Obsolete? He wants it.
December 10, 2009 11:46 AM   Subscribe

Help me give my friend a thoughtful but useless piece of crap!

Ok, so my friend's very webby company is movin' on up to a sweet office in SoHo.

I'd like to get him a gift. I'd also like for it to be the most obsolete, dinosaur-est office supply item we can think of— something that we OBVIOUSLY don't use in offices anymore, and something they OBVIOUSLY can't use, because of said webby-ness. (OBVIOUS is the key word here.)

And don't just say "Stapler! Yay me!" and call it a day, pretty please! Get creative with me! Yes?
posted by functionequalsform to Society & Culture (59 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Response by poster: The response I'm really going for is, "Um, thanks. Oh wait— HAHAHA." Thoughts?
posted by functionequalsform at 11:50 AM on December 10, 2009


Extremely old slide projector. They:

1- Look awesome
2- Remind people of simpler times
3- Actually can be used for neat stuff, like projecting, or blinding people
posted by Damn That Television at 11:50 AM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


Typewriter? Or too obvious?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:51 AM on December 10, 2009


A dot matrix printer?
posted by elisebeth at 11:51 AM on December 10, 2009


?
posted by jckll at 11:52 AM on December 10, 2009


Also...

carbon paper.
Yellow pages.
Street maps.
Rolodex.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:52 AM on December 10, 2009


Vintage calculator? Some of the ones from the 70s have a nice retro look and have absolutely no useful functions beyond the basics.
posted by aabbbiee at 11:53 AM on December 10, 2009


Manual typewriter.

I saw one at a thrift store not to long ago for $10. Even if it doesn't work it would be a funny conversation piece in the office.
posted by rancidchickn at 11:53 AM on December 10, 2009


What about a mimeograph machine?

I'm presuming his office doesn't do a lot of print work, so some lead type in a wooden display trays might also be neat.
posted by runningwithscissors at 11:53 AM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


An overhead projector is a) awesome, b) not that hard to find surplus, and c) possibly useful. Bonus points for being large and awkward.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:55 AM on December 10, 2009


Seconding the mimeograph machine or overhead projector.
posted by scody at 11:56 AM on December 10, 2009


I came to suggest a mimeograph as well. This one on eBay looks somewhat presentable, as opposed to some of the obviously broken-down antiques others are selling, but the auction ends soon.
posted by Balonious Assault at 11:57 AM on December 10, 2009


a waxing machine, used to apply melted wax to the back of paper for old-school page layout?

also you can check this place out for some ideas: Museum of Forgotten Art Supplies
posted by cubby at 11:57 AM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'd say fax machine, except once in a while it's helpful to have a fax machine.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:58 AM on December 10, 2009


Lead type is pretty brilliant.
posted by peachfuzz at 12:00 PM on December 10, 2009


Don't get him just any typewriter, get him an IBM Selectric, preferably a model I.
posted by 6550 at 12:01 PM on December 10, 2009


A box of floppy disks and/or a floppy disk holder.

A big fat clunky Zip drive with parallel port.

A daisy wheel printer.

A box of printer paper that has the green lines on it and holes along the sides.
posted by dayintoday at 12:02 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


There are a few old Xerox 914 ads on eBay--artifacts relating to the first plain-paper copier to take off would be suitably retro, I think.

The Early Office Museum could also be inspiring.

Or, if you wanted to get creative, you could build a Macquarium.

(Marginally-related: this commercial for the 914. "That's right--a page from a book.")
posted by tellumo at 12:04 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Not just a normal slide rule, but a single-special-purpose slide rule or chart; something like a picture resizing wheel.
posted by nonane at 12:05 PM on December 10, 2009


A stack of computer punch cards.
posted by Eringatang at 12:06 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


A dial up modem! They can fire it up when ever they're feeling nostalgic for that screeching sound. Bonus, when they get a high school intern, (or college intern in 5 years) they probably won't even know what it is.

