I didn't want a baby, anyway.
January 8, 2010 10:43 AM Subscribe
(How) Do I tell my boyfriend I had a miscarriage?
The relevant info:
We are in our early 30's, professionals, together for 3 years, not living together.
I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant because I take birth control pills without the placebos to skip periods. It is extremely rare for me to skip even one pill, but in hindsight, I do recall when I skipped two under rather dire circumstances about two months ago. I am quite certain that I did have a miscarriage.
That being said, I am pretty sure that I should tell him, though I'm open to reasons why I wouldn't want to do that. I'm just not sure how to tell him. I mean, do I call him after work on Friday and tell him to come see me because I have something to tell him? I don't think I'm going to cry but just in case, telling him somewhere public like out to dinner would be bad judgment. And he's going to be able to tell something is up. Even just saying "we have to talk in person" via phone will raise his eyebrows and he will try and get me to say it then.
And what do I say? "I had a miscarriage" sounds so weird just saying aloud to my dog. I feel like it doesn't even describe how I feel. You see, had I known I was pregnant, he and I would have had to have a conversation about my imminent abortion - I cannot have a child at this time in my life. So in a way this sort of forced the issue and I feel weird. Almost relieved. But I still feel sad, like I'm broken or something. I cannot even begin to think of how I can convey all of this to him.
If it is relevant, I think I do want to have a kid someday, and I'd like it to be with him. I seem to be more interested in a commitment like marriage than he is right now, but that has always been a point of gentle contention between us. He is aware that I would like our relationship to be more serious.
I just wish this wasn't happening.
The relevant info:
We are in our early 30's, professionals, together for 3 years, not living together.
I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant because I take birth control pills without the placebos to skip periods. It is extremely rare for me to skip even one pill, but in hindsight, I do recall when I skipped two under rather dire circumstances about two months ago. I am quite certain that I did have a miscarriage.
That being said, I am pretty sure that I should tell him, though I'm open to reasons why I wouldn't want to do that. I'm just not sure how to tell him. I mean, do I call him after work on Friday and tell him to come see me because I have something to tell him? I don't think I'm going to cry but just in case, telling him somewhere public like out to dinner would be bad judgment. And he's going to be able to tell something is up. Even just saying "we have to talk in person" via phone will raise his eyebrows and he will try and get me to say it then.
And what do I say? "I had a miscarriage" sounds so weird just saying aloud to my dog. I feel like it doesn't even describe how I feel. You see, had I known I was pregnant, he and I would have had to have a conversation about my imminent abortion - I cannot have a child at this time in my life. So in a way this sort of forced the issue and I feel weird. Almost relieved. But I still feel sad, like I'm broken or something. I cannot even begin to think of how I can convey all of this to him.
If it is relevant, I think I do want to have a kid someday, and I'd like it to be with him. I seem to be more interested in a commitment like marriage than he is right now, but that has always been a point of gentle contention between us. He is aware that I would like our relationship to be more serious.
I just wish this wasn't happening.
Also, please see your GYN just to make sure everything's OK.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:49 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:49 AM on January 8, 2010
I think you just have to say it. Presumably you see each other regularly anyway, at one another's house? But yeah, I would probably call and ask him to come over after work? Or if you guys regularly communicate through email or texting I might even do it that way so you wouldn't get caught answering a question you didn't want to answer over the phone (if you never communicate via those channels, though, it would probably be weird) and you just have to say it. Something like "I recently discovered I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant. I felt that we both needed to know this."
Also, if you haven't, you might want to have the abortion talk either now or in the near future -- before it becomes an issue -- so you know you're on the same page. You don't want to discover that he is adamantly against the idea after an accidental pregnancy, after all.
And I'm sorry, I'm sure this is very rough on you, even though the pregnancy would have been unwanted anyway. The body doing all this stuff without our input can be hard regardless of whether the results match our desires or not.
posted by brainmouse at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
Also, if you haven't, you might want to have the abortion talk either now or in the near future -- before it becomes an issue -- so you know you're on the same page. You don't want to discover that he is adamantly against the idea after an accidental pregnancy, after all.
