My ex just married someone I'm worried about. Kids.
January 5, 2010 1:23 PM   Subscribe

My ex just married someone I am worried about. He got out of jail this week, and has a history of meth use. There are two young children involved.

I'll try to strip the drama. We've been separated for a couple years, and divorced for six months. We are still friends, that was a goal of both of ours, and we achieved it. In my opinion, being friends or at least on friendly terms with the mother of your kids is a huge positive.

We share custody 50/50. One week on/one week off.

Last spring, through Facebook, she connected with a schoolmate in another state. After a month or two of contact, she flew out and visited him for a week. That was their only in-person meeting. The rest has been Facebook, and then phone.

Shortly after their meeting - which was by all accounts very passionate - he broke parole and went back to prison. I think it is the third time for him to go to prison. Maybe second.

My ex believes that the parole breaking was all a big mistake. I don't know, it is hard to tell from the descriptions. Regardless, he had to serve the rest of his time in prison. He does not dispute that he was in jail for something he really did, burglary. It was on a meth binge. I hear that he has quit meth.

He got out of prison last week, and my ex flew with my kids to marry him. He's moving here next week with her.

Prior to the marriage her family tried to get me to "talk sense into her", but I refused. She cut off contact with her best friend because she would not accept her new man. I decided open communications were better than the obvious result of my trying to dissuade her, and so I've been a fairly willing ear during the months of prison conversations.

He's apparently very charming. Of my two children, the younger one (6) is head-over-heels for him, many of the pictures from the wedding have her hanging on him. My ex says that he's very charismatic, kids, dogs, and prison guards all love him.

I'm worried about this, and I don't really know what to do. I don't have a prisoner=rapist fear. I also sincerely believe that many people are falsely incarcerated. But, he did do the crime, he doesn't deny it. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there are my wonderful girls involved, ages 6 and 9.

I think it is very likely that he is a user, either of people, of meth, or both. I also think that times are going to be tough at her house as they get to know each other. Some of what I hear makes me think he is quite jealous, for example getting angry when she misses a call. Of course, if I was in prison, I'd want my GF to be there for my calls too!

How can I protect my kids? What sorts of things are legitimate fears here? Am I being too much of a worrier? What would you do?

For the moment, all I am doing is to prepare to take temporary full custody of the kids for an extended period of time, should that be necessary. I'm telling them that nothing they could ever do would keep me from loving them, and trying to be an island of stability. My house has rules. The girls' room here is clean. We eat together. They go to bed on time. They don't just browse food, I make home cooked meals 9/10 nights. All that is not the case at my ex wife's house.

My mother believes I should be preparing to fight legally to get full custody. She's a retired social worker specializing in adoption and abuse, she knows what she is talking about, but yet I don't want to believe her. Am I wrong?

I'm worried, and I need advice, thanks.
posted by Invoke to Society & Culture (49 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Have you met him yet?
posted by Loto at 1:26 PM on January 5, 2010


If this was me (and who the hell am I, anyway?) I would ask my spouse to voluntarily let the kids stay with me solely while she and her new husband "get settled". And if she doesn't go for this, then I would pretty much immediately pursue full custody until the situation can be properly evaluated and deemed safe for them.

Honestly, we don't take these kinds of chances with our kids. SHE obviously seems willing to, but that doesn't mean you have to.
posted by hermitosis at 1:29 PM on January 5, 2010 [19 favorites]


Response by poster: No, I have not met him.
posted by Invoke at 1:30 PM on January 5, 2010


If you're changing the custody agreement, then yes, you should definitely get the courts involved, for everyone's protection. Once a judge hears about this guy's past, you'll probably be awarded if not full, then at least increased custody. It sounds like you're going about this with a level head, which is great-- but getting a judge or at least your lawyers involved will make everything much easier should something go wrong. Plus, you get to tell your kids that they're staying with you more because a judge says so, not because you're the worst, meanest dad ever.

(IANAL, but IAA child of divorce)
posted by oinopaponton at 1:30 PM on January 5, 2010


Man, they are your kids do what you think is right regardless of what anyone else feels. I for one would fight for custody. The new guys could be great, but are his friends? I know a few meth users and those that stopped are always dragged back in by friends and other bad influences.

