LDR turns SDR Relationship Filter
January 21, 2010 3:56 PM Subscribe
LDR turned SDR goes sour fast - now my relationship's up in the air for the first time ever. Help!
Another long, rambly, anonymous relationship-filter question:
I'm a 21 YO straight male. My fiance and I have been together 5.5 years. For the last 3.5 years or so of that relationship, we've been going to college in separate states and seeing each other once every two or three weeks, as well as summers and holidays. That distance has been increasingly difficult for me to manage. In February, her leaving one of our regular visits sent me into an emotional breakdown - panic attacks, depression and anxiety for about a week or so. We decided I should seek counseling, so I did - I went to counseling for the next three months or so and got some short-term coping strategies. In April, I told her that the question of our relationship's future was hurting me, and that I thought it was time to consider getting engaged. She had since our relationship started had a prejudice against engagements longer than 12 months, but she decided we could get engaged at Thanksgiving. We had frequently talked about marriage for years before that point. We were engaged at Thanksgiving and planning a wedding in June of next year, after she finishes undergrad school, so we could both go to graduate school together instead of separately and ride off into the sunset.
I graduated school last month. I managed to score a virtual job in my field over the summer, so I assumed the best thing for our relationship would be to move to her small college town, get an apartment and set up shop. She hasn't moved in with me, not because of any ideological objection per se but because she doesn't want to lose the college experience with her friends in the dorm where, she says, she works the best. We moved me here last weekend, and she started school on Monday.
Monday was miserable. I couldn't work yet, but I could set up the apartment, so I spent much of the day assembling and putting away. I was really sad, really missed her, really anxious about utility bills and the mess and all the things you're anxious about in a move, and just emotionally exhausted when she came over for dinner. When she witnessed my emotional exhaustion, she was at first enraged, then upset, then wanted to run away. I convinced her to stay, but she said she just wasn't getting the alone time she needed, wasn't having time for her school work, and my emotions were exhausting her beyond the point where she could cope. It was hard leaving that night, but she apologized the next day and promised to work harder on taking care of me.
The next two days were more of the same. Yesterday, I had a panic attack right before she got out of class because I was scared that when I called she wouldn't want to see me. She eventually came over, and we had dinner - I tried very hard to conceal my anxiety from the day, but it all sort of came out at once and we talked more seriously about me seeing someone again and possibly going on medication. I told her that I would begin looking into options today. Later, I asked her for a small favor related to setting up the apartment tomorrow, and she gave a very snippy response about not coming over tomorrow because she was busy. I asked very politely if she could try not to be angry at me and that's when things really broke down.
We had a long conversation about the status of our relationship. In short, I think the goal of my life is to get closer to her and form a family with her in the future. For better or worse, I feel like my happiness is tied to how much time I get to spend and be with her and how close we are to each other. I've tried various hobbies and interests and all of them seem silly or pointless outside of the context of our life together. I have been saying for months that we have a lot of time to make up for in terms of getting close to each other over the next year and a half. She feels overburdened by the notion that she's responsible for my happiness. She says that she loves me, and that I'm very sweet to her, and that our relationship has allowed her to take a new lease on life, but that I now rarely make her happy. She says she felt coerced into our engagement at Thanksgiving (side note: for gender equity reasons, we had a very non-traditional engagement where we discussed it for months and on the day, she picked out her ring, etc) because she loves me and she doesn't want my disappointment or pain to cause me to hurt myself. She says she's not willing to commit to the same kind of dependence I feel or even really willing to commit to my dependence. She left last night saying she needed time to think about this alone, but that she wasn't really sure we should be getting married.
There are things that make me happy - in particular, I find my career really engaging and important. However, they all really pale in comparison to love. I feel the best in my life when I'm having dinner with her or when she's being affectionate towards me and I can be affectionate back. I still strongly believe for spiritual and religious reasons that we were meant to be together, that we were meant to start a family. She told me she believed in those things too - until last Monday. I'm not completely unrealistic here - I know that I could probably find something that would make me happy in a year or so if we broke up. I also know, though, that the adjustment period would be a long one and that I would regret, probably forever, the mistakes I've made here. I do, however, have a lot of options: I have a job I can work from home, I'm not too old to move back into my mother's house on a short or long term basis (she's already invited me back). I have set obligations to this place - a 12 month lease, utility and Internet bills I've committed to, and a new apartment full of furniture and stuff - but I could try to sell those or lease those in the short term.
