Is it stupid to break up friendships over boys?
December 5, 2009 9:38 AM Subscribe
Broken heart / long story filter. My best friend and my love interest got together, though they both knew of my feelings. My friend wants my forgiveness, but I'm still pissed. She was my confidante and I trusted her. Now I don't think I can trust her again, and I have fantasies about her getting her heart broken. How can I move on from this? Should I let them back in my life?
Okay, I’ve tried to keep this as brief as possible. We were living in a communal situation (a la “The Real World), I had recently gotten physical with this boy and told him how I felt (he demurred, saying that while he loved me, he wasn’t ready to have romantic feelings after a bad break-up). My friend had been my confidante, and we had known each other for years (she was the one that urged me to tell him how I felt). I knew that I didn’t trust this boy with my romantic feelings (since we had been close friends for a while I saw how he was a big flirt and kind of led people along, but still, nothing like first-hand experience).
I realize that these things happen to people. I hope that they break each other’s heart, honestly. But I guess my question is what I should do about my best friend. My gut reaction is to exorcise her from my life, but I realize that people mistakes and especially in romance. Still, I guess what really bothers me about the situation is that she would hang out with us, I would notice the boy and her flirting, and I felt silly for thinking something was happening, since I had just told the boy how I felt. Finally, when I confronted her, she told me the truth – that they had confessed their feelings. She promised me that nothing would happen, that our friendship was more important than the boy. Not more than twelve hours later, she revealed they had kissed. She said that she couldn’t stay away from him, and they proceeded to start hanging out constantly, in the place where I lived, without much respect for me. Meanwhile she was still trying to talk to me and was crying and upset that I was pissed. I really really tried to be magnanamious, but I would see them together (all the time, since this was a communal situation) and I would get really mad. So eventually we went our separate ways. Since then, they continue to date, and I continue to be confused.
She’s sent me a few e-mails, but they kinda made me more angry. She said that she continued to hang out with him because she was “drawn to happiness and joy in her life, and couldn’t take sorrow and frustration”. And that she wished I was part of her family, etc.
Should I give the girl another chance in my life? Or is it okay to just leave her out of my life for a while? How do I get rid of the terrible feelings I have about them? I am happy to hear any philosophical, psychological, or otherwise abstract answers in the realm of people and relationships.
Okay, I’ve tried to keep this as brief as possible. We were living in a communal situation (a la “The Real World), I had recently gotten physical with this boy and told him how I felt (he demurred, saying that while he loved me, he wasn’t ready to have romantic feelings after a bad break-up). My friend had been my confidante, and we had known each other for years (she was the one that urged me to tell him how I felt). I knew that I didn’t trust this boy with my romantic feelings (since we had been close friends for a while I saw how he was a big flirt and kind of led people along, but still, nothing like first-hand experience).
I realize that these things happen to people. I hope that they break each other’s heart, honestly. But I guess my question is what I should do about my best friend. My gut reaction is to exorcise her from my life, but I realize that people mistakes and especially in romance. Still, I guess what really bothers me about the situation is that she would hang out with us, I would notice the boy and her flirting, and I felt silly for thinking something was happening, since I had just told the boy how I felt. Finally, when I confronted her, she told me the truth – that they had confessed their feelings. She promised me that nothing would happen, that our friendship was more important than the boy. Not more than twelve hours later, she revealed they had kissed. She said that she couldn’t stay away from him, and they proceeded to start hanging out constantly, in the place where I lived, without much respect for me. Meanwhile she was still trying to talk to me and was crying and upset that I was pissed. I really really tried to be magnanamious, but I would see them together (all the time, since this was a communal situation) and I would get really mad. So eventually we went our separate ways. Since then, they continue to date, and I continue to be confused.
She’s sent me a few e-mails, but they kinda made me more angry. She said that she continued to hang out with him because she was “drawn to happiness and joy in her life, and couldn’t take sorrow and frustration”. And that she wished I was part of her family, etc.