These are your kids, they are your responsibility. Error on the side of cation and get them out of that scene. Don't wait until something happens. They can visit mommy whenever they want since the will be in the same city.
posted by birdlips at 1:34 PM on January 5, 2010


Talk to your divorce lawyer. Listen to your mom. Those are her grandkids.
posted by anniecat at 1:35 PM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


Prior to the marriage her family tried to get me to "talk sense into her", but I refused. She cut off contact with her best friend because she would not accept her new man. I decided open communications were better than the obvious result of my trying to dissuade her, and so I've been a fairly willing ear during the months of prison conversations.

You are a impressively wise dude, strategically, and I think no matter what happens, you'll make the right decisions. That said, you should look into changing the custody agreement, because meth-using felons are bad news. Listen to your mother.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:40 PM on January 5, 2010 [15 favorites]


You said something that concerns me: "All that is not the case at my ex wife's house."

Your fears about this guy, while totally reasonable, aren't based in much actual behavior yet, except some mild chaos and uprooting. But what's going on now, you indicate—not what might happen—sounds troublesome to me.

So: what do you want, based on what's happening now? Do you want full custody, with control over when the kids go see their mother?

Do you want to ask her for three months of custody, with visitation rights, while she "gets settled"?

Why don't you sit down and listen to your gut and put aside any fears about her reactions while you do so?

(I have (not at all useful) suspicions of this guy myself, by the way. Sight unseen, he absolutely fits the profile of a charming narcissist user of people. And yet this may not at ALL be the case! He may be awesome!)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 1:45 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


I would get specific legal advice about your chance of any real, tangible gain from a custody battle. I am not as confident as others upthread who think a judge will take one look at this guy and take your kids away from their mother, assuming he does not have a child-related crime and your children are in a safe and healthy home. My understanding is that full custody is rarely given to one parent absent abandonment by the other parent, or severe abuse, etc. That said, a custody battle will be painful (for your children), unpleasant (for all involved) and expensive. If not likely to produce material change, it may not be worth the harm it would cause. I believe you do need a family lawyer familiar with your jurisdiction to advise you about the judgment calls involved.

That said, even assuming your ex's new husband does not have any child-related crimes or propensities, no, I do not think you are being 'too much of a worrier'. You seem to have your daughters' best interests in mind, and you do not appear to be motivated by personal grudge, desire to control, etc. - emotions that many people feel when their former spouse begins a new life with another man or woman. I think it is legitimate to prepare your life to support your girls in the event custody arrangements do change. I think it is legitimate to obtain counsel to discover whether anything can be done to further protect your kids. I really admire you for staying sane and respectful in your communications on these issues, which would be the number one step I would have advised.

Summary: IMO, so far so good. Yes, I think you have reasons to be concerned. Yes, I think you are handling things well so far. I do think changing custody arrangements will be very difficult. Keep very, very good written records.
posted by bunnycup at 1:46 PM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]


No good can come of this. Act now.
posted by borges at 1:46 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Would they be willing to let you visit for a bit, to let you get to know him yourself? Maybe a month or so after they marry, just to spend a long weekend "getting to know the kids new second dad." Don't ask to stay with them as that could be seen as hostile to him (regardless of his background, he's the new guy and as the "old guy" it behooves you to tread lightly on their new relationship).
Just stay at a hotel, plan a couple of family activities (waterpark, picnic) and an adults-only evening. Make it clear that you just want a chance to create the same kind of friendship with him that you have with her, for the kids' benefit.

Keep an open ear with the kids and see if their behavior changes, without hovering or pushing. Just be there, as you already are.

Honestly I'd say leave the prison history out of it. Give the guy the opportunity for a fresh start that you would like afforded to yourself. Try to get to know him and see for yourself what kind of guy he is.
posted by Billegible at 1:47 PM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


I am in the same situation you are in (sorta - my ex hates my guts) and I can definitely relate.

You will absolutely want to talk to a lawyer you in your state. You need to be prepared to move quickly if something bad happens.

That said, I think it will be hard to change the custody situation based on "what-ifs" no matter how valid you think they are. But again, laws in different states are different - you'll need to talk to a lawyer.

Your ex gets to choose who she wants in her life, and who gets to interact with the kids and how during her placement. Unless the children are actually neglected and unsafe, you'll have a hard time getting traction on this. Sub-optimal parenting is still parenting.

I think you are right to be concerned. I think you need to watch the situation closely.

But I also think you need to remember that your ex is allowed to make a mess of her life, and you can't really do anything about it unless the kids are unsafe/neglected/abused as defined by your state's laws.