Also, had a hilarious conversation about Zip disks the other day. Man were those useful for about 2 months.
posted by fontophilic at 12:07 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I always think of this comic when someone expects me to have a fax machine. I know there are sometimes uses for fax machines, but there really ought not to be.

You could perhaps get him an incredibly old fax machine. There are some in my office with truly terrifying user interfaces.
posted by crinklebat at 12:07 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dual cassette answering machine
Telegraph key
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 12:08 PM on December 10, 2009


A modem. 1200 baud.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 12:09 PM on December 10, 2009


A bar?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:12 PM on December 10, 2009


An antique manual adding machine.
posted by torquemaniac at 12:14 PM on December 10, 2009


Mmmm... mimeograph...


Used fax machine. Maybe it will be useful, but it will still be annoying to hook it up.

CraigsList has a free printer/scanner/fax listed, and numerous fax machines for sale.

I suspect you want something more quirky and aesthetically interesting, though, so how about :

- a spike, for impaling receipts

- time card punch clock (we actually have one of these; they can potentially be used as a clock, too)
posted by amtho at 12:17 PM on December 10, 2009


A librarian friend of mine was able to buy a classy-looking wooden card catalog. She uses it as a dresser to store craft supplies. It looks so amazing in her apartment. Many libraries are getting rid of them or already have gotten rid of them so look around! Though may be too expensive and unwieldy...
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:19 PM on December 10, 2009


A notebook with floppy disk covers - then it's at least somewhat usable, but still funny.
posted by LolaGeek at 12:22 PM on December 10, 2009


Dictabelt!
posted by sageleaf at 12:24 PM on December 10, 2009


A check stamping machine. This one is very similar to the one my father had in his office when I was very young. I liked playing with it.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:29 PM on December 10, 2009


Magnetic tape drive! One of the old enormous ones.
posted by Wavelet at 12:31 PM on December 10, 2009


I vote for the rolodex. Completely superfluous in the age of cell phones, and yet very cool to look at/play with. It's a kinetic sculpture! Look at the flippy cards!
posted by Salieri at 12:38 PM on December 10, 2009


Interoffice mail envelopes (the big manilla ones with little To/From boxes that got crossed off as the envelope is reused).
posted by Calloused_Foot at 12:39 PM on December 10, 2009


I'm liking the old data equipment idea. How about a keypunch machine (insanely bulky), or a paper tape reader? Maybe an old clamshell disk drive? Even an old CRT terminal...
posted by nonliteral at 12:45 PM on December 10, 2009


Old adding machines
posted by davejay at 12:51 PM on December 10, 2009


A case of greenbar paper, the wider the better. Or a telex macine. (Shut up, my dad has one and actually uses it sometimes!)

Which reminds me: we also have pads of, oh, 18" by 14" that have grids and appear to be for flowcharting out code [presumably FORTRAN] before you try keying it in. Lovely stuff -- and perhaps they'd actually use it for planning their CSS or HTML 5 or whatever web people do these days
posted by wenestvedt at 12:53 PM on December 10, 2009


A stack of computer punch cards? There's someone in my office that uses his stack as note taking paper...
posted by csmason at 12:59 PM on December 10, 2009


Fax machines and faxes are still ubiquitous and, frankly, required in the legal profession. It's cute that some people think they're obsolete.

Cute as in, "isn't it cute those lawyers think this hideous obsolete technology is any better than an email or cellphone picture," or cute in some other way?

I wonder if you could find a telephone switchboard? That would be a nice addition to anyone's cubicle.
posted by ecurtz at 1:01 PM on December 10, 2009


Came to say mimeograph machine, too.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:07 PM on December 10, 2009


Retro Flip Watch!
posted by artdrectr at 1:12 PM on December 10, 2009


Microsoft web tv
posted by filmgeek at 1:13 PM on December 10, 2009


An ashtray.

