Single mother by choice needs help deflecting silly comments

December 14, 2009 8:07 AM

What are some other terms for illegitimate, fatherless children of single mothers? Help me respond to critical, concerned and old fashioned comments with a bit of humour.

So I went to a laboratory and got knocked up by a test tube, there's no father and I'm not in a relationship. It's my first child, the pregnancy is starting to show, and I am trying to answer the many questions I get with a bit of humour. Obviously I am stoked about what I'm doing, and it was totally on purpose, but people still have that knee-jerk "Oh honey I'm sorry" response some times, as if the child and myself have been abandoned and are to be pitied. Either that, or they are sorry that I have chosen to do something that they feel strongly against on some moral/religious level. I accept both, but not without a small rebuttal.

Taking derogatory terms about my situation and making them my own is a powerful tool, and I would like to have more up my sleeve. I like to tell people about how I just love my illegitimate fatherless fetus and it's just how I wanted it, which seems to do the trick. I sort of take what they're thinking (worst case scenario) and make it mine, without lodging an attach against them. I say it with a chuckle.

Feel free to comment, good or bad. How would you handle this?

What are some other terms I could use to describe me and/or my baby and/or my situation? Bastard child, maybe?

Have you or anyone you know been in similar shoes, and how did you respond to critical or concerned questions and reactions?

Also, as a side note, do you find this tasteless?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (47 answers total)

My dad left my mom when I was baby, and when people asked her about my father she just replied, "We're independent." That shut up nosy Southerners pretty quickly.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:12 AM on December 14, 2009 [21 favorites]

On a side note, don't call your kid a bastard except to friends who will know you're joking. Otherwise you're reinforcing the bias that nuclear families are the legitimate kind.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:13 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sigh, the *only* legitimate kind.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:14 AM on December 14, 2009

A single-parent planned pregnancy?
posted by ocherdraco at 8:16 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Using your own description for an idea, why not shrug and retort something along the lines of, "Well, people kept TELLING me what might happen if I kept fooling around with those test tubes...!" That way, you keep it light while informing them categorically that this is your choice.

And congratulations!
posted by dreamphone at 8:16 AM on December 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'd have fun making comments about how the child's going to have to go with (maiden name) because with the father being a turkey baster and all, I'd just not have the heart to name the kid "Baster". Just a shade too close to Bastard after all.

Best of luck to you and ze bebeh!
posted by lizbunny at 8:17 AM on December 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

First of all, Congrats!! Way to want to use humor in dealing with tactless humans. Something about pregnancy brings the crazy out in people, I don't quite understand it.

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation but to answer your humor question, you could always allude to having nine in their to get one up on Octomom!

Also, I personally do not think this is tasteless I think that its awesome.
posted by janelikes at 8:17 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I dunno, if it's a boy you could get a lot of mileage from "All men are bastards anyway."
posted by rokusan at 8:17 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

The News of the World (UK newspaper, scurrilous), unable to publish Bastard' on its front page often fell to 'Love Child' to get its message across. Some might find that pleasantly suitable in this case, if it can be defreighted of any nastiness.
posted by biffa at 8:17 AM on December 14, 2009

You could refer to the kid as "the first member of my clone army."
posted by sciencegeek at 8:17 AM on December 14, 2009 [36 favorites]

Smile and glow and say, "This is just how I wanted it." Just like you did here. Congratulations.
posted by fullofragerie at 8:22 AM on December 14, 2009 [7 favorites]

I think you should refer to the baby as a Christmas miracle. Didn't you have that uncannily realistic dream about an angel visiting you a few months ago?

That said, anyone who offers you gentle support and concern has their heart in the right place. Enlist them now for post-delivery meals, babysitting, etc. I'm not a single parent, but my husband is away a lot of overnights for work and it is hard.

Congrats and enjoy!
posted by xo at 8:23 AM on December 14, 2009

I'd highlight the SCIENCE! aspect of it. Something along the lines of Bela Lugosi's 'Race of atomic supermen!' speech and how you don't need an Igor to be an evil genius.

And yeah, I find the idea of this not so much tasteless as hella freakin' awesome.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:28 AM on December 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

I saw a preggo lesbian couple in my OB-GYN's office once - the pregnant one was wearing a t-shirt that said "Who's your daddy?" with an arrow pointing to her bump. I thought it was a cute way to diffuse the question.
posted by yarly at 8:31 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, as a side note, do you find this tasteless?

I think it's tasteless when you respond with "how I just love my illegitimate fatherless fetus". I understand your wanting to defend against attacks and not have people think negatively or you or your baby and that's certainly a worthy goal. However, you seem to using that as an excuse to rub people's noses in the shit of their own prejudice and as satisfying as that can be, please don't delude yourself into thinking that it isn't an attack. The question is whether that matters to you.

You don't have to put with people's crap, but just because because are being assholish doesn't give you cart blanche to say whatever you want. At least that's the lesson a parent should be teaching a child.