So, AskMe, I'd like help with a few things. First, any short-term coping strategies to being out of communication with the person who you've always come to with your problems and who has always made you feel alive. Second, I clearly need some outside context for understanding this situation and figuring out what exactly is going on here. Third, I know I need help for my anxiety, but where / how should I look (particularly in a small town) and how can I convince her, at the end of the day, that I'm a person who can make her happy again?
Another long, rambly, anonymous relationship-filter question:
I'm a 21 YO straight male. My fiance and I have been together 5.5 years. For the last 3.5 years or so of that relationship, we've been going to college in separate states and seeing each other once every two or three weeks, as well as summers and holidays. That distance has been increasingly difficult for me to manage. In February, her leaving one of our regular visits sent me into an emotional breakdown - panic attacks, depression and anxiety for about a week or so. We decided I should seek counseling, so I did - I went to counseling for the next three months or so and got some short-term coping strategies. In April, I told her that the question of our relationship's future was hurting me, and that I thought it was time to consider getting engaged. She had since our relationship started had a prejudice against engagements longer than 12 months, but she decided we could get engaged at Thanksgiving. We had frequently talked about marriage for years before that point. We were engaged at Thanksgiving and planning a wedding in June of next year, after she finishes undergrad school, so we could both go to graduate school together instead of separately and ride off into the sunset.
I graduated school last month. I managed to score a virtual job in my field over the summer, so I assumed the best thing for our relationship would be to move to her small college town, get an apartment and set up shop. She hasn't moved in with me, not because of any ideological objection per se but because she doesn't want to lose the college experience with her friends in the dorm where, she says, she works the best. We moved me here last weekend, and she started school on Monday.
Monday was miserable. I couldn't work yet, but I could set up the apartment, so I spent much of the day assembling and putting away. I was really sad, really missed her, really anxious about utility bills and the mess and all the things you're anxious about in a move, and just emotionally exhausted when she came over for dinner. When she witnessed my emotional exhaustion, she was at first enraged, then upset, then wanted to run away. I convinced her to stay, but she said she just wasn't getting the alone time she needed, wasn't having time for her school work, and my emotions were exhausting her beyond the point where she could cope. It was hard leaving that night, but she apologized the next day and promised to work harder on taking care of me.
The next two days were more of the same. Yesterday, I had a panic attack right before she got out of class because I was scared that when I called she wouldn't want to see me. She eventually came over, and we had dinner - I tried very hard to conceal my anxiety from the day, but it all sort of came out at once and we talked more seriously about me seeing someone again and possibly going on medication. I told her that I would begin looking into options today. Later, I asked her for a small favor related to setting up the apartment tomorrow, and she gave a very snippy response about not coming over tomorrow because she was busy. I asked very politely if she could try not to be angry at me and that's when things really broke down.
We had a long conversation about the status of our relationship. In short, I think the goal of my life is to get closer to her and form a family with her in the future. For better or worse, I feel like my happiness is tied to how much time I get to spend and be with her and how close we are to each other. I've tried various hobbies and interests and all of them seem silly or pointless outside of the context of our life together. I have been saying for months that we have a lot of time to make up for in terms of getting close to each other over the next year and a half. She feels overburdened by the notion that she's responsible for my happiness. She says that she loves me, and that I'm very sweet to her, and that our relationship has allowed her to take a new lease on life, but that I now rarely make her happy. She says she felt coerced into our engagement at Thanksgiving (side note: for gender equity reasons, we had a very non-traditional engagement where we discussed it for months and on the day, she picked out her ring, etc) because she loves me and she doesn't want my disappointment or pain to cause me to hurt myself. She says she's not willing to commit to the same kind of dependence I feel or even really willing to commit to my dependence. She left last night saying she needed time to think about this alone, but that she wasn't really sure we should be getting married.
There are things that make me happy - in particular, I find my career really engaging and important. However, they all really pale in comparison to love. I feel the best in my life when I'm having dinner with her or when she's being affectionate towards me and I can be affectionate back. I still strongly believe for spiritual and religious reasons that we were meant to be together, that we were meant to start a family. She told me she believed in those things too - until last Monday. I'm not completely unrealistic here - I know that I could probably find something that would make me happy in a year or so if we broke up. I also know, though, that the adjustment period would be a long one and that I would regret, probably forever, the mistakes I've made here. I do, however, have a lot of options: I have a job I can work from home, I'm not too old to move back into my mother's house on a short or long term basis (she's already invited me back). I have set obligations to this place - a 12 month lease, utility and Internet bills I've committed to, and a new apartment full of furniture and stuff - but I could try to sell those or lease those in the short term.
