I think my girlfriend may have vaginismus.
January 4, 2010 7:06 AM   Subscribe

I'm pretty sure my girlfriend has a mild to medium case of vaginismus, though IANAD. Any tips from both guys and ladies who have dealt with this would be appreciated. Anonymous email and NSFW details inside.

First, some brief history. I've been seeing a girl for a couple of months, and things are starting to get pretty serious. She is rather inexperienced, but we have very good communication. When we decided to have sex, she informed me she'd only had sex a few times (not partners, actual times) so it might be kind of tight. I didn't really think much of this, and being more experienced than her, was rather surprised to find out that by 'tight' she actually meant 'like trying to get it on with a sheet of really sexy tank armor.' Her legs sort of reflexively blocked me from trying to thrust any deeper as well, and she said it was because of the pain but told me to keep trying. I did, but it didn't go anywhere and a soon lost a suitable erection to continue, I didn't want to hurt her even if she seemed to want me to.

After this, we took a break, and she told me it was genetic and just the front muscles were tight, I just had to push past it and the inside was fine. Again, I thought this all sounded very strange. Needless to say, despite several more attempts (at her urging, despite me offering alternative means) the same thing happened. At the very last attempt, since she seemed so determined, I really jack hammered it in there (sorry for the imagery, ladies) and managed to sort of get it in, but shortly lost my erection again for the same reasons.

Now, she wasn't lying about the penetrative sex (she uses tampons, and I was able to finger her, though that still felt kind of tight), but I sure wasn't able to pull it off, despite the proverbial mefi catchall of 'buckets of lube.' And she was DEFINITELY properly aroused.

So, as I mentioned earlier, it sounds like she might kind of be aware of the problem, but she also told me the last guy she was with (the only other boyfriend she's had) tried to say something was wrong with her, "just because I am really tight." For a while I thought that maybe she was just really tight (to the point of being unlike anything I thought existed), but I did some research and came across vaginismus.

I really like this girl, and she seems to really want to have sex with me despite the pain, so I want to help her through this in the best way. Since she seems to be at least partially aware of what's going on, I think I'll start by asking if she's heard of it, but after that, I'm not sure how to best approach the matter. My game plan extends to just telling her I think vaginismus is a problem, but I'm worried about how she mentioned her last boyfriend 'tried to tell her something was wrong with her.' I'm hoping he basically said exactly that with no tact or suggestion other than her ladyparts were broken (this was not why they broke up, he had been cheating on her the whole while and she found out pretty quickly).

So, any suggestions/experiences would be great. Should I suggest a self-help kit with some dopey DVD? A sex therapist? (Probably really expensive, right?). Could I just be full of it and she is just unbelievably tight?

If you don't want to respond with your username, please email responses to bildub577@gmail.com. Thanks!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Pretty sure her gyno is the person to whom she must turn. You have a support role here.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:32 AM on January 4, 2010 [2 favorites]


The first big huge flashing question is: What does her gyn say? She has a gyn, right? And she goes for checkups regularly, right? Right?

If she doesn't have a gyn or is, gods forbid, too embarrassed to discuss this with her gyn, it might be less intimidating to go to Planned Parenthood for a checkup. Those docs and nurse practitioners have heard EVERYTHING. And you can go with her and hold her hand (not during the actual exam, but probably for the before/after chat.)

She could just be really, really, really nervous, despite her arousal. Or she could be angled a bit funny in a way that makes penetration in some positions quite difficult. Or she could have vaginismus.

Try to figure out a way to affirm that you really really really like her and want this too, but that sex is not supposed to hurt her like that.
posted by desuetude at 7:40 AM on January 4, 2010 [3 favorites]


There is treatment for this, but she needs to see her gyno for options. It can take trying several things before something works. If you really like her, make sure to be supportive of her, and try not to get frustrated, because it's really not her fault. I know you know that, but it's easy to forget that sometimes when things get difficult.
posted by ishotjr at 7:51 AM on January 4, 2010


The answer to your question is self-evident in your very first sentence. You are not a doctor. Her gyn should be able to determine whether or not this is a physical problem and subsequently whether or not it is vaginismus.

Don't get too fixated on any one diagnosis before you even know what's going on. It could be a million different things, all of which could be helped with radically different approaches. Until you know what is causing the tightness - if there is a medically relevant tightness in the first place - you can't find a solution.
posted by lydhre at 8:46 AM on January 4, 2010


In general, "Just ram it on in there" is not a good approach for pain like that. But her gynecologist will be able to tell her that. HER GYNECOLOGIST.

Why don't you guys have other kinds of sex until she goes to see HER GYNECOLOGIST? That's the most helpful thing you can do--experiment about other fun sexy ways of getting her off, and getting you off, that don't involve unintentional pain.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:07 AM on January 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


Why don't you guys have other kinds of sex until she goes to see HER GYNECOLOGIST?

