Should I date other people while involved in a long-distance relationship?

December 13, 2009 3:54 PM

I've been in a long-distance relationship for five years, we'll call him "M." It is a damn challenge. During those five years, M and I have gone back and forth between an open relationship, not a relationship, and a long-distance relationship. We've both dated other people, but never gotten serious about anyone else. I just started dating someone, "J." Do I need to tell J about M? And should I even be dating other people?

(Asking a question for a friend filter)
M has recently finished school and has been talking about finding a job closer to me. I am excited but also scared because it's going to change the relationship a lot. It'll make it real. This is the first time that living together could be in the immediate future instead of the distant future. We met in college, dated for a year, and then went our separate ways only to reconnect every few months. We've been through a lot and I feel pretty serious about him. But the fact that we've allowed each other to date other people has led to a lot of jealousy and hurt feelings.

I haven't gotten real serious about J, but am hesitant to break it off with him because M's plans are still tentative. In fact, until M said he would be moving nearby, I was ready to say that now would be a good time to end things with M. M knows I am seeing someone right now but is fine with this as long as, if he were to move to my area, I would end that relationship.

This all just seems like a messy recipe for heartbreak for all parties. I am tired of dating other people only casually but still feel strongly for M.

So, what should I do? Should I continue dating other people? Tell J about M?

posted by ajarbaday to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Well, are you continuing with M because he's the person you want to be with the most, or just because you've already invested so much time and effort into that relationship, and he's a known safe quantity?

On the one hand, it might be worth it to wait slightly longer for M to move closer to you, as long as he's making a good faith effort to do so.

On the other hand, it might not be worth it to wait any longer at all, and M's plans to move need to go from tentative to definite right now, or you will stop basing your future plans on him.

Either way, I think if things are not serious/monogamous with you and J yet, you don't need to tell him about M or break things off with M. However, it's important that J knows you are not serious/monogamous yet- physically AND emotionally.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:05 PM on December 13, 2009

So you haven't officially ended the relationship with M but you're dating other people? You don't owe it to people you're casually dating to tell them about other people you're casually dating, but you owe it to anyone you date, casually or seriously, to tell them about an existing serious relationship you have, even if it's long-distance and complicated and sort of an open relationship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:06 PM on December 13, 2009 [5 favorites]

Does M know that you're of a "move in or move on" mind right now? It sounds like you are definitely willing to give the relationship a go, but he's the one still on the fence. I think you need to put the ball in his court, because you can't really make plans either way till he decides where he's going. M needs to know that you are in a place where you would like to either a) take steps to solidify the relationship with proximity/monogamy and see where that takes you as a couple or b) cut the strings and work on moving forward in other directions. He may need time to think about that, but his response will definitely simply things.
posted by hegemone at 4:50 PM on December 13, 2009

I am tired of dating other people only casually but still feel strongly for M.

You are not going to be able to date anyone any other way than casually as long as M is in the picture. So the mature thing to do would be to commit to seeing the thing through with M, so that you don't trivialize anyone else's feelings in the meantime. Or to be incredibly honest with new parties so they can judge for themselves.
posted by hermitosis at 5:26 PM on December 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

It seems like M has you on a string a little bit. He may not be doing it intentionally, in fact he probably isn't but the idea that you aren't allowed to get serious about someone else in the off chance he might one day want to move near you is ridiculous. So you're allowed to see another person but you have to dump them if and when he chooses to take things further with you? It's time for him - and you- to make a call as you're now potentially messing with a third person's heart who doesn't deserve to be treated as a filler relationship until M decides he wants to be serious about you.

I wouldn't date them both, I would choose one and stick with it. If you're happy to take the risk that M may or may not move near you, I would wait for him. Or alternately, tell M it's over and genuinely give the other guy a real go without thinking that M is there waiting in the wings but I wouldn't see them both and just be half hearted about it.
posted by Jubey at 5:48 PM on December 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Your title question is whether you should date other people while in a long-distance relationship. That's one that is harder to answer, and of course if it works for your relationship, than that should be fine. However, in your actual post, you ask if you should tell J about M. Yes. He should know that you're in a serious relationship with someone else. Like Meg_Murry said, if things were casual with both J and M, then it would be another story, but since you're in a LTR with M, J should really know.
posted by ishotjr at 6:33 PM on December 13, 2009

Shouldn't you convey to M that your eye is roving before he potentially organizes his post-school life around being closer to you?
posted by zadcat at 6:36 PM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I haven't gotten real serious about J, but am hesitant to break it off with him because M's plans are still tentative....This all just seems like a messy recipe for heartbreak for all parties.

Everyone else has addressed the crux of the matter, so I'll just add that yes, when you put it that way, it does seem like you're playing a bit of a game of chicken.

Here's a possible order of operations:
- tell M you're ready to either make it real or move on
- based on the response you get, make a decision about whether you're moving on or not
- tell J what's going on and make the risks to him clear (even if you're still waiting to hear M's response, or even if you're then in the process of breaking up with M)
posted by salvia at 7:06 PM on December 13, 2009

Whatever else you do, you should tell J what your situation is.

From personal experience, it's a real fucking pain in the arse to be involved with somebody who's in an open relationship & they completely fail to mention this to you.

