Whyyyy is she so far aaaway from meeeee?
January 16, 2010 11:52 AM Subscribe
I met my perfect girl on OKCupid. Unfortunately she lives 45667 thousand miles away in pennsylivania. How feasable is a long distance relationship these days? I mean we can chat anytime online and plane tickets are cheap enough that I could easily fly to pennsylvania every few months. And we're both uni students with nothing tying us down so we could move to the same country in a couple years (i've always wanted to live in the states)
Also, we had a couple of really long conversations a few weeks ago but I haven't heard from her since. I've left a bunch of messages and winks but she hasn't replied. As far as I can tell I haven't said anything creepy or threatening (although I don't have alot of experience with these things) so I'm hoping she's just being shy (she's only 18). Even if she has no interest in me romantically, we share exactly the same interests and exactly the same opinions so I'd be happy if she was just my long distance friend.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Do not use askme to fuck with people. -- cortex
First, I don't believe one can actually get 45,000+ miles away from someone else and still be on the planet.
If you haven't already, why not let her know that you'd be happy if she were just your long distance friend. It might remove any pressure that may feel about the unfolding relationship.
Best of luck Andy.
posted by clancy at 12:01 PM on January 16, 2010
If you haven't already, why not let her know that you'd be happy if she were just your long distance friend. It might remove any pressure that may feel about the unfolding relationship.
Best of luck Andy.
posted by clancy at 12:01 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: We know what each looks like and we've had hours long coversations. That's the next best thing to meeting IRL IMO.
(I'm using "prefect girl" as a figure of speach. She's a cute girl I really like and I'm wondering if a relationship is possible and I'm dissapointed that I haven't been able to talk to her for a while)
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:02 PM on January 16, 2010
(I'm using "prefect girl" as a figure of speach. She's a cute girl I really like and I'm wondering if a relationship is possible and I'm dissapointed that I haven't been able to talk to her for a while)
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:02 PM on January 16, 2010
As mentioned by clancy... you might want to do a google map for a better route, 'cuz the one you're using sucks..
that said... don't over think this... continue to communicate, visit at some point. but don't put all your eggs in this particular basket.
posted by HuronBob at 12:03 PM on January 16, 2010
that said... don't over think this... continue to communicate, visit at some point. but don't put all your eggs in this particular basket.
posted by HuronBob at 12:03 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: "First, I don't believe one can actually get 45,000+ miles away from someone else and still be on the planet. "
You can if you're exaggerating for comic effect
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:04 PM on January 16, 2010
You can if you're exaggerating for comic effect
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:04 PM on January 16, 2010
and, the 'no messages' thing doesn't bode well....
I think if I were you , I would shop around closer to home!
posted by HuronBob at 12:04 PM on January 16, 2010
I think if I were you , I would shop around closer to home!
posted by HuronBob at 12:04 PM on January 16, 2010
Also, we had a couple of really long conversations a few weeks ago but I haven't heard from her since. I've left a bunch of messages and winks but she hasn't replied
Back off. As far as I can tell, she's probably not interested. If she is, she will be in touch, but holy cow, please bring it down a notch. The ball is in her court.
posted by sunshinesky at 12:05 PM on January 16, 2010 [8 favorites]
Back off. As far as I can tell, she's probably not interested. If she is, she will be in touch, but holy cow, please bring it down a notch. The ball is in her court.
posted by sunshinesky at 12:05 PM on January 16, 2010 [8 favorites]
Hold back on the idolization. You perceive her as the perfect girl. That's due to a mixture of you not wanting to see flaws and her not wanting to show them. It's easier to hide when all you do is talk on the computer through chat or call each other on the phone/Skype.
Aim for friend. It's not fair or realistic to tie an 18 year old girl down to such a long distance relationship and it's not fair to you either.
Bottom line is that if she's not at present talking to you, you really shouldn't be signing up for the wedding registry just yet.
posted by inturnaround at 12:05 PM on January 16, 2010
Aim for friend. It's not fair or realistic to tie an 18 year old girl down to such a long distance relationship and it's not fair to you either.
