The right time / way, to discuss moveing in together (going from long-distance relationship to near-distance). Help.
December 10, 2009 8:55 PM   Subscribe

When is the right time to discuss moving in together when you've recently translated your relationship from skyping for 3 years to actual dating in person for 2 months?

Basically, I chatted with a guy via skype for 3 years. We finally met two months ago and it has been dynamite between us, but he has never brought up living together. I can sense he doesn't want to get his own place yet ect (young adult) but I want to settle down and live with him so I don't have to return to my country of origin. This long-distance thing isn't my thing, in other words.

When is the appropriate time / way to bring up this kind of sensitive subject?
posted by audio to Human Relations (28 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
When you say "settle down and live with him so I don't have to return to my country of origin," do you mean that you want to get married so you can stay in the country, or so that you can afford to rent a place? Normally I'd say woah, slow down, but it sounds like you may have more pressing practical issues. If you do decide to have this conversation with your guy, you should definitely be up front about why you're setting a timetable.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:02 PM on December 10, 2009


Response by poster: So I can afford to rent a place and find a job / start out there. Plus we're in a sexual relationship at this point and I don't want to give him the idea that he can "have the milk without buying the cow... " if you know what I mean, metaphorically. lol
posted by audio at 9:04 PM on December 10, 2009


I can sense he doesn't want to get his own place yet etc...

He.... lives with his parents?

Slow the hell down.
posted by rokusan at 9:09 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Man, I don't know when the right time to bring that up is, but it ain't two months in.
posted by borkingchikapa at 9:09 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Another way to phrase what I said above: I don't want him to think I will be a call-girl that will see him every couple months for sexual favors. I'm tired of this long-distance thing we have going on.
posted by audio at 9:10 PM on December 10, 2009


Two months holy jesus! I would be freaked right out if my *brand new girlfriend was wanting to move in with me when we had just started going out, regardless of how long we had known each prior to going out.

Two months is still honeymoon, skype shmype whatever, you barely know each other; expecting to move in at this stage is definitely outside the median timeframe. But more importantly, a hasty decision in this regard could end badly. Get to know how you both live before you decide living together is the best option.
posted by smoke at 9:11 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: That isn't possible because of financial reasons. Either I need to make a commitment to be where he is, or I need to go back to my country for 6 months or more before I see him again for a short period of time.
posted by audio at 9:13 PM on December 10, 2009


If you're sick of long distance, move to his city or whatever, not his bedroom.

But yikes, if you're sick of long distance after two months, I don't know, man. I had to do long distance with my partner for over 18 months before we could live together in the same city. It wasn't great all the time, but what was the rush? We have our whole lives together.
posted by smoke at 9:14 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Could you get a different roommate (or roommates) to help reduce rent while you get started? In most places, if you're not too picky about your temporary living situation you can find something bearable for pretty cheap. I suspect that moving in together that quickly would put a whole lot of pressure on a relationship when it's still fragile, and personally I'd do just about anything else. You could end up wrecking something that might have been good, or you could end up in a situation where you're dependent on someone without any resources of your own if things don't work out. I'm sure you love him, but there are a whole lot of issues that can come up when you're spending time with someone in person, no less living with them. Love doesn't mean you'll be good roommates. A friend of mine ended up in a similar situation, and it went very badly.

Also: right now, aren't you also getting the milk without buying the cow? You're getting "dynamite" sexytimes, too. Stating it like you did makes it sound like you're doing him some kind of favor, and comes off as a pretty old-fashioned attitude towards sex and gender relations. Maybe you should talk to him about how sex is meaningful to you and so you want some kind of commitment, but asking him to support you financially really shouldn't be related.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:18 PM on December 10, 2009 [7 favorites]


Is it the same bloke you asked about here? You got pretty comprehensive advice about the prospects for a serious relationship back then.
When is the appropriate time / way to bring up this kind of sensitive subject?
When you're discussing his work, income, and plans to financially contribute to a relationship.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:19 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


The "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" idea is horribly flawed. You don't want a man who will promise to marry you/live with you just so he can have "the milk." If you love each other, you'll come to some kind of agreement on this issue when the time is right. But two months of dating in person is nothing. You talked via Skype for three years, but you're just getting to know each other in the outside world! It happens all the time, and it sometimes works, but just as often it doesn't. And if it doesn't, what are you going to do?

I say that if you want to bring this up before you have to go back to your home country, and you don't want to freak him out - just tell him what's on your mind: that this is about practical concerns, not, "OMG I love you so much, and I know you're not ready to settle down, and okay, so we just met, but I'm ready, so we have to do it RIGHT NOW." He may be more understanding then.
posted by katillathehun at 9:19 PM on December 10, 2009


Wow, a lot of scary wordings are popping out of your mouth here...