TL;DR - you probably wont be able to do anything until something bad happens. Which sucks, but... You never know, it might work out OK.

I think you need to be openly supportive of her choice, even if you have reservations. This will serve to make it easy for your kids to come to you without feeling like they are betraying the other parent. You want to avoid there being the appearance of "sides" at all costs. It's a tough situation, but kids are amazingly resilient and your good example will stand in contrast. Just be the better human at all times.

I can give you more advice if you want. MeMail me, or ask back.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:50 PM on January 5, 2010


I think you should keep in mind that preparing for something doesn't mean you actually have to do it. Certainly this situation sounds like it warrants getting your ducks in a row in case you need to take legal action. If it were me, I would set things up so that I could pull the legal trigger at pretty much a moment's notice if it became necessary. Perhaps it never will be.

But which would be worse; preparing to legally gain full custody and not going through with it because everything is rainbows and unicorns, or failing to prepare and ending up with your kids in a shitty and possibly dangerous situation?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with preparing for eventualities.
posted by Justinian at 1:51 PM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]


Honestly I'd say leave the prison history out of it. Give the guy the opportunity for a fresh start that you would like afforded to yourself. Try to get to know him and see for yourself what kind of guy he is.

Sorry, I think this is really bad advice. If you go to jail two or probably three times, it's not really hard to tell what kind of guy he is.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:52 PM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


I'm not saying his concern is out-of-place; I'm saying he should actually meet the guy himself before fearing the worst, and not to view everything through a suspicious lens. He could be a bad guy, he could be trying to turn his life around; if it were me I'd like to think I could get the benefit of the doubt - and a face-to-face relationship - before lawyers are involved.
posted by Billegible at 1:55 PM on January 5, 2010


I'd first like to say that you seem extraordinarily level-headed about this. I think there are very few people who would be able to make the effort to look at all sides to this, let alone be able to the way you seem to have. Preparing to fight for custody at a moments notice pending more information about the situation seems like exactly the things to do.

I don't know what it's like in Portland, or, I guess, wherever he is, but here in North Texas meth is a HUGE problem. I know, to various extents, a good number of people who have been addicts (no current that I know of any more. policy.). Some are shifty, some are not. One in particular is not only a completely great, though weird guy, but he's getting his PhD in political science from a top-10 school with scholarships and grants affording him a free ride and more. Meth is one of those things that (apparently) a kid tries and has a hard time getting away from, if they can at all. In at least some cases it's more like a car wreck that lasts for years rather than a character deficiency.

I can't and don't mean to defend this guy, his actions, or meth use, but it's something to be aware of that doesn't make it on the news.

IANALawyer IANAParent I have never tried meth.
posted by cmoj at 1:56 PM on January 5, 2010


If you go to jail two or probably three times, it's not really hard to tell what kind of guy he is.

So do you mean you can tell he's bad, dumb, impoverished, unlucky, or not white?
posted by cmoj at 2:00 PM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


So do you mean you can tell he's bad, dumb, impoverished, unlucky, or not white?

The OP said he had a meth problem. So, already, we know he's not the best role model for two little kids, yes?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:03 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Well, in this case, the guy apparently admits that he committed a burglary, so it's not like he's never been involved in criminal activity and was just railroaded by The Man.

But sometimes people really do make a fresh start. And other times they don't. Only time will tell, and getting everything set in case you do have to make a move vis-a-vis custody if something goes wrong seems like the wisest course.

Also keeping the lines of communication open with your kids. Really important. But I bet you know that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:04 PM on January 5, 2010


The OP said he had a meth problem. So, already, we know he's not the best role model for two little kids, yes?

If he's overcome an addiction, I think he's a great role model. Kids need role models who have made mistakes and learned from them, not role models who are incorruptible and pure.

If he hasn't overcome an addiction, that's something else entirely.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:06 PM on January 5, 2010


The OP said he had a meth problem. So, already, we know he's not the best role model for two little kids, yes?

Unfortunately, the mother's right to freely associate doesn't turn on whether the people she associates with are "good role models".
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:06 PM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


Prior to the marriage her family tried to get me to "talk sense into her"

If, after they meet him, they still feel this way, their certification will be crucial if you apply for temporary custody.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 2:16 PM on January 5, 2010


Response by poster: > So do you mean you can tell he's bad, dumb, impoverished, unlucky, or not white?