So, AskMe, I'd like help with a few things. First, any short-term coping strategies to being out of communication with the person who you've always come to with your problems and who has always made you feel alive. Second, I clearly need some outside context for understanding this situation and figuring out what exactly is going on here. Third, I know I need help for my anxiety, but where / how should I look (particularly in a small town) and how can I convince her, at the end of the day, that I'm a person who can make her happy again?
I'm going to agree with her and say that you should probably be in therapy. Do you have health insurance through your new job? If so, look into that system and it should be easy to find somebody to talk to. If you don't and money is tight, you can look around to free clinics and often colleges will have programs where you can see the same person (who is nearing graduating in their program) regularly.
Your dependence on her for happiness, and the complete worthlessness it seems you feel your life has without her, is honestly not healthy. I've said for a very long time that you couldn't be happy with anybody else until you could be happy with yourself--and it's really true. It took me a very long point to get to the point where I could say I was happy with myself, and it was only after that point that relationships become partnerships, which in my opinion is very important.
It's interesting to me that you mention gender equality issues based on the engagement story, because it seems based on the rest of your post that your relationship isn't particularly equal at all. The amount of pressure you're putting on her to be your sole door to happiness is unfair and likely remarkably stressful for her. In order to really be equal, you have to develop as an individual.
You got together young and people go through a lot of changes in their early twenties. It sounds like she might be going through more of those changes than you are, and your attempts to hold on to her make her feel stifled. She's got to explore the things she wants to explore and become the person she's going to become; if you're meant to be together once you both have grown as individuals then, through hard work, it will happen. And if you don't end up together, at the end of the day, you need to be ready to support yourself, take care of yourself, and figure out things to do that make you happy.
It's not a matter of convincing her you can make her happy again. It's a matter of taking care of yourself first and seeing what happens after that. Honestly, that's probably the only path toward making her happy again anyway.
posted by plaingurl at 4:16 PM on January 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
Your dependence on her for happiness, and the complete worthlessness it seems you feel your life has without her, is honestly not healthy. I've said for a very long time that you couldn't be happy with anybody else until you could be happy with yourself--and it's really true. It took me a very long point to get to the point where I could say I was happy with myself, and it was only after that point that relationships become partnerships, which in my opinion is very important.
It's interesting to me that you mention gender equality issues based on the engagement story, because it seems based on the rest of your post that your relationship isn't particularly equal at all. The amount of pressure you're putting on her to be your sole door to happiness is unfair and likely remarkably stressful for her. In order to really be equal, you have to develop as an individual.
You got together young and people go through a lot of changes in their early twenties. It sounds like she might be going through more of those changes than you are, and your attempts to hold on to her make her feel stifled. She's got to explore the things she wants to explore and become the person she's going to become; if you're meant to be together once you both have grown as individuals then, through hard work, it will happen. And if you don't end up together, at the end of the day, you need to be ready to support yourself, take care of yourself, and figure out things to do that make you happy.
It's not a matter of convincing her you can make her happy again. It's a matter of taking care of yourself first and seeing what happens after that. Honestly, that's probably the only path toward making her happy again anyway.
posted by plaingurl at 4:16 PM on January 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
but that I now rarely make her happy.
She says she felt coerced into our engagement
she doesn't want my disappointment or pain to cause me to hurt myself
She says she's not willing to commit to the same kind of dependence I feel
she wasn't really sure we should be getting married.
Going from a LDR to a SDR can be really tough. Often, people fall out of love with the person they are in an LDR with and don't really realize it until it becomes an SDR, for a variety of reasons. All of the above statements seem to point that direction. It seems clear that you love her more than she loves you - and I hate to be the heavy on this - but that is never a good sign.
My guess is this: she wants out, but she feels guilty and worried for you - because she does love you. You are sensing this, which is making you increasingly needy, dependent and anxious, which is in turn driving her away, which is in turn making you more scattered, and so on.
The anxiety attacks should be a major signal that you 1) might need meds and 2) defo should be in regular therapy.
I know that I could probably find something that would make me happy in a year or so if we broke up
It sort of seems that you care more about finding someone to love than finding the *right* person to love. Look - if she isn't feeling it, then why would you want to stay? You need someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
You need to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
You need to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:20 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
She says she felt coerced into our engagement
she doesn't want my disappointment or pain to cause me to hurt myself
She says she's not willing to commit to the same kind of dependence I feel
she wasn't really sure we should be getting married.
