My job has broken me; please help me leave.

December 9, 2009 11:15 AM

My (UK) job is intolerable, and I am on a week's sick leave for work-related anxiety. Please help me work out how to leave forever.

Sorry - this is long.

I work for a small UK manufacturer and retailer. The company I work for is pretty awful - it produces a frequently substandard product, misleads customers regarding lead times, tolerates workplace bullying, and runs slipshop over health and safety. I have been there three years - at first I thought I could help change things, but I eventually realised that not only are the problems systemic, they are top-down, and begin with the owners.

My job role has changed a number of times, but for the last year I have been responsible for customer service, on top of a full set of administrative duties. This an impossible amount of work (my work colleagues all acknowledge this) and I have been failing at it all year. It's worth mentioning that the "customer service" role mainly consists of dealing with customer complaints. Because the company frequently delivers its (fairly expensive) products late, damaged, incorrect, and/or incomplete, it generates a huge number of complaints, in the form of angry, screaming phonecalls. Because I have a full administrative job to do in addition to this, it is not physically possible for me to attend to all the calls, let alone resolve the problems. I receive virtually no support from the owners. My experience of work is that of being under seige, receiving huge amounts of verbal abuse from all directions, and having to fail my job every day.

A few months ago, another person - an employee from elsewhere in the business who has been with the company for ten years - was brought in take over part of the role. Although he arrived with a somewhat arrogant attitude (assuming that I was simply crap at my job), he too became overwhelmed by the volume and impossibility of the work. He resigned, and last week was signed off by his doctor for work-related anxiety and depression.

In the time that the other person was working with me, even more tasks were assigned to us. The role really requires three, perhaps even four people, so we were really struggling with two. Now he has left, and the owners have made no move to replace him. The owners are fully aware of the situation, but have traveled overseas without speaking with me about how I am supposed to do his job, as well as my own - when it has already been established that it's already too much for two people.

And so, the inevitable has happened, and the breakdown I have been anticipating all year has finally hit me. I have been crying, hyperventilating, and in a state of panic since Friday night. On Monday I called in sick and saw my doctor, who has given me a note and told me not to go to work this week due to work-related anxiety. She has also given me a very small amount of diazepam and put me on the (three-week long) waiting list for some talk therapy. She told me to come back next week for re-evaluation.

I have two problems:

1. I need to leave this job. Immediately. I need to somehow never set foot in that building ever again. How can I resign? The owners are both overseas - one of them returns to the UK on Friday. I am salaried (paid monthly) but have never been given a contract, I have no idea how much notice I have to give. I have given up all hope of a good reference at this point, but need to be able to put this job on my CV. Can you give me any advice on how best to leave? How can I do this legally, and with the least damage done?

2. How do I deal with the guilt and shame of leaving? The company is so understaffed that I am leaving the few staff that are left with a huge problem to deal with. Despite my having informed them of my breakdown, and doctor's note signing me off for the week, I am still getting calls from them trying me to come in to work. I feel terrible about leaving them in the lurch. I feel a failure, and a traitor. But I know I can't return. For a long time I was able to compartmentalize the stress of this job, but now I am just a total wreck.

I'm sorry this is so long; I am finding it difficult to thing straight about this issue. I would be very grateful for any guidance you can offer.

If you want to contact me privately, try [e-mail]

(Oh, and in case it matters: I will not be claiming any benefits when I leave, and the company does not give any paid sick leave [not even statutory, which I suspect is not entirely legal]. My husband will be supporting me financially, and we have some savings.)

posted by anonymous to work & money (21 comments total)

Sounds like your anxiety is coming from #2 on your bullet list there. Shame of leaving? Pfft, it's just a job. I've left a lot of them.

When you tell people about this, it will be of the form "Oh, I quit there, I'm working for X now" and they will ask about your new job. No reason to feel shame. That's ridiculous. You're working for a place so that you can live you life, not so they can do better business. The point of working is to have a life, and they are ruining yours. You're not a traitor, you're not doing anything wrong. They are.

That said, do it by email. It's less stressful. Send an email to your boss(es) and say the job is causing detrimental health issues and you are not willing to sacrifice your health. Say you are willing to stay for 2 more weeks, but you and your doctor would prefer it if you didn't. Offer to train a replacement. And offer them luck in the future and all those platitudes.
posted by phrakture at 11:26 AM on December 9, 2009

I don't know anything about UK law, but unless there's a law stating otherwise, since you don't have a contract, you should be able to simply let them know that you are medically unable to continue working, and that you are therefore resigning. They can't prevent you from putting this job on your CV; the worst they could do is give you a bad reference. On the other hand, they may do that no matter what you do, since they sound like jerks. Look up the relevant law in your jurisdiction, then proceed. You may even be able to get a note from your doctor saying that you have to resign, which might help with any residual badness.