Actually, I know he is:
- possibly bad - time will tell
- not dumb
- impoverished
- not lucky
- white
posted by Invoke at 2:21 PM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


I suppose the only thing I would add to this would be to find out if this new man in your ex's life is following a plan of sorts to remain off drugs - is he in NA or some other 12 step program for rehabilitating felons? I suppose that would count in his favor if he is. I would also like to know if he is a parent. Does he have children of his own?
Those questions would bring to bear what I would do, and I think you are being supremely cool (in all senses of the word) in your approach to this very peculiar and perhaps very volatile set of circumstances. My first instinct would be to push for full custody, but I really like the approach, (since you are on good terms with your ex) to offer to take the girls off her hands while she and her new man have a 'settling in period'.
Additionally, and I say this only at the end, because I am no expert of human behavior by any stretch of the imagination, but you mentioned that this man seems to be particularly charismatic. I am ALWAYS leery of That Guy.
posted by msali at 2:26 PM on January 5, 2010


Response by poster: Yes, he has (two?) kids. He does not have custody, and he is leaving them in the other state to move here. I thought it particularly worrisome that his kids (teens) declined to visit him in prison.
posted by Invoke at 2:29 PM on January 5, 2010


You need more information about him before drawing dire conclusions. I used to have a substantial daily drug habit and went on to do social work in the public schools with elementary school kids. I know a lot of ex-addicts who did time and went on to raise happy and healthy families. Which is not to say you concerns aren't merited, nor is it to assure you that this particular dude isn't a tweeker psychopath, but to state what I think is the fairly obvious, that while some people chronically relapse and reoffend, some people can and do reform. From the information provided here I don't think it's entirely clear yet which he is.
posted by The Straightener at 2:30 PM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


I was thinking you could tell that he's addicted and not thinking clearly, myself.

I do think you should meet the guy and find out whatever horrors he's got going on in detail. Or at least to collect ammunition for the upcoming and probably inevitable legal battle.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:32 PM on January 5, 2010


IANAL, I am a parent.

I think you need to be this guys new best friend. Like the old saying: "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer." I think you need to get your lawyer involved and like others have said get your ducks in a row, but I think you need to get involved in this guys life.

Since he is moving to a new area, you have the perfect opportunity (and excuse) to befriend this guy. Doing this is a good idea for a few reasons: 1) You will be able to get to know his personality. You can find out if he is really a nice guy trying to get his stuff together, or a user and a creep. 2) He will see that you are involved in your daughters' lives and will not tolerate any missteps on his part with regard to them 3) You will be able to see these missteps 4) Your ex will see you as being supportive of her, and will keep you in the communication loop. Believe me, you want to know if she is unhappy with this guy.

Also, by being this guy's friend you will hopefully be able to tell if he starts using again.
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:47 PM on January 5, 2010 [5 favorites]


I don't think you'll succeed in a suit for full custody. But OR is not WI, so... talk to a lawyer.

In my case, the mother's boyfriend got arrested for drug possession at her house. He had a string of petty arrests and jail time, and this was this second drug conviction. He was reported to the police by my son.

None of these facts made a whit of difference in the custody evaluation - they don't meet the criteria for child abuse.

Even after she assaulted me and her boyfriend tried to kick in my front door, the courts did not diminish her placement. It didn't meet the criteria for child abuse.

What did diminish her placement was her repeatedly violating the court order. Even after she was found in contempt and sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating the order the last time (she kept him for an overnight she wasn't supposed to have), she still has ~30% placement.

The boy doesn't want to go there any more because of the screwed up dynamic and fighting and yelling, but.... That is not actionable neglect, abuse, or harm. I can't really do shit about it until it rises to that level.

The courts are becoming less keen to separate kids from parents just because the parents suck. This is good and bad, and a derail I won't get into. But, the upside is that in my estimation the OP would be ill served by trying to get full(ish) custody at this point.

- it would drive the ex and her new beau closer together as they circle the wagons against this assault on their new family. (a common enemy and all that).
- it would establish to the kids that there are sides, and they have to chose. Even though we know they don't have to chose, they will feel it.
- it probably wouldn't have the results you expect
- it would be expensive. (I've dropped ~15k on lawyers fees in the past 3 years)

But, like I said. WI is not OR. My experience will only get you so far.

I think you are right to be worried. I would advise you to wait, and to prepare. I think you would be foolish to do anything more than that at this point. But I do fully understand your dilemma and your concerns. I wish you luck.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:50 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


You need to keep in mind that the potential consequences of inaction are far worse than what is likely to happen if you are proactive about getting your children out of this situation.