And I'm sorry, I'm sure this is very rough on you, even though the pregnancy would have been unwanted anyway. The body doing all this stuff without our input can be hard regardless of whether the results match our desires or not.
posted by brainmouse at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2010
Not wanting children and thinking about abortion is abstract and in your mind, but when there is a real live zygote, it can change things.
I make absolutely no judgements about abortion, but speaking as someone who has been around miscarriages (it is very common), I understand that sadness and sense of loss. Don't turn away from it.
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 10:52 AM on January 8, 2010
I make absolutely no judgements about abortion, but speaking as someone who has been around miscarriages (it is very common), I understand that sadness and sense of loss. Don't turn away from it.
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 10:52 AM on January 8, 2010
Before you do anything, I would call your doctor right now to schedule an appointment--first and foremost, to make sure everything is fine, and secondarily, to make sure you even had a miscarriage. The reason I suggest the latter part is that I had a very similar thing happen to me last year--on my doctor's advice, I use my birth control without placebo period to skip periods--and, after heavy cramping, I passed a lot of blood and huge clumps of tissue that I was certain meant "miscarriage". I was very upset, having been pretty sure I wasn't even pregnant. After I called my doctor, she doctor checked for other signs of pregnancy, found none, asked some questions and did some deduction, she determined I had not been pregnant at all. Her explanation was that skipping periods this way can cause a tissue buildup that may appear similar to a miscarriage.
In sum:
Deep breath. You are going to be fine. Call the doctor, and if it turns out you do need to talk to your boyfriend about the larger issue of children here, well, just tell him how you feel and what you told us here. This may be a good time for an open, honest conversation between the two of you.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:55 AM on January 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
In sum:
Deep breath. You are going to be fine. Call the doctor, and if it turns out you do need to talk to your boyfriend about the larger issue of children here, well, just tell him how you feel and what you told us here. This may be a good time for an open, honest conversation between the two of you.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:55 AM on January 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
IANYBF, but from my experience, he'll be concerned, then relieved. And actually, saying "I had a miscarriage" is exactly the best way to tell him. Dawdling won't help matters. Expect there to be questions like "Did you know you were pregnant? What happens now? What happened then? When were you going to tell me? Have you seen a doctor?" Be prepared to answer, but get the statement of fact out right away. If he's a good boyfriend, he'll also ask how you're doing and be compassionate about the complicated emotions you're feeling.
No matter what he thinks of commitment, marriage, kids, et. al, you're going to be the one most emotionally affected. The complexity of hormones, and the mind-body connection, means that the woman is usually most affected by miscarriages and abortions - just like with actual pregnancy. You need to tell him. He needs to respond with compassion. That's the end game.
Then get healing. For yourself, alone. And with him, together. Best of luck.
posted by whycurious at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
No matter what he thinks of commitment, marriage, kids, et. al, you're going to be the one most emotionally affected. The complexity of hormones, and the mind-body connection, means that the woman is usually most affected by miscarriages and abortions - just like with actual pregnancy. You need to tell him. He needs to respond with compassion. That's the end game.
Then get healing. For yourself, alone. And with him, together. Best of luck.
posted by whycurious at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
(Sorry--the doctor checked. Can't type today!)
posted by anonnymoose at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by anonnymoose at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't think there's a "right" way to do it per se. I think your instincts to tell him are right, this is a big event and it will affect you emotionally and it's important in the instance of healthy communication in a relationship that he knows what's going on with you. You may just want to schedule some time with him--like have him come over for dinner and just tell him everything you said in your post above.
posted by Kimberly at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
I don't think there's a "right" way to do it per se. I think your instincts to tell him are right, this is a big event and it will affect you emotionally and it's important in the instance of healthy communication in a relationship that he knows what's going on with you. You may just want to schedule some time with him--like have him come over for dinner and just tell him everything you said in your post above.
posted by Kimberly at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
I have been on the receiving end of this conversation. It hit me much harder than I would have imagined beforehand. It was slow though. At first it was just a fact but over a couple days the impact grew and made me very thoughtful. I only add this anecdote as a preface to saying that yes I absolutely would want to know. Sorry you both have to deal with this.
posted by Babblesort at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
posted by Babblesort at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2010
I'm just not sure how to tell him. ... what do I say? ... I cannot even begin to think of how I can convey all of this to him.