Going from a LDR to a SDR can be really tough. Often, people fall out of love with the person they are in an LDR with and don't really realize it until it becomes an SDR, for a variety of reasons. All of the above statements seem to point that direction. It seems clear that you love her more than she loves you - and I hate to be the heavy on this - but that is never a good sign.
My guess is this: she wants out, but she feels guilty and worried for you - because she does love you. You are sensing this, which is making you increasingly needy, dependent and anxious, which is in turn driving her away, which is in turn making you more scattered, and so on.
The anxiety attacks should be a major signal that you 1) might need meds and 2) defo should be in regular therapy.
I know that I could probably find something that would make me happy in a year or so if we broke up
It sort of seems that you care more about finding someone to love than finding the *right* person to love. Look - if she isn't feeling it, then why would you want to stay? You need someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
You need to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
You need to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:20 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know I need help for my anxiety, but where / how should I look
This has got to be your first step. Does your new job have insurance? Find out which providers take your insurance. Start calling for an appointment. If the town is too small to have a psychiatrist, call a general practitioner and explain that you're having anxiety issues. They can give you something, and they can also refer you to a talk therapist.
Really, nothing is going to change until you can manage the physical symptoms of anxiety that lead to "I must be with her or the world will end" kind of thoughts. There are non-pharmaceutical ways to do this, such as exercise and meditation, but you're in crisis mode here.
She really doesn't seem to want to be with you right now, and you need to give her that space. The more you push, the more she'll pull away. I know this seems impossibly difficult, but there is no chance of having her in your life if you keep pushing her. None.
If I were you, I'd call her up as soon as you made an appointment with a doctor, and tell her that you know you've been anxious, you know you've been pushing her, and you're sorry. You're getting help, and you're going to give her as much space as she needs. Then keep to that. Again, this will seem impossibly difficult, because essentially you are addicted to her.* But you have no other choice. Either she'll come back or she won't; that is not something you can control. Either way, you will have gotten the help you need.
*I also recommend reading addiction recovery literature, like AA's Big Book. I will be absolutely shocked if it does not resonate with you.
posted by desjardins at 4:23 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
This has got to be your first step. Does your new job have insurance? Find out which providers take your insurance. Start calling for an appointment. If the town is too small to have a psychiatrist, call a general practitioner and explain that you're having anxiety issues. They can give you something, and they can also refer you to a talk therapist.
Really, nothing is going to change until you can manage the physical symptoms of anxiety that lead to "I must be with her or the world will end" kind of thoughts. There are non-pharmaceutical ways to do this, such as exercise and meditation, but you're in crisis mode here.
She really doesn't seem to want to be with you right now, and you need to give her that space. The more you push, the more she'll pull away. I know this seems impossibly difficult, but there is no chance of having her in your life if you keep pushing her. None.
If I were you, I'd call her up as soon as you made an appointment with a doctor, and tell her that you know you've been anxious, you know you've been pushing her, and you're sorry. You're getting help, and you're going to give her as much space as she needs. Then keep to that. Again, this will seem impossibly difficult, because essentially you are addicted to her.* But you have no other choice. Either she'll come back or she won't; that is not something you can control. Either way, you will have gotten the help you need.
*I also recommend reading addiction recovery literature, like AA's Big Book. I will be absolutely shocked if it does not resonate with you.
posted by desjardins at 4:23 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time!
I think you need to what desjardins said about giving her space and getting yourself some professional help. She is not able and/or willing to be your medication + therapist and it's probably wouldn't be a good idea to try to make her be that anyway. And removing the pressure gives you the best shot at keeping her, even if it's not a great shot.
Getting married is not a choice you should make in the state you're in and you both might be doing it for the wrong reasons. She's feeling pressured and perhaps obligated to "save" you and you're feeling desperate and clingy. Get healthy, get happy, and then make that decision, if you're still together.
Although I think you should get a psychologist and either see your GP or a psychiatrist for meds, you can also get some books to help. Two self-help books I recommend are Thoughts & Feelings and Feeling Good. They are for anxiety and depression. I don't see any indication that you're depressed, but you certainly have some anxiety that could vastly improve. :-)
You're young and entering into a really hard time of life for a lot of people. It sure took a long time for me to get my bearings in my early 20s. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to figure everything out.
posted by callmejay at 4:42 PM on January 21, 2010
I think you need to what desjardins said about giving her space and getting yourself some professional help. She is not able and/or willing to be your medication + therapist and it's probably wouldn't be a good idea to try to make her be that anyway. And removing the pressure gives you the best shot at keeping her, even if it's not a great shot.