I strongly support the idea that you should get your legal ducks in a row now in case you need to use them later, and also insist that your children stay with you for a few months while your ex and her new bad idea are getting to know each other better. If she is not willing to go along with that then do whatever it takes to get your children back and to keep them away from that situation while it resolves itself.
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:51 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


But, the upside upshot, not upside. sorry.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:52 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think that rather than speculating on this guy, what you need to focus on are what positive steps you can take to ensure that a) you are able to respond to emergencies with your kids and b) you can continue to have a friendly relationship and open communication with their mother, which will help you c) develop lines of communication and a friendly relationship with her husband. C may or may not be an achievable goal, but if you act on that goal, I think that you will position yourself to make real assessments of this man and his relationships with your family in a way that does not threaten the things that are already working.

I agree with those who think you should consult a lawyer. Not to try to get full custody, but to get some advice about what your rights and responsibilities are should your daughters indicate that they are not safe or should you begin to worry about their safety based on concrete experiences (i.e., the daughter saw him doing meth, not he has a shady past).

I also think that unless you are seeing a drastic change in their mother's attitudes towards the girls or towards her role as a mother, they are probably not in a situation that will spiral very suddenly out of control. If you maintain your role as a friend and open communicator, then you should be able to keep an eye out for early warning signs and act accordingly.
posted by carmen at 2:58 PM on January 5, 2010


I'm not sure what "meeting the guy" will do. Does the OP have x-ray vision, is he able to peer into the Future, Past, and the Hearts of Men??

I think the "wait and see" period has expired on this situation. See below.




Here in the real world...

Yes, lawyer and being prepared to jump in at a moments notice to protect your girls. Yes, meth is bad, jail (2x!) is bad, jealousy=bad, charismatic types with a history of addiction and crime is very v. bad, ex-wife putting kids into a potentially harmful situation - it probably won't end well for her. You are 100% correct to do whatever you can to mitigate the effect this turn of events may have on your daughters.

Is keeping an open ear to your ex-wife creating the static that is confusing you? Is that why you are here on the green?? Maybe you can find a way to listen to her and not betray your true concerns and suspicions. Or perhaps it is now finally time to cease the charade you've been perpetrating for your ex's sake and start seeking full custody for the sake of your daughters' well being.

I'm sure there was always a chance prior to this moment that the relationship would dissolve before they ended up living together as a family. It seems foolish to keep hoping for that (or some other stroke of good luck!) when the ex-meth addict's arrival just gets closer and closer. I think it is your duty to take positive right action. Do that.

You're probably the only person left in your ex-wife's life still supporting her poor choice of mates. Subconsciously, I bet she knows you only "agree" with her to keep in close contact with your daughters. That is blackmail. Please see what you can do to put yourself and your girls in a position where their safety isn't a trade-off for feigned approval.

It's OK if you ex-wife is keen to be in harm's way. She has no right to put your daughters in danger, too.

Talk to a lawyer.

Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 3:00 PM on January 5, 2010


I'm not a lawyer, just a child of divorce, with a divorced sister (who makes questionable men choices), and a friend to lots of children of divorce/people who have been divorced. All I can offer is the human angle.

1. Meet him ASAP. When you meet him, you have every right to ask about his past, his plans for the future, etc. These are your children. Meet him first with the ex around, but try to talk one-on-one as well.
2. Frequently chat your kids up about him. What did you do together? Does New Man like to watch [insert children's show] with you? (If not, "Well, what's his favorite show?") Keep it casual, but pay attention to how willingly they talk about him, and what they say (or don't say).
3. Keep an eye out on any changes in the kiddo's behaviors. If New Man is dealing drugs and there's creepy people all over the house, it will affect the kids. Likewise if new Man is up for three weeks tweaked out and acting abnormal.
4. Try not to pass judgment until you know him and, ABOVE ALL ELSE, do not talk smack about him, or his past prison time, or his past drug use, in front of the kids. Don't let anyone else do it, either.

And finally:
5. Listen to your mother.
posted by caveat at 3:10 PM on January 5, 2010


I wanted to chime in as well, and say that it's not nearly as easy to win full custody even in crazy situations as you'd think. Mr. Zophi's kid's mom is a prescription drug addict who hasn't worked in years, feeds his kid McDonalds for most meals, but the courts don't consider a lot of things present dangers to children. I would definitely find a lawyer and be ready to fight if need be, but just know it'll be an uphill battle.

