Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

December 15, 2009 8:50 AM

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart?

My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

posted by blackcatcuriouser to human relations (16 answers total)

Seperate conversation - because you're going to potentially shatter his confidence if you say it in the moment.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:57 AM on December 15, 2009

I'd gently ease him into things during sex. The longer you wait before suggesting some new techniques the better - as he's bound to equate suggestion with comparison if you do it early on.
posted by backwards guitar at 8:57 AM on December 15, 2009

Why not buy a book on sex tips and leave it lying around? If he asks why you got it, you can say that a friend gave it to you. That way, when you start mixing up the moves in the bedroom, your partner can assume that these techniques can from a book, not from your former lover.

That might be a little easier on his confidence.
posted by mmmbacon at 9:03 AM on December 15, 2009 [5 favorites]

When I went through this, our sex ended up being way better than it was before we broke up the first time-- probably partly because we'd grown up (both sexually and not) in our time apart, but mostly because we worked really hard on improving our communication. I know it sounds boring and no fun, but learning to talk to each other was the best thing we did for all aspects of our relationship.
posted by oinopaponton at 9:04 AM on December 15, 2009

Just try a couple things now and then. If they're really that good, he may not care so much how you learned about them.

If he DOES ask "where'd you learn about THAT?" I wouldn't divulge all the gory details, but I wouldn't hide it either -- I mean, he knows you had sex with other people in the past year, and you know he knows. Trying to pretend you didn't just seems disingenuous. But you also don't have to go the other extreme and be all "oh, and then Sid introduced me to THIS and my GOD the reaction was astronomical and..."

Just suggest a couple things, once or twice. Or just try them in the heat of the moment. If he wants to know where you learned them, a hand-wavy, "oh, I just...tried some new stuff and discovered I liked it" can handle the explanation. Because, hey, you DID try some new stuff. He knows you tried that new stuff with another person -- the important point is that now you're trying it with HIM, because you want to show HIM what happens when you do it. And if you respond in an out-of-this-world way ("...Holy crap, did I just make you come EIGHT TIMES just by doing that?") he may be more grateful knowing now than he'd be self-conscious that he hadn't before.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:11 AM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]

You say you're in negotiations to get back together, that you love him and want to make it work, and that you both had some action while you were apart.

Well, if it is going to work long term, you need to be happy with your sex life. So you pretty much HAVE to address it.

It's part of the negotiations, I'd say. I feel strongly it is NOT something to bring up initially when you're in bed -- if that was me, then all of a sudden my mind would race to the other lovers. But during a nice negotiating session (somewhere private, not in public) you can broach that you experienced some things that you really want to do again.

Yes, he will have to deal with the other lover thing, but since he had his own experience you'll be even, which helps. The delay before you actually get into bed will hopefully help him process it. And it's quite possible he'll be curious and interested in trying the stuff -- since after all males can be worried that they are not good sexual performers.

Plus, the #1 male fantasy (I read this somewhere) is a woman who really, authentically, un-manipulatively, wants it. If you're asking for specific moves, then you qualify.

Good luck!
posted by martin2000 at 9:11 AM on December 15, 2009

Start slow. In the midst of sex, just mention how good it feels and ask him if it feels good. Work it into your routine. Once or twice. Then go for the discussion outside the bedroom. The idea is to make it less about--I learned a lot about fun sex with the other guy and more about learning how to do things better between you guys.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:15 AM on December 15, 2009

The sex book idea from mmmbacon is by far the best. I would not mention another partner -- even if it's not in the bedroom, even if he asks you directly and you have to lie. Who knows, he might be the rare super-mature guy who won't be insecure or jealous about it, but why take that chance if you don't have to?
posted by pete_22 at 9:29 AM on December 15, 2009

Just say that you heard about it from girl friends, or that you read it on the internet!
posted by amarynth at 9:56 AM on December 15, 2009

Yeah, I wouldn't open the can of worms that would naturally follow "and my summer fling showed me this!". It's not necessary and has the possibility of making your new-old boyfriend feel self conscious or inadequate. Stick to what other people have been saying and say you've been reading about X and wanted to try it.
posted by amicamentis at 10:10 AM on December 15, 2009

Might be over-thinking this a smidge? If I may be allowed a stereotype here...he's a guy, just rock his sex world for him. My guess: He'll be ok with it.

Seriously though, if you feel like he might question "the move's" provenance, it seems entirely reasonable to suggest that during your time apart, one of the things that you decided you wanted to commit yourself to was a more wide-ranging sexual palate. How you stumbled upon "the move" doesn't need to take center stage...porn, Q & A forum, your own fantasies, whatever.

When a guy is insecure, one of the things he is most insecure about is whether he is doing it right for you, whether you are satisfied with the experience, and by extension, with him. Introduce him to some things you have "been thinking about" and when he sees how much you enjoy these things, how much you enjoy him doing these things with you, he is going to feel like a porn star. As much as I hate to admit it, we can be like that sometimes. Every guy driving a Ferrari has that look on his face like he fuckin' designed and BUILT the thing.
posted by nickjadlowe at 10:25 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Lie. "So there's this thing I read about in Oprah magazine..." Seriously, he'll never check Oprah.
posted by chairface at 11:47 AM on December 15, 2009 [4 favorites]

I like the suggestion to have the new sex book out. However, I would say not to outright lie where you discovered this, just maybe lay out clues that might let him jump to the (wrong) conclusion.

Second, be prepared for this move to not be the same with the Ex as it was with Summerfling. There are so many variables with the different guys that the exact same scenario may have a completely different result.

That being said - I am dying of curiosity - what was this move? Can you explain it? Is it diagrammed somewhere on the internet? Because if it is something that can be replicated, well, I want to try it.
posted by I am the Walrus at 12:33 PM on December 15, 2009

I bet they tried The Lioness on the Cheese Grater.
posted by opossumnus at 4:02 PM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

This might be something to work on, once you get your current problems sorted out and your relationship reestablished. In the long run, good communication about sex is going to count for way more than one or two flashy moves you picked up over the summer.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:52 PM on December 15, 2009

Just say you read a sex article in Cosmo.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:41 PM on December 17, 2009