I think it's fair for people to make a default assumption that anybody they might be dating is not, in fact, involved with anybody else, so the onus is on you to be upfront & proactive, and to correct that assumption if it's not true.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:22 PM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I had a friend who was in this situation, and when she finally had the chance to live in the same town and date her "M" for real she realized they really weren't compatible at all personality-wise and barely shared any interests. Just a data point.
posted by MsMolly at 7:26 PM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

You need to end it with M before he wastes anymore time with you. Then either pursue things with J, or go about on your own, this relationship you have with M is ultimately a drain on both of you.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:36 PM on December 13, 2009

You should do whatever feels right... as long as the other person/people know about it.

It sounds like you have had some openness in the relationship(s) to date... keep that up. It's only when you catch yourself lying about something, or hiding something from one of these people... that's when you are doing something wrong.
posted by rokusan at 8:40 PM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd be totally honest with J. I'd want to know if I was backup-guy.
posted by Solomon at 11:48 PM on December 13, 2009

Do I need to tell J about M?

Whatever else you do, absolutely YES, you need to tell anyone you're dating now that "Oh yeah, I've been in an on-and-off long distance relationship for a while. We're not together now and it's no big deal, but we've traditionally had an open relationship and I thought you should know."

If J finds out later, he's gonna feel like you lied to him on top of perhaps also feeling jealous/insecure and just pissed off. If he finds out now, he can decide whether or not he wants to deal with it. Absolutely, you have to tell him ASAP.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:50 AM on December 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

It's not fair to anyone to take them on as a kind of second boyfriend without their knowledge.
posted by Nattie at 10:33 AM on December 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was in J's situation a few months ago, except that the person in your friend's position told me from the start, before anything happened, that he was in a serious long distance relationship in which there was a "don't ask-don't tell" understanding. This way he gave me the opportunity to decide whether I wanted to get involved given all the facts. I really respected that because it meant I never felt mislead or deceived. It also meant I could take responsibility and own the situation instead of unwittingly finding myself in an emotional tangle.

Eventually we did develop a deeper emotional connection and he broke up with "M", not so much so we could be together but because he felt it was unfair on her. We are still together now and very happy. I'm sure that if I had found out a few weeks or months down the track that he had a girlfriend instead of at the start things would have ended very differently. I agree with those who say not telling J is very unfair.

In terms of whether your friend should keep dating other people ... in my experience long distance relationships are hard enough without having to worry about the other people your partner is seeing. It seems to me it might be time to really commit to being with M and making plans to move closer together, or for both to cut their losses and start to move on. There comes a point where you have to decide whether it is still worth the emotional energy.
posted by abundancecafe at 1:23 AM on December 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm skipping the other comments, just to get this out from my point of view as purely as possible so sorry for any repeating:

I nearly had the same experience as you. Had a 4 year bicoastal open LDR during college years, which I tried to follow up with a move to her town to make real what had been like "play" for so long.

It was an open thing, even though I never considered really getting involved with anyone else and visiting her was amazing (can't count all the airmiles I racked up back then). But it was always a bitch to come clean when either of us felt the need to air whatever had been going on, like hookups etc. And I believe this marks the whole thing as very unhealthy and not a good molding agent for healthy relationships in the future. I don't know a lot of people that have successful open things. It was a struggle in the beginning of my next serious relationship to understand what commitment meant, and I nearly fucked it up a few times.

I finally pulled the trigger to move out to really give it a go with her on the 4th year(after school), because we really had love between us. But found as I was driving across country I had actually fallen for the person I was leaving behind, who I had told that I more or less had someone in another city and so I couldn't get close to her. I also realized I missed out on many different persons(before the "love" one hit me) when I was trying to remain true to the LDR woman. Uggh, just writing about it seems messy and overly complicated. Turns out I flew back 30 days later and was with the love of my life for the last 5 years.

My point is that if our experiences(me and you, OP) can be seen as similar, then I learned this: I loved the LDR I had with the woman, but it turned out to be mostly about the fact that it wasn't really real, always when I was on vacation visiting, or vice versa, never daily grind kind of stuff. I missed out and looked like a jerk to a lot of incredible women when I had to say "hey, i'm emotionally not available, but if you wanna make out its cool!" (what a horny idiot I must've sounded like). And when me and the LDR SO were actually sitting face to face when there was no time-limit of when the next flight home was going to be, it just didn't have the same punch, and the past garbage of all the dating other people in between seemed really uncool. If you were about to break it off, then maybe thats a sign. Its scary as hell to know what might come of you and the current flame, but then again it might be worse if you look back and realize there was more to relate to with that person than with the one that you didn't feel compelled to completely be monogamous with.

I dunno if that helps, but there ya have it.
posted by talljamal at 2:55 PM on December 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

"M knows I am seeing someone right now but is fine with this as long as, if he were to move to my area, I would end that relationship."


i've been in multiple happy open relationships with people who live in other cities. however, what you're describing is not my definition of an open relationship. telling someone that they can't have any emotion for people they date/have sex with and must be willing to coldly dump them immediately when someone else snaps their fingers is not respectful to you or to the other person. most people aren't even going to want to date you casually if they feel like the decision about whether or not you keep dating is in the hands of some man in another city vs. your own mind. from my perspective M is demanding monogamy based on an "if".

also, it almost sounded like you were considering the idea of having M move to your city and move in with you simultaneously. that strikes me as a terrible idea since your relationship would inevitably change a lot by being in the same city... hopefully for the better, but not necessarily.
posted by groovinkim at 4:02 AM on December 22, 2009