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What do I do with my Dad?
January 5, 2010 1:45 AM   Subscribe

What I do with a manipulative, probably child molester Dad?

It's a long one, I'm sorry, but I am in extreme duress and I need to vent and get help. When I was about ten my Mum and Dad split up, but it was messy. Mum wanted it over and done with as soon as possible, while Dad would tell us stuff like "She wants the police to take me away" while stopping us from calling Mum, and pretending to collapse because 'Mum had taken away all the food'. It probably has screwed us up: I am suffering with extreme OCD, so bad I cannot work or go out (althought that's changing), as well as spontaniusly bursting into tears the moment someone shouts at me or tells me off. My two little sisters, one tried to run away from home, the other is about to get therapy. I think it has to do with Dad.

But he married again, and he had two kids, and for a while, I thought that was good, but then, my Dad and step-mum split up over a year ago. During the time, my step-brother said casually to my step-mum, that 'Dad hurt him', he then said laterthat his 'Bum hurts because Dad put his willy in there'. You'd think the courts would listen, but apparently they're too young to have that counted as evidence. My sister also keeps crying at school, she's not allowed to tell anyone why she's crying. I think it might be to do with Dad. Oh yeah, Dad tried to drunkenly rape my step-mum and punched a hole in the wall, I think that might be what kicked off the divorce.

So basically we've got an extremily manipulative (he smooth talks the pants of anyone), abusive, probably child molester walking the streets freely. Words cannot describe my anger, that my famil is going through, and I need help. Please give me advice.
posted by Jazzwick to Human Relations (12 answers total)
 
you have my deepest sympathies, I cannot imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. You mentioned the courts and evidence... have you actually contacted the child protection agencies? The kids need protection
posted by moorooka at 2:29 AM on January 5, 2010


So, did all this happen over a year ago? If it's that old, there's probably very little physical evidence at this point to collect. I'm not sure where you are in the world and what your local law requires, but I would imagine at this point the best thing to do would be to visit the police and have a conversation with them about what they need to build a case. It will likely involve the victims significantly; they will have to be willing to go to court and tell their stories in front of people and deal with the long, painful process (which can take months or years), and face the possibility that it may all end in a not guilty verdict.

If they do not want to go through all that, I wouldn't blame them. Additionally, while him being in prison would probably be satisfying, it's not going to undo the damage done to your family.

The best advice I can give you is to consult with your family and see how they want to proceed, then speak to the police if they are willing. Even if they don't take a criminal case, the cops can often point you to resources in your community for abuse survivors.
posted by Menthol at 2:31 AM on January 5, 2010


Some questions that might help people give you a better answer:

Are you a child yourself?
Do you still live with your Dad?
I'm assuming you're in the UK because of your previous question; is that right?

In the UK, children can ring Childline on 0800 1111.
Adults who are worried about other children can call the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000.

Or call your local Social Services.

Call one of those numbers right now and tell them what you have said here. They will help you work out what you should do for the best.

Here is a page that explains more about what happens when you talk to the NSPCC or Social Services about child abuse concerns.
posted by emilyw at 2:35 AM on January 5, 2010 [5 favorites]


It's conflicting, they say they have evidence, but not enough, and then they say they're too young to have what they say taken in court. The child services have been involved, I think they haven't done much.
posted by Jazzwick at 2:41 AM on January 5, 2010


And unfortunately I'm twenty/20. I live with my Mum.
posted by Jazzwick at 2:43 AM on January 5, 2010


You could still try calling the NSPCC. They could tell you whether there's anything you can do, and they will have a much better idea of how the UK social services system works than a bunch of people on the internet.

It's tough to convict someone of a crime like this but it's NOT tough for a father to lose all custody of his children, or to be required to have custody visits supervised.
posted by emilyw at 3:06 AM on January 5, 2010


There was an examination, damage was found but not enough to be convicted. And my sister's 13.
posted by Jazzwick at 3:27 AM on January 5, 2010


even if there's not enough evidence to convict the dad for molestation, the incident with the step-mum should be grounds for a police restraining order, and with everything else that has gone down she could get sole custody... unfortunately it sounds like a complicated legal matter but I'm sure there are people in the relevant agencies that can give you advice. whatever you do, don't put up with it.
posted by moorooka at 4:01 AM on January 5, 2010


Thank you all for you advice.
posted by Jazzwick at 4:05 AM on January 5, 2010


What have the conversations been between you and your Mother, you and your Step-Mother? You can't solve your whole family's problems on your own which it sort of sounds like you're trying to do? What is your relationship with your half siblings? You should encourage them that they can tell you absolutely anything and that you will believe them and take care of them.

I think you should have a frank discussion with your Mom about this and that you two should have a frank discussion with step-mom about this. Sadly, what typically seems to happen in these situations is that people don't want to face these kinds of issues and they'd rather everything get swept under the rug so that they don't have to confront the abuser and the ways in which they had been complicit in the abuser's actions. However, the most important thing is that the young kids are looked after and a confrontation will at the least bring this issue to light and it will be harder if not impossible to overlook any additional signs of trouble with the kids. I can't imagine how the imagination of a child could come up with "willy in the bum" because that is so outside of their experience and understanding. This child's assertion should be seen as irrefutable proof in my opinion.

I think you should also research what your options are as a family for limiting or prohibiting contact between your Dad and these kids. You should present that information to the moms.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this but I don't think you can solve everything here and unfortunately you can't do it alone. Find out what the resources available are and go from there with the adults.
posted by amanda at 8:03 AM on January 5, 2010


Does your dad still have access to the kids? If that evidence isn't enough to convict him of a crime, is it enough to make it so your step-mom gets total custody of the kids and he is prevented from seeing them? (I have no clue how things work in the UK) Does your step-mom have any kind of legal counsel to ask about making sure he is not allowed to ever have the kids?
posted by ishotjr at 8:31 AM on January 5, 2010


Yeah he's not allowed anymore, it's more the him walking the streets that gets me.
posted by Jazzwick at 1:49 PM on January 5, 2010


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