How about, the next time you're alone together, telling him this:
"I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant because I take birth control pills without the placebos to skip periods. It is extremely rare for me to skip even one pill, but in hindsight, I do recall when I skipped two under rather dire circumstances about two months ago. I am quite certain that I did have a miscarriage. Had I known I was pregnant, we would have had to have a conversation about my imminent abortion - I cannot have a child at this time in my life. So in a way this sort of forces the issue and I feel weird. Almost relieved. But I still feel sad, like I'm broken or something."
The point about wanting to have kids with him and so on is obviously touchier, so it's up to your discretion how straightforward to be about those issues.
Of course, anonnymoose's suggestion to see a doctor is a good one. But if you happen to see him before you get a chance to see a doctor, you don't need to try to hide the fact that you're upset. You can just talk about it but add the qualification that you're going to see a doctor soon to confirm that it was a miscarriage, etc. You can have an important talk without yet having certainty.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2010
How about, the next time you're alone together, telling him this:
"I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant because I take birth control pills without the placebos to skip periods. It is extremely rare for me to skip even one pill, but in hindsight, I do recall when I skipped two under rather dire circumstances about two months ago. I am quite certain that I did have a miscarriage. Had I known I was pregnant, we would have had to have a conversation about my imminent abortion - I cannot have a child at this time in my life. So in a way this sort of forces the issue and I feel weird. Almost relieved. But I still feel sad, like I'm broken or something."
The point about wanting to have kids with him and so on is obviously touchier, so it's up to your discretion how straightforward to be about those issues.
Of course, anonnymoose's suggestion to see a doctor is a good one. But if you happen to see him before you get a chance to see a doctor, you don't need to try to hide the fact that you're upset. You can just talk about it but add the qualification that you're going to see a doctor soon to confirm that it was a miscarriage, etc. You can have an important talk without yet having certainty.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2010
Please do tell him, and the matter-of-fact, gentle tone you used here should be a perfectly fine way to explain what happened.
People have individual differences in the way they view the loss of a pregnancy. Some people (more often when they long for a child, I suppose) view the loss of a pregnancy with deep sadness and regret, sometimes as much as if a born child had died. Out of respect for the different views, because he was the father of this unborn child I think he deserves to be told, and then to have whatever feelings he has about it. I also think you both have the right to mutual support, in whatever ways you need it.
Please do see an Ob/Gyn as soon as reasonably possible, to ensure no tissue remains (which could cause an infection).
posted by bunnycup at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2010
People have individual differences in the way they view the loss of a pregnancy. Some people (more often when they long for a child, I suppose) view the loss of a pregnancy with deep sadness and regret, sometimes as much as if a born child had died. Out of respect for the different views, because he was the father of this unborn child I think he deserves to be told, and then to have whatever feelings he has about it. I also think you both have the right to mutual support, in whatever ways you need it.
Please do see an Ob/Gyn as soon as reasonably possible, to ensure no tissue remains (which could cause an infection).
posted by bunnycup at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2010
I do agree you should tell him, and I think the way you've stated this is just fine.
I also think it's possible that you may not have had a miscarriage (I once had some weird funky thing like that happen after a dose of the morning-after pill -- sometimes your hormones go a little wacky and your body gets confused about "wait, am I pregnant? Am I not? AAAAACk!"), so that would be worth looking into. But do still have the conversation with him, just so he knows that this is going on.
Also, accept whatever it is you feel right now. Even if you knew you weren't ready for a child, it's a big thing for you -- you said something about feeling "broken," and word stuck out for me -- women who have miscarriages do sometimes wrestle with feeling that way.