That said, I'm giggling over "the first member of my clone army" and think "Oh, I'm independent" is a nice way of saying none of your business.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:33 AM on December 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Not another term, but a potential deflection once the little one is out and about. The "My Daddy's name is Donor" onesie.

Or since it is Xmas time: "Well, I was visited by the angel Gabriel . . . "
posted by MasonDixon at 8:34 AM on December 14, 2009

Print out a nice wallet-sized picture of a test tube and when someone asks about the dad, say "Hold on, I have a photo right here..."
posted by mikepop at 8:34 AM on December 14, 2009 [17 favorites]

If someone asks who or where the father is, say, "Shoot, I knew I was forgetting something."
posted by keener_sounds at 8:35 AM on December 14, 2009 [6 favorites]

Perhaps adding "I never dreamed when we met in high school chem class that one day he would father my child!"
posted by mikepop at 8:36 AM on December 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

First of all Congrats! I am happy for you. A baby is always special. You are going to love your child and be a great mother. That is all that should matter. You don't need both a father and mother to love a child. Plenty of people do it everyday. If the right guy comes along then cross that bridge when you get there.

Also Balls is right, people just might not know how to respond this situation. It is a new way of parenting/pregnancy.

However if you run into one of those types that responds to anything new with fear and fowl language.. tell them to step off. These are probably the right wing Christian types that judge people without being in their shoes. Who really gives a fuck what their opinion is. Religion and beliefs are personal choices and should stay that way.

As for humor... you could always say that the there is no real difference between a man and a test tube except a tube is usually bigger and more enjoyable. ;)
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:36 AM on December 14, 2009

I got more comments when I was pregnant than I do now - in my experience, only the truly moronic are still making rude, nosy comments about a child's lack of dad by the time that child is seven.

Anyway, my favorite moment was when a Catholic co-worker asked me how I (a single lesbian) managed to get pregnant and I told her it was pretty much the same as with Mary and Jesus.
posted by serazin at 8:36 AM on December 14, 2009 [6 favorites]

Oh, and feel free to mefi mail me if you want more substantial ideas/thoughts.
posted by serazin at 8:37 AM on December 14, 2009

I think somebody as god-awful tasteless as to actually engage anonymous in some sort of moral/political discussion about her choice deserves to have their nose rubbed in it - and I think the joking, breezy "oh, I love my fatherless fetus" is exactly the right tone. It's not aggressive, and what can the possible response be?
posted by yarly at 8:38 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

You could say you're a huge Murphy Brown fan (although her pregnancy didn't involve a test tube). Or, something along the lines of "Just doing my part to piss off Dan Quayle." People will either get the reference and see the humor in it, or they'll be totally clueless and won't have a response, which still works.
posted by amyms at 8:40 AM on December 14, 2009

While taking ownership of derogatory terms may work for you, and I think that is legitimate, I think your child will not be sophisticated enough for it at a young age. Even when s/he reaches the age where s/he might be, it's such a personal thing that I might not chance doing the damage that could come from that kind of joking.

Personally, I would be loath to legitimize rudeness or intrusiveness with any kind of reply at all. I think it would be best to either not dignify those sorts of comments with a reply, or make a polite, cold, short reply that made it clear it was my business alone (Miss Manners has commented on this sort of thing a lot in her columns, and I think she has good advice about it.)
posted by Ashley801 at 8:56 AM on December 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

Surrogate parthenogenesis?
posted by HFSH at 8:59 AM on December 14, 2009

I like the suggestions for "we're independent," "the father's name is Donor," "this is just how I wanted it," and making jokes about test tubes and clone armies. They answer the question as far as you need to and don't engage in the kind of disrespect that, sadly, some people are going to treat you with.

Please don't rope your kid, even when s/he's unborn, into a joke where s/he's a "bastard," "love child," or "illegitimate" or whatever. This is not just your story, this is also your child's story. Don't take it over this way, even if it's meant with well-intentioned irony. "Reclaiming" the word is just another way to draw attention to a distinction that shouldn't matter anyhow, and it's not as if you've been able to consult with your child to see if s/he agrees with you that that's funny. Personally, I find it a bit cringeworthy. It brings back bad Garp flashbacks.

Be positive and dignified. Glad to hear from serazin that the moronic comments dwindle after the pregnancy part is over, although I'm sure you'll have to fend off weirdos nonetheless.

No matter your choice as to how to deal with this issue, congrats!
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:08 AM on December 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

I err on the side of uncomfortable silences (so nice of me!) when anyone gets a bit too much into my business. Just sort of let the question hang in the air. But humor is the better way to go.

Depending on the comment, you could feign surprise at your own situation (mock whisper: I know, I know, I'm not sure how this has happened.." ) as though this were somehow unplanned - until they get it. Then smile.
posted by marimeko at 9:11 AM on December 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm a big fan of letting the person sputter in uncomfortable silence. You're under no obligation to explain or amuse people.

