The girl I love bought a house I hate - now what?
December 1, 2009 9:06 AM Subscribe
We're in love! That's great! She bought a house yesterday with zero input from me whatsoever! That's crappy! What does it mean, and what do I do now?
This past weekend my girlfriend closed on a house. I really really dislike this house for a number of reasons, which aren't especially relevant here. But what I'm having a very hard time dealing with, and maybe this is selfish of me, is that we've been dating for a while and have both hinted that this may be it for both of us yet I was not asked for input or opinions at all during the whole process. The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.
We had a big ol' mutual cryfest immediately after we finished moving her in last night, during which she said that she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off. This was the first I'd heard of it; I'm usually pretty slow when it comes to stuff like this but I really don't think it was a case of missed signals this time. The most I'd gotten out of her before yesterday was an occasional "you're great" or "you make me really happy" while she's giving me a hug and a kiss. I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process. If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this. But now that I know how she feels about me, I'm wondering why she couldn't've told me sooner; I don't know if it's a case of relationship inexperience or if she just likes the idea of being with somebody and isn't quite ready to end things yet. As far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this, if not especially open or forthcoming. When we were talking after our last minor tiff (which occurred before she found this house), one of the things I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for. Apparently she can't or won't do that.
A couple of other facts which may or may not be relevant: I'm 28, she's 24. We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months. Neither of us have been married before, and she's only had one or two "real" relationships in the past. I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years. We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. We get along fine with each other in every way apart from this one (big?) problem I'm having.
I guess my question is, is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me? Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love? Should I forget about it and just go live in a cave in Mongolia?
Hope me, MetaFilter!
This past weekend my girlfriend closed on a house. I really really dislike this house for a number of reasons, which aren't especially relevant here. But what I'm having a very hard time dealing with, and maybe this is selfish of me, is that we've been dating for a while and have both hinted that this may be it for both of us yet I was not asked for input or opinions at all during the whole process. The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.
We had a big ol' mutual cryfest immediately after we finished moving her in last night, during which she said that she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off. This was the first I'd heard of it; I'm usually pretty slow when it comes to stuff like this but I really don't think it was a case of missed signals this time. The most I'd gotten out of her before yesterday was an occasional "you're great" or "you make me really happy" while she's giving me a hug and a kiss. I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process. If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this. But now that I know how she feels about me, I'm wondering why she couldn't've told me sooner; I don't know if it's a case of relationship inexperience or if she just likes the idea of being with somebody and isn't quite ready to end things yet. As far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this, if not especially open or forthcoming. When we were talking after our last minor tiff (which occurred before she found this house), one of the things I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for. Apparently she can't or won't do that.
A couple of other facts which may or may not be relevant: I'm 28, she's 24. We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months. Neither of us have been married before, and she's only had one or two "real" relationships in the past. I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years. We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. We get along fine with each other in every way apart from this one (big?) problem I'm having.
I guess my question is, is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me? Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love? Should I forget about it and just go live in a cave in Mongolia?
Hope me, MetaFilter!
Yes, it is possible that your girlfriend does not feel as strongly as you do, and bought this house without input from you because a) she doesn't anticipate you living in it, b) she is thoughtless and young, c) she doesn't love you back, or d) because it didn't occur to her.
Before you put down any money on a Mongolian cave, you might want to buy her a cup of coffee and discuss it with her.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 9:13 AM on December 1, 2009
Before you put down any money on a Mongolian cave, you might want to buy her a cup of coffee and discuss it with her.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 9:13 AM on December 1, 2009
You're overreacting. You make it sound like you've been dating for years instead of months. If this is the girl you're planning on marrying and you're only now getting around to mutual "I love you"s then I don't think you really should be upset about this. be happy for her and support her and talk to *her* about your feelings about the house not strangers on the internet.
posted by eatcake at 9:15 AM on December 1, 2009 [8 favorites]
posted by eatcake at 9:15 AM on December 1, 2009 [8 favorites]
What's so awful about the house...?
posted by kmennie at 9:16 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by kmennie at 9:16 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
... I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for.
Because that is (or sounds like) some fake-ass Lifetime Channel bullshit. I wouldn't have an answer either.
We get along fine with each other in every way...
So what's the problem with her spending her own money on what she wants sans any real commitment from either of you?
posted by cmoj at 9:16 AM on December 1, 2009 [15 favorites]
Because that is (or sounds like) some fake-ass Lifetime Channel bullshit. I wouldn't have an answer either.
We get along fine with each other in every way...
So what's the problem with her spending her own money on what she wants sans any real commitment from either of you?
posted by cmoj at 9:16 AM on December 1, 2009 [15 favorites]
After only eight months of dating, and since you're tied to your living situation and not currently living together, I don't think it's unreasonable not to assume that you won't be buying a house together. This is doubly true if one or both of you are in school.
You mention in passing that you hate the house, but I can't help but wonder if that's mostly because you feel you had the rug pulled out from under you. Really, in the scheme of forever, moving in with her when your own lease is up and staying there for four years, and then going to a place that's mutually agreeable, isn't that unreasonable. I mean, what if she'd owned this house before you met?
As for this: Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love?
Aw, come on, really--how should we know? You need to ask her pointedly what the story is and be honest and open about your own feelings. "Tell me what you're thinking" is way too vague for someone who doesn't naturally volunteer their feelings and is also scared of rejection. Something like "I felt left out of the house buying process. I'd hoped we'd be moving in together when my lease is up. I love you and care about you and would like to know what the chances are of us living together down the line--if it sounds good to you, I'd like to plan for it. So let's make a plan," would work much better. When you're talking about grown-up decisions, it's best to communicate like grown-ups.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:20 AM on December 1, 2009
You mention in passing that you hate the house, but I can't help but wonder if that's mostly because you feel you had the rug pulled out from under you. Really, in the scheme of forever, moving in with her when your own lease is up and staying there for four years, and then going to a place that's mutually agreeable, isn't that unreasonable. I mean, what if she'd owned this house before you met?
As for this: Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love?
Aw, come on, really--how should we know? You need to ask her pointedly what the story is and be honest and open about your own feelings. "Tell me what you're thinking" is way too vague for someone who doesn't naturally volunteer their feelings and is also scared of rejection. Something like "I felt left out of the house buying process. I'd hoped we'd be moving in together when my lease is up. I love you and care about you and would like to know what the chances are of us living together down the line--if it sounds good to you, I'd like to plan for it. So let's make a plan," would work much better. When you're talking about grown-up decisions, it's best to communicate like grown-ups.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:20 AM on December 1, 2009
she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off.
You know what scares people off? Making huge, life-altering decisions without any consideration for your feelings. She has every right to buy whatever she wants, but if she is seriously interested in living with you, then this warranted discussion before the fact.
posted by hermitosis at 9:22 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
You know what scares people off? Making huge, life-altering decisions without any consideration for your feelings. She has every right to buy whatever she wants, but if she is seriously interested in living with you, then this warranted discussion before the fact.
posted by hermitosis at 9:22 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
There is no commitment between the two of you - ("dating a few months") - she is the only one who should make a decision about HER house and how she spends HER money until there is a serious commitment to the future from you.
She sounds like a smart young lady who looks after own best interest. That's a good thing!
posted by pamspanda at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2009 [11 favorites]
She sounds like a smart young lady who looks after own best interest. That's a good thing!
posted by pamspanda at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2009 [11 favorites]
If you're not expected to finance or service the loan on the house, then what's the big deal.
