ME JANE. ME LIKE YOU.
December 27, 2009 6:24 PM Subscribe
Help me be more direct in telling someone I like them, but not so direct as to be weird.
This is a longstanding problem of mine. I'll meet someone, and after a little while I'll realize that I like them-- a lot. But I find it really difficult to let them know.
Every time this happens I end up sending tons of mixed messages: I do things like inviting the guy out, but not making it clear that it's a date, or saying "Hey,let's get a group together to go do X."
So, I know I need to stop mixing messages. But I just don't know what to say that will be clear but not strange, as it seems "I like you. Do you like me?" would be. What do I say?
Anon because I sometimes date mefites. I'm a woman in my 20s, and yes, I'm talking to my therapist about this.
This is a longstanding problem of mine. I'll meet someone, and after a little while I'll realize that I like them-- a lot. But I find it really difficult to let them know.
Every time this happens I end up sending tons of mixed messages: I do things like inviting the guy out, but not making it clear that it's a date, or saying "Hey,let's get a group together to go do X."
So, I know I need to stop mixing messages. But I just don't know what to say that will be clear but not strange, as it seems "I like you. Do you like me?" would be. What do I say?
Anon because I sometimes date mefites. I'm a woman in my 20s, and yes, I'm talking to my therapist about this.
I'm not sure what you're doing that makes the dateness unclear but you can always throw in the word date. As a general rule (at least for guys) asking someone out in a non-specific way is lame. So: "You want to go on a date sometime? This new bar/movie/restaurant is pretty kickass, we could check it out Friday?" (All one utterance.)
Then they can say, yes or "yes I do want to go on a date sometime but not this friday" or various forms of no.
posted by Wood at 6:41 PM on December 27, 2009
Then they can say, yes or "yes I do want to go on a date sometime but not this friday" or various forms of no.
posted by Wood at 6:41 PM on December 27, 2009
Flirt a lot more. It isn't the asking out that's the problem, its likely the date behavior that creates ambiguity.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:58 PM on December 27, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 6:58 PM on December 27, 2009 [3 favorites]
Try flirting with the guy. This can be somewhat helpful. Drops lots of hints you like him... act kind of touchy feely towards him. Makes lots of eye contact.
I usually just ask him if he likes me or I say, "I like you!"
So, be direct! Nothing wrong with taking charge, that's not strange at all.
posted by OrangeSoda at 6:59 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
I usually just ask him if he likes me or I say, "I like you!"
So, be direct! Nothing wrong with taking charge, that's not strange at all.
posted by OrangeSoda at 6:59 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
Unless you're Mormon or in high school, if you tell someone, "Hey,let's get a group together to go do X," then they probably think, "Oh, this person is clearly trying to put me in the friend zone."
Honestly, I don't know what the big risk is in asking someone out. Most people you meet decide pretty quickly whether they think you are attractive or interesting enough to go out on a date with, and even undecideds will often say yes if they don't know what else to say. If they say no, you're not losing anything other than the fantasy of going on a date with them. And since there are lots of other people out there, this is no big loss really, even if it feels (very temporarily) bad to get rejected.
Being direct with someone is rarely perceived as weird unless you stray pretty far off the standard script. Saying to someone, "I have a confession to make: I know we've just met a few times, but I'd really like to go on a date with you" is like the least offensive thing you can say to someone, unless you say it from the other side of their shower curtain or pay someone to sky-write it or something.
posted by hermitosis at 7:07 PM on December 27, 2009 [11 favorites]
Honestly, I don't know what the big risk is in asking someone out. Most people you meet decide pretty quickly whether they think you are attractive or interesting enough to go out on a date with, and even undecideds will often say yes if they don't know what else to say. If they say no, you're not losing anything other than the fantasy of going on a date with them. And since there are lots of other people out there, this is no big loss really, even if it feels (very temporarily) bad to get rejected.
Being direct with someone is rarely perceived as weird unless you stray pretty far off the standard script. Saying to someone, "I have a confession to make: I know we've just met a few times, but I'd really like to go on a date with you" is like the least offensive thing you can say to someone, unless you say it from the other side of their shower curtain or pay someone to sky-write it or something.
posted by hermitosis at 7:07 PM on December 27, 2009 [11 favorites]
I Like you. Do you like me?