As for feeling guilty, realize that the guilt is related to your anxiety and other bad feelings. Yes, your coworkers will be in a bad situation. But they work for a terrible company, so they're in a bad situation anyway. You didn't do this to them; the company and its managers did. They can resign too if they want to, and if they choose not to, it's not your fault. I'd write emails to anyone you're friends with and let them know that you're sorry, but that the job is affecting your health. If they care about you, they'll understand. And if they don't care about, they're not worth caring about.
posted by decathecting at 11:30 AM on December 9, 2009

2. How do I deal with the guilt and shame of leaving?

It will go away in a few days after quitting.
posted by delmoi at 11:31 AM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm so sorry for you. I understand completely what you are going through.

First, you have to take care of yourself. Don't answer the phone all week. You need the rest. Please try not to think about work. I know that is hard, but please try. I have been in a situation similar to yours, but not as bad. Memail me if you want someone to talk to.

I don't know anything about the labor laws in the UK. I don't know if you need to give notice. I wish I could be more help.
posted by TooFewShoes at 11:31 AM on December 9, 2009

Can't return. Health reasons. Doc's orders.

(And I cannot imagine him NOT giving you those orders, frankly. I have been in a similar situation in the past-altho not nearly as bad as yours-and I DID have a breakdown. You need to get out.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:32 AM on December 9, 2009

How do I deal with the guilt and shame of leaving? The company is so understaffed that I am leaving the few staff that are left with a huge problem to deal with.

They know where the door is - you're not doing anyone a favor by staying.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:33 AM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Shitty manager, why should you suffer a breakdown?

Unlike the United States, the UK has strict laws in place to prevent this type of exploitation; I suspect this is close to Constructive Dismissal, and would clearly state the same to your employer, in writing. This would serve as a fair warning.

At the same time approach Citizens Advice for their advise on how to play the situation.

I'm a Manager (banking) working in the UK and this sort of crap makes my blood boil. Its exploitation, pure and simple and I'd take them to the cleaners for it.
posted by Mutant at 11:34 AM on December 9, 2009 [9 favorites]

Oh I should mention I'm by no means a Solicitor, but I've managed large teams (close to 200 people) in the UK for the past thirteen years, and had to sit through innumerable HR and Employment Law seminars. I'd be surprised if there wasn't some degree of exposure on your employers part here.

I'll just say no reputable company would pull this crap.

email if I can be of further help. All the best!
posted by Mutant at 11:37 AM on December 9, 2009

When I said try not to think about work, I meant try not to stress about leaving your co-workers. I should have been more clear. Look up your local laws, write a resignation email, and then try to focus on your health.

If you can get away (legally) with quitting outright, I don't recommend giving notice. If the workplace is as bad as it seems those two weeks could be hellish. Cite your health and say you will be sending your husband to collect your personal property and that they can mail you your last paycheck. Your co-workers will cope, or they too will leave. You have to take care of yourself. It is not your fault that you broke down. That other guy did your job for a few months and lost it, you hung in for years. I applaud you for having the guts to leave.
posted by TooFewShoes at 11:39 AM on December 9, 2009

How do I deal with the guilt and shame of leaving?

You have Stockholm Syndrome. There is no guilt and shame in leaving. No job is worth this, you don't owe your coworkers anything except sympathy. Your employers? Fuck them. Send an email saying you are gone effective immediately, and print it out and send one by registered mail. I can't actually recommend that you also take a big steaming dump on one of their desks, but I encourage you to visualize it.

You are in an abusive relationship, and it is now taking a toll on your health. You owe them NOTHING. Go.

You will feel better about this within a week or so of leaving, once you've gotten some rest and relief. That week doesn't start until you pull the plug, so the longer you wait the longer it will be before you begin to recover.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:47 AM on December 9, 2009 [4 favorites]

1. I've worked in HR in the past, and you're not going to get into any legal problems by just walking out - it happens all the time, and employers have little recourse, especially if you have no contract. Write a letter saying that you've been medically signed off from work until the end of the week, and that you shan't be returning the following Monday. They won't continue paying you, obviously, but they can't refuse to pay you for work already done (that's completely illegal). The most that might occur is if you have holiday entitlement remaining they will keep you officially employed but "on holiday" until it's used up.

