckon.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:50 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, but there is not one thing about this that doesn't ring my asshole alarms.
If what you are looking for is a confusing sexual relationship completely on someone else's terms I think you've found it. If you are looking for anything else at all I advise you to keep looking.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:01 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
If what you are looking for is a confusing sexual relationship completely on someone else's terms I think you've found it. If you are looking for anything else at all I advise you to keep looking.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:01 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
So his separation isn't physical, but legal. Or at least that's what he told you. I assume you know the divorce is finalizing because that's what he told you. Like he told you that he isn't seeing anyone else. All of these things could be true but they are also common things that people lie about when they want to have sexual relationships outside of their marriage. I'm not saying this is what he's doing, but if you're looking for reasons why he may have defriended you, this is one. Maybe he's still flirting with others on Facebook because they haven't gotten together and he's not afraid of what they might say on his wall.
Think about it. He's made it perfectly clear that he's not interested in anything remotely serious but is acting like a boyfriend, texting, emailing and planning dates. Could it be that he's just a married man having fun on the side and doesn't want to get caught via Facebook?
In fact, his answer to your question of why he defriended you "it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer" sounds an awful lot to me like "I'm sorry, but I'm really just a married guy and I don't know how to come clean about that."
If you want a casual sexual relationship, it seems clear that he's an option. But you should have no illusions that there are any serious prospects here. He's told you that himself. If it's just about the sex then Facebook doesn't really matter.
But I agree with the others. You deserve better.
posted by contrariwise at 7:03 AM on January 22, 2010 [4 favorites]
Think about it. He's made it perfectly clear that he's not interested in anything remotely serious but is acting like a boyfriend, texting, emailing and planning dates. Could it be that he's just a married man having fun on the side and doesn't want to get caught via Facebook?
In fact, his answer to your question of why he defriended you "it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer" sounds an awful lot to me like "I'm sorry, but I'm really just a married guy and I don't know how to come clean about that."
If you want a casual sexual relationship, it seems clear that he's an option. But you should have no illusions that there are any serious prospects here. He's told you that himself. If it's just about the sex then Facebook doesn't really matter.
But I agree with the others. You deserve better.
posted by contrariwise at 7:03 AM on January 22, 2010 [4 favorites]
his response was cryptic, the gist of it being that it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer.
Even if you can get behind the idea of dating someone who still lives with his ex-wife and their kids, states he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, and refers to "living his 20s" as if the the choices he's made in his young adult life (the wife, the kids) weren't the stuff of "living"--even if that doesn't seem crazy to you, the above should sound too stupid to accept.
Some questions should have simple answers. "Why'd you de-friend me on Facebook?" is one of them. "I didn't want our dating relationship to get in the way of my Facebook flirting" OR "People who know I'm still married saw your comments and I was embarrassed" OR whatever it was--it probably wasn't a positive, happy reason that will make you feel good, but it will be a simple reason.
This guy is using his "oh boo hoo I have baggage and I'm an overthinker" excuses to manipulate you into not questioning his stupid, disrespectful, and immature behavior.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:08 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Even if you can get behind the idea of dating someone who still lives with his ex-wife and their kids, states he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, and refers to "living his 20s" as if the the choices he's made in his young adult life (the wife, the kids) weren't the stuff of "living"--even if that doesn't seem crazy to you, the above should sound too stupid to accept.
Some questions should have simple answers. "Why'd you de-friend me on Facebook?" is one of them. "I didn't want our dating relationship to get in the way of my Facebook flirting" OR "People who know I'm still married saw your comments and I was embarrassed" OR whatever it was--it probably wasn't a positive, happy reason that will make you feel good, but it will be a simple reason.
This guy is using his "oh boo hoo I have baggage and I'm an overthinker" excuses to manipulate you into not questioning his stupid, disrespectful, and immature behavior.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:08 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
it's obvious that, despite himself, he (1) really likes me a lot and (2) doesn't know quite what to do about it.
(1) No he doesn't and
(2) yes he does. He is using you and hiding his Facebook activities allows his to keep up the facade that keeps you coming back for more.
posted by bigwoopdeedoo at 7:30 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
(1) No he doesn't and
(2) yes he does. He is using you and hiding his Facebook activities allows his to keep up the facade that keeps you coming back for more.
posted by bigwoopdeedoo at 7:30 AM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Imagine yourself in a glass case. Outside the case is a hammer, and on the other side of the glass, it says "break in case of nookie emergency."