Getting married is not a choice you should make in the state you're in and you both might be doing it for the wrong reasons. She's feeling pressured and perhaps obligated to "save" you and you're feeling desperate and clingy. Get healthy, get happy, and then make that decision, if you're still together.
Although I think you should get a psychologist and either see your GP or a psychiatrist for meds, you can also get some books to help. Two self-help books I recommend are Thoughts & Feelings and Feeling Good. They are for anxiety and depression. I don't see any indication that you're depressed, but you certainly have some anxiety that could vastly improve. :-)
You're young and entering into a really hard time of life for a lot of people. It sure took a long time for me to get my bearings in my early 20s. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to figure everything out.
posted by callmejay at 4:42 PM on January 21, 2010
She says she felt coerced into our engagement at Thanksgiving ... because she loves me and she doesn't want my disappointment or pain to cause me to hurt myself.
Just want to say one short thing, because this jumped out at me. I was once in a long term relationship very much like this, in your girlfriend's position. The thing that made my feelings go from, "This relationship has a lot of problems and is making me really unhappy, but I'll keep trying to work on it," to "Oh shit, I have to end this NOW and cut all contact with him," was when he started threatening to hurt himself. There was no more terrifying feeling for me than the idea of being responsible, or being treated as if I were responsible, for someone doing that.
So if you do that sort of thing? From what you've said, it sounds like her reaction will be, like mine, less "modify my actions so he won't hurt himself," and more "get myself out of a position of being responsible/seen as responsible for him hurting himself."
I will probably never speak to my ex again, even as friends, because of this freaking me out so much. If you want to stop driving your girlfriend away, this is not something you can keep doing.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:52 PM on January 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
Just want to say one short thing, because this jumped out at me. I was once in a long term relationship very much like this, in your girlfriend's position. The thing that made my feelings go from, "This relationship has a lot of problems and is making me really unhappy, but I'll keep trying to work on it," to "Oh shit, I have to end this NOW and cut all contact with him," was when he started threatening to hurt himself. There was no more terrifying feeling for me than the idea of being responsible, or being treated as if I were responsible, for someone doing that.
So if you do that sort of thing? From what you've said, it sounds like her reaction will be, like mine, less "modify my actions so he won't hurt himself," and more "get myself out of a position of being responsible/seen as responsible for him hurting himself."
I will probably never speak to my ex again, even as friends, because of this freaking me out so much. If you want to stop driving your girlfriend away, this is not something you can keep doing.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:52 PM on January 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
If you want to stop driving your girlfriend away, this is not something you can keep doing.
More than that, if this is something that you habitually do-- if your reaction to separation is so intense and upsetting for you that you contemplate self-harm or find it acceptable to threaten self-harm in order to gain temporary comfort-- this is not something you can stop doing without a professional's guidance and support. You don't have the tools in your toolkit to rewire that kind of thing, most likely, and developing them would take you a lot longer on your own than it would with a therapist's assistance.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:22 PM on January 21, 2010
More than that, if this is something that you habitually do-- if your reaction to separation is so intense and upsetting for you that you contemplate self-harm or find it acceptable to threaten self-harm in order to gain temporary comfort-- this is not something you can stop doing without a professional's guidance and support. You don't have the tools in your toolkit to rewire that kind of thing, most likely, and developing them would take you a lot longer on your own than it would with a therapist's assistance.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:22 PM on January 21, 2010
Response by poster: Jesus Christ. You've been together since you were fifteen or sixteen. Do you know how much people grow and change in those intervening years? There is only a mind-bogglingly small part of the population who will claim to be the same person who they were at that age, and a very large percentage who will say they are 100% different.
The change is natural. It's good, it's healthy, it's growing up.
It sounds like your girlfriend has changed and embraced that change, and you are desperately, fanatically holding on to who you were and what the two of you were.
Anxiety attacks when she's not around? Hurting yourself because she's not there? [i]Everything[/i] in your life pales in comparison to your love? Throwing a hissy fit until she gets engaged with you, planning on you going to grad school together, planning on setting up house immediately after college--apparently without much input from her, given that she's not even living there . . . Dude, this is not love, this is not commitment, this is sick and pathetic. You're a barely functioning human being who expects her to make up the difference and support you. You have no idea of who the fuck you really are, all you've got is this incredibly romanticized ideal of your "love" and when it's ever, ever threatened you panic because you realize you have nothing else because you haven't [i]allowed[/i] anything else in your life.