Let them stew for a moment. Then put your hand protectively over you baby bump and smile.
posted by 26.2 at 9:16 AM on December 14, 2009

First of all, mazel tov!

Are you a member of Single Mothers by Choice? If not, I highly recommend that you join and get on their Yahoo listservs. This question has been addressed a lot!
posted by amro at 9:21 AM on December 14, 2009

"I slipped in a chemistry lab and ended up pregnant."
posted by irishcoffee at 9:27 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Please don't rope your kid, even when s/he's unborn, into a joke where s/he's a "bastard," "love child," or "illegitimate" or whatever. This is not just your story, this is also your child's story. Don't take it over this way, even if it's meant with well-intentioned irony. "Reclaiming" the word is just another way to draw attention to a distinction that shouldn't matter anyhow, and it's not as if you've been able to consult with your child to see if s/he agrees with you that that's funny. Personally, I find it a bit cringeworthy.

I completely agree. This is one of those situations where living well is the best revenge. To joke about test tubes and turkey basters reinforces the idea in the mind of the critical ninnies that you're not taking parenting very seriously.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:38 AM on December 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

Emperor's Children, in the Books of Swords by Fred Saberhagen.
posted by Slinga at 9:39 AM on December 14, 2009

Mod note: few comments removed - answers that say "don't do this" are fine, answers that berate the OP, less so. MetaTalk is an option, as is email, thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:43 AM on December 14, 2009

"I got blinded by science."
posted by KathrynT at 9:43 AM on December 14, 2009

When someone asks who the father is, you could say, "Just some jerkoff."
posted by cali59 at 10:05 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd give him an entirely mythical name and back history. Say, call him Turk Iba Sterr, a nomadic cobbler from Istanbul who left to cross the Sahara by camel train and tragically disappeared.

There's no harm in adding a bit of romance to a test tube baby. If a trillion monkeys can type the combined works of Shakespeare, who knows, this version of the truth may even technically be true.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:06 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's nobody's business how the baby was conceived. If someone says they're sorry, give them a peculiar look, and stay silent. If someone asks where the Dad is, just say it's personal, and leave it at that. Any answers you give make the question acceptable. The people you're close to might know how the child was conceived, but Aunt Noseyface and Uncle Snoopster can just keep themselves occupied wondering. The joke-y answers are not going to work, the snoops want to know if you used a turkey baster or got knocked up on a blind date, and it's all an invasion of your privacy, and your child's. Congratulations on your wonderful news!
posted by theora55 at 10:31 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's your self-love child.
posted by amtho at 10:42 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd probably say "I went to the doctor's and got myself knocked up," but I'm pretty unapologetically blunt that way.
posted by chowflap at 12:15 PM on December 14, 2009

This is not just your story, this is also your child's story. Don't take it over this way, even if it's meant with well-intentioned irony.

Not entirely the same situation, but my parents never got married, and split a few years after I was born. As soon as I learned the meaning of the word 'bastard' I was happily using it for myself, especially because the other kids didn't know that meaning and I got to educate them. It is also the child's story, and so they get to add to it too, come the time. If they're in on the joke, you're not really taking anything away from them.
posted by Dandeson Coates, Sec'y at 12:19 PM on December 14, 2009

I'm going to second this: "Please don't rope your kid, even when s/he's unborn, into a joke where s/he's a "bastard," "love child," or "illegitimate" or whatever. This is not just your story, this is also your child's story."

My dad and mom were never married and she tended to refer to him as a "sperm donor" to me and, while I'm not traumatized, it also didn't fill me with glowing pride about my origins - and it still makes me a little uncomfortable to remember the way she said it. I know you're not going to have the vitriol of feeling abandoned that my mom had about my dad, but it sounds like you're dealing, at a minimum, with disappointment at people and stereotyped expectations, and the kid might feel that. So I'd just be cautious - and definitely avoid saying all men are bastards anyway, yeesh.
posted by lorrer at 12:50 PM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

"I paid the doctor to knock me up."

"Consumer Reports said this was the best sperm for the money..."

"I'm hoping for an ubermensch to right the wrongs of this world... but the recipe was vague on how much baking soda to use."

"After I saw how cute they are, I just had to have one!"
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 1:09 PM on December 14, 2009

My first two kids were conceived with donor sperm, although I am in a relationship. When I was interested in having a third and my partner was not yet on board, I used to joke about going back to the doctor for an insemination and then pretending it was accidental: "I swear, I thought I was just there for a pap smear!"
posted by not that girl at 1:47 PM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

As a few others have said, please be careful about what you say around your child. Children don't understand sarcasm. The words you say are exactly the words your child will hear and believe.
posted by moira at 4:16 PM on December 14, 2009

When someone tells you that they're "sorry," smile and say, "I'm not"
posted by DeltaForce at 9:50 PM on December 14, 2009

Once again I give you my standard answer to all inappropriate questions:

"Why do you ask?"


Works every time.
posted by Violet Hour at 1:02 AM on December 15, 2009 [3 favorites]