Your girlfriend sounds like she's entrepreneurial.
It's not (plural) your house, it's *her* house.
If you guys are in love, you'll probably end up living together. She can either rent the house out, or you can move in and contribute to the mortgage (pay rent).
Eventually you'll both buy a house together.
In the meantime, try to be a good sport about it, and try to be patient - play the long game.
And figure out a way to set boundaries regarding repairs, etc. If she asks you for a considerable amount of support and help financing and repairing the house, make sure you have a list of your own financial priorities first, and then finish by saying that eventually you want to make a home purchase together with her.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your girlfriend sounds like she's entrepreneurial.
It's not (plural) your house, it's *her* house.
If you guys are in love, you'll probably end up living together. She can either rent the house out, or you can move in and contribute to the mortgage (pay rent).
Eventually you'll both buy a house together.
In the meantime, try to be a good sport about it, and try to be patient - play the long game.
And figure out a way to set boundaries regarding repairs, etc. If she asks you for a considerable amount of support and help financing and repairing the house, make sure you have a list of your own financial priorities first, and then finish by saying that eventually you want to make a home purchase together with her.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Let me ask: have the two of you discussed moving in together at all, period, before this? Not moving in together in this house, but moving in anywhere?
If not, then....you may be really jumping the gun here. It may be a couple years before you both move in together, and until then -- well, she's gotta live somewhere, and she's addressing that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
If not, then....you may be really jumping the gun here. It may be a couple years before you both move in together, and until then -- well, she's gotta live somewhere, and she's addressing that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:23 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's not about the house, it's about the communication.
Unilateral spending of own money is OK, but there must be dialogue about life. IMO the relationship won't work without the dialogue, nor is it worth having. She seems to be blocked from reciprocating in that dialogue. This may be fixable. Talk to her is what I'd do - tell her what positive things you want, and why you want them.
I especially disagree with cmoj's Lifetime Channel comment. People's thoughts, ambitions, fears, wonders and hopes are definitely very real.
posted by krilli at 9:24 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
Unilateral spending of own money is OK, but there must be dialogue about life. IMO the relationship won't work without the dialogue, nor is it worth having. She seems to be blocked from reciprocating in that dialogue. This may be fixable. Talk to her is what I'd do - tell her what positive things you want, and why you want them.
I especially disagree with cmoj's Lifetime Channel comment. People's thoughts, ambitions, fears, wonders and hopes are definitely very real.
posted by krilli at 9:24 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
You're overthinking this. She had probably starting thinking about buying a house and saving up for it long before she ever met you. I think a better attitude would be to say "wow, congratulations on your house! i can't wait to see it!" and leave it at that. You haven't been together for all that long, and it sounds like you're taking it slow (i.e. she only just told you that she loves you). That's fine. I don't think calling her "oblivious and self-absorbed" is necessarily fair and it seems catty on your part. She may be independent when it comes to things like investments, real estate, and career choices, but I bet she'd appreciate support rather than unsolicited advice or "but what does this mean about our relationship??!?" If the house was in another state or country, yeah, I'd be worried. But for now, don't look at it as some sort of representative of her feelings about dating you. And don't worry about whether or not you want to move in to her house until you're at the point where you're actually talking to each other about it as a real possibility (i.e. something that is a month or two away from happening), and it's not just something you think may come up eventually.
You love her? You enjoy spending time with her, and vice versa? She told you that she loves you? Yes, keep dating her and stop being so negative about the house. It's not always about you.
posted by emd3737 at 9:26 AM on December 1, 2009
You love her? You enjoy spending time with her, and vice versa? She told you that she loves you? Yes, keep dating her and stop being so negative about the house. It's not always about you.
posted by emd3737 at 9:26 AM on December 1, 2009
Sounds like when you displayed a lot of passionate emotion the other day, she met you on it. Maybe she felt pressured by you or herself to say she loved you, or even to make herself believe it. This is what I'd be wondering. On the flip side, she's saying that she actually felt all that, but pressured herself not to say any out of concern for scaring you off - but this sounds strange to me. If you've said you loved her, why should she feel you'd be scared by her reciprocating? Maybe there are some issues from past relationships re saying "I love you" and you can support her on them while she gets through them.
About all the questions in your last paragraph: if you've got a bunch of questions about your future with her, and you've been dating for 8 months, talk to her about them. If she can't or won't talk with you about your future together, then you may have a problem - of communication, commitment, whatever. Otherwise, it's just a matter of you reaching out to her more.
posted by lorrer at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2009
About all the questions in your last paragraph: if you've got a bunch of questions about your future with her, and you've been dating for 8 months, talk to her about them. If she can't or won't talk with you about your future together, then you may have a problem - of communication, commitment, whatever. Otherwise, it's just a matter of you reaching out to her more.
posted by lorrer at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2009
Weird thing to do. But it's only been eight months?
You two need to talk more. And more better-er.
posted by rokusan at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
You two need to talk more. And more better-er.
posted by rokusan at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
Your gf owns a house.....that's pretty cool!
The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.
She may have been waiting for you to voice some concerns or interest along the way - you didn't. Not saying she was right to passively wait for you to show interest, just saying it's a possibility. So why now are you so upset? I think it's strange that of all the times she mentioned the house, you never once asked here where it was.
Why didn't you ask?
posted by iconomy at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2009 [7 favorites]
The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.
She may have been waiting for you to voice some concerns or interest along the way - you didn't. Not saying she was right to passively wait for you to show interest, just saying it's a possibility. So why now are you so upset? I think it's strange that of all the times she mentioned the house, you never once asked here where it was.
Why didn't you ask?
posted by iconomy at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2009 [7 favorites]
Ultimately it boils down to money, if she's paying 100% of the mortgage, closing costs, down payment, furniture, moving expenses, utilities, maintenance, etc etc, then its her place, and your opinion is about as valid as the next door neighbors. She wanted it, she figured out how to get it. All the "I love you" stuff doesn't mean a thing, its her house, maybe you can get lucky and live there rent free.
posted by Scientifik at 9:31 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Scientifik at 9:31 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, and
The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me
The extent of your involvement was entirely your own choosing.
posted by iconomy at 9:32 AM on December 1, 2009 [20 favorites]
The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me
The extent of your involvement was entirely your own choosing.
posted by iconomy at 9:32 AM on December 1, 2009 [20 favorites]
As someone who just bought a house this year, I find it surprising that she only mentioned finding a house she liked, the offer, and the acceptance. The entire process was so grueling, stressful, and sucky (and exciting) for us, I just can't imagine that she didn't have more thoughts to share about it while the whole thing went on. Which makes me wonder if the little bits that she did throw out to you were fishing for you to ask questions/share your thoughts. And if you didn't (for reasons that totally make sense and I don't fault you for that), maybe she thought that you didn't care enough about her to get involved in the process. It sounds like she's a bit insecure about relationships, so maybe she has some expectations about mind-reading that need to be dealt with.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 9:32 AM on December 1, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 9:32 AM on December 1, 2009 [5 favorites]
The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted" I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.
Did you ask for any of these things?
If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this.
It's not definite. It never is. This is a poor excuse to want/not want any influence.
We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months.
Calm down. 8 months is not a long time. I know people who have spent longer than 8 months trying to buy a house.
I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years ... is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me?
The flip side, of course: Is it worth making things work with someone who isn't ready to take the pretty important steps that you're taking? You're asking her to put her life-changing decisions on hold while you wait for a lease to run out, and at that point, would you have bought the house with her? Or would you have suggested renting another apartment together?