...I want to settle down and live with him so I don't have to return to my country of origin. This long-distance thing isn't my thing, in other words.
...
So I can afford to rent a place and find a job / start out there. Plus we're in a sexual relationship at this point and I don't want to give him the idea that he can "have the milk without buying the cow... " if you know what I mean, metaphorically. lol


OK, so, by your own words, you want to live with him so you can stay in this country, afford to rent a place, and make him "buy the cow".

Your explanations are rife with "sugar daddy" references. Maybe you need to rethink how much you really want to be with him, instead of just with the financial security that this represents to you.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:22 PM on December 10, 2009


Does he know your intention is to live in his country? If not, he might feel like you've based your entire relationship with him on using him for citizenship (which, honestly by the way this is written, sounds like it's the truth). Even if he did know this, maybe things aren't actually going as swimmingly as they are to you as they are for him and he wasn't expecting to bring it up until after you left.

Six months isn't a long time, but it's definitely time enough for you guys to have a much more in-depth conversation about if this is feasible. That doesn't mean in six months he's going to have the means to get his own place so that you can stay with him. I mean, pushing someone to make a commitment like this for your own benefit is a pretty low thing to do. I hope he knew this was your plan all along.
posted by june made him a gemini at 9:30 PM on December 10, 2009


Wait. Wait. Hang on. Back in August, you were just looking for anywhere to live. Now BAM, you want to live with this guy. I don't know. This, to me, smacks of someone who just doesn't want to go home, and Boyfriend is an opportunity. I don't doubt you have feelings for him, but think this through before you either hurt yourself or the guy.

Advertise for a roommate or something. Start your own life that doesn't depend on your boyfriend because you are going to find yourself stuck pretty quickly if you're pinning all your hopes for, well, not living in Canada on a guy you talked to on Skype for a while.
posted by katillathehun at 9:36 PM on December 10, 2009


...I want to settle down and live with him so I don't have to return to my country of origin. This long-distance thing isn't my thing, in other words.
...
So I can afford to rent a place and find a job / start out there. Plus we're in a sexual relationship at this point and I don't want to give him the idea that he can "have the milk without buying the cow... " if you know what I mean, metaphorically. lol

...
Another way to phrase what I said above: I don't want him to think I will be a call-girl that will see him every couple months for sexual favors. I'm tired of this long-distance thing we have going on.

I'm not completely exonerating audio here but these statements need some context. See her previous post . She just spent a significant amount of her savings to move to California for this guy. From her perspective she has put quite a bit of effort and funds into this relationship while this guys only contribution appears to be good sex. So there is a MAJOR disconnect here about various expectations and obligations in this relationship. I'm no relationship expert so I have no solutions to offer. I just wanted to point that out.
posted by Procloeon at 10:19 PM on December 10, 2009


She just spent a significant amount of her savings to move to California for this guy.

Huh? Where'd she say that? As far as I can tell, she visited him in California for no more than two weeks.

audio, I think you need to talk to the guy honestly about where you both see this thing heading. I mean, are you sure he's even exclusive with you? Something about the guy preferring to be "homeless" to getting his own place sounds a little shady. Is he seeing this "long distance relationship" the same way you do, or does it mean something different to him?

Oh, and generally when you add "-ing" to a verb ending in "e", you drop the "e."
posted by amro at 10:35 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Judging by your previous post, it looks as if he's already okay with you moving to be with him. Have you actually spoken to him about getting a place together?

I would suggest you just talk to him about it, mentioning what you did in your previous AskMeFi. Tell him that finding/funding a place on your own would be a huge hassle, and suggest renting a place together to make the distance issue easier.

If he declines, I think you really need to evaluate how much effort you're putting in to be with him vs how much he is to be with you. It could just be that it isn't the right time in either of your lives for this to be able to work out.

As for the "buying the cow" argument, if you're concerned that he's after the "milk" but not the "cow", then perhaps stop giving him the milk. I don't know what the situation is there, but it sounds like you're insecure about his intentions and that will probably save you emotional pain in the long run.
posted by biochemist at 10:37 PM on December 10, 2009


Your previous post made clear a number of...undesirable issues with this dude, and finished with your "I think I need to let this one go." What happened?

Simply living with him will not make it legal for you to remain in the US. Staying there for an extended period will complicate your return to Canada (want no health insurance for half a year?). Unless there are huge things about visas and employment you're not mentioning, this is not how one emigrates.

If you are simply desperate to get an American boyfriend -- the US is full of men. Put a personal up on a dating site; see if you can't actually find an adult who likes you and wants a relationship, instead of this kid who couldn't be arsed to visit you even if you bought his ticket.