As for references, they can't refuse to acknowledge you worked there in job X for period Y, but if they choose to supply only the fact that you worked there, then other HR departments will take it as a bad sign when receiving references. The company will also supply a "reasons for leaving", which to them is that you just walked out, so you'll have to be able to explain in better terms. If you're not worried about how this reference is going look, then don't worry at all, especially if you have other potential referees.

You might also want to look into Mutant's suggestion, as not only will this help you morally, but it will also explain your reasons for leaving to future employers. But look into it now before quitting, as you might be better off giving your reasons fully in your letter than attempting to claim it later.

2. Shame? You didn't create the mess, you're the victim of it. Anybody working there probably knows that already, as they're the victims of it too.
posted by Sova at 12:00 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

My attitude would be that I would want to show up and do virtually nothing until the owners came back and were there for me to hand a letter of resignation to. In other words, milk them for every drop of pay that you can before cutting out on them. But, that's just my view.

Seriously, if you need to leave, leave. There are more important things here, and you will be able to get back into the workforce, doing something less horrible.
posted by Citrus at 12:13 PM on December 9, 2009

Depression sucks. 1 in 6 people in the UK will have a mental health issue at some point in their lives, but only 1 in 4 of those seek help. Work related stress for extended periods often leads to depression, and you have work stress in spades. This is *not your fault*. You have already taken the two most important steps; recognising you have a problem at work, and seeking help in dealing with it.

Talking to your GP is good. They may also be able to give you a longer prescription for anti-depressants assuming the stress is ongoing, and they should be willing to sign you off until you are able to function again; certainly until after you've seen progress from the therapy (which will probably be CBT). I would also talk to the citizens advice bureau; they will have seen this before, be able to give you good advice, and put you in contract with an employment law solicitor should you decide to seek redress against this abusive employer.

Also; don't hesitate to talk to your husband about this, and what you're feeling. It's good for you, and it'll be easier for him when you're opening up to him about what you're feeling. He may also want to talk to your GP, who will be able to advise him how to help you. This advice comes from my wife, who's been helping me with my work-stress related depression.

1) Resign by email or letter to the office, stating the reason for it - you may want help from the CAB or a solicitor in writing it if you're concerned about future impact on your career. Otherwise, simply be plain, direct and polite. With no written contract of employment, the standard statutory notice period you have to give them is 1 week, and even that doesn't always apply. Write the letter, get signed off by your doctor for work related stress for that week, and you're done.

That said; you are entitled to one weeks notice, plus one week per year of service if they fire you, i.e. they have to give you 4 weeks notice when firing you - and you should get paid for that 4 weeks. So option B is get signed off by your doctor for work related stress (probably getting paid Statutory sick pay only at £79.15 pw), give the owners the choice in writing of reforming your work conditions to something sane, and stay signed off work in the meantime - and when they refuse and fire you, you should get your full notice pay without having to return. You'd also have a decent chance IMO of claiming for constructive dismissal at an employment tribunal - your employers have a duty of care to provide a safe work environment, and requiring you to do the work of 3 people does not meet that duty, again IMO.

2) You have to look after your own wellbeing. Massive guilt is a common thing with depression; in fact, that guilt over trying and failing to do the impossible is one of the triggers of depression. You are only human. You can only do so much. You've been doing far more than is sane or safe for a long period, and your *employers* are at fault for putting you in that situation, and for the plight of your colleagues. I'll say that again. You are not at fault here. You have not failed them; your employers have failed *you*. You're only human and trying to perform at an inhuman level only lasts so long before you crack. Trust me, I understand. (There's also some good advice there)

It sucks for your work colleagues, but the best thing you can do for them and yourself is not to put yourself back in that situation - like trying to walk on a broken leg, doing so will only make it worse in the long run. If your colleagues have any sense, they too will sprint for the exit from this company - but it's not your responsibility to look after your colleagues. Your first and foremost duty, including under the law, is to look after your own safety and wellbeing.

With regards sick leave; IIRC the company does not legally need to provide any over and above statutory sick leave, i.e. you get paid the SSP, but they are not required to pay you when you're off sick. However, you are entitled to a minimum of 4 weeks paid annual leave, so if you have any left you may wish to burn through that prior to resigning.