Overall, I would expect to have input in the house purchase if and only if I had a vested financial stake in the house, which is sounds like you don't. As stated up-thread, she's spending her own money on something that she wants.
I realize the crux of your question is about how this whole scenario effects you and your relationship, so naturally you left out the tangent details, but without them, this question comes off as "My girlfriend is doing great things in her life and she doesn't care how it effects ME!!!" so you should definitely keep that in mind when you talk to her about it, and this is especially important if you don't like the house because 'the neighborhood is icky' or 'its too far from my friends/work/bar' since that's going to boil down to "I don't like the house because it is inconvenient for me".
posted by coryinabox at 9:34 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Did you ask for any of these things?
If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this.
It's not definite. It never is. This is a poor excuse to want/not want any influence.
We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months.
Calm down. 8 months is not a long time. I know people who have spent longer than 8 months trying to buy a house.
I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years ... is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me?
The flip side, of course: Is it worth making things work with someone who isn't ready to take the pretty important steps that you're taking? You're asking her to put her life-changing decisions on hold while you wait for a lease to run out, and at that point, would you have bought the house with her? Or would you have suggested renting another apartment together?
Overall, I would expect to have input in the house purchase if and only if I had a vested financial stake in the house, which is sounds like you don't. As stated up-thread, she's spending her own money on something that she wants.
I realize the crux of your question is about how this whole scenario effects you and your relationship, so naturally you left out the tangent details, but without them, this question comes off as "My girlfriend is doing great things in her life and she doesn't care how it effects ME!!!" so you should definitely keep that in mind when you talk to her about it, and this is especially important if you don't like the house because 'the neighborhood is icky' or 'its too far from my friends/work/bar' since that's going to boil down to "I don't like the house because it is inconvenient for me".
posted by coryinabox at 9:34 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, if she brought the house up and you said nothing, that is your own choice to be uninvolved. She can't FORCE involvement on you. Also, you aren't even living together nor were you planning to do so in the near future, get over yourself.
Nobody should put their life on hold for someone who doesn't even bother voicing concerns/feelings/opinions until they become passive aggressive regrets.
posted by shownomercy at 9:36 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Nobody should put their life on hold for someone who doesn't even bother voicing concerns/feelings/opinions until they become passive aggressive regrets.
posted by shownomercy at 9:36 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yep, you're overreacting. Sounds like you are faster to intimacy than she is. Let her move at her own pace. Be patient and supportive.
Especially be supportive of her choice of house. Instead of finding things to dislike, try to understand her better through her choices in buying the house. You might get some clues on differences between you (especially family of origin differences) and how to navigate them.
I have been with my wife for 26 happy (well, you know, generally) years and the rule of thumb I use is this: I will give my honest opinion when asked. I will seek to have ideas and opinions when asked. But I defer to my wife on all things nesting -- decor, furnishings, etc.
For me (and many men) my house is a place of refuge and safety. For my wife (and many women), her home is more of an extension of her identity. She is much more personally invested in how it looks than I am, so I defer to her and support her. I care what it looks like only in so far as I wish for her happiness.
posted by cross_impact at 9:40 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Especially be supportive of her choice of house. Instead of finding things to dislike, try to understand her better through her choices in buying the house. You might get some clues on differences between you (especially family of origin differences) and how to navigate them.
I have been with my wife for 26 happy (well, you know, generally) years and the rule of thumb I use is this: I will give my honest opinion when asked. I will seek to have ideas and opinions when asked. But I defer to my wife on all things nesting -- decor, furnishings, etc.
For me (and many men) my house is a place of refuge and safety. For my wife (and many women), her home is more of an extension of her identity. She is much more personally invested in how it looks than I am, so I defer to her and support her. I care what it looks like only in so far as I wish for her happiness.
posted by cross_impact at 9:40 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: >If you never voiced your displeasure about the house, how exactly would she know that there was an issue?
We both know what the other likes and dislikes in terms of places to live, as it's something we've talked about a lot during her search. The specifics of any particular house are something we can compromise on; that's not an issue for me. I'm more worried about what, if anything, it means that I wasn't given the opportunity to do so, given how we apparently feel about each other.
>Because that is (or sounds like) some fake-ass Lifetime Channel bullshit. I wouldn't have an answer either.
heh, I know. But getting her to tell me anything really about how she's feeling other than "I'm fine" is like pulling teeth. I figured asking her for something as open-ended as that would elicit some kind of response, not on the spot but over time. From what I can tell, that hasn't been the case. And anyway, you've never just sat around and blabbed with your spouse/girlfriend/whoever about what you want to do with yourself or who you want to be?
and to everyone re: overreacting: it's quite possible. Thanks for the head check.
posted by xbonesgt at 9:43 AM on December 1, 2009
We both know what the other likes and dislikes in terms of places to live, as it's something we've talked about a lot during her search. The specifics of any particular house are something we can compromise on; that's not an issue for me. I'm more worried about what, if anything, it means that I wasn't given the opportunity to do so, given how we apparently feel about each other.
>Because that is (or sounds like) some fake-ass Lifetime Channel bullshit. I wouldn't have an answer either.
heh, I know. But getting her to tell me anything really about how she's feeling other than "I'm fine" is like pulling teeth. I figured asking her for something as open-ended as that would elicit some kind of response, not on the spot but over time. From what I can tell, that hasn't been the case. And anyway, you've never just sat around and blabbed with your spouse/girlfriend/whoever about what you want to do with yourself or who you want to be?
and to everyone re: overreacting: it's quite possible. Thanks for the head check.
posted by xbonesgt at 9:43 AM on December 1, 2009
I find this such an odd question. You've been dating for less than a year, and haven't even swapped 'I love yous' yet. You're not engaged, you haven't merged finances... you're dating. You haven't even talked about moving in together. Why would she seek your approval before she buys her house? For all she knows you'll both be dating other people a month from now. Your relationship is not a committed one at this point.
She should be making her own major life decisions on her own recognizance for many reasons, and the fact she is doing this is a good indicator that she is an independent and capable human being.
posted by 2xplor at 9:51 AM on December 1, 2009 [5 favorites]
She should be making her own major life decisions on her own recognizance for many reasons, and the fact she is doing this is a good indicator that she is an independent and capable human being.
posted by 2xplor at 9:51 AM on December 1, 2009 [5 favorites]
I would read too much into it, your name isn't on the mortgage so it isn't yours. She was probably really excited and put her wants and needs before yours. What if she compromised and you two moved in together and then split up? Who gets the compromised house with lots of things that they don't like about it? This way, if you guys split up she knows she has her house that she absolutely loves. Be supportive and offer to help her fix things if they need fixing, move furniture, work in the garden. Just don't pay for any of it. She shouldn't expect you to help her pay the mortgage if she's short one month, and she shouldn't expect you to pay for a new water heater when this one blows the hell up.
Help her find things around the area that you both like to do, I don't know.
posted by InsanePenguin at 9:54 AM on December 1, 2009
Help her find things around the area that you both like to do, I don't know.
posted by InsanePenguin at 9:54 AM on December 1, 2009
I wouldn't* read too much into it.
posted by InsanePenguin at 9:54 AM on December 1, 2009
posted by InsanePenguin at 9:54 AM on December 1, 2009
It's not just about the house.
>she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off
Sounds like me. In my case, I have deep fears about rejection and abandonment. Also, where I grew up girls are discouraged from expressing wants and needs.