Bottom line is that if she's not at present talking to you, you really shouldn't be signing up for the wedding registry just yet.
posted by inturnaround at 12:05 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: Note: She hasn't been replying to my messages but OKCupid has informed me that she has been looking at my profile
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:06 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:06 PM on January 16, 2010
She hasn't replied to you in weeks? Sorry, she's just not into you.
posted by pdx87 at 12:07 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by pdx87 at 12:07 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: I think it was a mistake to say she's my perfect girl. She's someone I'm very attracted to who I get along really well with.
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:07 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:07 PM on January 16, 2010
If she hasn't messaged you back in two weeks BUT she has access to look at your profile....time for you to start looking elsewhere. Because this train has left the station.
Without you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:08 PM on January 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
Without you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:08 PM on January 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I don't follow your logic st. alia
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:12 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:12 PM on January 16, 2010
Dude, if you are coming off to her like you are to me here (breathlessly awaiting every message here so you can reply to us) then I can imagine you coming off way to strong for her, too. Back it off, sir, or you can toss out the possibility of friendship with her as well.
posted by inturnaround at 12:12 PM on January 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 12:12 PM on January 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm trying to reply to every message as it comes in so I can be sure I'm not misunderstanding anything. It doesn't take alot of effort to keep my computer on this page while I listen to a randy newman album.
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:14 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:14 PM on January 16, 2010
Best answer: Even if she has no interest in me romantically, we share exactly the same interests and exactly the same opinions so I'd be happy if she was just my long distance friend.
It might be worth letting her know this. I agree with the folks above that it's generally a bad sign when communication goes all one-sided like this. But it's certainly possible that she's interested in you as a friend, and keeping her distance only because she doesn't want anything more than that.
Having an email buddy a few thousand miles away is much, much easier than having a girlfriend at that distance.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:14 PM on January 16, 2010
It might be worth letting her know this. I agree with the folks above that it's generally a bad sign when communication goes all one-sided like this. But it's certainly possible that she's interested in you as a friend, and keeping her distance only because she doesn't want anything more than that.
Having an email buddy a few thousand miles away is much, much easier than having a girlfriend at that distance.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:14 PM on January 16, 2010
St Alia's logic is that she's clearly online, about to log into the site, has the time to look at your profile, and has shown no desire -- at all -- to communicate with you. She has no interest in you, and it's time for you to drop it. Sorry.
posted by brainmouse at 12:16 PM on January 16, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 12:16 PM on January 16, 2010 [4 favorites]
The logic is that she is obviously still using the site, if she has looked at your profile. However, although she is using the site (ostensibly for other purposes, such as talking to other people -- let's face it, she's probably not using it just to look at your profile and then not contact you), she's choosing not to reply to your messages. She's not interested.
posted by srrh at 12:16 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by srrh at 12:16 PM on January 16, 2010
sorry, "about to log in" should be "able to log in"
posted by brainmouse at 12:17 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by brainmouse at 12:17 PM on January 16, 2010
Best answer: D'oh, should have previews. Either way, Andy Harwood, you're making the common mistake of marking as best answer the ones that agree with you in some way, rather than looking at what the general consensus of answers is and gleaning new information from that. Consider why most people are saying the same thing to you.
posted by srrh at 12:17 PM on January 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by srrh at 12:17 PM on January 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: "St Alia's logic is that she's clearly online, about to log into the site, has the time to look at your profile, and has shown no desire -- at all -- to communicate with you. She has no interest in you, and it's time for you to drop it. Sorry."
that's possible but isn't it also possible that she logged into the site because she got a message in her inbox saying I sent her a message but she didn't reply because she couldn't think of anything to say because she's a shy 18 year old? That's what I would have done if OKCupid was around when I was a shy 18 year old.
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:19 PM on January 16, 2010
that's possible but isn't it also possible that she logged into the site because she got a message in her inbox saying I sent her a message but she didn't reply because she couldn't think of anything to say because she's a shy 18 year old? That's what I would have done if OKCupid was around when I was a shy 18 year old.
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:19 PM on January 16, 2010
She's had several weeks. She hasn't even winked back. She has NO INTEREST in communicating with you, or she would have. It's really time to give up.
posted by brainmouse at 12:20 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 12:20 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
She isn't into you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:21 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:21 PM on January 16, 2010
that's possible but isn't it also possible that she logged into the site because she got a message in her inbox saying I sent her a message but she didn't reply because she couldn't think of anything to say because she's a shy 18 year old? That's what I would have done if OKCupid was around when I was a shy 18 year old.