Back the fuck up. Get to therapy. Let her be. Find hobbies, and immerse yourself in those hobbies. Realize your "love" and your relationship, or whatever you think it is, is not a Special Magical Snowflake, it's something that everyone does and goes through and it requires work and some degree of independence on each person's part to keep it functioning and sane.
posted by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on January 21, 2010
The change is natural. It's good, it's healthy, it's growing up.
It sounds like your girlfriend has changed and embraced that change, and you are desperately, fanatically holding on to who you were and what the two of you were.
Anxiety attacks when she's not around? Hurting yourself because she's not there? [i]Everything[/i] in your life pales in comparison to your love? Throwing a hissy fit until she gets engaged with you, planning on you going to grad school together, planning on setting up house immediately after college--apparently without much input from her, given that she's not even living there . . . Dude, this is not love, this is not commitment, this is sick and pathetic. You're a barely functioning human being who expects her to make up the difference and support you. You have no idea of who the fuck you really are, all you've got is this incredibly romanticized ideal of your "love" and when it's ever, ever threatened you panic because you realize you have nothing else because you haven't [i]allowed[/i] anything else in your life.
Back the fuck up. Get to therapy. Let her be. Find hobbies, and immerse yourself in those hobbies. Realize your "love" and your relationship, or whatever you think it is, is not a Special Magical Snowflake, it's something that everyone does and goes through and it requires work and some degree of independence on each person's part to keep it functioning and sane.
posted by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on January 21, 2010
The fact that you tagged this "attachmentissues" tells me that you may have a better idea of what's going on here than what comes across in your question.
I won't comment on whether or not you should break up or stay together, because I think there are some things you should try that'll help resolve that on it's own. However, I do think that if she doesn't feel it's right to be engaged right now you should postpone it. If you remain engaged/get married/live happily ever after without addressing that issue she's going to resent you.
First, I think you need to give her a lot more space. If you're worried she may see that as pulling away, just let her know that you know she needs her alone time and you're giving her XYZ days off, but she's welcome to call you if she would like to hang out. It sounds like you're spending almost every day together, which isn't good if she's feeling smothered. Try gradually narrowing that down to four days a week.
You also need to focus finding things that make you feel happy and fulfilled that aren't her. This is so you don't go crazy when seeing her less often, but also because if she does decide she'd like to continue the relationship it'll make her feel a lot less smothered/responsible for your happiness.
I would suggest you find some friends in the area, if you haven't already. You could try meetup.com. I'm not too familiar with other ways of making friends outside of school/work, so maybe someone else can chime in on that here.
You also need to save up some money and invest it into a hobby. Do you have something that you enjoy doing that makes everything in your life seem okay while you're doing it? Or something that's silly that still makes you smile, or make the time go by really quickly? Start doing that again, and when you feel anxious fill up your time doing it. If you haven't yet, start exploring different hobbies to figure out what floats your boat.
Last but not least, you should find local events in your area and attend, with or without her/a friend to go with. Concerts, art shows, comedy shows - just start getting out and about so your days are more filled with activities that aren't her. What you want to do is try to keep yourself busy so that you aren't spending/wanting to spend so much time together. If you can do this it won't feel like hell whenever you go without her, it'll just feel like you're out living life but are able to spend time with her when you're both available.
I won't say much about therapy because I'm sure numerous other people are going to cover that.
P.S, memail me because there's a book I'd like to recommend you.
posted by biochemist at 6:17 PM on January 21, 2010
I won't comment on whether or not you should break up or stay together, because I think there are some things you should try that'll help resolve that on it's own. However, I do think that if she doesn't feel it's right to be engaged right now you should postpone it. If you remain engaged/get married/live happily ever after without addressing that issue she's going to resent you.
First, I think you need to give her a lot more space. If you're worried she may see that as pulling away, just let her know that you know she needs her alone time and you're giving her XYZ days off, but she's welcome to call you if she would like to hang out. It sounds like you're spending almost every day together, which isn't good if she's feeling smothered. Try gradually narrowing that down to four days a week.
You also need to focus finding things that make you feel happy and fulfilled that aren't her. This is so you don't go crazy when seeing her less often, but also because if she does decide she'd like to continue the relationship it'll make her feel a lot less smothered/responsible for your happiness.