Some of what you've posted is pretty bizarre. Women in healthy long-distance relationships do not see themselves as "a call-girl that will see him every couple months for sexual favors." If that is the genuine assessment of the emotion involved here, there just isn't any correct time to talk to him about living together; you don't have that sort of relationship.
posted by kmennie at 11:24 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


Yeah, is this the guy from your other questions? The one who refused to visit you even though you offered to pay? Whom everyone suggested was not prime relationship material at the present time?

My advice is that it is way too early to think about moving in together. That this relationship, such that it is, is a drama filled volcano just waiting to explode. That moving in together is likely to ratchet that up to Yellowstone Supervolcano levels. That you seem to be making sub-optimal decisions through youth, inexperience, and fear of the alternatives. Really, you need to get secure and comfortable in your own life before you move in with somebody who clearly doesn't have his life together either.

And, lastly, my advice is that you actually listen to advice rather than just going ahead and doing what you were going to do in the first place. Which is what I expect will happen here.
posted by Justinian at 1:58 AM on December 11, 2009


Skype-time doesn't really count. The relationship proper starts only when you have spent an afternoon together, in person. Two months seems awfully short a time, especially with someone who "doesn't want to get his own place yet".
posted by Orchestra at 3:13 AM on December 11, 2009


Best answer: I have actually been in a somewhat similar situation. Very long-distance relationship for several years, very long-distance move to be together, figuring out the living-together part.

The right time to discuss it is, apparently, right now. You seem to feel a sense of urgency about it. However, keep in mind that six more months of long-distance relationship really isn't that long. I sympathise -- after several years of distance, your desire to be physically close can start to override the practical reality of moving, living together, etc. But you've done it for three years, you can do another half-year. Especially if you keep yourself busy working hard, saving up money, and job- and home-hunting in your boyfriend's area.

The right way to discuss it depends on your relationship and relative levels of maturity. I don't agree that you can't build a meaningful relationship when you're physically distant -- especially with the immediacy of VoIP -- but the quality and depth of the relationship depends a lot on the people involved. And it's not a good indicator of how well you will live together.

I would approach it without bringing up the fact that you feel that, in order to start a life in his area, you must live with him. It is much more empowering for you, and probably much less scary for him, if you are able to support yourself independently (meaning, are able to pay your own rent on your own place). Move to his area, get your own place, and revisit the living-together idea in six months or a year.

When you uproot your whole life for someone, it's really important to be sure that you're not going to feel trapped (I'm stuck in this apartment with this guy, I can't kick him out out, I can't move back home, there's no way out) if the relationship goes south. The more control you exert over your living and working situations, the less likely it is that you'll feel trapped. Give yourself the gift of independence.

I would also approach it without bringing up the idea that, if he won't live with you, then you'll feel like a call girl, and without bringing up the "milk without the cow" thing. It's unfortunate that you feel that way, and please believe that it's not normal for people in long-distance relationships to feel like call girls because they are physically distant from their boyfriends. But I think this feeling is something that you have to work out within yourself -- soul-search about why you feel the way you do about the milk and the cows. Approaching the idea of living together with this type of ultimatum -- "move in with me so I don't feel like a slut" -- is not going to go well, especially when you're talking to a person who already feels reluctant about it. You don't want to start your joint home life with a threat or with the implication that he "owes" anything to you because you had sex.

The best way is to be honest and realistic. "I love being physically close to you, I love the way it makes our relationship grow and deepen, but I feel a lot of urgency about my financial situation. Right now, I feel the only options are for me to leave for six months or for us to move in together. I want to know how you feel about those options." Maybe he has a third idea that you haven't thought of yet.
posted by transporter accident amy at 4:39 AM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


I was in my mid-30s when I "met" the man I had been corresponding with for years. After a great vacation and one longish trip he took to stay with me & my family, we decided to marry because it was either marry or not be together. He and I are both otherwise sensible, unsentimental, not-impulsive people, and even friends who are skeptical of Internet relationships thought it was great.

However, there is no substitute for actual, old-school dating and getting to know a person. It was clear soon after we actually started living together that we were very poorly matched. But by that time he had given up his life in his home country, we had married, and we had intermingled our finances by buying a home together. We have been separated for several years now, and he is completely alone in this country. He's going "home" to his home country this Christmas for the first time in 4 years, because separating and maintaining two households costs a lot more than one, and it took us a year to sell our house in the recession and we earned practically nothing on the sale. Moving back to his home country is out of the question, as it costs way too much and now his career is here. Separating is hard for everyone, but it's especially hard for the one who left their home and family for love, and in the end love isn't enough.

Don't move to another country to be with a man (or a woman). Even under the best of circumstances you simply cannot know a person well enough via correspondence to know that you would be compatible on a day-in, day-out basis. And you have not described the best of circumstances. You've described wanting to live together to save money and to get out of your home country. It's not a promising beginning.
posted by headnsouth at 4:55 AM on December 11, 2009 [9 favorites]


You need to separate out these different concerns that you have.