Please go back and read this again. If this still makes any sense to you whatsoever you have a problem.
I'm not trying to be funny.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:24 PM on January 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
Please go back and read this again. If this still makes any sense to you whatsoever you have a problem.
I'm not trying to be funny.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:24 PM on January 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
For a long distance relationship to work you both would need unnaturally good communication skills. You don't seem to, and if she is too shy to even send you a message then neither does she.
Not going to work.
posted by emilyw at 12:26 PM on January 16, 2010
Not going to work.
posted by emilyw at 12:26 PM on January 16, 2010
And let me give you some unasked for advice here. You are coming across like the type of dude I would warn my daughters about. The kind that sets off GREAT BIG HONKING RED FLAGS. You might be a very nice guy, we don't know you, but this type of behavior many times is hooked up to guys who turn out to be ...problematic. Stalkers, control freaks, abusers.
Not saying that you are any of the above. But just judging from your behavior on this thread, if this were my daughter I'd throw my beloved computer into the Atlantic Ocean before I'd let her anywhere near you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:27 PM on January 16, 2010 [17 favorites]
Not saying that you are any of the above. But just judging from your behavior on this thread, if this were my daughter I'd throw my beloved computer into the Atlantic Ocean before I'd let her anywhere near you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:27 PM on January 16, 2010 [17 favorites]
Response by poster: "D'oh, should have previews. Either way, Andy Harwood, you're making the common mistake of marking as best answer the ones that agree with you in some way, rather than looking at what the general consensus of answers is and gleaning new information from that. Consider why most people are saying the same thing to you."
I marked this as the best answer because it gave me the idea to explicitly tell her that I'd be ok with just being friends. I'm reading and considering every answer, hoping to find useful info (which I've recieved from many of you). I have confidence in my own opinion (which is what self-confidence means) and it's impossible for me (and for everyone) to hold someone elses opinion.
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:27 PM on January 16, 2010
I marked this as the best answer because it gave me the idea to explicitly tell her that I'd be ok with just being friends. I'm reading and considering every answer, hoping to find useful info (which I've recieved from many of you). I have confidence in my own opinion (which is what self-confidence means) and it's impossible for me (and for everyone) to hold someone elses opinion.
posted by Andy Harwood at 12:27 PM on January 16, 2010
Really, stop messaging her. She would have responded if she had any interest in communicating with you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:32 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:32 PM on January 16, 2010
isn't it also possible that she logged into the site because she got a message in her inbox saying I sent her a message but she didn't reply because she couldn't think of anything to say because she's a shy 18 year old?
Possible, but unlikely. People tend to get less shy as they get to know someone, not more shy, and you two had already had several conversations. She's probably just not interested. Or maybe her computer is broken, or maybe she was abducted by aliens- the lesson to learn is that there's no way to guess why somebody stops communication with you. All you can do is take the hint and move on to meeting new people.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:34 PM on January 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Possible, but unlikely. People tend to get less shy as they get to know someone, not more shy, and you two had already had several conversations. She's probably just not interested. Or maybe her computer is broken, or maybe she was abducted by aliens- the lesson to learn is that there's no way to guess why somebody stops communication with you. All you can do is take the hint and move on to meeting new people.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:34 PM on January 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I doubt highly that she's into you. That's what it means when messages trickle off. I'm sorry, but you kind of sound like you're on the outskirts of stalker-town here. Try again with a girl closer by.
Question worth answering: How old are you?
Questions worth asking yourself: does the argumentative johnny-on-the-spot style of your participation in this thread resemble at all your style on OkCupid? If so, might it be worth exploring the idea of dialing down the pressure?
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:41 PM on January 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Question worth answering: How old are you?
Questions worth asking yourself: does the argumentative johnny-on-the-spot style of your participation in this thread resemble at all your style on OkCupid? If so, might it be worth exploring the idea of dialing down the pressure?
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:41 PM on January 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
While you can have a long distance relationship (ms scruss and I lived on separate continents for four years before we were married, and many were the £100 phone calls) 'never met' pretty much means 'no relationship'.
posted by scruss at 12:46 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by scruss at 12:46 PM on January 16, 2010
We know what each looks like and we've had hours long coversations. That's the next best thing to meeting IRL IMO.