Separately of whether you wanted to be pregnant or not, it still was some big thing that happened to you, and it could affect your mental equilibrium for a while, and that's something he needs to know. He may even have a few days of going "whoa." That's all perfectly understandable. Just ride out whatever feelings you both have that come up, and chalk it up to your brain trying to process something that happened -- sometimes when we're trying to process something all kinds of weird stuff gets stirred up. That's how you sort through how you feel about things, though.
You'll be well. Your instincts are spot on, and that's a very good thing. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2010
I also think it's possible that you may not have had a miscarriage (I once had some weird funky thing like that happen after a dose of the morning-after pill -- sometimes your hormones go a little wacky and your body gets confused about "wait, am I pregnant? Am I not? AAAAACk!"), so that would be worth looking into. But do still have the conversation with him, just so he knows that this is going on.
Also, accept whatever it is you feel right now. Even if you knew you weren't ready for a child, it's a big thing for you -- you said something about feeling "broken," and word stuck out for me -- women who have miscarriages do sometimes wrestle with feeling that way.
Separately of whether you wanted to be pregnant or not, it still was some big thing that happened to you, and it could affect your mental equilibrium for a while, and that's something he needs to know. He may even have a few days of going "whoa." That's all perfectly understandable. Just ride out whatever feelings you both have that come up, and chalk it up to your brain trying to process something that happened -- sometimes when we're trying to process something all kinds of weird stuff gets stirred up. That's how you sort through how you feel about things, though.
You'll be well. Your instincts are spot on, and that's a very good thing. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2010
"I have to talk to you: $WHATYOUSAIDHERE"
I, too have been on the receiving end of a similar message. He needs to know and he needs your help and to help you. No wording will make it easier, so just tell him.
posted by cmoj at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I, too have been on the receiving end of a similar message. He needs to know and he needs your help and to help you. No wording will make it easier, so just tell him.
posted by cmoj at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it might be better for you to tell your boyfriend right away that you think you had a miscarriage, but that you're seeing your OB/GYN as soon as you can schedule an appointment.
You're under emotional strain right now. If he's as involved in your life as he appears to be--should be, if children were even a biological possibility--this is something the two of you need to deal with together. But you don't actually know what happened, and won't until a doctor can examine you. There may well be one or two more emotional bombshells waiting to crater as this process goes forward, and again, dealing with it together strikes me as the way to go about this.
For good or ill, this is what happens when two people are close to each other. You need to be able to deal with the emotional fallout as a couple. So again, tell him your suspicions now, then deal with the realities as they emerge.
posted by valkyryn at 11:24 AM on January 8, 2010
You're under emotional strain right now. If he's as involved in your life as he appears to be--should be, if children were even a biological possibility--this is something the two of you need to deal with together. But you don't actually know what happened, and won't until a doctor can examine you. There may well be one or two more emotional bombshells waiting to crater as this process goes forward, and again, dealing with it together strikes me as the way to go about this.
For good or ill, this is what happens when two people are close to each other. You need to be able to deal with the emotional fallout as a couple. So again, tell him your suspicions now, then deal with the realities as they emerge.
posted by valkyryn at 11:24 AM on January 8, 2010
A police officer once told me how they are taught to deliver bad news. Here's the basic fomula:
1. Statement that you have some X news, where X is bad, shocking, surprising, difficult, etc.
This statement mentally prepares the person for hearing some hard news.
2. Story that leads up to the bad thing.
This allows the person to hear what happened, as it unfolded, and since they know the end is bad (from Step 1), their mind mentally fills it in a bit before you have to actually say it. This reduces the shock a bit.
So, I would recommend something like this:
"I have some difficult news to share with you. Do you remember about 2 months ago, when [the dire circumstances] happened? About twice during [the dire circumstances], I did not take my birth control pills. I thought I was still protected, but that must have not been true. I kept taking the birth control, because I did not know, but I was pregnant. Of course, with the birth control pills, [yesterday/today/day] I miscarried."
posted by Houstonian at 2:50 PM on January 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
1. Statement that you have some X news, where X is bad, shocking, surprising, difficult, etc.
This statement mentally prepares the person for hearing some hard news.