It's possible that she has a relationship script that calls for the man to be the pursuer - more assertively than you've been, perhaps.
In any case, it's time to have a series of deep conversations. Things might work out, or not, but you will learn a lot about each other and yourselves.
posted by metaseeker at 9:59 AM on December 1, 2009
>she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off
Sounds like me. In my case, I have deep fears about rejection and abandonment. Also, where I grew up girls are discouraged from expressing wants and needs.
It's possible that she has a relationship script that calls for the man to be the pursuer - more assertively than you've been, perhaps.
In any case, it's time to have a series of deep conversations. Things might work out, or not, but you will learn a lot about each other and yourselves.
posted by metaseeker at 9:59 AM on December 1, 2009
When we were talking after our last minor tiff (which occurred before she found this house), one of the things I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for. Apparently she can't or won't do that.
You seem a little oblivious to the big double standard you have going here: you want her to tell you what she is thinking and frankly sound fairly judgmental about what you perceive as a lack of communication, maybe even (going by the line as far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this) dishonesty, and yet unless you are leaving a lot out you clearly aren't communicating all this heavy stuff to do with your reaction to her buying this house.
I would take a stab in the dark and say that when she told you she was looking for a house and that she had found a house she liked and that she had put an offer on that house and you provided no input she came to the completely understandable conclusion that you were quite possibly not all that interested in living with her because this domicile was your potential future home and you'd think you'd show some interest in the specifics if you ever planned on living there. Yeah, she has a definite role in this failure of communication but that doesn't get you off the hook. You seem to be playing a game where you have specific expectations of her based on some past interactions but aren't exactly letting her in on the rules. Like, did you ever actually tell her you were reluctant to give her input on the house because you weren't sure how she really felt about you and therefor what your future was? Because if not expecting her to understand that this is what was going on makes very little sense. And you might also take a good hard look at why exactly you weren't willing to have that talk with her.
You should understand that to at least this outside observer the phrasing of statements like is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love make you sound like a real dick and if you were dating my sister and I had access to that sort of talk I'd probably be leaning towards encouraging her to dump your ass. While she shouldn't have let it get to this point (signing on a house without having a serious where's-it-going relationship talk), neither should you, and when you didn't raise the issue when she said she'd put an offer down, in my opinion you took on fully 50% of the responsibility for the situation you're in now. You're older and wiser and more experienced, right, so it's your job to take the first steps to fixing this if you actually want to (which is really not the vibe I'm getting off your question, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt), which means coming clean about the fact that you don't like the house, coming clean about the real reasons why you didn't engage in the issue before it got to the point of no return, and having a real talk about where your relationship is going, including future living arrangements. She's stuck with the place until she can get out in a way that makes financial sense so yes, if you want to live together you will have to put up with it for some period of time. A few years in a place you don't like isn't a very big deal if you're really talking about a lasting relationship. If it doesn't work out you can always move into a cave later.
posted by nanojath at 10:01 AM on December 1, 2009 [7 favorites]
You seem a little oblivious to the big double standard you have going here: you want her to tell you what she is thinking and frankly sound fairly judgmental about what you perceive as a lack of communication, maybe even (going by the line as far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this) dishonesty, and yet unless you are leaving a lot out you clearly aren't communicating all this heavy stuff to do with your reaction to her buying this house.
I would take a stab in the dark and say that when she told you she was looking for a house and that she had found a house she liked and that she had put an offer on that house and you provided no input she came to the completely understandable conclusion that you were quite possibly not all that interested in living with her because this domicile was your potential future home and you'd think you'd show some interest in the specifics if you ever planned on living there. Yeah, she has a definite role in this failure of communication but that doesn't get you off the hook. You seem to be playing a game where you have specific expectations of her based on some past interactions but aren't exactly letting her in on the rules. Like, did you ever actually tell her you were reluctant to give her input on the house because you weren't sure how she really felt about you and therefor what your future was? Because if not expecting her to understand that this is what was going on makes very little sense. And you might also take a good hard look at why exactly you weren't willing to have that talk with her.
You should understand that to at least this outside observer the phrasing of statements like is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love make you sound like a real dick and if you were dating my sister and I had access to that sort of talk I'd probably be leaning towards encouraging her to dump your ass. While she shouldn't have let it get to this point (signing on a house without having a serious where's-it-going relationship talk), neither should you, and when you didn't raise the issue when she said she'd put an offer down, in my opinion you took on fully 50% of the responsibility for the situation you're in now. You're older and wiser and more experienced, right, so it's your job to take the first steps to fixing this if you actually want to (which is really not the vibe I'm getting off your question, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt), which means coming clean about the fact that you don't like the house, coming clean about the real reasons why you didn't engage in the issue before it got to the point of no return, and having a real talk about where your relationship is going, including future living arrangements. She's stuck with the place until she can get out in a way that makes financial sense so yes, if you want to live together you will have to put up with it for some period of time. A few years in a place you don't like isn't a very big deal if you're really talking about a lasting relationship. If it doesn't work out you can always move into a cave later.
posted by nanojath at 10:01 AM on December 1, 2009 [7 favorites]
I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years ... is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me?
You've been dating for 8 months. I don't know why you're under the presumption she shouldn't be taking important steps in her life without your involvement.
You don't live together, you're not engaged, you haven't even got to saying I love you yet in the relationship -- you're definitely overthinking this and presuming too much.
posted by jerseygirl at 10:02 AM on December 1, 2009
You've been dating for 8 months. I don't know why you're under the presumption she shouldn't be taking important steps in her life without your involvement.
You don't live together, you're not engaged, you haven't even got to saying I love you yet in the relationship -- you're definitely overthinking this and presuming too much.
posted by jerseygirl at 10:02 AM on December 1, 2009
We both know what the other likes and dislikes in terms of places to live, as it's something we've talked about a lot during her search. The specifics of any particular house are something we can compromise on; that's not an issue for me. I'm more worried about what, if anything, it means that I wasn't given the opportunity to do so, given how we apparently feel about each other.
I wonder if you have a notion that homebuying is Something Couples Do Together Meaningfully, while she's simply securing living arrangements.
You can't move anywhere right now, so you two can't live together yet. Would you have expected input on her signing an apartment lease? Would you care if she had an apartment in this town that you don't like?
Buying a home with a significant other is a HUGE commitment, much bigger than living together, one for which you two probably aren't ready. If it made financial sense for her to buy now, I'm not sure I blame her for going ahead with it independently. If you two decide after your lease ends that you want to live together, you now have a place to live with her, even if it isn't ideal for you. Whether you two stay there or whether she rents the house and you two find someplace else to live can be discussed then.
posted by desuetude at 10:13 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
I wonder if you have a notion that homebuying is Something Couples Do Together Meaningfully, while she's simply securing living arrangements.
You can't move anywhere right now, so you two can't live together yet. Would you have expected input on her signing an apartment lease? Would you care if she had an apartment in this town that you don't like?
Buying a home with a significant other is a HUGE commitment, much bigger than living together, one for which you two probably aren't ready. If it made financial sense for her to buy now, I'm not sure I blame her for going ahead with it independently. If you two decide after your lease ends that you want to live together, you now have a place to live with her, even if it isn't ideal for you. Whether you two stay there or whether she rents the house and you two find someplace else to live can be discussed then.
posted by desuetude at 10:13 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I'm failing to understand how the house is the issue here, myself. Why is your input required? What if your relationship doesn't work out? It's only been eight months. Is she supposed to buy a house that you like just in case you maybe someday move in? Do you also want to pick out the furniture? Which half of her down payment came from you?