One of those cool floor pedestal ashtrays.
posted by iconomy at 1:16 PM on December 10, 2009


a green eyeshade, or one of those lamps with a green shade
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:17 PM on December 10, 2009


If it were my web company (and if you have some technical skill), I think I would most enjoy either a) an old green-scale monitor or b) a dot-matrix printer hacked to display/printout live Twitter updates or something similar. Perfect blend of old and new tech. This may make the gift a bit more useful than intended, but hey it's Twitter, how useful could it be?
posted by backseatpilot at 1:24 PM on December 10, 2009


Seriously, I'd love to get a Gestetner mimeograph again. We printed our little school newsletter in the school I went to on one of those, and I still remember the smell of the ink, the resistance on the crank, and the distinctive currrkunk currrkunk as it spat out page after page of purple-inked, slightly smudgy newsletter.
posted by Shepherd at 1:29 PM on December 10, 2009


I actually use my rolodex, fax machine, and the inter-office mail system.

OTOH, the idea to give a dual cassette answering machine is genius.
posted by SLC Mom at 1:45 PM on December 10, 2009


All the above suggestions were good. I'm popping in to suggest that you find out whether your local universities have property disposition departments. Big institutions often have a sort of resale warehouse where old stuff goes to be sold on the cheap but also to recoup some of the cost. You can find all manner of weird stuff in these places; anything from a dentist's chair to an obsolete digital storage cabinet the size of a small car. They may be a good place to find whichever of these suggestions strikes your fancy (or simply go exploring for something truly weird).
posted by axiom at 2:06 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I vote for an overhead projector because it's young enough that everyone knows exactly what it is, and exactly what has replaced it. The only use I can think of for one is artistic goofing off, which could actually be fun. Also, yes, it is large, cumbersome, awkward and would look hilarious gift-wrapped.
posted by milestogo at 2:29 PM on December 10, 2009


Searching e-bay for vintage office supplies, I find stenograph machines, check imprinters, a word processor, a stamp rack, index card files, binding machines, typewriters, adding machines, and time clocks - any of which I think would be great.
posted by Dojie at 2:50 PM on December 10, 2009


Probably a bit of a challenge, but I totally think you should track down and install one of those old pneumatic tube document delivery systems for your friend in his new office.
posted by trip and a half at 3:21 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


I don't think anyone's mentioned those slidey carbon-paper credit card readers.
posted by box at 4:41 PM on December 10, 2009


How about sealing wax and a stamp. I think you can pick them up at stationary or art stores. There are also lots of choices online and it looks like you can even have custom stamps made. Also there is usually a lot of obsolete office stuff in thrift shops, look by the old notebooks also you could check in the books station for weird old office manuals.
posted by BoscosMom at 6:58 PM on December 10, 2009


Sorry, I meant section, not station.
posted by BoscosMom at 7:00 PM on December 10, 2009


Web company, eh? So they'll be burning through cash? They need a check writer. Bonus: You can make the "CHING!" sound effect as you print off that sweet, sweet fake money.

Or how about a dictaphone?
posted by Hardcore Poser at 7:52 PM on December 10, 2009


I have no idea how far away Albany is from NYC, but there is an oak card catalog up on EBay at the moment. Not too large either; I think 67" x 26" x 21" would fit in the back seat of a med. sized car. Can't miss that bit of decor.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:02 PM on December 10, 2009


Related to the modem idea, an acoustic coupler would be both retro and thematically-appropriate. Bonus absurdity points if the cups don't fit any phones in the office.

On the other hand, if they do have a handset that fits, they still work. I suppose still being able to use a peripheral made during the Vietnam War is worth no small amount of absurdity points in itself, and considerably more awesome ones to boot.
posted by tellumo at 11:41 PM on December 10, 2009


Definately recommending the old 5 1/4 inch floppy discs or the Iomega Zip Drive.
posted by saxamo at 1:20 PM on December 13, 2009


I was at KMart last night and I saw something similar to one of these, had no idea they even made them anymore. I remember making lables with them. One (click) letter (click) at (click) a (clidk) time.
posted by BoscosMom at 7:52 PM on December 13, 2009


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