[] YES
[] NO
Seriously. "Hey, want to go out sometime?" is a really good indicator to someone that your interested.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:14 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
[] YES
[] NO
Seriously. "Hey, want to go out sometime?" is a really good indicator to someone that your interested.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:14 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
OH GOD YOU'RE OH GOD. I can't believe I just did that.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:14 PM on December 27, 2009 [31 favorites]
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:14 PM on December 27, 2009 [31 favorites]
Seconding that you need to directly say, "Hey, I was interested in hitting up this (sports event, movie, new restaurant) with you this weekend. Is it a date?"
They absolutely must respond, and if they are all "Uhhhmm no...?" ASK THEM TO CLARIFY, "So, not this weekend or not as a date?"
posted by banannafish at 7:35 PM on December 27, 2009
They absolutely must respond, and if they are all "Uhhhmm no...?" ASK THEM TO CLARIFY, "So, not this weekend or not as a date?"
posted by banannafish at 7:35 PM on December 27, 2009
Who gives a shit about being weird? You know, you're allowed to 'fuck up' your life...especially in small, insignificant ways. Being forward (or short of that, blunt and awkward) can be empowering. If things go your way, it's always nice to have that little fumbling awkward moment that you shared with somebody, that you both look back on as something nothing short of human and tender. Really, that's the good stuff. Not the rehearsed or scripted, pragmatically perfect hollywood movie version of what you should say if you were the slickest heroine that ever lived.
Besides, a lot of things really come down to timing. Maybe you say perfect thing X, but dude really is in the space where he needs to hear perfect thing Y. How would you know? How is that in any way a reflection of the delivery of idea X?
My point is, go let your freak flag fly. Try saying whatever it is you need to say, in whatever way seems like a good way to try out at the time. Be direct, or weird, or whatever, until you find your voice. May work, may not. Most times the success of that thing will be largely determined by something else, out of your immediate control.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:37 PM on December 27, 2009 [24 favorites]
Besides, a lot of things really come down to timing. Maybe you say perfect thing X, but dude really is in the space where he needs to hear perfect thing Y. How would you know? How is that in any way a reflection of the delivery of idea X?
My point is, go let your freak flag fly. Try saying whatever it is you need to say, in whatever way seems like a good way to try out at the time. Be direct, or weird, or whatever, until you find your voice. May work, may not. Most times the success of that thing will be largely determined by something else, out of your immediate control.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:37 PM on December 27, 2009 [24 favorites]
Flattery. When he says something funny, laugh, then say, I like your sense of humor. If he's being really sweet, say you're a really nice person, it's one of my favorite things about you. Tell him he looks good in that blue shirt. Don't lie. Just add more nice comments that are true.
posted by theora55 at 7:47 PM on December 27, 2009
posted by theora55 at 7:47 PM on December 27, 2009
Try flirting with the guy. This can be somewhat helpful. Drops lots of hints you like him... act kind of touchy feely towards him. Makes lots of eye contact.
Whoops, I mean: Drop lots of hints. Make lots of eye contact.
posted by OrangeSoda at 7:55 PM on December 27, 2009
Whoops, I mean: Drop lots of hints. Make lots of eye contact.
posted by OrangeSoda at 7:55 PM on December 27, 2009
Ladies, from social maladjusts everywhere, DROP THE PRETENSES and ASK US OUT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. Not everyone will get the hint, no matter how hard and how often you drop it.
Sorry for the heteronormative assumptions above.
posted by squorch at 8:01 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sorry for the heteronormative assumptions above.
posted by squorch at 8:01 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
I do this a lot (with women) and have received this a lot (from women). I'm male.
There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly. When I was interested, it was awesome. So- be careful about being too forward. If you do it too soon, or before the guy really knows you, it can put him in a fairly uncomfortable position.
Handily, we have flirting! Comments like "you're really fun" or "we should hang out more" are pretty clear indicators that you're interested, but casual enough that there's no drama if he's taken, or not interested in seeing anyone, or whatever. Eye contact is great too.