It's not even close. It's really really not. I've met online people and the whole relationship changes, no matter how long or how well you knew them before. Often things work out wonderfully but you simply can't know that until it happens. Physical chemistry is just so important, you can't properly start a relationship without spending a decent amount of time actually physically in the same place. So yeah, you're really way too far ahead of yourself in this, particularly given she hasn't even replied to you in two weeks.
Step back from the whole thing. Tell her you're happy to stay friends but make sure that you're not keeping her around holding out for it to become something more.
posted by shelleycat at 12:48 PM on January 16, 2010
It's not even close. It's really really not. I've met online people and the whole relationship changes, no matter how long or how well you knew them before. Often things work out wonderfully but you simply can't know that until it happens. Physical chemistry is just so important, you can't properly start a relationship without spending a decent amount of time actually physically in the same place. So yeah, you're really way too far ahead of yourself in this, particularly given she hasn't even replied to you in two weeks.
Step back from the whole thing. Tell her you're happy to stay friends but make sure that you're not keeping her around holding out for it to become something more.
posted by shelleycat at 12:48 PM on January 16, 2010
Oh also? If you tell her you're happy just being friends and she still doesn't reply? Please leave her alone after that.
posted by shelleycat at 12:50 PM on January 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by shelleycat at 12:50 PM on January 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
Its already clear to me that you asked this question fishing for answers that would tell you what you wanted to hear. For example:
isn't it also possible that she logged into the site because she got a message in her inbox saying I sent her a message but she didn't reply because she couldn't think of anything to say because she's a shy 18 year old? That's what I would have done if OKCupid was around when I was a shy 18 year old.
Wow.
Anyway, here's my cold hard take on it:
How feasable is a long distance relationship these days?
Not very.
Feasible for a while if it started locally and there is an end timeframe in sight as to when it will be local again. I have endured a few relationships out of many that involved a long distance component and found in the end, that its much better to stay geographically proximate. Long distance is the wrong distance.
I've left a bunch of messages and winks but she hasn't replied.
Forget it. Move on. Find other girls. I know you think that she is, like, THE ONE, because you had some nice messages and some cool winks at each other - but fixating yourself on one person who is thousands of miles away and constantly thinking about what she might be thinking is bad news. Listen to the nice people here. You wanted answers, you got them...listen to what they are saying.
I'd be happy if she was just my long distance friend
No, you wouldn't.
You want her to be your friend because somewhere deep in the recesses of your brain you think that if she is your friend there might be the possibility for future romance. Stop it. Accept that your romantic desires as a man are ok to have, and don't mask them by saying that you would be fine "just being friends" when you wouldn't by way of the fact that you are ROMANTICALLY interested in this person. Its ok that shes not into you either. No worries. Leave it, be proud. Move on.
posted by jnnla at 12:54 PM on January 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
isn't it also possible that she logged into the site because she got a message in her inbox saying I sent her a message but she didn't reply because she couldn't think of anything to say because she's a shy 18 year old? That's what I would have done if OKCupid was around when I was a shy 18 year old.
Wow.
Anyway, here's my cold hard take on it:
How feasable is a long distance relationship these days?
Not very.
Feasible for a while if it started locally and there is an end timeframe in sight as to when it will be local again. I have endured a few relationships out of many that involved a long distance component and found in the end, that its much better to stay geographically proximate. Long distance is the wrong distance.
I've left a bunch of messages and winks but she hasn't replied.
Forget it. Move on. Find other girls. I know you think that she is, like, THE ONE, because you had some nice messages and some cool winks at each other - but fixating yourself on one person who is thousands of miles away and constantly thinking about what she might be thinking is bad news. Listen to the nice people here. You wanted answers, you got them...listen to what they are saying.
I'd be happy if she was just my long distance friend
No, you wouldn't.
You want her to be your friend because somewhere deep in the recesses of your brain you think that if she is your friend there might be the possibility for future romance. Stop it. Accept that your romantic desires as a man are ok to have, and don't mask them by saying that you would be fine "just being friends" when you wouldn't by way of the fact that you are ROMANTICALLY interested in this person. Its ok that shes not into you either. No worries. Leave it, be proud. Move on.
posted by jnnla at 12:54 PM on January 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think it's time to say, "Hey, I enjoyed talking to you, my AIM screenname is blahblahblah, hit me up if you'd like to chat sometime."