Should I give the girl another chance in my life? Or is it okay to just leave her out of my life for a while? How do I get rid of the terrible feelings I have about them? I am happy to hear any philosophical, psychological, or otherwise abstract answers in the realm of people and relationships.
Or is it okay to just leave her out of my life for a while?
Absolutely. You should try to forgive her, for your own good, but don't fake it. Be patient with yourself; wait until you can do it genuinely. Let yourself grieve the loss of trust.
As to repairing the friendship, that's not going to happen unless she cares enough about you to stop pleading and making excuses, and to respect your feelings. As long as she'd rather sweep your pain under the rug, friendship isn't on the table.
posted by jon1270 at 9:52 AM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Absolutely. You should try to forgive her, for your own good, but don't fake it. Be patient with yourself; wait until you can do it genuinely. Let yourself grieve the loss of trust.
As to repairing the friendship, that's not going to happen unless she cares enough about you to stop pleading and making excuses, and to respect your feelings. As long as she'd rather sweep your pain under the rug, friendship isn't on the table.
posted by jon1270 at 9:52 AM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
You would certainly be within your rights to dump her as a friend. She has broken the rules of friendship by dating a guy you weren't finished with.
You could also chalk it up to chemistry. You didn't have it with the guy, your best friend did, and now they're together and happy. After all, the guy already turned you down, so it's not like she "stole" him from you.
For me it would depend a lot on how serious your best friend and the guy are. If they wind up going out for the next two years, then it was probably meant to be and there's nothing you could do about it. If it's just a fling, then maybe she's not someone you can trust, because she puts her own pleasure ahead of your pain.
My advice? Back off from your friend for a little while. Tell her while you're happy for her, and you'd like to keep her as a friend, you need to get over the guy, and until then, it's going to hurt too much to see the two of them together. And then go hang out with some other people for a while, and see how strongly you still feel.
The communal living arrangements aren't going to help, though, so you might reasonable ask your friend to keep her new relationship out of your face, and if she's not willing to do that, then she really has no class or empathy and you might want to get another friend.
posted by musofire at 9:52 AM on December 5, 2009
You could also chalk it up to chemistry. You didn't have it with the guy, your best friend did, and now they're together and happy. After all, the guy already turned you down, so it's not like she "stole" him from you.
For me it would depend a lot on how serious your best friend and the guy are. If they wind up going out for the next two years, then it was probably meant to be and there's nothing you could do about it. If it's just a fling, then maybe she's not someone you can trust, because she puts her own pleasure ahead of your pain.
My advice? Back off from your friend for a little while. Tell her while you're happy for her, and you'd like to keep her as a friend, you need to get over the guy, and until then, it's going to hurt too much to see the two of them together. And then go hang out with some other people for a while, and see how strongly you still feel.
The communal living arrangements aren't going to help, though, so you might reasonable ask your friend to keep her new relationship out of your face, and if she's not willing to do that, then she really has no class or empathy and you might want to get another friend.
posted by musofire at 9:52 AM on December 5, 2009
She knew you had a crush on him, yet went ahead and got it on with him and on top of that, rubbed your nose in it?
DTMFFriendA.
This wasn't a mistake. This was deliberate.
Keep away from them both, at least until the feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness subside. There's no way to make those go away any faster. You can make them last longer by continually seeing them together, imagining them together, etc. But there's no real practical solution to stopping this from hurting. There are no painkillers for emotions.
What you can do is distract yourself a lot. Find a new hobby, a new place to hang out, a new group of friends, etc. Shunt her emails to another folder where they're hidden, unfriend them on Facebook and remove their numbers from your phone book. Cut them off for a while, and then look for something to fill the gap with. And if you have a bad day, allow that. The next day, pick up your knitting (or whatever your new hobby is) and continue with it. You're allowed to feel pain over this, but you aren't allowed to wallow in it. Just give it time.
posted by Solomon at 9:55 AM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
DTMFFriendA.
This wasn't a mistake. This was deliberate.
Keep away from them both, at least until the feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness subside. There's no way to make those go away any faster. You can make them last longer by continually seeing them together, imagining them together, etc. But there's no real practical solution to stopping this from hurting. There are no painkillers for emotions.
