No sad voice
January 19, 2010 10:22 AM Subscribe
As far as voice goes, I don't get sad. This is a bit of a problem. Also, the first relationship I've had that is getting to the 'real serious' level is getting weird.
I don't know what to do.
On the first point: It's a long-distance relationship. A couple of hours and busy schedules on both sides = 1-3 visits per month. This, at least, seems standard, if not good for what it is.
But, while I'm kind of dealing with this distance decently, my SO is having a tough time; this means that lots of recent phone calls have been very teary-ed on the other side, and I honestly don't know what to do; I am not that sad. Also conversations on the other side basically focus on how much I am missed and how much I should be there. Also on serious commitment and serious feelings.
Which, I, truly do echo, but that is it, really - discussion of the big abstract things which drowns out discussion of the fun, so it kind of reduces the big abstract things. To be honest, I don't always look forward to the nightly phone call.
Also, life situations are different. The first year of 'real life' for me, and college on the other side. This adds up to a little weirdness; vacation time is far more limited, concerns are different. And, I must admit, being a mysteriously (I don't see it) attractive person, I've had a few people make advances on me. I've turned them down without a thought and certainly without considering doing anything (I hate hate hate cheating and would never do it or find it okay. sep. discussion). But, an unexpected and really seriously shocking, to the point of some kind of dissociation, result of these and maturing of my relationship ideas is that I am no longer petrified of aloneness if this ends.
Finally, the overwhelming feelings of missing and sadness on the other side, and the focus on the long-termness and commitment, make me feel like we are betraying the original constitution of the relationship; that we would try to make each other happy and would not make each other sad. Certainly the current sadness is viewed as the price of future happiness, but the ratio of time together to time apart is so great that it is hard to tell whether, in retrospect, this year will seem like a good one for both of us (of course, retrospect isn't a sum total of experiences, it's colored by how you think of the time).
So, I am being racked with ideas from 'Holy crap, I need to have SO live with me this summer or else I will die of heartbreak' to 'we should break up,' even though, the theoretical clear-minded me should just feel overjoyed that the fantastic relationship with the fantastic person ended up being the serious one, and the skeptical one thinks that the typical one is just afraid of commitment, but the typical one, indeed, is nervous and unsure of whether this is the best idea, and is having a damn hard time asserting how much it loves the SO when it feels like things might end and maybe should end.
I have no idea.
Thanks for any ideas, I really appreciate them.
Sorry about the non-gendered language, for some reason it seemed like the way to go and a bit of a challenge. Just guess, I don't mind if you think I'm a *
On the first point: It's a long-distance relationship. A couple of hours and busy schedules on both sides = 1-3 visits per month. This, at least, seems standard, if not good for what it is.
But, while I'm kind of dealing with this distance decently, my SO is having a tough time; this means that lots of recent phone calls have been very teary-ed on the other side, and I honestly don't know what to do; I am not that sad. Also conversations on the other side basically focus on how much I am missed and how much I should be there. Also on serious commitment and serious feelings.
Which, I, truly do echo, but that is it, really - discussion of the big abstract things which drowns out discussion of the fun, so it kind of reduces the big abstract things. To be honest, I don't always look forward to the nightly phone call.
Also, life situations are different. The first year of 'real life' for me, and college on the other side. This adds up to a little weirdness; vacation time is far more limited, concerns are different. And, I must admit, being a mysteriously (I don't see it) attractive person, I've had a few people make advances on me. I've turned them down without a thought and certainly without considering doing anything (I hate hate hate cheating and would never do it or find it okay. sep. discussion). But, an unexpected and really seriously shocking, to the point of some kind of dissociation, result of these and maturing of my relationship ideas is that I am no longer petrified of aloneness if this ends.
Finally, the overwhelming feelings of missing and sadness on the other side, and the focus on the long-termness and commitment, make me feel like we are betraying the original constitution of the relationship; that we would try to make each other happy and would not make each other sad. Certainly the current sadness is viewed as the price of future happiness, but the ratio of time together to time apart is so great that it is hard to tell whether, in retrospect, this year will seem like a good one for both of us (of course, retrospect isn't a sum total of experiences, it's colored by how you think of the time).
So, I am being racked with ideas from 'Holy crap, I need to have SO live with me this summer or else I will die of heartbreak' to 'we should break up,' even though, the theoretical clear-minded me should just feel overjoyed that the fantastic relationship with the fantastic person ended up being the serious one, and the skeptical one thinks that the typical one is just afraid of commitment, but the typical one, indeed, is nervous and unsure of whether this is the best idea, and is having a damn hard time asserting how much it loves the SO when it feels like things might end and maybe should end.
I have no idea.
Thanks for any ideas, I really appreciate them.
Sorry about the non-gendered language, for some reason it seemed like the way to go and a bit of a challenge. Just guess, I don't mind if you think I'm a *
Yeah, because what we love is having a fun "challenge" to go along with y'know, helping you with your relationship problem!
I think you're overthinking this, and I don't understand the focus on the weird "sad voice" thing. what this situation looks like to me is that you're having a lot of fun and varied experiences away from your partner, that you aren't connecting emotionally with them, and that you're really young. All that adds up to a break-up to me.
I think there's a tendency with long-term relationships that everything is slowed down. including the breaking up process, I think there's also a tendency among people who are very young, to think that any issue in a relationship is more about them as a person than it really is (that's not a bad tendency, it's inevitable when you're relatively inexperienced), and that over complicates things too.