Unless I've missed some crucial detail, she bought a house for herself, and she has no obligation to include you in that decision at this stage. I think you're more concerned that her feelings equal yours, which is a valid concern. Leave the house out of it. It's like you're punishing her for doing something she has every right to do and is probably excited about.
posted by katillathehun at 10:15 AM on December 1, 2009
Unless I've missed some crucial detail, she bought a house for herself, and she has no obligation to include you in that decision at this stage. I think you're more concerned that her feelings equal yours, which is a valid concern. Leave the house out of it. It's like you're punishing her for doing something she has every right to do and is probably excited about.
posted by katillathehun at 10:15 AM on December 1, 2009
You wrote that she bought a house without communicating about it with you first... but did you ask her about the house? She brought up that house on more than one occasion, and you didn't take the bait. What was she supposed to do, miss out on a house she loved enough to want to buy just because you didn't bother even asking her about it?
You want her to communicate with you? show some interest when drops hints like that.
posted by Neekee at 10:17 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
You want her to communicate with you? show some interest when drops hints like that.
posted by Neekee at 10:17 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: >The extent of your involvement was entirely your own choosing.
The extent of my involvement in the decision-making process was not as much as it would have been had I known how she felt about me (which is something I'd explicitly asked her to talk to me about). Why offer input if it won't be taken into consideration? I guess I'm just confused that there was lots of "I'm excited about this big thing in my life" but no "I've loved you for a while and want to be with you; how do you feel about this big thing in my life which might affect you?"
http://ask.metafilter.com/139493/The-girl-I-love-bought-a-house-I-hate-now-what#1994115
We did, as of last night, months after she realized the fact but after all the papers were signed and the moving truck was empty. What I don't get is why she waited as long as she did, and why she waited until after doing Something Big, and if I could have done more to make it happen sooner so we don't get into any more situations like this.
I wonder if you have a notion that homebuying is Something Couples Do Together Meaningfully, while she's simply securing living arrangements.
This very much might be the case.
You should understand that to at least this outside observer the phrasing of statements like is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love make you sound like a real dick and if you were dating my sister and I had access to that sort of talk I'd probably be leaning towards encouraging her to dump your ass.
Fantastic, thanks. But I was asking if that was the case, not assuming.
posted by xbonesgt at 10:26 AM on December 1, 2009
The extent of my involvement in the decision-making process was not as much as it would have been had I known how she felt about me (which is something I'd explicitly asked her to talk to me about). Why offer input if it won't be taken into consideration? I guess I'm just confused that there was lots of "I'm excited about this big thing in my life" but no "I've loved you for a while and want to be with you; how do you feel about this big thing in my life which might affect you?"
http://ask.metafilter.com/139493/The-girl-I-love-bought-a-house-I-hate-now-what#1994115
We did, as of last night, months after she realized the fact but after all the papers were signed and the moving truck was empty. What I don't get is why she waited as long as she did, and why she waited until after doing Something Big, and if I could have done more to make it happen sooner so we don't get into any more situations like this.
I wonder if you have a notion that homebuying is Something Couples Do Together Meaningfully, while she's simply securing living arrangements.
This very much might be the case.
You should understand that to at least this outside observer the phrasing of statements like is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love make you sound like a real dick and if you were dating my sister and I had access to that sort of talk I'd probably be leaning towards encouraging her to dump your ass.
Fantastic, thanks. But I was asking if that was the case, not assuming.
posted by xbonesgt at 10:26 AM on December 1, 2009
heh, I know. But getting her to tell me anything really about how she's feeling other than "I'm fine" is like pulling teeth. I figured asking her for something as open-ended as that would elicit some kind of response, not on the spot but over time. From what I can tell, that hasn't been the case. And anyway, you've never just sat around and blabbed with your spouse/girlfriend/whoever about what you want to do with yourself or who you want to be?
Fair enough. Sorry for the unnecessary joke+point.
And of course I have, but not in response to excruciatingly generic questions. So, did you mean to indicate that she's characteristically uncommunicative? This is a problem. Why the initiative here and not with the house search?
posted by cmoj at 10:30 AM on December 1, 2009
Fair enough. Sorry for the unnecessary joke+point.
And of course I have, but not in response to excruciatingly generic questions. So, did you mean to indicate that she's characteristically uncommunicative? This is a problem. Why the initiative here and not with the house search?
posted by cmoj at 10:30 AM on December 1, 2009
I guess my question is, is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me?
If you broke up with her tomorrow, wouldn't that rather vindicate her decision to buy a house she liked a lot, rather than a house she liked less and you liked more?
Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with?
To be honest, I'm having trouble imagining how this house could be as bad as you think, if she loves it. I mean, I've seen houses I wasn't wild about, because I didn't like the décor, or because the windows were a bit small, or because the area wasn't as safe as others - but the strongest negative feeling I've ever had about a house fell way short of hatred.
Is it possible your misgivings about this house are magnified because you didn't have much input into its selection?
posted by Mike1024 at 10:32 AM on December 1, 2009
If you broke up with her tomorrow, wouldn't that rather vindicate her decision to buy a house she liked a lot, rather than a house she liked less and you liked more?
Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with?
To be honest, I'm having trouble imagining how this house could be as bad as you think, if she loves it. I mean, I've seen houses I wasn't wild about, because I didn't like the décor, or because the windows were a bit small, or because the area wasn't as safe as others - but the strongest negative feeling I've ever had about a house fell way short of hatred.
Is it possible your misgivings about this house are magnified because you didn't have much input into its selection?
posted by Mike1024 at 10:32 AM on December 1, 2009
The extent of my involvement in the decision-making process was not as much as it would have been had I known how she felt about me (which is something I'd explicitly asked her to talk to me about). Why offer input if it won't be taken into consideration?
I don't get what's going on in your relationship. You've been going out for 8 months, but the two of you still can't talk to each other? She's not telling you how she feels, and you're not telling her how you feel. You say you said in the past you told her you loved her, and then seem to have dropped it when she didn't reciprocate right away. She said she waited to tell you because she was afraid of "scaring you off", but it doesn't sound like you would've been at all. You're asking us, perfect strangers, to explain her motivations to you, but we don't have any more of an idea than you do. You two need to start talking about all the stuff you're not saying to each other. 8 months isn't long, but it should be long enough to have an idea of where the relationship is headed, and you guys seem to be just turning circles.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:37 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't get what's going on in your relationship. You've been going out for 8 months, but the two of you still can't talk to each other? She's not telling you how she feels, and you're not telling her how you feel. You say you said in the past you told her you loved her, and then seem to have dropped it when she didn't reciprocate right away. She said she waited to tell you because she was afraid of "scaring you off", but it doesn't sound like you would've been at all. You're asking us, perfect strangers, to explain her motivations to you, but we don't have any more of an idea than you do. You two need to start talking about all the stuff you're not saying to each other. 8 months isn't long, but it should be long enough to have an idea of where the relationship is headed, and you guys seem to be just turning circles.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:37 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
The extent of my involvement in the decision-making process was not as much as it would have been had I known how she felt about me (which is something I'd explicitly asked her to talk to me about).
Hey, you know what? I'm like you. However, the rest of the world doesn't extend engraved invitations to us in order to tell us to express our opinions. If you're playing it safe and your enthusiasm depends on knowing how the other person feels first, this emotional conservatism will sabotage the entire relationship. It's immature.