If your ex will go along with letting you take your kids in for now, then definitely go that route. I worry most about his charisma, as I once married that guy, and my life went through hell for 5 years to pay for it.
posted by Zophi at 3:12 PM on January 5, 2010


My ex believes that the parole breaking was all a big mistake. I don't know, it is hard to tell from the descriptions. Regardless, he had to serve the rest of his time in prison. He does not dispute that he was in jail for something he really did, burglary. It was on a meth binge. I hear that he has quit meth.

To listen to the defendant, broken parole is always a "big misunderstanding." I'd feel better about the guy if he admitted he screwed up.

He's apparently very charming.

Sociopaths almost always are.

My ex says that he's very charismatic, kids, dogs, and prison guards all love him.

No surprise. And about the prison guards ... they're just one step above inmates, in terms of the quality of person they are.

How can I protect my kids? What sorts of things are legitimate fears here? Am I being too much of a worrier? What would you do?

File a petition for custody. You have some very legitimate concerns here. Your ex can, of course, choose who she wants to be with --- but she is not free to choose whoever she wishes to be around her children.
posted by jayder at 3:26 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think a lot of people in this thread are living in an idealised and entirely theoretical world.

IANAL but there's nothing in your post that tells me that as things stand now, you could gain sole custody of the kids. Being a former meth addict doesn't automatically make you a bad person nor does it preclude you from being a decent parent or step-parent. Similarly, there is nothing that says ex-cons cannot be around children; the "ex" part indicates that you have paid your debt to society. The court will not remove children from a home on these bases.

Perhaps this person will make a fresh start and clean up his act. Perhaps not. Only time will tell and depending on the outcome, you do need a lawyer ready to act. Quietly lawyer up while keeping the ex-wife on side, would be my advice.

However, I am also not living idealised world, and I think you also have a due dilligence obligation to your kids here. I would do a very thorough check of your ex's new spouse and make sure you have the whole story, including all convictions. The thing with his own kids may be a red flag, and your wife may not have the full story from her new beau. You need data to act wisely here - some data will come with time, and some you can go out and get yourself.

This situation is scary and has the potential to go horribly awry, yes, but there is no need to hit the panic button. Be prepared and be vigilant; watch, and wait.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:35 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


I really like the idea of asking your ex-wife to give you full custody of the kids temporarily, while she and her new husband get settled. If, two weeks into the marriage, he's back in prison, then your ex can hardly blame you for holding on to the kids. On the other hand, if three months pass, your wife calls, and says everything is great, ready for the kids now, then at least you'll have more reason to give benefit of the doubt.

Of course, if your ex refuses this arrangement, then you can politely let her know that it's either that, or a fight for full custody starting immediately.

I commend you for not jumping to conclusions about his character just because he has been to prison. A lot of people have committed felonies who are not in prison, and a lot of people have done things in their lives that are pretty horrible, but legal. And a lot of drug addicts commit burglary, especially when they're poor.

I think the main question on the table here is: Will he relapse shortly after his release? Keeping your kids out of his way while that question is answered makes perfect sense.
posted by bingo at 4:02 PM on January 5, 2010


It is absolutely batshitinsane that your wife is marrying anyone she's only been in physical contact with for a week. Add to this that she's exposing her kids to the situation and the guy's background and you have a recipe for a total disaster. There is no reason to be getting married this fast or exposing your kids to this bizarre experiment.

I have no advice other than what's been suggested already: get a lawyer, keep your eyes on him, be on as friendly terms as possible, don't talk smack about him to your kids. Mostly, I would like to impress upon you that, yes, your ex has lost her mind.
posted by xammerboy at 4:46 PM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]


Best answer: offer to take the kids for a month (or however long) as a "honeymoon present". you may find that he'll talk her out of taking the kids back.
posted by elle.jeezy at 4:47 PM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