Sounds like you're moving on, and you should break up. Just don't be a dick about it! "Trying to make each other happy not sad" (which is a great principle), doesn't mean that genuine sad feelings in a tough situation are a "betrayal". Please try not to say things like that to your partner. And I'd imagine she's focusing on the long-termness, because in the short term it's not a fun or satisfying relationship, and she's trying to look ahead to when it will get better.
And yes, you're clearly a dude.
posted by crabintheocean at 10:57 AM on January 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think you're overthinking this, and I don't understand the focus on the weird "sad voice" thing. what this situation looks like to me is that you're having a lot of fun and varied experiences away from your partner, that you aren't connecting emotionally with them, and that you're really young. All that adds up to a break-up to me.
I think there's a tendency with long-term relationships that everything is slowed down. including the breaking up process, I think there's also a tendency among people who are very young, to think that any issue in a relationship is more about them as a person than it really is (that's not a bad tendency, it's inevitable when you're relatively inexperienced), and that over complicates things too.
Sounds like you're moving on, and you should break up. Just don't be a dick about it! "Trying to make each other happy not sad" (which is a great principle), doesn't mean that genuine sad feelings in a tough situation are a "betrayal". Please try not to say things like that to your partner. And I'd imagine she's focusing on the long-termness, because in the short term it's not a fun or satisfying relationship, and she's trying to look ahead to when it will get better.
And yes, you're clearly a dude.
posted by crabintheocean at 10:57 AM on January 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
OP, take heart - you are not a giant douchebag like fedora guy. Your language is a bit over-the-top, but you come off as a decent person in a new and somewhat confusing situation. I've been in your shoes; I would tell your GF that you don't feel the relationship is working out, not for lack of interest and effort on either side but because you two are in such different situations geographically, in different social circles, have different time committments, etc. There'll be the obligatory period of second-guessing, etc., but in a few months both of you will be much better off (and may even re-connect later). In the interim, just exercise good sense and sensitivity toward her: don't make a big show of dating other women, and do your best to look really busy even if you adjust faster than you anticipate.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:05 AM on January 19, 2010
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:05 AM on January 19, 2010
Sorry about the non-gendered language, for some reason it seemed like the way to go and a bit of a challenge.
Actually, it is a bit of a problem -- I don't mind not knowing the genders, but the result is a question that has passive, distant, involuted observations like: "Which, I, truly do echo, but that is it, really - discussion of the big abstract things which drowns out discussion of the fun, so it kind of reduces the big abstract things." Where are the real people in that sentence? (As you're seeing from the answers here, by purporting to ignore gender you're inadvertently accentuating it. And no, I don't think it's appropriate for us to gang up on you because you're such a guy.)
You, the OP, get to have a personal pronoun (I/me), but your SO is "the other side" (not she/her or he/him). This hints at some ego problems. In fact, the whole premise that you're asking a question about having "no sad voice" suggests you're excessively focused on how you look (or sound). You refer to yourself being "attractive" (but hedged with modesty) and "clear-headed" (again hedged with modesty), etc. But you never mention any of her qualities or interests or goals.
I also find it hard to believe that this question is really just about your voice, when there's so much more discussion about the relationship itself. What are you really trying to ask here? Maybe wait a week and ask a more lucidly focused question.
Sorry this might not be the kind of direct answer you were hoping for, but I thought you might want to know some of the implications between the lines of what you're saying.
Finally, "I've had a few people make advances on me. I've turned them down without a thought and certainly without considering doing anything" ... Um, if you're telling us this, then you did give it a thought.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:10 AM on January 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
Actually, it is a bit of a problem -- I don't mind not knowing the genders, but the result is a question that has passive, distant, involuted observations like: "Which, I, truly do echo, but that is it, really - discussion of the big abstract things which drowns out discussion of the fun, so it kind of reduces the big abstract things." Where are the real people in that sentence? (As you're seeing from the answers here, by purporting to ignore gender you're inadvertently accentuating it. And no, I don't think it's appropriate for us to gang up on you because you're such a guy.)
You, the OP, get to have a personal pronoun (I/me), but your SO is "the other side" (not she/her or he/him). This hints at some ego problems. In fact, the whole premise that you're asking a question about having "no sad voice" suggests you're excessively focused on how you look (or sound). You refer to yourself being "attractive" (but hedged with modesty) and "clear-headed" (again hedged with modesty), etc. But you never mention any of her qualities or interests or goals.
I also find it hard to believe that this question is really just about your voice, when there's so much more discussion about the relationship itself. What are you really trying to ask here? Maybe wait a week and ask a more lucidly focused question.
Sorry this might not be the kind of direct answer you were hoping for, but I thought you might want to know some of the implications between the lines of what you're saying.
Finally, "I've had a few people make advances on me. I've turned them down without a thought and certainly without considering doing anything" ... Um, if you're telling us this, then you did give it a thought.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:10 AM on January 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
If you don't want to be in a long-distance relationship, or in a long-distance relationship with this person, then break up with them.
See how easy it is to use gender-neutral language clearly?
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:16 AM on January 19, 2010
See how easy it is to use gender-neutral language clearly?
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:16 AM on January 19, 2010
Also, "constitution of the relationship" WTF? Relationships don't have constitutions (though I think your partner needs to write their Declaration of Independence).
