Hello? -awkward pause-

January 15, 2010 6:33 PM

How do I become a more graceful phone conversationalist?

I'm an introvert, and I have a lot of trouble talking on the phone. Usually, my phone conversations are filled with awkward pauses, and random noises I make to assuage my anxiety because of the awkward pauses.

I'm ok when it comes to calling friends or people that I know well, or for the purposes of chatting only/something not serious. I have a lot of trouble, especially, when I need to call an acquaintance to ask a favor, even if it is something small and completely acceptable. I try to be very polite, but I always feel that somehow, what I'm asking for is unreasonable, and I am unnecessarily burdening the other person, and thus end up sounding very cold and blunt due to nervousness.

Often times, I feel like I am under great pressure and cannot even think when I am making a phone call. When talking face to face with people, I occasionally have this problem as well, but not nearly as bad as it is when I'm on the phone. When I'm on the phone, the awkward pauses feel like hours to me.

I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice on how I can become a more graceful phone conversationalist. Any advice/tips appreciated, especially with regard to what I should do to fill those long awkward pauses.

posted by oracle bone to Human Relations (6 answers total)

1. Plan out what you are going to say. Even write down a script of sorts. You might feel silly doing it, but it helps. It also insures you won't forget a small but key component of the discussion and have to call back.

2. Remind yourself that if it's a burden, the person won't answer the phone, or they won't call back. If they pick up or return your call, trust that it's no more of an inconvenience to them as it is to you. Everyone has the option of ignoring, neglecting, or being rude to someone. Chances are most people won't exercise that option, and when things are work or personal business related, you are not a disruption, but a part of their job, and that's fine, as long as your are reasonable, friendly enough, and polite.

3. Keep in mind that when we don't know people, their speech patterns can seem odd and awkward to us. I can't tell you how many times I, or the person I'm chatting with, has accidentally cut the other person off or talked over the other person on the phone. Basically, it happens to everyone, so try not to sweat it.

4. If all else fails, email, email, email. I will tell you that this eliminates a lot of phone anxiety for me and is incredibly helpful for a variety of reasons, including documentation of my work and future reference for when similar situations occur. If you can contact them via email, go for it. No one will think twice, and you can be even more confident that you are saying the right thing, including everything you need to mention, and are not intruding, because people reply when it works best for them, and can address your concerns as fully as possible.
posted by katemcd at 7:29 PM on January 15, 2010

When I'm calling to ask for something, or to talk to someone I don't know very well for a specific purpose, I write down what I need to say ahead of time and read it out loud to myself to see how it sounds. (With practice, it's really easy to make it sound as though you're speaking without a script.)
posted by Phire at 7:30 PM on January 15, 2010

Oh, and practice makes perfect, particularly in big company vs. you the individual interactions. When you have the option of emailing or calling, call. I'm thinking mostly of customer service based exchanges. You will get more comfortable the more you do this. I won't lie, calling and sitting on hold can be a pain, but it will help you strengthen your phone skills and will greatly reduce, if not eliminate, your apprehension about phone interactions.
posted by katemcd at 7:33 PM on January 15, 2010 [1 favorite]

One of the challenges I have with phone conversations is distraction: it's too easy to multi-task, checking email or throwing another load of laundry in the dryer. This, of course, impedes my ability to be a sparkling conversationalist. For important conversations, I try to make a point to sit somewhere and focus, as if the person on the other end of the line is in the room with me. No TV, no computer, and no pacing. And smile, if you can - that cliche about your voice conveying your emotion is actually pretty true.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 7:43 PM on January 15, 2010

Response by poster: Thank you for the advice! I'll try making a script the next time I call someone.

And to clarify my question a bit: I'm mostly fine with taking to people I don't know, like customer service, sales rep, etc. I think I'm more calm with these people because I think our lives will not intersect again in the future, so what I'm saying doesn't really matter, and this attitude helps me to be more relaxed. The trouble is mostly with acquaintances, or those people that, while I don't know too well, will keep on appearing in my life. Mostly on personal matters too. I guess I'm just worried that after the phone call they'll see me as this completely awkward and cold person.
posted by oracle bone at 7:48 PM on January 15, 2010

When you're worried you're sounding cold or blunt I've heard that smiling actually makes your voice sound warmer, even when the person cannot hear you. Not sure if it works though! I suppose the act of smiling might relax you, therefore making you sound less abrupt or awkward.
posted by schmoo at 1:54 AM on January 16, 2010