And have fun! Flirting is fun! The more you enjoy it as playful banter instead of stressful social test, the more successful you'll be.
posted by twirlypen at 8:03 PM on December 27, 2009
There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly. When I was interested, it was awesome. So- be careful about being too forward. If you do it too soon, or before the guy really knows you, it can put him in a fairly uncomfortable position.
Handily, we have flirting! Comments like "you're really fun" or "we should hang out more" are pretty clear indicators that you're interested, but casual enough that there's no drama if he's taken, or not interested in seeing anyone, or whatever. Eye contact is great too.
And have fun! Flirting is fun! The more you enjoy it as playful banter instead of stressful social test, the more successful you'll be.
posted by twirlypen at 8:03 PM on December 27, 2009
Who gives a shit about being weird? You know, you're allowed to 'fuck up' your life...especially in small, insignificant ways. Being forward (or short of that, blunt and awkward) can be empowering. If things go your way, it's always nice to have that little fumbling awkward moment that you shared with somebody, that you both look back on as something nothing short of human and tender. Really, that's the good stuff. Not the rehearsed or scripted, pragmatically perfect hollywood movie version of what you should say if you were the slickest heroine that ever lived.
Besides, a lot of things really come down to timing. Maybe you say perfect thing X, but dude really is in the space where he needs to hear perfect thing Y. How would you know? How is that in any way a reflection of the delivery of idea X?
My point is, go let your freak flag fly. Try saying whatever it is you need to say, in whatever way seems like a good way to try out at the time. Be direct, or weird, or whatever, until you find your voice. May work, may not. Most times the success of that thing will be largely determined by something else, out of your immediate control.
OP, listen to this. Get a tatoo of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:25 PM on December 27, 2009
Besides, a lot of things really come down to timing. Maybe you say perfect thing X, but dude really is in the space where he needs to hear perfect thing Y. How would you know? How is that in any way a reflection of the delivery of idea X?
My point is, go let your freak flag fly. Try saying whatever it is you need to say, in whatever way seems like a good way to try out at the time. Be direct, or weird, or whatever, until you find your voice. May work, may not. Most times the success of that thing will be largely determined by something else, out of your immediate control.
OP, listen to this. Get a tatoo of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:25 PM on December 27, 2009
"I like you. Do you like me?"
If a girl said exactly this to me I wouldn't think it strange in the least. Just a data point for you.
posted by freem at 8:41 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
If a girl said exactly this to me I wouldn't think it strange in the least. Just a data point for you.
posted by freem at 8:41 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
You can be direct without being weird. Being direct can be sexy. I like "me Jane. Me like you." I might use it sometime. If you're trying to bag a cute nerd, that's a pretty great line! Being bold and going for it can be empowering and effective.
posted by prefpara at 8:42 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by prefpara at 8:42 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I like you. Do you like me?" If a girl said exactly this to me I wouldn't think it strange in the least. Just a data point for you.
Bingo. 9 out of 10 guys feel the same way.
posted by OrangeSoda at 9:00 PM on December 27, 2009
Bingo. 9 out of 10 guys feel the same way.
posted by OrangeSoda at 9:00 PM on December 27, 2009
freem: ""I like you. Do you like me?" "
Oh.
Is that what it means?
Well, then, now.
I guess I'd better second Ironmouth here:
squorch: "Ladies, from social maladjusts everywhere, DROP THE PRETENSES and ASK US OUT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. Not everyone will get the hint, no matter how hard and how often you drop it."
posted by d. z. wang at 9:18 PM on December 27, 2009
Oh.
Is that what it means?
Well, then, now.
I guess I'd better second Ironmouth here:
squorch: "Ladies, from social maladjusts everywhere, DROP THE PRETENSES and ASK US OUT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. Not everyone will get the hint, no matter how hard and how often you drop it."
posted by d. z. wang at 9:18 PM on December 27, 2009
And "Ironmouth" means "squorch" here, of course.
posted by d. z. wang at 9:19 PM on December 27, 2009
posted by d. z. wang at 9:19 PM on December 27, 2009
"I like you. Do you like me?" If a girl said exactly this to me I wouldn't think it strange in the least. Just a data point for you.