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:22 AM on January 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:22 AM on January 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Hm, I totally get this because I was like your partner in the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband. (Although we were much older so college wasn't a factor.) We were also a couple of hours apart, saw each other a few times per month, and I missed him horribly every time he left. You seem to be saying that you feel the same serious commitment to the relationship, you just don't miss her like she misses you. I don't see this as a horrible thing and a reason to break up, personally. You don't have to wail and gnash your teeth when you're on the phone with her. There are a thousand ways to be present in her life that may make her feel less distraught. Send her emails or texts throughout the day, just random thoughts or what you're doing at that moment. If you visit her, leave post-it notes in her sock drawer when you leave for her to find later (if she visits you, put them in her backpack). Send flowers. Make a mixtape. I guarantee you that this will make your phone calls less teary-eyed.
posted by desjardins at 11:24 AM on January 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 11:24 AM on January 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
About five years ago, I spent a glorious summer in Europe without my boyfriend and I didn't miss him at all! That was the final sign for me that it was over. If I had to spend a couple of months away from my current SO, I would miss him like crazy and the nights would be very lonely. The ex? Not so much.
What are you asking here? Are you asking us if it's over between you two? If so, I think you know the answer to that.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:26 AM on January 19, 2010
What are you asking here? Are you asking us if it's over between you two? If so, I think you know the answer to that.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:26 AM on January 19, 2010
Also, I suspect she doesn't have that much going on in her life besides school and you, thus the overfocus on missing you. I've been guilty of this myself. Encourage her to get involved in other activities, but don't tell her it's because you think she's overfocused on you, because that will hurt her feelings.
posted by desjardins at 11:28 AM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 11:28 AM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with those who say you've shot yourself in the foot a bit with your gender-hiding ways. I know sometimes people can make gender-based assumptions about people, but it's hard to get a real feel for you and your relationship, the way this is written.
With that said, let me try to offer some advice about how you relate to your significant other over the phone.
You say, "Which, I, truly do echo, but that is it, really - discussion of the big abstract things which drowns out discussion of the fun, so it kind of reduces the big abstract things. To be honest, I don't always look forward to the nightly phone call." This makes it sound like you haven't let your SO know how you feel about these "serious" conversations. It makes it sound like you are hiding how you really feel about how things are going from your significant other -- like you are just saying what you think your SO wants to hear, ignoring the problems you're perceiving, and feeling miserable throughout. It sounds like you're trying to protect your SO from these issues, like you'd rather keep her/him in the dark than threaten to hurt him/her.
Now, maybe I'm reading a lot into what you've said. I can't guarantee that I'm correct in my assessment. But if what I've said sounds even a bit like how you feel, then maybe I can provide some advice: talk.
Express how you feel, even if you hate doing so. Discuss with her how your nightly conversations go, how you need more fun and lighthearted and less serious. Work with her to see if you guys can work out a better means of communicating with each other, so you can try to get more of what you need out of the relationship.
This doesn't mean ignore or belittle her feelings. I'm not saying you should say, "I know you're sad, but, geez, it's been fifteen minutes of whining already!" Instead, I think you should say something like the following, "I know that this is really difficult, but it is important to me that we use what time we have to talk to each other talking about stuff we actually enjoy. It's important to me that we use this time to be happy together." Something like that, where the emphasis is on what it is about the current tone of the conversation that is problematic (it makes your time on the phone together negative as opposed to positive) without making it sound like you don't appreciate her feelings.
Of course, if you say, "Let's talk about something pleasant," you better be prepared for the question, "Like what?" Because, I bet you dollars-to-donuts, that's what he/she'll ask. Maybe, before the phone call, come up with a list of happy or fun topics to discuss -- did you do anything fun? Do you guys have any shared interests you can think to talk about? Any shows you both watch which aired recently? Has he/she had anything interesting going on you can ask about? The point is to make the conversation feel normal and positive, and this may require work.
A lot of the above posters seem to be assuming that you're ready to break up and you're just kind of asking us for permission to do so, or something. I'm assuming that your main problem is just that you are having trouble with the distance and the mopey phone calls that come with them. My advice is assuming certain things about your relationship that I'm not sure are true... But, at the very least, I hope I've given you something helpful.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:36 AM on January 19, 2010
With that said, let me try to offer some advice about how you relate to your significant other over the phone.
You say, "Which, I, truly do echo, but that is it, really - discussion of the big abstract things which drowns out discussion of the fun, so it kind of reduces the big abstract things. To be honest, I don't always look forward to the nightly phone call." This makes it sound like you haven't let your SO know how you feel about these "serious" conversations. It makes it sound like you are hiding how you really feel about how things are going from your significant other -- like you are just saying what you think your SO wants to hear, ignoring the problems you're perceiving, and feeling miserable throughout. It sounds like you're trying to protect your SO from these issues, like you'd rather keep her/him in the dark than threaten to hurt him/her.
Now, maybe I'm reading a lot into what you've said. I can't guarantee that I'm correct in my assessment. But if what I've said sounds even a bit like how you feel, then maybe I can provide some advice: talk.
Express how you feel, even if you hate doing so. Discuss with her how your nightly conversations go, how you need more fun and lighthearted and less serious. Work with her to see if you guys can work out a better means of communicating with each other, so you can try to get more of what you need out of the relationship.
This doesn't mean ignore or belittle her feelings. I'm not saying you should say, "I know you're sad, but, geez, it's been fifteen minutes of whining already!" Instead, I think you should say something like the following, "I know that this is really difficult, but it is important to me that we use what time we have to talk to each other talking about stuff we actually enjoy. It's important to me that we use this time to be happy together." Something like that, where the emphasis is on what it is about the current tone of the conversation that is problematic (it makes your time on the phone together negative as opposed to positive) without making it sound like you don't appreciate her feelings.