Agreed. Even if she insists. She's probably scared of losing you. She's not really thinking straight if she's just telling you to go forward. Let her know you are going to stand by her while she works through what is going on with her.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:38 AM on January 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think part of the question here is how to make her comfortable broaching the subject with her gynecologist.

If I were you, I'd focus on the pain she feels, not on your experiences. Explain that you'd like her to talk to a gynecologist about this issue because you don't want to cause her pain. You'd like to know what options there are to stop causing this level of pain.

I'm not sure I'd mention your research on vaginismus; a good gynecologist will have this problem in mind already, and you don't want to come across as saying "something is wrong with you". It'd be much better if you came across as "I don't want you to be in pain anymore, let's see what we can do to alleviate that."
posted by nat at 9:48 AM on January 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


To clarify, anonymous, if she's not going to a gyn or is not discussing this with her gyn, you need to convince her to do so.

You've already got a good start -- "look, I can't stay hard if I'm causing you pain like that. That's crazy, and would make me a bad boyfriend. Let's go find out how to make this work together. This is what doctors are for, they're experts on anatomy, right?"

(I'm suspecting that perhaps anonymous's girlfriend needs a nudge in this direction from a nice, unembarrassed boyfriend. It's often really, really difficult for young women to bring up their sexual health with their doctor. I tell you what, no-one would ever suspect me of being too shy to talk about sex, but between some judgmental early docs and my own insecurity, but I sure as hell didn't discuss anything but the most perfunctory personal information with my doc until I was older.)
posted by desuetude at 9:50 AM on January 4, 2010 [1 favorite]


For all the people yelling "GYNO", it doesn't seem to me that the OP is opposed to having his girlfriend see a gyno. It seems like he is interested in having her seek some diagnosis/treatment if she hasn't already, but he doesn't know how to approach it because even though he (and we) can clearly see that something is wrong, or at least, let's say *not average*, she had a boyfriend who hurt/offended her by suggesting that something was wrong with her.

Furthermore, this is the kind of stuff that women have an unbelievably hard time getting diagnosed by doctors, and so if she *does* have a problem but doesn't advocate for herself, and gets brushed off by the gyno, this may actually set her back years in terms of seeking treatment. Any woman approaching a gyno with this kind of problem should be prepared for the brush-off, being told it's in her head, being told it's a rash (!) or some other wrong diagnosis, etc. Not to say this will happen, but it is certainly well within the range of possibility, and any woman approaching a gyno with hard to quantify vaginal pain needs to be in a frame of mind where they can stand their ground, feel confident in asserting their problem, and seek second opinions. Which means that it might be useful for her to do a little research before she approaches the doctor.

OP, I would approach this from where you are coming from. Tell her that you don't feel comfortable causing her pain, and emphasize that you like her, want to get off mutually, but that you are willing to take the penetration part of sex a little slower to see if there are other ways that you can ease the pain rather than just "pushing through". Suggest that the two of you do a little research together into how to have painless sex with "tight" women. You could check out if there are any sex-positive sex shops in your area. For example, Come as you are, which is "disability positive" and may have some resources on hand or that they could point you to about pain during sex. Do some online searching together. Find out if "genetic" is a diagnosis, or if she just knows that other women in her family have the same problem. Be encouraging and listen, and if it comes to a point where she might start to see that she has symptoms of something diagnosable--vaginismus or otherwise--then be encouraging of her seeking medical treatment while reassuring her that you see her taking steps as a positive part of taking care of her body and sexuality, not as evidence that "something is wrong" with her as a person or as a sexual being.

As for those saying that she is only pushing through the pain because she is afraid of losing him, as someone with (different) vaginal pain issues, this may or may not be true. With some kinds of vaginal pain, if you can make it through the first X minutes or so, it goes away mostly or entirely. So if that is her experience, she may have a purely personal reason for her approach. However, even if that is the case, it would still be worth talking to a doctor if she can find one who takes her seriously.
posted by carmen at 9:58 AM on January 4, 2010 [4 favorites]


So does every woman in America have a "gyn" then? Or just those with insurance?
posted by A189Nut at 11:02 AM on January 4, 2010


So does every woman in America have a "gyn" then? Or just those with insurance?

Planned Parenthood and public and private women's clinics provide gynecological exams, STD testing, prenatal care for pregnant women. Generally the fees are on a sliding scale dependent on income and insurance status.

Private-practice gyns will frequently provide care to un-insured or under-insured women; if they are aware that the patient has no insurance, they will often negotiate a more reasonable per-visit rate than what insurance pays.
posted by desuetude at 11:57 AM on January 4, 2010


Planned Parenthood, A189Nut, provides more than just family planning services. (No, it isn't available everywhere; yes, it's possible that the OP's girl is not able to find one in a reasonable distance and also does not have any other access to a physician; OP, if the issue is affordability/availability of GYN care, might be worth an update with some location/situation issue so we can be sure to help with that aspect too.)

PP also does men's health too; from my understanding cost is sliding scale for whatever services are needed for either gender.
posted by nat at 12:01 PM on January 4, 2010


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