1. You need a roommate to afford to live where you want to live.
2. You don't want your boyfriend to "see you as a call girl"
3. You (possibly?) would like to live with him.

Number 1 is nothing to do with your boyfriend. If you can afford to live somewhere with a boyfriend, you can afford to live there with a flatmate like all the other single young people around this place.

For number 2, you need to think through what it would actually mean, "I don't want him to think I will be a call girl". Do you mean, you'd like to spend some time with him that's not only having sex? Do you mean, you'd like him to be more considerate, or to contact you more? Is there any reason why he would need to live with you to do these things? Do you have some suspicion that he already does treat you like a call girl, and if so, what makes you think that living together would change his behaviour?

For number 3, you should move in with when BOTH you and he get to the stage where you would really actually like to live together, you would like to do housework together, get groceries together, and spend a lot of your daily life together. Remember, it's easy to move in but much more difficult to move out if it doesn't work!

I reckon that all discussion of moving in together should wait until after the "disney chemicals" have calmed down, after you have had your first fight, and after you have been on holiday together.
posted by emilyw at 5:32 AM on December 11, 2009


don't do it unless he brings it up. also, have you pulled a credit report and background check on him? you should.
posted by anniecat at 8:36 AM on December 11, 2009


If his living/work situation is the same as it was back in August, be prepared to cover his half of the rent too. Putting the relationship completely aside, he doesn't sound like he'd make a reliable roommate.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:54 AM on December 11, 2009


also, have you pulled a credit report and background check on him? you should.

Whoa, what? Don't do this. If you lack trust in him to the extent that you would consider this, then just call the whole thing off.
posted by amro at 9:03 AM on December 11, 2009


Best answer: Just as an anecdotal thing, I lived with a guy (who was also a musician) for an entire year before I realized that pretty much everything he'd ever told me was a well-crafted lie intended to wring as much sympathy, money and anything else he could get out of me before I caught on. And that was after I'd contacted friends of his from previous cities he'd lived in. He was from the same country as me, and I'd spent quite a bit of time with his family. Turns out nobody else wanted him living with them, either, and nobody wanted to volunteer information that would scare me away because they were afraid of him and his previous history of suicide attempts, extortion, harassment and theft.

Ultimately, my guy was simply looking for someone dumb enough to financially support him and give him a place to live with the absolute minimum effort once he'd established a connection. I begged friends to give him paying jobs (which he ended up quitting or getting fired from anyway) and it took me an entire year to break up and get him out of my house.

He stole money from my bank account, our once-great sex life disappeared after he moved in, and after I kicked him out, he stopped by to "talk" one day and stole my grandmother's ring (which I assume was pawned for heroin, though I can't prove it conclusively).

The worst part is, every friend I had gave me the "something is wrong with him. I don't know why you can't see it. He gives me a weird vibe... are you sure this is what you want?" speech the entire time we were dating before he moved in. Even my gut was twitching, saying, Be Careful. But I wanted to believe the things he said; I saw a talented artist and a tortured soul and I wanted to... rescue him? Be the person who Was There For Him When Nobody Else Would Be? Etc.

I should've listened to everybody. Especially my intuition. Sounds like yours knows this is Not A Good Situation, but you don't want to believe you wasted several years of your life paying attention to a hot guy in another country for no reason.

So, seriously, you're 21? Don't do this. I don't care how gorgeous or sweet or poetic dude is, or how awesome the sex may be. You could get screwed over pretty badly and ultimately get deported back to Canada.

If I am misreading your situation entirely, you should mutually agree that the only way to live together is to make everything 50/50. It shouldn't be that hard for you two to contribute a good-faith gesture on both of your parts that would guarantee you are equally invested in the relationship. I just hate the idea of you getting manipulated, and you don't have the life experiences that will help you distinguish between a charming liar and Prince Charming (he doesn't exist, by the way).

Please do not send this person money or spend all your money to be with this person. That's all I'm saying. Be aware that until you are able to observe a person on a day-in, day-out basis, you can't know them or understand their motives completely.

My last comment: Words are not actions. Based on the actions you've listed in this and previous posts, you are far more heavily invested in this relationship than he appears to be, but whatever he's saying to you might be making you blind to the facts.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:07 AM on December 11, 2009 [2 favorites]


also, have you pulled a credit report and background check on him? you should.

--Whoa, what? Don't do this. If you lack trust in him to the extent that you would consider this...


I think that apparent overreaction is based on the poster's previous question-drama, and in light of the twists and turns therein... it ain't completely unwarranted.
posted by rokusan at 3:45 PM on December 11, 2009


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