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What's the best way to have sex with a tall dude with a big penis who was a virgin up til last week? Please do not answer "vigorously".
December 10, 2009 4:29 PM   Subscribe

NSFW-Filter: My new lover's penis is rather large and we have a not insignificant height difference. Also, he was a virgin up until last week. Please advise.

So I am dating this guy who was a virgin when I met him, so he had no idea that he has a pretty big penis. I'm pretty tight-- it's been ages since I've had intercourse (my most recent relationship was with a lady), and sex hasn't been painful with him, but it is a bit uncomfortable, and so far we've had to go very slow in order to keep him from hurting me.

In the past I've had pain in the back of my vaginal opening (similar to what's described in this question, but less severe, and the combination of using a vibrator before sex and using angles that put less friction on that area helped.

I need advice on positions that would help deal with the combination of the height difference (he is a lot taller than me) and the penis size. (Do those pillows in the triangular prism shape-- or other pillows-- used to prop people up help?) We're already using lube (though if you have any particularly awesome brand suggestions, I am always open to new ideas).

General advice on breaking in virgins (without any actual breaking) would also be nice! I am a pretty good teacher about everything but intercourse itself.

Thanks in advance!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
You on top is easiest in that situation, in my opinion anyway. YMMV
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:46 PM on December 10, 2009


I'm a tall guy with a large penis who tends to date women quite a bit shorter (and much smaller framed) than me. The wedge pillow idea is a good one; you want your pelvis on the high part and your shoulder blades on the low part, and go from there (normal pillows work well too, provided they're not totally shapeless). Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, squatting, and spoon or other sideways positions seem to work well. As always, plenty of foreplay, etc.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:47 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


As someone who is at least somewhat height/wiener proportionate and has dated short women, I'll confirm that Inspector Gadget is correct. A regular bed pillow under her (uh, your) hips can really help; lube isn't a bad idea; sideways positions are good. Woman-on-top is good in that you can control the depth and speed, but some people seem to find it more uncomfortable rather than better -- this is a seriously YMMV thing, and it'll take (fun, very very fun) experimenting to figure out what works for you. And play around with angles and positioning -- there's a big difference between leaning forward and back when you are on top, for example, and equally big changes in every other position from minor differences in approach and angle.

If he's new to the sex thing, getting him to calm down and take it slow and easy can be tricky. I know for myself it took a lot of bad sex before I could start separating out all the different sensations and figure out how to be more in control of myself. If he's young and is fast to recover between orgasms, getting him off once first (by hand, mouth, on his own, whatever works) and then having sex for the second go-round can help by taking the pressure and urgency off.
posted by Forktine at 5:06 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


Also, I'd note that there isn't (in my limited experience) any real correlation between women's height and how large they are down below (probably any more than there is between a man's height and his penis size). So shortness matters for certain sexual positions, but isn't any iron-clad predictor of size-compatibility.
posted by Forktine at 5:16 PM on December 10, 2009


Avoid doggy-style.

Positions that allow you to be in control (or at least favor your control) are best, as others have noted.

Keep some lube near the bed. It is really only a partial aid to the problem some of the time, but when you are dealing with tight fits, every little bit helps - that is, while any girl can chafe at times, you've got (ahem) a bigger problem than most.

Let him know that no matter how he comes - oral, vaginal, in your hands, in his - it's all cool, hot, and exciting to you. That's one of the biggest hangups I had to get over as a newly-devirgined boy - what will she think if I want this/that/come early/can't come that way?

Fingers first - one, then two, then three - can really help loosen you up. This is probably a bigger aid if it's girth, rather than length, that's the problem, but for both cases: relax your muscles first with smaller insertions.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:03 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sex hasn't been painful with him, but it is a bit uncomfortable, and so far we've had to go very slow in order to keep him from hurting me.

Totally common. When intercourse crosses the line from "a bit comfortable" into actual real pain, you'll know, and you should stop at that point. As some above say, it's more about angles and your own level of relaxation than lubrication. (Lubrication only helps if you're having friction discomfort, which is different.)

Try different positions, go slow, and above all give him feedback (both good and bad) while you're going at it. Your guy being kind and considerate about this makes it a lot easier, but be warned: that can also be a bit of a trap that holds you both back from better sex.

As long as he's not causing actual pain, try to fiddle with angles and experiment to find the best method on your own, too: you can do a lot with your own pelvic muscles and angle without him even noticing the change.

Be careful not to make him feel too bad, too often for "hurting" you, either. As long as it's short of real pain, be sure to encourage him, too, because if you stop everything he tries or the two of you get into a full-time habit of holding back, you risk him retreating into being too careful all the time, which can really sap the excitement and fun for both of you.

See, the best sex happens when you learn your bodies well enough to take the safeties off and go a little wild. Make sure you're working toward that, slowly, rather than finding a lukewarm "safe" level and staying there.
posted by rokusan at 6:28 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


silicone based lube is great, won't get tacky and stays slick. You just can't use it with other silicone toys or condoms, so that may be out for you guys.
posted by TheBones at 6:33 PM on December 10, 2009


Foreplay not only adds lubrication to your girl parts - it also causes them to realign, relax, and expand, making more space for a penis. Make sure you are getting enough foreplay and are suitably relaxed. This is harder to do with a new partner, it gets easier as you get more comfortable with someone.
posted by mai at 6:54 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


At least 20 minutes of foreplay with him using his fingers and tongue on your ladybits, every time. This will help tremendously. (I'm a female who dates tall men who've got big penises.)

Also, Eros (amazon link)is a good quality lube. It's condom safe, a little goes a long way. They should have it at most... er... toy stores.
posted by Attackpanda at 7:35 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Yeah, speaking as a former virgin guy, the key is to be prepared to handle a broad range of emotional and physiological reactions from him. Be enthusiastic but not insistent, until you two settle into more of a comfort zone with each other. If it's really easy to get him up and running, that doesn't necessarily mean he's aroused or emotionally connected. And if he's not, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you. This early on, he may not be able to recognize that level of nuance.

The stereotype is that male sexuality is simple and straightforward, and it often is. But in those early days it's a hodgepodge of excitement and nervousness and arousal and performance anxiety and fun and neuroses, at least according to my experiences and those of my close male friends.

As the more experienced partner, you have the luxury to set the tone. If it seems like a fun, low-pressure activity to you, it'll be a fun, low-pressure activity to him and a lot more enjoyable for both of you.

And regarding the positions, I'll just echo that you want to leave yourself some measure of control. Being on top is the obvious answer, but you can also limit his range of motion (and therefore depth) using your legs in other positions. Missionary should be fine, as long as you don't let him wrap his arms under your legs which would prevent you from pushing him away if things get too deep.

Attackpanda: Also, Eros (amazon link)is a good quality lube. It's condom safe, a little goes a long way. They should have it at most... er... toy stores.

Toys Eros?

posted by Riki tiki at 12:01 AM on December 11, 2009 [1 favorite]


You can use silicone lube with condoms; it is safe as long as you do not use it with other silicone products (toys, etc.). It is also fun to use in the shower. I highly recommend this stuff.
posted by brina at 8:13 PM on December 11, 2009


Another vote for lube. Also a nice glass of wine or two, and plenty of time. I also have enjoyed the books She Comes First and He Comes Next as an easy way to talk to my partners (especially the more inexperienced) about what we both enjoy.
posted by koselig at 8:30 PM on December 11, 2009


I forgot to mention brand....depending on your sensitivities Good Clean Love has some winners.
posted by koselig at 8:43 PM on December 11, 2009


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