What you can do is distract yourself a lot. Find a new hobby, a new place to hang out, a new group of friends, etc. Shunt her emails to another folder where they're hidden, unfriend them on Facebook and remove their numbers from your phone book. Cut them off for a while, and then look for something to fill the gap with. And if you have a bad day, allow that. The next day, pick up your knitting (or whatever your new hobby is) and continue with it. You're allowed to feel pain over this, but you aren't allowed to wallow in it. Just give it time.
posted by Solomon at 9:55 AM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this is not your friend anymore.
In other circumstances, I would say it's not her fault because these things happen by random chemistry... but the way she handled it, and seems to be treated it like a casual, no-big-deal sort of thing... not cool. She could have slowed it down, at the very least, and probably stopped it. If the guy was that important, she could have moved out, or he could have.
If they end up getting married next week I might reconsider, but from your report of their behavior, I don't think the feelings the two of them have are serious enough to be worth trashing your friendship for. Sounds more like they're just both being selfish.
You should probably start thinking about moving out now. The odds of this resolving into three amicable roommates seem really, really long to me.
posted by rokusan at 10:00 AM on December 5, 2009
In other circumstances, I would say it's not her fault because these things happen by random chemistry... but the way she handled it, and seems to be treated it like a casual, no-big-deal sort of thing... not cool. She could have slowed it down, at the very least, and probably stopped it. If the guy was that important, she could have moved out, or he could have.
If they end up getting married next week I might reconsider, but from your report of their behavior, I don't think the feelings the two of them have are serious enough to be worth trashing your friendship for. Sounds more like they're just both being selfish.
You should probably start thinking about moving out now. The odds of this resolving into three amicable roommates seem really, really long to me.
posted by rokusan at 10:00 AM on December 5, 2009
Is it stupid to break up friendships over boys?
Just like how every boy-or-girlfriend isn't going to be a good influence for you ... every friend you have isn't necessarily good for you. However, remember that that idea needs moderation, too. If you don't put up with some shit from everybody, eventually you will be alone.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 10:04 AM on December 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
Just like how every boy-or-girlfriend isn't going to be a good influence for you ... every friend you have isn't necessarily good for you. However, remember that that idea needs moderation, too. If you don't put up with some shit from everybody, eventually you will be alone.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 10:04 AM on December 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
Don't resent your friend for falling for the guy or vice-versa. No one chooses who they fall for, or who they have chemistry with.
That being said, she needs to back off! You have every right to be upset and need your space to get over it. She can't have it all, it's not like her saying she's sorry will erase all the feelings you had for the guy and the betrayal you felt. These things take time to sink in/heal. There's nothing wrong in giving yourself some space from her.
Email her that you need your space and that you need time to heal. Plus, even though it was not intentional, she still hurt you. She hurt you a lot. You feel betrayed. As much as you would love to partake in her happiness, the pain that she caused you just won't allow you to do so at this time. And since she was the one who caused such a wound, would she please be gracious enough to allow you the time to heal.
Eventually (hopefully) it won't hurt anymore and the two of them together won't bother you; and you can hang out again, if you so choose.
posted by Neekee at 10:09 AM on December 5, 2009
That being said, she needs to back off! You have every right to be upset and need your space to get over it. She can't have it all, it's not like her saying she's sorry will erase all the feelings you had for the guy and the betrayal you felt. These things take time to sink in/heal. There's nothing wrong in giving yourself some space from her.
Email her that you need your space and that you need time to heal. Plus, even though it was not intentional, she still hurt you. She hurt you a lot. You feel betrayed. As much as you would love to partake in her happiness, the pain that she caused you just won't allow you to do so at this time. And since she was the one who caused such a wound, would she please be gracious enough to allow you the time to heal.
Eventually (hopefully) it won't hurt anymore and the two of them together won't bother you; and you can hang out again, if you so choose.
posted by Neekee at 10:09 AM on December 5, 2009
I was in a situation where all I could do is walk away. My focus of affection wanted to be friends and for me to hang with her new boyfriend and I couldn't do it. Bad feelings existed for a while but we all moved on and things are OK now.