Of course, if you say, "Let's talk about something pleasant," you better be prepared for the question, "Like what?" Because, I bet you dollars-to-donuts, that's what he/she'll ask. Maybe, before the phone call, come up with a list of happy or fun topics to discuss -- did you do anything fun? Do you guys have any shared interests you can think to talk about? Any shows you both watch which aired recently? Has he/she had anything interesting going on you can ask about? The point is to make the conversation feel normal and positive, and this may require work.
A lot of the above posters seem to be assuming that you're ready to break up and you're just kind of asking us for permission to do so, or something. I'm assuming that your main problem is just that you are having trouble with the distance and the mopey phone calls that come with them. My advice is assuming certain things about your relationship that I'm not sure are true... But, at the very least, I hope I've given you something helpful.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:36 AM on January 19, 2010
So, I am being racked with ideas from 'Holy crap, I need to have SO live with me this summer or else I will die of heartbreak' to 'we should break up,' even though, the theoretical clear-minded me should just feel overjoyed that the fantastic relationship with the fantastic person ended up being the serious one, and the skeptical one thinks that the typical one is just afraid of commitment, but the typical one, indeed, is nervous and unsure of whether this is the best idea, and is having a damn hard time asserting how much it loves the SO when it feels like things might end and maybe should end.
I get the feeling that you're trying to couch this in impersonal language because you really aren't comfortable with the depths of your feelings, not because of some wicked experiment about gender neutral language. You hint at this--I think--somewhere in the beginning and middle of this monster of a sentence: sometimes you think about living with her (or else dying of heartbreak!), and you do, in fact, feel like it's a fantastic relationship with a fantastic person.
It's okay to not be ready for big-time commitment with this girl. And it's understandable, if you've just realized that you actually do have other romantic options. But the correct thing to do in this case, then, is to break up with her.
As for your problems with phone conversations, my SO and I struggled with this, too, when we were long distance for two years. I was on your girlfriend's side of the conversations, being a much more vocal person about my feelings generally. I think it's important to keep in mind that she likely doesn't intend her words to impart sadness but rather emphasize how much she genuinely does enjoy your company and care about you. It's not the most effective way of communicating this, and I'm sure it might be trying, but she's not purposefully causing misery. I hope that you're telling her your feelings, too, if you "do truly echo" hers. My SO and I would consistently get into big relationship talks in part because he hated talking about his emotions on the phone, and would get evasive, which made me feel like the emotions weren't reciprocated. So I would push for validation.
Something that helped generally was always having plans for our next visit, so I could look forward to them and talk about them. Even three visits a month isn't very many, so you might try this--don't leave things open ended, focus on the time when you will be together and the fun you'll have then, rather than the inherent sadness of the separation.
That is, of course, if you really want to work on these problems at all.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:49 AM on January 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
I get the feeling that you're trying to couch this in impersonal language because you really aren't comfortable with the depths of your feelings, not because of some wicked experiment about gender neutral language. You hint at this--I think--somewhere in the beginning and middle of this monster of a sentence: sometimes you think about living with her (or else dying of heartbreak!), and you do, in fact, feel like it's a fantastic relationship with a fantastic person.
It's okay to not be ready for big-time commitment with this girl. And it's understandable, if you've just realized that you actually do have other romantic options. But the correct thing to do in this case, then, is to break up with her.
As for your problems with phone conversations, my SO and I struggled with this, too, when we were long distance for two years. I was on your girlfriend's side of the conversations, being a much more vocal person about my feelings generally. I think it's important to keep in mind that she likely doesn't intend her words to impart sadness but rather emphasize how much she genuinely does enjoy your company and care about you. It's not the most effective way of communicating this, and I'm sure it might be trying, but she's not purposefully causing misery. I hope that you're telling her your feelings, too, if you "do truly echo" hers. My SO and I would consistently get into big relationship talks in part because he hated talking about his emotions on the phone, and would get evasive, which made me feel like the emotions weren't reciprocated. So I would push for validation.
Something that helped generally was always having plans for our next visit, so I could look forward to them and talk about them. Even three visits a month isn't very many, so you might try this--don't leave things open ended, focus on the time when you will be together and the fun you'll have then, rather than the inherent sadness of the separation.
That is, of course, if you really want to work on these problems at all.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:49 AM on January 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Gender is so totally unimportant and immaterial to this problem.
Can you find ways to make your SO feel a little more like you miss her *outside* of your nightly conversations?
I am currently in a VERY temporary LDR situation (it's thankfully ending in about a month, or I would probably go insane). When feeling the great pangs of missing-ness it's easy to save them up where they only get aired out in that nightly phone call. Perhaps you can help SO to feel better more often, if your nightly phone call is the only place for SO to feel connected to you.
Some ideas:
Send "just thinking of you!" texts when you can, throughout the day.
Send ecards.
Send flowers.
Update your facebook status with a message special for SO.
Always know when you're going to see eachother next.
Consistently remind SO that you're in it to win it.
If SO continues to need more reassurance than you can give, explain that you are doing your best while trying to maintain your life -- and explain how important it is that SO do the same during this time so that you're likely to be able to stay together.
Good luck!
posted by pazazygeek at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can you find ways to make your SO feel a little more like you miss her *outside* of your nightly conversations?
I am currently in a VERY temporary LDR situation (it's thankfully ending in about a month, or I would probably go insane). When feeling the great pangs of missing-ness it's easy to save them up where they only get aired out in that nightly phone call. Perhaps you can help SO to feel better more often, if your nightly phone call is the only place for SO to feel connected to you.
Some ideas:
Send "just thinking of you!" texts when you can, throughout the day.
Send ecards.
Send flowers.
Update your facebook status with a message special for SO.
Always know when you're going to see eachother next.