If you like the girl, get involved in her life. It says something if you do, and you won't have to have some dramatic conversation where you dissect her feelings about you. Because you know what? It's no fun to be dissected. "Do ya love me baby, or what?"
Why offer input if it won't be taken into consideration?
Because you want to offer your best to them for no other reason than you like them and you think they'll benefit from hearing it.
posted by rhizome at 10:57 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Hey, you know what? I'm like you. However, the rest of the world doesn't extend engraved invitations to us in order to tell us to express our opinions. If you're playing it safe and your enthusiasm depends on knowing how the other person feels first, this emotional conservatism will sabotage the entire relationship. It's immature.
If you like the girl, get involved in her life. It says something if you do, and you won't have to have some dramatic conversation where you dissect her feelings about you. Because you know what? It's no fun to be dissected. "Do ya love me baby, or what?"
Why offer input if it won't be taken into consideration?
Because you want to offer your best to them for no other reason than you like them and you think they'll benefit from hearing it.
posted by rhizome at 10:57 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
You've only been dating for 8 months.
You're not engaged (or apparently in or entering in a long-term cohabitating deal)
Her name is on the mortgage.
She has just finally admitted she loves you.
Apparently she wasn't neither of you were 100% certain of the future or else something else would have been said and things planned differently. You can't expect her to put her life or desires on hold when when things are so fresh. Basically, if you wanted more input and more planning between the both of you something needed to be said earlier. If she wasn't saying it, you should have. If you for some reason, whether accidental omission or intentional act, didn't force the question earlier ... really all you can do is suck it up. Yes, she made a major decision without you but no, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or want you around. You just need to finally get it out in the open and find out.
Bottom line:
You had no reasonable expectation of her asking for or expecting your input into her house. Instead of taking it personal, be glad that she is so self-confident and financially able to purchase her own house at 24.
Plus, it's only a house. Even if you do move in with her, it's only a house. Unless you have crack-houses on either side of you and the walls drip blood on a regular basis, you'll survive. I was on a work trip to India for a month when my wife picked out our first home (we've been in 5 years now.) I hated it. She loves it and the only reason we haven't moved is that she likes it so much. The yard is huge and a pain in the neck. The garage is too small for a real car and has no room for a workshop for me. The house has no cellar which for me, being a born and bred yankee is a downright sin. I really can't stand it sometimes. However, everytime I walk into the door and see my kids playing in the front room hearing their laughter bounce off the walls or walk into my bedroom and notice the way the room smells like my wife's hair ... I always remind myself that it is only a house.
It's just a house.
posted by damiano99 at 11:00 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
You're not engaged (or apparently in or entering in a long-term cohabitating deal)
Her name is on the mortgage.
She has just finally admitted she loves you.
Apparently she wasn't neither of you were 100% certain of the future or else something else would have been said and things planned differently. You can't expect her to put her life or desires on hold when when things are so fresh. Basically, if you wanted more input and more planning between the both of you something needed to be said earlier. If she wasn't saying it, you should have. If you for some reason, whether accidental omission or intentional act, didn't force the question earlier ... really all you can do is suck it up. Yes, she made a major decision without you but no, it doesn't mean she doesn't care or want you around. You just need to finally get it out in the open and find out.
Bottom line:
You had no reasonable expectation of her asking for or expecting your input into her house. Instead of taking it personal, be glad that she is so self-confident and financially able to purchase her own house at 24.
Plus, it's only a house. Even if you do move in with her, it's only a house. Unless you have crack-houses on either side of you and the walls drip blood on a regular basis, you'll survive. I was on a work trip to India for a month when my wife picked out our first home (we've been in 5 years now.) I hated it. She loves it and the only reason we haven't moved is that she likes it so much. The yard is huge and a pain in the neck. The garage is too small for a real car and has no room for a workshop for me. The house has no cellar which for me, being a born and bred yankee is a downright sin. I really can't stand it sometimes. However, everytime I walk into the door and see my kids playing in the front room hearing their laughter bounce off the walls or walk into my bedroom and notice the way the room smells like my wife's hair ... I always remind myself that it is only a house.
It's just a house.
posted by damiano99 at 11:00 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
So she mentioned she's interested in a buying house. Did you respond to this? It doesn't sound like you did. Then she said she's putting a bid on a house. Did you respond to this? It doesn't sound like you did.
She was probably waiting for you to say something about the house-buying in her early stages of house-hunting, but your lack of response made her decide you didn't really care. So she went ahead and bought it. I don't blame her.
I think your relationship is worth continuing provided you improve your communication with each other. But if you can't handle her desire for independence that's a red flag for me.
Also I agree with the other comments that it's unfair for you to characterize her as possibly self-absorbed and oblivious just because she made a choice you don't approve of. I think you're erring on the side of being selfish here, sorry.
posted by jennyhead at 11:04 AM on December 1, 2009
She was probably waiting for you to say something about the house-buying in her early stages of house-hunting, but your lack of response made her decide you didn't really care. So she went ahead and bought it. I don't blame her.
I think your relationship is worth continuing provided you improve your communication with each other. But if you can't handle her desire for independence that's a red flag for me.
Also I agree with the other comments that it's unfair for you to characterize her as possibly self-absorbed and oblivious just because she made a choice you don't approve of. I think you're erring on the side of being selfish here, sorry.
posted by jennyhead at 11:04 AM on December 1, 2009
You're not married, you're not long-term-committed, you've only been dating for months (not years)... the correct response is: "You bought a house! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!"
I'm going to nth the "you're overreacting" sentiment. Stop overthinking the plate of beans and just Be Happy for her. (If it works out later, you can move somewhere else, together.)
ALSO: Start talking more.
posted by eleyna at 11:08 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm going to nth the "you're overreacting" sentiment. Stop overthinking the plate of beans and just Be Happy for her. (If it works out later, you can move somewhere else, together.)
ALSO: Start talking more.
posted by eleyna at 11:08 AM on December 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
You both have communication issues.
For her: make it clear to her that she can tell you everything, and that you won't ever make her feel bad for expressing her feelings.
For you: understand that telling her your thoughts about these things is not the same thing as pressuring her. Being more open about your thoughts gives her the tools she needs to navigate the relationship. Now that you know how she feels about you, you can be confident that she needs to know as much about how you feel about things as you need to know about her.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:13 AM on December 1, 2009
For her: make it clear to her that she can tell you everything, and that you won't ever make her feel bad for expressing her feelings.
For you: understand that telling her your thoughts about these things is not the same thing as pressuring her. Being more open about your thoughts gives her the tools she needs to navigate the relationship. Now that you know how she feels about you, you can be confident that she needs to know as much about how you feel about things as you need to know about her.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:13 AM on December 1, 2009
I'm not going to repeat all the good advice that I agree with in this thread but just wanted to point out that there can be a big difference between people in their early 20s and those in their late 20s. Early 20s for me were all about gaining perspective, having my eyes opened to the world and all my assumptions about how things worked were challenged. Late 20s is about coming to grips with adulthood and looking forward and thinking about settling in as a grown-up. You guys might be at somewhat incompatible crossroads in your life. The timing here may be off. You are the one who should be buying a house and putting down roots. She's the one who should be out there renting and telling people she loves them willy-nilly. Now, I don't really believe that but it may be adding to your consternation. So, I will echo what others have said, take a step back and evaluate what you want out of this relationship and think about how you want to communicate going forward. There's nothing wrong with her buying a house with or without your consent. That's done, anyway. Time to look at the future and what this relationship means to it.
posted by amanda at 11:53 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 11:53 AM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
I also wonder if she knows the housing market in that area better. It's possible that the neighborhood she bought in is the only one she could afford, and the neighborhoods you like are much more expensive (rampant speculation on my part, of course).