2. Story that leads up to the bad thing.
This allows the person to hear what happened, as it unfolded, and since they know the end is bad (from Step 1), their mind mentally fills it in a bit before you have to actually say it. This reduces the shock a bit.
So, I would recommend something like this:
"I have some difficult news to share with you. Do you remember about 2 months ago, when [the dire circumstances] happened? About twice during [the dire circumstances], I did not take my birth control pills. I thought I was still protected, but that must have not been true. I kept taking the birth control, because I did not know, but I was pregnant. Of course, with the birth control pills, [yesterday/today/day] I miscarried."
posted by Houstonian at 2:50 PM on January 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
You should talk to him. I had a miscarriage three years ago and it was the beginning of the end of my marriage - my now-ex-husband had always indicated that he didn't want kids, but when he felt relief about it, that was just too much for me to handle. It took a full year after that for the relationship to fully destroy itself, but it that was the trigger.
You don't have to make it mean everything about kids and whether you want them now or later, but it is good to use it as a way to get these conversations started. And you also should be able to rely on him for emotional support now because this is a rough thing to go through.
My sympathies. Feel free to MeMail me if you like.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:55 PM on January 8, 2010
You don't have to make it mean everything about kids and whether you want them now or later, but it is good to use it as a way to get these conversations started. And you also should be able to rely on him for emotional support now because this is a rough thing to go through.
My sympathies. Feel free to MeMail me if you like.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:55 PM on January 8, 2010
Actually, if my girlfriend had a miscarriage, I would rather hear a blunt, upfront "I had a miscarriage," then the details. Anytime someone has tried to do the long-story-leading-up-to-bad-news thing with me, I always anticipate the news being way worse than it turns out to be.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:56 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:56 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Be gentle.
"Honey, I just learned that I had a miscarriage and that I was pregnant, all at the same time. I'm not exactly sure how we got pregnant, but I think it had to do with me missing a pill or two a couple of months ago."
That's all that's needed.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:00 PM on January 8, 2010
"Honey, I just learned that I had a miscarriage and that I was pregnant, all at the same time. I'm not exactly sure how we got pregnant, but I think it had to do with me missing a pill or two a couple of months ago."
That's all that's needed.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:00 PM on January 8, 2010
Next time you're together, just say it. Please don't call him and say, "I have something really serious to talk to you about" -- few things are more irritating than that.
had I known I was pregnant, he and I would have had to have a conversation about my imminent abortion - I cannot have a child at this time in my life.
I'm all for people having abortions, but if that's the case, you really should be using more than one form of BC.
posted by coolguymichael at 3:04 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
had I known I was pregnant, he and I would have had to have a conversation about my imminent abortion - I cannot have a child at this time in my life.
I'm all for people having abortions, but if that's the case, you really should be using more than one form of BC.
posted by coolguymichael at 3:04 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Since you put the "how" in parentheses, I wonder if you really do need to tell him about it at all. He knows you want to be serious, but he hasn't made it more serious. My worry is that he won't care and during this difficult time, his not sharing your feelings over the miscarriage or wanting to discuss having children will be a slap in your face. You don't need that. Maybe you should just email him and then keep your distance for awhile, because something in my gut (maybe wrongly) indicates that he doesn't want to get serious and he may get upset with you and accuse you of manipulating his emotions.
But most importantly, go see a doc please.
posted by anniecat at 3:06 PM on January 8, 2010
But most importantly, go see a doc please.
posted by anniecat at 3:06 PM on January 8, 2010
I actually kind of agree with Jaltcoh on the "spit it out, don't draw it out and let me think worse things while you geto the point" here.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:06 PM on January 8, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:06 PM on January 8, 2010
Also, call your girlfriends. They might be able to give you the emotional support you need if you can't get it from your boyfriend.
posted by anniecat at 3:12 PM on January 8, 2010
posted by anniecat at 3:12 PM on January 8, 2010
Of course, with the birth control pills, [yesterday/today/day] I miscarried."
