sexy or shameful?

December 1, 2009 3:42 PM

[nsfw] I found out that a guy I once briefly dated and who I expect to reunite with again in the very near future is capable of auto-fellatio. The idea of it doesn't exactly turn me on, but the gawker in me wants to watch him in the act. A while back he told me he was embarrassed about it; should I pressure him to show me anyways?

I'm partially asking this question here, because it suddenly occurred to me how rare an ability this is and I doubted it was something I would want to bring up around my friends. Maybe later. The thing is that some puritanical side of me finds this auto-fellatio business a bit disturbing, but I still managed to find the courage to ask the guy in question about it. According to him, it was something shameful and 'freakish,' but on the other hand at some point he had bragged about it anonymously online. Yes, this is how I myself came to find out about it.

I'm confused because I think that asking him about it further might upset him and that if I did happen to watch, it might make me squeamish or, worse, completely turn me off. I care about him very, very much so the latter possibility seems unlikely. Am I being ridiculous? Is this something you would be comfortable seeing a potential boyfriend do? Alternatively, if you could do this, would you want your potential girlfriend to watch?

posted by afabulousbeing to Human Relations (27 answers total)

If he's embarrassed and ashamed about it, and bragged about it only *anonymously* and you don't even think you'd find it that much of a turn on, why the fuck would you ask him in the first place?

And, just to get this out of the way:

would you want your potential girlfriend to watch?

If I could do that, I wouldn't need to worry about girlfriends. BOOYAH
posted by Think_Long at 3:46 PM on December 1, 2009 [12 favorites]

It's not really fair to ask him to do something that you're well aware might change the way you see him/feel about him.
posted by hermitosis at 3:48 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

..I care about him very, very much..

..A while back he told me he was embarrassed about it; should I pressure him to show me anyways?..
posted by fire&wings at 3:48 PM on December 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

Think of this in terms of a man asking 'I heard that a woman I used to date gives an awesome blowjob. She told me a while ago that it makes her uncomfortable. Should I pressure her to give me one, because i've never had one yet?'

I think you know the answer but I'm going to tell you anyway.

Absolutely not under amy circumstances should you suggest this to him.
posted by bilabial at 3:49 PM on December 1, 2009

I mean, it's a skill of exquisite bounty. He should be proud. You've got to at least ask!

If I could do this, I would take immense pride in the fact.

He might be concerned that someone watching would probably see his butthole hair, which could be pretty gross. You should also consider this factor.
posted by past at 3:49 PM on December 1, 2009

Of course you don't bring it up.

If your friend has issues around it, and isn't automatically an extremely comfortable sexual extrovert offline as well as on-, then there's no reason to broach the subject just for shitzengiggles.

I'm sure there's gotta be some kind of auto-fellatio male porn online for you to see what it looks like if that's your bag.

Also - ask yourself if there's something behind this as well - are you prepared to get into a sexual situation with this person again?

What if he fulfills this odd request of yours, and then turns around and politely asks you to coat yourself in latex and hang suspended from restraints or participate in a DP-fuelled threesome because "he's never seen that before and thought you could do it?"

Respect his boundaries is all I'm saying here. Sexual performances are way different than something like, "Hey - I heard you can build furniture by hand - can I watch you do that sometime?" They are loaded with all sorts of baggage, psychological energy and maybe unresolved blocks from the past.

Here's a funny story to make this medicine go down (pardon the pun):

A good friend of mine is also capable of such a feat, and gave it up because he didn't like the lack of control he had at the moneyshot moment. Something about getting sperm in his eyes and not liking it one bit.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:55 PM on December 1, 2009

if you thought this would be incredibly sexy to you, then there would be all sorts of ways to broach the topic and let him know he was in a safe place and a safe situation, one where shame didn't need to be a worry. this is not the situation you are in.

if you want to see it just for curiosity sake, find a video of someone else doing it online. this man is not your circus side show.
posted by nadawi at 3:56 PM on December 1, 2009 [7 favorites]

Pressure him? No.

Since it's embarrassing and awkward and really private... spend some time in advance deciding what embarrassing, awkward and private things you could do for him in return.

At least then it's fair.
posted by rokusan at 3:56 PM on December 1, 2009 [3 favorites]

also - ha! i had typed out nearly the exact same story as lipstick thespian and then deleted it. but, yeah, i've known 2 guys who could do this. one was so deeply ashamed about anything to do with sex and his body that he would FREAK OUT if his own semen even touched him, so he had given the practice up long before i fooled around with him - and the other complained about getting shot in the eye one too many times.
posted by nadawi at 3:59 PM on December 1, 2009

There are a couple of different types of autofellatio! Let's take a lesson class!