Also, some people are just early home buyers because of family attitudes--some people get out of college, work a bit, and buy a house right away. Maybe that's her attitude and it didn't occur to her not to keep going with this plan.
Imagine this MeFi question: "I've been dating a guy a few months. I think I love him but I'm not sure. I want to buy a house, which I've been planning for years. But he doesn't like the neighborhood where I'm looking. I'll be paying for it all by myself. Should I let him help me pick it out? Should I buy in the neighborhood I don't like because he prefers it? Or should I wait and see how this relationship goes before I buy the house?"
People would say, "You buy the house you want. Don't delay your life because of such a new relationship."
Good luck sorting this all out. Buy a house independently is fantastic and says a lot about a person.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:49 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, some people are just early home buyers because of family attitudes--some people get out of college, work a bit, and buy a house right away. Maybe that's her attitude and it didn't occur to her not to keep going with this plan.
Imagine this MeFi question: "I've been dating a guy a few months. I think I love him but I'm not sure. I want to buy a house, which I've been planning for years. But he doesn't like the neighborhood where I'm looking. I'll be paying for it all by myself. Should I let him help me pick it out? Should I buy in the neighborhood I don't like because he prefers it? Or should I wait and see how this relationship goes before I buy the house?"
People would say, "You buy the house you want. Don't delay your life because of such a new relationship."
Good luck sorting this all out. Buy a house independently is fantastic and says a lot about a person.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:49 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
As far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this.
What is "this"? I don't see anywhere that she has been dishonest with you. She told you that she loves you when she was good and ready to, and not saying it earlier was not dishonest.
is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love?
Give her some time to open up to you, and stop judging her. You have made a misstep or two in the communication department as well. When she said she found a house she liked, did you ask her about it? You say you weren't given an address, um why wouldn't you ask for that if you were interested instead of getting it from papers laying around?
We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. When this conversation took place, where was the house? Not an issue yet? Then it should have been brought up when the house became an issue. Don't blame her for not bringing it up when you didn't either.
posted by soelo at 1:22 PM on December 1, 2009
What is "this"? I don't see anywhere that she has been dishonest with you. She told you that she loves you when she was good and ready to, and not saying it earlier was not dishonest.
is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love?
Give her some time to open up to you, and stop judging her. You have made a misstep or two in the communication department as well. When she said she found a house she liked, did you ask her about it? You say you weren't given an address, um why wouldn't you ask for that if you were interested instead of getting it from papers laying around?
We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. When this conversation took place, where was the house? Not an issue yet? Then it should have been brought up when the house became an issue. Don't blame her for not bringing it up when you didn't either.
posted by soelo at 1:22 PM on December 1, 2009
It sounds like you have a lot of unexamined feelings about what buying a house would mean to you, and you assume it means the same thing to her.
People buy houses for many different reasons. Maybe she wanted to take advantage of the tax credit, thinks the house will appreciate, wants to fix it up and increase it's value, and live there long enough to get the capital gains tax exclusion. Perhaps she saw it as a personal financial decision.
What if she opened and IRA, changed jobs, bought some stock, or sold her car without asking for your input? Would you feel this way about it? I would not involve a boyfriend of 8 months in these things unless he had some special knowledge in that area.
You don't mention any special expertise you have in the house-buying field, so what would be the benefit to her of asking you about it? Why should your emotions about her financial decisions have some bearing on how she invests her money? Perhaps she has spent a great deal of time gathering information about this decision and did not feel the need to ask for advice.
is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love?
Maybe she's less skilled at communicating nuances of emotion than you are, or is less of a verbal thinker. She is not exactly like you, and you each have different things you are good at. She must be pretty financially savvy if she's bought a house at the age of 24.
I was going to say something about you being emotionally needy, but I don't get that impression so much as that you are upset that your GF is not acting emotionally needy and clingy.
I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for.
You don't ask her questions about the house, and it sounds like you don't ask her questions about this sort of thing either. If you want to know about these things, you are going to have to draw her out about them -- but it's entirely possible that she simply keeps to herself more than you would prefer. You're acting like it's some personal judgment about you, but it's not.
I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process.
Some people wait to say they love someone until they are sure, rather than parroting the words back. Weird conclusion you have come to there.
It sounds like when she talks about her feelings, she says what she feels even if it's not as often as you would like. You sound like you would like her to say a lot more even if it's insincere, and that you can't understand that some people don't talk about their feeeeelings all the time.
posted by yohko at 2:14 PM on December 1, 2009
People buy houses for many different reasons. Maybe she wanted to take advantage of the tax credit, thinks the house will appreciate, wants to fix it up and increase it's value, and live there long enough to get the capital gains tax exclusion. Perhaps she saw it as a personal financial decision.
What if she opened and IRA, changed jobs, bought some stock, or sold her car without asking for your input? Would you feel this way about it? I would not involve a boyfriend of 8 months in these things unless he had some special knowledge in that area.
You don't mention any special expertise you have in the house-buying field, so what would be the benefit to her of asking you about it? Why should your emotions about her financial decisions have some bearing on how she invests her money? Perhaps she has spent a great deal of time gathering information about this decision and did not feel the need to ask for advice.
is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love?
Maybe she's less skilled at communicating nuances of emotion than you are, or is less of a verbal thinker. She is not exactly like you, and you each have different things you are good at. She must be pretty financially savvy if she's bought a house at the age of 24.
I was going to say something about you being emotionally needy, but I don't get that impression so much as that you are upset that your GF is not acting emotionally needy and clingy.
I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for.
You don't ask her questions about the house, and it sounds like you don't ask her questions about this sort of thing either. If you want to know about these things, you are going to have to draw her out about them -- but it's entirely possible that she simply keeps to herself more than you would prefer. You're acting like it's some personal judgment about you, but it's not.
I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process.
Some people wait to say they love someone until they are sure, rather than parroting the words back. Weird conclusion you have come to there.
It sounds like when she talks about her feelings, she says what she feels even if it's not as often as you would like. You sound like you would like her to say a lot more even if it's insincere, and that you can't understand that some people don't talk about their feeeeelings all the time.
posted by yohko at 2:14 PM on December 1, 2009
Early 20s for me were all about gaining perspective, having my eyes opened to the world and all my assumptions about how things worked were challenged. Late 20s is about coming to grips with adulthood and looking forward and thinking about settling in as a grown-up. You guys might be at somewhat incompatible crossroads in your life.
I think they might be at incompatible crossroads, but in reverse. The poster is 28, still in school, and living with a roommate. She is 25 and just bought a house.
Also, agree with everyone who said that input comes with the mortgage. If your name's on it, you get input. If not, you don't.
posted by Houstonian at 4:58 PM on December 1, 2009
I think they might be at incompatible crossroads, but in reverse. The poster is 28, still in school, and living with a roommate. She is 25 and just bought a house.
Also, agree with everyone who said that input comes with the mortgage. If your name's on it, you get input. If not, you don't.
posted by Houstonian at 4:58 PM on December 1, 2009
Just sounds to me like she has a plan for her life, and she's doing it. If everyone stopped what they were doing every time they though they might be in love, just in case, nothing would ever get done.