You're doing the right thing here. Best of luck - and with help, things *will* improve from the crappy place you're in now.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:16 PM on December 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

2. How do I deal with the guilt and shame of leaving? The company is so understaffed that I am leaving the few staff that are left with a huge problem to deal with. Despite my having informed them of my breakdown, and doctor's note signing me off for the week, I am still getting calls from them trying me to come in to work. I feel terrible about leaving them in the lurch. I feel a failure, and a traitor. But I know I can't return. For a long time I was able to compartmentalize the stress of this job, but now I am just a total wreck.

You need to tell yourself that you didn't create this mess, the owners did. For as bad as you might feel about leaving the others behind with the mess, its not your mess and its not your fault. You did everything in your power to change things for the better and you stayed on longer than most would have, as evidenced by the person who was supposed to help you but left.

As others have said, the shame and guilt will go away shortly after you realize you're done, you never have to deal with that again. Ever.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 1:10 PM on December 9, 2009

I will not be claiming any benefits when I leave, and the company does not give any paid sick leave [not even statutory, which I suspect is not entirely legal]. My husband will be supporting me financially, and we have some savings.

If you are signed off sick and not entitled to SSP, and have the right National Insurance contrbutions (which you should, given your employment history), then you are entitled to claim sickness benefit (Employment and Support Allowance, ESA) at a fixed weekly rate. This is regardless of your savings or husband's income. Not that sticking on ESA is straightforward, mind. While you are doing nothing (not earning, not signing on, not claiming sickness benefit), you will have a gap in your NI record which may reduce your future State Pension and also affect some other possible future benefit claims. However, until your employment contract ends you should be getting SSP, not ESA. HMRC should be interested in employers who refuse to pay SSP as that is certainly illegal.

While you're off sick, you should not be doing anything work-related beyond keeping in reasonable touch to let work know what's happening (work done by employees off sick may even cause insurance liability issues for the employer). If they want you to do work when you're signed off with work-related stress, they should first arrange for a second medical opinion saying you're fit to work. Until that happens, don't let them over-ride your GP's medical opinion.

You could consider the route of claiming constructive unfair dismissal in the Employment Tribunal, but bear in mind it is likely to be hugely stressful, with no guarantee of a payout let alone a reference. The first step is generally not resigning, it is raising a grievance and explaining what you want them to do to rectify the situation. Claiming unpaid sick pay should be a much more straightforward claim to bring in Tribunal. There's generally a 3 month time limit for bringing tribunal claims, though you might be able to claim SSP up to 6 months later, contact HMRC about that. ACAS have a helpline for this sort of thing (0845 7474747).

Bear in mind, you can just do nothing as long as you get the sick notes ... stay off sick until they decide to fire you (and risk you retaliating with a tribunal claim), or until you find something else.
posted by wilko at 1:36 PM on December 9, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also, seconding previous advice about taking your holiday entitlement if you can. You may find your employer won't let you take paid holiday while you're off sick, in which case you claim any accrued holiday pay when you leave. Like unpaid SSP, that should be a straightforward money claim based on statutory entitlement.
posted by wilko at 1:58 PM on December 9, 2009

Seriously, Mutant is right. What you describe sounds (in my inexpert opinion) to be constructive dismissal. Tomorrow, make an appointment with your local Citizens Advice Bureau and get their advice. I'd seriously encourage you to do this before doing anything else.
posted by prentiz at 3:17 PM on December 9, 2009

You are going to feel so good when you are out of there. I promise you that before the new year, you will feel like a whole new fresh human being.
posted by Sallyfur at 9:32 PM on December 9, 2009

This sounds kind of familiar (someone very close to me was in a similar situation). People will try to guilt-trip you into working when it's not in your best interests by claiming that your colleagues (some of whom you, quite naturally, like and don't want to hurt) will suffer because of your absence. This is the source of the guilt you mention in #2. As others have pointed out, this will disappear when you leave, so do it ASAP.

Good luck.
posted by primer_dimer at 4:17 AM on December 10, 2009

Leave. Right away. You owe them nothing. Forget feeling ashamed, you ought to be feeling angry. Seconding Wilco's suggestion of contacting ACAS about the SSP. There'a a lot more info about your rights at worksmart. Chin Up!
posted by col at 4:56 AM on December 10, 2009

Citizens Advice are definitely the people to talk to. (I used to work with people who ran an employment-law helpline; they couldn't usually help individuals because it was a subscription service aimed at companies, but they'd always refer individuals to Citizens Advice).

Good luck, as others have said, things will improve when you get out of there.
posted by Infinite Jest at 5:03 AM on December 10, 2009