And then leave it.
posted by christinetheslp at 12:56 PM on January 16, 2010
And then leave it.
posted by christinetheslp at 12:56 PM on January 16, 2010
Mod note: A couple comments removed. Andy, linking to off-site quotes of your exchange here is kind of weird and not-okay behavior. Please don't do that. If this askme can help you, great, but leave it at that.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:56 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:56 PM on January 16, 2010
Andy, you need to relax. I'm not sure why you're in such a rush as you're both so young. As much as online dating sites might make meeting people easier, it also lacks a fundamental piece that comes along with meeting people in person. You miss out on body chemistry, facial cues, gestures and so much more.
There is no way that talking to someone on the phone or online parallels the experience of meeting them in person. Thinking anywhere along those lines is foolish.
Let me re-iterate. Relax. Do whatever it takes to take your mind off this situation as it's obviously festering and no good will come of this. She'll interpret it differently than you intend and not only will it end the friendship, you could scare her off. You mention repeatedly that she is a "shy 18 year-old". If this is true, the last thing she'll want is some intense older guy hounding her.
Give her some space. Also, relax.
posted by purephase at 1:08 PM on January 16, 2010
There is no way that talking to someone on the phone or online parallels the experience of meeting them in person. Thinking anywhere along those lines is foolish.
Let me re-iterate. Relax. Do whatever it takes to take your mind off this situation as it's obviously festering and no good will come of this. She'll interpret it differently than you intend and not only will it end the friendship, you could scare her off. You mention repeatedly that she is a "shy 18 year-old". If this is true, the last thing she'll want is some intense older guy hounding her.
Give her some space. Also, relax.
posted by purephase at 1:08 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: I've been asked to inform you all that I'm 23 and I've never had a serious girlfriend
posted by Andy Harwood at 1:10 PM on January 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Andy Harwood at 1:10 PM on January 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, as a data point that is not exactly in tune with the tone of the thread as it stands but might be useful: flying may be cheap NOW but you never know when it'll suddenly stop being cheap. I was in an LDR for 3 years (trans-California, not trans-Atlantic) and when we started being long distance we could fly to see each other for $80 r/t if we planned in advance. Then gas prices went way, way up and the price of seeing each other doubled for a while. We were both students at the time and while we were lucky enough to be able to make the relationship work and make ends meet, I know many people who could not have afforded that extra $80 once a month.
Think about whether you could still afford to see the person you love if tickets doubled in price. That's a calculation you MUST make when you're contemplating a long-distance relationship. If you don't think you could swing it, spare yourself the heartache.
posted by crinklebat at 1:24 PM on January 16, 2010
Think about whether you could still afford to see the person you love if tickets doubled in price. That's a calculation you MUST make when you're contemplating a long-distance relationship. If you don't think you could swing it, spare yourself the heartache.
posted by crinklebat at 1:24 PM on January 16, 2010
Knowing what someone looks like in selected two-dimensional images + emailing + talking on the phone =/= actually knowing someone. At best, you know some stuff about her, though even that is always suspect in the world of online dating. But regardless, that's not the same as knowing her. You've exchanged communications, but you haven't met her. It's hard to overstate the importance of in-person interactions.
And, in fact, you have solid evidence that she is not interested in you: she hasn't returned your communications in weeks even though you know she still has internet access (so it's not like there's some one-in-a-million chance that she's been in a coma or something).
I know that many people do the long-distance pseudo-dating thing that you're doing, but I don't understand why. You don't even live in the same country. You're thinking of (1) immigrating to the United States based on a fun series of communications with someone you've never met, or (2) being in a relationship with someone you'd only see "every few months"? Why? Option 1 (immigration) would surely be very burdensome, and option 2 (perpetual LDR) doesn't sound very fulfilling. I'm a big fan of online dating in general, but it only starts being really worthwhile (IME) when you make the switch from "online" to "dating" -- as in, not just having a sexy penpal, but actually spending time with someone, in person, on a regular basis. You apparently live in a town in England with a population of about 50,000. Even making a rough estimate that, say, only 3,000 of them are single women within your age range, you could be very choosy and still have hundreds of potential prospects.