I would suggest you find some friends in the area, if you haven't already. You could try meetup.com. I'm not too familiar with other ways of making friends outside of school/work, so maybe someone else can chime in on that here.
You also need to save up some money and invest it into a hobby. Do you have something that you enjoy doing that makes everything in your life seem okay while you're doing it? Or something that's silly that still makes you smile, or make the time go by really quickly? Start doing that again, and when you feel anxious fill up your time doing it. If you haven't yet, start exploring different hobbies to figure out what floats your boat.
Last but not least, you should find local events in your area and attend, with or without her/a friend to go with. Concerts, art shows, comedy shows - just start getting out and about so your days are more filled with activities that aren't her. What you want to do is try to keep yourself busy so that you aren't spending/wanting to spend so much time together. If you can do this it won't feel like hell whenever you go without her, it'll just feel like you're out living life but are able to spend time with her when you're both available.
I won't say much about therapy because I'm sure numerous other people are going to cover that.
P.S, memail me because there's a book I'd like to recommend you.
posted by biochemist at 6:17 PM on January 21, 2010
She's been telling you things loud & clear. She likes her college experience. She wants to grow as a person. She doesn't want to be engaged. She feels burdened at being responsible for your happiness (this is not good, in a *good* relationship, NO ONE is responsible for anyone's happiness). I'm sorry, I feel bad for you, that you are hurt, but really... stop it. For both of your sakes. Get away from her, get your own life. You should be the one making you feel alive, it's not someone else's responsibility. Once you get this, life will be so much easier.
posted by kellyblah at 6:39 PM on January 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by kellyblah at 6:39 PM on January 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
I generally frown on the metafilter love of therapists, but you need one. Badly.
And you need some male buddies to help you give the pedestal thing a rest.
posted by rr at 7:01 PM on January 21, 2010
And you need some male buddies to help you give the pedestal thing a rest.
posted by rr at 7:01 PM on January 21, 2010
Wow, so much pressure to be someone's everything. Poor girl, I'm actually surprised she's hung in this far. Do both of you a favour and break it off while you sort yourself out. If you don't, she will and by that time, you'll never get her back. This way at least, she'll see you're working on your issues and maybe one day you can be together again when you're healthier. She obviously loves you but it's not fair to make your happiness her responsibility.
posted by Jubey at 7:49 PM on January 21, 2010
posted by Jubey at 7:49 PM on January 21, 2010
Two dots:
For better or worse, I feel like my happiness is tied to how much time I get to spend and be with her and how close we are to each other.
She feels overburdened by the notion that she's responsible for my happiness.
Connect them.
posted by flabdablet at 8:45 PM on January 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
For better or worse, I feel like my happiness is tied to how much time I get to spend and be with her and how close we are to each other.
She feels overburdened by the notion that she's responsible for my happiness.
Connect them.
posted by flabdablet at 8:45 PM on January 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
um, you are a 21 y.o male and you are having anxiety attacks over this girl you think you want to marry? you've been living apart for 3.5 years. really you barely know this girl. I agree with Schrodinger that is just no tlove.
deal with your shit and just chill out. Accept that she may not love you and that no matter what you may think righ now THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
posted by mary8nne at 3:53 AM on January 22, 2010
deal with your shit and just chill out. Accept that she may not love you and that no matter what you may think righ now THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
posted by mary8nne at 3:53 AM on January 22, 2010
I'd just like to point out that graduating college, getting a job, finding an apartment, living on your own, moving to a new town, and doing what you're doing right now outside of that relationship is a very difficult, stressful, and ultimately rewarding thing. Trying to create an adult life is not easy. Trying to do this in conjunction with someone else who is not simultaneously doing this is very very difficult. She is a college student, seeing her time of living in a town coming to an end. She is looking at graduating, and al lthe possibilities for change that are looming on the horizon. Understandably, she is very anti-nesting right now. You are very pro-nesting right now, and more importantly, you're pretty alone in the new town - you don't have your family, you don't have a dorm, you don't have classmates, you don't have co-workers, you don't have an office to go to, don't have friends who are not primarily her friends. You are molten chocolate looking for a mold to pour yourself into, and you have chosen her. She is, understandably, freaked out.