First, there is the "I Have a Huge Dick" type. This type of auto-fellator simple bends forward a bit and their enormous penis, usually curved in precisely the right direction, makes its way toward the fellator's mouth. Often this person can simply lick the tip, and sometimes achieve enough flexibility to place the head in their mouth. Some people can achieve this standing up. It is truly impressive to watch.

Then there is the "I Bend in the Wrong Places" type. This type of auto-fellator can contort himself, sometimes with great struggle, into a pretzel shape. This shape usually requires the person to fold themselves in half, but offers them almost unfettered access to their own member allowing some people to place their entire penis - and sometimes their balls - into their mouth. I have heard that this is not particularly comfortable. But in a certain Kafkaesque way, it's also fascinating to watch.

Why do you need to know this? Because this is a thread about people who can suck their own dicks. And you need the facts.

Auto-fellatio happens to turn me on, so if I was dating someone who could do it, I'd have no qualms about asking - nay, begging - them to put on a show for me. But if it didn't do anything for me, and I knew that it had the potential to be an uncomfortable task, I'd probably just leave well enough alone and do as nadawi suggests and check out the many locations on the internet that offer this sort of thing.

[/overshare]
posted by greekphilosophy at 4:10 PM on December 1, 2009 [11 favorites]

You should buy him a beer or two...or twelve. See if he is comfortable after then.

Just kidding. Well, people go through different moods, catch him in a good mood, and he might be down for it.
posted by Eleutherios at 4:23 PM on December 1, 2009

Sigh. Dear god, why am I typing this?

Keep in mind that if he falls into the former of the categories greekphilosophy mentions, he may not be able to do it consistently. I mean, you know, hypothetically.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 4:38 PM on December 1, 2009

How does this conversation get started?

"So I heard you could blow yourself"
posted by Scientifik at 4:38 PM on December 1, 2009

A while back he told me he was embarrassed about it; should I pressure him to show me anyways?

When you put it that way, no.
posted by electroboy at 4:42 PM on December 1, 2009

Switch perspective. If you could make yourself cum through auto-cunnilingus but it embarrassed you, how would you feel if your male partner 'pressured' you to do this so he could watch and then decide if it turned him on or squicked him out.

Not a good idea.
posted by Kerasia at 4:45 PM on December 1, 2009

Pressure him? No. Seduce him into doing it? Absolutely! Just remember that he's doing you a rather big sexual favor, and that it's your job to make sure it's an incredibly hot, exciting, and rewarding experience for him. If you're not up for that responsibility - even if it turns out that its a major turn off - then you need to leave it be.
posted by centerweight at 4:51 PM on December 1, 2009

Response by poster: I think "pressure" was simply a bad choice of words on my part. If it did indeed become my mission to see him perform this special feat, I would toss it out there merely as a suggestion and coupled with lots of reassurance that I didn't find it off-putting in the least. And that, of course, would only occur if I was sure that it wouldn't bother me. I suspect that part of this has to do with my desire to achieve greater intimacy with him, because it would imply that he possessed a great deal of trust in and comfort with me to do this.
posted by afabulousbeing at 5:01 PM on December 1, 2009

You haven't mentioned if it's something he enjoys doing. It sounds like you don't know if it's something he enjoys doing. For all you know, it's just a weird party trick that he's physically capable of but doesn't enjoy in the slightest.

Why not just focus on earning his trust and making him comfortable? If it turns out autofellatio is something he's into, you'll find out sooner or later (and likely make him VERY HAPPY by accepting it instead of freaking out). And if it turns out it's some dumb trick that makes him feel like a freak in that not-so-sexy way, you won't have put him in a bad place by asking him to do it, and you'll still have that trust and comfort in your relationship — which was the important part all along, right?
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:16 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

even if you take the word "pressure" out of it, there is nothing in your description or follow up that makes this sound like a good idea. you are trying to find a justification for wanting to satisfy your curiosity, devoid of concern for his feelings. this is not the way to build intimacy.
posted by nadawi at 5:21 PM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Shortbus has a scene with autofellatio. I suppose you could either watch it yourself or try the old strategy on inviting him to watch a movie with you.

I doubted it was something I would want to bring up around my friends. Maybe later.

Wait... what!? You're considering telling your friends about the very private sexual skills and preferences of this man, things that are unusual about him that he wants to keep secret? No wonder he doesn't want to show you. That is both wrong and extremely rude.

Violating someone's privacy won't make them want to share private things with you. How did you find out about this anonymous posting anyhow? Perhaps there was something here that made him uncomfortable.

Is this something you would be comfortable seeing a potential boyfriend do? Alternatively, if you could do this, would you want your potential girlfriend to watch?