Consistently remind SO that you're in it to win it.
If SO continues to need more reassurance than you can give, explain that you are doing your best while trying to maintain your life -- and explain how important it is that SO do the same during this time so that you're likely to be able to stay together.
Good luck!
posted by pazazygeek at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Haha. I said "her". I'm a giant jerk. Her or HIM.
posted by pazazygeek at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2010
posted by pazazygeek at 12:03 PM on January 19, 2010
Posting anonymously is a privilege you should not abuse. Playing kid games like "guess my gender" is insulting to the people that would otherwise be interested in giving you a thoughtful answer.
When you post anonymously as a means to draw attention to yourself, you begin to diminish the meaning and utility of the anonymous posting. Some people respect this community enough, and value the efforts of the people here trying to help, to ask brave anonymous questions that they simply couldn't come to ask otherwise.
It's your prerogative to post anonymously, but IMO, you posted a vague, "look-at-me" question that may fit the technical criteria for being here, but mostly managed to alienate. If this is something that you see happening in your life...this thing where other people question your veracity despite your clumsy cleverness, you may want to step back and take a look at that. Of course, I could be full of crap. In the hope that I am off base here, I would answer (genuinely) as follows:
It probably isn't a good idea to continue a long-distance relationship with someone you do not look forward to talking to on the phone. Neither of you is benefiting from your condescension in stringing along a long-distance, emotionally difficult relationship while you decide whether it might be more fun to pursue attention from someone else.
posted by nickjadlowe at 12:14 PM on January 19, 2010 [7 favorites]
When you post anonymously as a means to draw attention to yourself, you begin to diminish the meaning and utility of the anonymous posting. Some people respect this community enough, and value the efforts of the people here trying to help, to ask brave anonymous questions that they simply couldn't come to ask otherwise.
It's your prerogative to post anonymously, but IMO, you posted a vague, "look-at-me" question that may fit the technical criteria for being here, but mostly managed to alienate. If this is something that you see happening in your life...this thing where other people question your veracity despite your clumsy cleverness, you may want to step back and take a look at that. Of course, I could be full of crap. In the hope that I am off base here, I would answer (genuinely) as follows:
It probably isn't a good idea to continue a long-distance relationship with someone you do not look forward to talking to on the phone. Neither of you is benefiting from your condescension in stringing along a long-distance, emotionally difficult relationship while you decide whether it might be more fun to pursue attention from someone else.
posted by nickjadlowe at 12:14 PM on January 19, 2010 [7 favorites]
nickjadlowe, I disagree. I don't think gender matters in this question. Although I assumed the OP was male, I could have written the same letter in a couple of circumstances, and I'd likely have written it genderless so that I could avoid the sort of "all women feel/do X while all men feel/do Y" BS I get from my mother.
I don't have any advice for the OP, but I've been in the same position and worried a bit that I was defective in some way when I didn't seem to have received the same script as whoever I was dating. This turned out to be a combination of it being a bad match in general, and my partner expecting particular reactions that I was supposed to just divine. I run into the expectations and assumptions problem a lot less now that I'm older, so I'm guessing it's just an age thing.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:31 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't have any advice for the OP, but I've been in the same position and worried a bit that I was defective in some way when I didn't seem to have received the same script as whoever I was dating. This turned out to be a combination of it being a bad match in general, and my partner expecting particular reactions that I was supposed to just divine. I run into the expectations and assumptions problem a lot less now that I'm older, so I'm guessing it's just an age thing.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:31 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Uh, what? I can see how your relationship is muddled if this is your usual communication style. I have no idea what you're actually trying to say here but I think the jist is that you're not totally into your relationship and even though you say you'd be ok being alone, the reality is that you can't quite pull the pin. I dunno. Something like that? And something about feeling bad about not feeling sad even though you think you should be sad?
If I got that right, you're just not feelin' it. So give the other gender-neutral person the benefit of moving on to someone who is involved with someone who is feelin' it. And give yourself that, too, by making a clean break here.
Also, I'd recommend examing your communication style because it does seem a bit murky and therefore alienating. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who speaks in pseudo-poetic verse, particularly a long distance one since those types of liaisons thrive on being articulate. However, my suspicion is that you are at a point in life where you don't know your own self well enough to do that yet (not a criticism, an observation). It's ok not to know what you want, just be cautious not to pull others into your wake during that process as it can be quite painful for that person.
posted by December at 12:34 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I got that right, you're just not feelin' it. So give the other gender-neutral person the benefit of moving on to someone who is involved with someone who is feelin' it. And give yourself that, too, by making a clean break here.
Also, I'd recommend examing your communication style because it does seem a bit murky and therefore alienating. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who speaks in pseudo-poetic verse, particularly a long distance one since those types of liaisons thrive on being articulate. However, my suspicion is that you are at a point in life where you don't know your own self well enough to do that yet (not a criticism, an observation). It's ok not to know what you want, just be cautious not to pull others into your wake during that process as it can be quite painful for that person.
posted by December at 12:34 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think gender matter to the question at all either, I'm a woman and I could have written the same question at a point or two in the past.
However, the OP didn't post it like "I don't want gender to interfere with the answers so I'll leave it out". They posted it as a challenge or some kind of tantalizing riddle for us to solve. By the way, it was the phrasing of that challenge, not anything about the actual question that made me say the asker is a guy, and I would never have tried to guess a gender in a less "provocatively" worded gender free question.
posted by crabintheocean at 12:40 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
However, the OP didn't post it like "I don't want gender to interfere with the answers so I'll leave it out". They posted it as a challenge or some kind of tantalizing riddle for us to solve. By the way, it was the phrasing of that challenge, not anything about the actual question that made me say the asker is a guy, and I would never have tried to guess a gender in a less "provocatively" worded gender free question.
posted by crabintheocean at 12:40 PM on January 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, it's not really that your voice doesn't get sad. It's the fact that you don't feel sad that is what probably bothers your SO and makes him/her feel insecure in the relationship.