Bingo. 9 out of 10 guys feel the same way.
I think you're both assuming that, you know, you like the girl. You might feel a bit different if you didn't.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 9:23 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
Bingo. 9 out of 10 guys feel the same way.
I think you're both assuming that, you know, you like the girl. You might feel a bit different if you didn't.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 9:23 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
My life dating life improved exponentially when I started being totally direct: "Want to go on a date?" "Can I kiss you?" "Wanna make out?"
The key to confidence in such behavior is to realize a few things:
1) It is way better to know immediately than to spend weeks/months/years hoping that maybe the other person will make a move. Keeping silent out of the fear that the other person is not romantically interested now, but may become interested if you play your cards exactly right, is a terribly tedious and anxiety-provoking way to live your life, and it will make you miserable.
2) If someone says no it does not mean that you, as a person, are a loser. It just means that for one reason or another, this one singular person in the world would rather not make your relationship romantic. Which is not a big deal. It's not a referendum on you as a person. It's a referendum on the relationship -- which is a significant distinction.
3) Being direct usually comes off as charming. And those who are put off by it are either: a) not in to you romantically, which again, is good to know, so you can move on; or b) wishy-washy non-committal types who would probably not be great to be in a relationship with anyway, because they prefer things vague and frustrating and weird.
To sum up: nthing the say what you feel advice. It might be hard at first, but it works better than silently hoping, and makes you feel way more in control of your life.
posted by blapst at 9:32 PM on December 27, 2009 [15 favorites]
The key to confidence in such behavior is to realize a few things:
1) It is way better to know immediately than to spend weeks/months/years hoping that maybe the other person will make a move. Keeping silent out of the fear that the other person is not romantically interested now, but may become interested if you play your cards exactly right, is a terribly tedious and anxiety-provoking way to live your life, and it will make you miserable.
2) If someone says no it does not mean that you, as a person, are a loser. It just means that for one reason or another, this one singular person in the world would rather not make your relationship romantic. Which is not a big deal. It's not a referendum on you as a person. It's a referendum on the relationship -- which is a significant distinction.
3) Being direct usually comes off as charming. And those who are put off by it are either: a) not in to you romantically, which again, is good to know, so you can move on; or b) wishy-washy non-committal types who would probably not be great to be in a relationship with anyway, because they prefer things vague and frustrating and weird.
To sum up: nthing the say what you feel advice. It might be hard at first, but it works better than silently hoping, and makes you feel way more in control of your life.
posted by blapst at 9:32 PM on December 27, 2009 [15 favorites]
I've known women that I like but I could not ask, no matter how many hints she droped. I'm often quite suave & efficient with other women. I find this inconsistent behavior baffling, admittedly I learned dating fairly late, and often faced cultural differences, but the issue seems common. So you can easily forego guy who like you if you never ask.
Also, males are expected to be all suave when asking, and poor execution seriously hurts their chances, but females are allowed infinitely more leeway.
posted by jeffburdges at 9:35 PM on December 27, 2009
Also, males are expected to be all suave when asking, and poor execution seriously hurts their chances, but females are allowed infinitely more leeway.
posted by jeffburdges at 9:35 PM on December 27, 2009
I'm not the OP, though I very well could have asked a similar question.
To everyone who's suggesting forwardness, how do you respond to twirlypen's statement of
"There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly."
Personally, that's what gives me pause about being so direct.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:37 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
To everyone who's suggesting forwardness, how do you respond to twirlypen's statement of
"There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly."
Personally, that's what gives me pause about being so direct.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:37 PM on December 27, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think you're both assuming that, you know, you like the girl. You might feel a bit different if you didn't.
Why? I wouldn't find it strange if a girl I didn't have romantic feelings for asked me this. I'd just tell her I didn't feel the same, and then we could just be friends. Or not. Regardless, not strange.
posted by freem at 9:42 PM on December 27, 2009
Why? I wouldn't find it strange if a girl I didn't have romantic feelings for asked me this. I'd just tell her I didn't feel the same, and then we could just be friends. Or not. Regardless, not strange.
posted by freem at 9:42 PM on December 27, 2009
I think you're both assuming that, you know, you like the girl. You might feel a bit different if you didn't.