It really doesn't matter in this situation what other's opinions are. There's going to be a spectrum of answers for this just as there would be for any sexual activity. This is a very chatfiltery aspect of your question that reflects you being worried about what's "normal", when the truth is that most people have some aspect of their sexual relationships that would not fit in with what other people thinks is "normal".
posted by yohko at 6:03 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

A man is like a woman--it is wrong to pressure anyone to commit a sex act.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:05 PM on December 1, 2009

Should you pressure him to do something he is uncomfortable with? What would give you that right?
posted by chrillsicka at 6:12 PM on December 1, 2009

I think a lot of the advice here has been very good - it's bad partnership to gawk for the sake of gawking - but I have a feeling there's something more to this than just him, frankly. You spent most of your post above talking about your feelings about all this; you pass it off as wanting to 'gawk,' and you say it "wouldn't exactly" turn you on, and yet at the same time you gave your post this very striking title: "sexy or shameful?"

Knowing a few of the people in this thread, at least a bit, I know we're all assuming something that to us goes without saying, but it seems worth pointing it out if only to be clear on the subject: sex ain't nothing to be ashamed of. There are some things in life that are probably worth feeling ashamed or guilty about; say, for example, if you stole large amounts of money, or if you betrayed a friend's confidence and hurt them. (It's worth noting, though, that even in those cases feeling ashamed of ourselves can often hold us back from confidently trying to do what's right.) On the list of things remotely worth feeling guilty or ashamed about, sex – physical intimacy with another human being – does not appear even once. So this fellow can bend himself over and place his cock in his own mouth; there's nothing alarming, frightening, or wrong in that. There's no sin in loving ourselves and the people around us.

I'm not saying that this has to be sexual for you; only that it could be. I know that sounds like an accusation, like I'm telling you that you have some hidden desires that you don't know about; honest, I'm not. Maybe you don't feel any sexual interest whatsoever in this situation at the moment; what I'm saying is – wouldn't it be grand if you did? You say you're worried that you'll feel squeamish or even completely turned off by this. You must have some idea that there are ways to find out before it actually happens whether the idea repulses or intrigues you. Turn the idea over in your mind – think about it in sexual contexts. Consider what the experience will be like, and imagine it.

I think you're worried that you'd just be there to gawk, and that it'd be like a car accident – gruesome and disturbingly pleasant to look at just because it's gruesome. I can assure you that sex is never gruesome (love, even self-love, always has beauty if you know how to look at it) but why take my word for it? I'm sure you can imagine what it would be like. And you know and care for this guy; so you know that you'd be watching a friend do something crazy and a bit cool. I think you'd probably find yourself enough enthralled by seeing this that you wouldn't be likely to feel squeamish or sick.

Anyhow, I can sympathize with what you call your "puritanical side." I have that side sometimes, too. I've found that the best times in my life tend to come when I tell that puritan to fuck off and just dive headfirst into whatever intrigues or interests me. Seems like a leap, but believe me, it's worth it.
posted by koeselitz at 6:30 PM on December 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

should I pressure him to show me anyways?

Of course not. Give him the safe space to understand that if he wants to share any kinks/sexual skills/whatnot with you he can, but you need to remember it's his choice and not yours.

As proof that this really is not all that unique or rare an ability, here's a really damn NSFW xTube link.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:09 PM on December 1, 2009

Response by poster: I don't know if it was an anonymous posting or not. I don't recall exactly when or where I read it, if it was in an easily identifiable location such as myspace or on a messageboard full of strangers. (In case you haven't guessed, I indulged in a bit of cyber-stalking once upon a time.) When I asked him about, I wondered if he wasn't just claiming to be embarrassed about it for my sake, due to a fear that I might be creeped out and a choice to downplay it as a result.

After reading these responses, I'm definitely feeling more cautious about bringing this up at all. Perhaps if we're both very drunk and silly, I'll introduce it as a joke and see what his response is.
posted by afabulousbeing at 8:06 PM on December 1, 2009

You shouldn't try to make people do things they're uncomfortable with, period. This isn't about your curiosity. It's about your potential boyfriend's level of comfort with doing something. Making him do something he doesn't want to do is not a good idea, irrespective of what that thing is.
posted by Solomon at 9:56 PM on December 1, 2009

I'm going to bring up blowjobs again, in light of the 'get him drunk' suggestions. These suggestions perpetuate a double standard about men, women, sex, and alcohol.

Initiating sexual contact with someone whom you know to be inebriated is inappropriate, regardless of the gender of the people involved.

In some jurisdictions, what you are considering is illegal, and the pre-meditatedness of the whole thing squicks me out.

You have sufficient reason to doubt that he wouldn't be thrilled to perform this act for you if he were sober.

Adding alcohol doesn't make the situation sexy. It's creepy.
posted by bilabial at 9:54 AM on December 3, 2009 [1 favorite]