This is how this man sees you. His actions are intended merely to keep you in the case as long as possible while he searches for other options.
posted by Pufferish at 7:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
This is how this man sees you. His actions are intended merely to keep you in the case as long as possible while he searches for other options.
posted by Pufferish at 7:39 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
The solution is simple. Block him from your FB and don't do stuff with guys who flirt with other girls.
posted by anniecat at 7:40 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 7:40 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
What canine epigram said, with one additional point:
posted by nicepersonality at 8:03 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
i'd get an email in the day or two following detailing all of his baggage, wondering why i was interested in him, reiterating he wasn't interested in a relationship, etc etc blah blah blahWhen someone tells you specifically that it's not a good idea to date them, believe them double.
posted by nicepersonality at 8:03 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
You may think you are dating this man, but you're really not. Wait, no, you're dating him, but he's not dating you. That's it. He's messing with you and you're allowing it to happen. Don't.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:04 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:04 AM on January 22, 2010
Best answer: but then i'd get an email in the day or two following detailing all of his baggage, wondering why i was interested in him, reiterating he wasn't interested in a relationship, etc etc blah blah blah—basically freaking out. but then we'd ended up talking and he'd be normal and fine again. this pattern culminated in the facebook defriending.
i found it bothersome enough to email him to let him know that it made me feel excluded and as tho he was hiding something from me or hiding me. his response was cryptic, the gist of it being that it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer.
Man, he sucks at this.
If he merely didn't want to limit his options or embarrass himself, he could flirt with other women and you to his heart's content via FB message and in more oblique wall posts. You're okay with this not being an exclusive relationship, so he's not "cheating" on you if he sleeps with other women. He still gets companionship and co-parenting with his ex-wife. This dude is in a position to totally eat his cake and have it too, and instead...what is he doing?
Instead, he's making up elaborate dramatic reasons why he has to make this all VERY VERY complicated with mysterious reasons that you wouldn't like because he's DARK, man, there's BAGGAGE IN HIS SOUL and yadda yadda jesus get over yourself, dude.
Enjoy his company if you want and it's not harming you emotionally, but don't invest any real heart into this guy, because he's not acting like he's in his 20s, he's regressed to being a teenager.
posted by desuetude at 9:13 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
i found it bothersome enough to email him to let him know that it made me feel excluded and as tho he was hiding something from me or hiding me. his response was cryptic, the gist of it being that it was not an easy question for him to answer, and the more he thought about it, the more he didn't think i'd like the answer.
Man, he sucks at this.
If he merely didn't want to limit his options or embarrass himself, he could flirt with other women and you to his heart's content via FB message and in more oblique wall posts. You're okay with this not being an exclusive relationship, so he's not "cheating" on you if he sleeps with other women. He still gets companionship and co-parenting with his ex-wife. This dude is in a position to totally eat his cake and have it too, and instead...what is he doing?
Instead, he's making up elaborate dramatic reasons why he has to make this all VERY VERY complicated with mysterious reasons that you wouldn't like because he's DARK, man, there's BAGGAGE IN HIS SOUL and yadda yadda jesus get over yourself, dude.
Enjoy his company if you want and it's not harming you emotionally, but don't invest any real heart into this guy, because he's not acting like he's in his 20s, he's regressed to being a teenager.
posted by desuetude at 9:13 AM on January 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
Oh, re-reading I realize that I'm not sure you feel about this relationship being non-exclusive, so disregard that part if it doesn't apply.
posted by desuetude at 9:14 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by desuetude at 9:14 AM on January 22, 2010
He sounds like a not-very-nice or kind-of-screwed-up person. Unless you like complication, drama and unpleasantness, I'd move on. I suspect you deserve better treatment than this.
posted by theora55 at 9:40 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by theora55 at 9:40 AM on January 22, 2010
Am i making a much, much bigger deal of this than i should be?
Yes. You should be rolling your eyes, saying "whatever, dude," and forgetting that he exists.
posted by bingo at 9:54 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes. You should be rolling your eyes, saying "whatever, dude," and forgetting that he exists.
posted by bingo at 9:54 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: it's obvious that, despite himself, he (1) really likes me a lot and (2) doesn't know quite what to do about it.
Then you're better off letting him go until he does know what to do about it. I'm assuming that if he finally decides what to do about it, he knows how to reach you. Until then, let him figure it out and go do your own thing.
And if he takes too long, that's his loss.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:40 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Then you're better off letting him go until he does know what to do about it. I'm assuming that if he finally decides what to do about it, he knows how to reach you. Until then, let him figure it out and go do your own thing.