Houstonian, that's a horrible way to put it because it implies that the birth control pills caused a miscarriage, which they don't. The pill will not harm a pregnancy.
posted by Violet Hour at 3:13 PM on January 8, 2010
Houstonian, that's a horrible way to put it because it implies that the birth control pills caused a miscarriage, which they don't. The pill will not harm a pregnancy.
posted by Violet Hour at 3:13 PM on January 8, 2010
I kept taking the birth control, because I did not know, but I was pregnant. Of course, with the birth control pills, [yesterday/today/day] I miscarried."
This last sentence isn't quite right. BC pills don't cause miscarriage, not when one continues to take them regularly (that is, just daily). Miscarriages happen, most often there is no cause (more precisely, no cause that the OP had any control over).
The only thing the BC pills have to do with this is that a) presumably the OP didn't want to be pregnant, and b) her usage pattern means she didn't know about the pregnancy until the miscarriage itself (and yes, OP, if you haven't seen a doc for this, please do.)
posted by nat at 3:15 PM on January 8, 2010
This last sentence isn't quite right. BC pills don't cause miscarriage, not when one continues to take them regularly (that is, just daily). Miscarriages happen, most often there is no cause (more precisely, no cause that the OP had any control over).
The only thing the BC pills have to do with this is that a) presumably the OP didn't want to be pregnant, and b) her usage pattern means she didn't know about the pregnancy until the miscarriage itself (and yes, OP, if you haven't seen a doc for this, please do.)
posted by nat at 3:15 PM on January 8, 2010
This last sentence isn't quite right. BC pills don't cause miscarriage, not when one continues to take them regularly (that is, just daily).
This is true. I have a friend who accidentally became pregnant in the same manner as the OP (missed a mere two pills) and *kept* the baby. Who yes, was born. She actually didn't find out she was pregnant until she was pretty much done with her first trimester because she chalked up her lack of period and queasy symptoms to the pill itself, which she was still taking regularly. It wasn't until she fainted at work and the doctors did a blood test that she found out.
Anyhow, the point is that continuing the pill when pregnant probably isn't an awesome thing for the fetus, but it by no means causes a miscarriage.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:18 PM on January 8, 2010
This is true. I have a friend who accidentally became pregnant in the same manner as the OP (missed a mere two pills) and *kept* the baby. Who yes, was born. She actually didn't find out she was pregnant until she was pretty much done with her first trimester because she chalked up her lack of period and queasy symptoms to the pill itself, which she was still taking regularly. It wasn't until she fainted at work and the doctors did a blood test that she found out.
Anyhow, the point is that continuing the pill when pregnant probably isn't an awesome thing for the fetus, but it by no means causes a miscarriage.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:18 PM on January 8, 2010
I wouldn't tell him you had a miscarriage unless you were 100% sure that you were pregnant, which you aren't. Find that out first.
posted by asockpuppet at 3:25 PM on January 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by asockpuppet at 3:25 PM on January 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
From what I understand, it is very difficult to definitively tell that you've had a miscarriage this early on in a pregnancy. If you didn't know you were pregnant, it seems very unlikely that this is actually attributable to a miscarriage. There are all sorts of weird things our bodies can do to us that have nothing to do with pregnancy.
(Seriously, the horror stories I could tell you about my vagina)
Tell your boyfriend that you had an abnormal period. That you're concerned it could be any number of weird things. That maybe you're a little freaked out. That maybe you could use some hand-holding.
But don't say definitively that you lost your previously unknown unborn kid until you go to your doctor and get checked out. And absolutely get checked out. Because there might be a time when you want kids, and you want to make sure the equipment is in decent shape.
posted by politikitty at 3:34 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
(Seriously, the horror stories I could tell you about my vagina)
Tell your boyfriend that you had an abnormal period. That you're concerned it could be any number of weird things. That maybe you're a little freaked out. That maybe you could use some hand-holding.