The more secure your SO feels, the fewer tears and clinginess there will be. The SO probably feels that they have to prompt you to get any reassurance out of you. So they prompt you more and more by showing you how upset they are and trying to get you to talk about commitment and show some sadness yourself. The more they do this, the more you withdraw, as you say (the fun being drowned out reduces the commitment things in your mind).
This cycle doesn't have to continue. I think pazazygeek completely has it on this point. If you concretely demonstrate to your SO that you're thinking of them, not forgetting them, and that you love them, then they won't have to grasp at you so much. You do not have to act or sound sad per se, to show that you love/are thinking of them. Pazazygeek's suggestions are all good.
I just also want to say that your SO may be assuming that everyone is reassured by hearing that their LDR partner is really hurting and missing them, because that is what would reassure your SO. That may be why your SO is doing it so much- a part of them may think it makes you feel good and secure in a way. There is a book that always get mentioned around here- The 5 Love Languages. It is about how different people need different things from their partners to feel loved and valued, and often the partners don't realize there is a difference there- they just know they're not getting what they need, or they ARE getting what the don't want, and feel not properly loved, like their SO is just doing it wrong. So I think it might be worthwhile to have a very honest talk with your SO about your respective needs in the relationship, what makes you feel like it's stable and happy.
Now, maybe in the past you have been partly staying in relationships because you don't want to be alone; you're in a new, exciting stage of life; many other people are interested in you and there is a part of you that has noted that. I don't think there's anything wrong with breaking up and exploring those things. But I think if you are worried that you are just afraid of commitment, I think it would be worth it to make a good faith effort to fix the problems in your relationship, first.
Finally, I would caution you to be careful in these serious commitment talks with your SO. If you really are this unsure about the future, I think it's really not fair to talk commitment with them. You would be a really stand-up guy/gal if you stay honest with them instead of telling them what they want to hear; this includes not operating on technicalities and leading them to or allowing them to believe something that isn't accurate, even if you've technically told the truth. (Not that I'm saying you do this, it's just easy for people to fall into doing when they really don't want to hurt a person they care about.)
posted by Ashley801 at 12:52 PM on January 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
The more secure your SO feels, the fewer tears and clinginess there will be. The SO probably feels that they have to prompt you to get any reassurance out of you. So they prompt you more and more by showing you how upset they are and trying to get you to talk about commitment and show some sadness yourself. The more they do this, the more you withdraw, as you say (the fun being drowned out reduces the commitment things in your mind).
This cycle doesn't have to continue. I think pazazygeek completely has it on this point. If you concretely demonstrate to your SO that you're thinking of them, not forgetting them, and that you love them, then they won't have to grasp at you so much. You do not have to act or sound sad per se, to show that you love/are thinking of them. Pazazygeek's suggestions are all good.
I just also want to say that your SO may be assuming that everyone is reassured by hearing that their LDR partner is really hurting and missing them, because that is what would reassure your SO. That may be why your SO is doing it so much- a part of them may think it makes you feel good and secure in a way. There is a book that always get mentioned around here- The 5 Love Languages. It is about how different people need different things from their partners to feel loved and valued, and often the partners don't realize there is a difference there- they just know they're not getting what they need, or they ARE getting what the don't want, and feel not properly loved, like their SO is just doing it wrong. So I think it might be worthwhile to have a very honest talk with your SO about your respective needs in the relationship, what makes you feel like it's stable and happy.
Now, maybe in the past you have been partly staying in relationships because you don't want to be alone; you're in a new, exciting stage of life; many other people are interested in you and there is a part of you that has noted that. I don't think there's anything wrong with breaking up and exploring those things. But I think if you are worried that you are just afraid of commitment, I think it would be worth it to make a good faith effort to fix the problems in your relationship, first.
Finally, I would caution you to be careful in these serious commitment talks with your SO. If you really are this unsure about the future, I think it's really not fair to talk commitment with them. You would be a really stand-up guy/gal if you stay honest with them instead of telling them what they want to hear; this includes not operating on technicalities and leading them to or allowing them to believe something that isn't accurate, even if you've technically told the truth. (Not that I'm saying you do this, it's just easy for people to fall into doing when they really don't want to hurt a person they care about.)
posted by Ashley801 at 12:52 PM on January 19, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your post is really vague, so I'm going to answer your question by asking questions. These are things you really need to think about:
1) Do you miss your SO at all? Do you think about her when she's not around?
2) How do you think you would actually feel if you broke up-- don't just think about how you'd feel if you dumped her, but if she dumped you, or if you mutually decided to end it.
3) What are your plans with her for the long term.
Don't make any promises you don't intend on keeping. If you right now really believe that you want to be with her long-term, that's fine. If you're really unsure about being with her long-term, don't talk to her in terms of being together indefinitely, and maybe think about a good way to end it. You're wasting her time if you drag things out because you're too much of a wuss to break up with her when that's what you really want to do. She deserves the chance to move on sooner rather than later if that's what you want.
posted by fructose at 1:05 PM on January 19, 2010
1) Do you miss your SO at all? Do you think about her when she's not around?
2) How do you think you would actually feel if you broke up-- don't just think about how you'd feel if you dumped her, but if she dumped you, or if you mutually decided to end it.
