Older, unmarried sibling hostility.

December 26, 2009 12:41 PM

I wonder if I have stumbled upon a possible syndrome - hatred of siblings spouses by unmarried sibs.

Two examples just in my immediate family: My older unmarried brother and I used to be great friends but since I got married many years ago he has developed an intense hatred for my kind, sweet natured husband and won't even mention his name, referring to him as "him" and sending mail only addressed to me, etc.

On husband's side of the family, his older unmarried sister has never once said a nice thing to me in 25 years. When she does speak to me, generally, she treats me with disdain and makes hurtful digs so bad I'm depressed for days afterwards. As she is quite elderly and not in good health my husband doesn't want to say anything to her regarding this bad behavior so I just avoid seeing her. We never see my brother as he wants nothing to do with the two of us. At one time he said he had named me as his heir but I was to never allow one penny spent on or by my husband who has only been nice to him despite his shocking rudeness towards him.

I wonder if this inlaw hostility is all that unusual in that the two of them may have been hoping they would have a fellow sibling to go off into old age together (we were in our late 30's when we got married) and both he and I robbed them of this late in life partner, leaving them isolated, old and alone. Thanks for any input.

posted by Tullyogallaghan to Human Relations (22 answers total)

What's the question? Are you just asking if other people have experienced this, or are you asking if there's some sort of diagnosis?
posted by restless_nomad at 12:44 PM on December 26, 2009

Not here. I'm an unmarried 38 year old male. My younger sister is on her second marriage. I had no real problem with the first guy while they were married. I didn't particularly LIKE him all that much, but we were civil enough. He wasn't physically hurting her, and she seemed happy enough, so I was fine with him.

Once they eventually divorced, and she told me the reasons why... well, yeah, now I know there was a reason I didn't like him terribly much (he turned out to be an arsehole, to put it bluntly). But I didn't find this out until after he'd gone from our lives.

Her current partner (actually, they are not yet married - but engaged), is a great guy, so much better for her and her kids than the last guy, and I get along really well with him.
posted by Diag at 1:05 PM on December 26, 2009

My older, unmarried brother has never liked any SO I've ever had. I'm sure he will continue to hate anyone I partner with in the future.

I think you're trying to identify some underlying pathology as the common denominator between your brother, mine, and your sister in law. I don't think it's that simple. There may indeed be pathologies at play. My brother certainly has his own crosses to bear and I'm sure those play a role. I can't assume that my brother's set of issues mirror those of your brother though.

The disruption of familial relationships can be an indicator that something "syndromy" is going on but it's certainly not a defining factor.
posted by dchrssyr at 1:08 PM on December 26, 2009

There's no question here, and so this is chatfilter. But, for the record, my younger sister's husband was a friend of mine for years before they met, and we're still good friends. I really enjoy getting together with them, and I'm delighted that they're married.

Possible diagnoses of your situation:
-Your brother and your husband's sister have always been jerks, and you're just noticing it more now.
-Your brother and your husband's sister have changed with age and become jerks.
-You and/or your husband have turned into jerks, and your siblings are treating you accordingly.
-Coincidence.
-Some people just don't get along.
posted by decathecting at 1:12 PM on December 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

In my experience, I have found this to be pretty common. So, I wouldn't take it so personally. Just don't let it disrupt your relationship with your husband. You married him, not his sister. It most likely has to do with deep-seeded jealousy as you mentioned.

This also extends to mother-in-laws and other members of the family. Boy have I got some stories.
posted by OrangeSoda at 1:17 PM on December 26, 2009

Anecdotefilter: This has not been the case in my family among my parents and their unmarried/married siblings. In fact, my dad's brother is closer to my mom than he is to my dad.
Do your brother and sister-in-law have conflict with others a lot? Maybe they're just grumpy and mean people. Maybe part of why you and your husband connected is that you both grew up dealing with a difficult sibling.
posted by ishotjr at 1:30 PM on December 26, 2009

I think it has more to do with the personality of the siblings and family dynamics than anything else. In my experience as a member of a dysfunctional family, (a hodgepodge of mental illness), the adult children who are married seem to be viewed as traitors and their spouses as "outsiders" and "different." They have rigid ideas of what is normal and what they expect from other people and tend to over-analyze every facial expression and gesture for signs of judgment against themselves.
posted by pluckysparrow at 1:54 PM on December 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

data point: not in my family.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:03 PM on December 26, 2009

Also not in my family. I think kathrineg is onto it.
posted by cmgonzalez at 2:30 PM on December 26, 2009

My relationship with my older, unmarried sister took a major nosedive as soon as I got married. I think she's always been difficult to be around and is very demanding of the people in her life but now that I'm married and have my own family, I'm much less willing to cater to her needs and demands so she has become increasingly dissatisfied with me. So she hasn't really changed but my interactions with her and the dynamic between us definitely have.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:33 PM on December 26, 2009

I think siblings-in-law have particular challenges to getting along. On the one hand, they're family, but on the other, they didn't actually grow up together and may have very different expectations of "family." In addition to not actually being siblings, they didn't get to cherry-pick each other for a sibling-like relationship either.