On preview, the fact that you're 23 and haven't had a serious girlfriend suggests you might be pursuing unavailable women as a defense mechanism against the possibility of real intimacy. Far be it from me to psychoanalyze someone I've never met after everything I just said! But it's something to think about.
(One last point: as other people including a moderator have pointed out, linking, without comment, to your blog that quotes this thread itself in the middle of the thread is just weird and suggests you don't have a very good filter for what kinds of communications are in good taste. It's not that I think you've committed some kind of moral transgression by not clearing it with us first -- after all, do most people who quote something on AskMe or MeFi from outside sources ask those sources first? I highly doubt it. But you might want to think more before you type if you don't want to turn people off, especially if you're doing online dating.)
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:26 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
And, in fact, you have solid evidence that she is not interested in you: she hasn't returned your communications in weeks even though you know she still has internet access (so it's not like there's some one-in-a-million chance that she's been in a coma or something).
I know that many people do the long-distance pseudo-dating thing that you're doing, but I don't understand why. You don't even live in the same country. You're thinking of (1) immigrating to the United States based on a fun series of communications with someone you've never met, or (2) being in a relationship with someone you'd only see "every few months"? Why? Option 1 (immigration) would surely be very burdensome, and option 2 (perpetual LDR) doesn't sound very fulfilling. I'm a big fan of online dating in general, but it only starts being really worthwhile (IME) when you make the switch from "online" to "dating" -- as in, not just having a sexy penpal, but actually spending time with someone, in person, on a regular basis. You apparently live in a town in England with a population of about 50,000. Even making a rough estimate that, say, only 3,000 of them are single women within your age range, you could be very choosy and still have hundreds of potential prospects.
On preview, the fact that you're 23 and haven't had a serious girlfriend suggests you might be pursuing unavailable women as a defense mechanism against the possibility of real intimacy. Far be it from me to psychoanalyze someone I've never met after everything I just said! But it's something to think about.
(One last point: as other people including a moderator have pointed out, linking, without comment, to your blog that quotes this thread itself in the middle of the thread is just weird and suggests you don't have a very good filter for what kinds of communications are in good taste. It's not that I think you've committed some kind of moral transgression by not clearing it with us first -- after all, do most people who quote something on AskMe or MeFi from outside sources ask those sources first? I highly doubt it. But you might want to think more before you type if you don't want to turn people off, especially if you're doing online dating.)
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:26 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think you need to learn more about how online dating works. It's not at all unusual for two people to have communication through a dating site, and then one of the people --- with no notice at all to the other --- just becomes incommunicado. It's called "dropping off the face of the earth." It means, invariably, that the incommunicado person is not interested in you.
posted by jayder at 1:35 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by jayder at 1:35 PM on January 16, 2010
On the very isolated chance that she hasn't messaged you back because she's shy, additional messages from you will not help draw a response.
posted by drezdn at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by drezdn at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2010
Andy, what you might need to do is read up on online dating etiquette. When you are exchanging messages with someone and then they suddenly stop responding, even after you send more messages saying "Hey, where are you? Let's talk more!" or whatever, that means they are not into you and do not wish to communicate with you any longer.
Yes, even if they've been logging into the same site, or looking at your profile. Here's the thing, Andy, I used to be a user of OKCupid. And sometime I would chat with a guy on there and have a nice conversation, but have no interest in further communication, even though they were nice guys who had things in common with me. Unfortunately, many of those guys would do the same things you're doing -- they'd keep sending me winks and messages or trying to chat with me while I was logged in. Eventually, I would have to go to their profile and click on the button that blocks them from contacting me again.
It's beyond time to stop sending this girl messages. You're not intending to be creepy and off-putting, I'm sure, but that's exactly what you're doing by sending her message after message despite the fact that she has ceased responding. Move on, scrape your dignity off the floor, and find other people to talk to.
posted by palomar at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, even if they've been logging into the same site, or looking at your profile. Here's the thing, Andy, I used to be a user of OKCupid. And sometime I would chat with a guy on there and have a nice conversation, but have no interest in further communication, even though they were nice guys who had things in common with me. Unfortunately, many of those guys would do the same things you're doing -- they'd keep sending me winks and messages or trying to chat with me while I was logged in. Eventually, I would have to go to their profile and click on the button that blocks them from contacting me again.