And if he takes too long, that's his loss.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:40 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not usually this blunt, but here goes: This guy is a weirdo. If he was someone who you could actually think you could have a future with, that'd be one thing, but this dude is a flake and a weirdo, so stop seeing him.
posted by ishotjr at 10:54 AM on January 22, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 10:54 AM on January 22, 2010
Even if you take this at its best, that he just wants some space and privacy and not to share everything, it's still lame enough to walk away from this. When Facebook is too close, you can't really be far enough apart.
posted by xammerboy at 11:13 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 11:13 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, with the exception of a couple of minor details you are basically living my life from a year ago. Just like you, I was "dating" a guy who was a giant walking pile of fucked up (freshly out of a long-term committed relationship that resulted in children, expressed a huge interest in "being a manwhore" since he hadn't gotten to live it up in his 20's, sent huuuuuuge mixed signals, et cetera). He did the exact same things you talk about here -- we'd spend some time together, it'd go super awesomely well and he'd be all couple-y and schmoopy at me, and then a day or so later he'd freak out on me via email about how he couldn't give me what I wanted because he's sooooo broken and fucked up, and he just wants to be play the field and sleep with all kinds of hot girls because he never got to as a younger man.
it's obvious that, despite himself, he (1) really likes me a lot and (2) doesn't know quite what to do about it.
Yeah, you know what? That's exactly what I thought, too. Except that while I was at home pining away for this guy and poring over every single email, text, or voicemail message looking for the subtext that would prove me right, that he was falling for me and scared of his ever-so-deep feelings for me, he was out banging like 5 other girls.
Take it from me, future you: Get out now. He is not interested in you. If he were truly interested in pursuing any kind of romantic relationship with you, he sure as hell would not be defriending you on a social networking site and telling you you probably won't like the explanation when you ask him what's up. I mean, come on. Stop for just a minute and reread what you've posted here. Now pretend it's not your situation, it's your best friend's situation, or your sister's, or whatever. Would you be encouraging them to let themselves be treated so cheaply?
posted by palomar at 11:31 AM on January 22, 2010 [15 favorites]
it's obvious that, despite himself, he (1) really likes me a lot and (2) doesn't know quite what to do about it.
Yeah, you know what? That's exactly what I thought, too. Except that while I was at home pining away for this guy and poring over every single email, text, or voicemail message looking for the subtext that would prove me right, that he was falling for me and scared of his ever-so-deep feelings for me, he was out banging like 5 other girls.
Take it from me, future you: Get out now. He is not interested in you. If he were truly interested in pursuing any kind of romantic relationship with you, he sure as hell would not be defriending you on a social networking site and telling you you probably won't like the explanation when you ask him what's up. I mean, come on. Stop for just a minute and reread what you've posted here. Now pretend it's not your situation, it's your best friend's situation, or your sister's, or whatever. Would you be encouraging them to let themselves be treated so cheaply?
posted by palomar at 11:31 AM on January 22, 2010 [15 favorites]
I would favorite Cuppatea and psycho-alchemy thirty times each if I could. They nailed it. Especially this: "Not only do you know why he did it, but you probably know what he is hiding." I bet you do and I bet you're right.
You deserve better.
Move on.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:52 AM on January 22, 2010
You deserve better.
Move on.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:52 AM on January 22, 2010
The problem is you think you are 'seeing' each other, as though this brings with it some sort of status. He quite clearly doesn't, and has explicitly told you he just wants a casual sexual relationship. Now, the beauty of such a relationship is that it generally means both parties are free to explore their options -- hence the 'casualness' of it. He is quite obviously afraid (and is right) that you think that you two are 'seeing each other', and therefore might be offended by him overtly flirting with other women on facebook. Hence, the defriending.
I would bet real money he is a) fucking other women, b) certainly thinking about trying to.
If you are not comfortable with the open nature of this relationship, stop sleeping with him. But don't delude yourself into thinking you are 'seeing each other' in the sense that it means anything more than once in a while you get together and get naked. He feels no obligation or commitment to you, I guarantee it.
posted by modernnomad at 12:02 PM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would bet real money he is a) fucking other women, b) certainly thinking about trying to.
If you are not comfortable with the open nature of this relationship, stop sleeping with him. But don't delude yourself into thinking you are 'seeing each other' in the sense that it means anything more than once in a while you get together and get naked. He feels no obligation or commitment to you, I guarantee it.
posted by modernnomad at 12:02 PM on January 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
What the hell are you getting out of this?