She and I don't hang out but we are now friends on Facebook.
posted by zzazazz at 10:12 AM on December 5, 2009
She and I don't hang out but we are now friends on Facebook.
posted by zzazazz at 10:12 AM on December 5, 2009
I had a "friend" do this to me. She, myself and the guy I had a mad crush on were heading out on what would eventually turn out to be a 3 month road trip. I told her how I felt about the guy and she hooked up with him within a day. (she was older and knew how to get what she wanted). I spent 3 months in a VW bus with these people. Needless to say, I never spoke to either of them again after that trip.
Over a decade later, I found myself on the other end. My best friend asked me to back off from the guy she was in love with and that I was also really interested in. I chose my friend - she's now living with the guy and we are all better friends than ever. This girl is not your friend. DTMBOTHOFTHEM - you deserve better.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:19 AM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Over a decade later, I found myself on the other end. My best friend asked me to back off from the guy she was in love with and that I was also really interested in. I chose my friend - she's now living with the guy and we are all better friends than ever. This girl is not your friend. DTMBOTHOFTHEM - you deserve better.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:19 AM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yes, it is totally ok to leave her out of your life for awhile, or forever.
You have to decide what your personal rules are - is it ok for a friend to date a guy you were involved with/have feelings for? If it's not, then goodbye. If the answer is, yes, but it depends on ____, _____ and _____ , then you have to figure out what conditions apply.
Yes, things happen and chemistry is a bitch - but there are tons of other men out there, and most of the time, the new relationship doesn't work out. She choose romance over friendship, and now she feels guilty and wants you to forgive her.
I always think, in situations like this - if my friend isn't going to want to be there for me after things don't work out with the guy, then the guy better be Mr. Happily Ever After.
As for healing those terrible feelings, all I can suggest is getting all those feelings out on paper, write them letters (but don't send them!) and cry. Figure out exactly why this makes you feel so shitty. It sucks, but it´s the only way to get past this, is by going through it. Then, when exploring how you feel starts to get old, it's time to let go, and you can let go by forgiving them. Google forgiving exercises/meditations, etc. it's not as easy as we think - also most people tend to think forgiving means "what you did is ok and you have permission to do it again" when it really means "I accept you and the thing you did, we were both doing the best we could, and that´s all that could be done at the moment, so I don't have to feel bad about this anymore."
Good luck, decide what your rules are, stick to them, adjust them on a case-to-case basis, depending on what makes YOU feel good.
posted by Locochona at 10:21 AM on December 5, 2009
You have to decide what your personal rules are - is it ok for a friend to date a guy you were involved with/have feelings for? If it's not, then goodbye. If the answer is, yes, but it depends on ____, _____ and _____ , then you have to figure out what conditions apply.
Yes, things happen and chemistry is a bitch - but there are tons of other men out there, and most of the time, the new relationship doesn't work out. She choose romance over friendship, and now she feels guilty and wants you to forgive her.
I always think, in situations like this - if my friend isn't going to want to be there for me after things don't work out with the guy, then the guy better be Mr. Happily Ever After.
As for healing those terrible feelings, all I can suggest is getting all those feelings out on paper, write them letters (but don't send them!) and cry. Figure out exactly why this makes you feel so shitty. It sucks, but it´s the only way to get past this, is by going through it. Then, when exploring how you feel starts to get old, it's time to let go, and you can let go by forgiving them. Google forgiving exercises/meditations, etc. it's not as easy as we think - also most people tend to think forgiving means "what you did is ok and you have permission to do it again" when it really means "I accept you and the thing you did, we were both doing the best we could, and that´s all that could be done at the moment, so I don't have to feel bad about this anymore."
Good luck, decide what your rules are, stick to them, adjust them on a case-to-case basis, depending on what makes YOU feel good.
posted by Locochona at 10:21 AM on December 5, 2009
She wants to have both the boy and you, and she can't. kathrineg is dead right about how your pain and resentment has heightened the titillation factor, and as soon as you calmly and non-dramatically back off, that excitement will dissipate. I'm not saying you should do so to exact revenge, but you need to remove yourself from a love triangle where you're not getting any pleasure or respect.