If it turns out you do live happily ever after, then you'll move in with her, she'll move in with you, you'll find another place together and sell or rent her house, or whatever. It's not really fair to want to derail her life plan while you're just a new boyfriend, though.
posted by ctmf at 5:59 PM on December 1, 2009
If it turns out you do live happily ever after, then you'll move in with her, she'll move in with you, you'll find another place together and sell or rent her house, or whatever. It's not really fair to want to derail her life plan while you're just a new boyfriend, though.
posted by ctmf at 5:59 PM on December 1, 2009
Maybe, just maybe, she didn't need YOUR imput on a house SHE was buying for HERSELF. Honestly, not to be rude, but don't you think you have a wee bit of gall to expect input on this type of purchasing decision with someone you are neither engaged, married to, or sharing finances with?
So, what are YOU doing with YOUR life?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:53 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
So, what are YOU doing with YOUR life?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:53 PM on December 1, 2009 [1 favorite]
This might have been mentioned previously (I didn't have time to read the whole thread), but it's possible that she felt asking for your input on the house would have been to forward and would have "scared you off" and that's why she didn't ask for your input.
posted by kylej at 8:03 PM on December 1, 2009
posted by kylej at 8:03 PM on December 1, 2009
The house purchase is definitely a signal of her independence. It is a large, long term commitment which is complex for whoever going to live there. You are upset because you see that she made large, complex commitment without due communication with respect to another (hopefully) large and complex commitment vis a vis, your relationship. This lead you to conclude that your relationship is not as strong as you expect.
I posit that you need to gather more information to understand the problem properly. Of course, it'd have been better have you communicated more before the purchase. But, what has passed is gone. You should try to gather these information for your decisions:
1. What is her plan for the future with respect to you.
If her feeling toward you is positive,
2. How is the house relate to this plan.
A house is just a house. You can still move in and commute; or rent it out and stay elsewhere; or sale it. It maybe an obstacle to you or your relationship, or it may not be. Your relationship up to this point has not reached the point of "buying a house together". This house may affect the future home purchase, but that is a long way off. Your job right now isn't to worry about that step yet, your job is to strengthen the relationship. Being insecure at this point will be counter-productive, but certainly, you do need to know where you stand. So, find out, with tact.
Another thing a lot more important for you right now is assessing the relationship with this woman. Love is a grand thing, but also communication, respect, security, timing...etc. You should always be assessing your relationship, know where you want to go with it, have a general picture how you want it to be; then find the person who would go with you. It seems to me you were not clear of what you want and/or were not forceful enough to get what you want (even if it's just communication). I'm afraid your woman will be walking over you. So, ask yourself if that's the dynamic you want, can you can change it, and if not, what to do next.
posted by curiousZ at 9:04 PM on December 1, 2009
I posit that you need to gather more information to understand the problem properly. Of course, it'd have been better have you communicated more before the purchase. But, what has passed is gone. You should try to gather these information for your decisions:
1. What is her plan for the future with respect to you.
If her feeling toward you is positive,
2. How is the house relate to this plan.
A house is just a house. You can still move in and commute; or rent it out and stay elsewhere; or sale it. It maybe an obstacle to you or your relationship, or it may not be. Your relationship up to this point has not reached the point of "buying a house together". This house may affect the future home purchase, but that is a long way off. Your job right now isn't to worry about that step yet, your job is to strengthen the relationship. Being insecure at this point will be counter-productive, but certainly, you do need to know where you stand. So, find out, with tact.
Another thing a lot more important for you right now is assessing the relationship with this woman. Love is a grand thing, but also communication, respect, security, timing...etc. You should always be assessing your relationship, know where you want to go with it, have a general picture how you want it to be; then find the person who would go with you. It seems to me you were not clear of what you want and/or were not forceful enough to get what you want (even if it's just communication). I'm afraid your woman will be walking over you. So, ask yourself if that's the dynamic you want, can you can change it, and if not, what to do next.
posted by curiousZ at 9:04 PM on December 1, 2009
Um, how will "his woman" be walking all over him exactly? She doesn't owe him anything. It's a relationship in its very early stages, the OP never bothered to talk to her about the house even when she mentioned it to him yet somehow think he has the right to factor into the decisions of where it is etc even though he has no financial stake in it at all. He's not controlling her - she sounds too independant for that - but I get the impression he would very much like to!
Sure, she could have told him more about it but why would she when he showed no interest in it the other times? I get the impression the OP feels left behind because his younger girlfriend has her act together and has gone out and made things happen for herself while he's still stuck renting. Maybe this is partly to blame for his feelings now. Either way, he has no idea how to communicate and it doesn't appear like she wants to communicate with him anyway. She's perfectly happy doing her own thing and it obviously rubs him the wrong way that she's not running to him asking for his advice. I don't think this is a match made in heaven.
Having bought a place myself, I know if may have taken her years to get that deposit together and there's no way I would let a guy I'd just started dating have any kind of input about my house purchase. None. As said before, instead, he should simply be proud to have a girlfriend who is so switched on and yes, the right thing to say is 'Congratulations' and maybe buy her a housewarming gift.
posted by Jubey at 10:54 PM on December 1, 2009
Sure, she could have told him more about it but why would she when he showed no interest in it the other times? I get the impression the OP feels left behind because his younger girlfriend has her act together and has gone out and made things happen for herself while he's still stuck renting. Maybe this is partly to blame for his feelings now. Either way, he has no idea how to communicate and it doesn't appear like she wants to communicate with him anyway. She's perfectly happy doing her own thing and it obviously rubs him the wrong way that she's not running to him asking for his advice. I don't think this is a match made in heaven.
Having bought a place myself, I know if may have taken her years to get that deposit together and there's no way I would let a guy I'd just started dating have any kind of input about my house purchase. None. As said before, instead, he should simply be proud to have a girlfriend who is so switched on and yes, the right thing to say is 'Congratulations' and maybe buy her a housewarming gift.
posted by Jubey at 10:54 PM on December 1, 2009
Jubey, he isn't just a guy she's just started dating, they've agreed to move in together in the near future.
Wait, do we know this? I didn't get a read they'd ever discussed moving in together just yet. Which, if they didn't, makes sense for her to buy a house -- because she's gotta live somewhere, and hey, here's a house!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:34 AM on December 2, 2009
Wait, do we know this? I didn't get a read they'd ever discussed moving in together just yet. Which, if they didn't, makes sense for her to buy a house -- because she's gotta live somewhere, and hey, here's a house!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:34 AM on December 2, 2009
Ah, okay, missed that bit.
But I still kind of think "we don't want to go too much longer without living together" leaves a LOT of gray area. "Too much longer" could be anywhere from a couple months to a couple years depending on who you talk to.
And if they'd HAD that conversation, what was stopping him from reminding her of what they'd talked about when she was still in the process of buying the house ("um...we talked about moving in at...some point, should we maybe both be looking at houses together?")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:01 AM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
But I still kind of think "we don't want to go too much longer without living together" leaves a LOT of gray area. "Too much longer" could be anywhere from a couple months to a couple years depending on who you talk to.
And if they'd HAD that conversation, what was stopping him from reminding her of what they'd talked about when she was still in the process of buying the house ("um...we talked about moving in at...some point, should we maybe both be looking at houses together?")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:01 AM on December 2, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:11 AM on December 1, 2009 [9 favorites]