Why? I wouldn't find it strange if a girl I didn't have romantic feelings for asked me this. I'd just tell her I didn't feel the same, and then we could just be friends. Or not. Regardless, not strange.
Yeah, um, I would just say it to the guy and expect an honest answer... then go from there. If the guy didn't like me, fine. Best to get it out in the open. It's not weird at all in the least bit. All I want is a straightforward honest answer.
I should probably say-- have some inkling what you are getting in to. It's really simple to tell if a guy likes you. He shows you basic signals. Please don't just meet a guy and two days later tell him you are madly in love with him and you want to have his kids. That's not what I am getting at. Feel him out a little. I've had guys do that and it is never, ever pleasant.
To everyone who's suggesting forwardness, how do you respond to twirlypen's statement of "There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly."
Then you most likely don't want that person as a friend. Sorry, just being honest here. If they only like you in that way then that's it. It will be very hard for them to move down into friend territory comfortably. In an age where facebook, myspace and twitter prolong relationships unnecessarily long there is something to be said for severing cantankerous frenemies and ex's.
Ladies, do not hesitate to be open honest and direct. Most guys like this. I have never gone wrong with this approach.
posted by OrangeSoda at 10:15 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why? I wouldn't find it strange if a girl I didn't have romantic feelings for asked me this. I'd just tell her I didn't feel the same, and then we could just be friends. Or not. Regardless, not strange.
Yeah, um, I would just say it to the guy and expect an honest answer... then go from there. If the guy didn't like me, fine. Best to get it out in the open. It's not weird at all in the least bit. All I want is a straightforward honest answer.
I should probably say-- have some inkling what you are getting in to. It's really simple to tell if a guy likes you. He shows you basic signals. Please don't just meet a guy and two days later tell him you are madly in love with him and you want to have his kids. That's not what I am getting at. Feel him out a little. I've had guys do that and it is never, ever pleasant.
To everyone who's suggesting forwardness, how do you respond to twirlypen's statement of "There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly."
Then you most likely don't want that person as a friend. Sorry, just being honest here. If they only like you in that way then that's it. It will be very hard for them to move down into friend territory comfortably. In an age where facebook, myspace and twitter prolong relationships unnecessarily long there is something to be said for severing cantankerous frenemies and ex's.
Ladies, do not hesitate to be open honest and direct. Most guys like this. I have never gone wrong with this approach.
posted by OrangeSoda at 10:15 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
needs more cowbell: I think even if you are trying to be subtle, there has to be a point where the other person realizes you are interested and consciously accepts or rejects the advances. In my experience, these acceptances or rejections have been no more or less awkward than straightforward ones.
If there is extra awkwardness, I would guess it comes from one party not being ok with friend status, or it having been simply an inelegant or dishonest rejection.
On preview, what OrangeSoda said.
posted by ropeladder at 10:18 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
If there is extra awkwardness, I would guess it comes from one party not being ok with friend status, or it having been simply an inelegant or dishonest rejection.
On preview, what OrangeSoda said.
posted by ropeladder at 10:18 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
The ability to be forward can be a very attractive quality in anyone. It shows confidence.
Just tell people that you like them. Most of the time, it will make them feel good about themselves, and be more attracted to you.
posted by chicago2penn at 10:52 PM on December 27, 2009
Just tell people that you like them. Most of the time, it will make them feel good about themselves, and be more attracted to you.
posted by chicago2penn at 10:52 PM on December 27, 2009
There's nothing at all wrong with being honest and direct, and I'll second or third or nth any and all suggestions to follow this course. This is not the issue.
The issue is that there is sometimes something called 'tact', and what some of us are bringing up is the very real and un-ignorable situation where you are put in a rather awkward situation of having to tell someone something they don't necessarily want to hear, regardless of whatever sincere and honest motive spurred them to ask their question in the first place.