You don't really know what sort of details surround this event. You don't know if your friend and the boy fell head over heels for each other despite their best intentions, or if the boy was suddenly more attractive to your friend because you wanted him. At this point it doesn't really matter, because she's chosen the guy over you. Fine. Let them both go. Because if the girl fell for the guy due to feelings beyond her control, she still should have given you both space and empathy for your situation. Instead, she's guilting you to forgive her so she doesn't have to feel like a horrible friend.
Step away, and move out if you can. No tears, no accusations, no snooty cold shoulder. Hang out with people outside the household. They're out of your life starting right now.
posted by zoomorphic at 10:25 AM on December 5, 2009
You don't really know what sort of details surround this event. You don't know if your friend and the boy fell head over heels for each other despite their best intentions, or if the boy was suddenly more attractive to your friend because you wanted him. At this point it doesn't really matter, because she's chosen the guy over you. Fine. Let them both go. Because if the girl fell for the guy due to feelings beyond her control, she still should have given you both space and empathy for your situation. Instead, she's guilting you to forgive her so she doesn't have to feel like a horrible friend.
Step away, and move out if you can. No tears, no accusations, no snooty cold shoulder. Hang out with people outside the household. They're out of your life starting right now.
posted by zoomorphic at 10:25 AM on December 5, 2009
tell her you need some space away from this mess. then take some time and when you're not hurt by the boy anymore, re-examine your friendship with the girl with fresh eyes. it probably won't be a hard decision then.
posted by anthropomorphic at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2009
posted by anthropomorphic at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2009
Is it stupid to break up friendships over boys?
Yes, your friend was stupid to ditch you as a friend for a guy. She made her choice.
You aren't ditching her over a boy. You're ditching her for being a backstabbing bitch. Backstabbing bitchiness is a great reason to get rid of someone.
posted by 26.2 at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2009 [13 favorites]
Yes, your friend was stupid to ditch you as a friend for a guy. She made her choice.
You aren't ditching her over a boy. You're ditching her for being a backstabbing bitch. Backstabbing bitchiness is a great reason to get rid of someone.
posted by 26.2 at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2009 [13 favorites]
Dump her, not so much because she betrayed you (which can be forgivable if you want), but because you need to move on.
posted by rikschell at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2009
posted by rikschell at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2009
The guy sounds like a dirtbag and a player. He probably isn't worth your angst. I know it is hard, but you are probably better off. At least your heart is wounded when you don't have too much invested in him.
Your best friend did not act like a friend. A 'friend' would not have proceeded with the guy right in your face, a 'best friend' would not have a relationship with the guy at all. Maybe if it was months later and you were totally over him, but not 12 hours after.
I agree you need distance from this person. Tell her that you are working on forgiving her, but in the meantime you want her to leave you alone. Stay away from the guy.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:51 AM on December 5, 2009
Your best friend did not act like a friend. A 'friend' would not have proceeded with the guy right in your face, a 'best friend' would not have a relationship with the guy at all. Maybe if it was months later and you were totally over him, but not 12 hours after.
I agree you need distance from this person. Tell her that you are working on forgiving her, but in the meantime you want her to leave you alone. Stay away from the guy.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:51 AM on December 5, 2009
If she were a true friend, if she cared one iota about your feelings and your friendship, she would have gone to you and talked to you honestly about her developing feelings for him. Not to ask permission of course, because no one had dibs. But to let you know what was going on and to let you know that she didn't want this to hurt you, and see what she could do to make it as easy as possible on you. She's totally inconsiderate. (And so is he.) On top of all this, they're not even giving you the courtesy of being discreet about it in a place where you live and see them regularly? They are basically saying to you, "Tough shit, we're gonna do what we want." Maybe you can't resent her completely for falling for the guy - this is not something that can be helped. But it was handled very poorly, and without any regard for you.
