Battle of the sexes: Why don't most men do housework?
December 22, 2009 12:00 PM Subscribe
Battle of the sexes. Why don't most men do housework?
I'm not saying all men don't do it. There are a couple of neat freaks out there (bows down) but not one man I dated or know via friend's husbands/boyfriends do houswork. They just assume the woman will do it. I'm honestly curious as to why it happens and why it doesn't bother them to have others clean up after them?
I ask since it is a relationship breaker (after 4 long term relationships and not one of them were neat--that's it) and I have a son and I don't want him to be this way when he grows up. But I am honestly curious as to why this is, how it happens, and how it can change without a nagging partner bugging them where it comes "the more you nag, the more I won't do it" b.s. excuse?
I would like to hear both sides' core reason as to why they're neat or why they just dont' think housework is important/needs to be done by them?
I'm not saying all men don't do it. There are a couple of neat freaks out there (bows down) but not one man I dated or know via friend's husbands/boyfriends do houswork. They just assume the woman will do it. I'm honestly curious as to why it happens and why it doesn't bother them to have others clean up after them?
I ask since it is a relationship breaker (after 4 long term relationships and not one of them were neat--that's it) and I have a son and I don't want him to be this way when he grows up. But I am honestly curious as to why this is, how it happens, and how it can change without a nagging partner bugging them where it comes "the more you nag, the more I won't do it" b.s. excuse?
I would like to hear both sides' core reason as to why they're neat or why they just dont' think housework is important/needs to be done by them?
This post was deleted for the following reason: "battle of the sexes" is, as a framing device, probably a pretty bad sign for the answerability of a question. If there's some way to ask what you're trying to ask without building it around a blanket assumption that the folks you and your friends have dated/married are fair representatives of the world at large, maybe try this again next week with your assumptions partitioned off a bit from your core question? -- cortex
In our house, it's that my threshold is higher than his. Meaning, I think things need to be cleaned sooner than he does. Luckily he won't grumble or accuse me of nagging if I ask him to do something when I think it needs to be done.
(I'm still totally aware of the sexist aspect of this scenario.)
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 12:08 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
(I'm still totally aware of the sexist aspect of this scenario.)
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 12:08 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
but not one man I dated or know via friend's husbands/boyfriends do houswork.
Exactly how many men have you dated? i.e. what is your sample size?
Why don't most men do housework?
I'm a man and I do all my housework.
posted by special-k at 12:09 PM on December 22, 2009
Exactly how many men have you dated? i.e. what is your sample size?
Why don't most men do housework?
I'm a man and I do all my housework.
posted by special-k at 12:09 PM on December 22, 2009
You have framed this very poorly and as a result it will not end well.
I will simply say that I do my fair share of housework.
posted by kbanas at 12:09 PM on December 22, 2009
I will simply say that I do my fair share of housework.
posted by kbanas at 12:09 PM on December 22, 2009
People who care about having a clean house will clean the house People who do not care about having a clean house will likely not clean the house.
posted by coryinabox at 12:10 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by coryinabox at 12:10 PM on December 22, 2009
NYT article you'll probably be interested in. (I think it's biased in several ways, but I'll let you draw your own conclusions and I don't want to turn this into a derail or mini blog post.)
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:10 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:10 PM on December 22, 2009
I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this question. I do plenty of goddamned housework.
posted by vito90 at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by vito90 at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is stupid. Asking why "no men do housework" is as stupid as asking why "white people don't like dancing" or why "women can't read maps".
Rethink your stereotypes, and date better men.
posted by modernnomad at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Rethink your stereotypes, and date better men.
posted by modernnomad at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm a man, I do housework when I see it needs to be done or when my girlfriend asks me to. Maybe she'd like me to do more but I wouldn't know unless she told me. Not doing reasonable things to help your partner when they ask is a relationship problem, not a gender problem.
posted by ghharr at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by ghharr at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009
Man-parts, here. I do housework. I also cook (gasp!)...
In my circle, neither are uncommon. I would pose to you that this is 100%, certifiable, unadulterated, confirmation bias.
posted by kaseijin at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
In my circle, neither are uncommon. I would pose to you that this is 100%, certifiable, unadulterated, confirmation bias.
posted by kaseijin at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why don't women program VCRs? Or hook up the computer? Or fix the window? Take the car for repairs? Go kick the neighbor's ass when he deserves it? Go play baseball with Billy?
You know why? Because men and women are different. We have different skills, interests, personalities, levels of patience/detail/whatever.
DIFFERENT.
Yes, I know there are women who do all the above, and there are indeed men who do housework. But your question was a generality, and we are generally different.
posted by eas98 at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
You know why? Because men and women are different. We have different skills, interests, personalities, levels of patience/detail/whatever.
DIFFERENT.
Yes, I know there are women who do all the above, and there are indeed men who do housework. But your question was a generality, and we are generally different.
posted by eas98 at 12:11 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
At least in my case, it's not that I purposely relegate cleaning duties to my (female) partner, but that I don't think about anyone doing those tasks at all. That is to say, men tend to be socialized not to think or care about housework, whereas women tend to be socialized to be bothered by the neglect thereof, so whereas a man might ignore the issue, a woman will feel like it's being left to her and grudgingly take care of it. If neither my partner nor I completed a household task and it then made itself obvious, I'd like to think there's a 50/50 chance that I'd end up taking care of it. I'm not at all saying that this doesn't arrive out of socialized privilege, but that it might not be intentional malice.
posted by threeants at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by threeants at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
Have you dated any women? Because I've dated many that don't do housework. Fortunately, unlike myself and many men I know, those women are smart enough to hire a housekeeper.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
My husband does 80% of the routine housework in our house and 95% of the grocery shopping. He knows how to iron (really really well) which is such an amazing skill to me that I think he might as well know how to walk on water. I clean the bathroom and when major cleaning is needed, I do things like wash all the drapes and take stuff out of drawers and shelves to give them an annual clean. But in no way does the level of work I put in make up for the fact that he keeps our day to day domestic life from falling apart.