3) What are your plans with her for the long term.
Don't make any promises you don't intend on keeping. If you right now really believe that you want to be with her long-term, that's fine. If you're really unsure about being with her long-term, don't talk to her in terms of being together indefinitely, and maybe think about a good way to end it. You're wasting her time if you drag things out because you're too much of a wuss to break up with her when that's what you really want to do. She deserves the chance to move on sooner rather than later if that's what you want.
posted by fructose at 1:05 PM on January 19, 2010
And on preview, I definitely agree with Ashley801 that she might be so clingy and tearful because you seem cold and detached from her. The fact that you don't really seem to miss or care for her probably upsets her more than if she felt that you were both on the same page about wanting to see each other. It doesn't matter if you don't have a "sad voice," you can show her through the words you use how you feel about her. You could also show her through romantic gestures.
posted by fructose at 1:06 PM on January 19, 2010
posted by fructose at 1:06 PM on January 19, 2010
to clarify:
I'm not criticizing the idea of gender neutrality in questions. People are obviously free to form their question how they please. Presumably, the quality of their answers will reflect both the questioner's ability to ask well-formed questions, and the perceived motivations for asking the question. This is especially the case for anonymous questions, as these questions often carry with them a sense of "weight."
One might put quite a bit of effort into giving an answer to a poorly worded question that was clearly difficult, but important, for a shy person to ask. One might put considerably less effort into answering a cleverly worded, yet anonymous, "is-it-really-that-wrong-for-me-to-do-this-sketchy-thing-I-really-want-to-do-despite-knowing-it's-sketchy?"
OP: Sorry about the non-gendered language, for some reason it seemed like the way to go and a bit of a challenge. Just guess, I don't mind if you think I'm a *
But when presented as some sort of clumsy "challenge," and encouraged to "guess," the OP has called attention away from the point of the question in an attempt to make it somehow more...I don't know...amusing? The OP is now an unreliable narrator of his/her own drama.
And for the OP to assume they are coincidentally teaching us about how to avoid the tricky pitfalls of gender biasing our answers, again makes me think they are more concerned with things other than their original question. And that just leaves me cold. Especially when the important, in my mind, anonymous tag is used.
posted by nickjadlowe at 1:15 PM on January 19, 2010
I'm not criticizing the idea of gender neutrality in questions. People are obviously free to form their question how they please. Presumably, the quality of their answers will reflect both the questioner's ability to ask well-formed questions, and the perceived motivations for asking the question. This is especially the case for anonymous questions, as these questions often carry with them a sense of "weight."
One might put quite a bit of effort into giving an answer to a poorly worded question that was clearly difficult, but important, for a shy person to ask. One might put considerably less effort into answering a cleverly worded, yet anonymous, "is-it-really-that-wrong-for-me-to-do-this-sketchy-thing-I-really-want-to-do-despite-knowing-it's-sketchy?"
OP: Sorry about the non-gendered language, for some reason it seemed like the way to go and a bit of a challenge. Just guess, I don't mind if you think I'm a *
But when presented as some sort of clumsy "challenge," and encouraged to "guess," the OP has called attention away from the point of the question in an attempt to make it somehow more...I don't know...amusing? The OP is now an unreliable narrator of his/her own drama.
And for the OP to assume they are coincidentally teaching us about how to avoid the tricky pitfalls of gender biasing our answers, again makes me think they are more concerned with things other than their original question. And that just leaves me cold. Especially when the important, in my mind, anonymous tag is used.
posted by nickjadlowe at 1:15 PM on January 19, 2010
What I got from your description is:
-- you're uncomfortable being the recipient of sad feelings because of your partner missing you.
-- you're wondering whether the fact that you are less cut up about the long-distance thing means that your commitment to the relationship is less profound.
-- it also sounds like you're concerned that by holding on to this neither of you has the space to be really involved in your lives in your respective homes.
From your description of what is going on, though, it sounds like essentially you're in a relationship in which at the moment one of you needs more support than the other. It might be worth pointing that the need for support or closeness in a relationship ebbs and flows. I don't know if you should stay together or break up or what, but either way at some point in the future you probably will be in a situation where you need to give a partner support, or in which you lean on someone when you're going through a rough spot.
If you stay together, there may be a time in the future when your partner is super-psyched in the post-college bubble of travel, sudden liberty, being able to make more active choices about their life -- and you will be the one needing more time with them.
Also, I suspect she doesn't have that much going on in her life besides school and you, thus the overfocus on missing you.
I second desjardins here. For myself, I found being in college stressful, difficult, and quite isolating because (final year of college plus a part-time job) I didn't have enough time to hang out with friends, develop hobbies and other interests and so on. I found myself leaning on close friendships (and, yes, my then-boyfriend) rather than making new friends because I flat-out didn't have the time and energy to do so. As counterintuitive as this may be, missing you probably isn't all about you. There is probably presence of crud plus absence of awesome in your partner's life, which is giving the pain of missing you an extra sting.
I'm not saying this because his/her feelings are not valid, but because there might be something going on behind the scenes in your partner's life which means that he or she is finding the long-distance thing harder than you are.
I'm also not sure whether you should guage the long-term prospects of a relationship based on how sad you feel when you are apart. The feeling that you describe of "no longer [being] petrified of aloneness if this ends" sounds healthy, to me, rather than meaning complete ambivalence. If you do feel completely ambivalent, that would be a different matter, but that isn't what I understood from your question.
As ever, I am a stranger on the internet and it is possible this has been a ramble in which I project my own issues and is generally totally off-base. Good luck!