And, yes, it's weird that he defriended you on Facebook. It's the pinnacle of passive aggressive, and it's time to say bye bye.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:28 PM on January 22, 2010
And, yes, it's weird that he defriended you on Facebook. It's the pinnacle of passive aggressive, and it's time to say bye bye.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:28 PM on January 22, 2010
There are millions of men out there -- warm, sexy, attractive, funny, wonderful men -- who will not do this shit to you. Go look for one of them. You deserve it.
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on January 22, 2010
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on January 22, 2010
My opinion, without reading any of the other answers.
It's obvious that he is messing around with other people or that he is flirting with them (which you know about) in the hopes of messing around with them soon. He defriended you because either he doesn't want you to know what he's doing or because he doesn't want the other people to know what he's doing.
The man has flat out told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and ALSO said he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. He has stated that what he really wants is someone with whom to have casual sex. I think you're not hearing that. I think you're only hearing that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship and missed that he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all.
Lots of women make this mistake when their casual sex parters act, as you said, "boyfriendy:" texting/chatting/emailing/calling me several times a day.
They think, "well, I know he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But he's acting like we're in a relationship. Therefore, his true feelings are that he wants to be in a relationship and he just doesn't know how to do that. And we are in one, or kind of in one, despite what he said."
No. Wrong. The two of you are not in a relationship at all. Not even a little bit.
it's obvious that, despite himself, he really likes me a lot and doesn't know quite what to do about it.
No, he knows very well what to do with it! Enjoy chatting with you, have casual sex with you, and then forget about you and have, or look for, casual sex with other people.
If you're cool with this, fine. But it sound like even though he wants a casual sex arrangement, he's going to be secretive and dishonest with you about it. Hiding other women from you, etc., when there's really no reason to because that is the stated arrangement. If you also want only casual sex and you can deal with secrecy and dishonesty in your casual sex partners, full steam ahead.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:57 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's obvious that he is messing around with other people or that he is flirting with them (which you know about) in the hopes of messing around with them soon. He defriended you because either he doesn't want you to know what he's doing or because he doesn't want the other people to know what he's doing.
The man has flat out told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and ALSO said he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. He has stated that what he really wants is someone with whom to have casual sex. I think you're not hearing that. I think you're only hearing that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship and missed that he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all.
Lots of women make this mistake when their casual sex parters act, as you said, "boyfriendy:" texting/chatting/emailing/calling me several times a day.
They think, "well, I know he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But he's acting like we're in a relationship. Therefore, his true feelings are that he wants to be in a relationship and he just doesn't know how to do that. And we are in one, or kind of in one, despite what he said."
No. Wrong. The two of you are not in a relationship at all. Not even a little bit.
it's obvious that, despite himself, he really likes me a lot and doesn't know quite what to do about it.
No, he knows very well what to do with it! Enjoy chatting with you, have casual sex with you, and then forget about you and have, or look for, casual sex with other people.
If you're cool with this, fine. But it sound like even though he wants a casual sex arrangement, he's going to be secretive and dishonest with you about it. Hiding other women from you, etc., when there's really no reason to because that is the stated arrangement. If you also want only casual sex and you can deal with secrecy and dishonesty in your casual sex partners, full steam ahead.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:57 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Good lord, run from this slow-motion train wreck while you still can! That is really, truly the only thing I can say.
posted by teamparka at 2:37 PM on January 22, 2010
posted by teamparka at 2:37 PM on January 22, 2010
So, I was almost the guy you are seeing. I was still living with my almost ex-wife, and yes, we were still having sex occasionally. We were definitely intimate friends who shared much more than most GFs would be comfortable with, as in intimate details of dates, even advice about how to interpret things our dates had said.
I had a girlfriend for 6 months during this period. After my GF and I decided to be exclusive, I really did honor that agreement. I still flirted and such, just no sex. So it is *possible* that he is as well. Of course, it doesn't sound like you actually have such an agreement, merely a statement that he isn't seeing anyone else right now.
My divorce was dragging on. It really is a huge pain to get it done when you have kids, even when both partners are amicable. My GF was increasingly upset about this, and I thought it was none of her business.
I thought that because I told her, straight up, several times. "I am not interested in marrying you. I don't know if I ever will marry anyone again. I will need at least a year, probably more, before I ever think of it again."
Yet, at the end of the six months, she asked me, "If I wanted to go to Vegas this weekend, and get married to you, would you? Could you?" "No," I said, a bit shocked and annoyed because my nice low-demand girlfriend was just not getting it. Awkward date, indeed. I'd stopped talking about the divorce status, and she thought it was much closer than it really was. We broke up shortly after. She finally believed me, we broke up, and *then* defriended each other.
My advice is, really do believe what people say, especially when it is not in their interests to say it. "No, we aren't planning to separate houses right now." "No, I'm not marrying you.", etc.