But don't say definitively that you lost your previously unknown unborn kid until you go to your doctor and get checked out. And absolutely get checked out. Because there might be a time when you want kids, and you want to make sure the equipment is in decent shape.
posted by politikitty at 3:34 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm going to assume that the OP knows that this was a miscarriage. In any case, one of the worst things you can hear going through this is "Oh, well you probably weren't really pregnant in the first place." Can we answer her question about how to talk to her partner rather than questioning whether or not she really experienced this?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:37 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:37 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
He needs to know otherwise there will be this unspoken big secret in your relationship. When you tell him, it will be a shared experience you two can get through together with each other's support.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:38 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:38 PM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
He needs to know otherwise there will be this unspoken big secret in your relationship. When you tell him, it will be a shared experience you two can get through together with each other's support.
This. If you don't tell him, and you two do get serious, telling him later will just result in accusations of betrayal and mistrust. Unless you plan on taking this to your grave.
posted by amber_dale at 3:53 PM on January 8, 2010
This. If you don't tell him, and you two do get serious, telling him later will just result in accusations of betrayal and mistrust. Unless you plan on taking this to your grave.
posted by amber_dale at 3:53 PM on January 8, 2010
Houstonian's advice on how to deliver Really Bad News is a good thing for everyone to know, but in this particular circumstance you might want to think about how to deliver it a bit.
Just because, somewhere after "bad news" and "I did not take my birth control pills," some part of his mind is probably going to be screaming OH MY GOD YOU'RE PREGNANT, THIS IS THE 'I'M PREGNANT' CONVERSATION, OHGODNO. Even people who really want kids have told me about that reaction, to say nothing of the fear that every man who doesn't want a child has in the back of his mind about it. And then you're going to say "miscarriage," and you're going to in all likelihood see a lot of relief. And his relief at your miscarriage probably isn't the kind of emotional support you want/need out of this conversation. But I suspect it's almost inevitable if you relay the information in that way.
Obviously I don't think that you should feel the need to structure your conversation too much around your boyfriend's feelings -- it was your miscarriage, after all, and you should announce it in whatever way you see fit. I'm not saying this because you should feel like protecting him or his feelings. (Actually quite the contrary. If you were trying to protect/minimize to him, Houstonian's suggestion probably would be the best route.)
It's just a matter of not setting him up in a situation where he'll have assumed something worse than actually happened, so the "bad news" is actually a relief.
So while I think Houstonian's advice is the best way to give truly bad news, when the news is the worst thing that could possibly happen (e.g. someone is dead), in this case a more straightforward statement might get him in touch with how you're feeling faster, and that is what I expect you want out of the conversation.
posted by Kadin2048 at 4:33 PM on January 8, 2010
Just because, somewhere after "bad news" and "I did not take my birth control pills," some part of his mind is probably going to be screaming OH MY GOD YOU'RE PREGNANT, THIS IS THE 'I'M PREGNANT' CONVERSATION, OHGODNO. Even people who really want kids have told me about that reaction, to say nothing of the fear that every man who doesn't want a child has in the back of his mind about it. And then you're going to say "miscarriage," and you're going to in all likelihood see a lot of relief. And his relief at your miscarriage probably isn't the kind of emotional support you want/need out of this conversation. But I suspect it's almost inevitable if you relay the information in that way.
Obviously I don't think that you should feel the need to structure your conversation too much around your boyfriend's feelings -- it was your miscarriage, after all, and you should announce it in whatever way you see fit. I'm not saying this because you should feel like protecting him or his feelings. (Actually quite the contrary. If you were trying to protect/minimize to him, Houstonian's suggestion probably would be the best route.)
It's just a matter of not setting him up in a situation where he'll have assumed something worse than actually happened, so the "bad news" is actually a relief.
So while I think Houstonian's advice is the best way to give truly bad news, when the news is the worst thing that could possibly happen (e.g. someone is dead), in this case a more straightforward statement might get him in touch with how you're feeling faster, and that is what I expect you want out of the conversation.
posted by Kadin2048 at 4:33 PM on January 8, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Miscarriages can be really upsetting, even when you hadn't intended to be pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. It's sad, and your hormones are out of whack as well.
I'm sorry you had a saddening and difficult experience. Best to you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:49 AM on January 8, 2010 [1 favorite]