Your friendship is obviously not more important to her than the boy. She seems to care more about not having you be angry with her, which means nothing. With friends like her, who needs enemies? Seriously. She's doing whatever it is makes HER feel good and so should you. Your friend doesn't need "sorrow and frustration?" Well, neither do you.
Take time for yourself away from both of them, extricate from the situation if you can, and certainly don't remain friends with her. She wasn't a true friend in the first place.
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 11:01 AM on December 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
Your friendship is obviously not more important to her than the boy. She seems to care more about not having you be angry with her, which means nothing. With friends like her, who needs enemies? Seriously. She's doing whatever it is makes HER feel good and so should you. Your friend doesn't need "sorrow and frustration?" Well, neither do you.
Take time for yourself away from both of them, extricate from the situation if you can, and certainly don't remain friends with her. She wasn't a true friend in the first place.
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 11:01 AM on December 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
is it okay to just leave her out of my life for a while?
Of course! I agree with the above comment that no one has "dibs." This isn't about a man being "off-limits"* because you liked him. It's about your friend actively ignoring your feelings in a way she had to have known would be hurtful to you: she encouraged you to tell this man how you felt, she knew all about your experience with him. To flirt with him in front of you, and to become involved with him without being upfront with you was trashy and unkind behavior on her part. You don't need the stress of being friends with someone who actively ignores your feelings.
The terrible feelings will dissipate with time and distance. Don't waste your energy hoping bad things will happen to them. If at all possible, move out of this shared living situation (or at least find a volunteering/club/job/class distraction to keep you out of the house).
*Though it does, of course, increase the likelihood of drama if someone chooses to date a person she knows her friend was interested in or involved with.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:29 AM on December 5, 2009
Of course! I agree with the above comment that no one has "dibs." This isn't about a man being "off-limits"* because you liked him. It's about your friend actively ignoring your feelings in a way she had to have known would be hurtful to you: she encouraged you to tell this man how you felt, she knew all about your experience with him. To flirt with him in front of you, and to become involved with him without being upfront with you was trashy and unkind behavior on her part. You don't need the stress of being friends with someone who actively ignores your feelings.
The terrible feelings will dissipate with time and distance. Don't waste your energy hoping bad things will happen to them. If at all possible, move out of this shared living situation (or at least find a volunteering/club/job/class distraction to keep you out of the house).
*Though it does, of course, increase the likelihood of drama if someone chooses to date a person she knows her friend was interested in or involved with.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:29 AM on December 5, 2009
You need to cut people like that out of your life. They are not your friend. Move out. There's always another person to date, so if someone can't keep it in their pants, then they aren't your friend.
Imagine boy drops out, you become friends again. For years you are friends. You both get married and she starts to develop feelings for your husband . . .
My best friend noticed a girl and pointed her out to me. He expressed strong attraction for her. When they first chatted, she was with someone and didn't return his affections. Sometime later I met her alone and thought I noticed a spark. A few weeks later, he randomly met her in the same bar and called me for wingman duties. When I got there I sat next to her. While we were all chatting she put her hands on my leg. She was exactly my type. She started flirting with me a bunch.
I was sorely attacted to her and I went to the bathroom. I came back and people were rearranged. I made sure not to flirt.
Nothing happened more. The next time we hung out I made sure not to flirt.
They've been together two years now. The momentary feekings of attraction quickly faded. It worked out fine. Love is fleeting, friendship is based on trust. People who prioritize their sexual gratification over deeper bonds are not to be trusted. Whether or not you one thinks its "fair play," it is not to your advantage to hang out with such people.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:33 AM on December 5, 2009 [7 favorites]
Imagine boy drops out, you become friends again. For years you are friends. You both get married and she starts to develop feelings for your husband . . .
My best friend noticed a girl and pointed her out to me. He expressed strong attraction for her. When they first chatted, she was with someone and didn't return his affections. Sometime later I met her alone and thought I noticed a spark. A few weeks later, he randomly met her in the same bar and called me for wingman duties. When I got there I sat next to her. While we were all chatting she put her hands on my leg. She was exactly my type. She started flirting with me a bunch.