It's beyond time to stop sending this girl messages. You're not intending to be creepy and off-putting, I'm sure, but that's exactly what you're doing by sending her message after message despite the fact that she has ceased responding. Move on, scrape your dignity off the floor, and find other people to talk to.
posted by palomar at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Long distance relationships are a bad idea 98% of the time, and this is absolutely in no uncertain terms most definitely not one of those magical 2% situations.
Also, and I know you will want to brush this off, but seriously: you are giving off a creepy vibe. Dismiss this at your own future peril.
posted by the bricabrac man at 1:49 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, and I know you will want to brush this off, but seriously: you are giving off a creepy vibe. Dismiss this at your own future peril.
posted by the bricabrac man at 1:49 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's very possible that, at this point, she's just deleting all your messages without reading them.
By all means, reach out an offer of friendship to her, but only if you are 100% okay with the following possibilities:
(1) There is no chance of this friendship growing into a romantic relationship. None. Ever ever ever. She will probably date someone else. If you really want to be friends, you have to be okay with all of that.
(2) She'll probably ignore the "but let's be friends" message too, and all subsequent messages, and you will probably never know why.
Either way you're not going to get what you want.
You're probably just going to do whatever you wanted to do before you asked this question, and it won't end well, and you'll be hurt, but you'll learn, and you'll get back up. That's how it works, and I don't blame you. Most of us are only in the position to tell you NO NO NO because we learned the hard way, too.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:09 PM on January 16, 2010
By all means, reach out an offer of friendship to her, but only if you are 100% okay with the following possibilities:
(1) There is no chance of this friendship growing into a romantic relationship. None. Ever ever ever. She will probably date someone else. If you really want to be friends, you have to be okay with all of that.
(2) She'll probably ignore the "but let's be friends" message too, and all subsequent messages, and you will probably never know why.
Either way you're not going to get what you want.
You're probably just going to do whatever you wanted to do before you asked this question, and it won't end well, and you'll be hurt, but you'll learn, and you'll get back up. That's how it works, and I don't blame you. Most of us are only in the position to tell you NO NO NO because we learned the hard way, too.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:09 PM on January 16, 2010
I'm sorry this thread hasn't gone the way you had probably hoped, Andy. I can see from some of your previous questions that you struggle with shyness yourself, and I imagine that meeting someone online probably feels like a safer, less stressful way to go about socializing. I think online dating might still be a good option for you, but would ask you to consider taking seriously much of the advice in this thread (even the comments that may sting a little). I wish you well.
posted by scody at 2:14 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by scody at 2:14 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was an 18 year old girl living in Pennsylvania. If you'd have told me that you were considering moving internationally to be with me, it would have creeped me. If you posted my online chat with you without my permission, that would give me the double creeps. If weeks later you were still acting inappropriately stalkerish, then you'd be the creepiest, creepy of all creepers. You may well be an incredibly sweet guy who's smitten. However, your response is over-the-top and possibly quite scary to her.
Let me put this as directly as possible. She is far away from you because it is her choice. She doesn't communicate with your because she doesn't want to communicate with you. She chooses your absence.
Hey, it sucks. Not everyone we're hot for is smitten with us. Go find someone where the feeling is mutual.
posted by 26.2 at 2:26 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
Let me put this as directly as possible. She is far away from you because it is her choice. She doesn't communicate with your because she doesn't want to communicate with you. She chooses your absence.
Hey, it sucks. Not everyone we're hot for is smitten with us. Go find someone where the feeling is mutual.
posted by 26.2 at 2:26 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would agree with the general consensus that she's no longer interested, but I'd also add that at age 18 she's really still a child. She's either not autonomous at all, or she's barely so. If you're talking to someone who hasn't yet had a lot of adult experiences about things that are VERY adult (having a long distance relationship, having someone move from another country to be with you), it makes perfect sense that she'd be scared off. And it's also GOOD that she's scared off. She's not in a position to accept what you're offering. Look for someone more suited for you, age-wise and geographically.
posted by FlyByDay at 2:28 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by FlyByDay at 2:28 PM on January 16, 2010
Whyyyy is she so far aaaway from meeeee?