So if gender parity is important to you in a relationship, I suggest you date people for whom it is also important. It is entirely possible to find male partners who do not think all things domestic should default to the woman.
However, I think we can assume that most women do not make this a priority, because most women do in fact partner with men who only pick up 20 30% of the domestic load, regardless of each spouse's employment status.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
So if gender parity is important to you in a relationship, I suggest you date people for whom it is also important. It is entirely possible to find male partners who do not think all things domestic should default to the woman.
However, I think we can assume that most women do not make this a priority, because most women do in fact partner with men who only pick up 20 30% of the domestic load, regardless of each spouse's employment status.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
but not one man I dated or know via friend's husbands/boyfriends do houswork.
Perhaps you're dating the wrong people and have the wrong friends, but as you meet new people, you'll find that both genders can be equally lazy about all sorts of things, including housework.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
Perhaps you're dating the wrong people and have the wrong friends, but as you meet new people, you'll find that both genders can be equally lazy about all sorts of things, including housework.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
confirmation bias?
cultural programming left over from before the women's movement and equality of the sexes?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
cultural programming left over from before the women's movement and equality of the sexes?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
Sorry to be blunt, but maybe you and your friends just pick lousy boyfriends.
posted by dortmunder at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by dortmunder at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
I'm a man. I do housework. I do laundry, clean the kitchen, get it messy in the first place with my cooking, vacuum, etc.
It's not about why men don't do housework. It's about why the men that you know and have had relationships with didn't do housework.
posted by theichibun at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
It's not about why men don't do housework. It's about why the men that you know and have had relationships with didn't do housework.
posted by theichibun at 12:13 PM on December 22, 2009
You're looking for a rationale for an untrue and biased assumption about 1/2 the world's population. The answers you seek will be found in a whole 'nother framing of the 'problem'. I would start at the center of that and work your way out. Good luck!
posted by iamkimiam at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by iamkimiam at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
This isn't necessarily gender-specific, as I assume (or hope?) you know. Probably the people not doing housework don't particularly care of things are neat and clean, and it may be that men more often fall into this category. The filthiest person I have ever lived with was my female college roommate, however; she never cleaned one thing the entire time I lived with her - but I did, because I liked to have things neat and clean.
In my experience it's impossible to make someone care about things being clean when they inherently don't notice or care about it. Rather than ending relationships because somebody doesn't vacuum when the floor is dirty, why not communicate with your partner and set up a housework schedule through which each of you are responsible for certain tasks? This has worked in my household despite my and my husband's very different idea of what is an acceptable level of dirtiness. We each have things we are responsible for and we have an agreed upon timetable for when they need to be done.
posted by something something at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
In my experience it's impossible to make someone care about things being clean when they inherently don't notice or care about it. Rather than ending relationships because somebody doesn't vacuum when the floor is dirty, why not communicate with your partner and set up a housework schedule through which each of you are responsible for certain tasks? This has worked in my household despite my and my husband's very different idea of what is an acceptable level of dirtiness. We each have things we are responsible for and we have an agreed upon timetable for when they need to be done.
posted by something something at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
Also, I should add that this is less men/women, in my mind, than people who think about housework / people who don't. But the socialization involved can still cause a sexual correlation.
posted by threeants at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by threeants at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
Gotta say, I don't understand this either. My husband is a neat freak and does almost all of the housework, although I do a share of it. He just enjoys it. I do all the cooking, shopping, garden upkeep, and other chores. On the other hand, my father, brother and brother-in-law share in the traits of which you speak.
From what I can gather, there is rarely one reason but here are the ones I have identified:
1) there is some degree of "that's the way it was when I grew up" mothers doing the housework and fathers not doing the housework.
2) if you want it done a certain way, do it yourself-ism
3) It is a great way to rebel against the real or imagined "demands" of the wife/gf. I think there's a bit of immaturity here/Peter Pan Syndrome.
4. Some men I know (and this is limited to my experience, not saying this is everyone) lived in a disgusting pig sty in college. This ranged from just a build up of dirty dishes and underwear to old food on the floor and fossilized pee on the toilet seat. Some men become inured to this level of filth.
Combine a little bit of some of these and I think you come up with a good "reason" but I think your son doesn't have to be one of these men.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
From what I can gather, there is rarely one reason but here are the ones I have identified:
1) there is some degree of "that's the way it was when I grew up" mothers doing the housework and fathers not doing the housework.
2) if you want it done a certain way, do it yourself-ism
3) It is a great way to rebel against the real or imagined "demands" of the wife/gf. I think there's a bit of immaturity here/Peter Pan Syndrome.
4. Some men I know (and this is limited to my experience, not saying this is everyone) lived in a disgusting pig sty in college. This ranged from just a build up of dirty dishes and underwear to old food on the floor and fossilized pee on the toilet seat. Some men become inured to this level of filth.
Combine a little bit of some of these and I think you come up with a good "reason" but I think your son doesn't have to be one of these men.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 12:08 PM on December 22, 2009