I was sorely attacted to her and I went to the bathroom. I came back and people were rearranged. I made sure not to flirt.
Nothing happened more. The next time we hung out I made sure not to flirt.
They've been together two years now. The momentary feekings of attraction quickly faded. It worked out fine. Love is fleeting, friendship is based on trust. People who prioritize their sexual gratification over deeper bonds are not to be trusted. Whether or not you one thinks its "fair play," it is not to your advantage to hang out with such people.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:33 AM on December 5, 2009 [7 favorites]
“drawn to happiness and joy in her life, and couldn’t take sorrow and frustration”.
I would turn this back around to her, and tell her that you are too. And right now, you're looking for happiness and joy elsewhere with other friends, and that she's the person who has brought you sorrow and frustration. Move on, even if it's just for a little bit, and get over both of them. Not saying you can't be friends with one or both of them in the future, but right now, you don't need either of them.
posted by librarianamy at 11:53 AM on December 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
I would turn this back around to her, and tell her that you are too. And right now, you're looking for happiness and joy elsewhere with other friends, and that she's the person who has brought you sorrow and frustration. Move on, even if it's just for a little bit, and get over both of them. Not saying you can't be friends with one or both of them in the future, but right now, you don't need either of them.
posted by librarianamy at 11:53 AM on December 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
So, once upon a time a girl was walking on a path when she came upon a snake which was too cold to move. The snake asked the girl to take it inside her jacket next to her skin where it could warm up. The girl said, "But, you'll bite me and I'll die." The snake said, "I promise, I won't bite you, I just want to get warm." So the girl picked up the snake and put it inside her jacket. When the snake warmed up, it bit her. As the girl lay dying, she asked the snake why it had bitten her after its promise. The snake said, "I'm a snake. It's what I do."
Stay away from your "friend" until she gets herself defanged.
posted by eleslie at 5:25 PM on December 5, 2009
Stay away from your "friend" until she gets herself defanged.
posted by eleslie at 5:25 PM on December 5, 2009
No one chooses who they fall for, or who they have chemistry with.
Everyone chooses how they act in that situation, though.
The Right Way: "Jane, I know you were really into Tom, and I know you wanted it to work out with him. But it didn't. And this might be uncomfortable, but I also dig Tom and he's indicated that he's interested in me, and we'd like to pursue something. I know you might not be up for giving us your blessing or anything, but I also want to be honest with you."
The Wrong Way: "Oh, Jane, nothing's going to happen with me and Tom! I'd never do that to you!" (12 hours pass, something happens with her and Tom.)
She's a shitty friend. Not for fucking Tom, but for fucking you over and lying to you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:36 PM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Everyone chooses how they act in that situation, though.
The Right Way: "Jane, I know you were really into Tom, and I know you wanted it to work out with him. But it didn't. And this might be uncomfortable, but I also dig Tom and he's indicated that he's interested in me, and we'd like to pursue something. I know you might not be up for giving us your blessing or anything, but I also want to be honest with you."
The Wrong Way: "Oh, Jane, nothing's going to happen with me and Tom! I'd never do that to you!" (12 hours pass, something happens with her and Tom.)
She's a shitty friend. Not for fucking Tom, but for fucking you over and lying to you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:36 PM on December 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
The same thing happened to me. I dropped them immediately and never looked back. No regrets and I don't feel angry about it at all.
posted by Foam Pants at 9:04 PM on December 5, 2009
posted by Foam Pants at 9:04 PM on December 5, 2009
"drawn to happiness and joy in her life, and couldn’t take sorrow and frustration"
This part drives me a little crazy. Once at work, we had this project and hired a contractor to do it. Everything was great until he decided to up and leave half way through. Then, he justified by telling me it was because he had found his dream job! Like saying, "I know this sucks for you, but keep in mind, it's going to be really, really great for me!"
For this alone, I'd say you're justified in dropping them both as friends. The temptation to punish her will be strong, but it could be that she's trying to get you over-react so she can rationalize what she did to you -- don't give her this!