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 1:17 PM on January 19, 2010
-- you're uncomfortable being the recipient of sad feelings because of your partner missing you.
-- you're wondering whether the fact that you are less cut up about the long-distance thing means that your commitment to the relationship is less profound.
-- it also sounds like you're concerned that by holding on to this neither of you has the space to be really involved in your lives in your respective homes.
From your description of what is going on, though, it sounds like essentially you're in a relationship in which at the moment one of you needs more support than the other. It might be worth pointing that the need for support or closeness in a relationship ebbs and flows. I don't know if you should stay together or break up or what, but either way at some point in the future you probably will be in a situation where you need to give a partner support, or in which you lean on someone when you're going through a rough spot.
If you stay together, there may be a time in the future when your partner is super-psyched in the post-college bubble of travel, sudden liberty, being able to make more active choices about their life -- and you will be the one needing more time with them.
Also, I suspect she doesn't have that much going on in her life besides school and you, thus the overfocus on missing you.
I second desjardins here. For myself, I found being in college stressful, difficult, and quite isolating because (final year of college plus a part-time job) I didn't have enough time to hang out with friends, develop hobbies and other interests and so on. I found myself leaning on close friendships (and, yes, my then-boyfriend) rather than making new friends because I flat-out didn't have the time and energy to do so. As counterintuitive as this may be, missing you probably isn't all about you. There is probably presence of crud plus absence of awesome in your partner's life, which is giving the pain of missing you an extra sting.
I'm not saying this because his/her feelings are not valid, but because there might be something going on behind the scenes in your partner's life which means that he or she is finding the long-distance thing harder than you are.
I'm also not sure whether you should guage the long-term prospects of a relationship based on how sad you feel when you are apart. The feeling that you describe of "no longer [being] petrified of aloneness if this ends" sounds healthy, to me, rather than meaning complete ambivalence. If you do feel completely ambivalent, that would be a different matter, but that isn't what I understood from your question.
As ever, I am a stranger on the internet and it is possible this has been a ramble in which I project my own issues and is generally totally off-base. Good luck!
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 1:17 PM on January 19, 2010
Just wanted to quote this for truth:
It's ok not to know what you want, just be cautious not to pull others into your wake during that process as it can be quite painful for that person.
and also this, which I think is essentially the same idea, put more bluntly:
Neither of you is benefiting from your condescension in stringing along a long-distance, emotionally difficult relationship while you decide whether it might be more fun to pursue attention from someone else.
And I just wanted to add that you might want to consider what being in a serious relationship means to you, before you talk about/commit to being in one. How is this relationship different from a casual relationship, other than in expectations of monogamy?
posted by Ashley801 at 5:29 PM on January 19, 2010
It's ok not to know what you want, just be cautious not to pull others into your wake during that process as it can be quite painful for that person.
and also this, which I think is essentially the same idea, put more bluntly:
Neither of you is benefiting from your condescension in stringing along a long-distance, emotionally difficult relationship while you decide whether it might be more fun to pursue attention from someone else.
And I just wanted to add that you might want to consider what being in a serious relationship means to you, before you talk about/commit to being in one. How is this relationship different from a casual relationship, other than in expectations of monogamy?
posted by Ashley801 at 5:29 PM on January 19, 2010
I get the impression that the sole act of your posting this question here, in the language you used, shows that you want to end the relationship.
As to why you really chose to leave the genders out and then point it out at the end as if it's some kind of joke or challenge for us to "guess the gender," well, people guess you're a guy, and maybe you are. It doesn't really matter. I, as a woman, have been in your shoes more than once in a long-distance relationship, with two different outcomes depending on how interested I actually was in maintaining the relationship.
But it sounds to me like your significant other has become more of a burden or chore for you to deal with than anything, and you're looking for an out.
posted by wondermouse at 7:12 PM on January 19, 2010
As to why you really chose to leave the genders out and then point it out at the end as if it's some kind of joke or challenge for us to "guess the gender," well, people guess you're a guy, and maybe you are. It doesn't really matter. I, as a woman, have been in your shoes more than once in a long-distance relationship, with two different outcomes depending on how interested I actually was in maintaining the relationship.
But it sounds to me like your significant other has become more of a burden or chore for you to deal with than anything, and you're looking for an out.
posted by wondermouse at 7:12 PM on January 19, 2010
As far as question goes, I don't get happy. This is a bit of a problem. Also, the first part of question I've had that is getting to the 'real part' level is getting weird. I don't know what to do.
Seriously, I hope you don't speak this crazy Gollem / Yoda language when your on the phone with the SO.
To answer your 'question', dude, shit or get off the pot.
posted by jasondigitized at 8:10 AM on January 20, 2010
Seriously, I hope you don't speak this crazy Gollem / Yoda language when your on the phone with the SO.
To answer your 'question', dude, shit or get off the pot.
posted by jasondigitized at 8:10 AM on January 20, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
In my particular case, we dated long distance for 9 months until he told me that he thought we were in different places, and that the relationship wasn't making either of us happy (I would often call him crying about missing him, how hard it was being apart, etc.). We broke up.
It was probably the best thing that ever happened to our relationship - we both learned how to establish lives in our respective places without each other, and we reconnected a few months later and were able to have a much healthier relationship. We reconnected while I was still in school and continued to date long distance for two more years, but we were both in places where we were able to feel more confident in our decision to do so.
In summary, tell your SO that you are thinking these things. Not that other people are asking you out, but that you worry that the relationship isn't making either of you happy anymore. That is the real problem.
posted by CharlieSue at 10:47 AM on January 19, 2010