All of you championing the "I'll-tell-a-girl-I-don't-like-her-in-that-way-to-her-face-if-she-asks" move, have none of you been asked the "does-my-ass-look-big-in-these-jeans" question? I'm guessing not. And if you have, and you're still advocating the "truthful and direct" policy, you clearly haven't learnt your lesson. Basically, you folks are being rather insensitive, and tone-deaf to certain universal social codes.
You can let a girl know in other ways than directly stating to her face, "No, I never liked you in that way, but thanks for asking. Can we be friends now?"
posted by war wrath of wraith at 11:01 PM on December 27, 2009
The issue is that there is sometimes something called 'tact', and what some of us are bringing up is the very real and un-ignorable situation where you are put in a rather awkward situation of having to tell someone something they don't necessarily want to hear, regardless of whatever sincere and honest motive spurred them to ask their question in the first place.
All of you championing the "I'll-tell-a-girl-I-don't-like-her-in-that-way-to-her-face-if-she-asks" move, have none of you been asked the "does-my-ass-look-big-in-these-jeans" question? I'm guessing not. And if you have, and you're still advocating the "truthful and direct" policy, you clearly haven't learnt your lesson. Basically, you folks are being rather insensitive, and tone-deaf to certain universal social codes.
You can let a girl know in other ways than directly stating to her face, "No, I never liked you in that way, but thanks for asking. Can we be friends now?"
posted by war wrath of wraith at 11:01 PM on December 27, 2009
The other side of being direct (as per twirlypen) is that you will 'occasionally' pay the price and :::gasp::: be rejected. Men have been getting rejected for ages. You deserve a level playing field. Welcome to our world. It's all part fo the great dance. Don't be a shrinking violet. Fortune favors the brave. You'll save a lot of time being direct. It's actually kind of hot. But yeah, sometimes the advance is unwelcome. You'll know fairly quickly. Be pragmatic. Move on.
posted by Muirwylde at 11:28 PM on December 27, 2009
posted by Muirwylde at 11:28 PM on December 27, 2009
"There are times when people have been very up front about being interested. When I haven't been interested back, it's quite awkward and ends the friendship fairly quickly."
Personally, that's what gives me pause about being so direct.
Welcome to the world of the guy. We're as scared of that happening as you are, in general. Understanding that will help women to learn how to help things along. In other words, the risk of rejection is real and there. You have to run that risk. We do everytime we ask you out. By realizing that and seeing that guys still go ahead despite that risk and suceed, you can understand that it is a doable thing.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:52 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
Personally, that's what gives me pause about being so direct.
Welcome to the world of the guy. We're as scared of that happening as you are, in general. Understanding that will help women to learn how to help things along. In other words, the risk of rejection is real and there. You have to run that risk. We do everytime we ask you out. By realizing that and seeing that guys still go ahead despite that risk and suceed, you can understand that it is a doable thing.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:52 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
All of you championing the "I'll-tell-a-girl-I-don't-like-her-in-that-way-to-her-face-if-she-asks" move, have none of you been asked the "does-my-ass-look-big-in-these-jeans" question? I'm guessing not. And if you have, and you're still advocating the "truthful and direct" policy, you clearly haven't learnt your lesson. Basically, you folks are being rather insensitive, and tone-deaf to certain universal social codes.
I'd like to add that women can be just as insensitive as men on this score. That is also a risk that guys run. But we do ask women out and they do say yes. There is a chance that some people, male or female aren't going to respond well. Despite that risk, guys ask girls out all of the time and we take the hits when women are less than civil to civil approaches. You will be running that risk, OP, certainly. But even if someone is tactless, trust that you will be able to get over the few moments of bad feelings and move on. I've done it, every guy has done it. And if us less-aware dudes can do it, women can certainly do it better than we can if they so choose.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:57 PM on December 27, 2009
I'd like to add that women can be just as insensitive as men on this score. That is also a risk that guys run. But we do ask women out and they do say yes. There is a chance that some people, male or female aren't going to respond well. Despite that risk, guys ask girls out all of the time and we take the hits when women are less than civil to civil approaches. You will be running that risk, OP, certainly. But even if someone is tactless, trust that you will be able to get over the few moments of bad feelings and move on. I've done it, every guy has done it. And if us less-aware dudes can do it, women can certainly do it better than we can if they so choose.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:57 PM on December 27, 2009
Ironmouth et al, it's not fear of rejection that gives me pause so much as the simple awkwardness it creates between people who were previously friends/friendly (the OP mentions knowing these people for a while before realizing her attraction) and especially the awkwardness for the rejector. I didn't quote it in my first comment, but twirlypen's statement ends with "it can put him in a fairly uncomfortable position."