There's a reason they're called "cons." Prison inmates can be extemely charismatic - look how many folks were taken with Charles Manson back in the day. Browse through the boards at Prison Talk Online and see how many women have fallen in love with and married lifers and are patiently waiting for their release. Apparently our nation's jails are filled with innocent men who were in the wrong place at the wrong time and are merely misunderstood. Red flags in your case are this man leaving his own children behind and his rush to marry your ex. Also he's already broken parole once. Does he have a job lined up? It's hard enough for the average person to find work in the economy, so I'd imagine the deck is going to be solidly stacked against an ex-con. I don't think you're being a worrier at all; I agree with the advice to immediately begin whatever preliminary procedures are necessary to get full custody of your kids.
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:34 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Sounds like your knowledge of his prior criminal record comes from her -- you're not sure how many times he's been in jail. Does your mother have any friends in law enforcement who'd be willing to check his full record -- not just convictions, but arrests? You might find some surprises that would change the nature of this from "watch and see" to "get them out of there."
posted by palliser at 7:49 PM on January 5, 2010


Does your mother have any friends in law enforcement who'd be willing to check his full record

1. I would absolutely want to do this in your shoes, but:
2. I do not know your jurisdiction, but it is virtually certain that this is illegal to do, so you may not want to put your mom in that position
posted by prefpara at 8:07 PM on January 5, 2010


Best answer: Here is my greatest fear for your daughters. You're ex-wife probably has a job. Her ex-con, ex-meth-user current husband does not. Who is going to be alone with your daughters when they come home from school each day? You should give this person the same scrutiny that you'd give anyone who'll have access to your kids, especially unsupervised access. I bet you give a careful eye to daycare providers and scout leaders and coaches until your trust them fully. This guy gets the same treatment. If he's a reasonable person with kids of his own, he will completely understand.

Best case, he's kicked his addiction and is ready to be a good husband and step-parent. Worst case, you really don't want to think about that too specifically. Until you feel comfortable with the guy, he is firmly on the watch list.

Ask for temporary custody and be ready to move quickly if you need to take your daughters.
posted by 26.2 at 8:35 PM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Meet him ASAP. This shouldn't raise any hackles. If you didn't want to meet the dude who would be helping raise your kids, that would be a bad sign, no?

Check in with your lawyer just in case, get the paperwork filled out to petition for custody just in case you have to pull the trigger.

I don't know what kind of dynamic you have with your ex-wife, but if I were in your shoes, I would find a way to talk to her alone to say basically that:

a) you trust her as your children's mom,
b) but as a parent to these girls, you've gotta be a little leery of people you don't know being around your kids,
c) and looksee, you've trusted her so far,
d) but For The Love Of All That Is Good And Holy she needs to let you know immediately if she has the slightest twinge of ever thinking that maybe it would be a good thing for you to take the kids for a little break, and you will come running no questions aske for the time being,
e) and you would expect her to give you the exact same speech if the situation was reversed.

And an offer of a month honeymoon for them is a GREAT idea.

I'm going to downplay the meth angle, because I think that the poverty and the instability are a much bigger problem. (Plenty of nice, salaried, outwardly dapper folks find their way to something speedy, including meth, and no-one really raises an eyebrow as long as they can keep their job. When poor folks do drugs, it's all about THE DRUGS, but the problem is really the instability and lack of cushion.)
posted by desuetude at 10:01 PM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]


I really think the offer to care for your kids for a month to give the new couple honeymoon time is a brilliant idea. If this guy is trying to fix his life, it'll allow him some breathing room back in the real world, allow your ex to get to know him better, and your girls get a whole month of dad time. If he's an addict and a conman, it'll allow your wife time to spot it and deal with the fallout without endangering your daughters.

But really, you gotta go meet this guy. It's the only way you're going to be able to judge for yourself.

Finally, being prepared to care for them if the need arises. I really doubt you're going to gain custody by force, but if their marriage turns into a steaming pile of horror, I suspect your ex wife may well be thankful for the assistance.
posted by Jilder at 11:11 PM on January 5, 2010


What do your kids want? I am a lawyer and in NYC children are entitled to counsel in a custody dispute. Maybe you should ask them how they feel about this guy.
posted by thermopolis at 8:29 AM on January 6, 2010


Oof. Everything's been said, but I want to reiterate. Listen to your mother, use her resources, and know that it is okay to be selfish. Especially when it's for the greater good of your family. Good luck.
posted by Juicy Avenger at 9:06 AM on January 6, 2010


Does your mother have any friends in law enforcement who'd be willing to check his full record -- not just convictions, but arrests?

There is no need to go this route; it is a big no-no for the officer, your mom, and you. You can either look it up yourself on the internet (in some states) or hire a private investigator to do so. Let the PI handle the liability.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:48 AM on January 6, 2010


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