I've been following this thread and I don't think anyone has pointed this out yet--the primary reason this person is so far away from you is that you chose to initiate contact with someone thousands of miles away from you, not someone in the same city or even country.
Consider filtering your searches on online dating sites to a geographic region within, say, an hour's driving distance of your current home. It's a lot easier to have realistic expectations (communicate online for a bit, meet in person, see if you click; if you don't click, move on) if you're talking to prospective dates you might actually be able to meet on low-key, casual terms. It's pretty high stakes to fly to another country for what is technically still only a first date.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:28 PM on January 16, 2010
I've been following this thread and I don't think anyone has pointed this out yet--the primary reason this person is so far away from you is that you chose to initiate contact with someone thousands of miles away from you, not someone in the same city or even country.
Consider filtering your searches on online dating sites to a geographic region within, say, an hour's driving distance of your current home. It's a lot easier to have realistic expectations (communicate online for a bit, meet in person, see if you click; if you don't click, move on) if you're talking to prospective dates you might actually be able to meet on low-key, casual terms. It's pretty high stakes to fly to another country for what is technically still only a first date.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:28 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: Sorry guys, I'm collecting internet conversations for a uni graphics project which is why I did the tumblr thing and why I tried to riled you up. It was a genuine question and I'm grateful for all the good advice. I'm definitely gonna leave her alone. If she's interested then I guess she might get back to me at some point.
posted by Andy Harwood at 2:31 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by Andy Harwood at 2:31 PM on January 16, 2010
Here's how I see her behavior having been on the other side before: "Oh, a message. [read message], who's this person again? [look at profile] oh yeah. nope." I'm not saying it has anything to do with your looks, it could be other things in your profile or whatever. And your long conversations...phone or IM? I'm guessing IM, which is far less of a relationship indicator than it is a boredom indicator or "I'm doing other stuff on the computer anyway" indicator.
posted by rhizome at 2:31 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by rhizome at 2:31 PM on January 16, 2010
Response by poster: I should probably stop posting at this point but I think I should clear up a few thing
I wasn't purposefully looking for a long-distance thing. I winked at her because she showed up on my list of visitors.
I was very shy for most of my life but I'm pretty much over it now. I don't have any trouble meeting women close to home - this is a special case.
this is my profile http://www.okcupid.com/profile/JimmersonSpiral/
posted by Andy Harwood at 2:40 PM on January 16, 2010
I wasn't purposefully looking for a long-distance thing. I winked at her because she showed up on my list of visitors.
I was very shy for most of my life but I'm pretty much over it now. I don't have any trouble meeting women close to home - this is a special case.
this is my profile http://www.okcupid.com/profile/JimmersonSpiral/
posted by Andy Harwood at 2:40 PM on January 16, 2010
Well, your behavior in this question indicates that you're self-aggrandizing and manipulative. Consider that she is smart enough to pick up on this.
posted by rhizome at 2:51 PM on January 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 2:51 PM on January 16, 2010 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm very sorry if I came off that way. I was honestly just trying to rile ppl up which when I think about it was probably a dick move
posted by Andy Harwood at 2:53 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by Andy Harwood at 2:53 PM on January 16, 2010
I'm collecting internet conversations for a uni graphics project which is why I did the tumblr thing and why I tried to riled you up.
Time for a time out, I think.
posted by meerkatty at 2:54 PM on January 16, 2010 [4 favorites]
Time for a time out, I think.
posted by meerkatty at 2:54 PM on January 16, 2010 [4 favorites]
AskMe operates on the assumption of good faith. Please don't do this sort of stuff.
posted by milarepa at 3:00 PM on January 16, 2010
posted by milarepa at 3:00 PM on January 16, 2010
Yeah, not cool. People have been responding in good faith and with kindness. "Dick move" just about sums it up. I suggest you cut that shit right out.
posted by scody at 3:03 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by scody at 3:03 PM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
(Also: she hasn't replied to your last message? I think you are putting the cart before the horse a little. Long distance works out ok for some people, but probably not so well for people who aren't currently speaking who have never actually met.)
posted by shownomercy at 11:56 AM on January 16, 2010 [2 favorites]