Instead, the most brutal and ruthless thing you can do is to let go of your desire for revenge. Let her own guilt do the work.
posted by AlsoMike at 1:25 AM on December 6, 2009
This part drives me a little crazy. Once at work, we had this project and hired a contractor to do it. Everything was great until he decided to up and leave half way through. Then, he justified by telling me it was because he had found his dream job! Like saying, "I know this sucks for you, but keep in mind, it's going to be really, really great for me!"
For this alone, I'd say you're justified in dropping them both as friends. The temptation to punish her will be strong, but it could be that she's trying to get you over-react so she can rationalize what she did to you -- don't give her this!
Instead, the most brutal and ruthless thing you can do is to let go of your desire for revenge. Let her own guilt do the work.
posted by AlsoMike at 1:25 AM on December 6, 2009
Your friend is a frenemy. Your gut is telling you to cut her off because you should. She has no respect for you and it's even possible she's getting off on causing you pain. Crying and getting angry at you for being understandably hurt by her betrayal? HUGE red flag. Walk away from these losers and never look back.
Sorry you're going through this. A "friend" did this to me in college--went after a guy I'd been crushing on for two years--after I told her how I felt about him. She encouraged me to tell him, I did, he turned me down. She fucked him later that night and then smirked at me as she left his room the next morning when I bumped into her on the way to class.
I stupidly let it go and we stayed friends. A few years later she did something so unforgivable that I had no choice but to cut her off forever. In hindsight, she was a classic narcissist incapable of caring about anyone but herself. I should have ditched her the first time.
Don't make my mistake. Your "friend" is toxic and you should take steps to get away from her and remove her from your life.
posted by balls at 10:58 AM on December 6, 2009
Sorry you're going through this. A "friend" did this to me in college--went after a guy I'd been crushing on for two years--after I told her how I felt about him. She encouraged me to tell him, I did, he turned me down. She fucked him later that night and then smirked at me as she left his room the next morning when I bumped into her on the way to class.
I stupidly let it go and we stayed friends. A few years later she did something so unforgivable that I had no choice but to cut her off forever. In hindsight, she was a classic narcissist incapable of caring about anyone but herself. I should have ditched her the first time.
Don't make my mistake. Your "friend" is toxic and you should take steps to get away from her and remove her from your life.
posted by balls at 10:58 AM on December 6, 2009
I had a similar situation, and I wasted a year of my life by letting myself obsess over it. Communal living arrangement, former bf hooked up with friend of mine, left me feeling betrayed, etc. I could not accept that he was really over me, and the fact he was dating a friend just added to my ire.
That being said, you have every right to partition yourself off from them for the time being, let some time pass. Thinking yourself out of anger seldom works, taking actions that help distance you from this are best. How you do that is up to you, but I'd suggest you not communicate with either of them for now. Keep yourself busy and preoccupied, give your brain a rest from itself. Learn a new skill, join meetup.com, anything to keep the crazies at bay.
Pithy but true: suffering is a part of life, but misery is optional.
posted by wowbobwow at 9:02 AM on December 7, 2009
That being said, you have every right to partition yourself off from them for the time being, let some time pass. Thinking yourself out of anger seldom works, taking actions that help distance you from this are best. How you do that is up to you, but I'd suggest you not communicate with either of them for now. Keep yourself busy and preoccupied, give your brain a rest from itself. Learn a new skill, join meetup.com, anything to keep the crazies at bay.
Pithy but true: suffering is a part of life, but misery is optional.
posted by wowbobwow at 9:02 AM on December 7, 2009
Stop hanging out with them and move on with your life. Wishing they have a horrible break up isn't helping anyone. Maybe in the future you won't find this whole situation so objectionable or painful, and you can hang out again? Probably not. As others have said, you can't really call dibs on a person. Still, it's hard to avoid hurt feelings in this situation. I think if your friend really valued your feelings she would have avoided the boy, or at least waited long.
posted by chunking express at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2009
posted by chunking express at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by availablelight at 9:52 AM on December 5, 2009 [5 favorites]