(Followup, I rapidly got a new GF, and finished the divorce a few months after that. She believes me, and accepts the truth I've told her straightforwardly. I am not marrying her for quite a while, if ever. I'm willing to lose her rather than rush into another marriage, and she apparently accepts that.)
posted by Invoke at 3:49 PM on January 22, 2010
I had a girlfriend for 6 months during this period. After my GF and I decided to be exclusive, I really did honor that agreement. I still flirted and such, just no sex. So it is *possible* that he is as well. Of course, it doesn't sound like you actually have such an agreement, merely a statement that he isn't seeing anyone else right now.
My divorce was dragging on. It really is a huge pain to get it done when you have kids, even when both partners are amicable. My GF was increasingly upset about this, and I thought it was none of her business.
I thought that because I told her, straight up, several times. "I am not interested in marrying you. I don't know if I ever will marry anyone again. I will need at least a year, probably more, before I ever think of it again."
Yet, at the end of the six months, she asked me, "If I wanted to go to Vegas this weekend, and get married to you, would you? Could you?" "No," I said, a bit shocked and annoyed because my nice low-demand girlfriend was just not getting it. Awkward date, indeed. I'd stopped talking about the divorce status, and she thought it was much closer than it really was. We broke up shortly after. She finally believed me, we broke up, and *then* defriended each other.
My advice is, really do believe what people say, especially when it is not in their interests to say it. "No, we aren't planning to separate houses right now." "No, I'm not marrying you.", etc.
(Followup, I rapidly got a new GF, and finished the divorce a few months after that. She believes me, and accepts the truth I've told her straightforwardly. I am not marrying her for quite a while, if ever. I'm willing to lose her rather than rush into another marriage, and she apparently accepts that.)
posted by Invoke at 3:49 PM on January 22, 2010
Ooh ooh, I forgot to say one observation. He's ex-Mormon. Probably his family is still Mormon.
I bet he hasn't told them about his upcoming divorce. Makes sense, eh? He doesn't want to let on that he's dating at all, I bet.
I bet he can't be certain that even on limited profile, something might not leak to them from your posting. So, what you might not want to hear is that he hasn't told them. Which would mean that the divorce is much less far along than you thought.
Much like my ex-GF, he figures you will react poorly to that news.
posted by Invoke at 4:00 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I bet he hasn't told them about his upcoming divorce. Makes sense, eh? He doesn't want to let on that he's dating at all, I bet.
I bet he can't be certain that even on limited profile, something might not leak to them from your posting. So, what you might not want to hear is that he hasn't told them. Which would mean that the divorce is much less far along than you thought.
Much like my ex-GF, he figures you will react poorly to that news.
posted by Invoke at 4:00 PM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: i haven't sifted through most of these answers (been busy the past week) but a lot of them seem to be predicated on the notion that i think i am/want to be in some serious relationship with this guy. i don't. he's a giant mess right now, and even if he wasn't, he doesn't live in the same state as me. to me, this is about talking and flirting and bantering with a guy i have a ton of fun/an acknowledged connection with, and sleeping with him when we happen to see each other. given his circumstances, i can't see a future with him. even if we both wanted one—and yes, we have talked about it in passing—it would take a whole hell of a lot of compromising that i'm not sure i'd want. he wants to see other ppl, whether he actually is or not. and by "see" i mean: sleep with. i think he should. i have encouraged him to bc he just got out of a 15 year relationship, and he has no idea what any other relationship is like. i have told him this. so i hope that clears up a lot of your concern that i am somehow being a sucker here and don't have my eyes wide open.
posted by violetk at 11:46 AM on January 28, 2010
posted by violetk at 11:46 AM on January 28, 2010
Response by poster: @Invoke they only just told their families at the start of the year.
posted by violetk at 12:04 PM on January 28, 2010
posted by violetk at 12:04 PM on January 28, 2010
So why write a 1,000-word essay about your concerns? If your eyes are so wide open about what "a giant mess" he is, and you don't want a serious relationship with him, then I'm not clear why you would be either surprised or concerned by whether or not he defriends you on FB. He's a mess; he's behaving messily. QED.
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on January 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
(oh, and since tone doesn't always translate well: I'm not being snarky when I say that.)
posted by scody at 12:29 PM on January 28, 2010
posted by scody at 12:29 PM on January 28, 2010
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Read this back to yourself.
I want to say "Then go about your business", but perhaps the better answer is that you should then have this conversation face to face.
posted by pompomtom at 1:33 AM on January 22, 2010