So perhaps this isn't so much a matter of them being unmarried, but just bad luck sibling-in-laws. Alternatively, since they're unmarried, you're their first sibling-in-law and they just don't know how to negotiate that relationship yet.
posted by dino might at 2:39 PM on December 26, 2009

My SOs siblings all get along with each other and with each other's spouses, I like all of my SOs siblings and their spouses (those who have them) and they all like me. In fact, my SO is very close to his cousins and their spouses and I like all of his cousins and their spouses (those who have them) and vice-versa. It's a big love-fest.

My parents don't even like their own siblings, let alone their spouses.

I think that the syndrome onto which you have stumbled is that you and your husband both have family members and family members-in-law that you don't much like, and vice-versa.

I wonder if this inlaw hostility is all that unusual in that the two of them may have been hoping they would have a fellow sibling to go off into old age together (we were in our late 30's when we got married) and both he and I robbed them of this late in life partner, leaving them isolated, old and alone.

This in an overly-complicated and weird hypothesis.
posted by desuetude at 2:40 PM on December 26, 2009

Another data point: older, unmarried here. I don't hate my BIL and we get along quite well. I didn't handle their engagement too well (even though I knew it was coming) but that's because it brought up the insecurities and fears I had about myself (maybe your in-laws have got some of that going on?). But, I've never hated him or took it out on him. Although, if he were to ever hurt my sister I would be the first in line to kick his ass.
posted by Nolechick11 at 2:51 PM on December 26, 2009

I like my sister-in-law much better than my brother, but abhor her bad judgment in marrying him.
posted by saveyoursanity at 3:08 PM on December 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

My sister-in-law rocks! I love hanging out with her. My little sister's bf is a good friend as well. I don't think it's got anything to do with you or your spouse and I don't think this is "normal behavior" so I wish you the best in dealing with difficult family members. Some folks don't seem to get along well with others and watching your younger sibling experience a joyful relationship can, at times, lead to some measure of resentment, I suppose.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 3:16 PM on December 26, 2009

When I've seen this occur, it's usually an older sibling who hates a younger married one. My guess is that it's closely related to envy. The older sib is "supposed" to achieve life milestones first, and when a younger one goes through a milestone before the older one, the latter feels exposed as incompetent, or as a loser somehow. Are the sibs in your life unsatisfied with their life in general?
posted by jasper411 at 4:00 PM on December 26, 2009

Confirmation bias is at work here. I'm not married. I don't hate my brothers-in-law.
posted by donajo at 4:21 PM on December 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe you should try to hook up your brother with your husband's sister. They share something in common!
posted by autoclavicle at 4:33 PM on December 26, 2009

How would this be a "syndrome"? Of course it's not a "syndrome".

Either it's what we like to call a "coincidence", or perhaps part of what drew you and your husband together were personalities shaped by growing up with difficult siblings.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:45 PM on December 26, 2009

I love my younger sister's husband, I'm unmarried. I find your question weird and vaguely insulting towards unmarried folks. I think an equally likely explanation to "syndrome" is that the attitude that underlies your question is something you project as a couple and that may have something to do with why you and your spouse are not well received by inlaws.
posted by donnagirl at 6:41 PM on December 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

My family is the total opposite. His family gives me a lot of the credit for him graduating from college and my family credits him with me finally starting to act like a grown up in my 20's. (Neither are especially true.) But our families are a lot alike - similar education levels, parental income, ancestry and similar (mostly mild) levels of dysfunction. In fact, strangers tend to think my husband and sister are related, not me and my sis, and when we were at a family reunion a few years ago, distant members of the family kept getting me and my sister-in-law mixed up.

So, maybe your syndrome happens when the two families don't blend well?
posted by zinfandel at 6:49 PM on December 26, 2009

I think your observations are mere coincidence and as an unmarried person who adores my two brothers-in-law, I also thought your question was sort of insulting. Married or unmarried, anyone can be a jerk.
posted by emd3737 at 7:11 PM on December 26, 2009 [1 favorite]