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:25 AM on December 28, 2009
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:25 AM on December 28, 2009
Ironmouth et al, it's not fear of rejection that gives me pause so much as the simple awkwardness it creates between people who were previously friends/friendly (the OP mentions knowing these people for a while before realizing her attraction) and especially the awkwardness for the rejector. I didn't quote it in my first comment, but twirlypen's statement ends with "it can put him in a fairly uncomfortable position."
OK, got that. My advice is still the same. That awkwardness is the risk men run all the time. You just let it happen, feel awkward some of the time and that's it. You are absolutely right that it is a risk. So some of the time that's going to happen, but it isn't the end of the world if it does. Go for it!
posted by Ironmouth at 12:40 AM on December 28, 2009
OK, got that. My advice is still the same. That awkwardness is the risk men run all the time. You just let it happen, feel awkward some of the time and that's it. You are absolutely right that it is a risk. So some of the time that's going to happen, but it isn't the end of the world if it does. Go for it!
posted by Ironmouth at 12:40 AM on December 28, 2009
It helps if you decide to embrace awkwardness. Sure, it's downright painful in the moment, but later, it's the awkward that makes your best and worst-turned-laughable exchanges as memorable (and sometimes romantic) and wonderfully unscripted as they are.
Also, I've found that just knowing this can make the awkward moments a bit less painful. Sometimes, when I'm engaging in something spectacularly cringe-inducing, a the little voice pops in my head and says, "Just ride it out; one day this particular moment will be *awesome* to recall." Especially if the results of the exchange go in your favor. If not, the enjoyment of having experienced that weird hell may come a bit later, and hopefully will be tinged with more funny than regret. But still awesome nonetheless.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:56 AM on December 28, 2009 [6 favorites]
Also, I've found that just knowing this can make the awkward moments a bit less painful. Sometimes, when I'm engaging in something spectacularly cringe-inducing, a the little voice pops in my head and says, "Just ride it out; one day this particular moment will be *awesome* to recall." Especially if the results of the exchange go in your favor. If not, the enjoyment of having experienced that weird hell may come a bit later, and hopefully will be tinged with more funny than regret. But still awesome nonetheless.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:56 AM on December 28, 2009 [6 favorites]
Sometimes, when I'm engaging in something spectacularly cringe-inducing, a the little voice pops in my head and says, "Just ride it out; one day this particular moment will be *awesome* to recall."
Oh, yes! This is the secret to enjoying life. I know a guy who, during a game of slaps gone too far, got slapped in the face so hard he spat blood. And then he just started laughing, because, hell, he was kind of asking for it and wouldn't it be a fun story later on? Here's the thing: everyone loves that guy.
The day I learned that the proper response to slipping on ice and falling on my ass is to laugh hysterically, was the day I realized that real day-to-day happiness was within my grasp.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:23 AM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
Oh, yes! This is the secret to enjoying life. I know a guy who, during a game of slaps gone too far, got slapped in the face so hard he spat blood. And then he just started laughing, because, hell, he was kind of asking for it and wouldn't it be a fun story later on? Here's the thing: everyone loves that guy.
The day I learned that the proper response to slipping on ice and falling on my ass is to laugh hysterically, was the day I realized that real day-to-day happiness was within my grasp.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:23 AM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think that there is a real difference between going up to someone in a bar, or someone your friend just introduced you to at a party, and telling that you want to kiss them. If they reject you, so what? You've lost nothing, you've displayed some sexy self-confidence, and you have a chance at something good that you wouldn't if you weren't brave enough to say hi.