Try to take a step back, pretend she doesn't live down the street, and decide what you want your adult life to be like. Decide who you want to be, and try to be that person. The question of whether that person is compatible with the person who she wants to be is not one that should be an automatic override on your decision-making.
posted by aimedwander at 6:14 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Try to take a step back, pretend she doesn't live down the street, and decide what you want your adult life to be like. Decide who you want to be, and try to be that person. The question of whether that person is compatible with the person who she wants to be is not one that should be an automatic override on your decision-making.
posted by aimedwander at 6:14 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you decided, without even asking how she felt about it, that you would move near her and that she should spend most of her spare time with you.
I bet during your visits the two of you spent the majority of your spare time together. It was probably very intense and focused. You are trying to get her to give you this focus every single day. It's a lot to demand of someone all of a sudden.
She probably has routines that she is used to that don't involve you. Studying, clubs, friends. You are demanding that she give up a lot of that. Find some things to do when you aren't working other than sit around obsessing that she isn't right there.
posted by yohko at 7:21 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
I bet during your visits the two of you spent the majority of your spare time together. It was probably very intense and focused. You are trying to get her to give you this focus every single day. It's a lot to demand of someone all of a sudden.
She probably has routines that she is used to that don't involve you. Studying, clubs, friends. You are demanding that she give up a lot of that. Find some things to do when you aren't working other than sit around obsessing that she isn't right there.
posted by yohko at 7:21 AM on January 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
schroedinger hit the nail on the head. so you'll be spared my nearly identical rant.
I was in this same situation, except I was her not you. I am so so so so glad I dumped 'you' in college before we got married. Because our divorce would have been awful and we would be 22 year old divorcees.
Let go man. Let the fuck go. You'll feel a hell of a lot better if you take these steps for yourself, instead of making her slam the door in your face.
posted by French Fry at 8:36 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was in this same situation, except I was her not you. I am so so so so glad I dumped 'you' in college before we got married. Because our divorce would have been awful and we would be 22 year old divorcees.
Let go man. Let the fuck go. You'll feel a hell of a lot better if you take these steps for yourself, instead of making her slam the door in your face.
posted by French Fry at 8:36 AM on January 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
schroedinger hit the nail on the head.
Agreed.
Like French Fry, I've also been in similar situation, except I was you. Fortunately, the girls I dated either went to college somewhere else or graduated years before/after me so that I never ended up marrying them.
Look, this is something that few every really talk about, but I KNOW the situation is very common and not unique to me: You will change A LOT in your early and mid '20s. I always thought I was a focused, centered person who was old for my age. Maybe I was, but it doesn't change the fact that the person I was at 21 is a complete stranger to me. The things he thought were ridiculous. The things he did were stupid. Same for the person I was at 24. I started keeping a journal about this time (off and on) and can't believe the things I felt and wrote. My foolishness was complete and all-consuming.
On the other hand, I am today -- at 37 -- roughly identical to who I was at 27.
The moral is this: Date whoever you want. Settle down if you want to. But don't get married or have kids until you're about 30.
The comments that Lutoslawski list all point to one thing, and it's something that would be clear even if you hadn't included them: neither of you are ready to be married. Move on. Enjoy the next few years as much as you can, even though they'll probably suck. Go to therapy. Things will work out.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:24 PM on January 22, 2010
Agreed.
Like French Fry, I've also been in similar situation, except I was you. Fortunately, the girls I dated either went to college somewhere else or graduated years before/after me so that I never ended up marrying them.
Look, this is something that few every really talk about, but I KNOW the situation is very common and not unique to me: You will change A LOT in your early and mid '20s. I always thought I was a focused, centered person who was old for my age. Maybe I was, but it doesn't change the fact that the person I was at 21 is a complete stranger to me. The things he thought were ridiculous. The things he did were stupid. Same for the person I was at 24. I started keeping a journal about this time (off and on) and can't believe the things I felt and wrote. My foolishness was complete and all-consuming.
On the other hand, I am today -- at 37 -- roughly identical to who I was at 27.
The moral is this: Date whoever you want. Settle down if you want to. But don't get married or have kids until you're about 30.
The comments that Lutoslawski list all point to one thing, and it's something that would be clear even if you hadn't included them: neither of you are ready to be married. Move on. Enjoy the next few years as much as you can, even though they'll probably suck. Go to therapy. Things will work out.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:24 PM on January 22, 2010
If you're having trouble understanding the picture you get by connecting those dots: here's a clue.
posted by flabdablet at 8:43 PM on January 22, 2010
posted by flabdablet at 8:43 PM on January 22, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by fullofragerie at 4:12 PM on January 21, 2010 [1 favorite]