But I think that if you are approaching someone who has been a friend for a long time, and with whom perhaps you share a group of mutual friends, then you want to make sure you have your social ducks in a row. I still think being direct and honest is a good plan -- a phrase like "would you like to go on a date?" leaves very little ambiguous -- but you should make sure that that directness is built on a foundation of flirting and closeness, not just your fevered imagination.
posted by Forktine at 6:24 AM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
But I think that if you are approaching someone who has been a friend for a long time, and with whom perhaps you share a group of mutual friends, then you want to make sure you have your social ducks in a row. I still think being direct and honest is a good plan -- a phrase like "would you like to go on a date?" leaves very little ambiguous -- but you should make sure that that directness is built on a foundation of flirting and closeness, not just your fevered imagination.
posted by Forktine at 6:24 AM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
We pro-directness votes are definitely NOT saying "don't flirt", please do flirt before & during asking, but women often imagine that flirting replaces asking directly, and they are dead wrong.
I've always found that directness the best way to dispel this awkwardness of which you're afraid. If not, one or both people are behaving immaturely. Similarly, if you quit the friendship after rejection, then clearly the friendship had little basis other than attraction or fantasy.
posted by jeffburdges at 8:14 AM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
I've always found that directness the best way to dispel this awkwardness of which you're afraid. If not, one or both people are behaving immaturely. Similarly, if you quit the friendship after rejection, then clearly the friendship had little basis other than attraction or fantasy.
posted by jeffburdges at 8:14 AM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anecdote: (It does have a point, so bear with me.)
Met a guy about 6 months ago, he was funny/cute/awesome/nerdy/smart/etc. For some reason, we immediately put each other in some weird friend zone, due to our shared shyness/nerdiness. But I have to say he was pretty masterful in pulling us out of friend zone and into dating zone, and would recommend employing his measures.
Here's how he handled it:
About 3 months ago, we're out at a bar, goofing off as usual. We're sitting fairly close and he leans over and says, "I'm really bad at this." Of course, clueless me replies, "Bad at wha--."
*kiss*
And it was a fantastic kiss. But it also left me really confused. (But... this is my friend!) And then he did the best thing ever: he let me stew and think for about four days. By the time he texted me after that period of time, he had totally won me over. Clever boy.
---
So, use your shyness to your advantage. Be cute, be dorky. But I recommend not being direct ("I like you") at least verbally. If guy had just said that to me, I would have had time to reply, "But we're just friends!" Instead, he showed me that we could be more, left me speechless, and then gave me time to think it over.
Good luck!
posted by functionequalsform at 9:26 AM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
Met a guy about 6 months ago, he was funny/cute/awesome/nerdy/smart/etc. For some reason, we immediately put each other in some weird friend zone, due to our shared shyness/nerdiness. But I have to say he was pretty masterful in pulling us out of friend zone and into dating zone, and would recommend employing his measures.
Here's how he handled it:
About 3 months ago, we're out at a bar, goofing off as usual. We're sitting fairly close and he leans over and says, "I'm really bad at this." Of course, clueless me replies, "Bad at wha--."
*kiss*
And it was a fantastic kiss. But it also left me really confused. (But... this is my friend!) And then he did the best thing ever: he let me stew and think for about four days. By the time he texted me after that period of time, he had totally won me over. Clever boy.
---
So, use your shyness to your advantage. Be cute, be dorky. But I recommend not being direct ("I like you") at least verbally. If guy had just said that to me, I would have had time to reply, "But we're just friends!" Instead, he showed me that we could be more, left me speechless, and then gave me time to think it over.
Good luck!
posted by functionequalsform at 9:26 AM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
I dunno. A guy I had barely met told me he was wildly in love with me and wanted to marry me. A little awkward at the time. But yeah, I married him, 5 years and two degrees later.
That first over-the-top declaration was 17 years ago. We still chuckle about it once in a while.
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 12:32 PM on December 28, 2009
That first over-the-top declaration was 17 years ago. We still chuckle about it once in a while.
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 12:32 PM on December 28, 2009
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That should cover your bases pretty well. Try not to worry if you've made it sufficiently clear that it's a date. The second date or the kiss at the end of the first one will do all the talking for you.
posted by squorch at 6:36 PM on December 27, 2009 [1 favorite]